Yes Minister (1980) s01e01 Episode Script
Open Government
At Birmingham East, the Returning Officer is declaring the result.
James George Hacker: 21,793.
Arthur William Gaunt: 19,321.
So Jim Hacker's back, and after many years as a Shadow Minister seems almost certain to get a post in the new Government.
- I haven't had a call yet.
- Who from? - Our new Prime Minister.
- What do you expect? The car's only just got back from the Palace.
Any moment now, then.
So who was on the phone? Frank Wiesel.
He's coming right over.
Why doesn't he just move in? Annie, he's my political adviser.
- I depend on him.
- Why don't you marry him? Darling, you do over- react to everything, so.
Here we are! Jim Hacker yes.
Oh, it's you.
Yes, was a good party.
Yes, I've got a bit of a headache I will ring you back.
I'm waiting for a rather important call bye bye.
Alderman Spottiswood.
I wish people wouldn't ring to congratulate me.
I'm waiting for the call.
It's as if you're about to enter the Ministry.
Yes, but which Ministry, that's the point.
It was a joke! Oh, I see.
- Are you very tense? - No, I'm not.
A politician's wife is not allowed to.
A happy carefree politician's wife.
- What are you looking for? - A cigarette.
Try the cigarette box.
- It's empty.
- Take a librium.
I can't find it, that's why I'm looking fora cigarette.
Oh, Jim, I've had it.
Would you pop out and get some? Sorry, I daren't leave the phone.
If the PM wants you to be in the cabinet, he'll phone back.
Or you can phone back.
I ran the campaign against the PM for the leadership.
- If I'm out, well, who knows.
- I could take a message.
Thank goodness for conventional forces! They would hold the Russians for at most 72 hours.
Oh, it's you Michael I haven't had a call, have you? Bill's had a call? What's he got? Europe? - Bill's got Europe.
- Lucky Europe.
- Does Bill speak French? - He can hardly speak English.
I'll call you back if I hear anything.
Right Bye.
Fingers crossed.
Hello Yes, speaking The Gas Board.
Good Lord man, that was weeks ago.
I'm waiting fora rather important call Look, there happened to be a general election yesterday You voted for the other side, did you? How did you get to the polling booth on the right day? With two assistants, three return visits for spare parts? Look, Mr.
Franklin Frankly Franklin, I don't care if the heating system collapses in ruins.
I've got to get off this phone, goodbye.
They won't come now.
If I get Consumer Affairs, they'll come.
Hello? Hello? Hello? Darling, that was the front doorbell.
It'll be Frank.
- Martin's got the Foreign Office.
- Has he? Jack's got Health and Fred's got Energy.
- Has anyone got Brains? - Do you mean Education? No, I know what I mean.
- What's left? What have I got? - Rhythm? Frank, I have heard absolutely nothing, not that it's surprising.
My whole career is going down the drain because the PM is unable to reach me on the telephone.
You get it, darling.
- Hello.
- Hello, this is the BBC.
Would Mr.
Hacker like to be interviewed on the PM program? - PM? - PM? Jim Hacker here Are you available this afternoon? Yes.
Any time you like.
Could we interview you? I'd been hoping you'd call.
What job do you think you're likely to get? I beg your pardon? What job do you think you're likely to get? That's for you to tell me.
- What? - Well, it's not up to me to say.
That's for the PM to say.
You're the PM's office Oh, I see.
The BBC PM office! How silly, what a silly mistake, Yes yes.
Good bye.
I did try and tell you.
You answer the bloody thing.
Hello Mrs.
Hacker speaking.
Oh, congratulations, "Prime Minister".
It's Annie here.
Give me that phone.
Hello Yes Prime Minister.
Yes, of course Yes, I Righto.
I'll be on the next train.
Top tip for Administrative Affairs is Jim Hacker.
Kenneth, isn't he on the young side fora Cabinet post? Yes, well, he's in his late forties.
But it's certainly a jump up for him.
On the other hand, this department's been a bit of a political graveyard recently.
A further group of Cabinet appointments has now been announced from Number Ten.
The Ministry of Administrative Affairs goes to Jim Hacker, the former Shadow Minister for Agriculture.
- Good afternoon, Minister.
- Good afternoon.
Bernard Wooley, Principal Private Secretary.
Mr.
Lloyd Pritchard, Assistant Private Secretary.
- This is my political adviser - Oh yes, of course, Mr.
Weasel.
Wiesel.
I was the Minister's Principal Private Secretary in the last government.
However if you - I'm sure you'll be just the thing.
- Thank you, Minister, how kind.
- Where are we all going to? - You are going to your office.
