Would I Lie To You? (2007) s12e06 Episode Script
Daisy May Cooper, Diane Morgan, Richard Osman, Rory Reid
Good evening.
Welcome to Would I Lie To You? The show with unvarnished truths and highly polished lies.
On David Mitchell's team tonight, a man whose list of TV credits is almost as long as his inside leg measurement.
It's Richard Osman.
APPLAUSE And an actress who once had a job peeling potatoes in a chip shop in Bolton.
But she had a dream, and one day it came true - they let her batter the fish.
It's Diane Morgan! And on Lee Mack's team tonight, the star of This Country who once worked as a barmaid in a pub.
Which explains why I haven't been able to get her attention all evening.
It's Daisy May Cooper.
APPLAUSE And a TV star who appears alongside Matt LeBlanc.
Now, to be honest, I was hoping this intro would end with the words Courteney Cox.
It's Top Gear's Rory Reid! We begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Richard, you're first up.
Instead of rock, paper, scissors, I prefer to play my own version of the game, which is worm, pigeon, shot gun.
- Lee's team.
- Right What beats what? Like, what is superior to what? It's pretty obvious, isn't it? - What beats shotgun? - Pigeon eat Worm.
How does a worm beat a shotgun? By crawling into the barrel.
I mean, how do you think? What's the hand actions? Well, shotgun Easy.
Worm And HE COOS - OK, let's have a little game, me v you.
- OK.
Just before we start this very competitive bout, tell us, what tops what? It's quite simple.
Pigeon eats worm The shotgun eats the pigeon - No, it doesn't eat the pigeon! - It doesn't eat the pigeon.
The pigeon shoots the worm with the shotgun.
This is so much You're deliberately trying to make this complicated.
- I just want the truth.
- No, he's genuinely stupid! - I just want to get to the bottom of this.
- OK.
Don't think of me as Rob Brydon, think of me as Robert Mueller.
I will not rest until I find out what's happening.
Hold on, that makes me Trump.
Yes, it does.
I don't like the thought of that.
You're a lot smaller, though, so you're Muller Light.
LAUGHTER Thank you.
So, you know the rules.
It's going to be the best of three.
I've got my own technique, by the way.
I'm not going to use my hands.
Now you've been warned about this.
I think you know which one I'm going to do, don't you? I'm not going to be big headed.
It's not a shotgun.
It's not even a worm, is it? Let's be honest.
- All right, here we go, get ready.
- OK.
One, two, three.
I'll tell you what, we all thought it was ridiculous, we're all into it now, aren't we? - Are you ready? - Yeah.
One, two, three.
Worm Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
OK, let's play.
Richard needs just one win.
He'll have victory.
- Yes.
- If Lee - Yeah, I think they're following it.
It's a shame we won't now have time to play Would I Lie To You? LAUGHTER Here we go.
Come on.
OK, one, two, three.
Shotgun! Oh! He's got you! It's a convincing win for Richard "the big man" Osman.
So, what do we think? - I think it's plausible.
I'm going to go true.
- I think - I thought it was a lie until we played it.
- Yeah.
- And when we played it, I thought, "Padding out, this.
" - Yeah.
OK, you're saying it's true? Richard, is it true or is it a lie? It is .
.
a lie.
APPLAUSE Rory, you're next.
OK.
I am in an ongoing feud with a cat who walked 100 miles to torment me.
David's team.
Whose is the cat? It doesn't belong to anyone, it's It's feral.
The cat is essentially a criminal, in my eyes.
He attacks my cats.
He breaks into my house.
He breaks How do you mean breaks into your house? Is anyone going to do the cat burglar joke or are we letting it go? I don't mind, I'll hand it over if anyone wants it.
Anyone want it? When you say breaks into your house, do you mean Yeah, he's a cat burglar.
Delete the first bit, yeah.
Yeah, how does it get in? First of all, he just walked in through the cat flap, - because I have my own cats.
- Right, that's not breaking in.
You cannot blame a cat for walking through a cat flap.
I now have a more advanced cat flap which doesn't quite stop him 100% of the time.
What is the new cat flap's technique? - Is it a chip cat flap? - Yes.
- So you've chipped your two cats? - Yeah.
- With a chip cat flap? - Yeah.
But the feral cat sometimes hacks in? Are you Dr Seuss?! What he does is the batteries in the cat flap only last six weeks.
So he systematically tests the cat flap to see when the batteries have been exhausted and then, when they run out, it releases completely and then he can gain access.
Does he sit on the outside looking at other cats going, "I can wait.
" So what does the cat do once it gains access? He basically He beats up my cats.
He eats their food and then he sleeps in their bed.
No It's like a violent Goldilocks.
LAUGHTER And what about this 100 You said 100 miles.
Yes, I did.
Talk a little bit more about that.
I called the RSPCA to get rid of this cat.
They refused to come out, but they did supply me with a trap.
I trapped it, caught it, took it to the local vet.
They then said, "We'll release it.
" I said, you can't release it near my house, - because it'll just come right back.
- Right.
And that's when they said, "Yeah, we'll get the RSPCA to take "it to a cat sanctuary 100 miles away.
