YOU (2018) s03e01 Episode Script
And They Lived Happily Ever After
1
[Joe] I've always believed in The One.
That there's someone out there for me.
A perfect match, a soulmate.
- And for The One, I would do anything.
- [screams]
I've had my heart broken more than once.
Rot in there, you psychotic asshole.
And things haven't always
been easy in my life.
[gunshot]
What did you do?
[Joe] But all that felt worth it
when I met Love Quinn.
I wolf you.
[Joe] I loved her.
I embraced all of her,
even the hard parts.
[Dottie] All you ever have to do is keep
your brother safe. You failed.
[shouts]
[Joe] But I was wrong about Love.
Find a city. When you get there,
I'll help you get legal ID,
I will send you money, not abandon you.
Burn in hell.
[Joe] And by then, it was too late.
We can be together now.
I don't think we can.
- [Joe] Really, really, truly.
- No, I'm pregnant!
[Joe] And then I realized
who I really need to protect.
Our daughter.
For her, I moved to some soulless,
wealthy suburb outside San Francisco.
For her, I'd marry the monster,
her mother.
For her, I'd lock myself into this prison.
Not sure how I'm ever going
to get us both out.
But there's one part of the old me
I can't quite shake.
I still believe in The One.
That the right person is out there for me.
I never thought to wonder
what happens after boy gets girl.
'Cause we know:
"And they lived happily ever after."
Fade to black, roll credits.
I should have asked more questions.
'Cause I've been in
some harrowing situations in my life.
- But this?
- [baby crying]
I could really use a map.
[Dottie] Joe. Joe.
That's your cue.
It's time to cut the umbilical cord.
[monitor beeping]
[Joe] But I've forged my way
in the dark before, I can do it now.
I have to.
To protect my daughter.
Congratulations, Dad. It's a boy.
- It's a boy?
- Hey.
- Hi.
- [Joe] I'm fucked.
And so is he.
[continues crying]
- Careful. Careful.
- And what's our future president's name?
Henry.
[nurse] Does he have a middle name?
Forty Quinn-Goldberg.
We were told it would be a girl.
[nurse] Oh, probably just shy.
- Kept the goods hidden.
- Karma. God owed us a boy.
[Joe] As I was saying, fucked.
[upbeat music playing]
[Joe] Now that the baby's here,
at least our white picket purgatory
feels logical.
We moved to Madre Linda
for the schools, after all.
When that patented NorCal fog burns off,
you can see for miles.
Miles of nosy neighbors,
peering suspiciously
from behind lawn care equipment
and video doorbells.
But, hey, safest neighborhood
in the Golden State.
And who wouldn't sell their soul for that?
We have everything.
So he has everything.
The perfect family,
funded by Quinn blood money.
We wanted to get here all on our own.
You compromise when you have to,
when it's for them.
Welcome home, Forty.
Maybe we can use his real name.
We're a family.
[Joe] Me, a boy and his mom,
who is usually great
but occasionally murders people
with her bare hands.
What could go wrong?
["Buzzkill" playing]
We've barely left the house
since that drive home from the hospital.
But this life is shit
And I just don't want it ♪
[Henry crying]
I hate to be a buzzkill ♪
[Joe] I'd imagined parenthood would feel
like an essay by Nicholson Baker.
Tiny moments made magnificent.
Yeah.
"Good things happen
To people that are bad" ♪
[Joe] Or maybe a novel
by Louisa May Alcott.
Hard work but rewarding. Noble, even.
- Go, go, go.
- Okay, okay, okay.
I don't wanna be a buzzkill ♪
I hate to be a buzzkill ♪
[Joe] Turns out,
parenthood is Groundhog Day
as written by Jean-Paul Sartre.
[Henry crying over monitor]
Joe.
[Joe] Despite living in some Greek myth
about pushing a boulder
of baby poop up a hill,
it's incredible, the urge to protect.
I feel it in my bones.
I would do anything for him.
"I thought of Gatsby's wonder
when he first picked out
the green light
at the end of Daisy's dock.
He'd come a long way
to this blue lawn, and it"
It's okay.
What I don't feel is connection.
[crying]
The more I try to bond, the more he cries.
He knows we don't have it.
[crying continues]
- You okay?
- I'm fine.
[Joe] "I'm fine" is code
for "nipples are bleeding,
hormones still a mosh pit,
haven't slept in six months,
and have not begun to process
- the death of my brother."
- [knocking on door]
I'm here. Where's my perfect boy?
Look what Glamma got Forty.
[Joe] Also not processing Forty's death,
Glamma Dottie,
who got a condo 30 minutes away.
Mom, his name is Henry.
Well, Henry smells like he needs a change.
I'll do it. If you just, uh
take a few photos for my feed.
- Okay.
- [Joe] Though she is chronicling her grief
extensively on Instagram.
And her shaman officially confirmed
that Henry is Forty, reincarnated.
Given how ecstatic he is
when she comes around
and how, well, not with me,
Dottie's Shaman might be right.
[ominous music playing]
At least I have a small remnant
of my former life.
There's no bookstore
in this circle of hell,
but I found willing buyers online.
And I send the profits to Ellie
whenever I hear from her.
[Joe] On the rare occasion
we do venture into the wild, Forty
No, no. Henry inevitably cries
before we're handed our lattes.
[Henry crying]
[Sherry] Aw.
My twins had an oral fixation
for the record books.
Sherry, by the way.
[Joe] As in, locally famous momfluencer
Sherry Conrad.
Her blog slash podcast slash brand,
Heart-Shaped Mistakes
Kill me is a mecca
of humblebragging and superiority
fronting as hard-earned wisdom.
- I'm Love.
- Quinn-Goldberg?
- And this is Joe?
- [Love] Yeah.
And Mr. Handsome here is Forty, is it?
- Henry. It's Henry.
- Crazy it's taken months for us to meet.
Yeah. Well, newborn, you know.
Oh, my God. I completely understand.
Glad we're able to run into each other.
We gotta get coffee together, Love.
I'll share all my secrets.
[Joe] That tone,
warm with an undertone
of Peach-level condescension.
You're doing great. Bye.
Thanks. Bye.
Like I need her approval. What the fuck?
She's lucky I didn't stab her
in the eye. Let's go.
[Joe] Thing about trying
to keep a human infant alive,
you can't afford to think too hard
about who you're in the trenches with.
I'm in the trenches with a woman
who jokes about stabbing someone
in the eye,
- but is actually perfectly capable of it.
- Want some?
Mm. Thank you.
I don't let myself think
about who Love is, what she is.
My job is to be a good husband
so I can be a good father.
Hey, Natalie!
Hi.
[ominous music playing]
[door unlocks]
I don't get what her problem is.
- What? Who?
- Our neighbor, Natalie.
She didn't give us a housewarming gift,
nothing when Forty was born.
Henry. Henry.
Yeah, I think you're right.
She seems a little off.
What, did I kiss you wrong? Or
No, no, I'm just tired.
And this place is a mess.
And Sherry just said to my face
- basically, that I'm a mess.
- She's an idiot. Just lie down.
I'll take care of this, take care of him.
- [Henry crying]
- Shh.
[Joe] And there he goes.
Every time I touch him.
Just fucking let me do it, Joe. Joe. Joe.
It's fine.
Come on. Let's go. Let's go.
- [Henry stops crying]
- Hey, hey, hey.
[Joe] Why does my own child not like me?
You know, babies can tell
when your heart's not in it.
- I What?
- No. I'm sorry. It's all in my head.
[pensive music playing]
Go fuck yourself.
