Would I Lie To You? (2007) s03e02 Episode Script
Ken Livingstone, Reginald D Hunter, Fern Britton, Stephen Mangan
1 Tonight on Would I Lie To You She's a priceless presenter Fern Britton! He's a Free AgentStephen Mangan! And their team captain David Mitchell! And facing them tonight, beaten by a ToryKen Livingstone! Always got a story Reginald D Hunter! And their team captain, Lee Mack! And your host, Rob Brydon! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You, the show where fibbing is the order of the day.
When they're lying, people fidget awkwardly, they shuffle their feet and they avoid eye contact.
I know this is a fact because the other day I did a stand-up gig to an audience of 2,000 liars.
LAUGHTER We lie the most on the telephone, because there's no written record.
Lee lies on the phone all the time.
There's never really a fire, is there, Lee? LAUGHTER And scientists believe we evolved the ability to lie simply because it helps us to get food and sex.
I don't have to lie to get food! LAUGHTER And so to Round One, Home Truths.
It's all about the extraordinary, exciting lives of our panellists.
Each panellist will turn over a card containing either a true fact about themselves or a whopping lie they've never seen before.
Can the opposing teams separate the truth from the fibs? First up, Reg.
The D in my name stands for Delicious.
LAUGHTER - Obviously, why? - Well, it was the late '60s when I was born, 1969.
There are a lot of black men my age around that time being given names like Reginald and Winston and Delicious.
LAUGHTER Because at that time in America, affirmative action had just started so black women saw an opportunity for their children to get jobs.
So what they did was, "We'll give him a name that will "enable him to be recognisable yet dignified to potential employers.
" - And Delicious is dignified? - Well, I mean, you have to understand, it's a little different in the black community than it is in your white world.
LAUGHTER And so, like, the name Delicious commands great respect in the ghetto.
LAUGHTER You probably don't listen to much rap music, do you, Fern? There's MC Delicious, Big Papa Delicious French Golden? LAUGHTER Where did Reginald come from? Reginald is a German name.
It means mighty, or wise power.
Delicious means very tasty.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - What was your father's name? - His name was Homer.
LAUGHTER - What was his middle bit? - He didn't have a middle name.
He grew up in the '30s and '40s - tough times for black people, and he couldn't afford a middle name.
LAUGHTER Do you have brothers and sisters? - I do indeed.
- And what are their names? Um, there's Brenda, there's Cathy, there's Oliver, there's Scrumptious LAUGHTER I don't think people would have thought that calling you Delicious would help you get jobs, except as a food.
- Shall we say it's a lie? - Yeah.
We're gonna feel stupid when it's true.
You're saying that it's a lie? Reg, is it the truth or is it a lie? It is a lie.
APPLAUSE So what does the D stand for in your name? What does the D stand for in my name? None of your business.
LAUGHTER The D in Reg's name does not stand for Delicious.
I did once meet a person called Delicious, but I'm not sure it was her real name.
Or if the other girl was really her sister.
Or if either of them were actually qualified nurses.
LAUGHTER But I will say, if you're watching, Delicious, could I please have my wallet back? LAUGHTER And Stephen Mangan, you're up next.
Yep.
I once guessed the exact number of sweets in a Mini Cooper and was awarded a prize by Britain's tallest man.
TITTERS How many sweets were in that car? Yep.
I can't remember, actually.
Ooh, when was this? - I would've been about 11.
- Can you give us a ballpark figure? It was something in the 4,000 area, because they were quite - .
.
Quite big.
I don't - 4,000 sweets in a Mini Cooper? I don't think they were real sweets - they were probably, - like, fake, big sweets.
- Right.
What sweets were they? What tipped you off to make you think that they was fake? They just looked too big for a mouth.
- If they're that big - you said this big? - Quite big, yeah.
I don't know, about Yeah.
- So they had massive, fake sweets in a Mini Cooper? - Yeah.
I'm very suspicious of your story.
LAUGHTER You can't remember the amount.
You can't remember the size.
And where was this? Any recollection of the country? Yeah, yeah.
It was at Brent Cross shopping centre.
I won £100.
- What? - That was the prize.
- £100? - £100.
- What year was this? - Oh 80late '80s - '83? Something around there.
"Late '80s - 83"? LAUGHTER Bit of advice.
Don't ever try and make it in politics.
You haven't got a chance.
And he knows.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I sense you're edging ever closer to a decision.
- What are we going to say, Ken? - He's lying.
- Not that tough then.
Reginald? - My first instinct is to say that that's too fantastic a story to have ever happened to anybody.
But then I think you look like you might do anything.
LAUGHTER I'm gonna go with yeah.
I don't know whether to go with Reginald, with his suave charm Or you.
LAUGHTER I'm going to go with him here, and say that you are, in fact, not telling the truth.
You're saying it's a lie? OK.
