Workaholics s03e12 Episode Script

Yeah, okay.
This is scary.
It's a scary movie.
Right.
Shh! It's not over, okay? There's gonna be one last scare.
Aah! Told you.
- Guys, making it worse, man.
- I know, man.
What did I say, though? This is a good one, it's good.
Thought I had to dump out.
- Turns out I didn't.
- Okay.
Bowels were playing tricks on me, so Adam, just go to bed, all right? We get it, you're spooked.
You haven't slept since we started this non-Wayans' brother actually scary scary-movie marathon on Friday.
Why don't we go to bed, because we got a super moon that we want to be well-rested for tomorrow.
And it's gonna be super, so let's hit it.
Hey, you hit it, I'm gonna yank it.
Either way, we're probably masturbating, but we're roommates, so that's just the way it goes.
Okay, yeah, I'm also gonna go to bed soon.
I'll probably be laughing myself to sleep at how dumb and irr irresponsible these movies are to teenagers.
'cause they're gonna think that they could fall asleep and get a knife finger up their butt when, in reality, that's not even something that could actually happen, I don't think.
some dumb humans make a mutant spiral laser blast feasting on the flesh of freshman students on their way to class zombies We got zombies on a school day horrifying horrible zombie mastication scenes slowly moving mandibles chewing on a frigging teen zombies I don't know, he wasn't in his room.
Dude, he's probably passed out on the couch still.
Hey! Adam? Ready for work? Whoo! I'm ready for work.
Let's do this! Whoo! Whoo! I slept like a log last night, dude.
So awake.
So awake right now.
Living life Know what I'm saying? What'd you say? I didn't say anything.
Yeah, totally.
No, I hear that.
Let's talk super moon, my lunar-tics.
I'm thinking we could block off, like, five hours and - five hours? - Good call.
I was thinking six myself, just to Really take it in.
- I'm excited.
- All right.
Well, I'm very excited to take it in as well.
I read on a website last night, that, uh, the super moon is a catalyst for paranormal activity.
And then I read on another website that a catalyst is, like, a way of saying that it, like, helps it.
Yeah, no, it is.
I was supposed to see the last one.
But I got adult chicken pox and was stuck in a bathtub all night with instant oatmeal.
- Apple-cinnamon? - I wish.
Raisins and spice.
But, this year, I'm gonna flex on this moon.
Check it out.
Got a tablet computer with a moon-tracker app.
Totally state of the art.
And A Rob Huebel telescope, so I can peep the cheese.
See, check it out.
Right here, wiki says, "thousands of unsolved child murders, every super moon.
" Even worse than what he just said, it says, "dogs suck each other's magic sticks.
" - What the - Okay, stop it.
It's not saying those things.
You're making 'em up.
It does say it.
It's Wikipedia.
It says very important information.
- No.
Does not.
- Said that.
You guys need to start appreciating the world's natural wonders.
I mean, it's gonna be like seeing the redwoods or old faithful or that old rock we found that looked like a boob.
Actually still have that rock.
I wish it were softer.
Why? So I could fuck it, Anders.
All right, Ders, you're not understanding.
You keep talking about natural things.
But I'm talking about supernatural, guys.
There's gonna be some stuff that happens tonight that never happens! Like maybe the dead will rise or, like, the earth will start on fire or something.
Or you'll, like, have sex with a girl for the first time.
Oh, wow! Because your penis is in use so much, Anders! You're not having sex as much as We're tied for zero, basically.
- Hey, guys.
- Oh! Mm! I'm not scared.
Ders is though.
He's in hysterics.
What a punk! I'm not scared.
So I bet you guys are, uh, wondering what all the renovations are about.
- Nope.
- Not at all.
Well, the crew cleared out the basement, and there's some pretty nifty items up for grabs.
Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop.
I fucking love tits, you guys.
Does it come in black? Ink? Oh-ho, jackpot.
Let me know, my man.
You think this is gonna make chicks wanna see my big bang theory? Check this out.
I used to have one of these as a kid.
Hatchet.
Except for not the weapon, the book.
'cause my aunt gave Gary Paulsen a handjob, and he gave us, like, a ton of free books.