[Joe] Love's right.
My heart's not really in it.
How could it be when you stole it?
Love?
Hey, uh
we're running low on diapers,
so I'll be right back.
Honestly, you're what's gotten me
through this imprisonment.
The green light at the end of my dock.
Knowing you feel the same as I do.
Hello, neighbor.
[Joe] I don't want it
to happen here like this.
I want you some place luxurious.
You deserve that.
The car is fine. Shut up and kiss me.
Did you just read my mind?
[dramatic music playing]
[knocking on glass]
- Hey, neighbor.
- Hi, Natalie.
You must be so under-slept.
I hear your baby crying all the time.
- Oh.
- No, no. Babies cry. Just
I get why you might be sleeping
in a grocery store parking lot.
Here. I thought I'd save you a trip.
[Joe] You've been watching me too.
- Thank you.
- One more thing.
Don't believe the bullshit
about breastfeeding preventing pregnancy.
My sister got knocked up so fast.
Friends tell friends. So
[Joe] Are you flirting with me?
[Joe] Sure, the condom thing may be
a little joke from a neighbor
with a mild taste for stirring the pot.
Just friendly. Very friendly though.
Exciting as that is, I have to be careful.
I can't just walk out of this web.
The spider has my child.
Also, truth? I've made
mistakes in the past.
Would you be a mistake?
Who are you?
- Where are you going? Great, feed Henry.
- Oh, just
I got winded going up ten stairs.
I need to hit a gym.
[Joe] Shit.
Whenever I hang with Henry,
I'm reminded of two things.
One, he hates me.
Two, I have to protect him at all costs
from what happened to me.
[boy 1] Joey!
- Where's your mama now?
- [boy 2] Run, you little bitch!
- Run, you little bitch!
- Come get some.
- What are you scared of?
- Get him!
Come on, Joey!
Open the door.
- You freak!
- Come get what's coming to you.
- [teacher] Boys! What's going on here?
- Teacher! Run!
[woman] Boys! What did?
[knocking on door]
[Paulie] Hey, hey. Joe, Joe. Let me in.
Hey, it's me, it's me. Let me in.
Dude, you okay?
Bro, why do you do this to yourself?
- They're the ones who do it.
- You asked for it.
- Quit saying your mom's coming back.
- She is.
If she cared, would you be here?
- You don't understand.
- Fine.
Just shut up about it, okay?
- I don't see why
- The rest of us are trying to deal
with how no one fucking wants us.
Face it. When our parents gave us up,
they threw us away forever, man.
[woman] Natalie!
Oh, my God, look at this place!
[Joe] Who are you?
On the surface, a realtor,
and you're good at it.
You wanna make things lovelier.
You left college early
when you met your husband,
tech entrepreneur Matthew Engler,
about whom there is even less to learn
unless I wanna take the word of publicists
paid to manicure every inch
of his online footprint.
Is this what you wanted?
Marry someone older, busy, never home
while you sell houses to rich assholes
and pick up his dry cleaning?
Is that love for you?
Do you love him?
Do you long for something deeper, true?
Like I do.
- [Andrew] I know.
- [Kiki] I think someone
- Like, I think maybe
- [Sherry] Oh, Love Quinn!
Come hither. [chuckles]
- Hi.
- Hi. This is Kiki, and this is Andrew.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
Love's gorgeous baby boy is,
what, seven months?
- [Love] Yeah.
- Oh, I miss that age.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Love, I was glad to see you in class.
- Fucking kicked my ass.
- Oh, I know.
That class is for really fit people,
but you'll get used to it.
- I had so much baby weight to lose.
- Same. I had quite the journey.
I mean, much worse than yours.
It was. It really was.
Is it just me
or is everyone calling me fat?
- Oh, oh, no.
- No, no, no.
And would that even be a pejorative?
I mean, beauty doesn't have a size, Love.
Come latte with us.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hm.
Okay.
- Yeah, I could go for some coffee.
- Amazing.
Great! We got a group.
[Sherry laughs]
[Joe] I might not have solved
the mystery of you yet,
but I know one thing:
I wasn't wrong to be intrigued.
Forgive the pun.
This speaks volumes about you.
I didn't even know
this hell-burb had a library.
Libraries represent
the very best of civilized society,
the housing of an egalitarian access
to knowledge.
It's what separates us from the apes.
And yet, it physically hurts to see
the condition of most of these books.
Mr. Mooney once said
the way a society treats its books
is the most accurate harbinger
of its fate.
You see enough broken bindings,
you know that Rome's burning
or will be soon enough.
But there's still something to fight for
in this wretched world.
Oh, what's little man's name?
- Oh, it's Henry.
- I dated a Henry.
- Henrys are great.
- Well, Henry thanks you.
Excuse us.
Hard to be invisible
with the greatest lady magnet
in the history of the species
strapped to you.
The Fifth Season, Gone Girl, Seabiscuit.
Okay, I'm stumped. Why those?
- Who are you?
- [Henry crying]
Oh, Henry, okay.
All right, it's okay. Shh, shh, shh.
[Henry stops crying]
- Hi.
- So are you gonna chase after her,
- or could I help you with something?
- Yeah.
- I'd like to apply for a library card.
- You've come to the right place.
Good.
Fill that out for me.
We have a great kids section
just in the corner.
And you can take that home with you.
Natalie picked it out for you.
[Joe] You are flirting with me.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hm.
When they start to crawl,
it's a miracle anyone survives.
I'm so blessed
we have three incredible nannies.
Oh, my God.
It's twice as insane with twins.
It's kind of why I started writing.
To just share.
So others won't make
the mountain of mistakes I did.
Yeah. What is the name of your blog again?
[Kiki]Oh, she's Heart-Shaped Mistakes.
- You seriously haven't read it?
- No.
- It's small.
- She invented momfluencing.
- Don't be humble.
- No. It's fun.
I can stay home with my twins.
What do you do for work?
- Well, I used to I'm trained as a chef.
- Oh.
Yeah, and I, uh
I haven't really had much time
since he was born, I guess.
- Well, yes.
- Your job right now is to connect
with your baby and your man.
So easy for you to say.
Has your vagina even recovered yet?
- Oh, my God. You're embarrassing her.
- Don't be vagina-phobic.
God! I wish someone would've told me.
Sex is hard to get back into.
- But connecting intimately? So crucial.
- [Andrew] Mm-hm.
Endorphins, oxytocin,
it's incredible for the breast milk.
In fact, if you're not orgasming,
your breast milk isn't doing it
for your baby's precious growing brain.
- Well, we're all over that, so
- Oh.
Okay.
[Joe] Tender Is the Night is widely
considered Fitzgerald's darkest work.
It's about marriage and infidelity.
Invitation? Or a warning?
- Okay. I finally got him down.
- Mm. Good work.
And I got you
a pain au chocolat.
[Joe] Don't get me wrong.
This isn't some German fairy tale
where a witch keeps me locked up
till it's time to eat me.
Love is nice, giving.
I fell in love
with a certain version of her.
What do you think?
- It's okay.
- Exactly. This is the best bakery in town?
Shoddy lamination. Too sweet.
- Definitely didn't use French butter.
- Yeah. Yeah, banish them.
Off with their heads. Done.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Am I interrupting your reading?
- No, no. No, you're not.
- Seems like I am.
- Just come back. Come back, Love.
- Fuck.
- Stay. Stay.
- No, Joe. Why?
- Why won't you talk to me?
- What? We talk
Something is going on.
You're always distracted.
- I'm not distracted.
- Why won't you tell me?
