Xena: Warrior Princess s03e18 Episode Script

Ooh.
dddd [ Headphones: Dance .]
Whoo! Uh-huh, uh-huh.
dddd [ Off .]
[ Sighs .]
Let's see what I got today.
Need it, got it, hate it.
[ Sighs .]
Can always hock it.
Grody! [ Scoffs .]
Why do these mortal types always give me fish? I hate fish! [ Maecenus .]
This way.
Aphrodite.
It is my honor to be able to-- Yadda, yadda, yadda.
Did you get it or not? So this is the Mystic Diamond, Huh? Nice one.
Ooh.
Too bad I can't keep it.
-What? Then why did I just-- - Duh! It's a star from the night sky.
I gotta show this off.
This little baby is destined to become the center of my constellation.
[ Chuckles .]
Now, take it to my priest in Parnassus.
He's gonna shoot it into the night sky for me.
I'll put it up there for you right now, most beautiful of goddesses.
Tie your gem on my arrow so my shaft can bring you satisfaction.
[ Giggles .]
I do believe your sweaty, smelly leader is flirting with the Goddess of Love.
You don't have the thrust.
Besides, my guy in Parnassus has better equipment, and he knows the right time to shoot.
It's got something to do with some astrological stuff that gives me a headache.
Now go to Parnassus.
Gotta be there by nightfall.
Yes, my goddess.
There's just one small problem.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Xena and her pesky posse is right behind ya.
Don't sweat it.
I got you covered.
I call it "Obsession.
" One whiff, and whatever you're thinking about at that minute turns into an overwhelming obsession.
Cool, huh? [ Door Opens .]
Now go.
Uh, out the back door.
[ Maecenus .]
This way.
Let's go.
How could Aphrodite steal the North Star? She stole the Mystic Diamond from the Temple of the Heavens.
Unless we get its powers back before nightfall, the North Star will go out, and the world will be in for some serious turmoil.
You mean, things that go bump in the night really will go bump in the night? All travelers on land and sea look to the North Star as a guide.
The Mystic Diamond's powers will keep it shining.
Xena, there's no sign of Maecenus.
Let's look around and see if they stashed it someplace.
Check over here.
[ Chuckles .]
What's this? That's the story of Attus, the ape-man and the Princess Gaea.
Hmm.
It's a beautiful love story.
Mmm.
Ape-man.
That's not humanly possible.
Sure, it is.
They say that the paintings of women in Aphrodite's temple represent her many faces, right? But based on this, I'd have to say that she's pretty full of herself.
Oh, really? Pretty.
They're probably headed for Parnassus.
The priest there is an expert astrologer.
Who knows what stupid thing Aphrodite would want him to do with it? Nice! Double dose for you, warrior babe.
A walleye.
[ Giggles .]
Big mistake.
You're never getting that smell off your hands now.
I've got it.
I know what to do.
The North Star is on the verge of extinction.
The fate of the whole world lies in our hands.
We've got no choice.
We're going fishing.
[ Man Narrating .]
In a time of ancient gods -- [ Xena Yells .]
warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.
The power.
The passion.
-The danger.
- [ Kiaiing .]
Her courage will change the world.
[ Gabrielle .]
It's beautiful, absolutely beautiful.
Don't you think it's beautiful? - The way it dips and curves.
-It's not supposed to dip and curve.
-The parchment has to stay still out there.
- "Parchment"? Uh, no.
The cloud behind it.
Don't you think it looks like my nose? The way it dips down and has that cute little curve to the side.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look, that clip is supposed to release when you tug on that line.
Go on.
Grab it.
Mm-hmm.
Waste of my time.
Go ahead.
Very funny.
Fortunately, I have a brilliant sense of humor.
Gabrielle! [ Scoffs .]
Xena, if you think I'm gonna waste my time jumping up and down for flying parchment-- It is not a waste of time.
I'm trying to test-- Oh.
Oh.
[ Chuckles .]
Excuse me.
I -- I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable.
"Uncomfortable"? Me? What are you talking about? You know, about your, uh, your little problem.
Your height.
You want me to catch your little silly clip, do ya? Fine.
I'll show you height.
[ Shouts .]
Got it.
Now what? [ Groaning .]
Ow! Needs some minor adjustments.
I can make them up at the lake.
-[ Sniffing .]
-Hey.
Is that Joxer? [ Joxer .]
Mmm.
Bug.
That is so disgusting.
Xena, he's been acting very strange.
I don't think we should be seen in public with him.
He's acting strange because something happened to him at the temple.
Aphrodite must've put some kind of a spell on him.
Now he's obsessed with that silly story about the ape-man.