All right, I feel like you're making this stuff up now.
No.
My aunt is a whore.
She works in Las Vegas.
Oh, Bill, that's an office supply.
It stays in the office.
I need to cut more fliers.
I'm starting a babysitting service.
Children are my passion.
Okay, you can't say the words "children" and "passion" and have your face.
Whoa.
Dudes, check it out! Cool flask.
- All right.
- Nice! I know what we can put in there.
- Dr Pepper Ten.
- It's for men.
Kids I mean, kids can drink whatever, as far as I'm concerned.
That's the thing.
When you're a kid, you have a lot of options.
As a man, who wants to drink a soda Check out this painting of this gnar old man.
Whoa.
That dude looks just like my grandpa.
I hate my grandpa.
He's such a fucking tool.
Whoa! Everywhere you stand, Dr.
Telamericorp's eyes follow you.
Mm, I'm up.
Mm Ooh.
Oh, not so fast, sweetheart.
Read the can.
DP Ten.
Not for women.
- Hey, Jillian, sweetheart.
- Hmm? Is it possible for a painting to have homosexual tendencies? Of course, why? - Oh, this guy keeps - Oh, no.
Where did you find that? Jillian.
What the fuck is this doing in here? I don't know.
I threw it out.
But I guess it came back.
Paintings don't "come back.
" Yeah, but can can they come out? Like, of the closet? - Can they be gay? - Just please get rid of it.
I don't ever want to see that portrait again.
- Yep.
- What's up with Alice? Huh? Who's this guy? He's a very bad man who used to work here.
And he's gone, and he's never coming back.
W-w-wait.
W-what do you mean, he's a "bad man"? I shouldn't say.
Blake, just stop asking questions.
Hey, hey.
What's the deal? Did he murder somebody? Jillian! Oh, my gosh.
That dude died here, huh? Jillian.
Jillian, hey, come on.
You're acting weird.
Blake, this man is not to be spoken of.
Hey, why are you acting so weird, huh? What's the deal? This guy kill some kids in the basement or something? Just drop it! I've already said too much! All right, give me the painting.
No, no.
Drop it! Okay, that was the renovations.
Or was it? Uh, hey, guys, yeah, sorry about the lights.
It was the renovations.
Or was it? Are you asking me? It was.
- Okay.
- Oh.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
All right, who is ready to ride? It is just about super moon time.
Oh, man, I am sorry.
I have work to do here.
I can't go with you, buddy.
- What are you talking about? - Ders, you naive little nerd.
Come on, we just unearthed the portrait of an infamous child murderer, Dr.
Telamericorp, on the same exact night as a super moon? I'm gonna go ahead and file that under "things that Blake wants to check out tonight.
" Yeah, right.
Like there's ghosts in the office.
Like ghosts are just flying all o whoa-ho! That's Bill.
What up, dog? - What's up, homies? - Yo.
Of course it's not a ghost.
Ghosts don't exist.
Now, can we please just gather ourselves? We can go up to the roof and watch the super moon.
All right, you know what? Take Adam with you.
It's fine.
He's too scared anyways.
The, uh, the spirits, they feed off fear.
Okay, let's go.
Yeah, he's like a little all-you-can-eat buffet over there.
Fuck you! Fuck you, dude! - Ders.
- Yeah? - Go do your nerd stuff.
- What? 'cause I have something to prove to this idiot.
Okay, no more HBO for you.
You are cussing way too much lately.
You deserve this.
You deserve each other.
Well, I'm gonna go watch the super moon by myself! And you're gonna be super sorry about it, okay? Move your cart.
This old fart cart of farts.
All right, hey, so are you sure you're ready, huh? I'm not just sure I'm HIV-positive.
But y-you're not though, right? - I'm not what? - HIV-positive.
You just said you're HIV-positive.
No, I did not mean to say that.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Very tired.
You've got a weird amount of candles.
Shh! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
It's all right.
The phantomspotter app detects electromagnetic frequencies.
- Really? - Yes.
Heavy concentrations indicate supernatural activity.
Oh, but look at this! I'm getting a reading of five black cats right by the chair where Homegirl died.
- Who? - Homegirl.
