Yes, Prime Minister (2013) s01e01 Episode Script
Crisis at the Summit
Yes, Primeminister (2013) - Season01 - Episode 01 - Crisis at the Summit GhostedNet There's been no breakthrough in the month-long negotiations to find a way out of Europe's financial crisis.
Getting the French, Germans and British out of their economic mess has so far eluded all three governments, with the result that Greece, Ireland, Spain, Portugal and Italy are still economic disaster zones teetering on the edge of bankruptcy.
When the Prime Minister emerged from the talks earlier this morning, he seemed surprisingly calm, yet he refused to speak to reporters.
We understand that he's due to appear on the One O'Clock News before going to Chequers for the weekend.
So, Prime Minister, the pound is falling, the FTSE is dropping like a stone, inflation could be on the way up, your coalition is divided, and now the conference on the Euro crisis looks like a dead end.
It's all a bit of a disaster, isn't it? You know, I'm glad you asked me that.
- So would you like to give us an answer? - Yes.
Yes, it looks like a disaster? No, no, it's not a disaster and yes, I'd like to answer the question.
Please don't interrupt until after I've finished speaking.
To you, it may look like a disaster, but you don't know what's been going on inside Lancaster House.
- No, that's why I'm asking about it.
- No.
No, you're asking if it's all a disaster.
Typically loaded question.
Completely prejudicial.
Have you ever considered asking something open-minded like, "How are negotiations going?" Fine.
How are negotiations going? Well, obviously, I can't tell you that, they're they're confidential.
But I can tell you there has been much progress, a frank exchange of views, and we all have an increasingly clear understanding of the situation.
Like the crew of the Titanic when they hit the iceberg? No, there's a great deal of goodwill and each country wants an agreement.
But each country wants a different agreement.
If we all wanted the same thing, we wouldn't be here negotiating.
There'd be no need to negotiate.
No, the fact of the matter is, we all have to pull together, tighten our belts, we need some give and take.
'Because if, at the end of the day, 'we all want a better tomorrow, ' we're all in the same boat.
The SS Titanic.
No, not the Titanic! Nothing else to ask? I was waiting to be sure I wasn't interrupting.
Today's Friday.
Monday is the last day of this economic summit.
Is there any likelihood of an agreement by then? The Treaty of Rome wasn't built in a day, you know.
(HE CHUCKLES) At the very least, we'll have done some invaluable groundwork for the next conference.
You said that after the last conference.
I did.
And, do you know, I believe that consistency is important.
Thank you, Prime Minister.
Thank you.
'And the main headline again - there is still no sign of agreement 'at the Lancaster House conference.
'The Prime Minister has denied 'that the European Union is sailing on the Titanic.
'And now the weather.
' 'It's a gloomy forecast for the next couple of days 'with further severe thunderstorms, I'm afraid, 'heading in towards London and the Home Counties' Why did you allow him to give that interview? I couldn't stop him, Sir Humphrey.
He's so desperate for attention.
Everything's so awful.
What is awful, Bernard? All these jobs going.
Interest rates.
Repossessions.
Fear of inflation.
Oh, yes.
Terrible.
You don't sound terribly worried, Sir Humphrey.
Bernard, I'm not being sacked, repossessed or inflated.
Nor is the Prime Minister, but he's worried stiff.
Well, so he should be.
You don't sympathise with him? Bernard, that's the deal.
That's how prime ministers' careers go.
They get to be on the front page every day for years, which they love.
They travel the long path, Bernard, from euphoric triumph to ignominious failure.
And then they make way for the next saviour of the nation.
It's called democracy.
It beats me why anyone would want to be Prime Minister.
It's the only top job that requires no previous experience.
No training, no qualifications and limited intelligence.
Sir Humphrey, you do believe in democracy, don't you? Do I, Bernard? Well, actually, no.
Not as most people understand it.
You see, Bernard, democracy should not be about executing the will of the people.
No, it should be the process whereby we secure the consent of the people to the policies of those qualified to decide on their behalf.
Like who? Like us, Bernard! Well, I believe in democracy, Sir Humphrey.
It does you credit.
And if all the voters were as informed and as intelligent as Well, say me, or even you, Bernard, then, yes, that could possibly work.
But it's hardly realistic.
Well, obviously, we have to stop the government from making stupid mistakes.
But I am there to help him.
Bernard, we have a leadership crisis in this country and if the government can't or won't exercise it, it falls to us, whether we want it or not.
I know.
Power abhors a vacuum.
And we are currently led by one.
And it's made even worse because he has no overall majority.
A hung parliament's a bad thing? Yes, Bernard, hanging's too good for them.
Well at least the coalition agreement that they came up with seems reasonable.
Well, of course it is, Bernard, I wrote it for them.
If the Prime Minister wants to do something silly, we can make sure that his coalition partners stop him.
And we should exercise power, Bernard, because we have nothing to gain or lose personally.
We have respectable salaries, honours, an office, a chauffeur Well, I haven't got a chauffeur.
You will, Bernard, when you grow up.
We end up with an index-linked pension, a bank directorship, a couple of nicely remunerated quangos and a cottage in the Dordogne.
So we can be even-handed in our judgments and make them entirely in the public interest.
That interview went pretty well, didn't it? Didn't you think so? You didn't think so? Well, it wasn't that bad, was it? Was it? You thought it was that bad? Oh, my God! Why did you give that interview? Somebody has to give a positive impression.
