Xena: Warrior Princess s03e15 Episode Script
King Con
Double or nothin'! Hit me! Come on.
[ Chattering, Indistinct .]
[ Wrestlers Groaning .]
One for the-- [ Cheering .]
I did it again! All right, you sweet beauties.
Come to papa.
Name is Titus.
Great.
Great.
I own the place.
You know, you're really good.
How about we really test your skill? Maybe double your money? That sounds great! Um-- Unfortunately, I'm meeting some friends.
dddd [ Humming .]
Right.
Try that again, and you're a dead man! Hey! I saw it first, pal! Who you calling pal, pal? Hey! Who you shoving? Whoa, whoa.
Hold on a second, fellas! Wait-- Sorry, I just couldn't help overhearing.
Butt out, buddy! Wait a minute.
Maybe I can help.
I said scram! No! Wait! Maybe we could use a third opinion.
See, me and him, we found this gold nugget worth at least, oh, 50 dinars.
The only problem is, neither of us has the money to buy the other one out.
And we don't trust each other to cash it in.
Even going together, he tried to run off with it.
Only after you attempted to swallow it.
You see the problem? [ Chuckles .]
I'd have to be an idiot not to.
Swallowing something like that can be very dangerous.
- Mmm.
-Yes, but the more immediate problem we have is finding someone who has enough money in order to cash out this nugget right here on the spot.
Who walks around with that kind of change, huh? [ Chuckles .]
This is your lucky day.
I just took the gaming house for a hundred dinars.
No kiddin'? Yeah.
Why, if you're serious about helping us out, here's what we'll do.
I'll borrow 50 dinars from you.
Ah -- Uh-- But I'll only keep 25.
I'll use the other 25 to pay you back.
Oh.
That way, we're even.
- Then I give you 25.
You give me the nugget.
- But that shorts me 25 dinars.
- Yeah.
- Uh, no.
'Cause you'll get paid the other Oh.
Then I give you the nugget.
You give me the 50 dinars that it's worth, and we're all square, right? Right.
Wrong.
We're not square until you two clasp hands in the spirit of true fellowship.
Appreciate you making this so easy.
Yeah.
Thanks, friend.
Thank you, sucker.
[ Chuckles .]
Hmm.
Just call me Mr.
Lucky.
What do you think'll happen when he finally figures it out? That he's holding fool's gold? No.
That you took his sword.
[ Xena .]
No, you are not getting off.
Your ankle's too swollen.
I'm telling you Xena.
This sprain is not half as bad as the last one.
The less you're on it, the faster it'll heal.
Besides, when we hook up with Joxer we'll stop and make camp.
It's not like him to be late.
What do you want to bet that he stopped to watch the paint dry, or the grass grow, and he completely forgot? Hmm? Believe me, I know Joxer almost as well as I know you.
And how well is that? Well enough to know what you're thinking most of the time.
Like right now you're thinking, "She thinks she knows me, huh? We'll see about that.
" Easy guess.
Okay.
Now you're thinking, "Oh, wait -- I haven't thought of anything yet.
" Right? And what am I thinking now? You wouldn't dare -- Not to an injured woman.
[ Whinnies .]
[ Men Yelling In Distance .]
Listen.
Come on.
[ Groaning .]
[ Laughing .]
Get up, you piece of sh-- [ Grunts .]
For the last time-- Where's Pop's money? So long, Mr.
Lucky.
Who is it? - [ Man #1 .]
Let's get outta here! -[ Man #2 .]
Come on, Leo! [ Man #1 .]
Who is she? [ Man #2 .]
Come on, man! Is he-- If we can treat him and get him to someplace safe, he stands a chance.
Which is more than I can say for the men who did this to him.
[ Man Narrating .]
In a time of ancient gods -- [ Xena Yells .]
warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.
The power.
The passion.
-The danger.
- [ Kiaiing .]
Her courage will change the world.
Forty-eight, Partners for three years, and still you bet against me? Why is that, Eldon? Law of probability.
See, you're good, and you're lucky, but face it, Rafe, you gotta lose sometime.
Wanna bet? I'll take a piece of that action.
[ Shouts .]
Have we met? Where'd you get that sword? Oh, actually, they say I take after my father in that respect.
The sword on the table! Oh.
That sword.
Found it.
Hey! What do you think you're -- That sword belongs to a friend of mine who was beaten nearly to death.
So, either you start fillin' in some holes, or I start making 'em.
You're a bettin' man.
Care to wager on how long it'll take me to miss? We took it off an easy mark this morning, but I swear, we never touched him.
That sounds more like Titus's style, right, Rafe? Or his son Leo's.
Who are they? Own the local gaming club.
Your friend won big there, but Titus -- he'd rather die than lose.
Or rather see someone else die.
Odds are, they do.
The odds just changed.
- You gonna kill him? - Maybe.
But not before I make him pay for what he did to Joxer.
Come on.
We got work to do.
Unless you'd rather that I hand you over to the authorities.
I hear that they cut out your tongue, brand your arm, and jail you for life.
What do you think? - May we confer? - Make it quick.
All right.
What do you think? You kiddin'? I don't know about you, but my tongue's a vital part of my anatomy.
No, no, no, no.
I-I meant her.
What do you make of her? Trust me, Rafe.
No man can make her.
Oh.
I can.
Thirty dinars says you can't so much as get her to kiss you.
So, what's your answer? You're on.
What do you mean, the money's gone? How could it be gone? He tried telling us he traded it for fool's gold, but nobody's that dumb! Then where is it? I don't know.
Ahh! We were beating it out of him, when this wo-- When someone came along.
We had to run or risk being recognized.
You mean, you left him alive? Barely.
Now, you listen to me, Leo.
I don't care what it takes.