She she worked here.
You pulled your testicles out, put 'em on her forehead, then she passed away.
Oh, yeah.
Really nice black lady? No.
Quite the opposite.
Very mean white lady.
I don't think I was here that day then.
What? Yes.
You put your balls on her head.
OK well, I do that to people.
What was that? Oh, my gosh, it's all true.
Tens of thousands of child murders.
Dogs sucking each other's magic sticks.
Rahh! Oh! - Oh! Kill him! Kill him! - Die, ghost! - Kill him! Kill him! - Oh, die! - Die ghost! Die! - Stop! Oh, I'm punching Ders.
- Dude, stop! - Oh, that was Ders.
Oh, God.
Oh, man, I didn't know it was you till I did.
I actually did at the end.
I mean, you get into some sort of street brawl, I have I have no fear when it comes to fighting.
You guys are idiots.
Well, what the freakin' eff, Ders? Scared the s-s-shoot out of us.
I found the painting in the garbage and I thought I'd freak you out.
- And you hit me.
- Oh, that wasn't good, man.
I'm on, like, What is this? That's barbeque sauce.
Very clever, dude.
- I know.
- Very clever, man.
Doll's clothes from the basement.
God, I it's actually awesome that I got you guys, but then you can we just please go to the roof And gaze at the super moon already? I guess.
Ders? That wasn't me.
Oh, my gosh.
When Adam punched through that portrait of Dr.
Telamericorp, he broke whatever supernatural seal was keeping him in.
- What? - Yeah.
And now we're the only ones that can put him back.
- Come on! - Come on, now, w hey! - Oh, my God! - Whoa.
The devil's in the machine! It's gone pure black! It's not on.
- Huh? - It's sleeping.
You just gotta hit the thing on the back.
- Sleep - Yeah.
This thing's actually cool, man.
- Have you checked out the user interface? - Oh! - Shh! Shh! - Dude, what are you doing? - Quiet, quiet, quiet.
- Oh, dear.
Those were Montez's speakers.
- Whatever.
- Shh, guys This thing is really humming.
There is a lot of activity down here.
Look, dudes.
Dudes, dudes, dudes! Dr.
Telamericorp! He's crossed over into the physical world! It's only a matter of time before he finds a human host! - What? - Okay.
Yep.
You're not gonna get me twice, Ders.
I think I know barbeque sauce when I see it.
Now.
This time I do.
Adam, no.
I didn't that's not barbeque s! - That's not barbeque sauce.
- No.
I think that's blood.
I think it's blood.
- Okay, so, I know that this is blood.
- Wait, stop it! Don't! And it tastes exactly like that! That is blood! That is blood! I am HIV-positive! - What did you - No, I'm saying it this time! - I think I'm HIV-positive.
- Can you feel it? That's how that's how you get HIV! You get it by tasting strange blood on the ground! - Yes.
- We have to make you a quilt! We have to make him a quilt.
- What was that? - Oh, God.
Dr.
Telamericorp.
He's looking for a host.
We don't have en no time! We've got no time! So you know who we have to call.
We gotta call the cops, man.
There's blood everywhere.
I'm calling the cops.
I was thinking the gh never mind.
I know a satanic ritual that'll send his spirit back to hell.
You know a satanic ritual? It's a h-hell way? Okay, well, I think I'm gonna go to the little boy's room.
Not because I'm a little boy who's scared, but because I'm a little man who ate too many tacos.
- So I'm gonna go - Wait, dude gotta gotta poo.
All right, man.
What are what are we doing? What are we doing? Tell me what to do.
We need a sacrifice.
Come on, Demamp! Pull yourself together.
You taught yourself Spanish, you can make it through this, "muchaycho.
" Okay, let's see what we got in here.
Uh, yogurt, hummus, purple stuff, sunny d.
The ritual calls for the flesh of thy untouched beast.
Um, oh.
Montez's ground hamburger beef? - Perfect.
- All right.
Let's bring this meatloaf to meat life.
Let's do it.
Who's in here, huh? Huh? You comin' at me? I ain't scared of no ghost.
I'm not scared of you! Who did that? Who did that? We've already said too much! What? I'm the main office prankster.