[Henry crying over monitor]
I've got him.
I'm gonna take him to his grandma's.
- Love.
- No, don't worry about it, Joe.
Enjoy the quiet.
[Joe] Where are you?
[cell phone buzzing]
- Hello.
- [Natalie] Hey, neighbor.
Care for a drink?
How'd you get my number?
My husband, Matthew, works in tech.
So
not at all invasive tech.
Why are you nervous?
Got some checkered past
you're trying to hide?
No, I'm not worried about me so much as
you know, the future of civilization.
Ah.
Well, that's a lost cause.
You know, I feel I should warn you.
There's no such thing
as privacy in Madre Linda.
Including here.
See.
All the cameras in my house.
One out here is broken. That's why
I spend so much time by the pool.
It's the only place in this entire town
I don't feel like I'm being watched.
Boop. Boop.
There.
[Joe] You want us to be alone?
Even that's not really privacy.
Matthew will see I turned them off
and wonder why.
It's so weird,
I don't remember putting on a leash,
just kind of
slipped around my neck at some point.
[Joe] You're a prisoner too.
I guess
marriage isn't really built for secrets.
Or people aren't really built
for marriage.
Come with.
I need another drink.
To new friends.
"Who can often have
a better time together than old."
- You got my book.
- Hmm.
- Oh, shit.
- Whoa.
Here. Is that okay? Can I see it?
Aye. Just put pressure on it.
That should stop the bleeding.
Do you have a first aid kit?
Yeah.
[Joe] It feels right.
Taking care of you.
There. I think you'll live.
- Does it hurt?
- Nothing more wine won't cure.
You feel it too, don't you?
What?
That feeling
when you're first with someone.
All the tension, possibility
I wish I could bottle it.
It's better than anything.
[Joe] I feel it.
I thought it would stay, with Matthew.
Do you think it inevitably goes away?
I think if it's right
it stays.
So how long did it stay with you and Love?
It's hard to say. Um
I didn't know the real her
when I fell in love.
- I know how that feels.
- I got swept up.
By the time I realized, it was too late.
I couldn't leave. I couldn't leave her.
People leave all the time.
Not Love.
Our daughter We thought
we were gonna have a little girl.
Anyway
I'm in it now
with Love.
Are you?
Kids aren't handcuffs.
Matthew has a stepson.
- We don't see him much.
- That sounds terrible, for the kid.
It's fine, actually.
You know why?
People are happier
when they aren't lying to themselves
and everyone else.
So, what are you doing here?
[groans]
- I can't leave him either.
- Oh!
I can't do that to him.
Even if it means I stay in this
Dwell Magazine, Twilight Zone
fucking purgatory forever.
- Is it that bad here?
- Ha.
If you're not careful,
you'll start caring about private schools,
stock portfolios,
start reading on a Kindle.
Fuck.
[Natalie chuckles]
You wanna see my reading room?
We've always slept in separate rooms.
I'm an insomniac.
Also, a slob.
[Joe] Everything suddenly feels real.
I'm married but to the wrong person.
What if you're the right one?
Hey, where'd you go?
Get out of your head.
Come here.
[Joe] No. Husband, father. I can't.
I'm sorry.
I gave you the wrong impression.
- I'm pretty sure you didn't.
- No.
I'm just looking for a friend.
Shit.
[Joe] No, never again.
- I promised myself I would do this right.
- [door closes]
Love. Hey, I thought
I got there
and then I thought about seeing my mom,
and I went and got Häagen-Dazs instead.
Are you okay? You look a little flushed.
I just had a drink with the neighbor.
- Hmm. [chuckles]
- You're right. She's crazy.
Look, I'm sorry for running off.
I just
I was just thinking about our vows.
Oh. Yeah.
The ones we wrote on In-N-Out bags
on the way to the courthouse.
You said you would always share a bite
of your pastry with me.
That's That's so generous.
- I am generous.
- You really are, and I'm an asshole.
- No, you're not. You're just
- I am. And it's been so crazy.
And I was just thinking about that bite.
And you were hungry?
- Yeah.
- Me too.
[dramatic music playing]
[Joe] That feeling you wanna bottle,
turns out, it can come back.
Maybe this is what we were looking for
in each other, Natalie.
What I needed from you.
A way back to Love.
Maybe, thanks to you,
I can make this work.
[moaning]
I should have told Sherry we were busy.
This is gonna suck.
Something tells me
she's not someone you say no to.
It'll be fine.
- [doorbell rings]
- I have you
and pie.
- Quinn-Goldbergs.
- [Love] Hey.
- Step right on up.
- Here you go. This is for you.
- It's gluten-free.
- Oh, great.
Yes.
[Joe] Fun fact,
Sherry had to post an apology video
in August 2020 after it was discovered
that she had a massive party
while the rest of us were home,
clutching hand sanitizer.
Rumor was, the whole neighborhood got
a secret vaccine
manufactured for the Queen of England
and were thus immune to COVID.
I don't believe in conspiracies,
except when they're about
unfair advantages of being rich.
Those are true.
Trust me, I married a Quinn.
Go get you some Pinot.
It's from my friends' winery.
They 3D-print their wine barrels.
Hi.
[indistinct chatter]
Thank you.
Oh, that's Kiki and her husband, Brandon.
And there's Andrew and his lawyer husband.
I can't remember his name.
Jackson.
Andrew, Jackson. Now, that is unfortunate.
Oh, my God.
- How could I forget?
- They seem okay,
if you discount the obscene
one-percenter bubble they live in.
Mm. I have to discount that
or we'd have to guillotine both of us too.
Then they're a nice couple.
[Sherry laughing]
Contrary to our gracious host.
[Joe] Never trust a queen bee.
Let me show you around, Love.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
[Cary] Ah, you must be Joe.
Finally, we meet. Cary Conrad.
'Cause is your life even a brand
without a perfectly imperfect soulmate?
Oh, my God.
Mission accomplished. I cannot tell
who the bigger douchebag is.
- Nice to meet you.
- Let me show you the grill setup.
Okay.
A sea of awkward nerds made good.
Tech made the money, wives did the rest.
Clothes, hair, Barry's Bootcamp,
and they go from kid-stuffed-in-locker
to 21st-century master of the universe.
- It's kind of sweet.
- Kiki tells Dakota, "Don't bother Daddy.
He's micro-dosing ketamine.
It's his special time."
[Joe] If you overlook the haze
of narcissistic delusion
that just the right biohack,
you'll live forever.
It's all paleo. Well, keto, really.
I find when I I.F.,
I'm good on any amount of fats.
- I.F.?
- Intermittent fasting.
You don't?
Well, I mean, obviously you must not
because you're genetically blessed.
Let me get in there.
Oh, yeah.
Lucky. Super high metab.
The guys come and train with me.
I'm a monster. You'll love it.
[Joe] Is he flirting with me
or inviting me to join Fight Club?
Help yourself to meat.
I'll be back.
I didn't know
Lena and Chris were back from Paris.
Oh, and apparently had the best time.
- They're open, the marriage.
- [Love] Oh.
No judgment from me.
Really?
- None?
- I spent my summers growing up
on a commune,
so I got a big dose of all that.
Whatever works, right?
You are such a breath of fresh air, Love.
I'm glad you moved here.
- My pleasure.
- Oh.
Hi.
Natalie and Matthew Engler.
- Oh, she looks amazing.
- She is a bad person.
Matthew was married
to this incredible woman named Mimi,
mother of his child, and then, well
He met Natalie, and
We're far too feminist
to ever say a woman stole a man.
