Workaholics s04e04 Episode Script
Miss BS
- Morning burgs.
Clink, clink.
- Yeah.
Nothing like being at a bus stop, crushing burgs in the morning with my boys.
- Nothing like it.
- With that said, uh, when are you going to get the 'Vo fixed, Ders? Dude, when I get $600 to fix the brakes.
When do you think that's going to happen for you in your life? I don't know.
When I win the lottery? That's, like, a great plan.
My neighbor growing up He actually bought a lotto ticket every day.
He's homeless now.
Right, 'cause it's next to impossible to win the lottery.
It wasn't about the the tickets.
He was addicted to methamphetamines.
- Nice buns.
- They are.
- They're good, right? - Yeah.
Excuse you? What's up? Oh, no.
Uh, we were talking about the burgers.
We were we were commenting on how delicious the buns are.
- We can't even see your buns.
- Bitch! Hey, leave him alone, all right? Oh, is this your mommy? No, if anything, I'm the daddy, and I'm asking you to step off.
And I'm I'm a cool bachelor Uncle, and I'm I'm just, like, hanging around.
I ride a motorcycle.
I have good hair.
- I'm like Uncle Jesse, basically.
- I'm Danny Tanner.
- I'm comet.
- Too bad you're all bitches.
- Give me your money! - No, what? - What the - Oh, jeez! Whoa! Just take Just take our money, then.
If you just reach in my front pocket, it's in there.
Jesus.
Just leave the receipt, though I need that.
- Just give me your soda.
- Yeah, of course.
Uh, I mean, I've already had too much caffeine anyways.
- [Chuckles.]
- Bitch.
- Hit my limit.
- Oh.
[Exhales deeply.]
Ooh.
- Take it.
- Yeah.
So take it.
- Right? - "I'm going to take your soda.
" I wasn't even scared of her, dude.
I was so brave right then.
We'll just catch the next one! Well, I tell you what She's lucky she's a girl, or I would have knocked her block off.
Yeah, man.
I mean, I'm still stewing about it over here.
- Get in the broth, baby.
- I know.
It's never okay to hit a chick, right? - But - Hmm.
That chick was, like She wanted the funk, man.
She wanted to hit me! So what am I supposed to do? My hands are tied, and I'm not going to head-butt her either.
Look, I'm American, born and bred, but as a country, I think it's time we rethink this whole never-hit-women policy.
- I agree.
- Whoop! She's on.
- It's on.
- Oh, here we go.
Turn it up.
Turn it up.
Maggie Sims, or as you know her, Siss B.
S.
Oh, it's her, it's her Miss B.
S.
Sir, do you recognize me? Last week you sold me bogus Jason Mraz tickets.
That's a B.
S.
! How do you feel knowing that the whole world knows you by the Ponzi scheme? That's a B.
S.
Illegal pizza delivery! I don't remember ordering this topping.
That's a B.
S.
- Damn! - Who's fine? I'm here outside of big Hank's auto body shop, where last week I went in with a hidden camera and got a pretty pricey quote for a new muffler.
Oh, yeah, lady, I can replace that muffler, but it's going to be, like, $900.
So that was the price for miss B.
S.
Now let's see what kind of price Mr.
B.
S.
gets.
My lady's always trying to control me.
Last month I had to eat soup for four nights.
So so what do we got here, I mean, just between us? - Listen, just between us guys - Just between us dudes.
- 400 bucks.
- 400 bucks for a new muffler.
Exactly.
It's a great deal.
It is a great deal.
Only, it's B.
S.
- What the - And it is sexist! - Get out of my shop.
- We got him.
Get that camera out of here.
Get out! - He can't B.
S.
Miss B.
S.
- Come on, dude.
Sexism's, like, my least favorite thing, besides salad bars.
- I also hate salad bars.
- Yeah.
And if you know of a corrupt business, call the number at the bottom of your screen.
What if we, like, uh, threw a "save the 'Vo," like, fund-raiser? - I like that.
- Yeah, maybe she'd come over.
You know how, like, celebrities They love going to charity events.
What? [Sniffs.]
Do you smell my fart? Did you Oh.
Oh! Bully! - She's here.
- Oh! [Whispering.]
Oh, my gosh.
- Get the get the - Come on! - Hey.
- Hi.
Howdy.
How's it going? Good.
So are you guys the ones who called in the tip? - We're the guys.
- Mm-hmm.
- I got you a gift.
- Yeah.
I hope you enjoy it.
- It is the book Twilight.
- Oh.
It's about It's basically you.
It's, like, a strong, empowered woman who falls in love with, uh, a dude with a dope hairline.
Thank you.
- Thank you for that.
- You're welcome.
Uh, if you want to come on in here W-would you like anything from the break room? We got water in there.
We got some old bananas.
We got some multi-grain cheerios.
Oh, no, thank you.
I'm on kind of a tight schedule.
So what's the story? Well, the story starts with a broke-down 'Vo and hopefully will end with you being our a-list celebrity at the 'Vo fund-raiser party this weekend.
- It's a fund-raiser? - Yeah.
See, I was told that there were unsafe work conditions here.
- There is.
- There are, yeah.
There's a ton, like, um, the break room? Yeah, it's more like the slip-and-break-your-neck room.
You can really bust your nut in there.
Okay.
So thank you so much for wasting my time.
What? All: No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Hey.
Ah, I'm sorry.
I probably came off as a real freakin' perv.
- [Mumbling incoherently.]
- [Laughs.]
- It's like you - Yeah.
M-make me all flustered.
