Wrecked (2016) s02e02 Episode Script
Poison
1 Previously on "Wrecked" Pack, you're a sports agent, right? Yeah.
Very successful.
- [Gasps.]
- I killed a Nazi.
You killed a guy who happened to be a Nazi.
- Same thing! - [Groaning.]
We're pirates, mother [bleep.]
- [Gunfire, screaming.]
- Danny Wallace? His family's worth billions! I am The Barracuda and this is my island now.
We'll call your father, and after he sends the money, we'll have you picked up here.
I'm so sorry, but my father's dead.
Dad's dead?! There's been a setback.
We're just going to have to learn to live together.
[Chatter.]
Hey, guys.
I know that we're all feeling a little uneasy about the pirates, right? We don't know, you know, what they're doing or how long they plan to stay Yeah! What are they doing!? And how long do they plan to stay!? Well, Chet, it's like I literally just said, we don't know And how come they have so much gear? - Why? - And why do they have tarps?! I'm pretty sure that the tarps are just to cover things.
I don't think we need to fear the tarps.
If it were up to me, I'd say we steal those tarps, string 'em to some boards and boom We kite surf right outta this shithole.
- [Chatter.]
Todd's right.
- We should do that.
- Yeah! - Bruce: I've seen it on TV.
We could try, at least.
Okay.
Hey, guys! Why don't we just think of the pirates as our new heavily-armed neighbors If we leave them alone, they will leave us alone.
Oh.
We're taking your beach.
Wh Seriously? Where are we supposed to go? Oh, we'll want you close.
You can live down there.
- Down there? - Chet: That's a terrible place! - [Chatter.]
Where we all shit? - Burnt tires and stuff! That's, like, the worst part of the beach! It's covered in trash and broken glass - And dead birds.
- See? I didn't even know about the dead birds.
Okay.
Guys, new plan.
Let's grab our stuff and move down the beach.
- What do you think? - Oh, I hate grabbing my stuff! [Chatter.]
Are you happy? And I want your shirt.
I'm sorry? Your shirt.
Take it off and give it to me.
Why does she want his shirt? [Chatter.]
She can have my shirt.
Okay.
All right.
I know what you're doing.
You're big-doggin' me.
You're trying to show everybody you can make me do whatever you want.
Okay, let me just explain something to you, uh, The Barracuda.
I am putting my foot down.
Okay, see this foot? - I am putting it down.
- [Gun cocks.]
Yeah.
I'll just take I'll take it off now.
- [Groans.]
- It's sweaty, so it's hard to come off.
[Insects buzzing.]
Ow! Dammit! God, there's broken glass everywhere! Admittedly, this is a setback.
But on the plus side, Bruce did let me borrow one of his shirts Don't stretch that, now! [Sighs.]
At least it can't get any worse.
[Squealing speakers.]
What the hell is that noise?! [Poison's "Nothin' But a Good Time" plays.]
[Distant chatter.]
God bless.
They're partying.
Don't need nothin' but a good time - How can I resist - Why would they bring a volleyball net? Ain't lookin' for nothin' but a good time I don't know, but Bandana gets up.
And it don't get better than this This is insane! Why is it so loud? They're probably just blowing off steam.
They can't party all day.
What are they gonna do? Party all night? Oh, my God.
They partied all day and they partied all night.
[Dance music plays.]
[Whimpering.]
Why is this happening to us? Are we dead? [Crying.]
[Insects buzzing.]
Dad, I know I wasn't able to be home for your funeral, but Oh! Who wrote that? "Dick" Wallace! I don't think you're a dick.
Some people do, but not Steve! No! Steve, it's not for me, it's for my dad! Oh.
Yeahhh, [bleep.]
him.
He is a dick No, I built it! It's for I was Wait a minute People think I'm a dick? Who thinks I'm a dick? Oh, just, you know, some people because if your parents loved you more, we'd be going home right now.
Hey, hey.
I didn't I mean, that's the truth, but I Look, both of us have done things we regret.
You bringing the pirates to the island, me not killing that Nazi sooner You murdered someone, Steve.
It's not the same.
- Oh, it's pretty similar.
- No.
Anyway, the others They hate us for it.