So, Steve Mangan.
Truth or fiction? It is, in fact - .
.
The truth.
- No! No, no, no! APPLAUSE Yes, it's actually true.
Stephen did guess the exact number of sweets in a Mini Cooper and was awarded a prize by Britain's tallest man.
I'm so glad that that story ended happily, considering it had the words "car," "sweeties" and "strange man" in it.
LAUGHTER - Ken, your turn to reveal all.
- "I am the Mayor of London.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I was the first person in the world to breed the Congolese frog, hymenochirus curtipes, in captivity.
TITTERS This shouldn't take long.
David.
Why? They are the only frog I know that has a prehensile anus.
LAUGHTER You got Lee's attention.
They can turn the anus into a small tube, which sprays eggs or sperm in - just about every general direction.
- How did you m-m-make them breed? Well He stammered when he asked it.
I love that.
"Sir, h-how did you, um, m-m-make them breed?" LAUGHTER Everybody else kept them in tanks with an aerator, which bubbled away.
With the prehensile anus spraying the sperm and the eggs in all directions, if it's bubbly water, they just sink down and nothing happens.
They need to stay on the surface film.
So it's pure luck on my part.
Not in my wildest dreams did I think I'd hear Ken Livingstone say "anus" so many times.
You should have been around on election night.
LAUGHTER OK, David.
What's your decision? I think it's a clever lie, because we know how you like - amphibians or reptiles or whatever.
What's, what's the? - Politicians.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You have to reach a decision.
What do you think, is it true or false? - AUDIENCE MEMBER: False.
- She thinks it's a lie, see? You can't ask members of the audience.
- Of course you can! - What is this? - Hands up all who think it's a lie.
What's this?! - It's unheard of on this show.
- What I like, Fern, is that we now have a sort of soupcon of Ready, Steady Cook about it.
- What are you going to say, then? - I think Green Tomatoes have got it.
- And you're saying? - There were more hands up for true.
- I think we're going to go with true.
- You're saying it's true? Hee-hee! Right.
Ken Livingstone, is it the truth or is it a lie? It's true.
APPLAUSE Yes.
It's completely true.
Ken was the first person in the world to breed the Congolese frog, hymenochirus curtipes.
LAUGHTER Ken, perhaps if you'd concentrated a bit harder on your transport policy instead of Kermit, you'd still be in power.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Our next round is called the Ring Of Truth.
I read out celebrity facts and all our teams have to do is decide if they're true or not.
What could be simpler? David's team, look at this clip of someone we can all look up to.
Years ago, a Brylcreemed head looking like patent leather was just the thing for the trendy young man.
1955, Saturday night, off to Tottenham Royal.
So it was crash, bass, sausage and mash, two kippers and a bonbon, a little dab'll do ya.
Really so, on the barnet.
And then the combination was, Old Spice on the German, little bit of Old Spice Tiddly winky woo, with the Brylcreem, bee's knees.
APPLAUSE You know what? I wouldn't mind giving him a punchy wunch in the boat race.
Here's the related fact, then, for David's team.
Is this possible, David's team? Why would you need a Cockney version of the Bible? It was to make the Bible more accessible to the man on the street.
Sun blushed tomat-a Stigmata.
LAUGHTER George Carey endorsed it in 2001.
The feeding of the 5,000 becomes Jesus feeding 5,000 geezers from five loaves of Uncle Ned and two Lillian Gish.
LAUGHTER "Jesus heals a deaf and dumb man" is translated as, "Jesus heals a mutton Jeff geezer who couldn't rabbit, either.
" LAUGHTER Please, let this be true! - Again, it would be great if that was true.
- Wouldn't it? I'd buy one of those.
You'd think we'd have heard about it though, wouldn't you? Chas and Dave would have done a CD.
LAUGHTER Why is that clever, rhyming slang? Why is that good? You're using language to make it unclear.
Say what you mean! It was to stop the police knowing what you were talking about.
People shouldn't stop the police knowing what they're talking about! - What are you going to say? - I'd like to believe it, but I think it's a lie.
- It has to be a lie, doesn't it? - OK, we'll say lie.
You're saying lie? It is True.
APPLAUSE Yes, amazingly, it's true.
I have the book here.
We don't Adam and Eve it! LAUGHTER Let me read a bit to you.
The Lord's Prayer.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA - I'm going to hate this, aren't I? - Yes, you are.
I'll just brace myself.
- "Hello, Dad.
" - Oh, God.
LAUGHTER No, no, no - "Dad.
" "Hello, Dad, up there in good ol' heaven.
"Your name is well great and holy, and we respect you, guv.
LAUGHTER "We hope we can all have a butcher's at heaven, "and be there as soon as possible.
"And we wanna make you happy, guv.
" It is true.
When the book came out, it was a massive hit, which is also Cockney rhyming slang.
