Xena: Warrior Princess s02e15 Episode Script

Now, she’s ours! Hah-hah! Some breakfast? Yeah! Come on! Come and get me! Oh, Gabrielle! Xena! What? Where d’ya think you’re going! Xena, this was our only frying pan.
Why do you do that?! You do have weapons, don’t you? I like to be creative in a fight.
It gets my juices going.
Can we cook with your juices? Ohh! Could you guys talk about this some other time? Oh, yeah-- I’ve cut off the-- -- flow of blood to my brain.
I’ve heard all about it.
What do you want to know? Who sent you? Zagrayas-- he wants to loot a little village not far from here that had a big harvest this year.
What village? Piedmont.
Zagrayas said you were in the area, so-- he sent us here to stop you before you could get in his way.
Looks like we’re going to Piedmont.
All right, Gabri-- Hey! Hey! Ow! Oh, sorry I, um-- I guess I haven’t totally woken up yet.
Which way? I don’t know.
I’ve never been here before.
Xena-- you know-- you should have asked for instructions when you had the pinch on that guy.
Well, you were there.
Why didn’t you ask him? Oh, like you would want me to butt in on one of your pinch interrogations? Why not? You ask good questions.
Really? Thank you.
Yo! Yo! Xena-- here comes a guy.
Let’s try this.
You put the pinch on him and I’ll ask the questions.
Hey! Ow! Why don’t we just try asking him the regular way, first, all right Excuse me, sir.
Do--? Are you Xena? Yes.
Hmm? Oh, ah, my-- my village is in great danger.
Can you help us? Is Zagrayas after your village too? Not Zagrayas.
A giant wanted us to pay him protection money.
But we didn’t have enough.
So he says he’s gonna come this afternoon-- and flatten our town.
Two villages in dire straits.
I hate when that happens.
Well-- I guess we’ll just have to methodically examine the needs of each village, and then-- determine where we can do the most good.
Yeah? All right-- now I’ve made a list of the pros and cons.
Which village is in greater danger; which has the most to lose; giant versus warlord, and so on.
Now, I’m sure with careful consideration of the facts, we can come to the right decision.
Heads-- we take on the giant.
Of course-- that’s another way.
Oh, ah-- Laurel.
It’s this way.
Hey! Hower! Does your village have a store that sells frying pans? You know, I really don’t wanna hear about this all day.
Look! I’ll drop it.
I suppose raw meat can’t kill you.
Fine.
In a time of ancient gods, warlords, and kings, A land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena, a mighty princess, forged in the heat of battle.
The power the passion the danger Her courage will change the world Are you male or female? Male.
Living? Dead? Oh, I am very dead.
Were you killed by a certain Warrior Princess? Yes.
Well, that narrows it down-- a little.
Huh.
Atyminius? No.
Hmm.
Ah! Ah, I almost go you that time.
No, you didn’t.
What are you talking about? I was this close.
You were this close ‘cause I let you get this close.
We’ll see.
Oh.
Hower-- how big is this giant? I don’t know.
He-- he’s never been to our village before.
And he just sends threats through a messenger.
Well, how do you know there really is a giant? We’ve heard he’s already destroyed a village in the next valley.
So, he’s never been to your village.
We may be able to use that to buy some time.
I had no breakfast, all right? Hower, is there a creek nearby? Ah, yeah-- just over that ridge.
Great.
Let’s take a detour and eat.
Fish sounds good.
You know, a frying pan would come in handy right about now.
Get off it, Gabrielle.
Are you a warlord or royalty? Warlord.
Doesn’t she need a fishing pole? It’s much too conventional for her.
Are you Dagnine? Nope.
What do you like, Hower? Trout or perch? Trout.
I’ll take salmon.
Wrong kind of creek; wrong season; wrong-- Fine-- how about eel? Eel.
Mmm.
See that? Horse tracks, lots of them.
Looks like Zagrayas’ army forded the creek here recently.
It means it won’t be long before they strike at Piedmont.
What a shame that litle village has to be looted.
I’m not gonna let that happen, Gabrielle.
Xena, you can’t stop it.
You can’t be in two places at once.
I don’t have to be.
One eel coming up! Here you go! Ah, that’s funny-- yeah.
Let me ask you something, Gabrielle.
Does Xena ever think about-- settling down and getting married? No-- she likes what I do.
I think she likes what she’s doing.
No, I don’t think settling down is for Xena.
Hmm-- maybe she just hasn’t met the right guy.
You know, anything’s possible, Hower.
Hower-- I saw some wood lying around.
Would you mind collecting it? We’re gonna have to cook these, somehow! Thanks-- good shot.