You can feel the jealousy.
I think you and I should team up.
What about this We get off the island and go into business together! We make a billion dollars and we shove it in their fat faces! I mean, with my brains, and your money Put it this way, I've got a lot of good ideas! Are you about to "Shark Tank" me? Please don't "Shark Tank" me at my father's grave I don't know what that means, but picture this.
Oh, Jesus.
I'm a man.
I've been hard-working all day.
I've just got home.
What do I need? A big bowl of steamy, creamy risotto.
But who's got time for all that stirring?! Oh, kids will be home soon.
I give you "RisoGurt.
" It's like Go-GURT but for risotto! You think people want hot, portable risotto? - Also, is there yogurt in it? - Of course not! It's one-hundred percent steamy, creamy risotto.
Then why is it called "RisoGurt?" I've got other ideas I'm gonna walk away now.
Well, mull it over! We'll crack it, you know! [Dance music playing.]
This is ridiculous! They're using our shelters! - They're eating our hot dogs! - They're not our hot dogs.
They're on our island.
They're our hot dogs.
We rule this realm! Hi.
- [Blows raspberry.]
- Hi! What? [Smooches, blows raspberry.]
Guys, I'm worried about Florence.
I think that the lack of sleep's - starting to get to her.
- What's happening? That's it! I'm getting this shit turned down! What? How? Uh, I'm an agent, remember? I'll negotiate.
Uh, they have guns.
And I've got the magic mouthpiece, baby! Trust me.
I was trained by the best.
Does the name Greta Liebowitz mean anything to you guys? Seriously? "Game On" Greta? Oh, crack the trades, you guys! Greta Liebowitz is the single greatest sports agent of all time.
No, I'm not mad.
I'm furious! She taught me everything I know Let me work my magic.
I'll have 'em eating right out of my asshole.
I don't think that's the phrase at all.
Money, money, money, money, money What's up, bros? Oh, hell yeah! You know, I love music.
- [Music turns off.]
- What do you want? I just wanted to come by and say whattup, you know.
I am loving these jams.
I'm back there like, "I should be chin deep in some strip club titties.
" You guys know what I'm talking about, playboys? No.
O-Kay.
I just wanted to see if you guys could just keep the vols on your speaks down where they are now.
You know, not for me, you know, I love it, you know? It's like pump, pump, pump it up! It's more so for my friends, you know, they're just a bunch of narcs and pussies Not gonna happen.
My men deserve some R&R.
Also, I don't like you.
But I do like your watch.
This? This is nothing, really.
- It's not even - I'll take it.
Along with the rest of your stuff.
- What?! - Go bring their luggage.
All of it.
It's mine now.
Nice work, Pack.
You somehow made things worse.
[Spits.]
I don't want to sound dramatic, but if I don't have my dry shampoo I will light these [bleep.]
pirates on fire! - Okay? - Okay.
Okay, baby.
It's gonna be all right, all right? The important things are safe.
I hid my golf clubs in the jungle.
[Laughs.]
Todd is always one step ahead! Pack, I should warn you Sleep deprivation makes me sexually aggressive.
And I will be taking it out on you.
Oh, my God.
Guys, I'm sorry, okay!? I don't know what happened.
I thought you were gonna go "work your magic"? I did! It didn't work at all.
I need something else.
I need an ass in a hat.
What? Oh, God.
I am so tired.
What's the phrase? Ace in the hole? Ace in the hole! What's in the box? - Our ace in the hole.
- Nice.
Here.
Put these on.
- I don't wear glasses.
- You do now.
Your face looks dumb without them.
- Open.
- Oh, yeah.
There he is.
Game on.
Oh, my gosh! It's my man Chris Bosh! Greta, what's up? This is my main man, Pack.
Sit.
He's gonna run this town someday.
Pshhh, ain't no thang but a G-strang.
Welcome to the butt cracks of the business.
You know all about that, don't you, big dog? Hit me.
Anyway, listen.
I don't have a lot of time.
Me, LeBron, and Dwyane We got laser tag right after this, so Pack? Baby boy, let me talk to you for a minute.
You got money.
I got money.
But this isn't about money.
It's about you.