She's nice enough.
Great realtor, you know. A cheater.
Good to know
when a person lives next door.
[Kiki] Mm-hm.
Oh, I must say hello to Les.
He's sourcing us a French bulldog.
- I'm empty. I'm gonna go fill up.
- Okay.
[Joe] You're here, with him?
Looking perfectly content.
Was our evening nothing?
A mistake for us both?
Ever sat in a virtual reality pod?
- Joe?
- No, I can't say that I have.
Oh, Cary's got one in his garage.
It's insane.
Not even just for porn.
But also the porn is spectacular.
[Joe] We as a species
deserve to go extinct.
[women laughing]
So my friend Rachel in L.A.,
she said the brother's a crackhead
who got himself killed.
And the dad's shady too.
Apparently, Anavrin is a front.
Money just papers over that garbage fire.
And, of course, she took her daddy's cash,
bought a whole new life here,
where the rest of us work
for what we have.
- [Kiki] Amen.
- [Sherry] Amen.
Hi.
Can I top off your wine?
- Hi.
- [Sherry] Oh, my God!
Okay.
May I state the obvious?
Sherry Conrad is a terrible person.
- Can you fucking believe that?
- Who runs this town, so
you kind of can't
get righteously indignant
unless you also wanna be lonely.
Well, I have friends.
Where, in L.A.?
You need some here too.
I assume you came here for the schools?
Well, now, you know those come at a cost.
Pinot, please.
Look, they hate me.
Think I stole Matthew from their friend,
who by the way, was cheating first, but
Point is,
everyone has to find their way
in Madre Linda.
You mean, around Sherry and her mafia?
It'll be easier
if you can get them to accept you.
They just called my family a garbage fire.
I don't really see that happening.
Okay. Fair.
So do what I do. Get her to respect you.
Authenticity scares the shit out of her.
Do you, no apology, loud and proud,
and you'll cow her into,
if not submission,
at least basic fake friendship.
Okay, great. One problem.
I don't really know who I am these days.
I just had a baby,
and everything's a
There's nothing authentic
or intimidating about me.
I'm just a stay-at-home mom going insane.
I guess there's some
things I need to figure out.
So if you could do anything,
what would you do?
Just for fun?
Okay.
So this is stupid.
But I have this fantasy
of opening a bakery.
I'm a trained pastry chef in another life,
and feels ridiculous to think about
in a town where nobody eats gluten.
I eat gluten.
Seriously?
You know what?
There's a space available
that might be perfect.
Could be wrong.
Or this was fate.
Call me if you ever wanna see it.
Thank you.
It's really nice
to have an actual conversation.
I can't believe
we've been living next door for months.
Joe's seen more of you than I have.
Oh, not really.
I keep telling Matthew, I'd love to have
you both over for a drink sometime.
It's crazy, we haven't had
either of you at the house yet.
We'll do it soon.
Yeah, that sounds great.
Definitely.
[Joe] What is wrong?
I have been doing everything
for this family,
and you've been fucking the neighbor.
- What? Wait, what are you talking about?
- I'm not an idiot, Joe!
I'm not having an
Look, I don't know what she said,
but I told you the truth.
We had a drink.
She started acting a little crazy. I left.
Then you came home and fucked me
for the first time in six months.
- What is that? A coincidence?
- Fine. I like that she flirted.
Is that what we're doing now?
Policing each other's minds?
- Are we not allowed to have a fantasy?
- Don't give me that.
There's nothing simple about it
when somebody gets stuck in your mind.
- I don't care if you fucked her.
- Sounds like you care.
Are you obsessed with her?
- It's not like that.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- You sure?
I'm sure. Because it was like that
with you, Love! I married you.
The man I fell in love with would do
anything for the ones he loves.
I still would. I moved here.
We're in this fake, plastic suburban hell.
- We moved here for the baby.
- He was supposed to be a girl.
What does that fucking matter?
I don't even I I don't It doesn't.
It feels so emblematic
of getting it wrong,
of feeling like I am gonna
fuck him up. Like he knows.
He looks at me like I'm a monster.
How do you think I feel?
You remember what Forty said.
Five seconds before he died.
That I'd be crazy if I ever thought
I could be a good mother.
Well, he was out of his mind.
Maybe he wasn't.
We
both
have done bad things.
I wanted to move here so that
we could start new
be safe and never have
to do anything bad ever again.
We get to choose.
We get to choose. We are safe now.
We're together.
I promise, no more.
No more bad things ever again, okay?
While we're telling the truth,
you are a great mother.
Thanks.
Does that mean
I can stop reading Sherry's shitty blog?
There's still time to bond with him.
Try reading him something
other than Fitzgerald. He is a baby.
Yeah, I'll give it a shot.
Should we go home?
Yeah, let's go home.
- [Henry crying]
- [humming]
- Hey, are we okay?
- Hey.
- He's been great all night.
- Okay.
Go get some rest. I got him.
Really. I got him. I got him.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Good night.
- Thank you, thank you.
- I love you, Forty.
Oh.
You're okay, Henry.
"Happily ever after" looks
a lot different than I thought.
And a family, the reality of one,
might not be for everyone
but it's all I've ever wanted.
So I'm gonna make this work.
No matter what it takes.
Goodbye, you.
[upbeat music playing]
[man] Nineteen bucks? It's crazy.
I'll give you 2 bucks.
This isn't a pawnshop, sir.
We don't negotiate late fees.
Manager. I wanna speak to a manager.
[sighs]
Hi, Natalie.
Yep.
Yeah, I wanted to see that place
you were talking about for a bakery.
Amazing.
"But he could not think
of a story to tell Frog.
Then
Uh
Toad poured a glass of water
over his head."
Am I the asshole here?
I'm sorry. That's a bad word.
Is it me?
I'm trying.
I'm in over my head.
He said, using an idiom
his son will never understand
because it's impossible
to communicate with babies.
[coos]
Yeah, right. Exactly.
[babbling]
How are we supposed
to understand each other?
How am I supposed to do this right?
I wanna do this right, Forty
Henry. Henry.
Henry, you see?
You're getting into my head.
I'm gonna do everything I can.
I just don't know what that means yet.
I
[laughing]
So wait, you don't hate me?
[babbles]
Yeah, same here.
Same here.
Okay. Yeah, it's a good talk.
[clearing throat]
Yeah, let's keep reading.
Uh
"'Why are you pouring water
over your head?' asked Frog.
'I hope that if I pour water over my head,
it will help me to think of a story.'"
It's cute, right?
Build-out's already mostly done for you.
And the tenant left all the appliances?
Kind of had to.
Look, I'm not gonna lie.
This town isn't exactly
the easiest market.
Your stuff has to be good.
- That, I'm not worried about.
- Then nothing to worry about.
Except landlord has another offer.
But he loves me, so sign
a 3-year lease today and you're golden.
I already sent you papers to e-sign.
- Can I? Can I see downstairs?
- Yeah, let's go.
Okay, so I know how it looks,
but I was told this is
the best walk-in freezer on the market.
Let me show you the other storage room.
Permits are easy.
So you can have
this place up and running crazy fast.
[moaning]
[dramatic music playing]
Bottom line, in the right hands,
this place could be a raging success.
So, what do you think? [gasps]
This is just the beginning, Henry.
Frog and Toad are great. But wait
until you meet Pippi Longstocking.
- [cell phone buzzing]
- You'll freak out.
I'm just leaving the library. What's up?
[Love sobbing]
Hey, Love. You okay?
Um, Joe.
What's wrong?