" Up in the sky.
I don't think the RSPCA would allow that.
Wouldn't allow it to be taken away to a cat sanctuary? Taken away from its family, friends It doesn't have a family.
That's the point.
It's not its family.
Would you leave How do you know it's not got a family? - See - you don't.
- I do.
You don't.
If it does have a family, it doesn't like them very much, because it lives with me.
They could be worried sick.
So, the vet says the RSPCA will take this 100 miles - 100 miles away?! - Yeah.
To a sanctuary.
Yeah, give or take.
What happens then? Well, I have probably six weeks of bliss of no feral cat interfering with my cats.
Then what happened? I was quite sad that Mark Dennis was no longer around.
- Who? - Mark Dennis.
- Who is Mark Dennis? - Mark Dennis is the cat.
- And why Mark Dennis? - So bad you named him twice? Because the cat was a black cat.
He was a dark menace, but I didn't want to, you know, paint him with that brush, so I decided to soften it a little bit and call him Mark Dennis.
And then what happened? He found his way back.
From 100 miles away?! Do you know for a fact they took him 100 miles away? They might That sounded unlikely.
I believe them, though, because they I kept in touch with them.
I was worried about the cat because when I had taken it in, the last few times when it had burgled my house, it had It had a slight infection in its lungs.
And it would snore loudly at night like a fully grown man would snore.
Can you hear it snoring in the garden? In my No, in my kitchen.
- So he would break into the kitchen? - Yeah.
Beat up your cats, eat all the food and then have a really loud sleep? LAUGHTER When you put it like that, it sounds ridiculous.
So, describe, if you can, the moment when Mark Dennis returned.
- Because it must have been quite dramatic.
- And noisy.
Sorry, you're taking me back.
Again, it was the snoring.
I thought, it can't be Mark Dennis, because he's 100 miles away.
I went down and then he did the usual thing He ran for the cat flap and ran into the garden.
Diane, what are you thinking? Well, at first, I didn't believe when he said the RSPCA drove it 100 miles.
But then he's naming it and it's got a lung infection.
Yeah, the name is the I mean, it's a good name to come up with, Mark Dennis, dark menace.
- I think it's true.
- I think it's true as well.
So you're going to say true? So we're going to say true.
OK Rory, was it true, or was it a lie? Well it wasvery true.
APPLAUSE Our next round is called This Is My Where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Now this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest.
And it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Jamie.
APPLAUSE So, Rory, who is Jamie to you? This is Jamie, and after a mix-up in a tattoo parlour, we now have each other's tattoo.
Daisy, how do you know Jamie? This is my ex-boyfriend Jamie, and I used to put sleeping pills in my parents' tea so that I could sneak him into the house.
And finally, Lee, what is your relationship with Jamie? This is Jamie.
Whilst staying at an Airbnb, I mistook him for an intruder and attacked him with a whisk.
LAUGHTER So, there we have it.
David's team, where would you like to begin? Daisy, when did you go out with Jamie? When I was about 14, 15.
Where did you get the sleeping pills? My mother had them to get to sleep.
What was the drug? It was just regular kind of Nytol sleeping pills.
- I don't know Over the counter? - Over the counter ones, yeah.
But they weren't prescription, - they weren't some like hard-core thing from a doctor? - No.
So you were literally, you were trying to get them - just to nod off a little bit earlier than they would have done? - Yes.
What sort of time would you administer the dose? So I would administer, especially when they were watching Inspector Morse, so I'd say, "Can I make you a cup of tea?" They'd say, "Yes, please.
" And I'd be in the kitchen, putting them in the How many times did you do this? How often did you do this as a tactic? I think for the duration of our relationship.
- Which was? - About a year.
What was it about Jamie that was so unacceptable to your waking parents? Because he was a very angry goth.
And he didn't treat me very well.
See, I wasn't necessarily assuming that your parents didn't approve of the relationship, just that they didn't approve of you - the thought of you holding hands with him.
- No.
Did you think you were coming on Jeremy Kyle? So, you've drugged your parents.
What happens next? Then they go to sleep.
- What, in the chair? - No, they say And you say, "Come on, in you come, my lover, "don't worry about them, they're out for the count.
" They say, "Strangely, this episode of Inspector Morse "doesn't seem as gripping as normal!" Let's get an early night.
Who cares who did it?! They'd get very tired watching the show, They'd pootle off up to bed.
At this point, he's finished work at the Chinese restaurant, so I sneak him round the back round the back gate.
And because he's a goth, he's very well camouflaged in the dark.
Then mum goes to bed and we just listen to Iron Maiden very quietly and write goth poetry together.
I've never heard that euphemism, but OK, and this happened for about a year? And were your parents unaware of the relationship altogether? No, because they woke up once.
You went and got the chloroform and the hanky.
LAUGHTER So they woke up and my mum walks into the room to find some black goth hair on my pillow, and says, "Paul," which is my dad, "get down here now, Daisy's smuggled in Jamie! "Kick him out of the house and say something responsible.
" So, my dad said, "Get out my house, you pillock.
" OK, now then, what about Rory? OK, so, Rory.