You need reps that understand the entirety of Chris Bosh.
How you think.
How you feel.
How you eat.
How you [bleep.]
What? That's too much.
Was that too much? Bosh-y, when I see you on the basketball court, I do not see a basketball star.
I see a basketball samurai.
Like a samurai warrior? Because I love samurai shit.
And Pack, what does every samurai need? Throwing stars! Nope.
I'm talking about what's in the box.
Nunchucks! No.
What does a samurai use? A sword? Exactly.
Whoa! Can I keep it? I insist.
It's a real Massamune.
It's the best in the world.
Just like you! [Whispering.]
It's fake.
I bought it on eBay.
Nice.
LeBron and Dwyane and are gonna shit! I gotta find a samurai sword.
What? - Got another idea! - Ah! Steve! My wiener is out, man! What are two things every modern woman loves? Exercising and heavy desserts! Introducing "Pie-lates!" You want women to eat a bunch of pie before immediately doing Pilates? Exactly.
Making money on both ends! Steve, I don't want to be business partners with you.
That's just because we haven't come up with the right idea! Danny, I've got it! "Hammer-In-An-Hour!" We get any hammer, anywhere, - in one hour flat.
- Why a hammer? And why an hour? "Euth-an-easy.
" Euthanasia, made easy Oh, my God.
Steve.
These are all very bad ideas.
We could combine "Euth-an-easy" with "Hammer-In-An-Hour.
" Get Stop talking to me! [Dance music blares.]
Hey, everyone! I have bad news, and I'm told I have poor bedside manners, so I only want to shout this at you idiots once This god-awful music is scaring away the boars.
What? Yes! No more boars! No, Chet, that's bad.
We eat the boars.
Holy shit.
If we don't convince the pirates to turn down the music, everyone but Pack will starve.
Wait.
Why won't I starve? I already told you I'm gonna [bleep.]
you to death.
- Guh.
- Enough! Back in the real world, if your neighbor makes your life suck, you either call the cops, which is the coward's way, or You grab a golf club, maybe a 3- or a 4-iron, possibly a low wood, and you smash every window on their precious cherry red Land Rover! I called dibs on that color.
I called dibs on red! Let's fight! [Cheering.]
Hey, guys, if we fight them, we will be killed.
At least we'll go down swingin', baby! [Cheering.]
Smash! [Laughs.]
Yeah.
Wait! No one has to die! I got this.
Man, you took the wind right outta my sail! [Drum and bass music blaring.]
[Music turns off.]
What are you doing back here? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot.
So I brought you guys some golf clubs! And why would we give a shit about some clubs? Because these are the most valuable things on the island.
These clubs were once used by 17-time Masters champion and noted sex addict Tiger Woods! I love Tiger! Oh, shit.
Tiger's the best, man.
I'd have shot his ass if said Ernie Els.
Game on.
Ooh! Let it fly.
What is this, Pebble Beach? [Laughs.]
So good.
You mind if I grab one of these cold ones? Thanks, bud.
- So, here's the sitch - [Bottle opens.]
you guys are on the island, we're on the island I'd like us all to be friends.
Trust me.
You get these genuine Tigey clubs out on the black market? I mean, move over, Jack Sparrow! Disney's gonna start making movies about you guys.
You're the captains now! When exactly did Tiger use these clubs? Oh, just on this little course, I don't know if you've ever heard of it Augusta! Whoa! That's where they play The Masters.
Are you kidding me? It's a tradition unlike any other.
And why do you have them? Because Tigey's a close personal friend, baby! What? I'm a sports agent.
I know all the greats.
Aaron Rodgers, Serena Williams, Chris Bosh You're Chris Bosh's agent? Hell yeah! Me and Bosh-dog are hella tight! No, you're not.
What? Chris Bosh's agent is Greta Liebowitz.
You guys know "Game On" Greta? You're pirates! - And what? - Whoa.
Pirates can't watch sports? We can't have hobbies? Don't stereotype us, bitch! Also, bad news, it was a huge story, bro.
It was all over ESPN for weeks.
What story? Oh! He doesn't know! - [Laughs.]
- Yo, my man.
Chris Bosh slit his own throat with a samurai sword.
