Workaholics s03e07 Episode Script

The Lord's Force

Satan's power is fierce, but nothing's more powerful than the Lord's Force! Wolf! David! Gibraltar! Samson! Ram! For more information on the Lord's Force, visit our website and follow us on Twitter.
And hey, God bless.
Have a great day.
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, my gosh.
How did these buff dudes escape my radar? I thought I knew about every single buff dude.
No, Samson? With those bats, like, "clock, clock, clock, clock, clock.
" No, no, no.
With the phone books.
Ripping phone books.
That's the ultimate move for buff-assness.
Dude, when did you say they're coming to town? We have to see these buff-ass dudes.
And we are going.
And then after we watch the show, I'm gonna try out for the force.
All right, but you know those guys are like, Chris Tucker religulous, though, right? Yeah, no, I'm very religulous.
You know, father, son, holy what have you.
Noah's art.
Two animals going onto a ship to have sex.
Unconditional love for Jesus Christ.
Do you guys wanna watch a video of a dude blowing his brains out? Uh, I do, and I don't.
Well, we are going to.
Annie, this is for you and the kids.
There's no other way.
Let's just, uh, put on some twerk videos or something, right? - Yeah, twerk, for sure.
- Yeah.
All right.
- Whoo! Brat me, Braj! - Mm.
Comin' right up, my Brat Braja.
- Mm! - Enjoy.
Enjoy hey, tickets! Who's got some tickets? I'll trade you a beer and a Brat for a ticket.
Man, I cannot even believe The one time I wanna go to church, and I can't get in.
God, we gotta get in there.
I do not wanna miss them lift that 1,000-pound cross.
For real.
What're we gonna do? We just gotta ask ourselves, W-W-J-Z-do? What would What would Jay-Z do? - Yeah.
- He'd probably rap about it.
He'd rap about it, and he'd rap about it And then he'd pass the mic to Blake Nah, nah, I don't want the mic, give it to Adam I don't need I don't want the mic either So I'll pass it back to Ders It's back to me I don't mind that 'cause I'm a r-a-p P-E-R, where's my car I mean my whip, guys Where's my whip, guys Rappin', stoppin', I don't want the mic, Blake I don't want it.
- There you go.
- Thank you much.
Yeah, we just left our stub.
Oh, woah.
No, no, no.
Sorry, friends.
You need tickets to get in.
No, they said we actually didn't need to bring our stubs out here, we left 'em in there.
Hate carrying too many stubs around.
Oh, well, I hate it when jokesters try to pull a fast one on me, So, why don't you guys go and, uh, get outta line, please? - Thank you very much.
- Okay.
All right.
You know what? We'll come clean.
We never bought tickets.
We're lying to you, which proves we need to get in there and see the lord's force so we can become better people and not liar people.
We gotta be saved.
We're bad people.
I mean, I used to make my, uh, G.
Joes have huge orgies with my neighbor's Barbies.
Yeah, and when I was a kid, I always tried to make my dog have sex with my cat 'cause I wanted a cat-dog.
Turns out their dicks don't fit into cats, - and the cat limps now.
- Yeah.
When I go to subway, I ask for a water glass, and I always fill it with fresca, because I'm a monster, sir.
Okay, guys you're not gonna get in.
Now, there's an 8:00 a.
service here in the morning.
You guys come back, you get your church in that way.
All right? Now, please get outta the line.
No, I don't wanna see some stupid preacher talk about stupid church stuff.
I wanna see two big-ass dudes liftin' a big ol' cross - over their big ol' heads! - Mm-hmm.
Hey! Now, I'm gonna call security.
- Now, get outta here! - Oh.
- All right.
- Jesus.
You know what? Someday I'm gonna be on the lord's force, and then you'll feel like a stupid idiot - for not letting me in! - Heck yeah.
- Phone book.
Rip! - Show him.
Just like the lord's force! Just like the lord's force! Whatever.
You see how far threw that? Uh-huh.
Got muscles.
Hey! Oh, that's very- that's actually pretty good, but you know what? In all seriousness, suck on my [bleep], dude! And I said, "no, man, you drive a garbage truck" and then I pass the mic to Adam And then I take the mic, and I don't know what to do - So I pass the mic to Blake - I don't want the Oh, there they are! There they are! They're here! - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Oh! Oh! Watch it! Get outta the way! Get outta the way! - Hey.