LAUGHTER Which means at the end of that round, it's David with three points and Lee with two points.
LAUGHTER Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest, who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Or, more embarrassingly, is someone from the Child Support Agency looking for Lee.
This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest and it's up to Lee's team to spot the truth.
So please welcome this week's special guest, Gordon.
APPLAUSE So, Stephen, what is Gordon to you? Er, well, this is Gordon.
Er, Gordon and I were in a prog-rock band called Aragon, and we recorded an album called The Wizard's Dream.
TITTERS - David, perhaps you'd like to explain the connection.
- Yes, this is Gordon.
He works in my local pet shop, and recently sold me a hamster that died the very next day.
Finally, Fern, explain your relationship with Gordon.
This is Gordon.
He's the subject of my life-drawing class and I have - painted him naked three times.
- There we are then, pretty straightforward.
A former prog-rocker, a purveyor of poorly pets, or a nude model.
- Lee's team, where would you like to start? - What did the hamster die of? What did the hamster die of? I don't really know, actually, - I think it was - I think we all know, David.
LAUGHTER You didn't take it back and ask for your money back, or ask for an explanation about why it died? You just brought the man who sold you the dead hamster on the show.
LAUGHTER Who was the hamster for? It was for the godson of some friends of mine.
No, no - rather, my godson, who is the son of some friends of mine.
- Can I ask, are you close? - It was for God's son.
LAUGHTER For his birthday, I bought him a hamster, and he came down the next morning LAUGHTER and the hamster was no longer alive.
- OK.
Stephen.
- Hello.
- Could you remind us again of the name of the band? - Aragon.
OK.
And what was the album? - The Wizard's Dream.
- Can you name some of your songs on the album? - Yep.
- In fact, I've changed the question - name them all, without stopping for breath.
There was The Dragon, which was 15 minutes long.
Er, Reflections Of The Reaper.
- Fool By The Fire.
There were four songs, that's three - Four songs on an album? - Yeah.
Well, one was 15 minutes long - Which year was this? - This was the early '90s, 1986.
LAUGHTER - How many band members were there? - There were four at that point.
- We started with - Could you name the other members? - Yes.
- Do it.
Right.
I see where you're going.
- Charlie Dilks.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER Good old Charlie.
And Angus Ford-Robertson.
And, Fern Now, you take sketches of this man here? So, what - you build up from fruit, to flowers, to his testicles, or? LAUGHTER We started on a ladder and a bit of fabric and the paint brushes and things, then we moved on to eventually Gordon and he was there for three sessions.
OK.
Now, let me ask you this, when did you do this course? - Two years ago, I started.
And I still do them.
- You still do them? Now, you get up and rush off to the studio, you've got four kids and you have whatever extra things you do, and then you have time to go and paint men you don't know.
- Well, it's only 7 o'clock to half-past eight.
- Really? Really? - You're a very energetic woman, Fern, to do all that.
- Thank you.
Don't say "thank you.
" It's not a compliment, it's an accusation.
So, Lee's team, is Gordon Stephen's ex-bandmate, David's hamster vendor, or Fern's nude model? - OK, what do you think, Reginald? - I don't think Fern has time.
I don't believe you would ever try to handle a hamster, living or dead.
LAUGHTER And I think it's you, because you and this cat here - Gordon, y'all got the same eyebrows.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - And, Ken, you're going with Stephen as well? - Yeah, yeah.
So it's Stephen? - Let's go with Stephen.
- OK.
Gordon, would you like to reveal your true identity? My name is Gordon and I was a guitarist in a progressive-rock band called Aragon with Stephen, and we did record The Wizard's Dream.
APPLAUSE Thank you very much for coming along tonight.
Cheers.
Gordon.
APPLAUSE Yes, the story was true.
Gordon was Stephen's bandmate.
And if you fancy listening to Wizard's Dream, simply log on to iTunes - there's literally tens of thousands of much better albums available right there.
LAUGHTER So, at the end of that round, David's team have three points, Lee's team have three points.
APPLAUSE Which brings us to our final round, called Quickfire Lies, in which our panellists lie not only through their teeth, but against the clock.
Again, they don't know whether they're about to read a true fact, or a lie that we've made up and they've never seen before.
So we will start withLee.
"Last year, I was ordered to leave Blackpool Tower, "after I threw a sausage roll off the top.
" - How were you discovered? Did someone see you? - Security was at the top.
And they saw you? Why did you throw it? Well, because I'm Northern and I just thought, the bin's over - The bin was not in sight.
- Why didn't you finish it? Because actually, I'd already had one.
This was my second.
I was halfway through it and I thought, "No more for me.
" Were they hot sausage rolls? If you want, I'll give you the accurate heat of how they were.
This hot HE PANTS SCATTERED APPLAUSE Why did you throw it off the top? You're there, security's there, it's a horrible thing to do How fast is a hot, or even quite hot, sausage roll gonna be moving by the time it hits No, you're wrong, David.
