Workaholics s07e01 Episode Script

1 Hey, old-timer.
Forget something? Ohh, you forgot the staples.
Oh, we truly are the main office pranksters, aren't we? This turned out amazing.
You're a genius, Bill.
Why isn't this cutting? Oh, no.
Uh, what's the matter, Bill? Did someone dull the paper cutter? [together.]
Ahh! What the hell is this? Uh, what do you mean? It's a coffee pot.
Is that not coffee in there? Oh, is there not coffee? Actually, Ders, don't you mean flat Dr.
Pepper pot? Because we put flat Dr.
Pepper in a coffee pot and switched it.
We pwn'd you! [laughter.]
Y'all ain't funny.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
It's too funny.
Oh, it's too good of a prank.
I can't breathe.
[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box".]
I'm fresh You gotta, you gotta, you gotta Gotta be fresh No, Adam.
It's not even a contest.
The monkey would bite the Rock's dick off.
What if he wore a muzzle? Wait, on his dick? No, on his face.
Muzzle although that's a good idea, muzzle on your dick.
I want to wear one on mine.
Okay, wait, you've completely changed the question at this point.
Yeah, that's not what we're talking about.
What is this? Okay, now I'm looking at the top of page three: "Unapproved attire includes halter tops, shirts with spaghetti straps, biker shorts No wonder this office sucks.
I mean, we've got Bill hiring all these old fogies.
Mm-hmm, I mean, this place could be like like Coachella.
- Oh, that would be sick.
- Right? Like, sexy young thangs wearing, like, kind of racist Indian headdresses - Really racist.
- You know? Yes, they're racist, but they look hot.
Is it racist if it's hot? That's the question.
What if we had some hip youngsters in here, you know? We could, like, talk about viral videos or, like, fashion trends or, like, totally be kept up with the Kardashians, which I've been wanting to get kept up on.
All I'm saying is, we should be the ones running the train trainee trainee's oh, I've never seen that word before.
That is a weird word.
New Employees Bagel Bash.
Here's me at mine.
Okay, thank you, Bill.
We will take it from here, all right? Hey, my name is Adam, the top sales dog, or at least pretty high up there, DeMamp, and these are my associates.
Howdy, I'm Blake, and you are probably thinking, "What is going on here?" Well, this ain't your granddaddy's orientation anymore.
- No, it's not.
- What are you doing? Alice said I could do this.
Alice said that you were really bad at your job, Bill, and that you're suspended for a week and you should go home now and not even talk to her about it.
I can't go home now.
My roommate gives tap-dancing lessons to seven-year-old fart boxes all day.
This sucks! Ahh! Okay, you're embarrassing yourself, Bill.
- Oh, okay, all right.
- That was loud.
- Jeez.
- I didn't feel safe, you know? - It was scary.
- Yeah, yeah.
He should go give screaming lessons to seven-year-olds.
I didn't I didn't like that.
I didn't like that either.
And now it's just us, guys.
Let's get comfortable.
Why don't we pull out the index ca in your pamphlet there, okay? Take a pen or a thick marker and write your age on that card and hold it up nice and high so we can see.
Great call.
Uh-oh.
Wow, that once says four.
Yikes.
Four, four, a couple fours.
Oh, I like these three right there with the twos.
Yes, and yes.
Absolutely not.
Sit your ass down.
Because you have a three as your first letter in your number.
- Ew, 35? - Mm-mm.
Yeah, that's really bad.
Okay, so if my friend Adam here pointed to you, why don't you come on up, tell us a little bit about yourself, what makes you tick.
Yo, what's up? Salute.
Dab.
[all babbling indistinctly.]
What's up, guys? My name's Colt.
22, young, fit, black, kind of into bacon lately.
It's my thing.
- All right.
- All right, like that.
Suh.
I'm Leila, wish I was black, and all bacon e'rythang.
[laughter.]
Sure.
I'm Mykyl with two Ys.
I'm white, but sensitively, I am racially colorblind.
That's tight.
I I'm a vegan, except for bacon, of course.
Well, now that they said their part, now is your part.
