Would I Lie To You? (2007) s13e06 Episode Script

At Christmas

Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You At Christmas? A very special edition filled with festive fibs.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a TV star who'll be spending Christmas with her husband, Ozzy.
She'll be stuffing the turkey and he'll be biting its head off.
It's Sharon Osbourne! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And a doctor turned TV presenter so if you've had a long wait at A&E today, apologies but we booked him first! It's Dr Ranj Singh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on David Mitchell's team tonight, a writer and comedian who created a little known show called The Office and I, for one, wish him all the luck in the world with it.
It's Stephen Merchant.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And a wild animal biologist, although I don't know if she's a biologist of wild animals or just an animal biologist who's a bit feisty It's Liz Bonnin! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Right, we begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They have no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the facts from the fiction.
Stephen is first up.
LEE: "I am in a Madness tribute act.
" Sorry.
What I meant to say was, Merry Christmas, Stephen.
Thank you.
I once concealed a serious injury because I didn't want a builder to think I wasn't one of the boys.
- Lee's team.
- You pretended you had a serious injury? No, he concealed it, he hid it.
- Oh, he concealed.
I'm sorry.
- Concealed means hidden.
LAUGHTER Thank you very much.
You can't dance to save your life.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Right, and what was this injury? Thank you.
No, thanks for asking.
It was quite a severe hand injury.
What happened to your hand? I was at a, er, like a place where they sell glass and I cut my hand there.
Why did you care what the builder thought of you? Well, I had gone to buy some glass, and my father, who used to be in the building business, said, "Orr, careful, son!" Dunno where he's from! Was he a pirate? He said, "Be careful, mate, when you go in there, "cos if they think that you're, like, some speccy student type, "they'll hike the price.
" So, I went into the shop and I tried to seem quite sort of geezery.
- Whoa! How did you do that? - Show us! I was like, "All right, you geezer!" I said, "Where's your glass, mate?" He's like, "We've got a tonne of it!" and I went, "Cheers!" And I sort of went over, and in the shop it's sort of stacked up, a bit like, you know, if you go in But not like this story? And I went to look at a piece like that, - and I slid it out - Ooh! - Ooh! And, yes, you're right because the chap behind there, the geezer said, "Oh, don't do that, mate!" - Hang on, what are you - He said, "You might cut yourself.
" And obviously, I didn't And I went, "I think I know what I'm doing, Chief.
" I threw in a "chief!" And looked at my hand.
Gash.
Huge gash and I went, "Oh!" But I didn't want him to see that I'd cut my hand, cos then he'd know I wasn't one of the lads.
- But what were you - I put my hand in my pocket.
- Did it not seep through? - Yes, it did.
Ooh! So, you now had a patch of blood on your pocket.
- It's sort of dribbling down the leg for quite a while.
- Was it? I want to know about when you went to pay for it, because that's tricky, cos you've got one hand out of action.
Firstly, I tried to bandage it.
- What with? - Well, there you are.
That was That was Yes.
- Where?! - Well, so I - In the pocket? Well, no, what I did was I said - Oh, I pretended to take a phone call - Right.
And I said, and I went, you know "Hello, you muppet!" And then I said, "I've just got to take this.
" - Yeah, it's Kermit the Frog! - Yeah! LAUGHTER I went outside and I was looking to see if there was any shops nearby and there was a sort of, you know, a corner shop - and so I popped in there.
- What did you get? Tissues? I'm not sure I want to say.
- Well, you have to.
- Oh, I know what you used Oh, no, you didn't! - You used a diaper - You used a panty liner, didn't you? Yes, I did, yes.
- Great idea! Really good idea! - Good! Thank you, doctor! - Very good.
- A trained doctor said it was a good idea.
- You used a panty liner on your bleeding hand? - Yes.
- Well, I - And then took that out of your pocket? Well, no, I kept that in the pocket when I went back in the shop - Ugh - I was worried that he might think I wasn't one of the lads if I had a panty liner on my hand.
So, I kept that hidden, I kept that from him.