What was going to be your tattoo? And what tattoo did you end up with? I wanted a tattoo of a crescent moon, quite classy.
Easy Instead, I got a picture of Popeye's face.
LAUGHTER And where? Just there on my left shoulder blade.
- Have you still got it? - Yes.
And how did the mix-up occur? We were on holiday in Thailand together, bit of a lads' booze up.
One thing led to another, and we all got a bit merry, shall we say.
And I don't think it was Jamie's idea I think it was probably Sam, my other friend, who said, - "Let's all get tattoos.
" - Yeah, that sounds like Sam.
- It's a very Sam thing to do.
- Yeah.
- When was this, Rory? - Late 2000s.
- The late 2000s? - Sorry, sorry, early 2000s, my bad.
The early 2000s? It's similar to the time Well, the late 2000s would be nearly 1000 years from now.
A long time in the future.
- So, you're in Thailand - Yeah.
Talk us through the tattoo parlour, where was it situated? Koh Phangan.
So, you fly in, you get to Bangkok, and then I think If you're lucky.
And then And then you travel to Koh Phangan and there's this little parlour and they're used to tourists coming in all the time and they have multiple beds, if I remember correctly.
Classy.
Not that kind of establishment.
- And then you choose out of a book what you want.
- Yeah.
It's like an order book.
And then you kind of go, "I'll have the number four.
" - Jamie wanted the number five or whatever it was.
- With rice, or.
.
? Not that kind of establishment.
And then they So it's neither a restaurant nor a brothel? The kind of establishment it is, is a tattoo parlour with beds and a low standard of administrative competence.
You'd have gone down a storm on this stag weekend, David.
Rory, how long was it before you realised the mistake? Immediately.
Yeah, you stand up, there's a mirror there, you go like that And there wasn't the picture of a classy crescent moon, there was a picture of Popeye's face, with the pipe and everything.
Who was more upset by this outcome? You or Jamie? - Me, by far.
- Right.
- Absolutely.
He's now got a classy crescent moon on his back I've got Popeye.
Are you not following this? OK, now then, what about Lee? Remind us, Lee, of your claim.
So this is Jamie and, whilst staying in an Airbnb, I mistook him for an intruder and I attacked him with a whisk.
OK, and where was the Airbnb? The Airbnb was in Rye.
And why were you staying in an Airbnb in Rye? Because I like to get away from my family full stop.
I like to go away and write, and just get some peace and quiet, so I go away for two or three days, occasionally, very occasionally.
- Why did you choose.
.
? - Get married in the first place? I don't know.
I've asked myself every day the same question.
Why did you choose a whisk over a knife? As you may know, that a lot of people that are attacked in their home are often attacked with their own weapons, because what they do is they take a weapon, like a hammer, and they go, "Get of my house," and then the burglar panics and then he grabs the hammer and a fight ensues, and then the person ends up getting injured.
So when I opened the drawer, I had to make a selection.
And I couldn't go knife, for the reasons I've just explained.
I looked at the big rolling pin, I could get attacked with that.
But you can't go the other way either, you can't pick up the Mr Men jelly mould.
And I had to find out what was the perfect middle ground between It looks aggressive and offensive, but I think it'll be all right if he tries hit me with it.
What's the most he's going to do? Mess my hair up? And you wouldn't want a knife, you wouldn't want to kill him.
If you have a whisk, you could just beat him.
LAUGHTER Rob You beat with a fork.
You whisk with a whisk.
The applause begs to differ.
Let's set the scene.
Paint a more vivid picture for us.
- It was daytime.
- It was daytime?! - Yeah.
I mistook him for an intruder, because I I subsequently found out that on the e-mail that was sent by the person who owned the house, they said, "Oh, by the way, someone's coming, whenever it was, Saturday afternoon, "to have a look at the wood-burning stove, I hope that's OK, "they'll only be 20 minutes or whatever.
" So I was asleep and it was about midday, something like that.
And I hear a noise downstairs.
And then he starts playing around with the wood-burning stove - Oh, no.
- And And I get worried.
I think someone's down there.
Because the noises are IMITATES THUDDING AND SCRAPING I'm sorry? Well, you are Welsh, are you asking me the time? LAUGHTER And so I go downstairs and I see I see this figure, I panic, and I was going to say, "Get out, or else!" I don't know what I was thinking.
- I just ran at him - "I'll whip you to a soft peak!" I definitely didn't say that to him.
No.
Never say that to a strange man in your house, David.
And I whacked him on the back really hard, just kept whacking him and whacking him.
You hadn't previously challenged him or asked him why he was there? You just went straight in and battered him with a hand whisk? - I just panicked and I attacked him.
- You're just straight in - Of course! - Went to the kitchen, got a hand Batter, batter, batter.
No, there was no batter involved.
We need an answer.
So, David's team, is Jamie Rory's branded buddy? Daisy's smuggled sweetheart? Or Lee's innocent intruder? What do you think, Diane? Well, I'm not sure about Nytol.
I don't think it's that strong.
- So, I think Daisy's lying.
- Yeah.
How old do you have to be to know about Popeye? - Oh, that's interesting.