Honestly, Jim, I am head of your policy unit, I wish you'd talk to me before revealing to the nation just how awful everything is.
Will you be able to get some sort of agreement? Doesn't look like it.
Dealing with the Europeans is like herding cats.
Being President of Europe isn't enough.
Europe is an empire, it needs an emperor.
You mean you.
Well, of course, it's not for Yeah, please don't say that to the BBC.
No.
No, I'll try not to.
We can't govern Europe without joining the euro.
Why not? We governed India without joining the rupee.
So what's the agenda for this weekend? Oh, find a way of ending this conference without looking like a complete idiot.
Um, why haven't you invited the Foreign Secretary to Chequers? The Foreign Secretary? Well, he does have an interest.
His only interest is in pushing me overboard and taking my job.
And you haven't invited the Chancellor either.
No, Sir Humphrey advised me not to ask either of them, actually.
Why not? He wants a quiet weekend, he says, just the home team you, me, him and Bernard.
Hmm, that's so unlike him.
He's up to something.
I'll find out.
And we'll try to come up with some sort of final communique.
That'll make it a success? Claire, dealing with Europe isn't about achieving success, it's about concealing failure.
PHONE RINGS Yes? The Prime Minister's arrived.
How does he sound? Irritable.
Ah.
But things may not seem so bad soon when we tell the Prime Minister about Kumranistan.
European Central Bank to the rescue.
Bernard! Do not mention the ECB to the Prime Minister.
No, Sir Humphrey.
And whatever you do, don't let him know that that Kumranistan plan is dependent on our joining the euro.
But it does say so in the ECB proposal.
Yes, but not until page 67, and he never gets beyond page three of anything.
And then he jumps to the last paragraph.
But conceal this report, just in case.
Vehicle Licensing Centre, Swansea? Yes.
Bottom of the, er, fifth box.
Fifth box.
He'll never find it.
This had better work, Bernard.
You know his views on Europe.
Well, I know he's afraid Brussels wants to take away most of his powers.
They already have.
And so they should.
All we need him to do is to preside at tonight's dinner, pretend he's read this Kumranistan plan, and leave the rest to us.
Sorry I'm late! It's been a terrible day.
Any particular reason? You've read about the Cabinet split? Yes.
And you've seen what's happened to the FTSE? Yes.
And the pound? Yes.
And the inflation forecast? Yes.
And the rising unemployment figures? Yes.
So how many particular reasons do you want? Well And now this Lancaster House conference is turning into a catastrophe.
Well, it was your idea to convene it.
If you become President of Europe in the middle of the biggest financial crisis for 80 years Prime Minister, with respect, there is no such title as President of Europe.
Oh, you are so pedantic, Bernard! All right, what is my official title, then? President of the European Council? Ah, no, Prime Minister, the Presidency of the European Council went to the Belgian Prime Minister.
Who is completely unknown! Well, obviously, he's Belgian.
And not elected.
Appointed, in secret! Of course, you wouldn't have a problem with that, would you, Humphrey? Oh, Prime Minister, you do me an injustice.
I am all in favour of elections, provided the right people do the voting.
I don't understand this.
I'm sure I'm President of the Council.
I remember being in the Chair.
Well, it is a little confusing, Prime Minister.
You see, we, the British, have the Presidency of the Council of the European Union That's what I said! Er, no.
The European Council and the Council of the European Union are not the same thing.
The President of the European Council is there for 30 months and is in charge of Well, preparing the agenda and chairing the meetings of the European Council.
Whereas the Presidency of the Council of the European Union is held for six months each by rotating states, and not by individual leaders, and not by you.
So which of them really runs Europe? Oh, I see! Neither.
Eh , Prime Minister, let me simplify it for you.
The European Union is run on an intricate and sophisticated system based on an hierarchical structure of interlocking and overlapping jurisdictions, designed to separate the powers while reinforcing the authority of the departments, institutions and agencies who collectively and separately control and supervise the diverse activities of the Union and its associated organisations.
So Europe is actually run by the President of the European Commission, who is akin to the Prime Minister of Europe because he's elected and he heads a Cabinet government.
But the President of the Council, he is, in fact, appointed, not elected, and he presides over the meetings of that Council, which is not the Cabinet.
Then, Prime Minister, there is the Council of the European Union.
Now, Britain currently has that presidency and while you are the rotating president, the presidency itself is not yours personally.
That simplifies it?! Prime Minister, what it all boils down to, as far as you're concerned, is the difference between years of being head of an empire of nearly 500 million people and chairing the Council of Ministers for six months.
The fact of the matter is, I am the President, or I have the presidency I don't give a hoot what we call it! And I convened the conference on this dreadful recession and the resulting Euro crisis.
I had to do something.
And the conference was something, so you did it.
Well done.
But now it's falling apart, which might just about finish me.
Well, Prime Minister, it might not be falling apart.
Oh, did you see my interview on TV this lunchtime? Yes, Prime Minister.
How was it? What was wrong with it? Ours not to reason why, ours but to do and die.
You just said the conference may not be falling apart.
Don't you know what's going on? Don't you keep up? Haven't you been reading the conference reports? I have.
Have you? Not my fault! The spade work wasn't done properly.
The Foreign Office and the Treasury let me down badly.
I think the Foreign Secretary and the Chancellor are plotting to get rid of me already.
Well, that's why I suggested not inviting them this weekend.
