You Me Her (2016) s03e04 Episode Script


1 Previously on "You Me Her" What the fuck? Oh, this day has really taken a turn.
Whether it was the two of us or the three of us, this never should have happened.
If you walk out that door, don't call, don't text.
- You are dead to me.
- You saw your dad? What's the idea here? I'm walking you to school.
CARMEN: But you're still getting divorced Monday and driving back to Seattle? I start a business and ask for some support, and suddenly you're working on a Saturday, and you come home after the girls are fed and in bed? So you seriously think I stayed at work late on a Saturday to piss you off? And you haven't even started community placement.
We help them with résumés, job applications, - that kind of thing.
- What do I do in the meantime? Hang out.
Get to know them.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh! - Dudes, they get crazy anxious when they're sitting across from a beautiful woman.
Are you anxious right now? I'm always anxious around you.
JACK: Izzy.
From the moment I opened that hotel room door IZZY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you about to propose to me right now? What? No.
Well, congratulations.
You're pregnant.
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
DOCTOR: [DISTORTED] Emma? Hey, uh, are you okay? Did you hear what I said? You need to take a deep breath.
Okay? You really need to just calm yourself.
It's all good.
- Is everything okay? Uh, yeah.
Things are, um they're good.
They're they're really, really super.
They are, um - They're super.
- Okay.
Stop nodding.
Maybe you're coming down with a little something? [CHUCKLES] That's one way to put it.
So, what was it last night? Why do you always want to know about my weird dreams? I'm the therapist.
They always crack me up.
I decided it meant you're a genius.
Well, it does.
Okay, well, I was drifting down this big, slow river on a pizza-shaped floatie, and I passed Jack sitting on the riverbed with his feet in the water, and there was a real-life tiger just calming resting beside him.
Oh, and the tiger was wearing my clothes.
- I don't know.
- [LAUGHS] - Oh, man, the way your mind works, Peanut.
- Don't.
[SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE] How long are you gonna keep showing up like this? Until you forgive me or my project ends whichever comes first.
And then what? You're just gonna disappear again like a drunk ghost in the night? "Drunk ghost in the night.
" Oh, right.
I'm funny when I'm trying to be mean so fucking annoying.
I'm not gonna ghost on you.
What? That's a saying, right? Kids say that.
Yes, but you definitely shouldn't.
[SCOFFS] [KNOCKS AT DOOR] Hello? [KNOCKS] Do you have an appointment? You can just come in.
[BREATHILY] I'm very troubled, Doctor.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
Well, um, okay.
Could you be more specific maybe using a breathier voice with crazier eyes, like Winona Ryder eyes? See it.
I'm very into the idea of getting caught.
Is that bad? Am I bad? It's chronic exhibitionism, level three paraphilia s serious stuff.
Say that again.
You know what I like.
So touch me Touch me Touch me And touch me again Yeah, touch me Touch me Touch me I know you You know, I didn't actually come here to office-fuck you.
- [GROANS] - I know.
I was just saying "Hey.
" I'm on my way to Directions.
You know what they say "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.
" Please stop quoting motivational posters.
- It's an occupational hazard.
- [LAUGHS] I, um this, um - [MUSIC STOPS] - Wow.
Your erection is very distracting.
Imagine how it is from this end.
[GIGGLES] - These are cute.
- Mm-hmm.
You know what would look really good on - this tiny finger right there? - Jack, stop.
I know.
You literally got divorced a month and a half ago, and you know that I need to focus on, like, - getting my life-shit sorted.
- Mm.
How will I know? Um, but I have an idea.
Why don't I propose to you when you least expect it? Okay, but you're gonna have to ask Gabe for permission first.
- Okay.
- We're a highly traditional family.
- Mm.
Uh, my insider tip would be to offer him goats.
- Seems reasonable.
- That should get it done.
- Look, I have to go.
- No.
I know.
I have to save more hard-scrabble teens, you see? [GIGGLES] I'm kidding.
I'm not saving anybody.
I'm just getting free manicures.
I love you.
I love you.
8 ball, corner pocket.
God damn it! Rematch.
Uh, no.
It's Sasha's turn.
I'll humiliate you again later.