Another one’s fallen for you.
Again? Yeah.
Why does this always happen? It’s the blue eyes, the leather.
Some guys just love leather.
I think a wardrobe change is in order.
You could wear chain mail.
Yeah, but I think that’d just attract a kinkier group.
You’re probably right.
On the other hand, I could just stop bathing and wear a smelly wolf skin.
That’d turn ‘em off.
That’s true.
Of course, you’d also be travelling alone.
Flowers for a flower.
Oh-- thanks, Hower.
Did you see that? What? She took the flowers-- she likes me.
Oh, boy.
Gabrielle-- what do you think you’re doing?! Oh-- that’s just great.
It’s gonna smell like fish for days! Well, what was I supposed to use, huh? You threw our only good cutting knife at a warlord last week.
I bet it’s still sticking out of his thigh.
I’ll wash it off for you, Xena.
That’s all right, Hower.
How far are we away from your village? It’s about two more hours-- due east.
Good-- we can find it on our own.
There is something you can do for me.
Anything.
I want you to deliver a message to Zagrayas.
Tell him not to worry about anything.
I won’t get in his way if he doesn’t get in mine.
That’s it? Yeah.
I don’t understand it, either.
But I learned that she works in mysterious ways.
And the bacchae crushed their victims like a python! Python, right.
And the bacchae fell on their victims like hungry wolves.
That’ll work.
You used my scrolls?! Now, take it easy.
There were no good leaves in the bush.
I used a piece that didn’t have much writing on it! Y-- The giant’s coming.
I hope I spelt Laurel right.
Who cares?! Giants can’t spell.
You know, how do you know he’s coming this way? I haven’t heard him in a few minutes.
Maybe-- maybe he’s gone another route.
There’s a giants’ burial ground close by.
I figure he might wanna stop there on the way.
Let’s go.
- Gabrielle! -What?! Come on.
Light or dark hair? Dark.
Fat? No-- buff.
Hmm.
Toxeus.
No-- that’s interesting.
What? Huh.
There’s actually something interesting about this place, Xena? Hello-- this is like every other village we’ve ever been in.
You know, for once, you think somebody would try something new-- line the road with birch trees or-- No-- I mean, there’s no one here.
Ooh! Quit wiggling! Stop wiggling, you-- rotten goat! Hello.
You’re-- you-- you’re Xena, aren’t you? Yes.
All right! I finally get to meet the-- the Warrior Princess herself! I’ve heard about all your adventures.
How you unchained death, and-- and liberated Prometheus, and-- nailed that Callisto witch.
Listen.
I-- I’m just here to-- You are the main thing, the real deal, you know?! The number one attraction! And, um-- you must be ah-- uh-- oh-ho-- um-- Lariel.
What’s it like to travel with the hottest warrior in the butt-kicking bizz, huh? Does she sleep in the--? Well.
Hey! Lady, we’re on a mission.
And-- we stayed behind to help.
All the other villagers-- they’ve run to the hills-- except for me and my boyfriend, Hower.
You’ve probably met him already.
Where is he? Ah-- he’s doing me a favor.
He told me about your problem.
Well, I want you to know-- I’m ready to do anything you need.
I’m as strong as a bull-- and I can read.
That’s a pretty rare combination in these parts.
So-- what’s you plan? Your strategy? How’re you gonna whip this overgrown fleabag? I don’t know yet.
I’m gonna have to think this one out.
Fine-- What can I do to help you concentrate? Mezentius? No.
Who could it be? Don’t-- don’t tell me.
Is it too hot? No, it’s just right.
I’ll go get some more.
What are we going to do about the giant? I don’t know; it hasn’t hit me yet.
You know, we could get Minya to round up the mirrors.
Mirrors? Yeah-- in case he’s wearing a helmet.
You know, like Goliath.
Oh.
You can reflect the sun onto him.
He’ll take off the helmet and expose the giant soft spot.
I’ve already done that.
Yeah, I know-- and it worked.
You know, you don’t have to be original every time you fight, Xena.
I suppose not.
Here, now I’ll do your back.
Oh-- that’s enough, Minya.
She’s in that, ‘I’ll do anything for the Warrior Princess’ haze.
Yeah-- well, she’s a good kid-- I suppose.
You know, her boyfriend is in love with you.
Hmm.
Guess I’ll have to straighten that out, too.
Why you? Because I do the sensitive chats.
Well, that doesn’t mean that I can’t.
Why do you have to be so competitive about everything? Oh, and you’re not? I’m less competitive than you are.
That’s enough, Minya! Thank you.
Sure.