I think we need to go to couples' therapy.
[theme music playing]
[Joe] I've always believed in The One.
That there's someone out there for me.
A perfect match, a soulmate.
- And for The One, I would do anything.
- [screams]
I've had my heart broken more than once.
Rot in there, you psychotic asshole.
And things haven't always
been easy in my life.
[gunshot]
What did you do?
[Joe] But all that felt worth it
when I met Love Quinn.
I wolf you.
[Joe] I loved her.
I embraced all of her,
even the hard parts.
[Dottie] All you ever have to do is keep
your brother safe. You failed.
[shouts]
[Joe] But I was wrong about Love.
Find a city. When you get there,
I'll help you get legal ID,
I will send you money, not abandon you.
Burn in hell.
[Joe] And by then, it was too late.
We can be together now.
I don't think we can.
- [Joe] Really, really, truly.
- No, I'm pregnant!
[Joe] And then I realized
who I really need to protect.
Our daughter.
For her, I moved to some soulless,
wealthy suburb outside San Francisco.
For her, I'd marry the monster,
her mother.
For her, I'd lock myself into this prison.
Not sure how I'm ever going
to get us both out.
But there's one part of the old me
I can't quite shake.
I still believe in The One.
That the right person is out there for me.
I never thought to wonder
what happens after boy gets girl.
'Cause we know:
"And they lived happily ever after."
Fade to black, roll credits.
I should have asked more questions.
'Cause I've been in
some harrowing situations in my life.
- But this?
- [baby crying]
I could really use a map.
[Dottie] Joe. Joe.
That's your cue.
It's time to cut the umbilical cord.
[monitor beeping]
[Joe] But I've forged my way
in the dark before, I can do it now.
I have to.
To protect my daughter.
Congratulations, Dad. It's a boy.
- It's a boy?
- Hey.
- Hi.
- [Joe] I'm fucked.
And so is he.
[continues crying]
- Careful. Careful.
- And what's our future president's name?
Henry.
[nurse] Does he have a middle name?
Forty Quinn-Goldberg.
We were told it would be a girl.
[nurse] Oh, probably just shy.
- Kept the goods hidden.
- Karma. God owed us a boy.
[Joe] As I was saying, fucked.
[upbeat music playing]
[Joe] Now that the baby's here,
at least our white picket purgatory
feels logical.
We moved to Madre Linda
for the schools, after all.
When that patented NorCal fog burns off,
you can see for miles.
Miles of nosy neighbors,
peering suspiciously
from behind lawn care equipment
and video doorbells.
But, hey, safest neighborhood
in the Golden State.
And who wouldn't sell their soul for that?
We have everything.
So he has everything.
The perfect family,
funded by Quinn blood money.
We wanted to get here all on our own.
You compromise when you have to,
when it's for them.
Welcome home, Forty.
Maybe we can use his real name.
We're a family.
[Joe] Me, a boy and his mom,
who is usually great
but occasionally murders people
with her bare hands.
What could go wrong?
["Buzzkill" playing]
We've barely left the house
since that drive home from the hospital.
But this life is shit
And I just don't want it ♪
[Henry crying]
I hate to be a buzzkill ♪
[Joe] I'd imagined parenthood would feel
like an essay by Nicholson Baker.
Tiny moments made magnificent.
Yeah.
"Good things happen
To people that are bad" ♪
[Joe] Or maybe a novel
by Louisa May Alcott.
Hard work but rewarding. Noble, even.
- Go, go, go.
- Okay, okay, okay.
I don't wanna be a buzzkill ♪
I hate to be a buzzkill ♪
[Joe] Turns out,
parenthood is Groundhog Day
as written by Jean-Paul Sartre.
[Henry crying over monitor]
Joe.
[Joe] Despite living in some Greek myth
about pushing a boulder
of baby poop up a hill,
it's incredible, the urge to protect.
I feel it in my bones.
I would do anything for him.
"I thought of Gatsby's wonder
when he first picked out
the green light
at the end of Daisy's dock.
He'd come a long way
to this blue lawn, and it"
It's okay.
What I don't feel is connection.
[crying]
The more I try to bond, the more he cries.
He knows we don't have it.
[crying continues]
- You okay?
- I'm fine.
[Joe] "I'm fine" is code
for "nipples are bleeding,
hormones still a mosh pit,
haven't slept in six months,
and have not begun to process
- the death of my brother."
- [knocking on door]
I'm here. Where's my perfect boy?
Look what Glamma got Forty.
[Joe] Also not processing Forty's death,
Glamma Dottie,
who got a condo 30 minutes away.
Mom, his name is Henry.
Well, Henry smells like he needs a change.
I'll do it. If you just, uh
take a few photos for my feed.
- Okay.
- [Joe] Though she is chronicling her grief
extensively on Instagram.
And her shaman officially confirmed
that Henry is Forty, reincarnated.
Given how ecstatic he is
when she comes around
and how, well, not with me,
Dottie's Shaman might be right.
[ominous music playing]
At least I have a small remnant
of my former life.
There's no bookstore
in this circle of hell,
but I found willing buyers online.
And I send the profits to Ellie
whenever I hear from her.
[Joe] On the rare occasion
we do venture into the wild, Forty
No, no. Henry inevitably cries
before we're handed our lattes.
[Henry crying]
[Sherry] Aw.
My twins had an oral fixation
for the record books.
Sherry, by the way.
[Joe] As in, locally famous momfluencer
Sherry Conrad.
Her blog slash podcast slash brand,
Heart-Shaped Mistakes
Kill me is a mecca
of humblebragging and superiority
fronting as hard-earned wisdom.
- I'm Love.
- Quinn-Goldberg?
- And this is Joe?
- [Love] Yeah.
And Mr. Handsome here is Forty, is it?
- Henry. It's Henry.
- Crazy it's taken months for us to meet.
Yeah. Well, newborn, you know.
Oh, my God. I completely understand.
Glad we're able to run into each other.
We gotta get coffee together, Love.
I'll share all my secrets.
[Joe] That tone,
warm with an undertone
of Peach-level condescension.
You're doing great. Bye.
Thanks. Bye.
Like I need her approval. What the fuck?
She's lucky I didn't stab her
in the eye. Let's go.
[Joe] Thing about trying
to keep a human infant alive,
you can't afford to think too hard
about who you're in the trenches with.
I'm in the trenches with a woman
who jokes about stabbing someone
in the eye,
- but is actually perfectly capable of it.
- Want some?
Mm. Thank you.
I don't let myself think
about who Love is, what she is.
My job is to be a good husband
so I can be a good father.
Hey, Natalie!
Hi.
[ominous music playing]
[door unlocks]
I don't get what her problem is.
- What? Who?
- Our neighbor, Natalie.
She didn't give us a housewarming gift,
nothing when Forty was born.
Henry. Henry.
Yeah, I think you're right.
She seems a little off.
What, did I kiss you wrong? Or
No, no, I'm just tired.
And this place is a mess.
And Sherry just said to my face
- basically, that I'm a mess.
- She's an idiot. Just lie down.
I'll take care of this, take care of him.
- [Henry crying]
- Shh.
[Joe] And there he goes.
Every time I touch him.
Just fucking let me do it, Joe. Joe. Joe.
It's fine.
Come on. Let's go. Let's go.
- [Henry stops crying]
- Hey, hey, hey.
[Joe] Why does my own child not like me?
You know, babies can tell
when your heart's not in it.
- I What?
- No. I'm sorry. It's all in my head.
[pensive music playing]
Go fuck yourself.
[Joe] Love's right.