We want you to come to our 'Vo fund-raiser because it means the world to us, and if you'd just spend some time with us, you'd realize that we're cool, normal dudes.
We make funny jokes.
We do funny pranks.
- Oh, so many funny pranks.
- Yeah.
Like, uh Like world-star-worthy stuff.
Like, uh, we do smack hams.
We mess with people's food.
[Laughter.]
We do European sharking, which Google that.
- Phone calls.
- Yes.
We do those all day to, like, old people and stuff, so it's funnier.
We make 'em buy the stupidest [Bleep.]
- Almost like it's our jobs.
- Right.
Wait a minute.
It is.
- [Laughter.]
- It is.
We're telemarketers.
- Doy! - Yes.
What we do is we'll just target old people, you know? We'll look at the list, and then we'll be like, "that's an old name.
That's a lonely name.
- We're gonna call that name.
" - Edith? I will [Bleep.]
an Edith.
Over! I'm sorry.
Oh, gosh.
I just I-I, like, stopped the sentence.
Okay.
Well, you know what? I-I have an hour to kill before my next meeting, so I would love to see some of those prank phone calls.
- Cool.
Awesome.
- Cool.
Okay.
Yes.
Yes, but first, you got to see some of the classics.
- Okay.
- Will you touch poop? [Rock music.]
[Air horn blows.]
[Laughter.]
Oh, [Bleep.]
.
- Regular day in the office.
- Where we work.
All: Poop dollar! [Laughter.]
That is my poop! [Coughing.]
It would be, like, an honor if you'd, like, smoke with us.
Aah! God, it's so hot! My [Bleep.]
mouth, my [Bleep.]
throat! Who does the best, uh, face, like, right before you're about to get killed? Go.
Go! [High-pitched voice.]
Hey, grandma? It's me, Ricky.
Yeah, I'm selling magazines for school again, so I need a little bit of money.
[Weakly.]
Ethel, this is the spirit of your dead husband.
They won't release me from hell unless you buy some steaks.
[Groans.]
[Deep voice.]
Yeah, now, uh, real quick I'm gonna need the expiration date and the three-digit code on the back.
That is very good, Doris.
You pass your Alzheimer's test.
Uh, thank you very much.
[Normal voice.]
And I got her.
[Laughing.]
You guys are too funny.
- We are, aren't we? - Yeah.
Do more.
[Triumphant music.]
- Is it on? - Yeah, man, here we go.
Next week we'll be looking at telemarketers who are conning our senior citizens out of their hard-earned pennies.
[High-pitched voice.]
Hey, grandma? It's me, Ricky.
I'm selling magazines for school again, so I was wondering if I could have some money.
Old people are so stupid.
[Laughs.]
Oh, cool.
We should start beating up old people too Right? Just 'cause I hate 'em so much.
So tune in Monday to find out which telemarketing firm I call B.
S.
on.
Remember, you can't B.
S.
Miss B.
S.
Well, Chuck, what's going on with the weather? I mean, nobody at the office watches the news, right? Nah.
I'm sure it's fine.
Yeah, exactly, so Well, well, well If it's not the cast of Newsroom, except Jeff Daniels didn't try to [Bleep.]
me in my ass.
You're gonna cost us our jobs, and I can't lose my job! This is the only place I feel comfortable making eye contact! [Speaking native language.]
I pissed now! Okay, yep.
- [Spits.]
- Whoa! Hey, Alice wants to see you in her office.
Y'all done done it now.
Ew, what did you eat? Jeez.
Excuse me.
Okay, come on, a little respect.
Good thing I'm stronger than most of you.
Just let me into her office! She needs to see us! Okay, Alice, uh [Chuckles.]
You being a smart lady, I'm sure you watch the news, stay informed, and I just want you to know that everything we did was for charity, so it's a good cause, very positive.
Also, I would like to press charges against waymond for spitting in my face just now.
It was very violent.
I don't know what he ate, but it it stunk.
Maybe he ate peppercorn.
After the story airs, they're closing the branch.
What what if we got on the phones right now, you know, really took it to 'em and showed T.
A.
C.
brass - A little hustle and flow? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We could throw a little, like, uh, musical festival outside, get a baby pool.
Oh, man, it's like an '80s movie.
We're just gonna all get on the phones a cool montage.
It's like Dun-dun-dun, take it to the limit Just go home, or don't.
It doesn't really matter.
Nothing matters.
We're already unemployed, marked for death.
- Well, I'm gonna - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Go on some calls.
We're just gonna let you do your thing.
Marked For Death, though Great segal movie.
Check it out.
Okay, that was scary.
I've never seen Alice like that in my life.
I mean, she looked like she was gonna kill herself like the predator does in Rredator.
- Whoa, spoiler alert.
- What are you talking about? We've watched the Rredator together.
Yeah, and then I forgot, so I could enjoy it again.
Cheer up, 'cause at least now we know what the B.
S.
in "Miss B.
S.
" stands for betrayal slut.
If Miss B.
S.
were a mister, I'd say, "hey, guess what.
You pull that story, or I will tune you up!" But I can't, right? 'Cause she's a chick.
That doesn't even make sense, man, because you wouldn't even be hitting her for, like, s-sexist, gender-based reasons.
That's exactly right, 'cause if you hit a chick just 'cause she's a chick, that's wrong.
But if you hit her because she's out of pocket Isn't it more sexist not to hit a woman because she's a woman? What you're saying is more sexist I'm saying, do you want us to hold the door for you or not? Well, you do.
That's gentlemanly.