It wasn't quite hot .
.
some poor, morbidly-obese child down on the promenade, having a miserable time on holiday in Blackpool, of all places? And he's just heard about the divorce of his parents, consoling himself with another load of high-sugar snacks, and the next thing he knows, a warm-ish sausage roll hits him slap in the face! LAUGHTER - He may be trying to eat the second sausage roll! LAUGHTER David, let's have a guess.
- Fern? - I don't think - I don't - I don't think he would.
- I think it's a lie.
- I think we think this is a lie.
- Yes.
- You're all agreed? - Yes.
- It's a lie? - It's a lie.
- OK.
Lee, is it the truth, or is it a lie? It's actually a lie.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's a lie.
Lee was not ordered to leave the Blackpool Tower after throwing a sausage roll off the top.
As if anyone from the North would waste something wrapped in pastry.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And nextit's David.
"As a child, at my grandparents' house, I had a little bell that I "would ring if I wanted anything.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Lee.
- Why did you have a bell? Well, there was a bell, it was a pre-existent bell.
There was a bell in the house and I liked it.
- Only at the grandparents' house? - Yes.
- Not at home? - No.
Cos your parents didn't play that shit, yeah? At home, you just sort of went LAUGHTER - So how old would you be? - About six.
What were the things you wanted when you rang the bell? More chips.
Er, a glass of orange squash.
A sense of purpose in life.
Was it both grandmother and grandfather that would come and wait on you hand and foot, or was it just one or the other? Er, I was a small child.
I was indulged to a certain extent.
But then also, to a certain extent, there was, "Can you actually just stop ringing the bell now?" - "OK.
" - So, Lee's team, what do you think? Parents could easily have had a bell and the little brat could have just I liked the bell! I liked ringing the bell.
He liked ringing the bell, is it true or is it a lie? Reginald Delicious Hunter? Um Well, Sausage Roll, I believe that I believe that there's a simplicity to the story that rings true.
- I'll go with that.
- Go on.
We'll say that's true.
You're saying it's true.
David, is it true or is it a lie? Well, it is in fact true.
APPLAUSE Yes.
Yes, it's true.
As a child, David's grandparents' house did have a little bell that he would ring if he wanted anything.
Ding-a-ling "Er, could I have a posher upbringing, please?" LAUGHTER - He, erm - That's a remarkable impression, because it has the advantage of also sounding quite a lot like Ken Livingstone.
I know.
You're absolutely right.
As I did it, I thought, "This isn't the best David I've ever done.
" If it was going to be one of the good David Mitchells, it would be more like this.
"I don't know why anybody would think I would do that.
Why would they think that? "And I'll tell you another thing" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And next - Fern.
- Ooh.
"Possession.
" - Ah, now, you have a box under the desk we'd like you to get out.
That's it.
Open it up.
"This is my tea-cosy.
"I take it absolutely everywhere with me, because I can't stand a cold teapot.
" For no reason at all, David, could you just put it on your head? Yeah, all right.
LAUGHTER - Right, now get a big stick - It's George Carey! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I feel quite important.
Can I have a little bell? If you take it everywhere, why isn't it more grubby? Ooh, is it grubby? LAUGHTER - How hot do you like your tea? How hot? - I don't like it when you go like this, "Ugh!" The tongue's all burnt and then the rest of the day, you can't taste anything.
- I understand the language of the miming burn.
- This is the Lee Mack scale, all right? Yeah.
The rest of humanity uses numbers, you know, temperature.
- You use mime.
- Cos that would make sense.
"Is your tea all right?" "Yes, it's a number seven.
Maybe a six, I'm not sure.
" So genuinely, the idea of numbers denoting temperature is new to you? - Yes.
- You think that's ridiculous? - Yes, it is.
- Temperature is measured in units.
- But you don't say it's a seven, do you? I'm talking to the lady, not the nutter! You don't want Who would want a seven, anyway? A cup of tea A seven?! That's horrendously cold.
LAUGHTER In whichever scale.
If it's Centigrade, it's too cold.
If it's Fahrenheit, it's solid! So, Lee, we need a guess, please.
- What d'you think? - Come on.
Come on, man, come on.
- Could you be equally cool? - I think it's a lie.
OK, so that's a lie.
You're saying it's a lie? Fern, is it true or is it a lie? - It's true.
- Oh! Why do you do that? APPLAUSE Yes, it's true.
That is Fern's tea-cosy and she takes it everywhere because she can't stand a cold teapot.
That is Showbiz really is rock and roll, isn't it? It's stashed full of skunk.
LAUGHTER - BUZZER - Oh, that noise signals time's up.
It's the end of the show.
I can reveal that tonight's score is a draw.
David's team have five and Lee's team have five.
