Yes Minister (1980) s03e06 Episode Script

What time is he coming? Any time.
Should be here now.
- Perhaps something's happened to him.
- You think he's missed his bus? No, no, no.
I mean something may have happened.
Who is he, exactly? All I know is he's an army officer with something to tell me he wouldn't divulge on the phone.
- It's probably nothing.
- Perhaps.
Remember Churchill, the wilderness years? He found out about our military inadequacy from army officers.
So while he was in the wilderness he could leak stories to the press and embarrass the government.
I could do that! But you're IN the government.
Oh, yes! (DOORBELL) I'll get it.
- Major Saunders? - Yes, sir.
Come in.
Follow me.
- It's all right.
My wife, Annie.
- Good evening.
- Drink? - Thanks.
- Scotch? - Thanks.
- Sit down.
- Thanks.
- No need to keep thanking me.
- Thanks.
I mean, sorry.
- No need to apologise, either.
- Sorry.
I mean, thanks.
- Shall I go and let you talk in private? - Please stay, if that's OK with you.
- Yes.
No secrets from Annie.
I tell her everything.
- Several times, usually! - So, is this highly confidential? - It is, rather, yes.
- Shall I turn on the radio? - Is there something good on? - In case we're being bugged.
- Oh.
Is that likely? - Who's in charge of bugging politicians? - Ah Yes, come to think of it, I am! That's all right, then.
Could I say that what I'm about to tell you I'm telling you on a personal basis? Fine What do you mean, exactly? I'm telling you personally and not as Minister for Administrative Affairs.
- But I am Minister of Administrative Affairs.
- But I'm not telling you in that role.
- I'm telling you as a journalist.
- Journalist? I thought you were an army officer? - No, YOU'RE a journalist.
- I'm a minister.
But what were you before you became a minister? Your starter for ten, no conferring! I get your drift.
You're telling me what you're telling me, though I don't know yet what you're telling me, as the former editor of "Reform".
Yes.
You were a very fine editor.
- I wouldn't say that.
- You've often said that! But how do I prevent myself, as a minister, from knowing what you'll tell me as a former editor? I can't prevent the minister from knowing.
- He means it's a question of hats.
- Yes.
I'm not wearing my ministerial hat tonight, but I ought to warn you, if I need to be told what you tell me, I shan't hesitate in my duty to keep myself informed! Fine.
Now, who's in charge of selling British weapons to foreigners? - Bzzz.
Hacker, LSE.
- Shut up, Annie.
You wrote an article in "Reform" about the sale of British weapons to undesirable foreigners.
Yes, it was called "The Dreadful Trade".
Perfectly patriotic to manufacture arms for our own defence or our allies'.
Although not all our allies are very commendable.
But we must not sell weapons to bolster the regimes of foreign despots, Nazi dictators - Or terrorists.
- Terroris Terrorists? Terrorists.
As I told you, I've recently returned from Rome.
- NATO, wasn't it? - A military delegation to NATO.
While I was there, they showed me something they'd captured in a raid on a terrorist HQ.
It was a computerised bomb detonator.
Very new, very secret, and very lethal.
- Who showed it to you? - I can't possibly say.
It's a confidence.
I see.
Computerised bomb detonator? You set it to calculate the weight of the victim, speed of his car, so you're sure to get him, and you can reprogram it remotely, by radio, after setting it.
Gosh.
I don't associate Italians with that sort of technology! - It wasn't made in Italy.
It was made here.
- Made in Britain? Under a Ministry of Defence contract and paid for by the British taxpayer.
- And used by Italian terrorists? - Yes.
- Where did they get them? - That's what I want to know.
You haven't told anybody else? If I make an official report, I have to disclose my sources.
But if I tell someone near the top of government Er, AT the top, actually.
Yes that secret British equipment was being supplied to Italian terrorists, - then he would, er - Absolutely.
What would he? Find out how it's being done.
The investigation would have to start in Britain at the top level.
Fine.
But you told me you were telling me on a personal level.
Yes, but now you know personally, if not officially, you can use your personal knowledge to start official investigations to get official confirmation of personal suspicions so what you now know personally, but not officially, you will then know officially as well as personally.
You're not related to Sir Humphrey Appleby by any chance? - Who? - Never mind! - I felt I had to tell someone.
- Absolutely.
Well, now I know, personally.
Marvellous.
Going to do something about it, aren't you? - Absolutely, indeed I am.
- Right away? Right away.
What are you going to do? I'm going to think about what you've told me.
Right away.
- And then? - Then I will consider various courses of action.
- Without delay.
- You'll take action without delay.
- I will consider taking action without delay.
- Are you related to Sir Humphrey Appleby? - Like another drink? - No, I must be off.
- Can I rely on you to tackle this shocking matter? - Indeed you can.
- Goodbye.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Major.
- Goodnight, sir.
- What do you think? - You'll do something? I certainly will, if it's right.
