Workaholics s03e01 Episode Script

- They're good? - Yeah.
Okay, that one right there.
Corner.
- Couch.
- Whoo! - Whoo! That one's good.
- Yeah? Good? All right, we're on a roll.
- Blake's back.
Welcome home.
- Whoo! All right.
Check it out, man, almost done acid-proofing the house.
Oh, you saved me a corner, though, right? Yeah, dude, we're in this together.
Hit it.
This guy right here? All right.
Aah!! Ow, man, that's not ready yet.
Ders, let's be "profesh" here, okay? I doubled down I guess I'll have to triple down.
I'm excited about this acid, though, dude.
My buddy did acid once, and he immediately could speak Cantonese.
It's like, Before we get into that, though, we got that surprise.
You ready for this? Check it out.
A little bit of hype Williams Whoa! Oh, my gosh, guys, this is great.
But I have a little surprise for you.
Check it out.
Perimeter shock collars.
Yeah, so if you leave the house, you're gonna get shocked.
'cause the house is acid-proof, but the world Is not acid-proof.
So true.
- Hit me! - Yo, big boy.
I can't see.
It's in the dark.
Well, that was an "acid-ent" waiting to happen.
I'll get the broom.
- Ooh, snug as a bug.
- Oh, yeah.
Check it out, dude.
This is my God station.
Yeah, I heard, when people trip, they, like, talk to God or whatever.
Wonder if God's a chick, dude.
- Big ol' titties! - Yeah! Big ol' God titties! - Blah.
- Yeah.
Like, ones that you must respect.
- Absolutely.
- Also made a list of questions she's probably gonna want to ask me.
Well, Adam, how many girls have you slept with? Whoa! You think you're God, bro? - Huh? - You're not God, bro! - You can't ask me that.
- Sorry.
I've had sex with five.
Just kidding.
Five.
Yeah, I'm just trying to see something way more real than God, like a dragon.
That'd be sweet.
Oh, that's blasphemous.
I'm sorry.
Oh! Hey, Ders, bud! Here's your collar.
No can do, guys.
Alice just buzzed my celly and wants me to join her in West Covina for a business convention.
Then you explain to her that you can't, because you're doing acid with us, right? We're doing drugs, we're doing a lot of drugs together.
Guys come on.
This is kind of a big deal for me.
It's my first business trip, right? I'm like Steve Martin in that John candy movie.
I thought you wanted to be like Steve jobs and do a bunch of acid with us.
Steve jobs, right? Created apple.
Great company.
But then he left and created Pixar, which is way better, then he came back to apple, made that way better.
We got iPads, iPhones, all sorts of stuff.
Let me go create my Pixar.
Then'll come back and we'll drop iPhones, okay? I have no idea what any of that stuff meant.
- No.
- Am I Pixar? We are doing acid together, dude! Oh! Oh, God! - Okay, help me out.
- Okay, get this off.
- Help me out.
- Okay.
Wish me luck! We are doing acid together as a friendship family, Ders! Take that thing off now.
What? Take Oh.
This thing? Sorry.
Forgot about it.
It's so comfortable, you know? Hammacher Schlemmer.
Also, I got, uh Gojo.
You wanna borrow it for the ride home, let me know.
You just put it on here, and then you're hands-free.
See what I mean? Drivin' I'm drivin'.
Take a call.
Still drivin'.
You can go off-road with it.
Little kayaking.
Doesn't matter.
There's a video online about it.
What are those? What are oh, these? Check it out.
Telamericorp pens.
Pretty cool, right? [Bleep.]
your pens.
This is about one thing Her.
Gale Reynolds A.
K.
A.
"The Barracuda.
" Cloud mall, director of sales.
And she's got the power to bring us out of the red.
We made it to the big leagues, my man.
Happy business trip! How'd we beat you here, man? We got fireworks.
Pretty cool, right? Guys, this is a no! Hey, shh.
On the phone here.
Yes, hi.
Is the ice still free? It is? Great.
Okay, Mahalo.
Ice.
Currency of the future.
I'm gonna be rich.
No, no, no! You guys need to leave.
- Right now! - All right, Ders.
Chill out, we're not gonna mess this up for you.
Go down there, kiss a few business butts.
And then come back and nuke your mind into nacho cheese.