Well, sure, right, but then if you don't get through that door, I'm gonna tag you.
- Yeah.
- You're basically denying the woman's right to get smashed in the face with a fist.
That's her right.
It's your human right.
I think I got an idea.
You know, just because three dudes can't hit a woman, right, doesn't mean that a woman can't hit the woman that the three dudes won't hit.
- What? - A lot of numbers.
I stopped listening.
I got really into chugging my beer.
I just I have a plan.
So you want me to punk some white lady for y'all? - That's right, yep.
- Right.
And if she gets out of hand, you have our permission to swing on that chick, just stomp a mud-hole in her crud-hole.
I mean, technically, all you got to do is scare her enough that she doesn't run the story on us, but if you get the chance, sock her in the mouth.
We'd punch her, but it's, like, a society thing.
- Right.
- Men can't hit women.
It's like Chris brown ruined for everyone.
- What's in it for me? - Why don't you go ahead and consider this Carl's Jr.
gift card and coupon a little advance.
Yeah, we thought you'd like it 'cause you ate our food earlier.
There's 15 bucks on there, so you can get a ton of different stuff.
The guacamole burger, I'd recommend.
Beating up a white bitch f or burgers? That's the [Bleep.]
I like.
Cool.
- [Gasps.]
- Jesus.
- Scared-ass bitches.
- [Sighs.]
You all right? You okay? Well, I'm getting better.
Only a little squirted out that time.
- Okay, here's our girl.
- Oh, she see's us.
- Get 'em.
- Shh.
- Hey, Adam.
- Come on, dude.
- Sorry.
- Here we go.
Game time.
Hey, fool, I got to talk to you.
- Ooh.
Wow.
- What is she doing? Ooh.
Skinny bitch can throw a punch.
- Oh, that was insane.
- Oh.
- Those are serious poundings.
- Oh.
She's getting extra points for that.
Why does she know how to fight like this? Oh, my God, dude.
World star.
World star.
- Get out of here, man.
- This is great.
- No mercy.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my gosh, this is terrible.
Isn't that little girl, like, 16 years old? I don't know, man.
It's the the latina skin.
It just you don't know what age they are.
Are you guys' penises not soft right now? Mine is definitely not soft.
Mine is not un-hard.
I have a boner.
[Car alarm chirps.]
- Oh! Hey.
- Come on.
How's your job? I remember back before we met yo - we had three of those things.
- Oh, Christ.
Hey, and, uh, are you guys hiring, by any chance? I think I'd make a damn fine weatherman.
Yeah, and, you know, just our forecast is calling for a high chance of unemployment.
Okay.
You're pissed.
I get it, okay? But this is what I do.
I'm sorry.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! No, no, we're not pissed.
Come on, do we look pissed? Who cares about the telemarketing job we had that we lost 'cause of you, you know? - It's just we're broke now.
- Yeah, we're broke.
Our car's broke, and we're probably gonna be living out of it, but, you know, we're actually throwing a fund-raiser to fix the car and, uh You know, if we had a big-time celebrity there, it would probably really help us out.
Just, like, come over for 20 minutes, then you never have to see us again - That's it.
- Unless you want to Unless you, like, want to have, like, an intimate thing with one of us, in which case we would be into that, but I don't know.
I don't know if we have chemistry now that this has all gone down, but please just come! - Please? - Please? - Please.
- Please.
- Please? - Please? All: Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? You're a little off.
You guys are a little off beat there.
- Are you saying "police"? - Please.
Please.
No, I'm saying "please.
" I'm trying to get a "please" chant going.
You guys are ridiculous.
[Sighs.]
- Please? - Please.
Don't walk away.
Don't walk away from us, please.
Give the party info to the receptionist.
- Yes! - Cool! - You're the best! - Yes! Oh, my God.
You are an angel.
Yes, you are not gonna regret this.
She's an angel.
- You are not gonna - Don't bother her.
Adam? - Yep? - Let's go.
Okay, you're not gonna regret this.
Miss B.
S.
! Welcome to the, uh, brahj mahal.
[Laughter.]
You guys, she's here! Miss B.
S.
is here! B.
S.
is here.
[All cheering.]
- Yeah! - She's just a human.
She's just a human celebrity.
Let's, uh, be totally normal around her.
[Both chuckle.]
Um, I brought this for your wine selection.
Oh, we got a huge one of those it's super big-time.
And here is a Pinot - Oh.
- De Tequila.
[Laughter.]
I haven't been to a party like this since college.
- This is kind of wild.
- Yeah, we get loose.
We get wild.
It's like a wild animal kingdom in this piece.
- [Laughter.]
- [Imitates monkey chattering.]
[Both imitating monkey chattering.]
I'm a monkey! We're monkey people.
We're not.
We're humans.
- Let's chug these.
- Bottom's up.
- Cheers.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Mm-mm.
Oh, yeah, you got to put it back.
- [Groans.]
Oh! - Oh.
- Ow.
- Are you okay? - No, he'll be fine.
- It's okay.
Yeah, let's close the door.
We're not trying to heat the neighborhood.
- Okay.
- Yep.
- [Humming.]
I love your blouse.
- Oh, thank you.
- Okay.
- Whoo! - Cheers.
- Oh! - To new best friends.
- To new best friends.
[Laughs.]
Okay.
[Laughs.]
Chug up.
- I think that calls for a shot.
- That calls for a shot.
- Come on, gal pal.
- [Chuckles.]
Mmm.
And I think that calls for another shot.
- Oh! - [Laughs.]
When Miss B.