But I can't believe it's true.
Could it happen? Couldn't.
Could it? It's not just that it shouldn't.
It couldn't.
And if it could, it wouldn't.
Would it? You ARE related to Sir Humphrey Appleby! Humphrey, I must talk to you about something which concerns me deeply.
Really profoundly important.
The amendment to the order on stock control in government establishments? The procedure for renewal of local authority leaseholds in development areas? No, what concerns me is a great issue really of life and death.
Shouldn't that wait till after work? - It is work.
- Really? Please go on.
How do British armaments manufacturers sell their arms to foreigners? You get an export licence from the Department of Trade.
Private firms can sell their arms abroad? - Companies and government agencies.
- To whom? - Foreign governments, usually.
- Is that all? Well, sometimes you can sell to an arms dealer, third party.
A man in Manchester buys on behalf of a party in the Channel Islands with contacts in Luxembourg There's no real control over who the arms go to in the end? Indeed there is.
The dealer has to provide an end user certificate which is a signature acceptable to the government that the ultimate customer is an approved user.
Is that a real guarantee? Would you be surprised if a British aircraft carrier turned up in the Central African Republic? I, for one, Minister, would be very surprised.
It's 1,000 miles inland! You know what I mean.
What about smaller weapons? It's officially impossible.
Stringent security, rigorous inspections, meticulous scrutiny.
You mean it's all a facade? Ah.
- I think this conversation should end here.
- No, it's as I thought.
A confidential source has disclosed to me that British arms are being sold to Italian terrorists.
I see.
May I ask who this confidential source was? Humphrey, I said it was confidential.
Sorry.
I naturally assumed that meant you were going to tell me.
- You don't seem worried.
- It happens all the time.
It's not our problem.
So does robbery with violence.
Does that worry you? No, Minister.
Home Office problem.
Humphrey, we're letting terrorists have murderous weapons! - WE'RE not.
- Well, who is? Who knows? Department of Trade? Ministry of Defence? Foreign Office? We, Humphrey, the British government.
Innocent lives set at risk by British arms in the hands of terrorists.
Only Italian lives, not British lives, Minister.
- Could be British tourists abroad.
- Tourists? Foreign Office problem.
- Humphrey, we have to do something.
- With respect, we have to do nothing.
- What do you mean? - The sale of arms abroad is one area of government we do not examine too closely.
- I have to, now I know.
- Say you don't know.
- Are you suggesting I lie? - Not you, Minister, no.
- Well, who should lie? - Sleeping dogs, Minister.
- I'm going to raise this.
- No, I beg you.
A rule of government is never look into anything you don't have to, never start an enquiry unless you know what its findings will be.
I can't believe this! We're talking about good and evil.
- Church of England problem.
- No, Humphrey! - Our problem.
We are discussing right and wrong.
- I'm not.
It's misuse of government time.
- Selling arms to terrorists is wrong.
- Either you sell arms or you don't.
If you sell them, they end up with people who can afford them.
But not terrorists? I suppose we could put a government health warning on the rifle butts! "This gun can seriously damage your health.
" You may take this lightly, but we cannot close our eyes to something as morally wrong as this.
If you insist on discussing moral issues, something is either morally wrong or it isn't.
It can't be slightly morally wrong.
- Don't quibble.
- Government isn't about morality.
- Really? What is it about? - Stability.
Keeping things going.
Preventing anarchy.
Stopping society falling to bits.
Still being here tomorrow.
- What for? - I beg your pardon? What is the purpose of government if not for doing good? Government isn't about good and evil.
It's about order or chaos.
It's in order for Italian terrorists to get British bombs? - You don't care? - It's not my job to care.
That's what politicians are for.
My job is to carry out policy.
- Even if you think it's wrong? - Almost all government policy is wrong, but frightfully well carried out! Have you ever known a civil servant resign on a matter of principle? I should think not! What an appalling suggestion! For the first time, I fully understand that you are purely committed to means and not ends! As far as I'm concerned, and all my colleagues, there is no difference between means and ends.
If you believe that, Humphrey, you will go to hell.
Minister, I had no idea you had a theological bent.
- You are a moral vacuum.
- If you say so, Minister.
- Time for your lunch appointment.
- You're keeping very quiet, Bernard.
- What would you do about all this? - I would keep very quiet.
- So may we drop the matter of arms sales? - No, we may not! I'm going to tell the Prime Minister personally.
Make an appointment, Bernard.
This is the sort of thing he wants to know about.
I assure you, this is the sort of thing he wants NOT to know about.
We shall see about that.
Indeed we will.
What's the matter, Bernard? - Nothing really, Sir Humphrey.
- You look unhappy.
- I was wondering if the minister was right.
- Very unlikely.
What about? About ends and means.
Will I end up as a moral vacuum, too? Oh, I hope so, Bernard.
If you work hard enough.
Makes me feel rather downcast.