- Cos I think - Why would he pick - It doesn't ring true.
- OK.
You know that if it's not Daisy and not Rory, that means it's Lee.
LAUGHTER That's right.
Can't be Lee.
- So, what's it going to be, David? - I think it's Daisy.
You think it's Daisy? I could be persuaded that it's Daisy.
- We'll go with Daisy.
- You're going to say Daisy? - Yeah.
Jamie, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Jamie, and I used to sneak into Daisy's house.
APPLAUSE Well done, guys.
Yes, Jamie is Daisy's smuggled sweetheart.
Of course, this is not something you should ever do, putting sleeping pills in someone's tea.
Thank you very much, Jamie.
Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies.
And we start with It's Lee.
Ha-ha! I was genuinely invited to Harry and Meghan's wedding today, but I said no, because I had to come here and do this.
David's team.
Why were you invited? Well, that, David, is as much of a shock to me as it is to you.
I'm on the telly.
Do you know, for example, Prince Harry? - Or Meghan Markle? - Well I've met Prince Harry and he was very nice and he did say that he was a fan of this show.
So he's definitely seen me, because I'm on this show.
If this is true, it's a bit of a blow to me - and Rob, because - Well, this is Well, I wasn't invited.
Maybe Rob was as well I really can't say.
I think we know if Rob was invited, he would be able to say.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, this is interesting, because I want to know if you were invited, because as soon as I got the invite, I've met Prince Harry and I know he's a fan of the show so I immediately assumed that you two had been invited as well.
So I went to phone you, and I phoned you first and I put the phone down.
Because I didn't want to ask in case you hadn't been invited.
I thought it wouldn't be a good idea - It would be a horrible thing to let slip, wouldn't it? - Yes.
It would be a horrible thing to do to someone under any circumstances, even if it wasn't in public.
So you think he's going, "OK, George Clooney, David Beckham, "Oprah Winfrey, Lee.
" They didn't even know my surname! I should point out to people watching at home that it is the Royal Wedding day today.
As we record this, it happened today, didn't it? And it was a lovely wedding as well.
It brought people together, didn't it? And you know what I'm glad about? I'm glad he wasn't there.
Yes.
That would have spoiled it for me.
Oh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Did it come through the post? It went through my agent.
So it's more like a booking.
Were they expecting you to do some of your silly humour or something? - Did you have a plus one as well? - Yes, I did.
And so your wife was happy for you to come and do this instead of going to the Royal Wedding? Well, actually, my wife My wife couldn't go anyway.
So that was the other problem as well.
And then I thought, well, "Who would I take?" And I did actually think of one of you two, and I thought, "That's going to be more awkward.
" So But then I thought, "Maybe it's not awkward if David's "been invited," as I suspected, "and Rob hasn't.
I'll take Rob.
" Then we're all going.
There was a lot of social etiquette, I was all I was a mess.
That is the other question, why didn't Because the wedding finished - This is the irritating thing.
- .
.
at about one.
- Yes.
- And then there was a lunch.
I got the invite that said the wedding is going to be at 12 o'clock.
And I thought, in my head, no-one would say 12 o'clock meaning that's when the wedding is.
That would mean, you know, you turn up at 12 o'clock and then you go through all the rigmarole of security, blah-blah-blah.
And, actually, the wedding will be at about two.
Then you've got the actual ceremony, then you've got the meal, I wasn't going to get here It's like when you buy theatre tickets, the time is just when they think you should leave home.
Lads, I appreciate you're angry.
- Yeah.
Very angry.
- I did I don't I didn't write the invites.
Very angry and very hurt and very bruised, whether this is true or not.
That's the terrible thing, because my thought processes have gone down the lines of it being true, and it feels like I've been through it emotionally, even if I haven't.
- OK, time to decide.
- OK, well I mean, I think it's I'd love it to be true, but I think it's unlikely.
- I wouldn't.
- This has been This has been one of the most psychologically damaging thought experiments I've ever gone through.
And, so, I couldn't I don't think I could pronounce the words "I think this is true.
" Oh, I just did You think it's true? - Are we going to say lie? - I think lie.
Lie, we're going to say lie.
I've a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that it's true.
It's like waiting with a specialist for a result.
Yeah.
Ironically, if this is true, when that moment comes for both of us, it'll just be a mercy.
APPLAUSE So, Lee, tell us.
They think it's a lie.
I pray it's a lie.
It is in fact true.
AUDIENCE GASPS Terrible.
Well, I hope that's the last question of the evening.
- How did you keep that a secret? - Thank you for watching - That's it.
- I mean, thank you for watching.
Oh, actually, there's something else as well.
Sorry, I've got to tell you this as well, which is quite important.
This is a true story as well.
I was lying.
GASPING AND APPLAUSE Look at the smile on his little face! Look at the little happy face! You're OK, it's all right, all right.
Yes, praise be, it was a lie! Of course it was a lie.
Lee wasn't invited, of course he wasn't, to Harry and Meghan's wedding.
Do you know what I think? I think the producers of this show are just trying to turn us against each other.