He "Kill Bill'd" himself.
Whaaaaat?! [Slice, thud.]
Bosh! [Gasping.]
Samurai.
Bandana: But that samurai sword was fake, so they put that lying bitch in prison for fraud.
Greta Liebowitz is doing deals in jail.
Hey, cop.
Oh.
Hey, buddy.
Man.
Sure hope Pack can pull this off, huh? Yeah.
Me too.
It's a real shame he doesn't have the "Limitless" pill.
Hmm.
What? The pill from that movie, "Limitless" starring Bradley Cooper, where I think he takes a pill and gets all smart and junk? God, wouldn't it just be so cool if, like, that pill existed in real life? Yeah, I guess it would be pretty cool.
Aha! Ah! - I knew it! - Jesus! That was my idea! What, you think Chet came up with the pill from "Limitless"?! [Laughs.]
No way.
It was me! - And you said it was cool! - I said it was pretty cool.
You didn't wanna team up with me because I'm an idiot! But you like my ideas, and Chet just proved it! Yeah, I did.
Thanks! - So now we can be partners! - We will never be partners.
And it's not because you're an idiot, it's because you're a murderer! Oh, yeah? Well, you'd know, 'cause you're a murderer, too, Danny.
Because you murdered all of us! Do you think it's my fault that we're all stuck here? I don't really know, man.
I haven't really thought about it like that.
But yeah, I guess so! [Laughing.]
Yeah! That sucks.
That sucks! Later, Danny.
She taught me everything I know She taught you to lie.
Wait.
Wait.
These aren't Tiger Woods' golf clubs? What are you, some sort of a sociopath? Do you know what pirates do to liars? I-I could guess, but I don't want to stereotype Capris! Show him.
Oh, my God! You cut his tongue out! That's way worse than what I was gonna guess! Anything you want to say before you never speak again? Yeah.
Okay.
Here's the truth.
We outnumber you five-to-one.
We thought if we left you alone, you'd leave us alone.
But you didn't want to play it like that.
So if you don't want an uprising on your hands, learn to share the island.
We'll turn the music down.
We also want our stuff back.
- I can't do that.
- And I can't go back to my people empty-handed again.
What do you propose? How you doing? You shouldn't be seen with me.
I don't want people to hate you, too.
What are you talking about? It's my fault we're stuck here with the dead birds and pirates See that boat? That's our way off this island.
I don't know how.
I don't know when.
But as long as that boat is here, we have hope.
It's because of you.
- I guess you're right.
- Yeah.
- Man, I gotta stop talking to Steve.
- Talking to Steve? Uh, yeah, you should stop talking to Steve.
That guy is the worst.
Even before he killed Turdhole.
I mean, Steve wears socks with Tevas.
He should go to jail for that.
That's should be, like, 15 to life.
Steve always has a mustache.
I've never seen him shave.
What is that about? Where's he get all the stuff? Nobody else has the stuff.
Everybody else looks like me or you.
He's always got a perfect mustache.
That's weird.
Steve is weird.
Something's not right with that guy, and it's not just the socks and the Tevas, it's not the murder, it's the accent Oh, hi, Danny.
I owe you an apology.
I know how it feels to be falsely called a murderer.
Anyway.
I'm sorry.
I'll let you be alone with your dad.
You know my dad he thought I was a big, fat idiot.
Now matter what I did.
So I guess as a way to give him a big "F-U," if we get off this island, I'd be happy to invest in "RisoGurt.
" Really?! Yeah.
Oh, wow! I was thinking we could change the name.
- Maybe "Ris-o-Go" - No.
Go? Go where? Well, you're taking it on the go.
Nah, it's stupid.
No deal.
No, it's "RisoGurt," or I'm out.
Uh, okay.
Fine.
Whatever.
"RisoGurt" it is.
[Laughing.]
Oh.
Yeah! Oh! Okay, okay.
Oh, there it is.
Partners! The Gurt Brothers! It's Pack! Pack's coming back! Everybody, Pack's back! And he brought buckets of brews! There's no more music.
There's no more music! There's no more music! [Cheering.]
Yes! You did it, buddy! I did it! Where's your glasses? I threw 'em in the ocean.