What about Frank? - Where's Frank? - He's being taken care of.
- Would you wait here? - This is the Waiting Room.
- Precisely, sir.
- I'm Jim Hacker's adviser.
He has a whole department to advise him.
- He needs me.
- Of course.
But until he sends for you, please, wait.
A sherry Minister? Jim.
Oh Gin.
No, no, Jim, Jim.
Call me Jim.
I would prefer to call you Minister, Minister.
Minister, Minister? Oh quite, quite.
I see what you mean.
Do I have to call you Private Secretary, Private Secretary? - No.
Do call me Bernard.
- Thank you, Bernard.
You're most welcome.
Your health, Minister.
Well what now? Allow me to present Sir Humphrey Appleby, Permanent Under Secretary of State and Head of the D.
A.
A.
- Hello, Sir Humphrey.
- Hello, and welcome.
- Thank you.
- I believe you know each other.
Yes, we did cross swords in the Public Accounts Committee.
I wouldn't say that.
You came up with all the questions.
Opposition's about asking questions.
And Government's about not answering them.
You answered mine.
I'm glad you thought so.
Good luck.
- Who else is in this Department? - I am the Permanent Under Secretary known as the Permanent Secretary.
Wolley is your Principal Private Secretary.
And I too have a Principal Private Secretary.
Directly responsible to me are 10 Deputy Secretaries 87 Under Secretaries, and 219 Assistant Secretaries.
Responsible to the PPS are Parliamentary Private Secretaries.
The PM will be appointing two Parliamentary Under Secretaries, and you will appoint your own Parliamentary Private Secretary.
Can they all type? None of us can type.
Mrs.
McKay types.
She is the Secretary.
Pity we could have opened an agency.
- Very droll, sir.
- Yes, very very amusing.
- I suppose they all say that.
- Certainly not, Minister.
Not quite all.
Right, now then, to business.
Forgive me if I'm a bit blunt, but that's the sort of chap I am Frankly, this depart This chair's a bit We can change it, Minister.
We can change the furniture, decor, office routine - Your wish is our command.
- I'd like a new chair.
Hate swivel chairs.
Two kinds of chairs to go with the two kinds of Minister.
One sort folds up instantly, the other sort goes round and round in circles.
Now, frankly this Department has got to cut a great swathe through all this stuffy Whitehall bureaucracy.
We're going to throw open the windows, let in a bit of fresh air, cut through all the red tape, streamline this creaking old bureaucratic machine.
- You mean a clean sweep? - A clean sweep.
Far too many people just sitting behind desks.
Not like us, of course.
But we've got to get rid of all those people.
- Get rid of them? - "Redeploy them".
Yes.
Good Lord no, I don't mean put them out of work.
Open Government, that's what my party believes in, that was the main plank of our manifesto.
Taking the nation into our confidence.
Now how does that strike you? Do sit down.
Just as you said in the House on May 2nd last year, and again on November 23rd, and in The Observer and in The Daily Mail, and as your manifesto made clear.
You know about that? Please, have a look at these proposals.
These are the ways to implement this policy and proposals fora white paper for your approval.
The white paper might be called "Open Government".
- You mean it's all been - Taken care of, Minister.
- Who did all this? - The old bureaucratic machine.
No, quite seriously.
We are seized of the need for reform.
- And we have taken it on board.
- I'm rather surprised.
I expected to have to fight you with this.
People do have funny ideas about the Civil Service.
We're just here to implement your policies.
"Proposals for shortening approval procedures in planning appeals"? Hansard Volume 497, page 1102, Column B.
Quote "Mr.
Hacker: Is the Minister aware that planning procedures make building a bungalow in the 20th century slower than building a cathedral in the 12th century? Opposition laughter and Government cries of shame".
- They didn't actually cry shame.
- Quite so, Minister.
- Right, I think that's it then? - There are two more things This is your diary for next week, Minister.
My diary? You didn't know I was coming.
Nor who'd win the election.
- There'd be a Minister, Minister.
- Don't start that again.
Even though we didn't know it would be you.
Her Majesty does like the business of government to continue even when there are no politicians around.
- Bit difficult surely? - Yes and no.
It's a busy week.
Nine cabinet committees, the Annual dinner of the Law Institute.
You will have to make a speech.
Deputation from the British Computer Association.
Opening the National Union of Public Employers meeting.
- Another speech - Wait a minute - What about all the other things? - What other things? I'm on four policy committees for the party.
You won't want to be putting party before country.
No, no, of course not.
I'll just fetch your boxes, Minister.
Boxes? Already.
The last Minister had some work throughout the campaign, but I fear well, it's not for me to criticise - What do you mean? - It's a harsh thing to say.