They're doing a good job! BUZZER And that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
I can reveal David's team has won by four points to nil.
CHEERING Thank you for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.
Welcome to Would I Lie To You? The show with unvarnished truths and highly polished lies.
On David Mitchell's team tonight, a man whose list of TV credits is almost as long as his inside leg measurement.
It's Richard Osman.
APPLAUSE And an actress who once had a job peeling potatoes in a chip shop in Bolton.
But she had a dream, and one day it came true - they let her batter the fish.
It's Diane Morgan! And on Lee Mack's team tonight, the star of This Country who once worked as a barmaid in a pub.
Which explains why I haven't been able to get her attention all evening.
It's Daisy May Cooper.
APPLAUSE And a TV star who appears alongside Matt LeBlanc.
Now, to be honest, I was hoping this intro would end with the words Courteney Cox.
It's Top Gear's Rory Reid! We begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Richard, you're first up.
Instead of rock, paper, scissors, I prefer to play my own version of the game, which is worm, pigeon, shot gun.
- Lee's team.
- Right What beats what? Like, what is superior to what? It's pretty obvious, isn't it? - What beats shotgun? - Pigeon eat Worm.
How does a worm beat a shotgun? By crawling into the barrel.
I mean, how do you think? What's the hand actions? Well, shotgun Easy.
Worm And HE COOS - OK, let's have a little game, me v you.
- OK.
Just before we start this very competitive bout, tell us, what tops what? It's quite simple.
Pigeon eats worm The shotgun eats the pigeon - No, it doesn't eat the pigeon! - It doesn't eat the pigeon.
The pigeon shoots the worm with the shotgun.
This is so much You're deliberately trying to make this complicated.
- I just want the truth.
- No, he's genuinely stupid! - I just want to get to the bottom of this.
- OK.
Don't think of me as Rob Brydon, think of me as Robert Mueller.
I will not rest until I find out what's happening.
Hold on, that makes me Trump.
Yes, it does.
I don't like the thought of that.
You're a lot smaller, though, so you're Muller Light.
LAUGHTER Thank you.
So, you know the rules.
It's going to be the best of three.
I've got my own technique, by the way.
I'm not going to use my hands.
Now you've been warned about this.
I think you know which one I'm going to do, don't you? I'm not going to be big headed.
It's not a shotgun.
It's not even a worm, is it? Let's be honest.
- All right, here we go, get ready.
- OK.
One, two, three.
I'll tell you what, we all thought it was ridiculous, we're all into it now, aren't we? - Are you ready? - Yeah.
One, two, three.
Worm Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
OK, let's play.
Richard needs just one win.
He'll have victory.
- Yes.
- If Lee - Yeah, I think they're following it.
It's a shame we won't now have time to play Would I Lie To You? LAUGHTER Here we go.
Come on.
OK, one, two, three.
Shotgun! Oh! He's got you! It's a convincing win for Richard "the big man" Osman.
So, what do we think? - I think it's plausible.
I'm going to go true.
- I think - I thought it was a lie until we played it.
- Yeah.
- And when we played it, I thought, "Padding out, this.
" - Yeah.
OK, you're saying it's true? Richard, is it true or is it a lie? It is .
.
a lie.
APPLAUSE Rory, you're next.
OK.
I am in an ongoing feud with a cat who walked 100 miles to torment me.
David's team.
Whose is the cat? It doesn't belong to anyone, it's It's feral.
The cat is essentially a criminal, in my eyes.
He attacks my cats.
He breaks into my house.
He breaks How do you mean breaks into your house? Is anyone going to do the cat burglar joke or are we letting it go? I don't mind, I'll hand it over if anyone wants it.
Anyone want it? When you say breaks into your house, do you mean Yeah, he's a cat burglar.
Delete the first bit, yeah.
Yeah, how does it get in? First of all, he just walked in through the cat flap, - because I have my own cats.
- Right, that's not breaking in.
You cannot blame a cat for walking through a cat flap.
I now have a more advanced cat flap which doesn't quite stop him 100% of the time.
What is the new cat flap's technique? - Is it a chip cat flap? - Yes.
- So you've chipped your two cats? - Yeah.
- With a chip cat flap? - Yeah.
But the feral cat sometimes hacks in? Are you Dr Seuss?! What he does is the batteries in the cat flap only last six weeks.
So he systematically tests the cat flap to see when the batteries have been exhausted and then, when they run out, it releases completely and then he can gain access.
Does he sit on the outside looking at other cats going, "I can wait.
" So what does the cat do once it gains access? He basically He beats up my cats.
He eats their food and then he sleeps in their bed.
No It's like a violent Goldilocks.
LAUGHTER And what about this 100 You said 100 miles.
Yes, I did.
Talk a little bit more about that.
I called the RSPCA to get rid of this cat.
They refused to come out, but they did supply me with a trap.
I trapped it, caught it, took it to the local vet.
They then said, "We'll release it.
" I said, you can't release it near my house, - because it'll just come right back.
- Right.
And that's when they said, "Yeah, we'll get the RSPCA to take "it to a cat sanctuary 100 miles away.
" Up in the sky.
I don't think the RSPCA would allow that.