You know, you've got the obsession thing too.
Excuse me? Oh, yeah.
What am I obsessed with? You.
Your opinion of yourself is flying higher than my parchment.
That's ridiculous.
Xena, my opinion of myself has not changed one iota since-- Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Lookin' good.
Yeah.
All right.
Um, if we're all obsessed with something, what about you? What are you obsessed with? That's the good news.
I haven't been affected by the spell, so I can still take care of business.
So let's fish.
Joxer.
- [ Grunts .]
- Move it.
And bring some of whatever it is you're eating.
It might be good bait.
Okay.
[ Gabrielle .]
I still don't see why we didn't bring Argo.
I'm getting calluses-- perfect calluses.
I let Argo roam free for a while.
I need to concentrate totally on the mission at hand.
Is that the diamond? Yeah, and the diamond.
You know, Xena, I've been thinking of rewriting the scroll.
Whatever.
It just doesn't have a point of view.
It needs more verve, more character, more -- more of me.
It doesn't sing to me like this.
Actually, it's a great idea.
A scroll should be sung, not told.
dd Well, listen to my story about Gabrielle dd dd A cute little gal that's lookin' really swell dd dd Perfect hair Such a lovely lass dd dd Nice round breasts and a firm, young-- dddd Are you out of your mind? Too loud? Are you worried we're gonna get there, and the fish will be gone? I'm worried we're gonna get there, and the fish will be armed.
Oh! Oh! It's just the way I remember it.
Amazing.
It really is.
It's just wonderful.
It's flawless.
I feel right at home here.
This is the ultimate fantasy.
I am the ultimate fantasy.
[ Mumbles .]
A hundred and five, a hundred and six.
What are we doing here? - Just gonna alter the landscape a little.
-A hundred and eight.
Why? You remember the Mystic Diamond? Mm-hmm.
Aphrodite thinks that what's happened to you and Joxer is gonna make me forget about it.
But, no, I'm gonna get it back.
And while I'm at it, there's nothing wrong with getting in a little fishing.
What does that have to do with the diamond? This.
It's gonna cause an avalanche in the canyon.
That'll force Aphrodite's henchmen to detour around the lake.
[ Grunting .]
[ Chuckles .]
There.
That ought to do it.
Now it's time for a little fun.
[ Chittering .]
Come on! A hundred and-- One, two, three-- This is gonna be the best thing of your young lives.
Come on, Gabrielle.
Let's get wet! [ Chuckles .]
Come on, Gabrielle.
Get your gear off.
[ Chuckles .]
You'd like that, wouldn't you? [ Grunts .]
No, I'm sorry, Joxer.
If I take off my clothes, I could kill you.
[ Sniffing .]
Beauty can do that.
Did I just say that? Is Xena right? Have I gone too far? Am I obsessed with myself? No! What's not to like? Right? [ Groans .]
[ Grunting .]
Oh, Gabrielle! Come here.
I want to show you something.
You're gonna have to show me from here.
This little minx is staying on dry land.
[ Grunting Continues .]
Xena? [ Laughing .]
You have a fish wrapped around your finger.
[ Cackles .]
[ Squealing .]
Gabrielle, I forgot how much fun this is.
Come on.
- Give it a try.
It's easy.
- What do you do? All you have to do is stick your hand underneath the water and feel around till you find a great, big succulent fish.
And then you do this.
You wiggle your fingers so it looks like bait.
- And whammo! - You punch it in the face.
Why would I want to do that? Because it's fun! Right.
Ramming my fist down the throat of an innocent little fish.
- It's not my idea of fun.
- Well, don't knock it till you've tried it.
[ Fish Squealing .]
Twins! [ Laughing .]
Got ya, got ya, and I'm gonna eat ya.
Hey, Gabrielle, why don't you give it a try, huh? I'm gonna go gut these.
She wants me to fist a fish? I can barely say it, much less do it.
[ Chuckles .]
Xena, you just don't realize how primitive you really are.
[ Grunting .]
She just doesn't appreciate the truly great work of art that I am.
[ Grunting Continues .]
And who is that that I see before my eyes? Oh, yeah.
Wiggly food.
Okay.
You take care of these.
I'm gonna start a fire.
[ Grunting .]
Ah.
Ah.
I, Attus, King of Trout and ruler of its people.
I set you free.
I-- Huh? [ Babbling .]
[ Laughing .]
You tell good joke, trout brother.
But now I must have tribute.
Go.
Swim.
Be free.
Go! Go! You listen to me, monkey-man.