S.
is off the clock, she's off the chain.
Yeah, tell me about it, man.
She has the coolest moves too.
Look at her go.
They're, like, Indian-influenced.
[Imitating native American chant.]
I wouldn't mind, uh, sleeping with her.
- I'm part cherokee, so - Yeah.
- My dad drives a grand one.
- That's sick.
Uh-huh.
[Siren wails.]
Cops! Cops, cops, cops, cops, cops, cops, cops, cops! Time to go.
Cops are here.
Miss B.
S.
, you probably want to get out of here before they send the cops to you.
- [Laughs.]
What? - Yeah.
Cops are always just snatching up celebrities unjustly, like Mel Gibson.
Why would I care if the cops see me? I mean, what's the big deal, you know? We're l jualaving a few drinks, enjoying the party.
Actually, that is the big deal.
Um, everybody drinking here is pretty much underage.
- Yep.
- This is good for a Merlot.
Yeah, the all three of them combined are probably 30.
Will you go to prom with me? What? Oh, no.
What so I'm at, like, a house party with minors? Why are there children at your house? - Well, they rage.
- Kind of.
- They came with me.
- Oh, so what? You're just here to get your ass kicked again? I'm gonna cut this Oh, you ladies got some history, huh? - Check this out.
- What? Look at this funny video of you just grinding up on a child that's cool.
That's disgusting.
Turned into a man right before our eyes.
So here's the deal.
We don't want that to leak, and that'd be bad news.
I mean, there's Facebook, Twitter.
MySpace is back again.
[Pounding at door.]
- No, MySpace is not back.
- Dude, I'm telling you.
It's back, okay? I got a profile on there now.
The format is sick.
I hope you're right because I'd love to bring back my "hey, tom, I'm not your friend," joke.
- [Pounding at door.]
- Open the door! - It's the police! - Okay.
Oh, my God.
This is happening.
I you guys, I could lose my job.
Oh, that sucks.
It's a terrible feeling.
- We know it well.
- Terrible.
But we're cool, right? We could probably find a way to not tell the cops Like, get rid of all these videos.
Okay, I see it.
I see all I see what you did and, you know, cue the applause.
Kudos on that.
All right, here's the deal.
If you guys promise to kill all this footage of me, and I-I will not run the telamericorp story.
- All right! - Yes! Yes, you got it.
You got it.
Wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a second.
How do we know you're not lying? - Yes.
- [Sighs.]
You can't B.
S.
the B.
S.
Ers.
- She's slippery, isn't she? - That's us.
- Who is it? - Rick.
- It's Rick.
- Don't run the T.
A.
C.
story.
- It's Rick.
It's him.
- Okay, I got the facts wrong.
Just run the dog-park story again.
Everybody loves that crap.
Dog-park story.
That's the one.
Where's that dog park too? 'Cause, like, chicks for days.
- [Pounding at door.]
- Open the door! I'm not gonna ask again! Okay, so we'll take it from here.
You hit the back door, all right? - We'll call you.
- Don't ever call me! - Wait! - Oh, Mike.
See you later, Mike.
That's a real bonding moment we shared.
Right? It was, like, eye for an eye, and now let's hug.
Yeah.
Now get in here, and let's French-kiss.
- Let's three-way kiss.
- You want to get loco? I think she knows what that means.
What the [Bleep.]
is wrong with you guys? - Don't shoot.
No.
- Did it work? We did our best cop voices.
I pretended I was Vic mackey from The Shield.
- Is that what that was? - Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Either way, it worked, so, nice.
Thanks, Anders.
It means a lot.
- You're creepy sincere.
- I'm proud of y'all.
You know, normally y'all be messing stuff up, but you finally cleaned up your Oh, my go why is my 14-year-old son in here drinking wine? [Laughing.]
Hey, man.
- Junior! - Chill.
He's a party animal.
- Yo.
- Hey.
I'm taking all the beers.
Marissa, A.
J.
, let's roll.
- No.
No, you're not.
- Nope.
- Not this time, no.
- Yeah.
Just give us our beers.
[Sighs.]
Fine.
- You can split one.
- Fine.
That's all we wanted.
- Move! - Yeah, that's fine.
- We're brave, though, right? - Get out of here.
I wasn't even intimidated that time, and my crotch is totally dry.
- Hell, yeah! - Whoo! My man! Yeah, real heroes.
So we definitely know the problem is located under the hood area.
- Yeah, but the - Yes! [Laughs.]
You guys.
- What's up? - You guys, we did it.
What? Are you helping us or what? - What's up? - We beat the odds, man.
We did the next to impossible.
- We won the lotto? - We won the lotto? - We won the lotto? - Oh, my God! What? I'm buying a new car! - I'm gonna buy you a car! - No.
What do you want? What do you want? I'm gonna cry.
I'm gonna cry.
Truck it.
I want a motorcycle! You're gonna burn your crotch on a rocket! I want to go all [Imitates motorcycle engine.]
[Laughter.]
[Imitates motorcycle engine.]
No, we didn't win the lotto.
We, uh we made it on to world star! - [Laughs.]
- What? We made it on to the website world star hip-hop.
Yeah.
Our video made the page.
Okay, well, that's still pretty cool.
- You got us all excited.
- Come on, get pumped.
- Oh, my gosh.
That's awesome.
- I filmed that! Oh, wow.
Brutal.
- Mm-hmm.
- We got a comment.
What's this? Ezzybeatz7 He's saying, "if it weren't illegal to hit women, I would box these bitches out!" - That's cool.
- Yeah.