If it's our job to carry out government policies, shouldn't we believe in them? Oh, what an extraordinary idea! - Why? - Bernard I have served 11 governments in the past 30 years.
If I'd believed in all their policies, I'd have been passionately committed to keeping out of the Common Market, and passionately committed to joining it.
I'd have been utterly convinced of the rightness of nationalising steel and of denationalising it and renationalising it.
Capital punishment? I'd have been a fervent retentionist and an ardent abolitionist.
I'd have been a Keynesian and a Friedmanite, a grammar school preserver and destroyer, a nationalisation freak and a privatisation maniac, but above all, I would have been a stark-staring raving schizophrenic! So what do we believe in? At this moment, Bernard, we believe in stopping the minister from informing the Prime Minister.
- But why? - Because once the Prime Minister knows, there will have to be an enquiry, like Watergate.
The investigation of a trivial break-in led to one ghastly revelation after another and finally the downfall of a president.
The golden rule is don't lift lids off cans of worms.
- No, Sir Humphrey.
- Everything is connected to everything else.
- Who said that? - The Cabinet Secretary? Nearly right.
Actually, it was Lenin.
How do you stop a Cabinet Minister talking to a Prime Minister? - Interesting question.
You tell me.
- I don't know.
Work it out.
You're supposed to be a high-flier.
Or are you really a low-flier supported by occasional gusts of wind? Well, YOU can't stop the minister seeing the PM, can you? - I can't.
- Nor can the private office at No.
10.
- Correct.
- It has to be someone high up in government.
- Getting warmer.
- Someone close to the PM.
Someone who can frighten the minister - The Chief Whip? - Excellent, you've learnt a lot.
- So, how do you crack the whip? - I'm sorry? How do you mobilise the Chief Whip? The minister's asked me to phone the PM's private office for an appointment, so if you had a word with the Cabinet Secretary, and he had a word with the diary secretary, and they all had a word with the Whip's office then when the minister arrived, the Whip could meet him and say the PM is busy and asked him to have a word with the minister instead.
Excellent, Bernard.
You should have taken a degree in engineering! - What are you doing? - You wanted the Cabinet Secretary.
I do, indeed.
Now, do you, as the minister's private secretary, feel obliged to tell the minister of this conversation? What conversation? Well done, Bernard.
You'll be a moral vacuum yet! Ah, Jim.
My dear chap, how nice to see you.
- Vic, I was hoping to see the Prime Minister.
- Yes.
The PM's rather busy today.
Asked me to see you instead.
Vic, it's not a matter for the Chief Whip.
The PM asked me to have a preliminary conversation and write a background note.
- Save time later.
- Oh.
Well, I've been given some pretty dramatic information.
Go on.
The Italian Red Terrorists are being supplied with top secret bomb detonators made in this country, in a government factory.
- And you feel you should tell the PM? - Yes, the PM's head of security.
I don't think it's anything to burden the PM with.
Let's hold it over.
- Forget all about it? - That's my recommendation.
I'm sorry, Vic, I can't accept it.
The PM must be told.
- If the PM is told, there'd have to be an enquiry.
- Exactly.
Perhaps revealing other undesirable - even hostile - governments - had been supplied with British-made arms.
- Seriously? Perhaps.
It might be highly embarrassing to our Cabinet colleagues - Foreign Secretary, Defence Secretary, Trade Secretary, and to the PM personally.
Doing the right thing might be embarrassing sometimes, but that's no reason for not doing it.
You know we already sell arms to Syria, Chile, Iran? - It's officially approved.
- You like what they do with them? Well, obviously not entirely.
- Either you're in the arms business or you're not! - If being in it means arming terrorists, - we should be out, it's immoral.
- Oh, great! Great! Is it moral to put 100,000 British workers out of a job? And exports, two billion a year gone, for starters.
And votes? Where do you think the government places those weapons contracts? - In marginal constituencies, obviously.
- Exactly.
All I'm saying is that now that I know, the Prime Minister must be told.
- Why? - Why? Just because you've caught something nasty, why do you have to breathe over everyone? Are you happy in the Cabinet? - Yes, of course I am! - Do you want to stay in it? (HE GULPS) Well, then? Sorry, Vic, but there is such a thing as duty.
- Sometimes one must follow one's conscience.
- For God's sake! Must you flash about your petty little conscience? Don't you think anybody else has got one? - Have you no conscience for the government? - Of course! The PM is on the verge of signing an international anti-terrorist agreement.
- I didn't know.
- There's a lot you don't know.
Can't you see it's essential to deal with major policy rather than a few arms exporters and terrorists? Yes, I suppose it is just a couple of terrorist groups.
- Can't kill that many people, can they? - Suppose not! And you want to blow it all in a fit of moral self-indulgence! After all, with the PM thinking about you as the next Foreign Secretary Do you mean that? Good Lord! So if you want to martyr yourself, go ahead and press for an enquiry.