But everyone knows you have to agree the final bulletin before the conference begins.
But instead of having everything nailed down before they all convened, they left it to chance.
Useless! Forsan miseros meliora sequentur.
Oh! Oh, yes, very, very good! What? "For those in misery, perhaps better things will follow.
" Well said, Bernard.
II didn't actually say that.
That was Virgil.
Yes, I know that, Bernard.
It was completely predictable.
The Krauts don't want a stimulus plan, they're terrified of runaway inflation.
That's what destroyed the Weimar Republic and brought them Hitler.
The Wops and the Dagoes are up to their armpits in debt already.
The Frogs only want it if France gets all the benefits Prime Minister, I really think you should stop using these vintage pejorative epithets to describe our allies.
They might slip out in public sometime.
Quite right, Bernard.
Thank you.
And the Micks and the Polacks aren't getting the subsidies they were promised, which they regard as a betrayal.
So it is time for me to get hands-on and give some leadership.
Oh, good.
So Tell me what I should do.
Oh! Now, that's just the kind of leadership we need.
Oh, thank you, Humphrey! And, Prime Minister, we have good news for you.
But late last night we had a breakthrough at Lancaster House.
A new player has appeared on the scene.
The Americans? Are they coming after all? Ah, no, Prime Minster, their position is immutable.
They will not come to this conference because you won't let them chair it.
I can't let them chair a European conference, Humphrey.
Look at the map! Well, it could become an international conference, Prime Minister.
That could save the whole European financial system from melting down again.
Oh, don't be silly Humphrey, I'd lose face.
Oh, yes, of course.
Silly me.
Prime Minister, the Kumranistanis have joined us.
Good! Have I heard of them? Prime Minister, they have oil.
Yes.
Massive new reserves of oil have been found in Kumranistan.
Now, they're offering a possible ten trillion dollar loan to Europe, secured against future purchases.
But that could solve everything! Yes.
Save the conference! Yes.
Save Europe, in fact! BOTH: Yes.
"Triumph for the Prime Minister!" "Victory for the President of Europe!" Er, Prime Minister, you are not "Victory for the President of Europe," Humphrey.
Might even save your job.
My job is perfectly safe.
Other people have survived with small majorities.
Wilson had a majority of four in 1964 and he lasted six years.
But he did have to fight a second election pretty soon to get a working majority.
And Wilson had hair.
What are you saying, Bernard? Well, it's just that no Prime Minister or US President has been elected without a full head of hair since Eisenhower and Churchill in the 1950s.
So I'm saying you did magnificently well to cobble together a majority of two.
I had hair when I was first elected.
I lost my hair in the service of my country.
Indeed you did, Prime Minister.
Indeed.
Prime Minister, this Kumranistan deal could solve all your problems.
Fine.
Where do I sign? No, we're not quite there yet.
They do want something in exchange.
You know where Kumranistan is? Yes.
Well, sort of.
You know, it's over there.
It lies in Turkestan, to the north of Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan and Afghanistan.
Here, in fact.
As I said.
Exactly.
Now, they had been planning to take their oil to Europe through the Soviet pipeline.
They're not Soviets any more, Humphrey.
They're Russians.
They haven't been Soviets for over 20 years.
They still are in spirit, and always will be.
The, um, Russians want a pretty huge payment.
Which Kumranistan does not want to pay, since the Soviets will have their hands on the pipeline tap.
So, with a little prompting from us, the Kumranistanis came up with a plan B a pipeline through Turkey, Greece and southern Europe, avoiding Russia altogether.
What they need now is European agreement.
And that's what they're prepared to lend us ten trillion dollars for.
Why? They want the guarantee of future oil purchases by everyone in the EU.
No, I don't get it.
It's awfully simple, Prime Minister.
Kumranistan will lend Europe the money to buy Kumranistan's oil.
And Europe borrows another ten trillion? More debt?! Oh, the debt is not a problem.
It doesn't have to be repaid for years.
See, we get the money now, interest free, but we repay it in the future when we buy the oil that we will need anyway.
So how do they make their money? Ah, we will have to pay a premium on the oil Ah! But, but, but not for many years to come Ah, we will have to pay a premium on the oil Ah! But, but, but not for many years to come when there will be a different government.
Well, that's all right, then.
Are all the Europeans on board? They are, Prime Minister.
And the problems are what we've been negotiating, as you will have seen in your red boxes.
Yes.
But remind me.
Well, as you'll doubtless remember, the Turks refused to cooperate unless they were admitted to the European Union.
Now, I see their point.
I've always had a soft spot for Johnny Turk.
Johnny Turk? You're on first name terms, then? (PRIME MINISTER CHUCKLES) Oh! (HUMPHREY FORCES LAUGHTER) Yes, that's very droll, Prime Minister.
Turkey is an important ally they are the only Muslim country with a secular democracy, Prime Minister.
We do need Johnny Turk, yes.
Anyway, everything is agreed.
Everyone gets a share in the construction.
Here's the route.
Well, that looks pretty straightforward! We're saved! Yes.
But why didn't I know about all this? It's top secret.
Oh, good God, Humphrey, I'm the Prime Minister! Yes, I know! And what an excellent Prime Minister you are! But this had to be kept under wraps.
If this had leaked this week, the money markets would have gone mad.
I see.
Well, is that everything I need to know? Yes.
Well, there is one more thing.