It's good to know mister Beatz7 is on our side.
Amen!
Clink, clink.
- Yeah.
Nothing like being at a bus stop, crushing burgs in the morning with my boys.
- Nothing like it.
- With that said, uh, when are you going to get the 'Vo fixed, Ders? Dude, when I get $600 to fix the brakes.
When do you think that's going to happen for you in your life? I don't know.
When I win the lottery? That's, like, a great plan.
My neighbor growing up He actually bought a lotto ticket every day.
He's homeless now.
Right, 'cause it's next to impossible to win the lottery.
It wasn't about the the tickets.
He was addicted to methamphetamines.
- Nice buns.
- They are.
- They're good, right? - Yeah.
Excuse you? What's up? Oh, no.
Uh, we were talking about the burgers.
We were we were commenting on how delicious the buns are.
- We can't even see your buns.
- Bitch! Hey, leave him alone, all right? Oh, is this your mommy? No, if anything, I'm the daddy, and I'm asking you to step off.
And I'm I'm a cool bachelor Uncle, and I'm I'm just, like, hanging around.
I ride a motorcycle.
I have good hair.
- I'm like Uncle Jesse, basically.
- I'm Danny Tanner.
- I'm comet.
- Too bad you're all bitches.
- Give me your money! - No, what? - What the - Oh, jeez! Whoa! Just take Just take our money, then.
If you just reach in my front pocket, it's in there.
Jesus.
Just leave the receipt, though I need that.
- Just give me your soda.
- Yeah, of course.
Uh, I mean, I've already had too much caffeine anyways.
- [Chuckles.]
- Bitch.
- Hit my limit.
- Oh.
[Exhales deeply.]
Ooh.
- Take it.
- Yeah.
So take it.
- Right? - "I'm going to take your soda.
" I wasn't even scared of her, dude.
I was so brave right then.
We'll just catch the next one! Well, I tell you what She's lucky she's a girl, or I would have knocked her block off.
Yeah, man.
I mean, I'm still stewing about it over here.
- Get in the broth, baby.
- I know.
It's never okay to hit a chick, right? - But - Hmm.
That chick was, like She wanted the funk, man.
She wanted to hit me! So what am I supposed to do? My hands are tied, and I'm not going to head-butt her either.
Look, I'm American, born and bred, but as a country, I think it's time we rethink this whole never-hit-women policy.
- I agree.
- Whoop! She's on.
- It's on.
- Oh, here we go.
Turn it up.
Turn it up.
Maggie Sims, or as you know her, Siss B.
S.
Oh, it's her, it's her Miss B.
S.
Sir, do you recognize me? Last week you sold me bogus Jason Mraz tickets.
That's a B.
S.
! How do you feel knowing that the whole world knows you by the Ponzi scheme? That's a B.
S.
Illegal pizza delivery! I don't remember ordering this topping.
That's a B.
S.
- Damn! - Who's fine? I'm here outside of big Hank's auto body shop, where last week I went in with a hidden camera and got a pretty pricey quote for a new muffler.
Oh, yeah, lady, I can replace that muffler, but it's going to be, like, $900.
So that was the price for miss B.
S.
Now let's see what kind of price Mr.
B.
S.
gets.
My lady's always trying to control me.
Last month I had to eat soup for four nights.
So so what do we got here, I mean, just between us? - Listen, just between us guys - Just between us dudes.
- 400 bucks.
- 400 bucks for a new muffler.
Exactly.
It's a great deal.
It is a great deal.
Only, it's B.
S.
- What the - And it is sexist! - Get out of my shop.
- We got him.
Get that camera out of here.
Get out! - He can't B.
S.
Miss B.
S.
- Come on, dude.
Sexism's, like, my least favorite thing, besides salad bars.
- I also hate salad bars.
- Yeah.
And if you know of a corrupt business, call the number at the bottom of your screen.
What if we, like, uh, threw a "save the 'Vo," like, fund-raiser? - I like that.
- Yeah, maybe she'd come over.
You know how, like, celebrities They love going to charity events.
What? [Sniffs.]
Do you smell my fart? Did you Oh.
Oh! Bully! - She's here.
- Oh! [Whispering.]
Oh, my gosh.
- Get the get the - Come on! - Hey.
- Hi.
Howdy.
How's it going? Good.
So are you guys the ones who called in the tip? - We're the guys.
- Mm-hmm.
- I got you a gift.
- Yeah.
I hope you enjoy it.
- It is the book Twilight.
- Oh.
It's about It's basically you.
It's, like, a strong, empowered woman who falls in love with, uh, a dude with a dope hairline.
Thank you.
- Thank you for that.
- You're welcome.
Uh, if you want to come on in here W-would you like anything from the break room? We got water in there.
We got some old bananas.
We got some multi-grain cheerios.
Oh, no, thank you.
I'm on kind of a tight schedule.
So what's the story? Well, the story starts with a broke-down 'Vo and hopefully will end with you being our a-list celebrity at the 'Vo fund-raiser party this weekend.
- It's a fund-raiser? - Yeah.
See, I was told that there were unsafe work conditions here.
- There is.
- There are, yeah.
There's a ton, like, um, the break room? Yeah, it's more like the slip-and-break-your-neck room.
You can really bust your nut in there.
Okay.
So thank you so much for wasting my time.
What? All: No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Hey.
Ah, I'm sorry.
I probably came off as a real freakin' perv.
- [Mumbling incoherently.]
- [Laughs.]
- It's like you - Yeah.
M-make me all flustered.