APPLAUSE Of course Of course, it's not just a team game, and my individual Liar of the Week this week is Fern Britton.
APPLAUSE Yes.
Fern Britton, whose gigantic whoppers were as beautifully showcased tonight as they were on her 2003 pilates video.
Good night.
When they're lying, people fidget awkwardly, they shuffle their feet and they avoid eye contact.
I know this is a fact because the other day I did a stand-up gig to an audience of 2,000 liars.
LAUGHTER We lie the most on the telephone, because there's no written record.
Lee lies on the phone all the time.
There's never really a fire, is there, Lee? LAUGHTER And scientists believe we evolved the ability to lie simply because it helps us to get food and sex.
I don't have to lie to get food! LAUGHTER And so to Round One, Home Truths.
It's all about the extraordinary, exciting lives of our panellists.
Each panellist will turn over a card containing either a true fact about themselves or a whopping lie they've never seen before.
Can the opposing teams separate the truth from the fibs? First up, Reg.
The D in my name stands for Delicious.
LAUGHTER - Obviously, why? - Well, it was the late '60s when I was born, 1969.
There are a lot of black men my age around that time being given names like Reginald and Winston and Delicious.
LAUGHTER Because at that time in America, affirmative action had just started so black women saw an opportunity for their children to get jobs.
So what they did was, "We'll give him a name that will "enable him to be recognisable yet dignified to potential employers.
" - And Delicious is dignified? - Well, I mean, you have to understand, it's a little different in the black community than it is in your white world.
LAUGHTER And so, like, the name Delicious commands great respect in the ghetto.
LAUGHTER You probably don't listen to much rap music, do you, Fern? There's MC Delicious, Big Papa Delicious French Golden? LAUGHTER Where did Reginald come from? Reginald is a German name.
It means mighty, or wise power.
Delicious means very tasty.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - What was your father's name? - His name was Homer.
LAUGHTER - What was his middle bit? - He didn't have a middle name.
He grew up in the '30s and '40s - tough times for black people, and he couldn't afford a middle name.
LAUGHTER Do you have brothers and sisters? - I do indeed.
- And what are their names? Um, there's Brenda, there's Cathy, there's Oliver, there's Scrumptious LAUGHTER I don't think people would have thought that calling you Delicious would help you get jobs, except as a food.
- Shall we say it's a lie? - Yeah.
We're gonna feel stupid when it's true.
You're saying that it's a lie? Reg, is it the truth or is it a lie? It is a lie.
APPLAUSE So what does the D stand for in your name? What does the D stand for in my name? None of your business.
LAUGHTER The D in Reg's name does not stand for Delicious.
I did once meet a person called Delicious, but I'm not sure it was her real name.
Or if the other girl was really her sister.
Or if either of them were actually qualified nurses.
LAUGHTER But I will say, if you're watching, Delicious, could I please have my wallet back? LAUGHTER And Stephen Mangan, you're up next.
Yep.
I once guessed the exact number of sweets in a Mini Cooper and was awarded a prize by Britain's tallest man.
TITTERS How many sweets were in that car? Yep.
I can't remember, actually.
Ooh, when was this? - I would've been about 11.
- Can you give us a ballpark figure? It was something in the 4,000 area, because they were quite - .
.
Quite big.
I don't - 4,000 sweets in a Mini Cooper? I don't think they were real sweets - they were probably, - like, fake, big sweets.
- Right.
What sweets were they? What tipped you off to make you think that they was fake? They just looked too big for a mouth.
- If they're that big - you said this big? - Quite big, yeah.
I don't know, about Yeah.
- So they had massive, fake sweets in a Mini Cooper? - Yeah.
I'm very suspicious of your story.
LAUGHTER You can't remember the amount.
You can't remember the size.
And where was this? Any recollection of the country? Yeah, yeah.
It was at Brent Cross shopping centre.
I won £100.
- What? - That was the prize.
- £100? - £100.
- What year was this? - Oh 80late '80s - '83? Something around there.
"Late '80s - 83"? LAUGHTER Bit of advice.
Don't ever try and make it in politics.
You haven't got a chance.
And he knows.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I sense you're edging ever closer to a decision.
- What are we going to say, Ken? - He's lying.
- Not that tough then.
Reginald? - My first instinct is to say that that's too fantastic a story to have ever happened to anybody.
But then I think you look like you might do anything.
LAUGHTER I'm gonna go with yeah.
I don't know whether to go with Reginald, with his suave charm Or you.
LAUGHTER I'm going to go with him here, and say that you are, in fact, not telling the truth.
You're saying it's a lie? OK.
So, Steve Mangan.
Truth or fiction? It is, in fact - .
.
The truth.
- No! No, no, no! APPLAUSE Yes, it's actually true.
Stephen did guess the exact number of sweets in a Mini Cooper and was awarded a prize by Britain's tallest man.