- Do you remember the cost, Steve? - I didn't get the discount.
Did they charge you the top whack? - The charged you the top idiots rate.
- Yes.
Stephen, darling, how many stitches did you have in your hand? I didn't I didn't actually get stitches in the end.
What did you do? - I think I just let it sort ofheal.
- Naturally? Yes.
More organic, yes.
Thank you, yes.
You know what's also organic? Tetanus.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So, Sharon, what are you thinking? Is this true, Do you think? I think it is.
LEE: Why? Why do you know it's true? Because I think he's trying to throw us off by - Being vague about it.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Very vague.
I think you're lying, because I would've thought you'd have gone and got medical attention and got it seen to.
Hmm I don't know who to trust the most.
I mean, it's Hobson's choice, isn't it? - I'm 51-49.
It's very close.
It's true, I think.
- Sharon? I think that's how much it cost! 51.
49! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Right, you're saying it's true? - We're saying it's true.
Steve, was it true or were you telling a lie? It was a .
.
truth.
SHARON CHEERS - Sharon, you're next.
- OK.
I once sacked a member of my staff because he showed absolutely no sense of humour during a house fire.
David's team.
What was burning? The house.
No, but .
.
where in the house did the fire start? In our living room.
And this member of staff, what was his job? He was my husband's assistant at the time.
OK.
- You fired him cos he DIDN'T find it amusing? - Yes.
Why did you find it amusing? RANJ: Did you start it? No No! Well, yes, but no.
How did it begin, Sharon? How did this happen? - Christmas - Yes.
.
.
beautiful, kind of, you know, chilly, Christmas night, and my hubby and I thought, "Oh, well, let's light this beautiful gift," that somebody had just given us.
And it was this big candle in this copper kind of vessel that it's in.
And we turned the lights out and we watched a Christmas movie, and then we went up to bed.
We'll draw a veil there.
What happened then? - This alarm was ringing and ringing.
- An alarm went off? Yes, a fire alarm.
Was Ozzy keen to go down and have a look? - Yes, I sent him down.
- Ah, OK.
He's going, "I can't go down - I'm flammable!" And so he went down and suddenly I hear my name being called.
SOFTLY: "Sharon! Sharon!" "Help me! Help me!" It's the Ghost of Christmas Past! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So, I went downstairs and, there he was in the living room, and his arm was on fire.
- His what?! - Arm.
- His arm? Was he in pyjamas, or? What's he got on? - No, he had a sling on like this - His sling was on fire? - And half his hair.
- Half his hair? - Half his hair was all on fire.
- So, um - So, you started laughing? Yes! So, then Where was this assistant during all of this? Why? Sleeping.
So, anyways How dare he? And by this time, the candle had melted this thing that wasn't copper.
It was likecheapo.
It wasn't copper.
Ooh, that's illegal.
that - pretending to be a copper.
But, you see, in America I just got it.
Anyway, so, I picked up the magazine - and I'm hitting Ozzy with the magazine.
- Yeah? - Not - "You idiot! Don't catch fire!" - Yes! And I'm thinking, "Why isn't it?" And then the magazine caught on fire.
Was it Heat? APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH - So, then, outside, there was a fountain.
- Right.
So, I pushed Ozzy out You threw him in the fountain? Made a wish.
The arm and his hair stops.
- ROB IMITATES SIZZLING - Yes.
And then, I think.
"Right, where is thatof an assistant?" - So, I go into the guesthouse - Yes.
.
.
and he's going, "Everything all right?" You know? And I'm like, "No! The house is on fire! "Get out.
Help! Go in, and get the paintings out.
" It's what a personal assistant's number-one job - go into a burning building and get the art out.
- "Fetch that magic eye!" - Yeah.
"The cat calendar in the kitchen - "there's still four days to go on it!" And there were dogs, and I said, "You must go in and find the dogs.
" Yeah.
And so, he was, like, humming and hawing, this EX-assistant.
So, anyway, he did get the dogs.
And so the fire engines arrived.
Very lovely people.