My heart's not really in it.
How could it be when you stole it?
Love?
Hey, uh
we're running low on diapers,
so I'll be right back.
Honestly, you're what's gotten me
through this imprisonment.
The green light at the end of my dock.
Knowing you feel the same as I do.
Hello, neighbor.
[Joe] I don't want it
to happen here like this.
I want you some place luxurious.
You deserve that.
The car is fine. Shut up and kiss me.
Did you just read my mind?
[dramatic music playing]
[knocking on glass]
- Hey, neighbor.
- Hi, Natalie.
You must be so under-slept.
I hear your baby crying all the time.
- Oh.
- No, no. Babies cry. Just
I get why you might be sleeping
in a grocery store parking lot.
Here. I thought I'd save you a trip.
[Joe] You've been watching me too.
- Thank you.
- One more thing.
Don't believe the bullshit
about breastfeeding preventing pregnancy.
My sister got knocked up so fast.
Friends tell friends. So
[Joe] Are you flirting with me?
[Joe] Sure, the condom thing may be
a little joke from a neighbor
with a mild taste for stirring the pot.
Just friendly. Very friendly though.
Exciting as that is, I have to be careful.
I can't just walk out of this web.
The spider has my child.
Also, truth? I've made
mistakes in the past.
Would you be a mistake?
Who are you?
- Where are you going? Great, feed Henry.
- Oh, just
I got winded going up ten stairs.
I need to hit a gym.
[Joe] Shit.
Whenever I hang with Henry,
I'm reminded of two things.
One, he hates me.
Two, I have to protect him at all costs
from what happened to me.
[boy 1] Joey!
- Where's your mama now?
- [boy 2] Run, you little bitch!
- Run, you little bitch!
- Come get some.
- What are you scared of?
- Get him!
Come on, Joey!
Open the door.
- You freak!
- Come get what's coming to you.
- [teacher] Boys! What's going on here?
- Teacher! Run!
[woman] Boys! What did?
[knocking on door]
[Paulie] Hey, hey. Joe, Joe. Let me in.
Hey, it's me, it's me. Let me in.
Dude, you okay?
Bro, why do you do this to yourself?
- They're the ones who do it.
- You asked for it.
- Quit saying your mom's coming back.
- She is.
If she cared, would you be here?
- You don't understand.
- Fine.
Just shut up about it, okay?
- I don't see why
- The rest of us are trying to deal
with how no one fucking wants us.
Face it. When our parents gave us up,
they threw us away forever, man.
[woman] Natalie!
Oh, my God, look at this place!
[Joe] Who are you?
On the surface, a realtor,
and you're good at it.
You wanna make things lovelier.
You left college early
when you met your husband,
tech entrepreneur Matthew Engler,
about whom there is even less to learn
unless I wanna take the word of publicists
paid to manicure every inch
of his online footprint.
Is this what you wanted?
Marry someone older, busy, never home
while you sell houses to rich assholes
and pick up his dry cleaning?
Is that love for you?
Do you love him?
Do you long for something deeper, true?
Like I do.
- [Andrew] I know.
- [Kiki] I think someone
- Like, I think maybe
- [Sherry] Oh, Love Quinn!
Come hither. [chuckles]
- Hi.
- Hi. This is Kiki, and this is Andrew.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
Love's gorgeous baby boy is,
what, seven months?
- [Love] Yeah.
- Oh, I miss that age.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Love, I was glad to see you in class.
- Fucking kicked my ass.
- Oh, I know.
That class is for really fit people,
but you'll get used to it.
- I had so much baby weight to lose.
- Same. I had quite the journey.
I mean, much worse than yours.
It was. It really was.
Is it just me
or is everyone calling me fat?
- Oh, oh, no.
- No, no, no.
And would that even be a pejorative?
I mean, beauty doesn't have a size, Love.
Come latte with us.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hm.
Okay.
- Yeah, I could go for some coffee.
- Amazing.
Great! We got a group.
[Sherry laughs]
[Joe] I might not have solved
the mystery of you yet,
but I know one thing:
I wasn't wrong to be intrigued.
Forgive the pun.
This speaks volumes about you.
I didn't even know
this hell-burb had a library.
Libraries represent
the very best of civilized society,
the housing of an egalitarian access
to knowledge.
It's what separates us from the apes.
And yet, it physically hurts to see
the condition of most of these books.
Mr. Mooney once said
the way a society treats its books
is the most accurate harbinger
of its fate.
You see enough broken bindings,
you know that Rome's burning
or will be soon enough.
But there's still something to fight for
in this wretched world.
Oh, what's little man's name?
- Oh, it's Henry.
- I dated a Henry.
- Henrys are great.
- Well, Henry thanks you.
Excuse us.
Hard to be invisible
with the greatest lady magnet
in the history of the species
strapped to you.
The Fifth Season, Gone Girl, Seabiscuit.
Okay, I'm stumped. Why those?
- Who are you?
- [Henry crying]
Oh, Henry, okay.
All right, it's okay. Shh, shh, shh.
[Henry stops crying]
- Hi.
- So are you gonna chase after her,
- or could I help you with something?
- Yeah.
- I'd like to apply for a library card.
- You've come to the right place.
Good.
Fill that out for me.
We have a great kids section
just in the corner.
And you can take that home with you.
Natalie picked it out for you.
[Joe] You are flirting with me.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hm.
When they start to crawl,
it's a miracle anyone survives.
I'm so blessed
we have three incredible nannies.
Oh, my God.
It's twice as insane with twins.
It's kind of why I started writing.
To just share.
So others won't make
the mountain of mistakes I did.
Yeah. What is the name of your blog again?
[Kiki]Oh, she's Heart-Shaped Mistakes.
- You seriously haven't read it?
- No.
- It's small.
- She invented momfluencing.
- Don't be humble.
- No. It's fun.
I can stay home with my twins.
What do you do for work?
- Well, I used to I'm trained as a chef.
- Oh.
Yeah, and I, uh
I haven't really had much time
since he was born, I guess.
- Well, yes.
- Your job right now is to connect
with your baby and your man.
So easy for you to say.
Has your vagina even recovered yet?
- Oh, my God. You're embarrassing her.
- Don't be vagina-phobic.
God! I wish someone would've told me.
Sex is hard to get back into.
- But connecting intimately? So crucial.
- [Andrew] Mm-hm.
Endorphins, oxytocin,
it's incredible for the breast milk.
In fact, if you're not orgasming,
your breast milk isn't doing it
for your baby's precious growing brain.
- Well, we're all over that, so
- Oh.
Okay.
[Joe] Tender Is the Night is widely
considered Fitzgerald's darkest work.
It's about marriage and infidelity.
Invitation? Or a warning?
- Okay. I finally got him down.
- Mm. Good work.
And I got you
a pain au chocolat.
[Joe] Don't get me wrong.
This isn't some German fairy tale
where a witch keeps me locked up
till it's time to eat me.
Love is nice, giving.
I fell in love
with a certain version of her.
What do you think?
- It's okay.
- Exactly. This is the best bakery in town?
Shoddy lamination. Too sweet.
- Definitely didn't use French butter.
- Yeah. Yeah, banish them.
Off with their heads. Done.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Am I interrupting your reading?
- No, no. No, you're not.
- Seems like I am.
- Just come back. Come back, Love.
- Fuck.
- Stay. Stay.
- No, Joe. Why?
- Why won't you talk to me?
- What? We talk
Something is going on.
You're always distracted.
- I'm not distracted.
- Why won't you tell me?
[Henry crying over monitor]
I've got him.