I don't think I'm gonna be needing those anymore What? What?
Very successful.
- [Gasps.]
- I killed a Nazi.
You killed a guy who happened to be a Nazi.
- Same thing! - [Groaning.]
We're pirates, mother [bleep.]
- [Gunfire, screaming.]
- Danny Wallace? His family's worth billions! I am The Barracuda and this is my island now.
We'll call your father, and after he sends the money, we'll have you picked up here.
I'm so sorry, but my father's dead.
Dad's dead?! There's been a setback.
We're just going to have to learn to live together.
[Chatter.]
Hey, guys.
I know that we're all feeling a little uneasy about the pirates, right? We don't know, you know, what they're doing or how long they plan to stay Yeah! What are they doing!? And how long do they plan to stay!? Well, Chet, it's like I literally just said, we don't know And how come they have so much gear? - Why? - And why do they have tarps?! I'm pretty sure that the tarps are just to cover things.
I don't think we need to fear the tarps.
If it were up to me, I'd say we steal those tarps, string 'em to some boards and boom We kite surf right outta this shithole.
- [Chatter.]
Todd's right.
- We should do that.
- Yeah! - Bruce: I've seen it on TV.
We could try, at least.
Okay.
Hey, guys! Why don't we just think of the pirates as our new heavily-armed neighbors If we leave them alone, they will leave us alone.
Oh.
We're taking your beach.
Wh Seriously? Where are we supposed to go? Oh, we'll want you close.
You can live down there.
- Down there? - Chet: That's a terrible place! - [Chatter.]
Where we all shit? - Burnt tires and stuff! That's, like, the worst part of the beach! It's covered in trash and broken glass - And dead birds.
- See? I didn't even know about the dead birds.
Okay.
Guys, new plan.
Let's grab our stuff and move down the beach.
- What do you think? - Oh, I hate grabbing my stuff! [Chatter.]
Are you happy? And I want your shirt.
I'm sorry? Your shirt.
Take it off and give it to me.
Why does she want his shirt? [Chatter.]
She can have my shirt.
Okay.
All right.
I know what you're doing.
You're big-doggin' me.
You're trying to show everybody you can make me do whatever you want.
Okay, let me just explain something to you, uh, The Barracuda.
I am putting my foot down.
Okay, see this foot? - I am putting it down.
- [Gun cocks.]
Yeah.
I'll just take I'll take it off now.
- [Groans.]
- It's sweaty, so it's hard to come off.
[Insects buzzing.]
Ow! Dammit! God, there's broken glass everywhere! Admittedly, this is a setback.
But on the plus side, Bruce did let me borrow one of his shirts Don't stretch that, now! [Sighs.]
At least it can't get any worse.
[Squealing speakers.]
What the hell is that noise?! [Poison's "Nothin' But a Good Time" plays.]
[Distant chatter.]
God bless.
They're partying.
Don't need nothin' but a good time - How can I resist - Why would they bring a volleyball net? Ain't lookin' for nothin' but a good time I don't know, but Bandana gets up.
And it don't get better than this This is insane! Why is it so loud? They're probably just blowing off steam.
They can't party all day.
What are they gonna do? Party all night? Oh, my God.
They partied all day and they partied all night.
[Dance music plays.]
[Whimpering.]
Why is this happening to us? Are we dead? [Crying.]
[Insects buzzing.]
Dad, I know I wasn't able to be home for your funeral, but Oh! Who wrote that? "Dick" Wallace! I don't think you're a dick.
Some people do, but not Steve! No! Steve, it's not for me, it's for my dad! Oh.
Yeahhh, [bleep.]
him.
He is a dick No, I built it! It's for I was Wait a minute People think I'm a dick? Who thinks I'm a dick? Oh, just, you know, some people because if your parents loved you more, we'd be going home right now.
Hey, hey.
I didn't I mean, that's the truth, but I Look, both of us have done things we regret.
You bringing the pirates to the island, me not killing that Nazi sooner You murdered someone, Steve.
It's not the same.
- Oh, it's pretty similar.
- No.
Anyway, the others They hate us for it.
You can feel the jealousy.
I think you and I should team up.