If you ever do that again, you'll find my fist down your throat! Gabrielle and I didn't come-- Gabrielle! Gabrielle! Gabrielle! Where is she? Gabrielle! Gabrielle! I'm coming! Hang on! - Gabrielle! - [ Huffs .]
Gabrielle! [ Grunting .]
Not the lips.
Please! They chap so easily.
Just what were you doing out there? I was-- Oh! I was trying to kiss my reflection in the water.
I couldn't resist it.
I leaned over, and I tried to press my lips-- And you fell in.
Any fish down there? It was like my reflection embraced me.
I sank into it.
I was surrounded by it.
And then you pulled me up, and I looked into your eyes, and, Xena, I finally realized there can only be one person for me in my life.
Well-- Me! Hey, I let you save me.
[ Grunting .]
Oh, my! Where's my brush? - Joxer? - [ Grunts .]
Can you hear me? [ Grunting .]
You mighty man, monkey.
- Mmm! - She-monkey need you.
[ Soft Grunt .]
Good.
Here's the problem.
Aphrodite has enchanted you.
That's obvious.
Xena thinks that I've been enchanted, but I haven't.
- [ Grunts .]
- [ Sighs .]
- I'm really worried about her.
- [ Gulps .]
You see, I've never seen her so focused on fishing before.
Joxer-- [ Grunting, Hooting .]
Have you understood anything that I've said? - [ Grunts .]
- Great.
That's okay.
[ Hoots .]
Me love Attus! Me love him! I'll just use my superior intelligence-- Me love him! [ Chittering .]
And overall good judgment in all situations to handle this.
- Zug-zug.
- Hmm? - Zug-zug now! - Mmm! - [ Screaming .]
- [ Grunting .]
I'll speak with Xena.
[ Grunting Continues .]
[ Chuckling .]
Cut it out, Xena.
Lyceus, I've got a bite! Wow! Look, Lyceus! It's Solaris! [ Gabrielle .]
Xena! I have something really important I need to speak to you about.
Do these boots work with this skirt? [ Gasps .]
Ow! You cut my hair? Uh-huh.
My little golden fleece.
It's perfect.
Of course it's perfect.
It'smyhair.
And the color is gonna work just beautifully with this.
A bent nail? You cut my hair to put a wig on a bent nail? It is not a bent nail.
It's a hook.
I disguise it with your hair, attach it to my flying parchment, and we got him.
Who's "him"? Solaris.
Who's Solaris? A fish that Lyceus and I discovered when we were kids.
He's wily, Gabrielle.
He's smart, he's cunning, he's a great opponent.
Every time that Lyceus or I would catch him, he would find a way to escape.
But this time, no.
Well, that's fine, except for one thing.
What's that? You are not sacrificing my hair for a fish.
Thanks.
It really is amazing how much like Lyceus's hair it is.
I'm sure Solaris will go for it.
I've gotta make him think that he's alone.
Hmm.
A regular fishing pole won't cut it.
Nope.
We gotta reduce line drag.
That's why when we attack, we do it from the air.
Xena, why don't I just find some local villagers? I'll lure them in with my eloquent speech, snap my fingers, and you can have any fish that you want.
No one catches Solaris but me.
Hmm.
Do you ever get the feeling that we're forgetting something really important? That diamond thing.
The diamond.
You see, your obsession keeps you from remembering very important things.
My obsession? You can't see the fish for the lake.
We only have a very limited time to get the Mystic Diamond back.
Remember that.
So what do you wanna do? Track these guys down? Before we catch Solaris? Are you out of your mind? [ Maecenus .]
This wasn't here before.
There must've been an avalanche.
Your talents are wasted as a thug.
You should've been an astronomer.
I don't know anything about rocks.
All right! We'll have to make detour up around the lake.
Higher.
This okay? Gabrielle, higher, please.
For cryin' out loud.
All right.
Now let her go! Gabrielle! Okay, this time the clip should work.
Give it a pull.
[ Yells .]
It worked! It really worked! What worked? Trying to overshadow my dynamic personality with some mud? Has that been the point to all this? Huh? It's beginning to make sense.
Fishing.
Solaris.
Right.
Now I understand.
Understand what? - You're jealous of me.
- That's ridiculous.
All this time, Xena, I've tried to let it go.
You know? And it hasn't been easy.
I have tried to be humble with you, but you've pushed me too far.
I-- Look.
No.
Don't.
[ Scoffs .]
I haven't seen this diamond.
Yes, you say that it's stolen, and I took your word for it.
But you bring me here, where no one can appreciate my radiance.
No one.
No competition for you.
No.
And Solaris, the fish? Please.
I brought you here 'cause I thought we could enjoy a good day's fishing together.