You find him and finish the job, 'cause no one makes a loser out of me.
You got that, Leo? No one.
There you go.
Joxer, I don't know if you can hear me, but, um, stay with us.
I mean, Xena and I, we-we care about you, and-- Uh -- I mean, I know it's kind of hard to tell sometimes.
You're like family to us, s-so don't leave us, okay? [ Footsteps Approaching .]
Still no change? No.
These the guys who conned him? Look, we never laid a finger -- W-W-W-Wait-- She said conned.
You knew that we never beat him.
- She played us for suckers.
Come on.
Let's go.
- Wait a minute! Look at him.
You took his sword-- You left him defenseless.
- How can you just walk away? - Easy.
Watch.
I've got a plan to take Titus for all he's worth.
Help me, and I'll cut you in for half.
- You asking? - I'm offering.
- We're in.
- [ Moaning .]
Hey.
Hey, Joxer.
It's all right.
We're here now.
Shh.
Everything's gonna be all right.
I promise.
Shh, shh, shh.
Get one of the acolytes, quick.
It's okay.
Joxer, lie still.
Come on.
Relax.
[ Gabrielle .]
Joxer, shh.
[ Grunts .]
He needs more arnica.
I'll get another blanket.
[ Mutters .]
Nice come-out.
You've done this before.
- It's been a while.
- Well, that's too bad.
A waste of talent.
I have many skills, most of which I use against people like you.
All right.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the feeling that you don't like me much.
Not true.
I don't like you at all.
[ Shakes Dice .]
You're some kind of friend, teaming up with somebody that you hate, just to set things square for your pal.
Not everybody would do that.
All right, so what do you want from me? Table odds? That's right.
Only don't make it too obvious.
I want to rattle Titus's cage a little -- shake him up.
[ Tosses Dice .]
Seeing what he did to your friend, I do not blame you.
Look, Xena.
I'm sorry, uh, you know, for our part in this.
I swear, we would've never have fleeced your friend had we known how it was gonna go down.
Believe me.
Thanks.
I'll tell you what I believe.
I believe that you bet your buddy that you could score with me, and that this whole line of bull is just you trying to win a bet that you can only lose.
[ Chuckles .]
Hmm.
Let's roll.
[ Man .]
No more bets.
The wheel's spinning.
Place your bets.
All bets down.
[ Man .]
Blue 16 is the winner! [ Xena .]
Lucky nine! Mama needs a new pair of sandals.
Yea! Ah! [ Dealer .]
Shooter stays lucky.
No wonder they call luck a lady, eh, men? -[ Man .]
Place your bets, please, gentlemen.
- [ Mouths Words .]
When you're hot, you're hot.
[ Crowd Cheering .]
Oh! Sorry, boss.
Croup needs a new set of bones.
Think we got a hustler, but we can't suss her out.
[ Titus .]
Okay.
Who's the wench? Which way to the boxing match? [ Chuckles .]
Forty dinars says mine's gonna win.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, oh, could you guys help? Come on, butterfingers.
Pick 'em up! Double down.
All bets down.
Shooter's ready to roll.
What's your pleasure? Easy five.
Come on! -[ Crowd Cheering .]
Oh! - Huh! [ Shouts .]
- She's cheating.
Nobody's that good.
- Okay.
How? Croup's already switched bones twice.
Ready.
Nothin' but fives.
[ Crowd Cheering, Applauding .]
[ Crashing .]
[ Shouts .]
[ Groaning .]
What happened? I don't know.
We heard a crash and came running, but-- Come out, or die where you stand.
[ Laughing .]
You've got a heartbeat to tell me what you're doing in here.
[ Grunts .]
Relax.
Down, boys.
She's taking measurements for my new office.
Your new-- Who in Tartarus are you? The woman who's going to own this place and everything in it.
Those paintings, that statue-- Hmph.
Oh.
Even this pretty little trinket.
Just put that down! Look, that belonged to an empress! How -- Guards! - Think fast, Titus! -Wha-- I got it! [ Yells .]
[ Yells .]
- By the gods, it'd be so easy, just -- - Xena! No.
No, killing's too good for scum like you.
I am gonna take you down piece by piece, till there is nothing left-- Not your club, your money, your pride -- Not even your stinkin' ruby.
I'm gonna take it all, and I'm gonna love every minute of it! [ Gasps, Pants .]
Now, look.
I don't know what your angle is, but everybody's got a price.
What's yours? Everything.
And there's nothing you can do to stop me.
So how did I do? Was that crash loud enough, huh? How about my timing? Perfect.
Phase one and phase two are done.
We've got some money, and, more importantly, we got Titus's attention.
What's next? We gotta move fast.
Rafe and I'll get the disguises.
You watch Joxer while Eldon watches Titus.
As soon as he moves to have Leo stash that ruby-- and he will-- we run the first con.
So, you and Rafe, huh? He's not too bad, is he? You mean for someone who makes his money cheating others out of theirs? Yeah, he's a prince.
I didn't say he was perfect.
But you saw him with Joxer, and you have to admit he's smart.
And he's funny, he's handsome.
Arrogant and self-centered.
Your typical bad boy.
Just your type.
[ Horse Neighing .]
Argh! What do ya think? Holy Hera.
We're pushing time.
You got a problem? - Uh-- Uh, clearly not.
- Good.
Then give me that hat.
What do you say? Or else? You're welcome.
So, youalwaysthis focused? That's right.
You always this nosy, huh? Not anymore.
No, I won't let ya.
If anyone's going after Titus, it's gonna be me.
Joxer, if Leo or Titus saw you, they'd kill you.
Not if I saw 'em first.
What are you gonna do, bleed on them? Now make sense.