All right, cool.
Like, so I go, I kiss the business butts, and then we'll do all sorts of We're not gonna do anything, okay? - Hey, give that back.
- No.
- Dude, give it back.
- No.
- Hey, give us that! - No.
- What the - Hey! - That was harassment.
- Okay.
- Okay, you put it in a safe - Sorry.
Like I can't open safes - Oh.
- With my muscles.
Ders, give us the acid.
Come here! What is this? - Oh - Just sit down.
Enjoy the porno.
There's probably beer in the mini fridge.
Enjo- shh! Shut up.
- What is she moaning? - I missed it.
What did she moan? "I want you to eat my pudding?" That doesn't make sense.
- Oh, yeah.
- Pussy.
- Ah.
- Yeah, that makes a lot yeah.
- Yep, that's what's happening.
- Yep, mm-hmm.
Hey.
She here yet? Yeah, she just got cornered by a couple of real knuckle draggers.
All right, once they leave, we'll make our move, and Oh, damn it.
- Who's that? - Don Walters A.
K.
A.
"Psycho D.
" He's the savage who stole The Barracuda from us five years ago.
Wait, what's your nickname? - I don't have one.
- How come? Because no one ever gave me one.
All right, let's get over there before they get too comfortable.
- All right? - Wait, no, no.
I gotta go get my stat binder.
You know, stat cat Ders has gotta be ready to pounce.
Okay, well, Ders, I hate to break this to you, but I did not bring you here to talk.
OK? I brought you here to look cute and to get her drunk.
Right? Wait, what? I'm serious.
Look.
Look at Psycho D.
Okay, every year, he wines 'em, he dines 'em.
And then they always fall for it.
I mean, you do the math.
He's 69s them.
- No.
- I'm just No.
No.
He seals the deal.
Oh, okay.
All right.
Well, if it's about partying, then I should have brought Blake and Adam.
Those guys are like animal Oh, God, could you imagine what the dumb [bleep.]
would be doing if they were here right now? - Oh, good.
- Fire.
Fire.
Fire.
Fire.
Fire, fire, fire! Oh, yeah.
Burn it.
Ohh.
Oh, I'm cuttin' through.
I'm gonna cut through.
- Gayle.
- Ah! Ooh! Hi.
Um, uh Alice Murphy from Telamericorp.
Alex.
Temericorp.
So cool.
Hi.
It's Alice.
From Telamericorp.
Yeah.
So, um, so hi.
It's, uh, it's been a long time, hasn't it? I don't know.
You tell me.
She's funny.
Yeah.
So, uh, how's business been? Mm-mm - You need to stop talking.
- Ow.
I just came here to have a little fun so unless you're rockin' and rollin', I'm-a be strollin'.
No, you don't need to stroll, because I am rock and he is roll.
And that's why I would like to introduce you to my Anders, who is he is, uh I'm a good time waitin' to happen.
- Wow.
- So let's look at this menu.
You know, and decide whether we're gonna get a stout night out.
Or are we gonna get frisky with the whisky? I don't know my Anders.
Hot oatmeal.
Um - Yeah, hold on.
Don! - They're serving breakfast.
What are you doing? Where you going? Are you leaving? I'm heading up to our party.
You should join.
Bring your parka.
Expecting flurries.
Cocaine?- Yep.
- Uh, w-wait, Ms.
Barracuda.
- Do something.
Do you wanna drop acid tonight? All right, aim for this crevasse.
Don't hit the maiden slayer.
That's what I'm calling my face now the maiden slayer.
Hey, don't worry.
I played a lot of Area 51.
Here we go.
Uh, guys We have company.
Oh, fudge.
Oh you two are here.
And a homeless person.
Okay, Gayle, these are just a couple more employees of mine.
All right, so where's this acid? What? Yeah, where's the acid? That's a trick question.
It's probably at a drug dealer's house.
- Uh, Adam - No, no.
No, no.
We know I told them.
Just it's in the safe.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, well, let's Get it out, I guess, and Let's do acid.
Alice Murphy, you dog.
Bye.
I already did it.
Was I supposed to wait? It's good.
Yes.
Finally.
So what do you guys wanna do? Go out to the desert, shoot some fireworks? Stare at stars? I have a better idea.