I'm so glad that that story ended happily, considering it had the words "car," "sweeties" and "strange man" in it.
LAUGHTER - Ken, your turn to reveal all.
- "I am the Mayor of London.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I was the first person in the world to breed the Congolese frog, hymenochirus curtipes, in captivity.
TITTERS This shouldn't take long.
David.
Why? They are the only frog I know that has a prehensile anus.
LAUGHTER You got Lee's attention.
They can turn the anus into a small tube, which sprays eggs or sperm in - just about every general direction.
- How did you m-m-make them breed? Well He stammered when he asked it.
I love that.
"Sir, h-how did you, um, m-m-make them breed?" LAUGHTER Everybody else kept them in tanks with an aerator, which bubbled away.
With the prehensile anus spraying the sperm and the eggs in all directions, if it's bubbly water, they just sink down and nothing happens.
They need to stay on the surface film.
So it's pure luck on my part.
Not in my wildest dreams did I think I'd hear Ken Livingstone say "anus" so many times.
You should have been around on election night.
LAUGHTER OK, David.
What's your decision? I think it's a clever lie, because we know how you like - amphibians or reptiles or whatever.
What's, what's the? - Politicians.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You have to reach a decision.
What do you think, is it true or false? - AUDIENCE MEMBER: False.
- She thinks it's a lie, see? You can't ask members of the audience.
- Of course you can! - What is this? - Hands up all who think it's a lie.
What's this?! - It's unheard of on this show.
- What I like, Fern, is that we now have a sort of soupcon of Ready, Steady Cook about it.
- What are you going to say, then? - I think Green Tomatoes have got it.
- And you're saying? - There were more hands up for true.
- I think we're going to go with true.
- You're saying it's true? Hee-hee! Right.
Ken Livingstone, is it the truth or is it a lie? It's true.
APPLAUSE Yes.
It's completely true.
Ken was the first person in the world to breed the Congolese frog, hymenochirus curtipes.
LAUGHTER Ken, perhaps if you'd concentrated a bit harder on your transport policy instead of Kermit, you'd still be in power.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Our next round is called the Ring Of Truth.
I read out celebrity facts and all our teams have to do is decide if they're true or not.
What could be simpler? David's team, look at this clip of someone we can all look up to.
Years ago, a Brylcreemed head looking like patent leather was just the thing for the trendy young man.
1955, Saturday night, off to Tottenham Royal.
So it was crash, bass, sausage and mash, two kippers and a bonbon, a little dab'll do ya.
Really so, on the barnet.
And then the combination was, Old Spice on the German, little bit of Old Spice Tiddly winky woo, with the Brylcreem, bee's knees.
APPLAUSE You know what? I wouldn't mind giving him a punchy wunch in the boat race.
Here's the related fact, then, for David's team.
Is this possible, David's team? Why would you need a Cockney version of the Bible? It was to make the Bible more accessible to the man on the street.
Sun blushed tomat-a Stigmata.
LAUGHTER George Carey endorsed it in 2001.
The feeding of the 5,000 becomes Jesus feeding 5,000 geezers from five loaves of Uncle Ned and two Lillian Gish.
LAUGHTER "Jesus heals a deaf and dumb man" is translated as, "Jesus heals a mutton Jeff geezer who couldn't rabbit, either.
" LAUGHTER Please, let this be true! - Again, it would be great if that was true.
- Wouldn't it? I'd buy one of those.
You'd think we'd have heard about it though, wouldn't you? Chas and Dave would have done a CD.
LAUGHTER Why is that clever, rhyming slang? Why is that good? You're using language to make it unclear.
Say what you mean! It was to stop the police knowing what you were talking about.
People shouldn't stop the police knowing what they're talking about! - What are you going to say? - I'd like to believe it, but I think it's a lie.
- It has to be a lie, doesn't it? - OK, we'll say lie.
You're saying lie? It is True.
APPLAUSE Yes, amazingly, it's true.
I have the book here.
We don't Adam and Eve it! LAUGHTER Let me read a bit to you.
The Lord's Prayer.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA - I'm going to hate this, aren't I? - Yes, you are.
I'll just brace myself.
- "Hello, Dad.
" - Oh, God.
LAUGHTER No, no, no - "Dad.
" "Hello, Dad, up there in good ol' heaven.
"Your name is well great and holy, and we respect you, guv.
LAUGHTER "We hope we can all have a butcher's at heaven, "and be there as soon as possible.
"And we wanna make you happy, guv.
" It is true.
When the book came out, it was a massive hit, which is also Cockney rhyming slang.
LAUGHTER Which means at the end of that round, it's David with three points and Lee with two points.
LAUGHTER Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest, who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Or, more embarrassingly, is someone from the Child Support Agency looking for Lee.
This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest and it's up to Lee's team to spot the truth.
So please welcome this week's special guest, Gordon.