- Joxer! Lay still, or I'll restrain you! -[ Sighs .]
Joxer, swear to me that you'll lay still and forget about Titus.
We'll take care of him.
I promise.
[ Sighs .]
You-- [ Sighs .]
idiot.
Why didn't you tell me this before? Oh, come on, Pop.
I thought you'd get mad at me for-for running away from a woman -- even one like Xena.
- You're right.
- [ Groans .]
So, she's a friend of this little pissant, is she? Gotta be.
I've looked everywhere for him.
She must have him hidden.
Then keep looking.
We find this Joxer.
We've got a card to play against her.
But first, I want you to do something very important for me.
[ Metal Clinking .]
Hey! [ Both Groaning .]
What are you doin' here? Joxer fell asleep.
I thought you could use a break.
Hmm, not me.
But your friend's headed for one.
Xena? Headed for what? Heartbreak, if she doesn't watch out.
We are talking about Xena, right? [ Chuckles .]
Joke if you want, but when a guy like Rafe doubles the bet we got on it, I'd say he's feeling pretty confident.
Doubles what bet? Did you and he-- It's showtime.
[ Gabrielle .]
Help! Somebody help! Please! [ Rafe Groans .]
[ Shouts .]
[ Gasping, Panting .]
You better run, you dirty thief! - [ Groans .]
- There must be a small fortune in here.
It's our life savings.
Please, just take it and get a doctor.
My husband's hurt real bad.
[ Groaning Continues .]
I wouldn't know where to look.
I would.
I'll get a doctor.
Then at least have the good sense to hide it! That thug could strike at any moment! Here.
I'll show you.
Give me your valuables.
Why? Because, if they're all together, they're easier to hide.
- [ Coughing, Groaning .]
- Come on! He's dyin' already! All right.
[ Sighs .]
Now watch.
dd Na-na-na-na, na-na, na-na dd dd dd Na-na-na-na-na-na-na ddd dd Ba-dum-dum-dum-ba-ba-ba d See how simple? [ Exhales .]
For you.
But I don't happen to own a pair of those.
Then lower your sights.
-[ Groaning .]
- Hurry! Hurry! All right.
Now, go! And don't stop for anything or anybody! Lady, you can count on it.
Oh, I do, Leo.
I really do.
We did it.
Titus will have a fit.
Well, that's nothing compared to what we're taking next.
What's that? [ Xena And Rafe Together .]
Leo.
Great minds-- We just had Leo.
Why didn't we keep him? Because, we don't wanna just defeat Titus -- we wanna destroy him bit by bit.
Now let's get going.
We'll check on Joxer, and then get the last phase underway.
-[ Gabrielle .]
Poor guy.
He's still sleeping.
- Ah, can you blame him? No.
[ Softly .]
No.
If Titus has him, we're finished.
So's Joxer.
According to the acolytes, Joxer was here when they checked him at noon.
It's my fault.
I should've hog-tied him when he asked me to.
Hey, forget it.
You're not to blame.
Blame for what? [ Rafe .]
Joxer's missing.
What? Oh, great.
Of all the stupid, idiotic, imbecilic-- That's what we get, working with amateurs.
You got a problem with us, we'll take it up later.
Right now, we gotta find Joxer and get things back on track.
Right.
We'll check the gaming clubs in case Titus made a grab for him.
Are you crazy? If Titus has him, he's probably spilled his guts by now.
I say we fold the con and blow.
You would like that, wouldn't you? Just make a mess and walk away.
You know, you wanted to do that from the start.
Hey, I didn't make this mess.
Your friend did.
And you two are only making it worse.
All right.
That's enough.
I'll say it is.
We're the best in the business.
What're we doing with these two? I'll tell you.
We're gonna help them find Joxer, then we're gonna make the grab for Leo, and then the con is back into play.
Do you understand? You bet I do.
Let's go.
We'll check the woods.
We'll meet you back at the tavern.
Good luck.
You too.
Man, you'd say anything to win that bet, wouldn't you? Bet's off, Eldon.
Fine! You give me 60 dinars, it's off.
Otherwise, a bet's a bet.
You've never welshed yet, so why start now? Hey, I'm not the one who wants to cut and run.
If we do that, well, even I can't score long-distance.
Maybe you can't score at all.
Maybe that's why you're so willing to bail on this bet.
Who's bailing? I just think we ought to focus on the con.
Wait.
Don't tell me she's turned the tables.
That's it, isn't it? You're falling for the biggest con of all.
You're falling in love.
I can't believe it.
Good, 'cause if you're that big a fool, then I have to start looking for a new partner.
Hey, I know the one who's being played for a sucker, and I sure won't work with any mark who is.
Then you have no problems.
The bet stands? What do you think? [ Xena .]
If Joxer did head for town, five'll get you 10 he's headed this way.
Now you're starting to talk like him.
Who? Who do you think? Rafe.
I thought you liked him.
I did like him at first.
I think that your gut instinct was right.
What changed your mind about him, hmm? I don't trust him, Xena.
Like you said, he is a con man.
A guy like that is always on the make.
This is about that bet, isn't it? Between Rafe and Eldon.
You know about that? Enough to assure you that Rafe knows he can't win.
My guess is he's already called off the bet by now.
Xena, not according to Eldon.
He said that Rafe doubled it.
Well, has it occurred to you that maybe Eldon wanted you to tell me that, so that I wouldn't get anywhere near Rafe? Do you think? [ Leo .]
Let's go, Mr.
Lucky.
[ Grunts .]
Come on! Get up, you wimp! You're my ticket out of the doghouse! [ Groaning, Muffled .]
And I'm the ticket taker.
- [ Kiaiing .]
- Get her! - [ Shouts .]
[ Yells .]
[ Kiaiing .]