We want you to come to our 'Vo fund-raiser because it means the world to us, and if you'd just spend some time with us, you'd realize that we're cool, normal dudes.
We make funny jokes.
We do funny pranks.
- Oh, so many funny pranks.
- Yeah.
Like, uh Like world-star-worthy stuff.
Like, uh, we do smack hams.
We mess with people's food.
[Laughter.]
We do European sharking, which Google that.
- Phone calls.
- Yes.
We do those all day to, like, old people and stuff, so it's funnier.
We make 'em buy the stupidest [Bleep.]
- Almost like it's our jobs.
- Right.
Wait a minute.
It is.
- [Laughter.]
- It is.
We're telemarketers.
- Doy! - Yes.
What we do is we'll just target old people, you know? We'll look at the list, and then we'll be like, "that's an old name.
That's a lonely name.
- We're gonna call that name.
" - Edith? I will [Bleep.]
an Edith.
Over! I'm sorry.
Oh, gosh.
I just I-I, like, stopped the sentence.
Okay.
Well, you know what? I-I have an hour to kill before my next meeting, so I would love to see some of those prank phone calls.
- Cool.
Awesome.
- Cool.
Okay.
Yes.
Yes, but first, you got to see some of the classics.
- Okay.
- Will you touch poop? [Rock music.]
[Air horn blows.]
[Laughter.]
Oh, [Bleep.]
.
- Regular day in the office.
- Where we work.
All: Poop dollar! [Laughter.]
That is my poop! [Coughing.]
It would be, like, an honor if you'd, like, smoke with us.
Aah! God, it's so hot! My [Bleep.]
mouth, my [Bleep.]
throat! Who does the best, uh, face, like, right before you're about to get killed? Go.
Go! [High-pitched voice.]
Hey, grandma? It's me, Ricky.
Yeah, I'm selling magazines for school again, so I need a little bit of money.
[Weakly.]
Ethel, this is the spirit of your dead husband.
They won't release me from hell unless you buy some steaks.
[Groans.]
[Deep voice.]
Yeah, now, uh, real quick I'm gonna need the expiration date and the three-digit code on the back.
That is very good, Doris.
You pass your Alzheimer's test.
Uh, thank you very much.
[Normal voice.]
And I got her.
[Laughing.]
You guys are too funny.
- We are, aren't we? - Yeah.
Do more.
[Triumphant music.]
- Is it on? - Yeah, man, here we go.
Next week we'll be looking at telemarketers who are conning our senior citizens out of their hard-earned pennies.
[High-pitched voice.]
Hey, grandma? It's me, Ricky.
I'm selling magazines for school again, so I was wondering if I could have some money.
Old people are so stupid.
[Laughs.]
Oh, cool.
We should start beating up old people too Right? Just 'cause I hate 'em so much.
So tune in Monday to find out which telemarketing firm I call B.
S.
on.
Remember, you can't B.
S.
Miss B.
S.
Well, Chuck, what's going on with the weather? I mean, nobody at the office watches the news, right? Nah.
I'm sure it's fine.
Yeah, exactly, so Well, well, well If it's not the cast of Newsroom, except Jeff Daniels didn't try to [Bleep.]
me in my ass.
You're gonna cost us our jobs, and I can't lose my job! This is the only place I feel comfortable making eye contact! [Speaking native language.]
I pissed now! Okay, yep.
- [Spits.]
- Whoa! Hey, Alice wants to see you in her office.
Y'all done done it now.
Ew, what did you eat? Jeez.
Excuse me.
Okay, come on, a little respect.
Good thing I'm stronger than most of you.
Just let me into her office! She needs to see us! Okay, Alice, uh [Chuckles.]
You being a smart lady, I'm sure you watch the news, stay informed, and I just want you to know that everything we did was for charity, so it's a good cause, very positive.
Also, I would like to press charges against waymond for spitting in my face just now.
It was very violent.
I don't know what he ate, but it it stunk.
Maybe he ate peppercorn.
After the story airs, they're closing the branch.
What what if we got on the phones right now, you know, really took it to 'em and showed T.
A.
C.
brass - A little hustle and flow? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We could throw a little, like, uh, musical festival outside, get a baby pool.
Oh, man, it's like an '80s movie.
We're just gonna all get on the phones a cool montage.
It's like Dun-dun-dun, take it to the limit Just go home, or don't.
It doesn't really matter.
Nothing matters.
We're already unemployed, marked for death.
- Well, I'm gonna - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Go on some calls.
We're just gonna let you do your thing.
Marked For Death, though Great segal movie.
Check it out.
Okay, that was scary.
I've never seen Alice like that in my life.
I mean, she looked like she was gonna kill herself like the predator does in Rredator.
- Whoa, spoiler alert.
- What are you talking about? We've watched the Rredator together.
Yeah, and then I forgot, so I could enjoy it again.
Cheer up, 'cause at least now we know what the B.
S.
in "Miss B.
S.
" stands for betrayal slut.
If Miss B.
S.
were a mister, I'd say, "hey, guess what.
You pull that story, or I will tune you up!" But I can't, right? 'Cause she's a chick.
That doesn't even make sense, man, because you wouldn't even be hitting her for, like, s-sexist, gender-based reasons.
That's exactly right, 'cause if you hit a chick just 'cause she's a chick, that's wrong.
But if you hit her because she's out of pocket Isn't it more sexist not to hit a woman because she's a woman? What you're saying is more sexist I'm saying, do you want us to hold the door for you or not? Well, you do.
That's gentlemanly.
Well, sure, right, but then if you don't get through that door, I'm gonna tag you.