Feel free to jeopardise everything we've worked for all these years.
No, no.
Obviously it's appalling if Italian terrorists are getting hold of British weapons, but there is such a thing as loyalty, the common purpose.
I suppose one must see these things in a proper perspective.
- If it was the Ministry of Defence, Board of Trade.
- Ministry of Defence, Board of Trade problem.
Foreign Office problem.
I can see that now.
So we can hold it over for the time being? - Don't want to upset and embarrass the PM! - Absolutely not.
Definitely not.
No.
Sorry I mentioned it.
Good man! So I thought on balance it was best to leave it at that.
Let sleeping dogs lie In the wider interest.
As a loyal member of the government.
- Nothing to be gained.
Opening a can of worms.
- The major said they were terrorists.
Yes, well - We bombed Dresden.
We're all terrorists.
- No.
I mean metaphorically.
You should meet the Chief Whip.
He certainly is! - Someone in Britain's giving bombs to murderers.
- Selling, not giving.
- That makes it OK? - Be serious, Annie.
An investigation might uncover all sorts.
I see.
Investigate if you can catch one criminal, but not if you might catch lots! If they're your Cabinet colleagues, you're right! Government is a very complex business, Annie.
There are so many conflicting considerations.
- Whether to do the right thing or wrong thing.
- Exactly.
No What do you suggest I do? - Take a moral stand.
- How? - Threaten resignation.
- They'd accept it! Then where would I be? If I'm gone, I'm not in a position to do any good any more.
- You're not doing good now.
- Resignation may be a sop to our consciences, but it won't stop terrorists getting British bombs.
- It might if you tell what you know.
- What do I know? I've no hard facts.
I know it's going on because nobody's denied it, but that's not proof.
Can't you see? I'm in a real fix.
I don't think you realise just how real a fix you're in.
This letter arrived today.
From Major Saunders.
"Dear Mr Hacker.
Thank you for seeing me.
"Such a relief to have told you about the supply of British weapons to Italian terrorists.
"I know you will act upon this information as you promised "and I look forward to seeing some action taken.
" You see? What will you do when Major Saunders tells the world he told you about it and you did nothing? - It's a photocopy.
He's got the original.
- It was recorded delivery, so you did get it.
I'm trapped! Completely trapped! I can't tell the PM, I can't NOT tell the PM.
- I see.
- Might we not use the Rhodesia Solution? Bernard, you excel yourself! Of course, Minister, the Rhodesia Solution! - What's that? - Oil sanctions.
A member of the government was told about sanction-busting.
- What did he do? - Told the PM.
- And? - He told the PM in a way the PM didn't hear him.
Oh.
Do you mean I should mumble it in the Division lobby? - No, Minister, you write a note.
- Very faint pencil? - Please, be practical.
- It's awfully obvious.
- Write a note susceptible of misinterpretation.
- Oh, I see! "Dear Prime Minister, I believe Italian Red Terrorists "have secret British bomb-making equipment.
" How do you misinterpret that? You can't.
So you don't write that.
You use a more circumspect style with no mention of bombs or terrorists.
- Isn't that what it's all about? - Bernard, write this down.
"My attention has been drawn to information which suggests possible irregularities under" Section 1 of the Import, Export and Customs Powers Defence Act 1939c.
Thank you, Bernard.
You then suggest that somebody else should do something about it.
"Evidence suggests there may be a case for further investigation "to establish whether enquiries should be put in hand.
" Then you smudge it all over.
"Nevertheless, it should be stressed that available information is limited "and facts could be difficult to establish with any certainty.
" - I see.
- If there's an enquiry, you'd be in the clear and everybody would understand the busy PM might not have grasped the implications.
- They certainly would! That's most unclear.
- Thank you, Minister! You arrange for the letter to arrive at No.
10 on the day the PM has an overseas summit! So there is also doubt about whether it was the PM or the acting PM who read the note.
It's seen as a breakdown in communication, everyone's cleared and can get on with things.
- Including the Red Terrorists! - Exactly Bernard! I'll tell you about government.
You must always try to do the right thing.
But you must never let anybody catch you trying to do it because doing right's wrong.
Right? - Haven't you had enough, darling? - There's still some left in the bottle.
No, the thing about government is principle.
And the principle is you mustn't rock the boat because if you do, all the little consciences will fall out.
And you must all hang together.
Because if you don't hang together, you'll all be hanged separately.
I'm hanged if I'll be hanged! You know politics is about helping others.
Even if that means helping terrorists.
Terrorists are others, aren't they? Not us, are they? No.
And you must always follow your conscience, but you must know where you're going.
So you can't follow your conscience.
'Cause it may not be going the same way that you are.
Empty Like me.
- I'm a moral vacuum.
- Cheer up, darling! Nothing good comes out of Whitehall.
You did what you could.
- You don't really mean that.