[ Yelling, Kiaiing .]
Smart money says you're going down.
[ Grunting .]
[ Xena Grunts .]
[ Leo Grunting Continues .]
Come on.
[ Kiaiing .]
You okay? Mmm.
[ Gasps .]
We'll get Joxer back after I've trussed up Leo for safekeeping.
What then? [ Groaning .]
We take down Titus.
Uh-- Relax.
This is not going to work if you're tense.
I'm not tense.
I'm just concerned about Joxer.
He'll be fine, thanks to you.
All right, now turn around.
Why? Just do it.
Zeus, I'm not gonna knife you in the back.
Not unless it improves the odds.
What? I said, we don't have time for this.
Look, either you wanna take Titus down or not.
Okay.
Huh.
No-o-o, you're not tense.
Hey.
Nah-uh.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Give it a chance.
You know what your problem is? No, but I'll lay odds that you're gonna tell me.
You are taking this con waytoo personal.
[ Bones Crack .]
Joxer's a friend-- that makes it personal.
Wrong.
That makes it important, which is exactly why it's better to stay detached.
Better or safer? Smarter.
Getting involved always blows things.
For you, maybe.
Caring keeps you focused.
Too risky.
I've learned that it's worth it.
I've learned to play it safe.
Well, that is exactly your problem! I don't play safe.
-[ Door Opens .]
- Oops! Excuse me.
Sorry if I was interrupting anything.
She may be good at killing in battle, but I've killed at cards all my life.
Bottom line is-- I play Xena, I win.
So why do I need you? Because you won't be playing Xena-- at least not just Xena.
You'll be up against the best in the business -- a guy named Rafe.
Trust me -- No one can beat them both without a little inside help.
Evening, Titus.
Seems we got a little something you might want back.
Sure do.
That ruby's priceless.
She meant your son.
Oh, did she? And how much is Leo gonna cost me? Plenty.
Here's the deal.
You and me go head-to-head in a single game of cards.
Winner takes all.
- And if I refuse? - You lose Leo for good.
You don't leave me much choice, do you? Good-bye, son.
Pop? [ Crowd Murmuring .]
You wanna use your sword, or do you wanna borrow my dagger? Pop! What're you doing? Calling her bluff.
Do you actually think I'd risk letting you and your friend take everything I have? Don't think I won't kill him.
Think it? Huh.
I know you won't.
Just like I know your whole con, thanks to a little inside information.
- You? - Sorry, partner, but I play to win.
You double-crossing bastard! - [ Groans .]
- No! - Rafe.
- [ Groans .]
Rafe.
[ Whimpers .]
[ Xena .]
I'm sor -- [ Sniffles .]
I didn't realize-- [ Rafe .]
Shh.
Shh.
What did I say about staying detached? [ Groans .]
Gabrielle, help me get him outta here.
Wait.
Where do you think you're going? To honor a friend.
What about our game? There is no game.
You turned me down.
But you still have my ruby, if not my son.
I want it back.
Suffer.
So, you wanted to play when Rafe was alive to help you cheat.
But now that he's gone, you won't play.
That it? It would've been a fair game.
That so? Play me now, or shame your friend by walking away.
Don't listen to him, Xena.
Let's just take Rafe and get out of here.
You want a game? You got it.
- Not now! - Yes, now is the time! For Rafe.
Titus? I'll check to the lady.
Give me three.
Two.
Give me two.
Okay, folks.
Show 'em if you've got 'em.
[ Crowd Murmuring .]
[ Dealer .]
Full boat-- Warlords over heroes.
Uh-uh-uh.
- Four aces.
-[ Crowd Murmuring .]
No-- No, you can't.
You couldn't! That-- Read 'em and weep.
No! [ Crowd Shouting .]
No! Anyone moves, she cashes in for good.
Let her go.
You won't get away.
Who's gonna stop me? You? No.
Him.
[ Shouts .]
[ Shouts .]
- [ Yells .]
- [ Yells .]
-[ Titus .]
Get her! - [ Kiaiing .]
[ Shouting .]
[ Crying Out .]
[ Screaming .]
Let's get outta here.
[ Shouting .]
[ Growls, Groans .]
[ Growling .]
Oh! [ Shouting .]
[ Kiaiing .]
[ Shouts .]
Leaving so soon? Don't bet on it! [ Shouts .]
[ Screams .]
Huh.
Wait a minute.
You died? No.
I pretended to die.
Just like I pretended to switch sides and join Titus.
And that's because-- Aah! Xena knew that Titus would bet everything he had, thinking he couldn't lose once Rafe was dead.
Ohh.
Oh.
Well, wait a minute -- wait a minute.
Okay.
Okay.
You had a gold nugget -- Ah-- Sss.
We'll go over it on the road, huh? Right now we need some more bandages and salve to take with us.
Uh-- You coming? Uh, right behind you.
Wait a minute! Let her go.
You did it! Talk about a brilliant play.
Huh? What do you mean? Using Xena's own con to win the bet! Stroke of genius! [ Chuckles .]
You're the king, Rafe.
You are.
But I didn't.
Uh, what? Win the bet.
Sure you did! I saw you kiss her.
Exactly--Ikissed her.
The bet was thatshewould kiss me, which she didn't.
So I lost.
Uh, in fact, these are yours.
Uh -- No, you don't.
You're setting me up, aren't you? Playing some sort of angle I don't see.
But I will.
And you know why? Because you can't con a con man, Rafe.
Remember that.
Don't even try.
Oop! I -- I'm sorry.
No, I-I-- I'm sorry.
I-- So, are you setting out? That's right.
I just wanted to thank you for all your help.
I know I didn't give you much choice.
Well, you're welcome.
So, maybe we will see each other again sometime? Yeah, maybe.