What about this We get off the island and go into business together! We make a billion dollars and we shove it in their fat faces! I mean, with my brains, and your money Put it this way, I've got a lot of good ideas! Are you about to "Shark Tank" me? Please don't "Shark Tank" me at my father's grave I don't know what that means, but picture this.
Oh, Jesus.
I'm a man.
I've been hard-working all day.
I've just got home.
What do I need? A big bowl of steamy, creamy risotto.
But who's got time for all that stirring?! Oh, kids will be home soon.
I give you "RisoGurt.
" It's like Go-GURT but for risotto! You think people want hot, portable risotto? - Also, is there yogurt in it? - Of course not! It's one-hundred percent steamy, creamy risotto.
Then why is it called "RisoGurt?" I've got other ideas I'm gonna walk away now.
Well, mull it over! We'll crack it, you know! [Dance music playing.]
This is ridiculous! They're using our shelters! - They're eating our hot dogs! - They're not our hot dogs.
They're on our island.
They're our hot dogs.
We rule this realm! Hi.
- [Blows raspberry.]
- Hi! What? [Smooches, blows raspberry.]
Guys, I'm worried about Florence.
I think that the lack of sleep's - starting to get to her.
- What's happening? That's it! I'm getting this shit turned down! What? How? Uh, I'm an agent, remember? I'll negotiate.
Uh, they have guns.
And I've got the magic mouthpiece, baby! Trust me.
I was trained by the best.
Does the name Greta Liebowitz mean anything to you guys? Seriously? "Game On" Greta? Oh, crack the trades, you guys! Greta Liebowitz is the single greatest sports agent of all time.
No, I'm not mad.
I'm furious! She taught me everything I know Let me work my magic.
I'll have 'em eating right out of my asshole.
I don't think that's the phrase at all.
Money, money, money, money, money What's up, bros? Oh, hell yeah! You know, I love music.
- [Music turns off.]
- What do you want? I just wanted to come by and say whattup, you know.
I am loving these jams.
I'm back there like, "I should be chin deep in some strip club titties.
" You guys know what I'm talking about, playboys? No.
O-Kay.
I just wanted to see if you guys could just keep the vols on your speaks down where they are now.
You know, not for me, you know, I love it, you know? It's like pump, pump, pump it up! It's more so for my friends, you know, they're just a bunch of narcs and pussies Not gonna happen.
My men deserve some R&R.
Also, I don't like you.
But I do like your watch.
This? This is nothing, really.
- It's not even - I'll take it.
Along with the rest of your stuff.
- What?! - Go bring their luggage.
All of it.
It's mine now.
Nice work, Pack.
You somehow made things worse.
[Spits.]
I don't want to sound dramatic, but if I don't have my dry shampoo I will light these [bleep.]
pirates on fire! - Okay? - Okay.
Okay, baby.
It's gonna be all right, all right? The important things are safe.
I hid my golf clubs in the jungle.
[Laughs.]
Todd is always one step ahead! Pack, I should warn you Sleep deprivation makes me sexually aggressive.
And I will be taking it out on you.
Oh, my God.
Guys, I'm sorry, okay!? I don't know what happened.
I thought you were gonna go "work your magic"? I did! It didn't work at all.
I need something else.
I need an ass in a hat.
What? Oh, God.
I am so tired.
What's the phrase? Ace in the hole? Ace in the hole! What's in the box? - Our ace in the hole.
- Nice.
Here.
Put these on.
- I don't wear glasses.
- You do now.
Your face looks dumb without them.
- Open.
- Oh, yeah.
There he is.
Game on.
Oh, my gosh! It's my man Chris Bosh! Greta, what's up? This is my main man, Pack.
Sit.
He's gonna run this town someday.
Pshhh, ain't no thang but a G-strang.
Welcome to the butt cracks of the business.
You know all about that, don't you, big dog? Hit me.
Anyway, listen.
I don't have a lot of time.
Me, LeBron, and Dwyane We got laser tag right after this, so Pack? Baby boy, let me talk to you for a minute.
You got money.
I got money.
But this isn't about money.
It's about you.
You need reps that understand the entirety of Chris Bosh.
How you think.
How you feel.