Some of the boxes actually came back with the work not done.
If you complete the first four by Saturday, your driver will deliver the other two.
Villa's at home to Liverpool.
And I've got a surgery on Saturday.
If we minimise it, you need only take the major policy decisions.
No, no.
No.
No.
I take all the decisions round here.
Now then what time shall I come in on Monday? You'll catch the 7.
45 train from New Street, and your driver will meet you at Euston.
If I could just put in these draft proposals.
And here, this is your key, Minister.
Out of my way.
I've had enough of this.
- You can't go in there.
- Just try and stop me.
- Jim, what's going on? - Frank, where've you been? - Stuck in the waiting room.
- We are in private conference.
- Then I should be here, too.
- Calm down, Frank.
Humphrey, Frank has got to have an office of his own.
- Certainly, if you insist.
- I do insist.
I do think we have some spare office space in Walthamstow.
- Walthamstow? - Yes, it's surprising.
The Government owns property all over London.
- I don't want to be there.
- It's in a very nice part.
Walthamstow's a very nice place so I gather.
- I need an office here.
- Why's that? Yes, I agree with Frank.
Bernard, we must find an office here for Mr.
Weasel.
Wiesel.
Copies of all the papers that come to me go to Frank.
- All? - All.
It shall be done.
All the appropriate papers.
How's your new Minister, Humphrey? Learning the rules very quickly for a new boy.
- How's your new Cabinet? - No problem.
Similar to the last one.
Arnold, I hear the American Ambassador's been spending a lot of time with the PM.
- Yes.
- Defence or trade? Both.
The aerospace systems contract? Ssh.
Don't want the cabinet to hear about it yet.
This aerospace thingumy would be rather a coup for the PM, wouldn't it? Yes, now the new PM will take the credit.
Sorry to intrude Sir Arnold, Sir Humphrey, if you could just OK the Minister's speech, I can get it straight to the House.
Yes, of course.
Like to join us? Oh, thank you, so long as I'm not too long.
Get yourself a cup of coffee.
So it would be rather an embarrassment to the PM, wouldn't it? if a hypothetical Minister were to rock the Anglo American boat? Grave embarrassment.
How grave? Man overboard, I should think.
Enough to cut short a promising new Ministerial career? No question.
Pull up a chair, Bernard And tell us what you think of our new Minister.
Well absolutely fine.
Yes, we'll have him house trained in no time.
He swallowed the whole diary, and I gather he did his boxes like a lamb last weekend? Yes.
Yes he did.
We must head him off this Open Government nonsense.
We were calling the White Paper "Open Government".
Always dispose of the difficult bit in the title.
Does less harm there than in the text.
The less you intend to do about something, the more you have to talk about it.
What's wrong with open government? Why shouldn't the public know more about what's going on? Are you serious? Well, I mean it's the Minister's policy, after all.
It's a contradiction in terms.
You can be open or you can have government.
But surely the citizens of a democracy have a right to know.
No.
They have a right to be ignorant.
Knowledge only means complicity and guilt.
Ignorance has a certain dignity.
But if the Minister wants You don't just give people what they want, if it's not good for them.
Do you give brandy to an alcoholic? That way people don't know what you are doing wrong.
I am the Minister's Private Secretary, and if he wants You must not help him to make a fool of himself.
Look at the Ministers we've had.
They would have been a laughing stock had it not been for the most rigid secrecy about their doings.
What do you propose to do? - Can you keep a secret? - Of course.
So can I.
Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.
Well, I'd better be getting this back to the Minister.
Martin.
Has the weasel had a copy of the invoice for the new American addressing machines? I thought you said it was sensitive.
So it is.
Get it to him today.
Oh, and Martin, let him find it near the bottom of the pile.
Jim, Jim.
- Yes.
- Look what I've found.
We've got them by the short and curlies.
We've got Sir Humphrey Bloody Appleby and Mr.
Toffee Nosed Snooty Wolley just where we want them.
See this? This innocent-looking piece of paper.
Political dynamite.
Calm down.
What are you talking about? This is an invoice for 1.
000 computer video display terminals.
At 10.
000 pounds each, that is, ten million pounds.
So? Made by the Pittsburgh Manufacturing Corporation Inc.
, - Imported from America? - I know.
But we make computer peripherals in this country.
- In my constituency.
- I know! - What about unemployment? - I know! This must be stopped.
- Sir Humphrey to see oh sorry.
- Oh no.
No, come in.
I want to see you both, come on.
Sir Humphrey, take a seat.
Thank you, Minister.
Now then, Frank here has just discovered this contract for the import of ten million pound's worth of video display terminals, from America.