Well, take care of yourself.
Yeah.
[ Chattering, Indistinct .]
[ Wrestlers Groaning .]
One for the-- [ Cheering .]
I did it again! All right, you sweet beauties.
Come to papa.
Name is Titus.
Great.
Great.
I own the place.
You know, you're really good.
How about we really test your skill? Maybe double your money? That sounds great! Um-- Unfortunately, I'm meeting some friends.
dddd [ Humming .]
Right.
Try that again, and you're a dead man! Hey! I saw it first, pal! Who you calling pal, pal? Hey! Who you shoving? Whoa, whoa.
Hold on a second, fellas! Wait-- Sorry, I just couldn't help overhearing.
Butt out, buddy! Wait a minute.
Maybe I can help.
I said scram! No! Wait! Maybe we could use a third opinion.
See, me and him, we found this gold nugget worth at least, oh, 50 dinars.
The only problem is, neither of us has the money to buy the other one out.
And we don't trust each other to cash it in.
Even going together, he tried to run off with it.
Only after you attempted to swallow it.
You see the problem? [ Chuckles .]
I'd have to be an idiot not to.
Swallowing something like that can be very dangerous.
- Mmm.
-Yes, but the more immediate problem we have is finding someone who has enough money in order to cash out this nugget right here on the spot.
Who walks around with that kind of change, huh? [ Chuckles .]
This is your lucky day.
I just took the gaming house for a hundred dinars.
No kiddin'? Yeah.
Why, if you're serious about helping us out, here's what we'll do.
I'll borrow 50 dinars from you.
Ah -- Uh-- But I'll only keep 25.
I'll use the other 25 to pay you back.
Oh.
That way, we're even.
- Then I give you 25.
You give me the nugget.
- But that shorts me 25 dinars.
- Yeah.
- Uh, no.
'Cause you'll get paid the other Oh.
Then I give you the nugget.
You give me the 50 dinars that it's worth, and we're all square, right? Right.
Wrong.
We're not square until you two clasp hands in the spirit of true fellowship.
Appreciate you making this so easy.
Yeah.
Thanks, friend.
Thank you, sucker.
[ Chuckles .]
Hmm.
Just call me Mr.
Lucky.
What do you think'll happen when he finally figures it out? That he's holding fool's gold? No.
That you took his sword.
[ Xena .]
No, you are not getting off.
Your ankle's too swollen.
I'm telling you Xena.
This sprain is not half as bad as the last one.
The less you're on it, the faster it'll heal.
Besides, when we hook up with Joxer we'll stop and make camp.
It's not like him to be late.
What do you want to bet that he stopped to watch the paint dry, or the grass grow, and he completely forgot? Hmm? Believe me, I know Joxer almost as well as I know you.
And how well is that? Well enough to know what you're thinking most of the time.
Like right now you're thinking, "She thinks she knows me, huh? We'll see about that.
" Easy guess.
Okay.
Now you're thinking, "Oh, wait -- I haven't thought of anything yet.
" Right? And what am I thinking now? You wouldn't dare -- Not to an injured woman.
[ Whinnies .]
[ Men Yelling In Distance .]
Listen.
Come on.
[ Groaning .]
[ Laughing .]
Get up, you piece of sh-- [ Grunts .]
For the last time-- Where's Pop's money? So long, Mr.
Lucky.
Who is it? - [ Man #1 .]
Let's get outta here! -[ Man #2 .]
Come on, Leo! [ Man #1 .]
Who is she? [ Man #2 .]
Come on, man! Is he-- If we can treat him and get him to someplace safe, he stands a chance.
Which is more than I can say for the men who did this to him.
[ Man Narrating .]
In a time of ancient gods -- [ Xena Yells .]
warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.
The power.
The passion.
-The danger.
- [ Kiaiing .]
Her courage will change the world.
Forty-eight, Partners for three years, and still you bet against me? Why is that, Eldon? Law of probability.
See, you're good, and you're lucky, but face it, Rafe, you gotta lose sometime.
Wanna bet? I'll take a piece of that action.
[ Shouts .]
Have we met? Where'd you get that sword? Oh, actually, they say I take after my father in that respect.
The sword on the table! Oh.
That sword.
Found it.
Hey! What do you think you're -- That sword belongs to a friend of mine who was beaten nearly to death.
So, either you start fillin' in some holes, or I start making 'em.
You're a bettin' man.
Care to wager on how long it'll take me to miss? We took it off an easy mark this morning, but I swear, we never touched him.
That sounds more like Titus's style, right, Rafe? Or his son Leo's.
Who are they? Own the local gaming club.
Your friend won big there, but Titus -- he'd rather die than lose.
Or rather see someone else die.
Odds are, they do.
The odds just changed.
- You gonna kill him? - Maybe.
But not before I make him pay for what he did to Joxer.
Come on.
We got work to do.
Unless you'd rather that I hand you over to the authorities.
I hear that they cut out your tongue, brand your arm, and jail you for life.
What do you think? - May we confer? - Make it quick.
All right.
What do you think? You kiddin'? I don't know about you, but my tongue's a vital part of my anatomy.
No, no, no, no.
I-I meant her.
What do you make of her? Trust me, Rafe.
No man can make her.
Oh.
I can.
Thirty dinars says you can't so much as get her to kiss you.
So, what's your answer? You're on.
What do you mean, the money's gone? How could it be gone? He tried telling us he traded it for fool's gold, but nobody's that dumb! Then where is it? I don't know.
Ahh! We were beating it out of him, when this wo-- When someone came along.
We had to run or risk being recognized.
You mean, you left him alive? Barely.
Now, you listen to me, Leo.
I don't care what it takes.
You find him and finish the job, 'cause no one makes a loser out of me.