Bernard! A power group in Kumranistan still want the Russian route.
Oh, Bernard is absolutely right, Prime Minister.
They didn't want to upset the Soviets.
Well, it is understandable - they do share a border.
But the Kumranistan Foreign Secretary, he has come over here to offer us the deal if we want it.
Well, invite him to dinner! Tonight! I did, Prime Minister.
That's why we're here.
And he can do the deal? Now? Yes, he has the authority, Prime Minister, but he needs careful handling.
They are very sensitive about respect.
You get an awful lot of respect for ten trillion dollars.
He can have all mine, for a start.
Oh, excellent, Prime Minister! Bernard! Yes, Prime Minister? There's something you're not happy about.
What is it? Well, I'm not really sure I can Oh, spit it out, Bernard! Well, I Ah.
Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes.
What? "I fear the Greeks, especially when they bring gifts.
" Remember the Trojan Horse, Prime Minister.
The Greeks can't afford gifts! Ah.
Claire? Could you come to my study, please? Now! Right.
(HE MURMURS) (KNOCK ON DOOR) Yes, come in.
Ah, Claire.
There's something I don't know about this pipeline plan.
I've just been finding out about it.
What is it Humphrey hasn't been telling me? Well, how about the truth? What have you found out? Well, I'll tell you when I'm sure.
(HE SIGHS) Maybe there's something in here? Was that the bottom box? Of course.
Yup.
Try the bottom file.
Oh, yes! Vehicle Licensing Centre, Swansea.
Yes! "Proposal for Kumranistan Oil Pipeline.
" I think it could be about the pipeline mechanics.
Oh, I don't care about the mechanics, I'm not an engineer.
No, fiscal mechanics, Jim - financial engineering.
Perhaps Humphrey has arranged for the proposed loan to go through the European Central Bank, and isn't mentioning it.
Is that important? Yes.
Yes.
If so, if we want any of the loan, we'll have to join the euro.
We can't join the euro, it would be a catastrophe! Look what's happened to Greece, Spain, Italy, Ireland, Portugal! Hand over control of interest rates, control of exchange rates, control of the money supply? What if I need to inflate to get re-elected? If the Germans are worried about rising prices, the ECB could deflate and I could get kicked out! Well, candidly, I'm not sure that would bother Sir Humphrey.
Well, let's find out.
Yes, Bernard, tell Humphrey I want to see him, please.
(MOBILE RINGS) No, no, any time within the next ten seconds will do! Yes? It's come through? From the Controller General? Great, could you print it all out? And I'll come and get it right away.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Oh.
Ah, Humphrey! Prime Minister? Do sit down.
Tell me, what would a Cabinet Secretary do if he thought that a Prime Minister was set on a course that was seriously damaging to Britain? Do you have any particular Cabinet Secretary or Prime Minister in mind? No, no, purely hypothetical.
Well, the Cabinet Secretary would have to argue very strongly.
But if he failed to persuade the Prime Minister? No, I mean he'd HAVE to.
Ah.
So what you're saying is he'd have to go along with it or resign.
Er Yes, I suppose I am.
Right! This Kumranistan loan is all good news, isn't it? Oh, tremendous news.
There are no hidden snags, you know? Terms and conditions? Penalty clauses? Tough guarantees? Oh, no.
Nothing like that.
Standard agreement.
Great! Just an ordinary treasury loan, as far as we're concerned? In a sense, yes.
In a sense? Well, in due course, following agreed procedures, after certain formalities.
But the money goes straight to the Treasury? (HUMPHREY CHUCKLES) Oh, it goes to the Treasury, of course, yes.
STRAIGHT to the Treasury? Well broadly speaking, yes.
More or less.
Broadly speaking? How would you describe it if you were narrowly speaking? Does it have to go through the European Central Bank? Prime Minister, we get the money, that is what matters.
Let me put this another way - will this loan be in euros? Prime Minister, I do urge you not to clutter your mind with procedural detail and monetary trivia.
Humphrey! In words of one syllable, is this plan dependent on our abandoning sterling and joining the euro? Well, "dependent" has three syllables and "a-ban-don-ing" has four.
(HUMPHREY FORCES LAUGHTER) But, yes Oh, good heavens! Oh, look at the time, Prime Minster! It's almost time for your dinner with the Kumranistan Foreign Minister.
Now, you really must not be late.
Humphrey! Answer my question! All right, Prime Minister.
You've asked a straight question and I'll give you a straight answer, which, however, clearly depends on its context.
In the course of all financial negotiations, certain provisos have to be pre-cogitated and preconditioned, various caveats have to be postulated, designated, investigated and specified and a number of considerations have to be unequivocally determined, acknowledged, and, indeed, sometimes even conceded, so that we can facilitate the finalisation of preliminary plans to create an epistemological basis for all parties to proceed towards a mutually beneficial consummation, which will acknowledge and safeguard the vital interests of all the participants without jeopardising in any material way the underlying collective benefits ultimately accruing to the signatories, or leaving unresolved any anomalies or irregularities which could precipitate operational uncertainty down the line, so that there will be a presumed modicum of iron-clad reciprocity, which, in the great scheme of things, will be to everybody's advantage.
Did that mean yes or no? Don't you think that yes and no are rather broad and unspecific in their application? No! I want a clear, unambiguous answer.
Certainly.