Please get up and leave.
You're fired.
I'm sorry.
- You are fired.
- Yeah, we're good.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Sorry about that.
- This way.
- Yep.
This is blatant ageism.
You might be too old to understand what we were saying.
I'm saying you're fired, 'cause you're too old, okay? - Buh-bye.
- [bleep.]
you.
- [together.]
Oh.
- How's that for old? - Oh, okay.
- Oh, okay.
I liked her suit, though.
- What a second.
- Ohh.
Wow.
Guys, guys, guys.
What does your card say there? Is that your actual age? Yes.
Are you kidding me? I've never met one.
- I've never met one.
- Yeah, it's crazy.
So, like, do you what, like, 69, like means? The sexual term? Oh, dude, this dude's a freak.
- You nasty.
- It is sexual.
That's a hilarious age.
Okay, I think, yeah, you can stick around, and from now on, you're name is 69 Man.
You're 69 Man, dude.
That's your nickname.
My name is Jerry.
Hey, Blake, it's Anders.
Hey, are you over there on your phone pretending like you're on a super-important call? Yes, I am, actually.
I look like I'm working very hard, but really I'm just talking to my friends and horsing around.
Hey, Blake and Anders, it's Adam, and I'm doing what you guys just explained that we're doing.
- Right.
- So shut up, Mom.
I'm talking to my friends, okay? Oh, so you are talking to somebody.
- Shut up.
Shut up.
- No, you shut up.
You're you're a disrespectful bitch, okay? You also get long-distance calls.
Sick life hack.
- Yeah.
- Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
- Yeah.
- I think we done with work.
And right now, I think it's time to do what we came here to do, and that is uh-oh, I got an itch.
Oh.
And that itch is to prank.
No, I want the one with the hot tub.
It's the honeymoon suite, okay? - And I'm gonna fill that tub up - Yo, Tez.
Your car is getting towed.
Oh, my God.
Not again.
Colleen is gonna beat my ass if I don't bring this Chinese food home tonight.
What the hell is going on? [laughter.]
You don't get it? Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
Dude, your car is horn-y beep-beep so I'm toe-ing it.
[laughter.]
I ain't got no time for this bullshit.
It's too hot out here.
It's too hot for this.
- What? - Oh, he just got pranked.
That is just an example of, you know, some of the pranks we pull on a regular basis around here.
Just one of the many, really.
But sometimes we've got to get real, just like you guys, and set some boundaries, some rules.
Number one rule, no snitching, not to Alice, nobody.
And that's true, 'cause snitches get - [together.]
Stitches.
- Put in a body bag, right? 'Cause we will frickin' murder a snitch.
- Yeah, yeah, stop - So no snitches.
'Cause snitches are [together.]
Big old pieces of shit.
- They are.
- We don't like 'em.
Well said.
Oh, and one more for Michael with two Ys, because he's inquisitive.
But seriously, guys, nothing like a hot-roof beer after pulling a cold-blooded prank.
[laughter.]
It was cold-blooded.
It is the absolute best.
Oh, Jesus, dude.
That is super hot.
It's like soup.
Yeah, well, they've been on the roof for a week, so - Yeah.
- It's still good.
Guys, I'd like to propose a toast, if you don't mind.
- Sure.
- To the three best mentors I've ever had.
- Yes.
- [howls.]
[all howling.]
That's the thing we do.
Can I get real for a sec? - Please.
- Yeah.
I feel pretty goddamned blessed to be here on this roof drinking this very, very hot beer with you all.
Oh, I [bleep.]
love this family.
You cry, I cry, right? You cry, we're gonna cry.
Come here.
Come here.
[together.]
Ohh.
Here we go.
Yes.
[all howling.]
Human contact.
[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box".]
He's insane Watch me touch this.
You did it.
You did what you said.
- I got it.
It's waggling.
- You touched it.
Ohh, 69 Man, you 69 last night? Oh, yeah, I did.
That's really awesome.
- Wow.
- Yeah, dude.
Morning, legends.
You're just in time.
We fried up some artisanal bacon, made some savage Bloodys.