May I see? Oh yes.
For the whole Civil Service in Whitehall.
- But they're not British.
- That is true.
- We make them in this country.
- Not of the same quality.
Better quality.
In my constituency.
- We were advised - This contract must be stopped.
It's beyond my power.
This can only be cancelled by the Treasury.
Why's that? Would be a major policy change for the Civil Service to cancel contracts, especially with overseas suppliers.
If you'd like to take it up with the Cabinet.
How am I to face my constituency party? Why need they know? Why need anybody know? We can see that it never gets out.
- Open Government.
- That's right.
- It must be published.
- That's right.
Why? Well er - Why, Frank? - The manifesto.
And your predecessor will look like a traitor.
- Two unanswerable reasons.
- You didn't bargain for this! You're not suggesting that the Minister should make a positive reference to this confidential transaction in a speech? Speech.
That's it.
Jim, what about the speech to the Union of office Employees? I'll tell them about this scandalous contract.
And we'll release it to the press today.
- Who's running the country now? - Well yes.
- You object? - It might be regrettable, - if we upset the Americans.
- The Americans.
It's time they lose their commercial complacency.
We must think of the British poor, not the American rich! If that is your express wish, the Department will back you, up to the hilt.
That is my express wish.
I'd better circulate the speech for clearance.
It does not involve any other department.
Open Government demands that we include our colleagues, as well as our friends in Fleet Street.
- Oh yes, that's fair enough.
- I'm not sure.
Thank you.
And Humphrey See that goes straight to the press.
We shall serve your best interests.
Thank you.
Now then Let me see.
We've made a pledge to the people about open government.
So let's have some.
I have discovered that the previous government signed a contract to import office equipment - for use by the Civil Service - Bureaucracy! Used by the Civil Service bureaucracy.
So, we are being fobbed off with second rate American junk by smart Aleck salesmen from Pittsburgh while British factories stand empty and British workmen queue up for the dole.
- Unemployment benefit.
- The dole, Bernard.
"Much as I personally value the friendship of our great cousins from across the sea".
- Minister, something's come up.
- Yes? - A minute from the PM's Office.
- I'm pretty busy.
- You ought to read this.
- What does it say? The PM is planning a visit to Washington fora valuable Anglo American defence trade agreement.
Its importance cannot be overestimated.
Fine.
Has my speech gone to the press? I presume so, as you requested.
I'm sorry, but all hell's just broken loose at Number Ten.
They're asking why your speech didn't obtain clearance.
- What did you say? - I mentioned open government.
But it seemed to make things worse.
The PM wants to see you in the House, right away.
What's going to happen? The Prime Minister giveth and he taketh away.
Blessed be the name of the Prime Minister.
Hello, Vic Sir Humphrey Appleby, Vic Gould, our ChiefWhip.
You really are a pain in the arse.
The PM's going up the wall.
Hitting the roof.
You can't go around making speeches like that.
It's Open Government.
- Shut up, Weasel.
- Wiesel! But Open Government was the main plank in our manifesto.
- The PM believes in it too.
- Open, yes.
But not gaping.
In politics you have to say things with tact, you berk! And when to say nothing at all.
- How long you been a Minister? - Week and half.
You will appear in the Guinness book of records.
I can see the headlines already.
"Cabinet split on U.
S.
Trade.
Hacker leads revolt against Prime Minister.
That's what you want, is it? Ah, Sir Arnold, what news? That speech is causing the PM some distress.
Has it been released to the Press? Well, the Minister gave express instructions for noon.
- Isn't that right? - I'm appalled at you, Humphrey.
How could you let the Minister put himself in this position? We believe in open government.
We want to open the windows.
Isn't that right, Minister? It's good party stuff, but it puts the PM in a very difficult situation.
What about Open Government? This seems to be the closed season for open government.
Do you want to give thought to a draft letter of resignation? Just in case Can't we hush it up? - Hush it up? - Yes, hush it up.
You mean suppress it? Yes, I suppose I do.
You mean that within the framework of the guidelines about open government that you have laid down, you're suggesting we should adopt a more flexible posture? Am I? Oh yes.
Yes.
About the press release A development could precipitate a reappraisal of our position.
We forgot the interdepartmental clearance procedure.
The supplementary stop order came into effect.
So, your speech hasn't gone to the Press.
It's only gone to the PM's Private Office and the Duty Officer had no instructions to pass it out - without clearance.
- But how come? The fault is entirely mine, Minister.
The holding up of press releases dates back to before open government, and I unaccountably omitted to rescind it.
- I hope you forgive this lapse.
- Well, yes, of course.
- That's quite all right.
- Thank you, Minister.