And then they came and they had this oxygen for the assistant.
- So, then I said to him - Yes? .
.
"How very dare you.
"You work here and you get more paintings out right now.
" "Yeah, you can oxygenate your blood on your own time.
" - And I took the mask - You didn't take the mask off him! I took the mask and I put it on my dog.
- Seriously? - Yes.
You said on the card that you sacked him for not having a sense of humour.
- Isn't that what you said? - Yes, because Where's the humour in all of this? Well, after this terrible night, he was not talking to me.
And Ozzy and I were recounting everything, and we were laughing and laughing.
And he goes, "I don't see what's funny about any of this!" and he said, "I think I'm going to have damaged lungs.
" And, I mean, please! So, thenI said .
.
"If you don't think that's funny, do you think this is funny?" And he goes, "What?" I said, "You're fired.
" You used the word "fired"?! APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH All right, Liz, what are you thinking? I 100% believe this story.
So, totally true for you? Yeah.
Stephen? I think I'm inclined to agree with Liz.
There was a lot of very, very good detail.
- So, you're going to say it's true? - 100%.
- I think we are.
- And I think we're hoping that it's true.
- Yeah, yeah.
Sharon, were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie? Well, the answer is, it's .
.
true! Yes, true.
Sharon really did sack someone because they didn't have a sense of humour.
Our next round is called "This is My", where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest.
It's up to Lee's team to spot who is telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Nolan.
So, Stephen, what is Nolan to you? Well, this is Nolan, and we once caused a genuine accident whilst filming a fake one for You've Been Framed.
Liz, how do you know Nolan? This is my old friend Nolan.
When we were at school together, he refused to remove a spider from under my desk until I agreed to pay him a fee.
And, David, what is your relationship with Nolan? This is Nolan, and I once spent New Year's Day comforting his drunk sheep.
Lee's team, where would you begin? - Stephen.
Shall we start with Stephen? - Yeah.
He looks the shiftiest, doesn't he? - So, Stephen - Yes, sir.
- .
.
when was this? - Uh Back in the day.
- Back in the day? And talk us through what you intended to do.
Well, I think we thought that, you know, good money to be earned from a video on You've Been Framed.
And so the plan was, during a lunch hour, we would go to my house, my parents' house, where I lived.
I'm supposedly walking out of the living room, Nolan comes in, he bumps into me, you know, hits me with the door - This is part of the fictional? - This is the fictional version.
And it smacks me in the face and I fall backwards over the sofa.
- Nice.
- 250 quid, done.
- Right.
So So, we're trying that.
That's the plan.
Had you rehearsed it? Well, during the rehearsal, wewe did this.
- Did you videotape the rehearsal? - No.
Well, I thought we were filming, - but you know how sometimes when you press record on a camera - Yes.
- .
.
it's actually pausing it cos it was already running? - Oh, yeah.
So, umI say, "Action!" but we get the timing all wrong.
And so he comes in and hits me with the door, but it was a genuine accident - I wasn't timing it right - and I ripped the door off its hinges and I flipped backwards over the couch.
I mean, that sounds unbelievable.
What can I tell you? And we obviously, we thought, "This is dynamite.
Did you get it? "Did you get it?" But, of course, he'd got the timing all wrong, so what we saw was us going, "This is going to be amazing!" Blank.
And then, "Oh, God, what have I done?! What have I done?!" That is kind of what we had on the tape.
Yes Who's Nolan? - Why doesn't he talk? - Why doesn't he talk? - Yeah.
He's not allowed.
It's not cos he's traumatised.
That's the rules.
All right, OK.
Who would you like to quiz next? Liz, can you remind us how you know Nolan? - Nolan and I were in school together - Oh, yeah.
And he only agreed to remove the spider from under my desk if I agreed to pay him a fee.
- Right - How much was it? Was it money? STEPHEN: How the hell are you a doctor?! - What were you thinking? - Sweets! - Yeah.