- What's up? - How you guys doing? - Good.
Okay, I'm sorry, they're They're a little starstruck.
I don't get starstruck.
I saw Tony Shaloub at the airport one time.
Didn't even mention monk.
Just winked.
Ah, cool.
Uh, did you guys enjoy the show? No, 'cause we didn't.
Somebody didn't know we had to get tickets.
Argh! You should just shoot yourself in the head and put it on YouTube! Oh, that's too bad.
Well, it was nice meeting you guys.
Stay strong, use his power.
Wait, hang on.
Um, we're gonna go out for a beer.
Do you guys want beers? We'll buy you beers.
I could go for one.
It's been a while.
You know that's not a good idea.
Hey, thanks a lot, guys.
Uh - No.
Hey! - Adam No, please! Please let us buy you beer, please! You guys are my hero easy, there, tiger.
Back in your cage.
buy you a beer? One beer.
- Yeah! One beer! - Yes! So, the I was.
in front of, 000 people When I hear the voices of 10,000 angels.
Only it wasn't the voice of angels.
Nah, it was blood shootin' outta my ears.
I bl my eardrums out.
Oh, God.
Can you hear this? Can you hear this right now? Anyway, hey, this was fun, but we should probably head back.
- No, come on.
Another round.
- No, no, no, no.
We just got here we haven't even taken shots yet.
- Yup.
- Yup.
You're doing shots.
- Shots? - You're doing a shot.
Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot Everybody! - Shot, shot, shots.
- Oh, the ladies.
Here we go, here we go.
Gotta tell you guys, this is the most fun I've had in months most fun in my life.
To new friends! New friends! Whoo! Whoo! Hey, now that wee best friends, I was wondering if you guys would sign my phone books - and then rip 'em in half for me.
- Sure.
Let us go have a smoke real quick, - we'll be right back.
- Yeah thank you so much! Thank you so much.
You you have no idea what this means to me.
- They're so cool.
- Thank you! Dudes, we should go out there and smoke a cigarette with the lord's force.
- Let's do it.
- Yeah, we have to.
And cigarettes give you cancer, but I'm like, "worth it!" I've never even smoked a cigarette, but here I am, sittin' here, talkin' about going to smoke one with the lord's force! Yeah! The lord's force! - Let's do this.
- Let's go, let's go! All right, who's ready to smoke? Where's he at? Where they at? Chill out.
Holy smokes.
Okay, this isn't a big deal.
I mean, they do this in the rap game all the time, right? Lil Wayne kissed Birdman.
Just kissin' on his daddy.
That's all he's doing.
Tss, yeah.
Probably just checking each other's breath, making sure they're ready to kiss hot chicks.
- Yes.
- You know? Sure.
Hey! Oh, God.
- Oh, it's that dude.
- Didn't we talk about this? What're you guys doing? Okay, it's not what you think.
Oh, yeah? It's not what I think? Well, then what is it? It's gay chicken.
You know, that That's what we were doing.
Just, um, you know.
Old-fashioned gay chicken.
Gay chicken? That's what you're going with? Oh, what, you don't know about gay chicken? That's where two totally straight guys try and out-gay each other? It's like this, ready? - Yeah, it's like a - Oh! - See? He just - He lost.
No, I think I won.
Shut the heck up now! Now, listen, it Adam and Eve, it's not Adam and Steve, you understand me? I'll tell you what.
Why don't I ask God what he thinks I should do, huh? I'll check in with him.
Uh, oh, lord Yeah, uh, I got a problem d Why? 'Cause of the gay thing? Come on.
Really? Okay, well, you're the boss.
Sorry, gays, you're off t force.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What about the tour? What about Tampa? No, this is it, okay? Sodom, Gomorrah, sayonara.
Now, get your purses outta the van.
- But - I knew this was a bad idea.
These guys made us do shots, and now my life is ruined.
- Where am I gonna go? - Sorry.
- Sorry about Tampa.
- Des Oh, man, I feel terrible.
Maybe we should let 'em crash at our pad.
We just made 'em lose their jobs.
I am not going back to [bleep] Duluth to live with my stepmom.
- I'm not.
- No, you're not.
You guys are gonna stay with us for as long as you need.
Consider our casa our casa for you to crash in.
Oh, everybody get some rest? - Huh? Here, lemme top you off.
- Thanks.
There you go.
And for you.
Right in there.
- Thank you guys for everything.