Have you got your plan yet? Well-- We want you to collect all the mirrors in town.
Is that what you want, Xena? A mirror is part of the plan? Yeah-- for now.
What? You said, ‘for now.
’ So? You’re not gonna do that again, are you? What?! You know what.
We set up a perfectly good plan, and then you change it at the last minute.
Well, you gotta be flexible.
It comes with the job.
Are you sitting on the soap? I was wondering what that was-- hmm.
Hello, Hower! Xena’s here! Isn’t she incredible?! So strong, so-- confident, so brave, so-- -- beautiful.
Well, she’s all right-- if you like that type.
Xena-- I delivered your message to Zagrayas.
He-- -- wanted to know what I was up to, and decided to hold off his attack on Piedmont till he could figure it out.
And, he wouldn’t agree to my offer.
That’s right.
How did you know that? I used to ride with Zagrayas.
He’s got nerves of mush and he wouldn’t trust his own mother.
Hower, I want you to go back to him, and tell him that I don’t mind if he sacks Piedmont, but he’d better not come anywhere close to Laurel.
Got it? All right-- anything you want, Xena.
Well-- I’m going now, Xena.
Bye, Hower.
Hey! Hower, say goodbye to Minya.
Bye.
He’s running.
I’ve never seen him run for anything but a meal.
When Hower gets back, one of us has got to talk to him.
Minya-- is this your frying pan? Yeah? Do you wanna trade? Ah, yeah! Sinteres.
No.
Was it someone you fought before I met you? No.
Fine-- who was it? Theodorus.
Theodorus? Xena, Callisto killed Theodorus.
Yeah-- but she was in my body at the time.
Y-- Hey! The rotten thing came back and bit me! You gotta be careful with it.
What are you doing with my whip, anyway? It isn’t your whip, anymore.
I traded my best frying pan for it-- fair and square.
Look-- we have to cook our food.
I am still waiting for the fish I had for lunch to stop brying to swim upstream! No, this isn’t about cooking, is it? I don’t know what you’re talking about.
I messed with your scroll, so you-- you traded my whip for a frying pan? I want it back.
No! It belongs to me! You don’t get that concept very well, do you? The whip is mine.
The frying pan’s yours.
Hower is mine! She’s yours.
Hmm.
I’m going to go check on the giant.
Move all the mirrors up the north end of town.
You’re not the only tough broad around here, you know?! You can run, but you can’t hide! Warrior Princess, my--! Oh, Xena! Yo, Hower.
Zagrayas-- -- is moving in this direction? That’s right.
How do you know all that? You’re a genius.
No, I just know that scum always floats to the surface.
He wants to see what I’m doing in Laurel.
He figures there must be some profit in it.
Uh-huh.
But why do you want him to come this way? Then we’ll have to fight the giant and Zagrayas’ army.
Not if we time things right.
What is it? Wow! And I thought I had big feet! Three paces.
It’s gotta be Gareth.
Who’s Gareth? Only the biggest and meanest giant who ever walked the Earth.
And thanks to Xena, the Bacchae were turned into the beautiful women they were (says with Gabrielle) before.
What do you think? It’s pretty good.
Do you have one where Xena steals somebody’s boyfriend, or, do you always leave that part out? Minya-- look, Xena would never take anybody’s boyfriend.
She has more integrity in that way than anyone I’ve ever met.
She will send the right message, I guarantee it.
Minya-- I wanna be real honest with you.
I think I’m in love with Xena.
She sent him a message, all right.
Xena-- we need to talk about Hower.
The giant is Gareth.
We don’t have much time.
The mirror plan won’t work.
Gareth is-- -- the biggest, meanest giant ever to walk the Earth.
Xena’s old buddy, Goliath, wanted to get revenge on Gareth for killing his family.
But then, Xena and Goliath ended up on opposite sides during the Israelite-Philistine feud.
And then Goliath got wasted.
I read it in one of her scrolls.
Does Gareth wear a helmet? With a heavy nose guard.
Well, why won’t the mirrors--? No, there are heavy rain clouds moving in from the west.
There won’t be any sunshine to reflect.
What’re we gonna do? Zeus killed giants with lightning bolts.
How are we going to get lightning bolts? There.
What is it? I don’t have a name for it.
But if I can get it up into the air, I think we can use it to nail Gareth.
Get it up in the air? Yeah, you know? Make it fly.
Let the wind carry it.
Looks like your precious has got a screw loose.
Oh.
Xena-- look-- I hate to doubt you after all we’ve been through, but-- I think this is a long shot.
Well,what’s your plan? Hey, don’t get defensive.
I just don’t share your vision here.