You got that, Leo? No one.
There you go.
Joxer, I don't know if you can hear me, but, um, stay with us.
I mean, Xena and I, we-we care about you, and-- Uh -- I mean, I know it's kind of hard to tell sometimes.
You're like family to us, s-so don't leave us, okay? [ Footsteps Approaching .]
Still no change? No.
These the guys who conned him? Look, we never laid a finger -- W-W-W-Wait-- She said conned.
You knew that we never beat him.
- She played us for suckers.
Come on.
Let's go.
- Wait a minute! Look at him.
You took his sword-- You left him defenseless.
- How can you just walk away? - Easy.
Watch.
I've got a plan to take Titus for all he's worth.
Help me, and I'll cut you in for half.
- You asking? - I'm offering.
- We're in.
- [ Moaning .]
Hey.
Hey, Joxer.
It's all right.
We're here now.
Shh.
Everything's gonna be all right.
I promise.
Shh, shh, shh.
Get one of the acolytes, quick.
It's okay.
Joxer, lie still.
Come on.
Relax.
[ Gabrielle .]
Joxer, shh.
[ Grunts .]
He needs more arnica.
I'll get another blanket.
[ Mutters .]
Nice come-out.
You've done this before.
- It's been a while.
- Well, that's too bad.
A waste of talent.
I have many skills, most of which I use against people like you.
All right.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the feeling that you don't like me much.
Not true.
I don't like you at all.
[ Shakes Dice .]
You're some kind of friend, teaming up with somebody that you hate, just to set things square for your pal.
Not everybody would do that.
All right, so what do you want from me? Table odds? That's right.
Only don't make it too obvious.
I want to rattle Titus's cage a little -- shake him up.
[ Tosses Dice .]
Seeing what he did to your friend, I do not blame you.
Look, Xena.
I'm sorry, uh, you know, for our part in this.
I swear, we would've never have fleeced your friend had we known how it was gonna go down.
Believe me.
Thanks.
I'll tell you what I believe.
I believe that you bet your buddy that you could score with me, and that this whole line of bull is just you trying to win a bet that you can only lose.
[ Chuckles .]
Hmm.
Let's roll.
[ Man .]
No more bets.
The wheel's spinning.
Place your bets.
All bets down.
[ Man .]
Blue 16 is the winner! [ Xena .]
Lucky nine! Mama needs a new pair of sandals.
Yea! Ah! [ Dealer .]
Shooter stays lucky.
No wonder they call luck a lady, eh, men? -[ Man .]
Place your bets, please, gentlemen.
- [ Mouths Words .]
When you're hot, you're hot.
[ Crowd Cheering .]
Oh! Sorry, boss.
Croup needs a new set of bones.
Think we got a hustler, but we can't suss her out.
[ Titus .]
Okay.
Who's the wench? Which way to the boxing match? [ Chuckles .]
Forty dinars says mine's gonna win.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, oh, could you guys help? Come on, butterfingers.
Pick 'em up! Double down.
All bets down.
Shooter's ready to roll.
What's your pleasure? Easy five.
Come on! -[ Crowd Cheering .]
Oh! - Huh! [ Shouts .]
- She's cheating.
Nobody's that good.
- Okay.
How? Croup's already switched bones twice.
Ready.
Nothin' but fives.
[ Crowd Cheering, Applauding .]
[ Crashing .]
[ Shouts .]
[ Groaning .]
What happened? I don't know.
We heard a crash and came running, but-- Come out, or die where you stand.
[ Laughing .]
You've got a heartbeat to tell me what you're doing in here.
[ Grunts .]
Relax.
Down, boys.
She's taking measurements for my new office.
Your new-- Who in Tartarus are you? The woman who's going to own this place and everything in it.
Those paintings, that statue-- Hmph.
Oh.
Even this pretty little trinket.
Just put that down! Look, that belonged to an empress! How -- Guards! - Think fast, Titus! -Wha-- I got it! [ Yells .]
[ Yells .]
- By the gods, it'd be so easy, just -- - Xena! No.
No, killing's too good for scum like you.
I am gonna take you down piece by piece, till there is nothing left-- Not your club, your money, your pride -- Not even your stinkin' ruby.
I'm gonna take it all, and I'm gonna love every minute of it! [ Gasps, Pants .]
Now, look.
I don't know what your angle is, but everybody's got a price.
What's yours? Everything.
And there's nothing you can do to stop me.
So how did I do? Was that crash loud enough, huh? How about my timing? Perfect.
Phase one and phase two are done.
We've got some money, and, more importantly, we got Titus's attention.
What's next? We gotta move fast.
Rafe and I'll get the disguises.
You watch Joxer while Eldon watches Titus.
As soon as he moves to have Leo stash that ruby-- and he will-- we run the first con.
So, you and Rafe, huh? He's not too bad, is he? You mean for someone who makes his money cheating others out of theirs? Yeah, he's a prince.
I didn't say he was perfect.
But you saw him with Joxer, and you have to admit he's smart.
And he's funny, he's handsome.
Arrogant and self-centered.
Your typical bad boy.
Just your type.
[ Horse Neighing .]
Argh! What do ya think? Holy Hera.
We're pushing time.
You got a problem? - Uh-- Uh, clearly not.
- Good.
Then give me that hat.
What do you say? Or else? You're welcome.
So, youalwaysthis focused? That's right.
You always this nosy, huh? Not anymore.
No, I won't let ya.
If anyone's going after Titus, it's gonna be me.
Joxer, if Leo or Titus saw you, they'd kill you.
Not if I saw 'em first.
What are you gonna do, bleed on them? Now make sense.
- Joxer! Lay still, or I'll restrain you! -[ Sighs .]