There's no such thing as a good day's fishing.
A day without fish is good.
You know, you sounded just like my brother, Lyceus then.
He used to argue with me about fishing.
Said he hated it, but I could tell he had the same fire in his eyes that you and I've got.
Uh-uh.
Unless your brother was an Adonis, he and I are nothing alike.
Isn't there anyone here who can appreciate my specialness? [ Yelling .]
I Attus.
Attus appreciate.
Joxer? Don't speak.
Attus take you as bride.
[ Bird Call, Chittering .]
- [ Howling .]
-[ Gabrielle .]
Joxer! [ Xena .]
Finally, a little peace and quiet.
[ Laughs .]
[ Hooting .]
Put me down! Stop! Put me-- Stop! Joxer, are you mad? [ Grunts .]
Let me go! Please, I'm getting dirty.
[ Gasping .]
Gaea like Attus? Attus is quite a surprise.
Mmm.
Here.
Put something on.
Please? Attus pleasure you with much furious zug-zug first.
[ Shouts .]
Mmm.
What's this? Oh, no, no, no, no.
Mine.
A garment of this quality can only adorn a perfect body.
Put it on, quick.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm, it's soft, like baby monkey.
[ Cooing .]
What? Gabrielle! Monkey-man, you bring her back! You know, you two are beginning to irritate me with these obsessions of yours! Fish don't just catch themselves! [ Grunting .]
Attus! Attus, unhand me, you beast! [ Attus .]
Mmm! Mmm.
Bride want food? No, thank you.
I had a late breakfast.
Mmm.
Then, now zug-zug.
I could do with a few ants.
Mmm! Mmm.
[ Xena .]
Gabrielle! Gabrielle! She's come for me.
I knew she would.
Where are you? She can't live without me for a minute.
Gabrielle! Not that I could blame her.
Then, now I take you next to raging river, where for three moons we make furious zug-zug.
[ Hooting .]
No! I don't like this! [ Bird Calls .]
[ Chittering, Howls .]
[ Xena .]
Gabrielle! Ah! [ Grunting .]
Great white monkey, Xena, come for Princess Gaea.
Animals! Animals of the jungle, listen to me! - Billy goats, form ramming positions! - [ Bleating .]
- Elephants, suck water from great river for moat! - [ Trumpeting .]
Great eagle, come down and collect me so that I may swoop down upon her! [ Twitters .]
Come down and collect me so that I may swoop down upon her! [ Soft Growl .]
- [ Bleating .]
- [ Yawning .]
[ Whimpers .]
Damn you, you ungrateful animals! Come on! Where'd she go? [ Screaming .]
[ High-Pitched Voice .]
Attus glad that over.
[ Grunting .]
[ Groaning .]
[ Xena Kiaiing .]
You saved me! Xena, the world will thank you for rescuing such an unrivaled beauty.
Your name will be legendary, like Gabrielle the Great, Gabrielle of Troy.
[ Grunts .]
Here, fishy, fishy, fishy.
Our Lady Gabrielle.
Gabrielle of the Nile.
Wait, there's more.
[ Groans .]
Gabrielle of Olympia.
Gabrielle and the Four Seasons.
What are you doing? Oh, I'm just highlighting perfection with some berry juice.
Yeah, looks good on you.
Only they're not berries.
They're crushed bugs I was using for bait.
[ Spitting .]
Gabrielle, uh, you know that diamond we were looking for earlier? Diamond? Was that today? Yes.
I've never seen it, but I heard that it's, uh, it's perfect just like you.
I'm glad you could finally admit that, Xena.
You know, it must've been difficult for you.
I realize the envy that I inspire.
[ Clicks Tongue .]
Right.
That's why Aphrodite wanted it.
I know that now.
What do you mean? She thinks of herself as the perfect female -- immortal or otherwise.
She thinks that she's the perfect female? She obviously thought that the perfect diamond was something she should be wearing.
It's like a badge, announcing her as the most beautiful creature in the universe.
Let's go, Xena.
Where? To get the diamond.
If it's perfection, I should possess it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I feel a bite coming on.
But Maecenus should be passing by this lake soon.
Uh, maybe you-- [ Man .]
And he says, "Your sandal? I thought that was my dinner.
" I don't get it.
His sandal.
-I thought -- I don't get it.
- He ate it, 'cause he thought it was his, you know.
-When he kicked it off his foot, the sandal -- and it landed-- -I don't get it.
[ Yodeling .]
[ Blows Landing .]
You go, Gabrielle! [ Blows Landing .]
You're beautiful when you're angry.
[ Shouting .]
[ Shouts .]