Did you miss me? I tea-bagged your dead body.
Ooh.
What is happening to me?! Dr.
Telamericorp.
Oh, no.
You want me to kill Montez, don't you? That's what you're doing here, huh? You know what? I'll do it.
I'm here to help you sleep.
But you can't fall asleep until you silence the music.
Let no one stand in your way.
Why me? Because, you're a strong boy, Adam.
Mm-hmm.
Strong little boy.
Strong little boy.
Oh, yeah.
Sweet meat fetus, dude.
- Thank you.
- Looks real as hell.
Yeah, it does, doesn't it? Yeah, if you could, uh, just, like, stand him up and make him look alive.
Yeah.
That should not be a problem, dude.
I used to stand up armies of action figures against each other.
- Do these, like, cool wars.
- Great, great.
- There we go.
- That's a cool story.
Thanks.
Okay.
All right, you know what? Sorry, I used to have the same problem when I would stand those action figures up against each other for wars.
Whatever, that's fine I'm sure Satan doesn't really care.
Here we go.
- Spirit of Dr.
Telamericorp! - Yeah.
Please accept this humble sacrifice of a live, super moonwalking Ginger beef man! Have a namaste.
Amen.
Silence the music.
A-Adam, what what what's up? What's wrong? Yeah, Adam, you love pure moods.
Dr.
Telamericorp spoke to me.
And he wants you To silence the music.
Now! What's going on, dude? Adam's been possessed by Dr.
Telamericorp! - What? - Run! - Oh! - Uh-oh.
Hurry! Follow me! Strong boy.
I'm a strong boy.
Now! - You got him? - Yeah! - Now what? - We gotta solidify this cocoon.
- Grab that stuff? - This? Yeah! Now let's head up to the roof! We gotta harness the power of the super moon for the exorcism.
Yay, yay, yay! The super moon! - Here we come! - All right, he's excited.
It's so super! God, that is a real moon! Oh, God damn it, Ders, shove the telescope up your ass! Give me your flask! Hurry! Oh Super moon.
Please bless this manly soda and in the same way that Dr Pepper Ten is most definitely not for women, so be Adam's body not for ghosts! That was really good, man.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
And Uhh! All right! Now We must insulate the demons.
- Okay.
- Shoot him with this gun.
Now.
Now.
Ooh.
- Ah, watch your load, man.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, man.
- Ohh.
- This dries really quick.
- Yeah, it does.
Get out of my homey, Dr.
Telamericorp! Blake, I can't believe you're not looking at this thing.
I mean, look at the Oh, there's my strong little boy.
It's okay, Adam.
You can sleep now.
Mm.
Oh.
Okay.
All right.
Uh What are you doing? Oh.
Sorry.
Misread! I, uh, thought you were I mean, it seemed as though you were, uh, vibing me.
No, no vibe.
Not a vibe and Noo - Oh.
- Uh-uh.
Okay, then.
- That's my bad.
- Yeah.
Well Sleepy bye, my little tiger.
- Nighty night, - My little buckaroo.
Oh.
Did it work? Oh, hell, yeah, bitch.
Really? All right, man! - I can't believe it! - Nice job! Help me! I cut my finger! To the bone! Damn, man, you scared us! Yeah, we're in the middle of something.
Gosh! I still don't understand what you were doing, Bill.
I was in the basement cutting up fliers for my babysitting company, and I sliced my finger To the bone.
- I think we heard him scream.
- Yeah, we saw some of your blood.
But didn't think someone needs a ride to the hospital? I'm sorry, Bill, are we not driving you to the hospital right now? Is this not enough for you? - Shotgun! - Good call.
Dang it! You know what? Bill, look We're sorry, man, but we were kind of busy dealing with the ghost of Dr.
Telamericorp.
That's Josh, you idiot.
He used to work here, and Alice kept sexually harassing him.
She even commissioned that portrait.
- He sued the company.
- Okay, so there was never a Dr.
Telamericorp.
Great.
Thank you.
Or was there? You asking me? There wasn't.
- Sure.
- Let's go! All right, already, Bill! Whoa, you're whipping it.
Uh-oh!