- It's our pleasure.
We just wanna take care of our boys.
We're glad to have you here.
And since we do have you here, uh, we thought we'd share an idea with you.
Kind of, um, well, a business proposition of sorts.
Hey, we're not gay.
I know what you saw, but, um, it wasn't real.
No, you guys definitely aren't gay.
- Nobody's saying you're gay.
- No dudes with giant muscles are never gay.
Okay, m sorry, but Maybe I am gay.
What? No.
All right, well, maybe you are, but I'm not.
He's not.
No, you guys were just drunk, playing gay chicken.
Sometimes when I get drunk, I go to Boston market, I eat chicken.
We're like the same dudes.
Yeah, you're drunk.
Weird things happen when you're drunk.
Last week, I got drunk, I ate the band off my wristwatch.
I thought it was beef jerky.
I don't know, I'm just I'm just very confused about everything right now.
Okay, look, you were drunk.
You're sober now.
Why don't we get to the bottom of this? Just kiss each other real quick, you know, and then you'll probably hate it, and we can get to this proposal, 'cause I got some ideas.
There you go.
One time, little thing, you'll see it was just a fluke, - and we'll move on with the day.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, or you don't have to.
Or you can just not do that.
Drunk night.
- Totally straight.
- Boom.
- That was a straight dude kiss.
- Let's go.
Let's go eat some eggs or something.
Yup, no feelings there.
- No feelings there, right? - Good call, there.
- Good what are they - Yeah, good Wha why? Why? - Straight dudes kissin'.
- Yeah.
Ahh What's going on over here? Whoa why? - My predator bong! - All right, that's it! Break it up! Break it up! Right now! - Jeez Louise! - And we are back.
Okay, so I'm just gonna move on, um, because I had a proposal that I was going to give to you guys, - and here it is.
- Yes.
Let's start a new rival squad to the lord's force.
We can, uh, work out here, we can even perform in the front yard - Guys okay - Gentlemen? Why don't you guys just go think of a new name, we'll be here brainstorming.
What the hell is going on? Come on, baby Let's do it tonight Oh, huh, I'm sorry.
Do you guys mind if I, uh - Come back later.
- And I will.
Come on, baby oh, sorry, dude.
Didn't know you were in here.
No worries.
You guys are showering together? To conserve water.
Very considerate.
What? You guys have monster [bleep].
Chicks must love sucking those.
Th's awesome.
- Yeah! - God, I'm gonna bust! Hey, guys.
First of all, I just want to say we are glad to have you here.
It's been great.
Yes, and we have noticed that you have gotten very C-comfortable, and we're actually comfortable with your comfortableness.
I'm so comfortable with you guys being here, but be careful.
'Cause it sounds like you're injuring yourselves at night when you're working out, and nighttime's a very dangerous time to work out.
Anyway, uh, given, you know, the events of the last day or so, we've revised the proposal that we had the other day to something a little more apropos.
We give you - The Gaylord's Force! - Ha-ha? The Gaylord's Force.
If you can take the pain of a man's unit pressing into your [bleep], you've got the strength to do anything.
Is one slogan that we're toying with.
You know, I actually haven't seen this t-shirt, and I don't approve of it.
Okay? But I will be a junior member of the crew, so, I should probably audition for you right now.
Check this out.
- Froot Loops everywhere! - Whoo! Yeah.
And I'm gearing up for the real thing! A freakin' phone book! Let's do this! Give it to 'em, Adam.
I don't have my phone book here.
- I'm so sorry.
I don't have it.
- Get the phone book.
Hurry up, hurry up.
So, you see where we're going with this, right? It's basically a powerful, healthy message that being gay doesn't mean you're weak, - or, um - Mmm Okay, what're you doing? Are you having sex with each other? We're not having sex.
We're just Soaking.
Yeah, but I think this soak is about to turn into a power wash, so, if you boys wouldn't mind scooting along.
Okay, you know what? I don't mind having you here.
Right? I don't even mind all the suckin', and the scrin', and the screamin' when you ejac.
But I need to know if you wanna be a part this show or not.
'Cause if you do, I need you to pull out of his [bleep] And t to working! Do you get me? Okay, okay, relax.
Sounds cool.
We're interested.
- All right.
- Yeah! Oh, oh, hand cramp.
Hand cramp.
That hurts.
Oh, man.
This stage is about to be so gay.
- So gay.
- So straight.