What was the question again? Is joining the euro a condition of getting the loan? Well, in the sense that, if agreement, at the end of the day Humphrey! I repeat - Is joining the euro a condition of getting the loan? Yes, Prime Minister.
GhostedNet
Getting the French, Germans and British out of their economic mess has so far eluded all three governments, with the result that Greece, Ireland, Spain, Portugal and Italy are still economic disaster zones teetering on the edge of bankruptcy.
When the Prime Minister emerged from the talks earlier this morning, he seemed surprisingly calm, yet he refused to speak to reporters.
We understand that he's due to appear on the One O'Clock News before going to Chequers for the weekend.
So, Prime Minister, the pound is falling, the FTSE is dropping like a stone, inflation could be on the way up, your coalition is divided, and now the conference on the Euro crisis looks like a dead end.
It's all a bit of a disaster, isn't it? You know, I'm glad you asked me that.
- So would you like to give us an answer? - Yes.
Yes, it looks like a disaster? No, no, it's not a disaster and yes, I'd like to answer the question.
Please don't interrupt until after I've finished speaking.
To you, it may look like a disaster, but you don't know what's been going on inside Lancaster House.
- No, that's why I'm asking about it.
- No.
No, you're asking if it's all a disaster.
Typically loaded question.
Completely prejudicial.
Have you ever considered asking something open-minded like, "How are negotiations going?" Fine.
How are negotiations going? Well, obviously, I can't tell you that, they're they're confidential.
But I can tell you there has been much progress, a frank exchange of views, and we all have an increasingly clear understanding of the situation.
Like the crew of the Titanic when they hit the iceberg? No, there's a great deal of goodwill and each country wants an agreement.
But each country wants a different agreement.
If we all wanted the same thing, we wouldn't be here negotiating.
There'd be no need to negotiate.
No, the fact of the matter is, we all have to pull together, tighten our belts, we need some give and take.
'Because if, at the end of the day, 'we all want a better tomorrow, ' we're all in the same boat.
The SS Titanic.
No, not the Titanic! Nothing else to ask? I was waiting to be sure I wasn't interrupting.
Today's Friday.
Monday is the last day of this economic summit.
Is there any likelihood of an agreement by then? The Treaty of Rome wasn't built in a day, you know.
(HE CHUCKLES) At the very least, we'll have done some invaluable groundwork for the next conference.
You said that after the last conference.
I did.
And, do you know, I believe that consistency is important.
Thank you, Prime Minister.
Thank you.
'And the main headline again - there is still no sign of agreement 'at the Lancaster House conference.
'The Prime Minister has denied 'that the European Union is sailing on the Titanic.
'And now the weather.
' 'It's a gloomy forecast for the next couple of days 'with further severe thunderstorms, I'm afraid, 'heading in towards London and the Home Counties' Why did you allow him to give that interview? I couldn't stop him, Sir Humphrey.
He's so desperate for attention.
Everything's so awful.
What is awful, Bernard? All these jobs going.
Interest rates.
Repossessions.
Fear of inflation.
Oh, yes.
Terrible.
You don't sound terribly worried, Sir Humphrey.
Bernard, I'm not being sacked, repossessed or inflated.
Nor is the Prime Minister, but he's worried stiff.
Well, so he should be.
You don't sympathise with him? Bernard, that's the deal.
That's how prime ministers' careers go.
They get to be on the front page every day for years, which they love.
They travel the long path, Bernard, from euphoric triumph to ignominious failure.
And then they make way for the next saviour of the nation.
It's called democracy.
It beats me why anyone would want to be Prime Minister.
It's the only top job that requires no previous experience.
No training, no qualifications and limited intelligence.
Sir Humphrey, you do believe in democracy, don't you? Do I, Bernard? Well, actually, no.
Not as most people understand it.
You see, Bernard, democracy should not be about executing the will of the people.
No, it should be the process whereby we secure the consent of the people to the policies of those qualified to decide on their behalf.
Like who? Like us, Bernard! Well, I believe in democracy, Sir Humphrey.
It does you credit.
And if all the voters were as informed and as intelligent as Well, say me, or even you, Bernard, then, yes, that could possibly work.
But it's hardly realistic.
Well, obviously, we have to stop the government from making stupid mistakes.
But I am there to help him.
Bernard, we have a leadership crisis in this country and if the government can't or won't exercise it, it falls to us, whether we want it or not.
I know.
Power abhors a vacuum.
And we are currently led by one.
And it's made even worse because he has no overall majority.
A hung parliament's a bad thing? Yes, Bernard, hanging's too good for them.
Well at least the coalition agreement that they came up with seems reasonable.
Well, of course it is, Bernard, I wrote it for them.
If the Prime Minister wants to do something silly, we can make sure that his coalition partners stop him.
And we should exercise power, Bernard, because we have nothing to gain or lose personally.
We have respectable salaries, honours, an office, a chauffeur Well, I haven't got a chauffeur.
You will, Bernard, when you grow up.
We end up with an index-linked pension, a bank directorship, a couple of nicely remunerated quangos and a cottage in the Dordogne.
So we can be even-handed in our judgments and make them entirely in the public interest.
That interview went pretty well, didn't it? Didn't you think so? You didn't think so? Well, it wasn't that bad, was it? Was it? You thought it was that bad? Oh, my God! Why did you give that interview? Somebody has to give a positive impression.
Honestly, Jim, I am head of your policy unit, I wish you'd talk to me before revealing to the nation just how awful everything is.