Whoo, or do you guys want milk, because you're legend-dairy? [laughter.]
Oh, you should tweet that.
- That's funny, dude.
- Thank you.
That's funny.
All right, fam, follow me.
This sitch is about to get lit.
So check this out.
We gave the floors a special polish with a-bacon grease.
[laughter.]
- Boom.
- Oh, okay.
- It looks great.
- Yeah.
So listen, you guys ready for the show? - Okay.
- Yeah.
Mykyl, please do the honors.
With pleasure.
[alarm blaring.]
- No, no, no, no, no.
- What is going on? Run, run, this whole place is gonna burn down.
- Hurry.
- [together.]
Ohh! - Faster.
- Ow, my back.
Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.
It's definitely broken.
My L3 is shattered.
Dude, how amazing is this? Yeah, it's oh, Alice, Alice.
Go, go, everybody.
Go, go, go.
What is happening? No snitching.
No snitching.
Where's Jillian? Ooh-hoo-hoo.
Pileup on the floor-05.
- Out.
- Come on.
Come on.
Oh, my God.
That was nasty.
Super-funny prank, very funny.
Just, you know, the pranks we do are a little more chill.
We just don't want to get fired, you know? We've got a good thing going here, good health bennies.
- What other things? - Pretzels.
Health bennies? Dude, who cares? I'ma live forever.
- What? - Whoo-hoo! Yeah, no, dude, I'm gonna live forever.
Whoo-hoo! [together.]
Ohh! And that's what's up.
And that's what's up.
Yeah, no, I think I pulled something.
Hey, man, I don't know if you guys would want to [bleep.]
With this, but we had an idea for a pretty cool thing to use the office for, but ah, you know what? It's probably too savage for you guys.
What? No, are you did you not just see what he did? - Yeah, my boy's a savage.
- That was insane.
We're in.
We're loco.
We're down to clown.
We want to shoot a porno in the office.
You want to and you and you actually you have the I would love that's, like honestly, that's my dream, so I'm excited.
He has, like, a lot of scripts already written.
I have so many scripts.
Good, man, I've been shooting porno since junior high, bro.
It's, like it's, like, my main side hustle.
Oh, my God.
I'm hyperventilating.
This is, like that would be my dream gig.
Wait, wait, you guys don't have side hustles? Uh-uh, no.
This is our main hustle.
And then we just go smoke weed and drink beers on the roof.
- Which it's a hustle.
- Yeah.
Yo, even Alice has a side hustle.
She teaches yoga on the weekends.
- Cool.
- That's tight.
She does.
- That's cool.
- Slammin' body.
Anyway, we think the cubicle would be a dope location.
It's gonna be a really special film, super talented group of sex workers.
Yeah, we just need help handing out the snacks, so these actors get pretty hungry, if you know what I mean.
- Smashing is their cardio.
- Oh, my God.
That could be our side hustle, dudes.
We could be like a snack shack on porno sets.
- Yes! - Yup.
Yes.
Get in there.
[laughter.]
[all howling.]
Guys, I've got salami-wrapped combos.
I like 'em, but will they? Yeah, they're gonna love those.
That's protein.
That's what they want.
- Thanks - They don't need Ders' creamy clam chowder in their face.
Uh, it's pronounced clam chow-ders, all right? And these [bleep.]
sters need stamina, all right? This is all Michael Phelps ate in Beijing, okay? And I think we all know what happened in Beijing.
Eight golds.
Seven world records, guys.
Beijing, come on.
Yeah, we're kind of Team Lochte.
Jyyyeah.
Listen, guys, a bit of bad news.
The male actors actually canceled on us.
Damn it.
Are they okay? They're fine, and so are the female actresses.
So this is what's gonna go down.
They saw your guys' photographs, and they want to know if you guys want to get it in.
- Yes.
- All right, great.
So you guys get ready.
We'll go grab your costars.
- Whoo! - Hang tight.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, no.
- What? Dudes.
- Oh, my God.
This is happening.
Here we go.
Wait, wait, wait, okay, let's think about this, though, guys.