Could be.
You know? What the heck do you want, breeder? Just bringin' my lost sheep back to the flock.
Well, they're not interested, rev.
You mean they're not interested in being living legends? Makin' 38 grand a year? Living rent-free? Making some per diem as well? - 38k? - Hey! Come on, let's go.
All right, hey, guys, tell me you're not going with him, you're ready to rehearse.
- We got a stage.
- You better hope that there's rocks in those bags for training purposes, - 'cause you're our friends.
- Guys, listen.
Reverend Troy needs us back.
You told that guy that you were gay dudes, and he was cool with it.
We're not like that.
- It was just a phase.
- Pssh.
What'd I say? These dudes aren't gay dudes, dudes.
They're straight dudes.
Wait - Dudes.
- What? I literally heard you guys eating fruit cocktail out of each other's butts.
Get in the [bleep] van or I'll have Jesus [bleep] Christ cut your [bleep] balls off! Tell you what.
You guys wanna see the show tonight? I'll even put your name on the list.
Oh, you gotta be kidding me, man.
I will see you at that show! We had a business together, Brah.
Wait, is it under my name, or whose name is it under? - It's a pl plus - It's a plus two? Is it "plus two," or is it all of us? Or some of us plus one, or what? A separate thing? Is it each of our names individually, or did you put us into a group? The Bible says that Satan wants to turn the world into darkness.
But the amazing thing is Jesus, by dying on the cross, has shown us we can take that darkness And we can turn it into light! We are the lord's force! And we are going to murder the devil! Can I hear ya? Comin' in at 5'7", weighing 270 pounds I don't think Goliath wants to mess with this guy.
I'm talkin' about David! Ooh! I know Noah had a couple of these.
Let's bring out the wolf! Whoo! Yeah! Oh! Oh, yeah! Now, last but not least, I wanna bring out the twin towers of babel.
I'm talkin' about Samson and Ram! Here we come, now.
Yeah let's hear it for 'em.
Oh! Oh! Samson just pointed at me.
We know them! Now, let's watch these two warriors lift this 1,000-pound cross above their heads to the glory of God.
- Yeah! - Yeah! Come on, guy come on.
Come on, guys, you can do it! What's the matter, Ram suck the strength outta your [bleep]? Come on.
- Don't listen to him, guys, - Yeah, come on, come on.
! That's all right, folks, if they don't lift it above their head you're getting a full refund, okay? - They're gonna do it.
- They'll get it.
- Have some faith.
- You got this.
Come on! I should never have asked you back, you pillow biters.
Show 'em the force.
The Gaylord's force.
Yeah! - Yes! - They did it! Aah! I know that you can find the way You're beautiful to me This is not the show! You stop that! Get your tongue out of his mouth! Sorry 'bout this, gay.
You're beautiful to me whoo! Yes! All right! Yeah! And we want to announce to everyone that tomorrow morning, there will be the first-ever Gaylord's Force at our house! Everyone's welcome.
They're Gaylords! - They're our gay friends! - Whoo! Hey.
Man, where are they? Just talked to 'em.
Guess what.
They're not comin'.
- What? - Yeah.
Right now, they're in the car, driving to Vermont to start a new life together.
They're gonna open up some kind of gluten-free cupcake place called, "cup gaykes.
" Genius name, I know.
What are we gonna do? Even a straight man, who's had sex with over five women, can channel The Gaylord's Force! Whoo! - Whoo! - Whoo! Ow.
Oh, [bleep]! Oh, that's hot.
That was hot.
I am Adam "Baby Bear" Demamp! I shall summon the power of all the Gaylords! Whoo! Do somethin' different.
Oh, you wanna see me break a board over my own skull? [bleep].
Ah How'd we do? Pretty good.
Total ticket sales, 285 bucks.
- Oh, get 'em! - Ha! But, uh, lemme calculate something else.
- We spent 50 bucks on glitter - Okay, okay.
like, the stage stuff.
Ah, that sucks.
And then this is the killer.
$300 on the boas, because they just had to be real ostrich feathers.
- Ram.
- What a diva.
Um, so, all that together, we are in the hole for a little bit of money.
All right.
That's terrible.
Of businesses and personal resents! Now, are you ready? Oh, it's not pre-ripped! Not at all! Are you ready? Gay Lord's Force! Yes! Yes! I will sign your dicks! I will sign all of your dicks! I don't give a [bleep]!