How you eat.
How you [bleep.]
What? That's too much.
Was that too much? Bosh-y, when I see you on the basketball court, I do not see a basketball star.
I see a basketball samurai.
Like a samurai warrior? Because I love samurai shit.
And Pack, what does every samurai need? Throwing stars! Nope.
I'm talking about what's in the box.
Nunchucks! No.
What does a samurai use? A sword? Exactly.
Whoa! Can I keep it? I insist.
It's a real Massamune.
It's the best in the world.
Just like you! [Whispering.]
It's fake.
I bought it on eBay.
Nice.
LeBron and Dwyane and are gonna shit! I gotta find a samurai sword.
What? - Got another idea! - Ah! Steve! My wiener is out, man! What are two things every modern woman loves? Exercising and heavy desserts! Introducing "Pie-lates!" You want women to eat a bunch of pie before immediately doing Pilates? Exactly.
Making money on both ends! Steve, I don't want to be business partners with you.
That's just because we haven't come up with the right idea! Danny, I've got it! "Hammer-In-An-Hour!" We get any hammer, anywhere, - in one hour flat.
- Why a hammer? And why an hour? "Euth-an-easy.
" Euthanasia, made easy Oh, my God.
Steve.
These are all very bad ideas.
We could combine "Euth-an-easy" with "Hammer-In-An-Hour.
" Get Stop talking to me! [Dance music blares.]
Hey, everyone! I have bad news, and I'm told I have poor bedside manners, so I only want to shout this at you idiots once This god-awful music is scaring away the boars.
What? Yes! No more boars! No, Chet, that's bad.
We eat the boars.
Holy shit.
If we don't convince the pirates to turn down the music, everyone but Pack will starve.
Wait.
Why won't I starve? I already told you I'm gonna [bleep.]
you to death.
- Guh.
- Enough! Back in the real world, if your neighbor makes your life suck, you either call the cops, which is the coward's way, or You grab a golf club, maybe a 3- or a 4-iron, possibly a low wood, and you smash every window on their precious cherry red Land Rover! I called dibs on that color.
I called dibs on red! Let's fight! [Cheering.]
Hey, guys, if we fight them, we will be killed.
At least we'll go down swingin', baby! [Cheering.]
Smash! [Laughs.]
Yeah.
Wait! No one has to die! I got this.
Man, you took the wind right outta my sail! [Drum and bass music blaring.]
[Music turns off.]
What are you doing back here? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot.
So I brought you guys some golf clubs! And why would we give a shit about some clubs? Because these are the most valuable things on the island.
These clubs were once used by 17-time Masters champion and noted sex addict Tiger Woods! I love Tiger! Oh, shit.
Tiger's the best, man.
I'd have shot his ass if said Ernie Els.
Game on.
Ooh! Let it fly.
What is this, Pebble Beach? [Laughs.]
So good.
You mind if I grab one of these cold ones? Thanks, bud.
- So, here's the sitch - [Bottle opens.]
you guys are on the island, we're on the island I'd like us all to be friends.
Trust me.
You get these genuine Tigey clubs out on the black market? I mean, move over, Jack Sparrow! Disney's gonna start making movies about you guys.
You're the captains now! When exactly did Tiger use these clubs? Oh, just on this little course, I don't know if you've ever heard of it Augusta! Whoa! That's where they play The Masters.
Are you kidding me? It's a tradition unlike any other.
And why do you have them? Because Tigey's a close personal friend, baby! What? I'm a sports agent.
I know all the greats.
Aaron Rodgers, Serena Williams, Chris Bosh You're Chris Bosh's agent? Hell yeah! Me and Bosh-dog are hella tight! No, you're not.
What? Chris Bosh's agent is Greta Liebowitz.
You guys know "Game On" Greta? You're pirates! - And what? - Whoa.
Pirates can't watch sports? We can't have hobbies? Don't stereotype us, bitch! Also, bad news, it was a huge story, bro.
It was all over ESPN for weeks.
What story? Oh! He doesn't know! - [Laughs.]
- Yo, my man.
Chris Bosh slit his own throat with a samurai sword.
He "Kill Bill'd" himself.
Whaaaaat?! [Slice, thud.]