We're doing we're doing porno now.
Like, my face I don't want to show my face, 'cause I still want to run for city council in 2016.
Okay, well, first off, it's 2017, so - You know what? - It's 2017? Cover your ugly, dumb face, 'cause my face, it's what should be front and center, okay? I say we use my face and also my dick.
- Okay.
- Okay, and we'll just blur out my midsection.
Yeah.
And I kind of want to cover it, just if we can pixilate it or blur it out or whatever.
But the big thing is is that we are all going to be nude, and my penis, I don't know if it's adequate enough.
Where is the penis pump? - Where yes, okay.
- It's right over there.
- Oh, oh, Ders.
- What? - I'm gonna need your help.
- Okay, what do you need, man? What do you need? I need a little help shaving my butthole.
Absolutely not.
- Shave my butthole, Ders.
- No.
Stop it.
If anything, I'm gonna shave my butthole, and I'm gonna eat chowder so I can have an explosive O.
- Help him.
- Look, I have got a thick, thick mane down there, and my family will be embarrassed by my porno if I don't have a slick butthole.
- Please.
- Okay.
You're a swimmer.
I know you shave other men's buttholes often.
- Please.
- Fine.
I'm only doing this because I'm good at it, okay? I trim my chowder; I'll shave your hole.
Come on.
Come on, you little prick.
Thank you so much for doing this.
Oh, my God.
I'm right I'm back here now, okay? - Okay.
- Holy Jesus.
- Oh, my God.
- All right.
- Is it bad? - Yeah.
Dude, it looks like someone CGI'd butthole hair back here.
Ah, yeah, it's been a while since I've maintained.
Here we go.
Right side's down.
Go ahead and give it a feel.
I put it at a two.
I can take it down to a one.
It's gonna be prickly, though.
- Let's go one.
- Okay.
- Yep.
- Your funeral.
Oh, welcome to our Oh, hey.
Chow-ders is almost Yeah, hey, my butthole's almost ready too.
Whoa.
What the hell is going on in here? Alice, where do you it's Saturday.
Why are you here I'm teaching a yoga class, Anders.
It's my side hustle.
- Cool.
- Yeah, we got those too.
[penis pump squeaking.]
Okay, what the hell is that noise? It's for my sleep apnea.
I snore a lot, and then this kind of just [snoring.]
You know what? When you guys started here seven years ago, this was all kind of cute, but you know what? You're old as [bleep.]
now.
We're basically in our 20s more or less still.
- Yeah.
- Okay, you know what? You're suspended for a week without pay.
Now, get the hell out of here.
Okay, I think that was slightly harsh for just shaving a butthole and staging a porno in our cubicle.
Guys? This thing works.
[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box".]
Uh-oh, hello, office.
- We're back.
- The boys are back.
- Baloney boys in the building.
- Shh.
They might hear you.
Yeah, okay, and that's the whole point, so they hear us.
Trying to say what's up to everybody.
[both speaking indistinctly.]
Don't drink that.
Leila shat in the water.
Oh, what? Right, women? Ohh.
Hey, these new trainees are straight-up evil.
They're [bleep.]
with everybody all day every day.
It's enough.
I don't care.
I say we put an end to this thing for good.
Don't kill anyone.
Bill, chill.
Okay, listen, we gonna prank 'em back.
We want to know if y'all are in.
Yeah, I think it's safe to say that we're in.
In fact, we're down for a clap back.
- Both: Clap back.
- Yep.
We've got to do something, because they broke our number one rule.
You don't snitch, not to Alice, not to HR, not to the police.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Don't snitch.
I guess the main office pranksters will get to work then.
You guys sit back, relax, and we're about to clap back.
No, thank you, okay? We've seen how y'all prank.
We're gonna handle the pranking.
We got this.
Okay, wow.
Okay, you're in charge.
Please let us know if we can assist you, Your Highness.
Seriously, though, if we could just help, we're pretty bored and have nothing to do.
Sup? You guys have a good week off? You chill, hit the ol' internal rest button? Yeah, no, it was very chill.
A week with no pay.