After all, we all make mistakes.
Yes, Minister.
James George Hacker: 21,793.
Arthur William Gaunt: 19,321.
So Jim Hacker's back, and after many years as a Shadow Minister seems almost certain to get a post in the new Government.
- I haven't had a call yet.
- Who from? - Our new Prime Minister.
- What do you expect? The car's only just got back from the Palace.
Any moment now, then.
So who was on the phone? Frank Wiesel.
He's coming right over.
Why doesn't he just move in? Annie, he's my political adviser.
- I depend on him.
- Why don't you marry him? Darling, you do over- react to everything, so.
Here we are! Jim Hacker yes.
Oh, it's you.
Yes, was a good party.
Yes, I've got a bit of a headache I will ring you back.
I'm waiting for a rather important call bye bye.
Alderman Spottiswood.
I wish people wouldn't ring to congratulate me.
I'm waiting for the call.
It's as if you're about to enter the Ministry.
Yes, but which Ministry, that's the point.
It was a joke! Oh, I see.
- Are you very tense? - No, I'm not.
A politician's wife is not allowed to.
A happy carefree politician's wife.
- What are you looking for? - A cigarette.
Try the cigarette box.
- It's empty.
- Take a librium.
I can't find it, that's why I'm looking fora cigarette.
Oh, Jim, I've had it.
Would you pop out and get some? Sorry, I daren't leave the phone.
If the PM wants you to be in the cabinet, he'll phone back.
Or you can phone back.
I ran the campaign against the PM for the leadership.
- If I'm out, well, who knows.
- I could take a message.
Thank goodness for conventional forces! They would hold the Russians for at most 72 hours.
Oh, it's you Michael I haven't had a call, have you? Bill's had a call? What's he got? Europe? - Bill's got Europe.
- Lucky Europe.
- Does Bill speak French? - He can hardly speak English.
I'll call you back if I hear anything.
Right Bye.
Fingers crossed.
Hello Yes, speaking The Gas Board.
Good Lord man, that was weeks ago.
I'm waiting fora rather important call Look, there happened to be a general election yesterday You voted for the other side, did you? How did you get to the polling booth on the right day? With two assistants, three return visits for spare parts? Look, Mr.
Franklin Frankly Franklin, I don't care if the heating system collapses in ruins.
I've got to get off this phone, goodbye.
They won't come now.
If I get Consumer Affairs, they'll come.
Hello? Hello? Hello? Darling, that was the front doorbell.
It'll be Frank.
- Martin's got the Foreign Office.
- Has he? Jack's got Health and Fred's got Energy.
- Has anyone got Brains? - Do you mean Education? No, I know what I mean.
- What's left? What have I got? - Rhythm? Frank, I have heard absolutely nothing, not that it's surprising.
My whole career is going down the drain because the PM is unable to reach me on the telephone.
You get it, darling.
- Hello.
- Hello, this is the BBC.
Would Mr.
Hacker like to be interviewed on the PM program? - PM? - PM? Jim Hacker here Are you available this afternoon? Yes.
Any time you like.
Could we interview you? I'd been hoping you'd call.
What job do you think you're likely to get? I beg your pardon? What job do you think you're likely to get? That's for you to tell me.
- What? - Well, it's not up to me to say.
That's for the PM to say.
You're the PM's office Oh, I see.
The BBC PM office! How silly, what a silly mistake, Yes yes.
Good bye.
I did try and tell you.
You answer the bloody thing.
Hello Mrs.
Hacker speaking.
Oh, congratulations, "Prime Minister".
It's Annie here.
Give me that phone.
Hello Yes Prime Minister.
Yes, of course Yes, I Righto.
I'll be on the next train.
Top tip for Administrative Affairs is Jim Hacker.
Kenneth, isn't he on the young side fora Cabinet post? Yes, well, he's in his late forties.
But it's certainly a jump up for him.
On the other hand, this department's been a bit of a political graveyard recently.
A further group of Cabinet appointments has now been announced from Number Ten.
The Ministry of Administrative Affairs goes to Jim Hacker, the former Shadow Minister for Agriculture.
- Good afternoon, Minister.
- Good afternoon.
Bernard Wooley, Principal Private Secretary.
Mr.
Lloyd Pritchard, Assistant Private Secretary.
- This is my political adviser - Oh yes, of course, Mr.
Weasel.
Wiesel.
I was the Minister's Principal Private Secretary in the last government.
However if you - I'm sure you'll be just the thing.
- Thank you, Minister, how kind.
- Where are we all going to? - You are going to your office.
What about Frank? - Where's Frank? - He's being taken care of.
- Would you wait here? - This is the Waiting Room.