Joxer, swear to me that you'll lay still and forget about Titus.
We'll take care of him.
I promise.
[ Sighs .]
You-- [ Sighs .]
idiot.
Why didn't you tell me this before? Oh, come on, Pop.
I thought you'd get mad at me for-for running away from a woman -- even one like Xena.
- You're right.
- [ Groans .]
So, she's a friend of this little pissant, is she? Gotta be.
I've looked everywhere for him.
She must have him hidden.
Then keep looking.
We find this Joxer.
We've got a card to play against her.
But first, I want you to do something very important for me.
[ Metal Clinking .]
Hey! [ Both Groaning .]
What are you doin' here? Joxer fell asleep.
I thought you could use a break.
Hmm, not me.
But your friend's headed for one.
Xena? Headed for what? Heartbreak, if she doesn't watch out.
We are talking about Xena, right? [ Chuckles .]
Joke if you want, but when a guy like Rafe doubles the bet we got on it, I'd say he's feeling pretty confident.
Doubles what bet? Did you and he-- It's showtime.
[ Gabrielle .]
Help! Somebody help! Please! [ Rafe Groans .]
[ Shouts .]
[ Gasping, Panting .]
You better run, you dirty thief! - [ Groans .]
- There must be a small fortune in here.
It's our life savings.
Please, just take it and get a doctor.
My husband's hurt real bad.
[ Groaning Continues .]
I wouldn't know where to look.
I would.
I'll get a doctor.
Then at least have the good sense to hide it! That thug could strike at any moment! Here.
I'll show you.
Give me your valuables.
Why? Because, if they're all together, they're easier to hide.
- [ Coughing, Groaning .]
- Come on! He's dyin' already! All right.
[ Sighs .]
Now watch.
dd Na-na-na-na, na-na, na-na dd dd dd Na-na-na-na-na-na-na ddd dd Ba-dum-dum-dum-ba-ba-ba d See how simple? [ Exhales .]
For you.
But I don't happen to own a pair of those.
Then lower your sights.
-[ Groaning .]
- Hurry! Hurry! All right.
Now, go! And don't stop for anything or anybody! Lady, you can count on it.
Oh, I do, Leo.
I really do.
We did it.
Titus will have a fit.
Well, that's nothing compared to what we're taking next.
What's that? [ Xena And Rafe Together .]
Leo.
Great minds-- We just had Leo.
Why didn't we keep him? Because, we don't wanna just defeat Titus -- we wanna destroy him bit by bit.
Now let's get going.
We'll check on Joxer, and then get the last phase underway.
-[ Gabrielle .]
Poor guy.
He's still sleeping.
- Ah, can you blame him? No.
[ Softly .]
No.
If Titus has him, we're finished.
So's Joxer.
According to the acolytes, Joxer was here when they checked him at noon.
It's my fault.
I should've hog-tied him when he asked me to.
Hey, forget it.
You're not to blame.
Blame for what? [ Rafe .]
Joxer's missing.
What? Oh, great.
Of all the stupid, idiotic, imbecilic-- That's what we get, working with amateurs.
You got a problem with us, we'll take it up later.
Right now, we gotta find Joxer and get things back on track.
Right.
We'll check the gaming clubs in case Titus made a grab for him.
Are you crazy? If Titus has him, he's probably spilled his guts by now.
I say we fold the con and blow.
You would like that, wouldn't you? Just make a mess and walk away.
You know, you wanted to do that from the start.
Hey, I didn't make this mess.
Your friend did.
And you two are only making it worse.
All right.
That's enough.
I'll say it is.
We're the best in the business.
What're we doing with these two? I'll tell you.
We're gonna help them find Joxer, then we're gonna make the grab for Leo, and then the con is back into play.
Do you understand? You bet I do.
Let's go.
We'll check the woods.
We'll meet you back at the tavern.
Good luck.
You too.
Man, you'd say anything to win that bet, wouldn't you? Bet's off, Eldon.
Fine! You give me 60 dinars, it's off.
Otherwise, a bet's a bet.
You've never welshed yet, so why start now? Hey, I'm not the one who wants to cut and run.
If we do that, well, even I can't score long-distance.
Maybe you can't score at all.
Maybe that's why you're so willing to bail on this bet.
Who's bailing? I just think we ought to focus on the con.
Wait.
Don't tell me she's turned the tables.
That's it, isn't it? You're falling for the biggest con of all.
You're falling in love.
I can't believe it.
Good, 'cause if you're that big a fool, then I have to start looking for a new partner.
Hey, I know the one who's being played for a sucker, and I sure won't work with any mark who is.
Then you have no problems.
The bet stands? What do you think? [ Xena .]
If Joxer did head for town, five'll get you 10 he's headed this way.
Now you're starting to talk like him.
Who? Who do you think? Rafe.
I thought you liked him.
I did like him at first.
I think that your gut instinct was right.
What changed your mind about him, hmm? I don't trust him, Xena.
Like you said, he is a con man.
A guy like that is always on the make.
This is about that bet, isn't it? Between Rafe and Eldon.
You know about that? Enough to assure you that Rafe knows he can't win.
My guess is he's already called off the bet by now.
Xena, not according to Eldon.
He said that Rafe doubled it.
Well, has it occurred to you that maybe Eldon wanted you to tell me that, so that I wouldn't get anywhere near Rafe? Do you think? [ Leo .]
Let's go, Mr.
Lucky.
[ Grunts .]
Come on! Get up, you wimp! You're my ticket out of the doghouse! [ Groaning, Muffled .]
And I'm the ticket taker.
- [ Kiaiing .]
- Get her! - [ Shouts .]
[ Yells .]
[ Kiaiing .]
[ Yelling, Kiaiing .]
Smart money says you're going down.