- I do.
- I'm just like Humphrey and the rest.
- That's not true! He's lost his sense of right and wrong.
You've still got yours.
- Have I? - It's just that you don't use it much.
You're a sort of whisky priest, you at least know when you've done the wrong thing.
- Whisky priest? - That's right.
Good.
- Let's open another bottle.
- We haven't got one.
That's what you think! Who said nothing good ever came out of Whitehall? - You want one? - Yes, Minister! (THEY SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT) (FINAL WHISTLE BLOWS) - Coming for a drink in the board room, Jim? - Thanks.
Ah, well, better enjoy it while the club's still here.
- We've always survived.
- It's different this time.
- Tell him, Brian.
- We've had a meeting of the finance committee.
Aston Wanderers will have to call in the Receiver! - You mean bankrupt? - The final whistle.
- We need one-and-a-half million quid, Jim.
- The government waste that every 30 seconds! - Oh, I say! - You know what people are saying, Jim? It's no good having a Cabinet Minister for an MP.
Better a local lad with time for his constituency.
- That's absurd! - Why? - There are advantages if an MP's in the Cabinet.
- We haven't noticed them, have we, Harry? - Such as? - It reflects well on the constituency.
It's good to have powerful friends, influence in high places, a friend in need Listen, friend, what we need is one-and-a-half million quid! Ah.
So will you use that influence to help us? Well, when I said influence, I meant the indefinable sort, the intangible, subtle benefit of an input into broad general policy at its early stages while keeping constituency interests in mind.
Do you mean no? Well, anything I can do in a broad, general sense to further the cause, I will certainly er, do.
If I can.
But for a minister to pump one-and-a-half million into his local football club! He means no.
But there'd be lots of votes in it.
You'd be the hero of the constituency.
"Jim Hacker, the man who saved Aston Wanderers!" Safe seat for life! That might occur to the press.
And the opposition.
And the judge! If this club goes to the wall it'll be a disaster.
Look at our history! FA Cup winners, League Champions, first team into Europe.
I know all that, but be fair.
It's a local matter, not a ministerial one.
As chair of the Arts and Leisure Committee, can you help? Me? You're joking.
I spent half of yesterday trying to raise 711 quid to repoint the chimney on the art gallery.
That miserable place? Why not let it fall down? I'd love to, but if it fell on somebody, the Council's liable.
We own the bloody place! And we keep getting offers for the site.
Savefair Supermarkets were after it last month.
Hold on, how much were they offering? About two million quid, I think.
If you sold the art gallery, you could save the football club.
- There'd have to be a planning enquiry.
- Can we see it? We'll have to be quick.
They close at five.
- Hideous, isn't it? - It's a Grade II listed building.
Bernard, what is our political master up to with the Corn Exchange Art Gallery? - Oh, er, how did you find out about that? - Not from you, Bernard.
An omission you may care to explain.
- Surely it's just a constituency matter? - Surely not.
Selling the gallery to Savefair Supermarkets and giving an interest-free loan to Aston Wanderers, he's acting as an MP not a minister.
It is the principle, Bernard.
Have you thought what the effect would be if this happens? - He'd be very popular.
- Exactly! Distressingly popular.
Hideously popular.
And then? - The minister would be re-elected.
- And that is not our top priority.
In this department, it makes little difference who the minister is.
But the point is, suppose other football clubs got into difficulties? And what about greyhound racing? Should dog tracks be subsidised as well as football clubs? - Why not, if that's what the people want? - Bernard subsidy is for art, for culture.
It is not to be given to what the people want! It is for what the people don't want but ought to have! If they want something they'll pay for it themselves! No, we subsidise education, enlightenment, spiritual uplift.
Not the vulgar pastimes of ordinary people.
It's the thin end of the wedge.
It must be stopped! - Ah, Minister.
- Humphrey.
What's the matter now? Minister, I thought you'd like early warning that there's a reshuffle in the offing.
(HE GASPS) - You don't mean You're not suggesting - No, no, no, Minister.
There is to be a departmental reorganisation.
A real reshuffle.
- We may get extra responsibilities.
- Do we want them? We want all responsibilities, Minister, if they mean extra staff and bigger budgets.
It's the breadth of our responsibilities that makes us important, makes YOU important, Minister.
When you see vast buildings, huge staff and massive budgets, what do you conclude? Bureaucracy? No, Minister, you conclude that at the summit there are men of great stature and dignity who hold the world in their hands and tread the earth like princes.
Yes, I see.
So each new responsibility must be seized eagerly and each old one guarded jealously.
- Entirely in your interests, of course, Minister.
- Thank you for warning me, Humphrey.
Thank you, Minister.
Oh! By the way - About the Corn Exchange Art Gallery proposal.
- What about it? It's the most imaginative scheme, novel idea, - but I wonder if it might not be a little unwise? - Why? - A valuable civic amenity.