- Precisely, sir.
- I'm Jim Hacker's adviser.
He has a whole department to advise him.
- He needs me.
- Of course.
But until he sends for you, please, wait.
A sherry Minister? Jim.
Oh Gin.
No, no, Jim, Jim.
Call me Jim.
I would prefer to call you Minister, Minister.
Minister, Minister? Oh quite, quite.
I see what you mean.
Do I have to call you Private Secretary, Private Secretary? - No.
Do call me Bernard.
- Thank you, Bernard.
You're most welcome.
Your health, Minister.
Well what now? Allow me to present Sir Humphrey Appleby, Permanent Under Secretary of State and Head of the D.
A.
A.
- Hello, Sir Humphrey.
- Hello, and welcome.
- Thank you.
- I believe you know each other.
Yes, we did cross swords in the Public Accounts Committee.
I wouldn't say that.
You came up with all the questions.
Opposition's about asking questions.
And Government's about not answering them.
You answered mine.
I'm glad you thought so.
Good luck.
- Who else is in this Department? - I am the Permanent Under Secretary known as the Permanent Secretary.
Wolley is your Principal Private Secretary.
And I too have a Principal Private Secretary.
Directly responsible to me are 10 Deputy Secretaries 87 Under Secretaries, and 219 Assistant Secretaries.
Responsible to the PPS are Parliamentary Private Secretaries.
The PM will be appointing two Parliamentary Under Secretaries, and you will appoint your own Parliamentary Private Secretary.
Can they all type? None of us can type.
Mrs.
McKay types.
She is the Secretary.
Pity we could have opened an agency.
- Very droll, sir.
- Yes, very very amusing.
- I suppose they all say that.
- Certainly not, Minister.
Not quite all.
Right, now then, to business.
Forgive me if I'm a bit blunt, but that's the sort of chap I am Frankly, this depart This chair's a bit We can change it, Minister.
We can change the furniture, decor, office routine - Your wish is our command.
- I'd like a new chair.
Hate swivel chairs.
Two kinds of chairs to go with the two kinds of Minister.
One sort folds up instantly, the other sort goes round and round in circles.
Now, frankly this Department has got to cut a great swathe through all this stuffy Whitehall bureaucracy.
We're going to throw open the windows, let in a bit of fresh air, cut through all the red tape, streamline this creaking old bureaucratic machine.
- You mean a clean sweep? - A clean sweep.
Far too many people just sitting behind desks.
Not like us, of course.
But we've got to get rid of all those people.
- Get rid of them? - "Redeploy them".
Yes.
Good Lord no, I don't mean put them out of work.
Open Government, that's what my party believes in, that was the main plank of our manifesto.
Taking the nation into our confidence.
Now how does that strike you? Do sit down.
Just as you said in the House on May 2nd last year, and again on November 23rd, and in The Observer and in The Daily Mail, and as your manifesto made clear.
You know about that? Please, have a look at these proposals.
These are the ways to implement this policy and proposals fora white paper for your approval.
The white paper might be called "Open Government".
- You mean it's all been - Taken care of, Minister.
- Who did all this? - The old bureaucratic machine.
No, quite seriously.
We are seized of the need for reform.
- And we have taken it on board.
- I'm rather surprised.
I expected to have to fight you with this.
People do have funny ideas about the Civil Service.
We're just here to implement your policies.
"Proposals for shortening approval procedures in planning appeals"? Hansard Volume 497, page 1102, Column B.
Quote "Mr.
Hacker: Is the Minister aware that planning procedures make building a bungalow in the 20th century slower than building a cathedral in the 12th century? Opposition laughter and Government cries of shame".
- They didn't actually cry shame.
- Quite so, Minister.
- Right, I think that's it then? - There are two more things This is your diary for next week, Minister.
My diary? You didn't know I was coming.
Nor who'd win the election.
- There'd be a Minister, Minister.
- Don't start that again.
Even though we didn't know it would be you.
Her Majesty does like the business of government to continue even when there are no politicians around.
- Bit difficult surely? - Yes and no.
It's a busy week.
Nine cabinet committees, the Annual dinner of the Law Institute.
You will have to make a speech.
Deputation from the British Computer Association.
Opening the National Union of Public Employers meeting.
- Another speech - Wait a minute - What about all the other things? - What other things? I'm on four policy committees for the party.
You won't want to be putting party before country.
No, no, of course not.
I'll just fetch your boxes, Minister.
Boxes? Already.
The last Minister had some work throughout the campaign, but I fear well, it's not for me to criticise - What do you mean? - It's a harsh thing to say.
Some of the boxes actually came back with the work not done.