- Has anyone checked his doctor credentials?! Or is he a doctor like Dr Dre is a doctor? So, first of all You two went to school together, then? So, you're the same age, then? Has he had, like, a much harder life? Irish gentlemen tend to weather quitequickly.
- Sorry, Nolan.
- Mr Nolan, are you related to the Nolan sisters? No.
No, no, no, no.
Nolan is his first name, - whereas with the Nolan sisters Do you remember? - Yes.
.
.
that was their surname.
So, tell me the conversation with Nolan.
How did it go? - There's a spider under my desk - Right.
I think I went SHE SQUEALS You know, I started getting a little bit nervous of the Did the teacher not say, "Pipe down"? - Well, we were in detention at the time.
- Right.
Right.
Do you just want to explain to David what detention is? David Actually, I had to go to detention once.
- LEE: Why? - Wow.
Because of an injustice! So, Liz, you see the spider, you nudge Nolan.
How close is Nolan? I didn't nudge Nolan, but I went, "There's a spider under my desk!" He immediately went, "I'll get rid of it for you, "but, like, give us some money.
" Did you not think to say to the teacher, "Look, I'm sorry to, uh, complain, but there's a spider under my desk?" - "Excuse me" - No ".
.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to complain.
"Is there some sort of feedback form I can?" Have you seen Nolan since, or is this the first time? We do see each other every now and then in Dublin, cos Dublin's very small, so we do bump into each other.
- And how are you now with spiders? - I'm great with spiders.
Why? - Now, what about David? - Remind us, David.
This is Nolan, I once spent New Year's Day comforting his drunk sheep.
When was this? I think aboutabout ten years ago.
- Right.
Why was his sheep drunk? - Alcohol.
All right The consumption of alcohol was what I put it down to.
How did the sheep get alcohol? The sheep was hanging around the back of a pub .
.
wearing stockings! Not Not that I noticed, Sharon! I was with a group of friends staying in a little house How many friends? I think there were about I think about eight of us.
That is definitely a lie.
- Can we get to the whole thing of why the sheep is drunk? - Well And who gave the sheep the alcohol? The sheep had found the alcohol for itself.
There had been some bottles and some drip trays left out the back of the pub after the New Year's Eve revelry, and the sheep had gone and had Swigged a bottle.
I didn't see the initial drinking, but I've always assumed it was more of a sort of lapping from a drip tray.
But it may be that the sheep had lifted up .
.
a bottle and, you know, delicately brought it to its lips.
And when you came across this sheep, what state was he in? - Paint a picture for us.
- Imagine a sheep You've lost your friends, they seem to have vanished again, andyou're at the back of the pub on your own.
One of my friends A gentle tear trickling down on New Year's Day.
"Not another 12 months of this," you're saying to yourself.
Absolutely, yeah.
No, one of my friends is with me.
We had gone for a walk on New Year's Day.
- You and the friend? - Yeah.
- Right.
We'd been staying in this cottage on Nolan's farm.
We came It wandered into the village, and in the pub car park, there was a sheep behaving eccentrically.
How? How? It was capering about.
Maybe there was the odd bleat, I'm not sure.
Looking at the clouds, going SLURS: .
.
"How did you lot get up there?" So far, you've painted a very vivid picture, but there's no sign of Nolan.
No.
Well, my friend goes and gets him.
- We figured it's probably a sheep from that farm.
- Yes.
And, either way, he's the only person we knew locally who knew what to do about sheep.
How did you actually comfort that sheep? I mean, I mainly I mean, all you can do, really, is I justI stayed with it, I was there.
All right, we need an answer, so, Lee's team, is Nolan Stephen's pranking pal, Liz's mercenary mate or David's sheepish shepherd? - I think it is Liz.
- You think it's Liz.
Because? He's got an Irish accent.
How'd you do that without moving your lips?! Did you catch that? That's absolutely amazing.
Do it again.
Wow! Just cos I think Is my chair sinking?! Someone's had some extra mince pies this year! Send this clip to You've Been Framed! Is it "bring your child to work" day? - So, Ranj thinks it's Liz.