- A monstrosity! A valuable civic monstrosity.
- An important collection of British paintings.
- Utterly unimportant.
Second-rate 18th-century portraits, third-rate 19th-century landscapes, modern paintings the Tate wouldn't even store.
But an important representative collection of unimportant paintings.
And a source of great spiritual uplift to passing citizenry.
- They never go in! - But they know it's there.
The curator says they average 11 visitors a day! It's a constituency matter.
Nothing to do with Whitehall.
What's your interest? - A question of principle.
- Principle? What you used to tell me politics was about.
- What principle? - The principle of taking money away from the arts and putting it into football.
A football club is a commercial operation.
There's no cause for subsidy if it runs out of money.
- Why not? - Why not? Yes.
There's no difference between subsidising football and art.
Except more people are interested in football.
- Our cultural heritage has to be preserved.
- For whom? For people like you, you mean, the educated middle classes.
Why should others subsidise the pleasures of the middle-class few? Theatre, opera, ballet! - Subsidising art is a middle-class rip-off.
- Oh, Minister, how can you say such a thing? Subsidy is about education, preserving the pinnacles of our civilisation.
- Or hadn't you noticed? - Don't patronise me.
I believe in education.
I'm a graduate of the London School of Economics, remember.
I'm glad to learn that even the LSE is not totally opposed to education.
Nothing wrong with subsidising sport.
Sport is educational.
We have sex education too.
Should we subsidise sex? Could we? Let us choose what we subsidise by the extent of popular demand.
- Nothing wrong with that.
It's democratic.
- It's the thin end of the wedge! What would happen to the Royal Opera House, the very summit of our cultural achievement? Very good case in point.
What do they do? Mozart, Wagner, Verdi, Puccini.
Germans and Italians, not our culture.
Why should we subsidise the culture of the Axis powers? Our European partners, Minister! The Royal Opera House gets nine-and-a-half million pounds of public money every year.
And for what? The public can't afford £30 seats and if it could there aren't enough of them.
The vast majority of the audience consists of big business executives block-booked by the banks and oil companies and multinationals and people like you.
The Royal Opera House is the establishment at play.
Why should the working man pay for the gentry who can perfectly well afford their own seats? Minister, I'm quite frankly appalled.
This is savagery, barbarism.
That a Minister of the Crown should say such things, it's the end of civilisation as we know it, - as well as being a gross distortion of the truth.
- Distortion? - Art cannot survive without public subsidy.
- Did Shakespeare get a subsidy? And films? Films are art and educational.
Why does the establishment ignore their subsidy? Because people like you prefer opera.
We should subsidise relevant art like films that the man in the street can enjoy.
Precisely! They are commercial.
Now, excuse me, I have to go early.
I cannot continue with this appalling discussion.
- Where are you going? - Nowhere.
Well, I'm sorry.
We must talk this through.
I can't.
I have to dress.
Dress? Where are you going? Since you insist, I am going to the Royal Opera House.
Are you really? Gala night, is it? - Yes, it is, since you ask.
- Lots of Permanent Secretaries going? Some, no doubt.
- Off you go, then.
- Thank you.
I don't want to make you late for your works' outing! That's what it is, isn't it? What's on tonight? The Flying Dutchman.
Another of our European partners! - G&T, lan? - Thanks.
Two G&Ts, please, large ones.
And some of those smoked salmon sandwiches you have.
Thank you very much.
- So, how's the environment? - Bit smoky, isn't it? Oh, you mean my department? Chaos, as usual.
- What, the Secretary of State is trying to run it? - I could cope with that.
One of the junior ministers is trying to help him.
Oh, Lord.
Who? - Giles Freeman, the Parli Sec.
- Oh, Lord, him? - Anyhow, what do you want to talk about? - A planning enquiry.
Important we get the right result.
My planning inspectors are absolutely independent.
- Absolutely.
- No undue influence.
No, no, I wouldn't suggest it.
But if it's a question of giving certain informal guidelines - Putting the enquiry into perspective.
- Yes, indeed.
Explaining the background to facilitate an appreciation of the issues and implications.
- That would be quite proper.
- Splendid.
- Ah.
- Thank you very much.
Er, right.
Thank you very much.
Cheers.
So what do you want me to fix? It's an art gallery in the West Midlands.
Proposed demolition of a Grade II listed building.
- I'm sure we can arrange that.
Only too happy.
- Splendid.
We're knocking them down all over the place.
No, no, the proposal has to be rejected.
Really? Why? If it goes through, they'll use the proceeds to save the local football club from bankruptcy.
- Humphrey - I know.
If once you allow the principle of money being taken from the arts and given to ordinary people to enjoy themselves! - I agree.
- Where will it end? Exactly.
- Where did this appalling idea come from? - My lord and master.
He's getting very het up over the sweaty masses.
- Didn't you stop him? What were you thinking of? - It's not me.
It's his constituency.