Will you be able to get some sort of agreement? Doesn't look like it.
Dealing with the Europeans is like herding cats.
Being President of Europe isn't enough.
Europe is an empire, it needs an emperor.
You mean you.
Well, of course, it's not for Yeah, please don't say that to the BBC.
No.
No, I'll try not to.
We can't govern Europe without joining the euro.
Why not? We governed India without joining the rupee.
So what's the agenda for this weekend? Oh, find a way of ending this conference without looking like a complete idiot.
Um, why haven't you invited the Foreign Secretary to Chequers? The Foreign Secretary? Well, he does have an interest.
His only interest is in pushing me overboard and taking my job.
And you haven't invited the Chancellor either.
No, Sir Humphrey advised me not to ask either of them, actually.
Why not? He wants a quiet weekend, he says, just the home team you, me, him and Bernard.
Hmm, that's so unlike him.
He's up to something.
I'll find out.
And we'll try to come up with some sort of final communique.
That'll make it a success? Claire, dealing with Europe isn't about achieving success, it's about concealing failure.
PHONE RINGS Yes? The Prime Minister's arrived.
How does he sound? Irritable.
Ah.
But things may not seem so bad soon when we tell the Prime Minister about Kumranistan.
European Central Bank to the rescue.
Bernard! Do not mention the ECB to the Prime Minister.
No, Sir Humphrey.
And whatever you do, don't let him know that that Kumranistan plan is dependent on our joining the euro.
But it does say so in the ECB proposal.
Yes, but not until page 67, and he never gets beyond page three of anything.
And then he jumps to the last paragraph.
But conceal this report, just in case.
Vehicle Licensing Centre, Swansea? Yes.
Bottom of the, er, fifth box.
Fifth box.
He'll never find it.
This had better work, Bernard.
You know his views on Europe.
Well, I know he's afraid Brussels wants to take away most of his powers.
They already have.
And so they should.
All we need him to do is to preside at tonight's dinner, pretend he's read this Kumranistan plan, and leave the rest to us.
Sorry I'm late! It's been a terrible day.
Any particular reason? You've read about the Cabinet split? Yes.
And you've seen what's happened to the FTSE? Yes.
And the pound? Yes.
And the inflation forecast? Yes.
And the rising unemployment figures? Yes.
So how many particular reasons do you want? Well And now this Lancaster House conference is turning into a catastrophe.
Well, it was your idea to convene it.
If you become President of Europe in the middle of the biggest financial crisis for 80 years Prime Minister, with respect, there is no such title as President of Europe.
Oh, you are so pedantic, Bernard! All right, what is my official title, then? President of the European Council? Ah, no, Prime Minister, the Presidency of the European Council went to the Belgian Prime Minister.
Who is completely unknown! Well, obviously, he's Belgian.
And not elected.
Appointed, in secret! Of course, you wouldn't have a problem with that, would you, Humphrey? Oh, Prime Minister, you do me an injustice.
I am all in favour of elections, provided the right people do the voting.
I don't understand this.
I'm sure I'm President of the Council.
I remember being in the Chair.
Well, it is a little confusing, Prime Minister.
You see, we, the British, have the Presidency of the Council of the European Union That's what I said! Er, no.
The European Council and the Council of the European Union are not the same thing.
The President of the European Council is there for 30 months and is in charge of Well, preparing the agenda and chairing the meetings of the European Council.
Whereas the Presidency of the Council of the European Union is held for six months each by rotating states, and not by individual leaders, and not by you.
So which of them really runs Europe? Oh, I see! Neither.
Eh , Prime Minister, let me simplify it for you.
The European Union is run on an intricate and sophisticated system based on an hierarchical structure of interlocking and overlapping jurisdictions, designed to separate the powers while reinforcing the authority of the departments, institutions and agencies who collectively and separately control and supervise the diverse activities of the Union and its associated organisations.
So Europe is actually run by the President of the European Commission, who is akin to the Prime Minister of Europe because he's elected and he heads a Cabinet government.
But the President of the Council, he is, in fact, appointed, not elected, and he presides over the meetings of that Council, which is not the Cabinet.
Then, Prime Minister, there is the Council of the European Union.
Now, Britain currently has that presidency and while you are the rotating president, the presidency itself is not yours personally.
That simplifies it?! Prime Minister, what it all boils down to, as far as you're concerned, is the difference between years of being head of an empire of nearly 500 million people and chairing the Council of Ministers for six months.
The fact of the matter is, I am the President, or I have the presidency I don't give a hoot what we call it! And I convened the conference on this dreadful recession and the resulting Euro crisis.
I had to do something.
And the conference was something, so you did it.
Well done.
But now it's falling apart, which might just about finish me.
Well, Prime Minister, it might not be falling apart.
Oh, did you see my interview on TV this lunchtime? Yes, Prime Minister.
How was it? What was wrong with it? Ours not to reason why, ours but to do and die.
You just said the conference may not be falling apart.
Don't you know what's going on? Don't you keep up? Haven't you been reading the conference reports? I have.
Have you? Not my fault! The spade work wasn't done properly.
The Foreign Office and the Treasury let me down badly.
I think the Foreign Secretary and the Chancellor are plotting to get rid of me already.
Well, that's why I suggested not inviting them this weekend.
But everyone knows you have to agree the final bulletin before the conference begins.
But instead of having everything nailed down before they all convened, they left it to chance.