APPLAUSE So, Stephen, what is Gordon to you? Er, well, this is Gordon.
Er, Gordon and I were in a prog-rock band called Aragon, and we recorded an album called The Wizard's Dream.
TITTERS - David, perhaps you'd like to explain the connection.
- Yes, this is Gordon.
He works in my local pet shop, and recently sold me a hamster that died the very next day.
Finally, Fern, explain your relationship with Gordon.
This is Gordon.
He's the subject of my life-drawing class and I have - painted him naked three times.
- There we are then, pretty straightforward.
A former prog-rocker, a purveyor of poorly pets, or a nude model.
- Lee's team, where would you like to start? - What did the hamster die of? What did the hamster die of? I don't really know, actually, - I think it was - I think we all know, David.
LAUGHTER You didn't take it back and ask for your money back, or ask for an explanation about why it died? You just brought the man who sold you the dead hamster on the show.
LAUGHTER Who was the hamster for? It was for the godson of some friends of mine.
No, no - rather, my godson, who is the son of some friends of mine.
- Can I ask, are you close? - It was for God's son.
LAUGHTER For his birthday, I bought him a hamster, and he came down the next morning LAUGHTER and the hamster was no longer alive.
- OK.
Stephen.
- Hello.
- Could you remind us again of the name of the band? - Aragon.
OK.
And what was the album? - The Wizard's Dream.
- Can you name some of your songs on the album? - Yep.
- In fact, I've changed the question - name them all, without stopping for breath.
There was The Dragon, which was 15 minutes long.
Er, Reflections Of The Reaper.
- Fool By The Fire.
There were four songs, that's three - Four songs on an album? - Yeah.
Well, one was 15 minutes long - Which year was this? - This was the early '90s, 1986.
LAUGHTER - How many band members were there? - There were four at that point.
- We started with - Could you name the other members? - Yes.
- Do it.
Right.
I see where you're going.
- Charlie Dilks.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER Good old Charlie.
And Angus Ford-Robertson.
And, Fern Now, you take sketches of this man here? So, what - you build up from fruit, to flowers, to his testicles, or? LAUGHTER We started on a ladder and a bit of fabric and the paint brushes and things, then we moved on to eventually Gordon and he was there for three sessions.
OK.
Now, let me ask you this, when did you do this course? - Two years ago, I started.
And I still do them.
- You still do them? Now, you get up and rush off to the studio, you've got four kids and you have whatever extra things you do, and then you have time to go and paint men you don't know.
- Well, it's only 7 o'clock to half-past eight.
- Really? Really? - You're a very energetic woman, Fern, to do all that.
- Thank you.
Don't say "thank you.
" It's not a compliment, it's an accusation.
So, Lee's team, is Gordon Stephen's ex-bandmate, David's hamster vendor, or Fern's nude model? - OK, what do you think, Reginald? - I don't think Fern has time.
I don't believe you would ever try to handle a hamster, living or dead.
LAUGHTER And I think it's you, because you and this cat here - Gordon, y'all got the same eyebrows.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - And, Ken, you're going with Stephen as well? - Yeah, yeah.
So it's Stephen? - Let's go with Stephen.
- OK.
Gordon, would you like to reveal your true identity? My name is Gordon and I was a guitarist in a progressive-rock band called Aragon with Stephen, and we did record The Wizard's Dream.
APPLAUSE Thank you very much for coming along tonight.
Cheers.
Gordon.
APPLAUSE Yes, the story was true.
Gordon was Stephen's bandmate.
And if you fancy listening to Wizard's Dream, simply log on to iTunes - there's literally tens of thousands of much better albums available right there.
LAUGHTER So, at the end of that round, David's team have three points, Lee's team have three points.
APPLAUSE Which brings us to our final round, called Quickfire Lies, in which our panellists lie not only through their teeth, but against the clock.
Again, they don't know whether they're about to read a true fact, or a lie that we've made up and they've never seen before.
So we will start withLee.
"Last year, I was ordered to leave Blackpool Tower, "after I threw a sausage roll off the top.
" - How were you discovered? Did someone see you? - Security was at the top.
And they saw you? Why did you throw it? Well, because I'm Northern and I just thought, the bin's over - The bin was not in sight.
- Why didn't you finish it? Because actually, I'd already had one.
This was my second.
I was halfway through it and I thought, "No more for me.
" Were they hot sausage rolls? If you want, I'll give you the accurate heat of how they were.
This hot HE PANTS SCATTERED APPLAUSE Why did you throw it off the top? You're there, security's there, it's a horrible thing to do How fast is a hot, or even quite hot, sausage roll gonna be moving by the time it hits No, you're wrong, David.
It wasn't quite hot .