Bosh! [Gasping.]
Samurai.
Bandana: But that samurai sword was fake, so they put that lying bitch in prison for fraud.
Greta Liebowitz is doing deals in jail.
Hey, cop.
Oh.
Hey, buddy.
Man.
Sure hope Pack can pull this off, huh? Yeah.
Me too.
It's a real shame he doesn't have the "Limitless" pill.
Hmm.
What? The pill from that movie, "Limitless" starring Bradley Cooper, where I think he takes a pill and gets all smart and junk? God, wouldn't it just be so cool if, like, that pill existed in real life? Yeah, I guess it would be pretty cool.
Aha! Ah! - I knew it! - Jesus! That was my idea! What, you think Chet came up with the pill from "Limitless"?! [Laughs.]
No way.
It was me! - And you said it was cool! - I said it was pretty cool.
You didn't wanna team up with me because I'm an idiot! But you like my ideas, and Chet just proved it! Yeah, I did.
Thanks! - So now we can be partners! - We will never be partners.
And it's not because you're an idiot, it's because you're a murderer! Oh, yeah? Well, you'd know, 'cause you're a murderer, too, Danny.
Because you murdered all of us! Do you think it's my fault that we're all stuck here? I don't really know, man.
I haven't really thought about it like that.
But yeah, I guess so! [Laughing.]
Yeah! That sucks.
That sucks! Later, Danny.
She taught me everything I know She taught you to lie.
Wait.
Wait.
These aren't Tiger Woods' golf clubs? What are you, some sort of a sociopath? Do you know what pirates do to liars? I-I could guess, but I don't want to stereotype Capris! Show him.
Oh, my God! You cut his tongue out! That's way worse than what I was gonna guess! Anything you want to say before you never speak again? Yeah.
Okay.
Here's the truth.
We outnumber you five-to-one.
We thought if we left you alone, you'd leave us alone.
But you didn't want to play it like that.
So if you don't want an uprising on your hands, learn to share the island.
We'll turn the music down.
We also want our stuff back.
- I can't do that.
- And I can't go back to my people empty-handed again.
What do you propose? How you doing? You shouldn't be seen with me.
I don't want people to hate you, too.
What are you talking about? It's my fault we're stuck here with the dead birds and pirates See that boat? That's our way off this island.
I don't know how.
I don't know when.
But as long as that boat is here, we have hope.
It's because of you.
- I guess you're right.
- Yeah.
- Man, I gotta stop talking to Steve.
- Talking to Steve? Uh, yeah, you should stop talking to Steve.
That guy is the worst.
Even before he killed Turdhole.
I mean, Steve wears socks with Tevas.
He should go to jail for that.
That's should be, like, 15 to life.
Steve always has a mustache.
I've never seen him shave.
What is that about? Where's he get all the stuff? Nobody else has the stuff.
Everybody else looks like me or you.
He's always got a perfect mustache.
That's weird.
Steve is weird.
Something's not right with that guy, and it's not just the socks and the Tevas, it's not the murder, it's the accent Oh, hi, Danny.
I owe you an apology.
I know how it feels to be falsely called a murderer.
Anyway.
I'm sorry.
I'll let you be alone with your dad.
You know my dad he thought I was a big, fat idiot.
Now matter what I did.
So I guess as a way to give him a big "F-U," if we get off this island, I'd be happy to invest in "RisoGurt.
" Really?! Yeah.
Oh, wow! I was thinking we could change the name.
- Maybe "Ris-o-Go" - No.
Go? Go where? Well, you're taking it on the go.
Nah, it's stupid.
No deal.
No, it's "RisoGurt," or I'm out.
Uh, okay.
Fine.
Whatever.
"RisoGurt" it is.
[Laughing.]
Oh.
Yeah! Oh! Okay, okay.
Oh, there it is.
Partners! The Gurt Brothers! It's Pack! Pack's coming back! Everybody, Pack's back! And he brought buckets of brews! There's no more music.
There's no more music! There's no more music! [Cheering.]
Yes! You did it, buddy! I did it! Where's your glasses? I threw 'em in the ocean.
I don't think I'm gonna be needing those anymore What? What?