Wouldn't allow it to be taken away to a cat sanctuary? Taken away from its family, friends It doesn't have a family.
That's the point.
It's not its family.
Would you leave How do you know it's not got a family? - See - you don't.
- I do.
You don't.
If it does have a family, it doesn't like them very much, because it lives with me.
They could be worried sick.
So, the vet says the RSPCA will take this 100 miles - 100 miles away?! - Yeah.
To a sanctuary.
Yeah, give or take.
What happens then? Well, I have probably six weeks of bliss of no feral cat interfering with my cats.
Then what happened? I was quite sad that Mark Dennis was no longer around.
- Who? - Mark Dennis.
- Who is Mark Dennis? - Mark Dennis is the cat.
- And why Mark Dennis? - So bad you named him twice? Because the cat was a black cat.
He was a dark menace, but I didn't want to, you know, paint him with that brush, so I decided to soften it a little bit and call him Mark Dennis.
And then what happened? He found his way back.
From 100 miles away?! Do you know for a fact they took him 100 miles away? They might That sounded unlikely.
I believe them, though, because they I kept in touch with them.
I was worried about the cat because when I had taken it in, the last few times when it had burgled my house, it had It had a slight infection in its lungs.
And it would snore loudly at night like a fully grown man would snore.
Can you hear it snoring in the garden? In my No, in my kitchen.
- So he would break into the kitchen? - Yeah.
Beat up your cats, eat all the food and then have a really loud sleep? LAUGHTER When you put it like that, it sounds ridiculous.
So, describe, if you can, the moment when Mark Dennis returned.
- Because it must have been quite dramatic.
- And noisy.
Sorry, you're taking me back.
Again, it was the snoring.
I thought, it can't be Mark Dennis, because he's 100 miles away.
I went down and then he did the usual thing He ran for the cat flap and ran into the garden.
Diane, what are you thinking? Well, at first, I didn't believe when he said the RSPCA drove it 100 miles.
But then he's naming it and it's got a lung infection.
Yeah, the name is the I mean, it's a good name to come up with, Mark Dennis, dark menace.
- I think it's true.
- I think it's true as well.
So you're going to say true? So we're going to say true.
OK Rory, was it true, or was it a lie? Well it wasvery true.
APPLAUSE Our next round is called This Is My Where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Now this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest.
And it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Jamie.
APPLAUSE So, Rory, who is Jamie to you? This is Jamie, and after a mix-up in a tattoo parlour, we now have each other's tattoo.
Daisy, how do you know Jamie? This is my ex-boyfriend Jamie, and I used to put sleeping pills in my parents' tea so that I could sneak him into the house.
And finally, Lee, what is your relationship with Jamie? This is Jamie.
Whilst staying at an Airbnb, I mistook him for an intruder and attacked him with a whisk.
LAUGHTER So, there we have it.
David's team, where would you like to begin? Daisy, when did you go out with Jamie? When I was about 14, 15.
Where did you get the sleeping pills? My mother had them to get to sleep.
What was the drug? It was just regular kind of Nytol sleeping pills.
- I don't know Over the counter? - Over the counter ones, yeah.
But they weren't prescription, - they weren't some like hard-core thing from a doctor? - No.
So you were literally, you were trying to get them - just to nod off a little bit earlier than they would have done? - Yes.
What sort of time would you administer the dose? So I would administer, especially when they were watching Inspector Morse, so I'd say, "Can I make you a cup of tea?" They'd say, "Yes, please.
" And I'd be in the kitchen, putting them in the How many times did you do this? How often did you do this as a tactic? I think for the duration of our relationship.
- Which was? - About a year.
What was it about Jamie that was so unacceptable to your waking parents? Because he was a very angry goth.
And he didn't treat me very well.
See, I wasn't necessarily assuming that your parents didn't approve of the relationship, just that they didn't approve of you - the thought of you holding hands with him.
- No.
Did you think you were coming on Jeremy Kyle? So, you've drugged your parents.
What happens next? Then they go to sleep.
- What, in the chair? - No, they say And you say, "Come on, in you come, my lover, "don't worry about them, they're out for the count.
" They say, "Strangely, this episode of Inspector Morse "doesn't seem as gripping as normal!" Let's get an early night.
Who cares who did it?! They'd get very tired watching the show, They'd pootle off up to bed.
At this point, he's finished work at the Chinese restaurant, so I sneak him round the back round the back gate.
And because he's a goth, he's very well camouflaged in the dark.
Then mum goes to bed and we just listen to Iron Maiden very quietly and write goth poetry together.
I've never heard that euphemism, but OK, and this happened for about a year? And were your parents unaware of the relationship altogether? No, because they woke up once.
You went and got the chloroform and the hanky.
LAUGHTER So they woke up and my mum walks into the room to find some black goth hair on my pillow, and says, "Paul," which is my dad, "get down here now, Daisy's smuggled in Jamie! "Kick him out of the house and say something responsible.
" So, my dad said, "Get out my house, you pillock.
" OK, now then, what about Rory? OK, so, Rory.
What was going to be your tattoo? And what tattoo did you end up with? I wanted a tattoo of a crescent moon, quite classy.