Got it! [ Laughs .]
After her! [ Joxer Grunting .]
Joxer-- [ Grunts .]
I mean, Attus, come here.
[ Hooting .]
You want the princess, right? Attus want.
You need the princess, right? Attus need.
[ Grunting .]
Well, here's what you do.
Give us the diamond! [ Maecenus .]
This way.
We got her now.
Hold it, boys.
[ Sighs .]
Do you think I'm not used to men chasing me? Same old story.
I can't believe I'm beginning to chafe.
Okay, look.
I'm sure that even people of your ilk can appreciate perfection, right? Sure, we can.
Kill her! Kill her! That's funny.
You're trapped.
Give us the diamond, and we'll make sure your loved ones can identify the body.
- This body? - Mmm.
Are you insane? Have you no understanding of absolute, inviolate cuddliness? Guess not.
- Xena! -dddd [ Xena Whistling .]
Xena! dddd [ Whistling Continues .]
I don't want to break a nail.
[ Joxer Hooting .]
[ Yelling .]
After her! Up the wall? Are you a mountain climber? No.
Well, then, this way.
[ Chittering, Howling .]
Joxer, you saved me.
Mmm.
Now time for zug-zug.
Huh? No, no! [ Gasps .]
Ah! Bird brother.
Go.
Fly.
Tell your people of Attus, the ape-man.
Bring tribute.
Go.
Fly.
[ Bird Squawks .]
Joxer, swing! El swingo! Mmm, Attus not afraid.
Attus king of jungle.
Hmm? [ High-Pitched Voice .]
Attus renounce throne.
[ Chittering .]
[ Gasps .]
Solaris! [ Gabrielle .]
Xena! [ Maecenus Shouts .]
Xena! Xena, catch! Leave the diamond, little girl.
Don't make me kill you.
You're new around here, right? [ Shouts .]
[ Grunts .]
[ Shouting .]
[ Shouts .]
[ Grunting .]
- [ Shouts .]
- [ Groans .]
[ Both Shouting .]
Xena, forget about Solaris, please! Never! After all this time? Never! [ Shouting .]
[ Shouting .]
[ Grunts, Groans .]
My dress is wrinkling.
He's gone.
[ Grunting .]
[ Chittering .]
I just get tribute from brother hippo.
He got away, huh? Yeah, but it worked.
Everything worked beautifully, Gabrielle, except-- He still got away.
Now give me the diamond.
It's beautiful.
Mmm.
You were right to think that only I should wear that.
Are you gonna give it to me? I got an idea.
So what are you doing? I'm sending the North Star back to the heavens before nightfall.
Hopefully the power of the Mystic Diamond will help guide it home.
- But it's mine! - Well, just think, Gabrielle.
Every time people look up into the night sky and see that perfect star, they'll think of you.
- Hmm.
- It'll be a symbol of your beauty for all time to come.
It is too bad that the people can't see the real thing.
Guess a symbol of it will have to do.
Fire away! What are you waiting for? You'll see.
Xena, you're not going to use my diamond as bait, are you? It's just crazy enough to work.
[ Screaming .]
I think you just put a fish in the heavens.
I dedicate this fish to Lyceus.
Are you okay? I was obsessed with fishing, wasn't I? Sorry, Xena, but I really don't pay that much attention to you.
I have much more important things to do with my time.
I just realized what it was that was driving my obsession.
It's not fishing.
It's all the unresolved business between me and my brother.
I felt like I still owed him something.
The minute I acknowledged it, I was out from under its spell.
Ah.
I just love the way my eyes glow in the sunlight.
Gabrielle, there's something that's bothering you that you need to get in touch with.
You're right.
These boots don't work with this skirt.
No, Gabrielle.
Think.
There's something about yourself that you're not satisfied with.
Other than the fact that no one gives me credit for anything, and everyone thinks I'm a silly sidekick? Now I've got this headache.
Well, you're back to normal now.
From now on, I'm gonna make sure you get a lot more credit for the things you do.
That's a promise.
Thanks.
Insight released us from the spell.
That's all it took.
Let's get out of here.
Come on.
[ Gabrielle .]
Yeah, it definitely looks like a fish.
But which one's the North Star? The big one.
Mmm.
It's a good thing you figured out all that insight stuff.
Who knows how long we'd be under that spell? I couldn't have done it without you.
The only reason I do any good at all in this world is because I do it with you.
You make an important contribution every day.
I'm gonna make sure that people know that from now on.
You don't have to do that.
But it's nice to be reminded that you feel that way.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Grunting .]
I think you still need to do something about Joxer.
[ Grunting Continues .]
Tomorrow.