- Yeah.
- You're basically denying the woman's right to get smashed in the face with a fist.
That's her right.
It's your human right.
I think I got an idea.
You know, just because three dudes can't hit a woman, right, doesn't mean that a woman can't hit the woman that the three dudes won't hit.
- What? - A lot of numbers.
I stopped listening.
I got really into chugging my beer.
I just I have a plan.
So you want me to punk some white lady for y'all? - That's right, yep.
- Right.
And if she gets out of hand, you have our permission to swing on that chick, just stomp a mud-hole in her crud-hole.
I mean, technically, all you got to do is scare her enough that she doesn't run the story on us, but if you get the chance, sock her in the mouth.
We'd punch her, but it's, like, a society thing.
- Right.
- Men can't hit women.
It's like Chris brown ruined for everyone.
- What's in it for me? - Why don't you go ahead and consider this Carl's Jr.
gift card and coupon a little advance.
Yeah, we thought you'd like it 'cause you ate our food earlier.
There's 15 bucks on there, so you can get a ton of different stuff.
The guacamole burger, I'd recommend.
Beating up a white bitch f or burgers? That's the [Bleep.]
I like.
Cool.
- [Gasps.]
- Jesus.
- Scared-ass bitches.
- [Sighs.]
You all right? You okay? Well, I'm getting better.
Only a little squirted out that time.
- Okay, here's our girl.
- Oh, she see's us.
- Get 'em.
- Shh.
- Hey, Adam.
- Come on, dude.
- Sorry.
- Here we go.
Game time.
Hey, fool, I got to talk to you.
- Ooh.
Wow.
- What is she doing? Ooh.
Skinny bitch can throw a punch.
- Oh, that was insane.
- Oh.
- Those are serious poundings.
- Oh.
She's getting extra points for that.
Why does she know how to fight like this? Oh, my God, dude.
World star.
World star.
- Get out of here, man.
- This is great.
- No mercy.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my gosh, this is terrible.
Isn't that little girl, like, 16 years old? I don't know, man.
It's the the latina skin.
It just you don't know what age they are.
Are you guys' penises not soft right now? Mine is definitely not soft.
Mine is not un-hard.
I have a boner.
[Car alarm chirps.]
- Oh! Hey.
- Come on.
How's your job? I remember back before we met yo - we had three of those things.
- Oh, Christ.
Hey, and, uh, are you guys hiring, by any chance? I think I'd make a damn fine weatherman.
Yeah, and, you know, just our forecast is calling for a high chance of unemployment.
Okay.
You're pissed.
I get it, okay? But this is what I do.
I'm sorry.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! No, no, we're not pissed.
Come on, do we look pissed? Who cares about the telemarketing job we had that we lost 'cause of you, you know? - It's just we're broke now.
- Yeah, we're broke.
Our car's broke, and we're probably gonna be living out of it, but, you know, we're actually throwing a fund-raiser to fix the car and, uh You know, if we had a big-time celebrity there, it would probably really help us out.
Just, like, come over for 20 minutes, then you never have to see us again - That's it.
- Unless you want to Unless you, like, want to have, like, an intimate thing with one of us, in which case we would be into that, but I don't know.
I don't know if we have chemistry now that this has all gone down, but please just come! - Please? - Please? - Please.
- Please.
- Please? - Please? All: Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? You're a little off.
You guys are a little off beat there.
- Are you saying "police"? - Please.
Please.
No, I'm saying "please.
" I'm trying to get a "please" chant going.
You guys are ridiculous.
[Sighs.]
- Please? - Please.
Don't walk away.
Don't walk away from us, please.
Give the party info to the receptionist.
- Yes! - Cool! - You're the best! - Yes! Oh, my God.
You are an angel.
Yes, you are not gonna regret this.
She's an angel.
- You are not gonna - Don't bother her.
Adam? - Yep? - Let's go.
Okay, you're not gonna regret this.
Miss B.
S.
! Welcome to the, uh, brahj mahal.
[Laughter.]
You guys, she's here! Miss B.
S.
is here! B.
S.
is here.
[All cheering.]
- Yeah! - She's just a human.
She's just a human celebrity.
Let's, uh, be totally normal around her.
[Both chuckle.]
Um, I brought this for your wine selection.
Oh, we got a huge one of those it's super big-time.
And here is a Pinot - Oh.
- De Tequila.
[Laughter.]
I haven't been to a party like this since college.
- This is kind of wild.
- Yeah, we get loose.
We get wild.
It's like a wild animal kingdom in this piece.
- [Laughter.]
- [Imitates monkey chattering.]
[Both imitating monkey chattering.]
I'm a monkey! We're monkey people.
We're not.
We're humans.
- Let's chug these.
- Bottom's up.
- Cheers.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Mm-mm.
Oh, yeah, you got to put it back.
- [Groans.]
Oh! - Oh.
- Ow.
- Are you okay? - No, he'll be fine.
- It's okay.
Yeah, let's close the door.
We're not trying to heat the neighborhood.
- Okay.
- Yep.
- [Humming.]
I love your blouse.
- Oh, thank you.
- Okay.
- Whoo! - Cheers.
- Oh! - To new best friends.
- To new best friends.
[Laughs.]
Okay.
[Laughs.]
Chug up.
- I think that calls for a shot.
- That calls for a shot.
- Come on, gal pal.
- [Chuckles.]
Mmm.
And I think that calls for another shot.
- Oh! - [Laughs.]
When Miss B.
S.
is off the clock, she's off the chain.