Hey, don't get too cocky, White Guilt.
That's how all kingpins fall.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Have a seat.
Will you help me? Um, ah, racker is just right under there.
[POOL BALLS CLATTER] - You want to break? - [SCOFFS] No.
- You sure? - Mm-hmm.
Will you pass me that? Thank you.
How'd you get so good? Uh, well, when I was a kid, my dad used to leave me at a bar while he did I don't know God knows what in the back.
The bartender felt sorry for me, so she taught me how to play.
By the time I was 12, I could beat her.
Yeah, boo-hoo, right? The upside is I made all my college beer money sharking arrogant frat boys, so that was good.
My dad Heaven for him would be Willy Wonka's factory but filled with all the drugs.
[SCOFFS] - Mom? - Dead.
Yours? Vodka and pills mostly pills.
Hmm, pretty sure dead mom is worse.
Oh, yeah dead mom wins every time.
[CHUCKLES] [POOL BALLS CLATTER] I'm getting this sinking feeling it's gonna be another five years before she's ready to have a kid.
[GRUNTS] What'd you expect? I mean, she's 27.
Yeah, which j just just happens to be the national average, by the way.
For women getting PhDs? Fair, but she was super into it before Emma left.
All caught up in the crazy.
[BALL SMACKS] Do you think there's anything like those therapeutic pet cafés except with babies instead of cats and dogs? [BALL BOUNCES] I know, it's weird.
I'm like that super-weird baby dude.
Until you impregnate someone, you can just keep bribing your preternaturally wise nephew to do this father/son shit with you.
Fine, but I'm gonna have to start giving you some advice.
Go ahead.
You need some some insider tips on scoring a girlfriend? [SCOFFS] I've got three of those.
- Babe.
- Yep? We got to go soon, so you're gonna have to wrap up the standing coma.
Oh, yeah, cool.
A absolutely.
Seriously, are you sick for real? Uh, I think, maybe.
You know, I haven't been sleeping well lately, and my my left ear is clogged, which is very disorienting.
I also think I'm coming down off the Halloran Building, you know, a little "Ahh!" followed by some "Uhh.
" That's a lot of stuff.
It really is.
But it's rally time.
Jett and Kim are one of Seattle's top five lesbian power couples, and if they like us, we get matching broaches based on Georgia O'Keeffe's "Black Iris.
" So cool.
Like a pride thing? No, babe, I'm just kidding.
We're not really getting matching vagina broaches.
Yeah, I knew that.
Maybe you should go get dressed.
[GROANING] I'll just clean this up.
Let me by.
I'll just take care of everything here.
That's great.
[NORMAL VOICE] Leave this out here Your banana on the coffee table? Gabriel? - Hmm? - Did you feed this to Callie? Uh, yeah.
I think so.
This is Lily's food.
This is for an infant.
She didn't seem to mind.
Callie's a toddler.
She gets solid food.
We left Dino Nuggets for her in the fridge.
She loves Dino Nuggets.
Didn't strike me as nutritious.
I I made a judgment call.
Also, I ate them.
I promised her Dino Nuggets, and you fed her this whipped whatever the hell this is.
She must have been devastated.
Yes? Come here.
Sit down.
You need to see this.
What, the "Fluppies"? I've seen, like, a thousand hours of this shit.
It's basically a hypnotic babysitter.
Dude, they're so beautiful.
The one that's cooing is empathy, the orange one is joy, and the red one is unconditional love.
They all live together in Fluppville, which is the human soul.
With every adventure, they're just figuring it all out together, you know? And the maps they get from the Dalmatian-professor thing I mean, that's that's the journey of life.
[DOOR OPENS IN DISTANCE] Maybe it's their Bible.
I'm not really sure yet.
[DOOR CLOSES] - Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.
- Extremely.
Thank you, Gabriel.
You want to know what young Socrates did? He fed Lily's food to Callie and ate the Dino Nuggets because he's so stoned he thinks the "Fluppies" have some deeper meaning.
Oh, yeah, the, uh, human-soul thing.
Yeah, everybody knows that.
Well, shit.
I mean, he was clearly high.
Oh, my God.
- Did you call the police? - Oh, you're making fun of me? - [LAUGHS] - Really, really funny stuff.