If you complete the first four by Saturday, your driver will deliver the other two.
Villa's at home to Liverpool.
And I've got a surgery on Saturday.
If we minimise it, you need only take the major policy decisions.
No, no.
No.
No.
I take all the decisions round here.
Now then what time shall I come in on Monday? You'll catch the 7.
45 train from New Street, and your driver will meet you at Euston.
If I could just put in these draft proposals.
And here, this is your key, Minister.
Out of my way.
I've had enough of this.
- You can't go in there.
- Just try and stop me.
- Jim, what's going on? - Frank, where've you been? - Stuck in the waiting room.
- We are in private conference.
- Then I should be here, too.
- Calm down, Frank.
Humphrey, Frank has got to have an office of his own.
- Certainly, if you insist.
- I do insist.
I do think we have some spare office space in Walthamstow.
- Walthamstow? - Yes, it's surprising.
The Government owns property all over London.
- I don't want to be there.
- It's in a very nice part.
Walthamstow's a very nice place so I gather.
- I need an office here.
- Why's that? Yes, I agree with Frank.
Bernard, we must find an office here for Mr.
Weasel.
Wiesel.
Copies of all the papers that come to me go to Frank.
- All? - All.
It shall be done.
All the appropriate papers.
How's your new Minister, Humphrey? Learning the rules very quickly for a new boy.
- How's your new Cabinet? - No problem.
Similar to the last one.
Arnold, I hear the American Ambassador's been spending a lot of time with the PM.
- Yes.
- Defence or trade? Both.
The aerospace systems contract? Ssh.
Don't want the cabinet to hear about it yet.
This aerospace thingumy would be rather a coup for the PM, wouldn't it? Yes, now the new PM will take the credit.
Sorry to intrude Sir Arnold, Sir Humphrey, if you could just OK the Minister's speech, I can get it straight to the House.
Yes, of course.
Like to join us? Oh, thank you, so long as I'm not too long.
Get yourself a cup of coffee.
So it would be rather an embarrassment to the PM, wouldn't it? if a hypothetical Minister were to rock the Anglo American boat? Grave embarrassment.
How grave? Man overboard, I should think.
Enough to cut short a promising new Ministerial career? No question.
Pull up a chair, Bernard And tell us what you think of our new Minister.
Well absolutely fine.
Yes, we'll have him house trained in no time.
He swallowed the whole diary, and I gather he did his boxes like a lamb last weekend? Yes.
Yes he did.
We must head him off this Open Government nonsense.
We were calling the White Paper "Open Government".
Always dispose of the difficult bit in the title.
Does less harm there than in the text.
The less you intend to do about something, the more you have to talk about it.
What's wrong with open government? Why shouldn't the public know more about what's going on? Are you serious? Well, I mean it's the Minister's policy, after all.
It's a contradiction in terms.
You can be open or you can have government.
But surely the citizens of a democracy have a right to know.
No.
They have a right to be ignorant.
Knowledge only means complicity and guilt.
Ignorance has a certain dignity.
But if the Minister wants You don't just give people what they want, if it's not good for them.
Do you give brandy to an alcoholic? That way people don't know what you are doing wrong.
I am the Minister's Private Secretary, and if he wants You must not help him to make a fool of himself.
Look at the Ministers we've had.
They would have been a laughing stock had it not been for the most rigid secrecy about their doings.
What do you propose to do? - Can you keep a secret? - Of course.
So can I.
Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.
Well, I'd better be getting this back to the Minister.
Martin.
Has the weasel had a copy of the invoice for the new American addressing machines? I thought you said it was sensitive.
So it is.
Get it to him today.
Oh, and Martin, let him find it near the bottom of the pile.
Jim, Jim.
- Yes.
- Look what I've found.
We've got them by the short and curlies.
We've got Sir Humphrey Bloody Appleby and Mr.
Toffee Nosed Snooty Wolley just where we want them.
See this? This innocent-looking piece of paper.
Political dynamite.
Calm down.
What are you talking about? This is an invoice for 1.
000 computer video display terminals.
At 10.
000 pounds each, that is, ten million pounds.
So? Made by the Pittsburgh Manufacturing Corporation Inc.
, - Imported from America? - I know.
But we make computer peripherals in this country.
- In my constituency.
- I know! - What about unemployment? - I know! This must be stopped.
- Sir Humphrey to see oh sorry.
- Oh no.
No, come in.
I want to see you both, come on.
Sir Humphrey, take a seat.
Thank you, Minister.
Now then, Frank here has just discovered this contract for the import of ten million pound's worth of video display terminals, from America.
May I see? Oh yes.
For the whole Civil Service in Whitehall.