I'm gonna take him to his grandma's.
- Love.
- No, don't worry about it, Joe.
Enjoy the quiet.
[Joe] Where are you?
[cell phone buzzing]
- Hello.
- [Natalie] Hey, neighbor.
Care for a drink?
How'd you get my number?
My husband, Matthew, works in tech.
So
not at all invasive tech.
Why are you nervous?
Got some checkered past
you're trying to hide?
No, I'm not worried about me so much as
you know, the future of civilization.
Ah.
Well, that's a lost cause.
You know, I feel I should warn you.
There's no such thing
as privacy in Madre Linda.
Including here.
See.
All the cameras in my house.
One out here is broken. That's why
I spend so much time by the pool.
It's the only place in this entire town
I don't feel like I'm being watched.
Boop. Boop.
There.
[Joe] You want us to be alone?
Even that's not really privacy.
Matthew will see I turned them off
and wonder why.
It's so weird,
I don't remember putting on a leash,
just kind of
slipped around my neck at some point.
[Joe] You're a prisoner too.
I guess
marriage isn't really built for secrets.
Or people aren't really built
for marriage.
Come with.
I need another drink.
To new friends.
"Who can often have
a better time together than old."
- You got my book.
- Hmm.
- Oh, shit.
- Whoa.
Here. Is that okay? Can I see it?
Aye. Just put pressure on it.
That should stop the bleeding.
Do you have a first aid kit?
Yeah.
[Joe] It feels right.
Taking care of you.
There. I think you'll live.
- Does it hurt?
- Nothing more wine won't cure.
You feel it too, don't you?
What?
That feeling
when you're first with someone.
All the tension, possibility
I wish I could bottle it.
It's better than anything.
[Joe] I feel it.
I thought it would stay, with Matthew.
Do you think it inevitably goes away?
I think if it's right
it stays.
So how long did it stay with you and Love?
It's hard to say. Um
I didn't know the real her
when I fell in love.
- I know how that feels.
- I got swept up.
By the time I realized, it was too late.
I couldn't leave. I couldn't leave her.
People leave all the time.
Not Love.
Our daughter We thought
we were gonna have a little girl.
Anyway
I'm in it now
with Love.
Are you?
Kids aren't handcuffs.
Matthew has a stepson.
- We don't see him much.
- That sounds terrible, for the kid.
It's fine, actually.
You know why?
People are happier
when they aren't lying to themselves
and everyone else.
So, what are you doing here?
[groans]
- I can't leave him either.
- Oh!
I can't do that to him.
Even if it means I stay in this
Dwell Magazine, Twilight Zone
fucking purgatory forever.
- Is it that bad here?
- Ha.
If you're not careful,
you'll start caring about private schools,
stock portfolios,
start reading on a Kindle.
Fuck.
[Natalie chuckles]
You wanna see my reading room?
We've always slept in separate rooms.
I'm an insomniac.
Also, a slob.
[Joe] Everything suddenly feels real.
I'm married but to the wrong person.
What if you're the right one?
Hey, where'd you go?
Get out of your head.
Come here.
[Joe] No. Husband, father. I can't.
I'm sorry.
I gave you the wrong impression.
- I'm pretty sure you didn't.
- No.
I'm just looking for a friend.
Shit.
[Joe] No, never again.
- I promised myself I would do this right.
- [door closes]
Love. Hey, I thought
I got there
and then I thought about seeing my mom,
and I went and got Häagen-Dazs instead.
Are you okay? You look a little flushed.
I just had a drink with the neighbor.
- Hmm. [chuckles]
- You're right. She's crazy.
Look, I'm sorry for running off.
I just
I was just thinking about our vows.
Oh. Yeah.
The ones we wrote on In-N-Out bags
on the way to the courthouse.
You said you would always share a bite
of your pastry with me.
That's That's so generous.
- I am generous.
- You really are, and I'm an asshole.
- No, you're not. You're just
- I am. And it's been so crazy.
And I was just thinking about that bite.
And you were hungry?
- Yeah.
- Me too.
[dramatic music playing]
[Joe] That feeling you wanna bottle,
turns out, it can come back.
Maybe this is what we were looking for
in each other, Natalie.
What I needed from you.
A way back to Love.
Maybe, thanks to you,
I can make this work.
[moaning]
I should have told Sherry we were busy.
This is gonna suck.
Something tells me
she's not someone you say no to.
It'll be fine.
- [doorbell rings]
- I have you
and pie.
- Quinn-Goldbergs.
- [Love] Hey.
- Step right on up.
- Here you go. This is for you.
- It's gluten-free.
- Oh, great.
Yes.
[Joe] Fun fact,
Sherry had to post an apology video
in August 2020 after it was discovered
that she had a massive party
while the rest of us were home,
clutching hand sanitizer.
Rumor was, the whole neighborhood got
a secret vaccine
manufactured for the Queen of England
and were thus immune to COVID.
I don't believe in conspiracies,
except when they're about
unfair advantages of being rich.
Those are true.
Trust me, I married a Quinn.
Go get you some Pinot.
It's from my friends' winery.
They 3D-print their wine barrels.
Hi.
[indistinct chatter]
Thank you.
Oh, that's Kiki and her husband, Brandon.
And there's Andrew and his lawyer husband.
I can't remember his name.
Jackson.
Andrew, Jackson. Now, that is unfortunate.
Oh, my God.
- How could I forget?
- They seem okay,
if you discount the obscene
one-percenter bubble they live in.
Mm. I have to discount that
or we'd have to guillotine both of us too.
Then they're a nice couple.
[Sherry laughing]
Contrary to our gracious host.
[Joe] Never trust a queen bee.
Let me show you around, Love.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
[Cary] Ah, you must be Joe.
Finally, we meet. Cary Conrad.
'Cause is your life even a brand
without a perfectly imperfect soulmate?
Oh, my God.
Mission accomplished. I cannot tell
who the bigger douchebag is.
- Nice to meet you.
- Let me show you the grill setup.
Okay.
A sea of awkward nerds made good.
Tech made the money, wives did the rest.
Clothes, hair, Barry's Bootcamp,
and they go from kid-stuffed-in-locker
to 21st-century master of the universe.
- It's kind of sweet.
- Kiki tells Dakota, "Don't bother Daddy.
He's micro-dosing ketamine.
It's his special time."
[Joe] If you overlook the haze
of narcissistic delusion
that just the right biohack,
you'll live forever.
It's all paleo. Well, keto, really.
I find when I I.F.,
I'm good on any amount of fats.
- I.F.?
- Intermittent fasting.
You don't?
Well, I mean, obviously you must not
because you're genetically blessed.
Let me get in there.
Oh, yeah.
Lucky. Super high metab.
The guys come and train with me.
I'm a monster. You'll love it.
[Joe] Is he flirting with me
or inviting me to join Fight Club?
Help yourself to meat.
I'll be back.
I didn't know
Lena and Chris were back from Paris.
Oh, and apparently had the best time.
- They're open, the marriage.
- [Love] Oh.
No judgment from me.
Really?
- None?
- I spent my summers growing up
on a commune,
so I got a big dose of all that.
Whatever works, right?
You are such a breath of fresh air, Love.
I'm glad you moved here.
- My pleasure.
- Oh.
Hi.
Natalie and Matthew Engler.
- Oh, she looks amazing.
- She is a bad person.
Matthew was married
to this incredible woman named Mimi,
mother of his child, and then, well
He met Natalie, and
We're far too feminist
to ever say a woman stole a man.
She's nice enough.