He also left a mess, by the way, which I'm cleaning up.
He's a teenager we employ for two hours while I'm right next door.
Lower the bar a little Nobody died.
That's your bar now? Super.
Hey, why don't we just let the kids hang out by themselves, huh, put out some knives and aerosol cans, see what happens? David.
I don't think that tone is necessary.
I appreciate you coming home early, but it's not enough.
If you have a problem with Gabriel and you're dead-set against daycare, then let's start interviewing nannies, - because I need five hours a day.
- [MOANS] Stop rubbing your face like a crazy person - and use your words.
- Three years old, right? We agreed that before we started talking about nannies and daycare, the girls would be three years old.
And it's not the U.
fucking Constitution.
This is a discussion we had a million years ago.
You know what this is? Every since Hannah moved in next door, the only thing I can say that doesn't piss you off is "Yes, honey.
" And it's bullshit.
[TV PLAYS INDISTINCTLY] Me, wine, bathtub You know the drill.
Fucking Fluppies.
[INSECTS CHIRPING] KIM: Jett did the sweetest thing.
She saw this man - quite dirty with this long, tangled beard - Oh.
[LAUGHS] walking along this rocky road, and you know what she did? She gave that man her favorite Isabel Marant sandals.
- [GASPS] - How amazing.
It's, uh, breathtaking, apparently.
[QUIETLY] Really? Building a bridge, one act of kindness at time, never asking for recognition or I got a gorgeous photo.
It's being framed as we speak.
Kim has such an eye.
We only had to reenact once.
You can see it on our Instagram and Facebook pages.
And in the July issue of "Curve" magazine.
[NORMAL VOICE] That's so selfless.
It's really touching.
But that's not why we invited you.
We're adopting a baby.
Yay! Wait, I thought we all knew that.
Kylie said that's why you went to Venezuela.
But it's official now! [SQUEALING, LAUGHTER] Ah! Oh, sit not necessary.
I'm I'm I'm okay.
Thank you.
You don't like the 2011 Bordeaux? We practically stole it.
$350 for a Wine Spectator Top 25 Don't tell anyone.
We could get arrested.
Oh, well, head for the border.
I'm terrible at keeping secrets.
So, when's your bundle of joy gonna show up? [COUGHS] Do you plan to adopt or inseminate? I think you should adopt.
There's so many children in this world Neither of us wants any children of any shape, size, or color.
Is she gonna be okay? She walked into a wall right before we came here, and I'm begging to think she's concussed - Excuse me.
- so we should probably just get her out of here and to a hospital, like, right away.
Come on.
Let's go, babe.
Thank you for having me.
Pinch me And wake me from this slumber [TV PLAYS INDISTINCTLY] [SIGHS] [LAUGHS] What's ? Is something the matter? Yeah.
My stalker dad showed up again.
There's this persistent little voice in my head saying that he's up to something.
You think your estranged father came to town to pull off a long con, steal your dozens of dollars? - Shut up.
- Ow! [SCOFFS] I got an idea.
Why don't we take him to dinner? [SCOFFS] Oh, yeah.
Aww, my boyfriend meeting my dad.
I mean, if he hadn't been an adulterous drunk who abandoned me and you and I hadn't met while I was escorting and then started pulling threesomes with your wife, then that would be so fucking [LAUGHS] adorable.
[SNORTS] Wait.
You're serious? I am serious.
Want to meet my dad? We both know you were born without an intuition gland, so I can smoke him out, see if he's on the up and up.
- What? - And if not - boom.
I'll take him out.
- [LAUGHS] [BOTTLE CLATTERS] You're very cute when you're trying to take care of me.
Jack Trakarsky? Yes? [INHALES SOFTLY] My phone.
- It's right there.
- Yep.
- What? - Oh, it's Nina problems.
I I didn't even hear it.
Yeah, well, you know what they say.
Ears first to go.
Mwah! Bye.
- I thought it was the knees.
- Those, too.
- I almost proposed to Jack.
- That's awesome! Nina? NINA: Hmm? Why is Shaun making dinner in your kitchen? Oh, wait, wait Are you two doing it? Please.