.
some poor, morbidly-obese child down on the promenade, having a miserable time on holiday in Blackpool, of all places? And he's just heard about the divorce of his parents, consoling himself with another load of high-sugar snacks, and the next thing he knows, a warm-ish sausage roll hits him slap in the face! LAUGHTER - He may be trying to eat the second sausage roll! LAUGHTER David, let's have a guess.
- Fern? - I don't think - I don't - I don't think he would.
- I think it's a lie.
- I think we think this is a lie.
- Yes.
- You're all agreed? - Yes.
- It's a lie? - It's a lie.
- OK.
Lee, is it the truth, or is it a lie? It's actually a lie.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's a lie.
Lee was not ordered to leave the Blackpool Tower after throwing a sausage roll off the top.
As if anyone from the North would waste something wrapped in pastry.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And nextit's David.
"As a child, at my grandparents' house, I had a little bell that I "would ring if I wanted anything.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Lee.
- Why did you have a bell? Well, there was a bell, it was a pre-existent bell.
There was a bell in the house and I liked it.
- Only at the grandparents' house? - Yes.
- Not at home? - No.
Cos your parents didn't play that shit, yeah? At home, you just sort of went LAUGHTER - So how old would you be? - About six.
What were the things you wanted when you rang the bell? More chips.
Er, a glass of orange squash.
A sense of purpose in life.
Was it both grandmother and grandfather that would come and wait on you hand and foot, or was it just one or the other? Er, I was a small child.
I was indulged to a certain extent.
But then also, to a certain extent, there was, "Can you actually just stop ringing the bell now?" - "OK.
" - So, Lee's team, what do you think? Parents could easily have had a bell and the little brat could have just I liked the bell! I liked ringing the bell.
He liked ringing the bell, is it true or is it a lie? Reginald Delicious Hunter? Um Well, Sausage Roll, I believe that I believe that there's a simplicity to the story that rings true.
- I'll go with that.
- Go on.
We'll say that's true.
You're saying it's true.
David, is it true or is it a lie? Well, it is in fact true.
APPLAUSE Yes.
Yes, it's true.
As a child, David's grandparents' house did have a little bell that he would ring if he wanted anything.
Ding-a-ling "Er, could I have a posher upbringing, please?" LAUGHTER - He, erm - That's a remarkable impression, because it has the advantage of also sounding quite a lot like Ken Livingstone.
I know.
You're absolutely right.
As I did it, I thought, "This isn't the best David I've ever done.
" If it was going to be one of the good David Mitchells, it would be more like this.
"I don't know why anybody would think I would do that.
Why would they think that? "And I'll tell you another thing" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And next - Fern.
- Ooh.
"Possession.
" - Ah, now, you have a box under the desk we'd like you to get out.
That's it.
Open it up.
"This is my tea-cosy.
"I take it absolutely everywhere with me, because I can't stand a cold teapot.
" For no reason at all, David, could you just put it on your head? Yeah, all right.
LAUGHTER - Right, now get a big stick - It's George Carey! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I feel quite important.
Can I have a little bell? If you take it everywhere, why isn't it more grubby? Ooh, is it grubby? LAUGHTER - How hot do you like your tea? How hot? - I don't like it when you go like this, "Ugh!" The tongue's all burnt and then the rest of the day, you can't taste anything.
- I understand the language of the miming burn.
- This is the Lee Mack scale, all right? Yeah.
The rest of humanity uses numbers, you know, temperature.
- You use mime.
- Cos that would make sense.
"Is your tea all right?" "Yes, it's a number seven.
Maybe a six, I'm not sure.
" So genuinely, the idea of numbers denoting temperature is new to you? - Yes.
- You think that's ridiculous? - Yes, it is.
- Temperature is measured in units.
- But you don't say it's a seven, do you? I'm talking to the lady, not the nutter! You don't want Who would want a seven, anyway? A cup of tea A seven?! That's horrendously cold.
LAUGHTER In whichever scale.
If it's Centigrade, it's too cold.
If it's Fahrenheit, it's solid! So, Lee, we need a guess, please.
- What d'you think? - Come on.
Come on, man, come on.
- Could you be equally cool? - I think it's a lie.
OK, so that's a lie.
You're saying it's a lie? Fern, is it true or is it a lie? - It's true.
- Oh! Why do you do that? APPLAUSE Yes, it's true.
That is Fern's tea-cosy and she takes it everywhere because she can't stand a cold teapot.
That is Showbiz really is rock and roll, isn't it? It's stashed full of skunk.
LAUGHTER - BUZZER - Oh, that noise signals time's up.
It's the end of the show.
I can reveal that tonight's score is a draw.
David's team have five and Lee's team have five.
APPLAUSE Of course Of course, it's not just a team game, and my individual Liar of the Week this week is Fern Britton.
APPLAUSE Yes.
Fern Britton, whose gigantic whoppers were as beautifully showcased tonight as they were on her 2003 pilates video.
Good night.