See that big dick! Let me see it! Aah! It's a big dick.
So are you enjoying your trip? This is un-[bleep.]
-real.
It's like all I can hear is the soundtrack from drive.
But all I see is my mother right before she died.
You know what I mean, "dirge"? Yes, of course I know what you mean.
'cause I'm I'm trippin' with you guys.
We're all We're all gonna trip.
What's it like for you? For my my trip is, uh Same as yours.
Crazy music, tron soundtrack, daft punk just bouncing around in my head and, uh Ex-excuse me.
Just keep enjoying your I'm good.
Go back.
Alice, I am working it over there.
She's interested.
Alice.
You feelin' anything yet? 'cause this ice feels regular cold, not acid cold.
I don't think mine's working yet.
Yeah, I'm in there.
And it's not good, man.
I'm really trippin', man.
You're so lucky, dude.
But, you know, my brain is Bigger, more powerful.
So when I do finally trip balls, it'll last for, like, Do you think I sound like one of Marge Simpson's sisters? I don't Oh, don't, don't.
No, don't.
Stop, stop, stop.
People are watching.
Everyone's looking.
People are looking.
Alice Alice Murphy.
She's just being nice, right? That dude is foul.
I gotta get out of here.
The slerms.
It's a psychedelic crisis.
What do you think you pull in as a stripper? Be your own boss.
Make your own sched.
Free tanning, I've heard.
It's attacking! - Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh! - Aah! Hey, that's too far! Cody, the We're outta here! Let's vamp! You just grabbed that dude's dick.
Sorry it didn't work out.
Even though you have a decent-sized dick, you don't have moves like Jagger.
What's next? You guys, wee gonna keep the party rolling, but I think we've got some business to attend to.
Ale.
Oh, right.
Gayle.
Yes, Gayle.
She's right Psycho D.
Hello.
I'd like Don Walters' room number, please.
We're not allowed to give out room information.
Okay, you listen carefully.
You know, we are at war here.
It is Good versus Psycho.
Now, are you with me, [bleep.]
nut, or do I need to Do I need to Oh.
Mm.
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
- I can't do this.
- Alice - Hi.
- Hi.
I'm sorry about that.
She's just very upset.
We, uh Had a credit card swap thing at dinner with Don.
Adam o.
M.
G.
It's "g.
" No doubt.
What does that mean? It's God.
Behind the desk.
That girl.
That's God.
That blonde lady's God.
No shib? Yes, shib.
Very, very real shib.
- Let me see what I can do.
- Thank you.
I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I thought they'd be a little bigger.
Your pups.
Your sweater meats.
- Uh, pardon me? - Yep, sorry.
Don't want to disrespect.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I've only had sex with five girls.
And I'm the kind of guy that needs to just be slayin' babes with my meat sword.
But I'm not.
It's always in its sheath.
And you're just the woman, God, to help me with it.
Okay, yeah, also, why am I not tripping yet? All my fends are trippin', and I'm not.
Which is bogus, God.
You do some crazy, effed-up shib sometimes.
Whoa, God has a picture of me.
Sir, what are you doing? That's my dog coco! Help.
Help me.
I think this chair is Spanish.
I don't speak Spanish! I'm not gonna give you that room number.
Yep, that is correct.
Thank you.
This is on you, Holmvik! Acid, acid! Way to drop the ball! Oh, God.
Acid.
This is God, what is your problem? Walter's room number is 252.
Did God tell you that? 'cause she was bein' a real bitch to me.
No, I saw the reflection on the computer screen in the picture frame.
You know, I always thought God would be a slob, like one of us, not a busty little desk clerk.
More of a stranger on the bus type, you know? ! Sorry, but I wish I was tripping.
And I'm not, and it's bothersome.
Housekeeping.
Hey, this is just business.
We're gonna handle this like adults, right? - Hello? - Fresh towels! All right, Don, where is she?! What? Who's Don? Don't lie to me.
I know this is his room.
Now tell me where he is! What are you talking about? My name is Timothy! - Ooh - I will melt my own face off in front of your children if you don't tell me where the [bleep.]
Don "Psycho D" Walters is! - Alice, don't do that.
- Acid is crazy.
What do you think, kiddies? Do you want to see me peel my own face back, like the top of a grilled cheese? - You don't wanna see that.