Great realtor, you know. A cheater.
Good to know
when a person lives next door.
[Kiki] Mm-hm.
Oh, I must say hello to Les.
He's sourcing us a French bulldog.
- I'm empty. I'm gonna go fill up.
- Okay.
[Joe] You're here, with him?
Looking perfectly content.
Was our evening nothing?
A mistake for us both?
Ever sat in a virtual reality pod?
- Joe?
- No, I can't say that I have.
Oh, Cary's got one in his garage.
It's insane.
Not even just for porn.
But also the porn is spectacular.
[Joe] We as a species
deserve to go extinct.
[women laughing]
So my friend Rachel in L.A.,
she said the brother's a crackhead
who got himself killed.
And the dad's shady too.
Apparently, Anavrin is a front.
Money just papers over that garbage fire.
And, of course, she took her daddy's cash,
bought a whole new life here,
where the rest of us work
for what we have.
- [Kiki] Amen.
- [Sherry] Amen.
Hi.
Can I top off your wine?
- Hi.
- [Sherry] Oh, my God!
Okay.
May I state the obvious?
Sherry Conrad is a terrible person.
- Can you fucking believe that?
- Who runs this town, so
you kind of can't
get righteously indignant
unless you also wanna be lonely.
Well, I have friends.
Where, in L.A.?
You need some here too.
I assume you came here for the schools?
Well, now, you know those come at a cost.
Pinot, please.
Look, they hate me.
Think I stole Matthew from their friend,
who by the way, was cheating first, but
Point is,
everyone has to find their way
in Madre Linda.
You mean, around Sherry and her mafia?
It'll be easier
if you can get them to accept you.
They just called my family a garbage fire.
I don't really see that happening.
Okay. Fair.
So do what I do. Get her to respect you.
Authenticity scares the shit out of her.
Do you, no apology, loud and proud,
and you'll cow her into,
if not submission,
at least basic fake friendship.
Okay, great. One problem.
I don't really know who I am these days.
I just had a baby,
and everything's a
There's nothing authentic
or intimidating about me.
I'm just a stay-at-home mom going insane.
I guess there's some
things I need to figure out.
So if you could do anything,
what would you do?
Just for fun?
Okay.
So this is stupid.
But I have this fantasy
of opening a bakery.
I'm a trained pastry chef in another life,
and feels ridiculous to think about
in a town where nobody eats gluten.
I eat gluten.
Seriously?
You know what?
There's a space available
that might be perfect.
Could be wrong.
Or this was fate.
Call me if you ever wanna see it.
Thank you.
It's really nice
to have an actual conversation.
I can't believe
we've been living next door for months.
Joe's seen more of you than I have.
Oh, not really.
I keep telling Matthew, I'd love to have
you both over for a drink sometime.
It's crazy, we haven't had
either of you at the house yet.
We'll do it soon.
Yeah, that sounds great.
Definitely.
[Joe] What is wrong?
I have been doing everything
for this family,
and you've been fucking the neighbor.
- What? Wait, what are you talking about?
- I'm not an idiot, Joe!
I'm not having an
Look, I don't know what she said,
but I told you the truth.
We had a drink.
She started acting a little crazy. I left.
Then you came home and fucked me
for the first time in six months.
- What is that? A coincidence?
- Fine. I like that she flirted.
Is that what we're doing now?
Policing each other's minds?
- Are we not allowed to have a fantasy?
- Don't give me that.
There's nothing simple about it
when somebody gets stuck in your mind.
- I don't care if you fucked her.
- Sounds like you care.
Are you obsessed with her?
- It's not like that.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- You sure?
I'm sure. Because it was like that
with you, Love! I married you.
The man I fell in love with would do
anything for the ones he loves.
I still would. I moved here.
We're in this fake, plastic suburban hell.
- We moved here for the baby.
- He was supposed to be a girl.
What does that fucking matter?
I don't even I I don't It doesn't.
It feels so emblematic
of getting it wrong,
of feeling like I am gonna
fuck him up. Like he knows.
He looks at me like I'm a monster.
How do you think I feel?
You remember what Forty said.
Five seconds before he died.
That I'd be crazy if I ever thought
I could be a good mother.
Well, he was out of his mind.
Maybe he wasn't.
We
both
have done bad things.
I wanted to move here so that
we could start new
be safe and never have
to do anything bad ever again.
We get to choose.
We get to choose. We are safe now.
We're together.
I promise, no more.
No more bad things ever again, okay?
While we're telling the truth,
you are a great mother.
Thanks.
Does that mean
I can stop reading Sherry's shitty blog?
There's still time to bond with him.
Try reading him something
other than Fitzgerald. He is a baby.
Yeah, I'll give it a shot.
Should we go home?
Yeah, let's go home.
- [Henry crying]
- [humming]
- Hey, are we okay?
- Hey.
- He's been great all night.
- Okay.
Go get some rest. I got him.
Really. I got him. I got him.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Good night.
- Thank you, thank you.
- I love you, Forty.
Oh.
You're okay, Henry.
"Happily ever after" looks
a lot different than I thought.
And a family, the reality of one,
might not be for everyone
but it's all I've ever wanted.
So I'm gonna make this work.
No matter what it takes.
Goodbye, you.
[upbeat music playing]
[man] Nineteen bucks? It's crazy.
I'll give you 2 bucks.
This isn't a pawnshop, sir.
We don't negotiate late fees.
Manager. I wanna speak to a manager.
[sighs]
Hi, Natalie.
Yep.
Yeah, I wanted to see that place
you were talking about for a bakery.
Amazing.
"But he could not think
of a story to tell Frog.
Then
Uh
Toad poured a glass of water
over his head."
Am I the asshole here?
I'm sorry. That's a bad word.
Is it me?
I'm trying.
I'm in over my head.
He said, using an idiom
his son will never understand
because it's impossible
to communicate with babies.
[coos]
Yeah, right. Exactly.
[babbling]
How are we supposed
to understand each other?
How am I supposed to do this right?
I wanna do this right, Forty
Henry. Henry.
Henry, you see?
You're getting into my head.
I'm gonna do everything I can.
I just don't know what that means yet.
I
[laughing]
So wait, you don't hate me?
[babbles]
Yeah, same here.
Same here.
Okay. Yeah, it's a good talk.
[clearing throat]
Yeah, let's keep reading.
Uh
"'Why are you pouring water
over your head?' asked Frog.
'I hope that if I pour water over my head,
it will help me to think of a story.'"
It's cute, right?
Build-out's already mostly done for you.
And the tenant left all the appliances?
Kind of had to.
Look, I'm not gonna lie.
This town isn't exactly
the easiest market.
Your stuff has to be good.
- That, I'm not worried about.
- Then nothing to worry about.
Except landlord has another offer.
But he loves me, so sign
a 3-year lease today and you're golden.
I already sent you papers to e-sign.
- Can I? Can I see downstairs?
- Yeah, let's go.
Okay, so I know how it looks,
but I was told this is
the best walk-in freezer on the market.
Let me show you the other storage room.
Permits are easy.
So you can have
this place up and running crazy fast.
[moaning]
[dramatic music playing]
Bottom line, in the right hands,
this place could be a raging success.
So, what do you think? [gasps]
This is just the beginning, Henry.
Frog and Toad are great. But wait
until you meet Pippi Longstocking.
- [cell phone buzzing]
- You'll freak out.
I'm just leaving the library. What's up?
[Love sobbing]
Hey, Love. You okay?
Um, Joe.
What's wrong?
I think we need to go to couples' therapy.
[theme music playing]