Useless! Forsan miseros meliora sequentur.
Oh! Oh, yes, very, very good! What? "For those in misery, perhaps better things will follow.
" Well said, Bernard.
II didn't actually say that.
That was Virgil.
Yes, I know that, Bernard.
It was completely predictable.
The Krauts don't want a stimulus plan, they're terrified of runaway inflation.
That's what destroyed the Weimar Republic and brought them Hitler.
The Wops and the Dagoes are up to their armpits in debt already.
The Frogs only want it if France gets all the benefits Prime Minister, I really think you should stop using these vintage pejorative epithets to describe our allies.
They might slip out in public sometime.
Quite right, Bernard.
Thank you.
And the Micks and the Polacks aren't getting the subsidies they were promised, which they regard as a betrayal.
So it is time for me to get hands-on and give some leadership.
Oh, good.
So Tell me what I should do.
Oh! Now, that's just the kind of leadership we need.
Oh, thank you, Humphrey! And, Prime Minister, we have good news for you.
But late last night we had a breakthrough at Lancaster House.
A new player has appeared on the scene.
The Americans? Are they coming after all? Ah, no, Prime Minster, their position is immutable.
They will not come to this conference because you won't let them chair it.
I can't let them chair a European conference, Humphrey.
Look at the map! Well, it could become an international conference, Prime Minister.
That could save the whole European financial system from melting down again.
Oh, don't be silly Humphrey, I'd lose face.
Oh, yes, of course.
Silly me.
Prime Minister, the Kumranistanis have joined us.
Good! Have I heard of them? Prime Minister, they have oil.
Yes.
Massive new reserves of oil have been found in Kumranistan.
Now, they're offering a possible ten trillion dollar loan to Europe, secured against future purchases.
But that could solve everything! Yes.
Save the conference! Yes.
Save Europe, in fact! BOTH: Yes.
"Triumph for the Prime Minister!" "Victory for the President of Europe!" Er, Prime Minister, you are not "Victory for the President of Europe," Humphrey.
Might even save your job.
My job is perfectly safe.
Other people have survived with small majorities.
Wilson had a majority of four in 1964 and he lasted six years.
But he did have to fight a second election pretty soon to get a working majority.
And Wilson had hair.
What are you saying, Bernard? Well, it's just that no Prime Minister or US President has been elected without a full head of hair since Eisenhower and Churchill in the 1950s.
So I'm saying you did magnificently well to cobble together a majority of two.
I had hair when I was first elected.
I lost my hair in the service of my country.
Indeed you did, Prime Minister.
Indeed.
Prime Minister, this Kumranistan deal could solve all your problems.
Fine.
Where do I sign? No, we're not quite there yet.
They do want something in exchange.
You know where Kumranistan is? Yes.
Well, sort of.
You know, it's over there.
It lies in Turkestan, to the north of Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan and Afghanistan.
Here, in fact.
As I said.
Exactly.
Now, they had been planning to take their oil to Europe through the Soviet pipeline.
They're not Soviets any more, Humphrey.
They're Russians.
They haven't been Soviets for over 20 years.
They still are in spirit, and always will be.
The, um, Russians want a pretty huge payment.
Which Kumranistan does not want to pay, since the Soviets will have their hands on the pipeline tap.
So, with a little prompting from us, the Kumranistanis came up with a plan B a pipeline through Turkey, Greece and southern Europe, avoiding Russia altogether.
What they need now is European agreement.
And that's what they're prepared to lend us ten trillion dollars for.
Why? They want the guarantee of future oil purchases by everyone in the EU.
No, I don't get it.
It's awfully simple, Prime Minister.
Kumranistan will lend Europe the money to buy Kumranistan's oil.
And Europe borrows another ten trillion? More debt?! Oh, the debt is not a problem.
It doesn't have to be repaid for years.
See, we get the money now, interest free, but we repay it in the future when we buy the oil that we will need anyway.
So how do they make their money? Ah, we will have to pay a premium on the oil Ah! But, but, but not for many years to come Ah, we will have to pay a premium on the oil Ah! But, but, but not for many years to come when there will be a different government.
Well, that's all right, then.
Are all the Europeans on board? They are, Prime Minister.
And the problems are what we've been negotiating, as you will have seen in your red boxes.
Yes.
But remind me.
Well, as you'll doubtless remember, the Turks refused to cooperate unless they were admitted to the European Union.
Now, I see their point.
I've always had a soft spot for Johnny Turk.
Johnny Turk? You're on first name terms, then? (PRIME MINISTER CHUCKLES) Oh! (HUMPHREY FORCES LAUGHTER) Yes, that's very droll, Prime Minister.
Turkey is an important ally they are the only Muslim country with a secular democracy, Prime Minister.
We do need Johnny Turk, yes.
Anyway, everything is agreed.
Everyone gets a share in the construction.
Here's the route.
Well, that looks pretty straightforward! We're saved! Yes.
But why didn't I know about all this? It's top secret.
Oh, good God, Humphrey, I'm the Prime Minister! Yes, I know! And what an excellent Prime Minister you are! But this had to be kept under wraps.
If this had leaked this week, the money markets would have gone mad.
I see.
Well, is that everything I need to know? Yes.
Well, there is one more thing.
Bernard! A power group in Kumranistan still want the Russian route.
Oh, Bernard is absolutely right, Prime Minister.
They didn't want to upset the Soviets.