- No.
Aah! Oh, it's unplugged.
It's unplugged.
That's good.
You can't erase that.
- Uhh! - W-w-wait, no, no, no! I saw the number in a reflection.
Uh, we're not supposed to be in 252.
We're supposed to be in 525.
Are you [bleep.]
with me? - Agh! - I will kill you! I will kill you! You are really light, by the way.
Like child soldier skinny.
Could carry you into war, Kony-style.
Some of us had a little too much to drink.
Don's roof party must still be raging up there.
The roof! You take me to the roof! No, Alice, we're not taking you to the roof.
You're going back to the room.
You're gonna calm down.
- Okay, all right.
- Get her in! - Ow! - Ow, Jesus! - Ooh, no! - Karl? No! - This place is trashed.
- Here we go.
- Uhh! - All right, you just Okay, Alice.
Hey, just cool out.
Cool out, all right? You stay here.
I'm gonna go to the roof.
And I'm gonna get that contract with The Barracuda.
I'm gonna show you what I'm made of.
Just need my Gojo.
Which ah, come on.
Damn it, Karl! You put it in the water.
Now my Gojo's busted.
The suction cups Whoa, I think I just had my first visual.
Yeah? No, that's just at dude's gaping Yeah.
Yeah.
I'll see you later, [bleep.]
! I'm gonna finish this! No, no, no.
Alice.
Alice! What is with all the noise out here? I'm tryin' to have fun with this girl's butt.
What do you boys know about a little butt fun? Nothin'! Ms.
Barracuda, we've been everywhere looking for you.
Oh, well, I was helping your little homeless friend here with the ice.
And then you know how the story goes.
Actually, I don't know if we do.
Could you please explain that story to us in detail? Hang on.
Look We'd love to have you back at Telamericorp.
Can you close it? I can see the whole Sorry.
Sorry.
We won't let you down.
It's still out.
Just tie it up.
I don't want to look at your dick.
Sorry.
We won't let you down.
My boss just really wants your business.
Yeah, man, she's, like, gonna kill a dude and all this over it, I think.
Yeah, well, her tight ass clearly cannot handle her [bleep.]
.
- Yeah.
- Puddin'.
What? Would you just sign the contract for my buddies? That way, we could go back in the bathroom.
Do you have a pen? Yes, yes, I got a pen.
I got a pen.
Here.
And thank you.
There you go.
You got it.
- All right.
- That's a nice touch.
Good to get your name out there.
I know.
Shove it up my ass? Absolutely.
She's a pervert.
Come on, sunshine.
Where is The Barracuda? I told you, I have no idea.
Fine if that's how it's gonna be Whoa.
- Whoa.
Whoa.
- Alice, hey, hey! Hey, look, look, look we got it.
We signed the cuda.
- What? - Yeah.
Well It's a really good job, Ders.
Thanks.
Uh, I mean, I guess I should Tell you I didn't actually do acid.
Well, you guys did it.
I faked it.
I just wanted to get this done, you know? Show you what I'm made of.
- All right, whatever.
- All right.
- Whatever.
- Wow, dude, the acid.
- We chanted earlier.
- Relax.
Still got my acid, and I'm ready for the acid life.
Latro.
Uh, we better get goin', huh? No.
It's finally kickin' in! What do you see? I see a beautiful dancing angel God with flames flickering from her fingertips.
It's beautiful.
No, that's a guy on fire.
Damn it, I must have got a bum tab.
- This sucks, dude! - Oh, boy, he's catching.
I'll see you next year, Psycho D! Yeah! Oww! Whoo! I'm just glad that I got to stay in a hotel for once, man.
Now I can say that.
God, I can never show my face at this convention again.
Ders, just drive me home.
I want to forget any of this ever happened.
I wish I would have tripped.
Drive me.
Drive me! Oh, no, I don't think that's a good idea.
Not right now.
This is not negotiable.
Right here.
Drive.
By guys.
Have a good trip! Get it? "Trip"? God, I am [bleep.]
funny, bro! - Whoa! - Whoa! - All right.
- Let's go.
- Let's get out of here.
- Let's get out of here now.
What can I do for ya? There we go.
Huh, that hurt a little.
You know what would numb my pain? Weed.
They're so beautiful.