Easy Instead, I got a picture of Popeye's face.
LAUGHTER And where? Just there on my left shoulder blade.
- Have you still got it? - Yes.
And how did the mix-up occur? We were on holiday in Thailand together, bit of a lads' booze up.
One thing led to another, and we all got a bit merry, shall we say.
And I don't think it was Jamie's idea I think it was probably Sam, my other friend, who said, - "Let's all get tattoos.
" - Yeah, that sounds like Sam.
- It's a very Sam thing to do.
- Yeah.
- When was this, Rory? - Late 2000s.
- The late 2000s? - Sorry, sorry, early 2000s, my bad.
The early 2000s? It's similar to the time Well, the late 2000s would be nearly 1000 years from now.
A long time in the future.
- So, you're in Thailand - Yeah.
Talk us through the tattoo parlour, where was it situated? Koh Phangan.
So, you fly in, you get to Bangkok, and then I think If you're lucky.
And then And then you travel to Koh Phangan and there's this little parlour and they're used to tourists coming in all the time and they have multiple beds, if I remember correctly.
Classy.
Not that kind of establishment.
- And then you choose out of a book what you want.
- Yeah.
It's like an order book.
And then you kind of go, "I'll have the number four.
" - Jamie wanted the number five or whatever it was.
- With rice, or.
.
? Not that kind of establishment.
And then they So it's neither a restaurant nor a brothel? The kind of establishment it is, is a tattoo parlour with beds and a low standard of administrative competence.
You'd have gone down a storm on this stag weekend, David.
Rory, how long was it before you realised the mistake? Immediately.
Yeah, you stand up, there's a mirror there, you go like that And there wasn't the picture of a classy crescent moon, there was a picture of Popeye's face, with the pipe and everything.
Who was more upset by this outcome? You or Jamie? - Me, by far.
- Right.
- Absolutely.
He's now got a classy crescent moon on his back I've got Popeye.
Are you not following this? OK, now then, what about Lee? Remind us, Lee, of your claim.
So this is Jamie and, whilst staying in an Airbnb, I mistook him for an intruder and I attacked him with a whisk.
OK, and where was the Airbnb? The Airbnb was in Rye.
And why were you staying in an Airbnb in Rye? Because I like to get away from my family full stop.
I like to go away and write, and just get some peace and quiet, so I go away for two or three days, occasionally, very occasionally.
- Why did you choose.
.
? - Get married in the first place? I don't know.
I've asked myself every day the same question.
Why did you choose a whisk over a knife? As you may know, that a lot of people that are attacked in their home are often attacked with their own weapons, because what they do is they take a weapon, like a hammer, and they go, "Get of my house," and then the burglar panics and then he grabs the hammer and a fight ensues, and then the person ends up getting injured.
So when I opened the drawer, I had to make a selection.
And I couldn't go knife, for the reasons I've just explained.
I looked at the big rolling pin, I could get attacked with that.
But you can't go the other way either, you can't pick up the Mr Men jelly mould.
And I had to find out what was the perfect middle ground between It looks aggressive and offensive, but I think it'll be all right if he tries hit me with it.
What's the most he's going to do? Mess my hair up? And you wouldn't want a knife, you wouldn't want to kill him.
If you have a whisk, you could just beat him.
LAUGHTER Rob You beat with a fork.
You whisk with a whisk.
The applause begs to differ.
Let's set the scene.
Paint a more vivid picture for us.
- It was daytime.
- It was daytime?! - Yeah.
I mistook him for an intruder, because I I subsequently found out that on the e-mail that was sent by the person who owned the house, they said, "Oh, by the way, someone's coming, whenever it was, Saturday afternoon, "to have a look at the wood-burning stove, I hope that's OK, "they'll only be 20 minutes or whatever.
" So I was asleep and it was about midday, something like that.
And I hear a noise downstairs.
And then he starts playing around with the wood-burning stove - Oh, no.
- And And I get worried.
I think someone's down there.
Because the noises are IMITATES THUDDING AND SCRAPING I'm sorry? Well, you are Welsh, are you asking me the time? LAUGHTER And so I go downstairs and I see I see this figure, I panic, and I was going to say, "Get out, or else!" I don't know what I was thinking.
- I just ran at him - "I'll whip you to a soft peak!" I definitely didn't say that to him.
No.
Never say that to a strange man in your house, David.
And I whacked him on the back really hard, just kept whacking him and whacking him.
You hadn't previously challenged him or asked him why he was there? You just went straight in and battered him with a hand whisk? - I just panicked and I attacked him.
- You're just straight in - Of course! - Went to the kitchen, got a hand Batter, batter, batter.
No, there was no batter involved.
We need an answer.
So, David's team, is Jamie Rory's branded buddy? Daisy's smuggled sweetheart? Or Lee's innocent intruder? What do you think, Diane? Well, I'm not sure about Nytol.
I don't think it's that strong.
- So, I think Daisy's lying.
- Yeah.
How old do you have to be to know about Popeye? - Oh, that's interesting.
- Cos I think - Why would he pick - It doesn't ring true.