Well, it is understandable - they do share a border.
But the Kumranistan Foreign Secretary, he has come over here to offer us the deal if we want it.
Well, invite him to dinner! Tonight! I did, Prime Minister.
That's why we're here.
And he can do the deal? Now? Yes, he has the authority, Prime Minister, but he needs careful handling.
They are very sensitive about respect.
You get an awful lot of respect for ten trillion dollars.
He can have all mine, for a start.
Oh, excellent, Prime Minister! Bernard! Yes, Prime Minister? There's something you're not happy about.
What is it? Well, I'm not really sure I can Oh, spit it out, Bernard! Well, I Ah.
Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes.
What? "I fear the Greeks, especially when they bring gifts.
" Remember the Trojan Horse, Prime Minister.
The Greeks can't afford gifts! Ah.
Claire? Could you come to my study, please? Now! Right.
(HE MURMURS) (KNOCK ON DOOR) Yes, come in.
Ah, Claire.
There's something I don't know about this pipeline plan.
I've just been finding out about it.
What is it Humphrey hasn't been telling me? Well, how about the truth? What have you found out? Well, I'll tell you when I'm sure.
(HE SIGHS) Maybe there's something in here? Was that the bottom box? Of course.
Yup.
Try the bottom file.
Oh, yes! Vehicle Licensing Centre, Swansea.
Yes! "Proposal for Kumranistan Oil Pipeline.
" I think it could be about the pipeline mechanics.
Oh, I don't care about the mechanics, I'm not an engineer.
No, fiscal mechanics, Jim - financial engineering.
Perhaps Humphrey has arranged for the proposed loan to go through the European Central Bank, and isn't mentioning it.
Is that important? Yes.
Yes.
If so, if we want any of the loan, we'll have to join the euro.
We can't join the euro, it would be a catastrophe! Look what's happened to Greece, Spain, Italy, Ireland, Portugal! Hand over control of interest rates, control of exchange rates, control of the money supply? What if I need to inflate to get re-elected? If the Germans are worried about rising prices, the ECB could deflate and I could get kicked out! Well, candidly, I'm not sure that would bother Sir Humphrey.
Well, let's find out.
Yes, Bernard, tell Humphrey I want to see him, please.
(MOBILE RINGS) No, no, any time within the next ten seconds will do! Yes? It's come through? From the Controller General? Great, could you print it all out? And I'll come and get it right away.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Oh.
Ah, Humphrey! Prime Minister? Do sit down.
Tell me, what would a Cabinet Secretary do if he thought that a Prime Minister was set on a course that was seriously damaging to Britain? Do you have any particular Cabinet Secretary or Prime Minister in mind? No, no, purely hypothetical.
Well, the Cabinet Secretary would have to argue very strongly.
But if he failed to persuade the Prime Minister? No, I mean he'd HAVE to.
Ah.
So what you're saying is he'd have to go along with it or resign.
Er Yes, I suppose I am.
Right! This Kumranistan loan is all good news, isn't it? Oh, tremendous news.
There are no hidden snags, you know? Terms and conditions? Penalty clauses? Tough guarantees? Oh, no.
Nothing like that.
Standard agreement.
Great! Just an ordinary treasury loan, as far as we're concerned? In a sense, yes.
In a sense? Well, in due course, following agreed procedures, after certain formalities.
But the money goes straight to the Treasury? (HUMPHREY CHUCKLES) Oh, it goes to the Treasury, of course, yes.
STRAIGHT to the Treasury? Well broadly speaking, yes.
More or less.
Broadly speaking? How would you describe it if you were narrowly speaking? Does it have to go through the European Central Bank? Prime Minister, we get the money, that is what matters.
Let me put this another way - will this loan be in euros? Prime Minister, I do urge you not to clutter your mind with procedural detail and monetary trivia.
Humphrey! In words of one syllable, is this plan dependent on our abandoning sterling and joining the euro? Well, "dependent" has three syllables and "a-ban-don-ing" has four.
(HUMPHREY FORCES LAUGHTER) But, yes Oh, good heavens! Oh, look at the time, Prime Minster! It's almost time for your dinner with the Kumranistan Foreign Minister.
Now, you really must not be late.
Humphrey! Answer my question! All right, Prime Minister.
You've asked a straight question and I'll give you a straight answer, which, however, clearly depends on its context.
In the course of all financial negotiations, certain provisos have to be pre-cogitated and preconditioned, various caveats have to be postulated, designated, investigated and specified and a number of considerations have to be unequivocally determined, acknowledged, and, indeed, sometimes even conceded, so that we can facilitate the finalisation of preliminary plans to create an epistemological basis for all parties to proceed towards a mutually beneficial consummation, which will acknowledge and safeguard the vital interests of all the participants without jeopardising in any material way the underlying collective benefits ultimately accruing to the signatories, or leaving unresolved any anomalies or irregularities which could precipitate operational uncertainty down the line, so that there will be a presumed modicum of iron-clad reciprocity, which, in the great scheme of things, will be to everybody's advantage.
Did that mean yes or no? Don't you think that yes and no are rather broad and unspecific in their application? No! I want a clear, unambiguous answer.
Certainly.
What was the question again? Is joining the euro a condition of getting the loan? Well, in the sense that, if agreement, at the end of the day Humphrey! I repeat - Is joining the euro a condition of getting the loan? Yes, Prime Minister.
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