There were plenty of other times when you didn’t share my vision.
Yes, and you were right those other times.
But, eventually you’re going to be wrong.
Call it the law of averages.
I just as soon it not be when the biggest giant to ever walk the Earth is headed our way! Maybe if I ran with it.
All right! Come on.
Have faith, Gabrielle.
Have faith.
Yes! Woo-hoo! We did it! We did it! We did it! We did it! it! Yeah! When Gareth gets here, we’re gonna have a-- piece of parchment floating in the air, with a belt-buckle hanging on it.
Xena, what is this supposed to do? Bring the power of Zeus to Earth.
Here-- you take over.
Keep it up there just as long as you can.
I’m gonna go talk some sense into Hower.
Are you sure you-- you don’t want me to--? Gabrielle-- I think I can handle it.
Keep that string taut.
Uh-huh.
Xena! Hey! Woo-hoo! Oh! Come here! Come here! Xena.
I was just brushing Argo down for you.
I think she likes me.
Hower, Minya’s a good woman.
She loves you.
You’re lucky to have her.
And you got a snowball’s chance in Tartarus with me.
You got that? I think you’re denying your feelings, Xena.
But I can be patient.
You’ll come around.
Hmm? Gabrielle.
Gabrielle? You know, I would have had you if I hadn’t done the war cry.
Yeah, sure you would.
It’s your turn to talk to Hower.
Right-- your flying parchment’s stuck in a tree.
My love for Xena will last forever! OK-- thanks Xena.
What did you say to her? I just gave her some advice about handling me.
I don’t know if she really listened.
She doesn’t trust me, you know? How did it go with Hower? Not well.
Maybe you could kick him around a little bit.
Yeah-- No, he might like it.
That’s true-- Hmm.
You know-- if this works, I’ll repay an old friend a debt.
Goliath? Yeah-- I’ve always regretted that he had to die.
But at least now I get to even the score for him.
The giant that killed his family is headed toward the wrong village.
The dead can hear our thoughts.
I’m sure that he knows you care about him.
Yeah.
What was that?! Sounds like Zagrayas just ran into a certain giant.
That Gareth never could resist stomping an army.
Brilliant! That was your plan all along.
To bring Zagrayas into Gareth’s path.
Do all your plans work this well? Let’s hope so-- ‘Cause when he’s done with Zagrayas-- he’s coming for us.
What’s taking him so long? Cut him some slack.
He’s just stomped an entire army.
He’s probably resting.
Where’s Minya? I hope she’s taking some advice I gave her.
Xena! Hi, Zagrayas.
Having a bad day? You set me up, Xena! That giant destroyed my entire army! It’s not fair! I’m just trying to make a living! All us warlords are! A little looting! A little mayhem! You used to do it, Xena! But you changed! And you ruined everything for all of us! With your chakram, your-- whip, your sword, your fists, and your little tricks! You made fools of us all! I’m here to end it, Xena-- end it all! Yeah! One of us ain’t leaving this place alive, Xena.
So come on! Let’s have at it! Hey! Tough guy! You wanna talk or fight? Another one! Whoa! Minya! That was amazing! I had no idea you-- -- looked so good in leather? Minya! What’d you do with that whip?! Hower! He’s headed toward the giants’ burial ground first.
I’ve gotta go out to meet him.
If this doesn’t work-- or if the bad weather doesn’t hold, I want you to get Hower and Minya to safety.
Don’t let them die in a lost cause.
Xena-- I’m sorry I traded your whip for a frying pan.
I shouldn’t have used your scrolls.
We’re even.
It’s time.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Gareth-- we meet again.
I’m going to squash you like an insect.
In your dreams.
I’m going to get you, Xena.
Come on, handsome! Come on, Gareth-- you couldn’t catch a cold! You should have more respect for the dead! You can’t get away from me.
You’ll be joining them sooner than you think! Goliath says ‘Hello.
’ That bunch up there looks like a big dipper.
A dipper? Yeah, you know-- like one of those cups that you draw water out of a bucket.
It looks-- it looks like a bear to me.
A bear? Yeah.
How do you get a bear? Look it-- look-- there’s the body; look-- see the little ears, and-- tail.
Oh.
Xena? Oh, no-- I’m so sorry.
Are you all right? I’ll live.
I’m sorry.
I-- I never thought I’d-- I’d really hit you.
I-- It’s all right.
Let’s just try and go to sleep, now, OK? Hey! Did you just let me hit you? No, you nailed me fair and square.
You did, didn’t you? You-- you let me hit you, because you feel sorry for me.
Go to sleep.
All right.
I know you let me hit you.