Apparently he put it to a group of councillors last Saturday and they jumped at it.
I've always said we shouldn't let him out at weekends! He only causes trouble.
You realise where this could lead? Today a Midlands art gallery goes to support the local football club, tomorrow the Royal Opera House grant goes to modernise Wembley Stadium.
My point exactly.
So I can trust you to keep an eye on the planning enquiry? - Well, I can't influence the inspector - 'Course not.
But I'll put someone on it who's overdue for promotion.
Good.
You'll give him a thorough briefing, won't you? Oh, I'm sure he will see the real issue.
Civilisation versus barbarism.
We can't have arts money going to popular sport.
It's simply subsidising self-indulgence.
Exactly.
Minister, before we go over today's diary, there's something I'd like to suggest, if I may be so bold.
- Be as bold as you like.
- Well, I feel, and I say this with respect, you shouldn't get too involved with this football club affair.
That is bold, isn't it? It's a constituency matter.
Better for me to be "bold" than you to be stumped, Minister! Very droll.
It's axiomatic in Whitehall that even an MP, let alone a minister, should never take part in a planning enquiry in his own constituency.
- Why not? - Because of finely-balanced local issues.
You'll offend as many constituents as you'll please.
It's especially dangerous if there's a quango in the wings.
No.
Issues aren't finely-balanced.
Everyone's on the same side, except a few wet, long-haired scruffy art lovers! We'll take a look at your diary for this morning.
Oh, fine.
10.
15, Secretary General of the Arts Council, the biggest quango of all.
10.
45, Historic Monuments Association, 11.
00, The National Trust.
11.
15, Country Landowners Association, 11.
30, Council for Protection of Rural England - Rural England? - There's quite a lot of it out there! - Why are all these people coming to see me? - The art gallery, Minister.
It's the arts and architecture mafia.
- 11.
45, the Country Crafts and Folklore Council.
- Who are they? The raffia mafia.
Influential people coming out of the woodwork.
There'll be letters in The Times, hostile articles in the Sundays, you'll be called a vandal.
They'll orchestrate opposition in your constituency.
Why did you put them in my diary? I didn't ask you to.
What were you thinking? - I was thinking of Sir Humphrey.
He asked me to.
- No.
I'm going to support this excellent scheme, come what may.
As you will.
May I just have your approval for this local government allowances amendment? It's a statutory instrument to go before the House.
As Minister for Local Government, you need to authorise that revised paragraph 5, Number 2 regulation 1971 shall come into operation on March 18th, revoking regulation 7 of the local government allowances amendment regulations 1954b.
What the hell's all that mean? There is an explanatory note.
"These regulations make provision "for prescribing allowances payable to members of local authorities.
"Explanatory note, regulation 3 of the local government allowances amendment (1971) "(the 1971 regulations) "Substituted a new regulation for regulation 3 of the 1954 regulations.
"Regulation 3 of the local government allowances amendment regulations 1972, "(the 1972 regulations) further made amends regulation 3 of the 1954 regulations "by increasing the maximum rates of attendance and financial loss allowances.
" - I haven't the faintest - "Regulation 7, 1982, "revoked both regulations 3 and 5 of the 1971 regulations, "regulation 5 being a regulation revoking earlier spent regulations, "with effect from 1st April next.
"These regulations preserve regulations 3 and 5 of the 1971 regulations "by revoking regulation 7 of the 1972 regulations.
" That's an explanatory note? Yes, I think that's all quite clear.
Why must I listen to this piddling gobbledegook? I thought it would be an opportune moment for you to ensure that as a result of your ministerial efforts, local councillors will get more for attending meetings.
- Oh, is that what it means? - Yes.
Excellent.
It is, as you say, opportune.
- And may I make one further small suggestion? - Be my guest.
Sir Humphrey had a word with Sir lan Whitworth last night.
- Lan Whitworth! - The Corn Exchange is a listed building, so one of his planning inspectors will conduct the enquiry.
Sir Humphrey and Sir lan will give him some informal guidelines.
How do you mean, "informal guidelines"? Guidelines are perfectly proper.
Everyone has guidelines for their work.
I thought planning inspectors were impartial? Oh, really, Minister! So they are.
Railway trains are impartial too.
But if you lay down the lines for them, that's the way they go! - But that's not fair! - It's politics, Minister.
What has Sir Humphrey got to do with politics? He's a civil servant.
I'm the one in politics! Yes, Minister, indeed you are! How do they intend to put pressure on this planning inspector? Planning inspectors have an independent hierarchy.
A vulnerable one is one anxious for promotion.
How are planning inspectors chosen for an enquiry? Could a minister interfere? - Ministers are our lords and masters.
- Good.
The Parli Sec at the Department of the Environment is an old friend, Giles Freeman.
Well, if Mr Freeman could arrange for an inspector who didn't care about promotion, if, for instance, he's about to retire, he'll probably reach a verdict favouring the community rather than the department.