- But they're not British.
- That is true.
- We make them in this country.
- Not of the same quality.
Better quality.
In my constituency.
- We were advised - This contract must be stopped.
It's beyond my power.
This can only be cancelled by the Treasury.
Why's that? Would be a major policy change for the Civil Service to cancel contracts, especially with overseas suppliers.
If you'd like to take it up with the Cabinet.
How am I to face my constituency party? Why need they know? Why need anybody know? We can see that it never gets out.
- Open Government.
- That's right.
- It must be published.
- That's right.
Why? Well er - Why, Frank? - The manifesto.
And your predecessor will look like a traitor.
- Two unanswerable reasons.
- You didn't bargain for this! You're not suggesting that the Minister should make a positive reference to this confidential transaction in a speech? Speech.
That's it.
Jim, what about the speech to the Union of office Employees? I'll tell them about this scandalous contract.
And we'll release it to the press today.
- Who's running the country now? - Well yes.
- You object? - It might be regrettable, - if we upset the Americans.
- The Americans.
It's time they lose their commercial complacency.
We must think of the British poor, not the American rich! If that is your express wish, the Department will back you, up to the hilt.
That is my express wish.
I'd better circulate the speech for clearance.
It does not involve any other department.
Open Government demands that we include our colleagues, as well as our friends in Fleet Street.
- Oh yes, that's fair enough.
- I'm not sure.
Thank you.
And Humphrey See that goes straight to the press.
We shall serve your best interests.
Thank you.
Now then Let me see.
We've made a pledge to the people about open government.
So let's have some.
I have discovered that the previous government signed a contract to import office equipment - for use by the Civil Service - Bureaucracy! Used by the Civil Service bureaucracy.
So, we are being fobbed off with second rate American junk by smart Aleck salesmen from Pittsburgh while British factories stand empty and British workmen queue up for the dole.
- Unemployment benefit.
- The dole, Bernard.
"Much as I personally value the friendship of our great cousins from across the sea".
- Minister, something's come up.
- Yes? - A minute from the PM's Office.
- I'm pretty busy.
- You ought to read this.
- What does it say? The PM is planning a visit to Washington fora valuable Anglo American defence trade agreement.
Its importance cannot be overestimated.
Fine.
Has my speech gone to the press? I presume so, as you requested.
I'm sorry, but all hell's just broken loose at Number Ten.
They're asking why your speech didn't obtain clearance.
- What did you say? - I mentioned open government.
But it seemed to make things worse.
The PM wants to see you in the House, right away.
What's going to happen? The Prime Minister giveth and he taketh away.
Blessed be the name of the Prime Minister.
Hello, Vic Sir Humphrey Appleby, Vic Gould, our ChiefWhip.
You really are a pain in the arse.
The PM's going up the wall.
Hitting the roof.
You can't go around making speeches like that.
It's Open Government.
- Shut up, Weasel.
- Wiesel! But Open Government was the main plank in our manifesto.
- The PM believes in it too.
- Open, yes.
But not gaping.
In politics you have to say things with tact, you berk! And when to say nothing at all.
- How long you been a Minister? - Week and half.
You will appear in the Guinness book of records.
I can see the headlines already.
"Cabinet split on U.
S.
Trade.
Hacker leads revolt against Prime Minister.
That's what you want, is it? Ah, Sir Arnold, what news? That speech is causing the PM some distress.
Has it been released to the Press? Well, the Minister gave express instructions for noon.
- Isn't that right? - I'm appalled at you, Humphrey.
How could you let the Minister put himself in this position? We believe in open government.
We want to open the windows.
Isn't that right, Minister? It's good party stuff, but it puts the PM in a very difficult situation.
What about Open Government? This seems to be the closed season for open government.
Do you want to give thought to a draft letter of resignation? Just in case Can't we hush it up? - Hush it up? - Yes, hush it up.
You mean suppress it? Yes, I suppose I do.
You mean that within the framework of the guidelines about open government that you have laid down, you're suggesting we should adopt a more flexible posture? Am I? Oh yes.
Yes.
About the press release A development could precipitate a reappraisal of our position.
We forgot the interdepartmental clearance procedure.
The supplementary stop order came into effect.
So, your speech hasn't gone to the Press.
It's only gone to the PM's Private Office and the Duty Officer had no instructions to pass it out - without clearance.
- But how come? The fault is entirely mine, Minister.
The holding up of press releases dates back to before open government, and I unaccountably omitted to rescind it.
- I hope you forgive this lapse.
- Well, yes, of course.
- That's quite all right.
- Thank you, Minister.
After all, we all make mistakes.
Yes, Minister.