Yeah, tell me about it, man.
She has the coolest moves too.
Look at her go.
They're, like, Indian-influenced.
[Imitating native American chant.]
I wouldn't mind, uh, sleeping with her.
- I'm part cherokee, so - Yeah.
- My dad drives a grand one.
- That's sick.
Uh-huh.
[Siren wails.]
Cops! Cops, cops, cops, cops, cops, cops, cops, cops! Time to go.
Cops are here.
Miss B.
S.
, you probably want to get out of here before they send the cops to you.
- [Laughs.]
What? - Yeah.
Cops are always just snatching up celebrities unjustly, like Mel Gibson.
Why would I care if the cops see me? I mean, what's the big deal, you know? We're l jualaving a few drinks, enjoying the party.
Actually, that is the big deal.
Um, everybody drinking here is pretty much underage.
- Yep.
- This is good for a Merlot.
Yeah, the all three of them combined are probably 30.
Will you go to prom with me? What? Oh, no.
What so I'm at, like, a house party with minors? Why are there children at your house? - Well, they rage.
- Kind of.
- They came with me.
- Oh, so what? You're just here to get your ass kicked again? I'm gonna cut this Oh, you ladies got some history, huh? - Check this out.
- What? Look at this funny video of you just grinding up on a child that's cool.
That's disgusting.
Turned into a man right before our eyes.
So here's the deal.
We don't want that to leak, and that'd be bad news.
I mean, there's Facebook, Twitter.
MySpace is back again.
[Pounding at door.]
- No, MySpace is not back.
- Dude, I'm telling you.
It's back, okay? I got a profile on there now.
The format is sick.
I hope you're right because I'd love to bring back my "hey, tom, I'm not your friend," joke.
- [Pounding at door.]
- Open the door! - It's the police! - Okay.
Oh, my God.
This is happening.
I you guys, I could lose my job.
Oh, that sucks.
It's a terrible feeling.
- We know it well.
- Terrible.
But we're cool, right? We could probably find a way to not tell the cops Like, get rid of all these videos.
Okay, I see it.
I see all I see what you did and, you know, cue the applause.
Kudos on that.
All right, here's the deal.
If you guys promise to kill all this footage of me, and I-I will not run the telamericorp story.
- All right! - Yes! Yes, you got it.
You got it.
Wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a second.
How do we know you're not lying? - Yes.
- [Sighs.]
You can't B.
S.
the B.
S.
Ers.
- She's slippery, isn't she? - That's us.
- Who is it? - Rick.
- It's Rick.
- Don't run the T.
A.
C.
story.
- It's Rick.
It's him.
- Okay, I got the facts wrong.
Just run the dog-park story again.
Everybody loves that crap.
Dog-park story.
That's the one.
Where's that dog park too? 'Cause, like, chicks for days.
- [Pounding at door.]
- Open the door! I'm not gonna ask again! Okay, so we'll take it from here.
You hit the back door, all right? - We'll call you.
- Don't ever call me! - Wait! - Oh, Mike.
See you later, Mike.
That's a real bonding moment we shared.
Right? It was, like, eye for an eye, and now let's hug.
Yeah.
Now get in here, and let's French-kiss.
- Let's three-way kiss.
- You want to get loco? I think she knows what that means.
What the [Bleep.]
is wrong with you guys? - Don't shoot.
No.
- Did it work? We did our best cop voices.
I pretended I was Vic mackey from The Shield.
- Is that what that was? - Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Either way, it worked, so, nice.
Thanks, Anders.
It means a lot.
- You're creepy sincere.
- I'm proud of y'all.
You know, normally y'all be messing stuff up, but you finally cleaned up your Oh, my go why is my 14-year-old son in here drinking wine? [Laughing.]
Hey, man.
- Junior! - Chill.
He's a party animal.
- Yo.
- Hey.
I'm taking all the beers.
Marissa, A.
J.
, let's roll.
- No.
No, you're not.
- Nope.
- Not this time, no.
- Yeah.
Just give us our beers.
[Sighs.]
Fine.
- You can split one.
- Fine.
That's all we wanted.
- Move! - Yeah, that's fine.
- We're brave, though, right? - Get out of here.
I wasn't even intimidated that time, and my crotch is totally dry.
- Hell, yeah! - Whoo! My man! Yeah, real heroes.
So we definitely know the problem is located under the hood area.
- Yeah, but the - Yes! [Laughs.]
You guys.
- What's up? - You guys, we did it.
What? Are you helping us or what? - What's up? - We beat the odds, man.
We did the next to impossible.
- We won the lotto? - We won the lotto? - We won the lotto? - Oh, my God! What? I'm buying a new car! - I'm gonna buy you a car! - No.
What do you want? What do you want? I'm gonna cry.
I'm gonna cry.
Truck it.
I want a motorcycle! You're gonna burn your crotch on a rocket! I want to go all [Imitates motorcycle engine.]
[Laughter.]
[Imitates motorcycle engine.]
No, we didn't win the lotto.
We, uh we made it on to world star! - [Laughs.]
- What? We made it on to the website world star hip-hop.
Yeah.
Our video made the page.
Okay, well, that's still pretty cool.
- You got us all excited.
- Come on, get pumped.
- Oh, my gosh.
That's awesome.
- I filmed that! Oh, wow.
Brutal.
- Mm-hmm.
- We got a comment.
What's this? Ezzybeatz7 He's saying, "if it weren't illegal to hit women, I would box these bitches out!" - That's cool.
- Yeah.
It's good to know mister Beatz7 is on our side.
Amen!