Good! Get me Giles on the phone, would you? His Private Secretary says he can meet you in the lobby after the vote this evening.
Bernard, have you ever thought of going into politics? - Oh, no, Minister.
- Why not? - I once looked it up in my thesaurus.
- What did it say? Manipulation, intrigue, wire-pulling, evasion, graft, rabble-rousing I'd prefer to leave that to our lords and masters.
I don't think I have the necessary qualities.
Don't underestimate yourself, Bernard! Now it seems Hacker has got at Giles Freeman, the Parli Sec in my department, who insisted on appointing a different planning inspector to the one I chose! One who'd be sympathetic to Hacker's scheme.
- This is rather worrying.
- Worrying? It's desperate! There's now every danger that the planning inspector could make up his own mind! There's likely to be huge local support for the scheme.
- But how can I help? - I hoped you'd have some ideas, Arnold.
Wait a minute! I've thought of something.
When the departmental reorganisation occurs next week you could make Hacker Cabinet Minister responsible for the arts! - But isn't he a complete philistine? - Yes.
But then the Industry Secretary is the idlest man in town.
The Education Secretary is illiterate! The Employment Secretary is unemployable! Quite.
That's good thinking, Humphrey.
Hacker can hardly start out as Cabinet Minister for the arts by closing down an art gallery.
- Exactly.
- But it's not a reshuffle, is it? No, I simply meant reorganise.
Move the arts and telecommunications into the purview of the DAA.
Arts and television together? What have they got to do with each other? They're complete opposites.
Wouldn't we be creating a monster department? You've already got local government as well.
- Arts and local government go well together.
- How so? Well, the art of jiggery-pokery! You only just thought of this here and now, did you? - Yes, why? - Bit of an artist yourself, aren't you? Oh, Arnold! - Anything more, Bernard? - Sir Humphrey wants a word before your meeting about Aston Wanderers.
But I'm unshakeable on that! It's no good, Humphrey, my mind is made up.
You might be interested in a new development, the government reshuffle.
- You said it was just a reorganisation.
- Not JUST a reorganisation.
A reorganisation.
I'm delighted to tell you that it has brought us, brought YOU, new honour and importance.
In addition to existing responsibilities, you will be Cabinet Minister responsible for the arts.
I say, that's rather good, isn't it! Hold on, how do you know before I do? I just happened to be with the Cabinet Secretary shortly after the decision was taken.
I see.
Cabinet Minister with responsibility for the arts! - Well, well, well! - Yes, indeed.
Anything more? I'm about to start a meeting.
Oh, the meeting, yes.
I do hope you've considered the implications of your new appointment on the subject.
- Rescuing a football club? - No, no.
I was wondering how it would look if as Minister responsible for the arts, your first act was to knock down an art gallery.
It's quite a decent little art gallery - Exactly.
- Interesting building.
- Grade II listed.
- Minister, your meeting Oh, my God! What am I going to say? - Councillors Wilkinson, Noble and Green.
- Brian, good to see you.
Pete Doug.
Sir Humphrey Appleby, my Permanent Secretary.
You mean he's only a temp! It's going great, Jim.
We've got all the political parties with us and the County Council.
All we need is your approval for using the sale of the art gallery as a loan to the club.
Well, I'm afraid there's a snag.
- You said there weren't any! - Well, there is.
Well, it's just that Well It appears Well, it seems Well, I should say it has emerged Sir Humphrey can explain better than me.
It can't be done, gentlemen.
Er, the art gallery is It's a trust.
- Terms of the original bequest.
- Yes, it's a trust.
We shall have to knock something else down! School, church, hospital There's bound to be something! I can't believe this.
So I have to tell people back home you've gone back on your word? - It was your own idea! - It's not me, it's the law.
Why didn't you find out till now? - Well - A-hem.
Let me be absolutely frank with you.
The truth is, it would be possible to push this through, just possible, - but it would take an awful long time.
- OK, we've spent enough.
Trouble is, something else would have to go by the board.
The thing that's taking my time at the moment is forcing through councillors' expenses and attendance allowances.
I can't put my personal weight behind both schemes.
I suppose I could forget about the increased allowances for councillors and concentrate on the legal obstacles, the sale of the art gallery.
- Tricky things, legal obstacles.
- This is a particularly tricky one.
At the end of the day, you might still fail.
- Every possibility.
- If that's the way it is there's a chance we might want to close Edgehill primary at the end of the year That site would fetch a couple of million, give or take.
Well, there it is, then.
No ill feelings to you.
Good.
And you'll explain locally that we can't overcome the legal obstacles? 'Course we will.
Carry on with the good work! Oh, Minister, a work of art.
- If you'll excuse me, I have to dress.
- Another works' outing? - Er, Humphrey - Minister? - As Cabinet Minister responsible for the arts - Hmm? could I come too? Yes, Minister!