[ Grunting .]
[ Xena Grunts .]
[ Leo Grunting Continues .]
Come on.
[ Kiaiing .]
You okay? Mmm.
[ Gasps .]
We'll get Joxer back after I've trussed up Leo for safekeeping.
What then? [ Groaning .]
We take down Titus.
Uh-- Relax.
This is not going to work if you're tense.
I'm not tense.
I'm just concerned about Joxer.
He'll be fine, thanks to you.
All right, now turn around.
Why? Just do it.
Zeus, I'm not gonna knife you in the back.
Not unless it improves the odds.
What? I said, we don't have time for this.
Look, either you wanna take Titus down or not.
Okay.
Huh.
No-o-o, you're not tense.
Hey.
Nah-uh.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Give it a chance.
You know what your problem is? No, but I'll lay odds that you're gonna tell me.
You are taking this con waytoo personal.
[ Bones Crack .]
Joxer's a friend-- that makes it personal.
Wrong.
That makes it important, which is exactly why it's better to stay detached.
Better or safer? Smarter.
Getting involved always blows things.
For you, maybe.
Caring keeps you focused.
Too risky.
I've learned that it's worth it.
I've learned to play it safe.
Well, that is exactly your problem! I don't play safe.
-[ Door Opens .]
- Oops! Excuse me.
Sorry if I was interrupting anything.
She may be good at killing in battle, but I've killed at cards all my life.
Bottom line is-- I play Xena, I win.
So why do I need you? Because you won't be playing Xena-- at least not just Xena.
You'll be up against the best in the business -- a guy named Rafe.
Trust me -- No one can beat them both without a little inside help.
Evening, Titus.
Seems we got a little something you might want back.
Sure do.
That ruby's priceless.
She meant your son.
Oh, did she? And how much is Leo gonna cost me? Plenty.
Here's the deal.
You and me go head-to-head in a single game of cards.
Winner takes all.
- And if I refuse? - You lose Leo for good.
You don't leave me much choice, do you? Good-bye, son.
Pop? [ Crowd Murmuring .]
You wanna use your sword, or do you wanna borrow my dagger? Pop! What're you doing? Calling her bluff.
Do you actually think I'd risk letting you and your friend take everything I have? Don't think I won't kill him.
Think it? Huh.
I know you won't.
Just like I know your whole con, thanks to a little inside information.
- You? - Sorry, partner, but I play to win.
You double-crossing bastard! - [ Groans .]
- No! - Rafe.
- [ Groans .]
Rafe.
[ Whimpers .]
[ Xena .]
I'm sor -- [ Sniffles .]
I didn't realize-- [ Rafe .]
Shh.
Shh.
What did I say about staying detached? [ Groans .]
Gabrielle, help me get him outta here.
Wait.
Where do you think you're going? To honor a friend.
What about our game? There is no game.
You turned me down.
But you still have my ruby, if not my son.
I want it back.
Suffer.
So, you wanted to play when Rafe was alive to help you cheat.
But now that he's gone, you won't play.
That it? It would've been a fair game.
That so? Play me now, or shame your friend by walking away.
Don't listen to him, Xena.
Let's just take Rafe and get out of here.
You want a game? You got it.
- Not now! - Yes, now is the time! For Rafe.
Titus? I'll check to the lady.
Give me three.
Two.
Give me two.
Okay, folks.
Show 'em if you've got 'em.
[ Crowd Murmuring .]
[ Dealer .]
Full boat-- Warlords over heroes.
Uh-uh-uh.
- Four aces.
-[ Crowd Murmuring .]
No-- No, you can't.
You couldn't! That-- Read 'em and weep.
No! [ Crowd Shouting .]
No! Anyone moves, she cashes in for good.
Let her go.
You won't get away.
Who's gonna stop me? You? No.
Him.
[ Shouts .]
[ Shouts .]
- [ Yells .]
- [ Yells .]
-[ Titus .]
Get her! - [ Kiaiing .]
[ Shouting .]
[ Crying Out .]
[ Screaming .]
Let's get outta here.
[ Shouting .]
[ Growls, Groans .]
[ Growling .]
Oh! [ Shouting .]
[ Kiaiing .]
[ Shouts .]
Leaving so soon? Don't bet on it! [ Shouts .]
[ Screams .]
Huh.
Wait a minute.
You died? No.
I pretended to die.
Just like I pretended to switch sides and join Titus.
And that's because-- Aah! Xena knew that Titus would bet everything he had, thinking he couldn't lose once Rafe was dead.
Ohh.
Oh.
Well, wait a minute -- wait a minute.
Okay.
Okay.
You had a gold nugget -- Ah-- Sss.
We'll go over it on the road, huh? Right now we need some more bandages and salve to take with us.
Uh-- You coming? Uh, right behind you.
Wait a minute! Let her go.
You did it! Talk about a brilliant play.
Huh? What do you mean? Using Xena's own con to win the bet! Stroke of genius! [ Chuckles .]
You're the king, Rafe.
You are.
But I didn't.
Uh, what? Win the bet.
Sure you did! I saw you kiss her.
Exactly--Ikissed her.
The bet was thatshewould kiss me, which she didn't.
So I lost.
Uh, in fact, these are yours.
Uh -- No, you don't.
You're setting me up, aren't you? Playing some sort of angle I don't see.
But I will.
And you know why? Because you can't con a con man, Rafe.
Remember that.
Don't even try.
Oop! I -- I'm sorry.
No, I-I-- I'm sorry.
I-- So, are you setting out? That's right.
I just wanted to thank you for all your help.
I know I didn't give you much choice.
Well, you're welcome.
So, maybe we will see each other again sometime? Yeah, maybe.
Well, take care of yourself.
Yeah.