He's basically my slave.
Huh? Okay, well, then, I'm gonna go, so Can you just add everything and let it simmer for 15 minutes? Unfortunately, I can't paint your bedroom on Saturday anymore.
- Uhh.
- [GROANS] [INHALES SHARPLY] Okay, whatever that is, it's not healthy.
Yeah, that would worry me coming from just about anybody else.
Uh, back to my almost proposal.
Let's really drill into that while you massage my feet.
In what world do people massage your feet all the time? Mm, I haven't named it yet, but I'm the queen, I never get hangovers, and I can eat whatever I want.
Spill it So, how did you go from "Slow the fuck down" to almost proposing? Okay, I love him, he wants to meet my dad, - there was pizza.
- Oh, yeah, heady blend.
Dude, the words were in my mouth.
Five more seconds, I would have a ring on my finger.
What ring? There's There's a ring? Yeah, well, I I'm not sure, but I I think he hid my engagement ring in his underwear drawer.
- [CHUCKLING] You haven't looked? - No.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Ooh, interesting.
And why do you think that is? Um Well, it's obvious.
I'm I'm terrified that it's really there, and I'm equally terrified that it's not.
Mm! Mm-hmm.
Okay, so what happened after you almost proposed? Well, that's the thing.
I I I faked a Nina emergency, and I, like, ran the fuck out of there.
Okay, so you parent-trapped him with his wife, pulled the nostalgic threesome with her, you shot down his proposal to you, almost proposed to him, and then you randomly sprinted out.
- What is your point? - No, there's no point.
It just makes me feel way better about my own mental health.
Like, I feel really good about myself right now.
You're the worst.
[GROANS] Got my own way EMMA: Oh, no more.
Please, God, no more.
- [TOILET FLUSHES] - Oh, this is so fucked up.
Um - Take your time.
- What? Watching you whip up some five-star bullshit is often more enjoyable than the bullshit itself.
Do Super Lesbians cook with scallops or nuts? Or chicken? If it's undercooked, I also have issues with chicken.
Perhaps it was the foam.
You're pregnant.
I am that, yes, for which I am very, very sorry.
Will you say something? Please.
[SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE] - It's my fault.
- EMMA: What? - No.
- Before you left, I should've explained to you that there is no version of closure that requires a man's penis.
- Well, I - Stop.
I swear to God, if you say that there is a version of closure where you confirm your homosexuality by having unsatisfactory intercourse with your husband, I swear I will snap.
Do you hear me? Yeah.
I hear you.
What was I thinking? God, I know better.
I fucking know better goddamn tourist lesbian.
No, I was a tourist lesbian, but now now I am a permanent resident.
Ky, I'm sorry.
It was a massive mistake, and now the universe is seriously fucking with me, - which - [LAUGHS] which I deserve.
Did you have unprotected sex with a man, Emma? Yeah? Then leave the fucking universe out of it.
God damn it, Kylie, if it wasn't a mistake, I would still be in Portland and not here with you begging for your forgiveness.
If you still want this, I still want this.
I I'm gonna I'm gonna advance slowly.
I can get some assurance you're not gonna punch me, because I'm a bleeder.
Love favors the bold.
It's a lazy and shitty excuse, but I honestly have no idea how it happened.
And as soon as it did, we - we both realized it was a massive - Mistake? Yeah.
Meaning this is still something you want? It's not something that we want? I'll go with you.
Go back to sleep.
[MOANS] I got to pee, and your face was there looking all soft and pretty, so I couldn't resist.
Come here.
Don't put the words "pee" and "your face" that close together in a sentence again.
Hey, Jack [EXHALES SHARPLY] Uh, if you would've told me two months ago that I would be saying this, I would've laughed in your face, but I do want you to meet my father.
Yeah? He's been walking me to school for over a month, and he's always on time and he always brings me coffee.
He asks about you.
He thinks I'm hiding something, like maybe you're a Cocker Spaniel or super old or a super-old Cocker Spaniel, or a Mm.
Meetin' your dad sweet.
- It's often a precursor to - Don't.
Go pee.
I'm keeping your side warm.
I missed you so much.
- While I was peeing? - Yeah.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] You have a right to know.