- I think it's Liz.
- What does Sharon think? - I think Stephen.
It's Liz or Stephen - We'll say Liz.
- You're going to say it's Liz.
OK, Nolan, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Nolan, and Stephen and I tried to video a film for You've Been Framed.
APPLAUSE Yes, Nolan is Stephen's pranking pal.
Thank you very much, Nolan.
Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with It's Stephen.
One New Year's Eve, a group of strangers used me as a living landmark.
Lee's team.
Uh What are you talking about? What, they threw a firework at you, right? - No.
- No? Not everyone's a pyromaniac, Sharon.
No, they I was down in Trafalgar Square, cos it was New Year, and, you know, it gets very popular down there, very busy.
How long ago was this? This was probably ten years ago when I was more, you know, more of a young, free and single player, guy about town.
You know, down in Trafalgar Square at the stroke of midnight New Year's Eve.
You know what I'm talking about.
- Well, I've been there at lunchtime.
- OK.
Cos I'm 6'7", obviously, I tower, I can see everybody, you know, and I see a group of young ladies.
And I thought, "Here we go, lads.
Watch out.
" Cos they were looking at me, I thought, "They've see me on the telly.
"Of course they have.
They're looking for a bit of" "Happy New Year," I thought.
They're looking for some Steve action.
And they came over and they said to me, "Are you going to be here for a while?" And I said, "Yes, I am.
" And they said, "Great, because we've arranged to meet back at you.
" In Trafalgar Square, where there's no other obvious landmarks.
- I'd just like to say something.
- Yes.
Because when you said in the beginning "landmark", I thought you said "land mine.
" That's why I said .
.
a firework, you see? Hang on, hang on Why would you throw a firework at a land mine? To set it off! It's a lovely thing to laugh about at Christmas.
Ha-ha, land mine! Cluster bomb! - Do you think it's true or a lie? - I think it's true.
- You think it's true? - Yes.
- You're going to say true? - We'll go with true.
Stephen, they're saying it's true.
Was it the truth, or was it a lie? It is .
.
true.
LEE: Yay! Next .
.
it's Lee.
Possession.
Right, there's a box under the desk.
Uh Now then DAVID: Aw, lovely! Would you first of all, Lee, take the item out of the box, pop it on the desk, and then, when you've done that, read the card.
This is Big Bertha.
Every Christmas morning, I use it to wake my wife from her peaceful slumber by honking it in her face.
David's team.
Why did this tradition begin? It started because I am very excited about Christmas morning.
I always get up nice and early.
I'm actually one of the few people that are up before the kids get up.
Why did you feel that you couldn't just let your wife either wake up naturally or perhaps just wake her up in a more gentle and, dare I say it, human way? I did a different system for the first three years.
That didn't work.
Um But you've got some lovely kids! Why don't you imagine that the beautiful Sharon I'm sleeping.
- Sharon, you're my wife.
- Yes! OK, now, if you could just get into character - pass wind, snore.
So, she's asleep, and then I wake up.
HUSHED VOICE: Ooh! 4:30.
It's time for the trumpet.
Under the bed.
Who are you speaking to when you say that? - This is the internal monologue.
- Oh, this is - Internal monologue.
Try and communicate that just with your face, just with the eyes.
OK, then.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Lovely bit of acting there, yeah.
And I get it out like this, nice and quiet.
Oi! Who's he? RASPY TRUMPETING She wakes up - same joke every year.
I go, "Sorry about that," and waft the duvet.
And then she wakes up.
And then HE PLAYS NOTE Oh! I was holding back.
- What do you think, Steve? - I just I don't know.
There's something that doesn't quite ring true with this story.
I can't put my finger on it, I don't know what it is.
What about you, David? It is a lie.
Well, there we are.
So, was it the truth, or were you telling a lie? Well, I was, in fact, telling HE INHALES DEEPLY .
.
a lie.
TRUMPETING BUZZER Oh, that noise signals time is up, It's the end of the show.
I can reveal that David's team have won by three points to two.
APPLAUSE Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.