- OK.
You know that if it's not Daisy and not Rory, that means it's Lee.
LAUGHTER That's right.
Can't be Lee.
- So, what's it going to be, David? - I think it's Daisy.
You think it's Daisy? I could be persuaded that it's Daisy.
- We'll go with Daisy.
- You're going to say Daisy? - Yeah.
Jamie, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Jamie, and I used to sneak into Daisy's house.
APPLAUSE Well done, guys.
Yes, Jamie is Daisy's smuggled sweetheart.
Of course, this is not something you should ever do, putting sleeping pills in someone's tea.
Thank you very much, Jamie.
Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies.
And we start with It's Lee.
Ha-ha! I was genuinely invited to Harry and Meghan's wedding today, but I said no, because I had to come here and do this.
David's team.
Why were you invited? Well, that, David, is as much of a shock to me as it is to you.
I'm on the telly.
Do you know, for example, Prince Harry? - Or Meghan Markle? - Well I've met Prince Harry and he was very nice and he did say that he was a fan of this show.
So he's definitely seen me, because I'm on this show.
If this is true, it's a bit of a blow to me - and Rob, because - Well, this is Well, I wasn't invited.
Maybe Rob was as well I really can't say.
I think we know if Rob was invited, he would be able to say.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, this is interesting, because I want to know if you were invited, because as soon as I got the invite, I've met Prince Harry and I know he's a fan of the show so I immediately assumed that you two had been invited as well.
So I went to phone you, and I phoned you first and I put the phone down.
Because I didn't want to ask in case you hadn't been invited.
I thought it wouldn't be a good idea - It would be a horrible thing to let slip, wouldn't it? - Yes.
It would be a horrible thing to do to someone under any circumstances, even if it wasn't in public.
So you think he's going, "OK, George Clooney, David Beckham, "Oprah Winfrey, Lee.
" They didn't even know my surname! I should point out to people watching at home that it is the Royal Wedding day today.
As we record this, it happened today, didn't it? And it was a lovely wedding as well.
It brought people together, didn't it? And you know what I'm glad about? I'm glad he wasn't there.
Yes.
That would have spoiled it for me.
Oh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Did it come through the post? It went through my agent.
So it's more like a booking.
Were they expecting you to do some of your silly humour or something? - Did you have a plus one as well? - Yes, I did.
And so your wife was happy for you to come and do this instead of going to the Royal Wedding? Well, actually, my wife My wife couldn't go anyway.
So that was the other problem as well.
And then I thought, well, "Who would I take?" And I did actually think of one of you two, and I thought, "That's going to be more awkward.
" So But then I thought, "Maybe it's not awkward if David's "been invited," as I suspected, "and Rob hasn't.
I'll take Rob.
" Then we're all going.
There was a lot of social etiquette, I was all I was a mess.
That is the other question, why didn't Because the wedding finished - This is the irritating thing.
- .
.
at about one.
- Yes.
- And then there was a lunch.
I got the invite that said the wedding is going to be at 12 o'clock.
And I thought, in my head, no-one would say 12 o'clock meaning that's when the wedding is.
That would mean, you know, you turn up at 12 o'clock and then you go through all the rigmarole of security, blah-blah-blah.
And, actually, the wedding will be at about two.
Then you've got the actual ceremony, then you've got the meal, I wasn't going to get here It's like when you buy theatre tickets, the time is just when they think you should leave home.
Lads, I appreciate you're angry.
- Yeah.
Very angry.
- I did I don't I didn't write the invites.
Very angry and very hurt and very bruised, whether this is true or not.
That's the terrible thing, because my thought processes have gone down the lines of it being true, and it feels like I've been through it emotionally, even if I haven't.
- OK, time to decide.
- OK, well I mean, I think it's I'd love it to be true, but I think it's unlikely.
- I wouldn't.
- This has been This has been one of the most psychologically damaging thought experiments I've ever gone through.
And, so, I couldn't I don't think I could pronounce the words "I think this is true.
" Oh, I just did You think it's true? - Are we going to say lie? - I think lie.
Lie, we're going to say lie.
I've a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that it's true.
It's like waiting with a specialist for a result.
Yeah.
Ironically, if this is true, when that moment comes for both of us, it'll just be a mercy.
APPLAUSE So, Lee, tell us.
They think it's a lie.
I pray it's a lie.
It is in fact true.
AUDIENCE GASPS Terrible.
Well, I hope that's the last question of the evening.
- How did you keep that a secret? - Thank you for watching - That's it.
- I mean, thank you for watching.
Oh, actually, there's something else as well.
Sorry, I've got to tell you this as well, which is quite important.
This is a true story as well.
I was lying.
GASPING AND APPLAUSE Look at the smile on his little face! Look at the little happy face! You're OK, it's all right, all right.
Yes, praise be, it was a lie! Of course it was a lie.
Lee wasn't invited, of course he wasn't, to Harry and Meghan's wedding.
Do you know what I think? I think the producers of this show are just trying to turn us against each other.
They're doing a good job! BUZZER And that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
I can reveal David's team has won by four points to nil.
CHEERING Thank you for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.