I didn't even get to visit the ice cream truck.
Wait, you guys you guys aren't pissed, are you? You know, it's just that we don't usually involve Alice in pranks is all, so, you know.
You guys inspired us.
You're our heroes.
We're you biggest Stans.
That's cool.
I have always considered myself a Slim Shady.
- Yes.
- And I plan on talking about murdering my wife but not actually doing it.
Kim sucks.
Yeah, dude, and on the lowdown, it was hella rad of you guys to stay true to yourselves inside and not snitch.
I mean, you guys are like the super-old wise dogs our pack always needed.
Right, right, but, like, the oldest of the young dogs.
Yeah, no, I get that.
You know, we're still pups on the porch, even though we like to run around in the yard.
- Yeah.
- But since we're all pups here, I've got to tell you that everyone in this office wants to fi-ight you, and they're planning a prank clap back.
- Yep.
- But the thing is, is, we really li-ike you.
And we don't want to fi-ight you.
We li-ike you too.
So if you let us QB this prank, new school and newer school working together - Yes.
- I think we could prank the office before they prank you.
Yeah.
We appreciate you guys li-iking us, and we don't want to fi-ight anybody at all.
If you guys don't mind, yeah, we'll let you take the lead on the clap back.
[quirky music.]
[snickers.]
Yo, what up, world? It's us.
The main office pranksters in conjunction with What up, fam? And we about to pull the ultimate main office prank in da world.
That's right, so we got LSD, MDMA, and Special K all up in their coffee, because it's a clap back.
Oh, Bill's feeling it.
Anybody else feeling hot in here? [all snickering.]
[speaking indistinctly.]
We're a different alternate universe.
[groaning.]
I'm losing my mind.
I'm seeing demons.
No.
No! That is not good.
That is not good at all.
My eyes! I can't see! My heart is about to pop! Oh! [mumbling indistinctly.]
Jerry, what's poppin'? [groaning.]
Jerry.
What's popping, Jerry? - No.
- Oh.
Yo, they're, like, OD'ing.
Their old hearts couldn't handle it, guys.
We could we could go to jail for this.
- Yep.
- What do you mean, "yep"? Hey, no, don't worry about it.
That's on us, okay? You guys should get out of here.
You got your whole lives ahead of you, right? So just run.
Get out of here.
Because sometimes clap backs clap back.
I mean, this is on us.
We appreciate everything you taught us, old dog.
I'm not an old okay, I'm not old, though.
Yo, man, you all guys are heroes, man.
You may think this is good-bye, but this is great-bye.
You'll live in my heart forever.
Just go.
Just go.
Just go.
I never liked you.
I liked you the least.
- Just go.
- Oh, my gosh.
You guys did such a great job, and I'm proud of you, everyone.
Get up.
- Feeling good.
Shake it off.
- Wow, I'm impressed.
You feel like you've lost some weight.
Good acting.
That was really good stuff.
You guys are officially the JV main office pranksters.
- Seriously.
- Hey, how are we the JV? That was my idea.
Well, you guys are like the nerd losers of the office; we're cool.
You weren't in charge.
That's why it worked.
Uh, hold on.
I think 69 Man's taking a nap.
Hey, bud.
Oh, yeah.
Come on.
Prank's over.
He's a ham.
- Yeah.
- 69 Man.
That's varsity material.
69 Man.
Hey, 69 Man.
Come on, get up.
69 Man.
69 Man.
69 Man.
[together.]
Ahh! [The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box".]
And even though we hardly knew him, never really knew his real name, it was still pretty awesome that he let us call him the 69 Man.
He was old.
But knew that 69 was a cool sexual maneuver.
So in mem memori mem memoriam-dum, we got his favorite sandwich, an Italian Trio from Jersey Mike's we're assuming; we don't know the guy, but that's our favorite sandwich, so Yeah, we would have liked that.
This is supposed to be Italian Trio party sub.
This is roast beef.
They made a mistake.
Are you sure that someone didn't switch it on purpose? [laughter.]
You just got pranked, dude, and what is that? And what is that? [together.]
A clap back.