You Me Her (2016) s04e04 Episode Script

That's So Stupid and I'm Definitely Not Crying

1 Previously on "You Me Her" IZZY: So, Shaun's now suddenly your boss and a sex ninja while you're stuck in your quarter-life crisis goop.
That's a big-ass shift in the power dynamic.
That's rough.
- You actually named the bar Therapy? - I actually did.
Oh, God.
You're topping me from the bottom.
IZZY: Well, she left a Google search up on her laptop "tri-custody.
" It just feels like this is all about softening the blow for when they tell me they definitely don't want any more kids.
Hey, Em.
It's Gabe.
We need to talk.
About Jack.
MARTY: This is Lala.
Lala is the super awesome president of our homeowners association.
Oh, she did join this daycare co-op down the street.
She abducted Carmen's kids so they'd let her in.
I'm going home for a nooner with Izzy.
We're trying to figure out if we can have sex in twos.
Oh, this was such a good idea.
Emma's perfectly happy at Binge Club.
Oh, my God.
I'm waiting.
I'm confused.
Are you upset that we came home to nap? [SCOFFS.]
Well, apparently, you had other plans.
Things went a little south when we accidentally started talking about yoooo Go.
- Yugoslavia? - That's a weak effort.
I'm sorry.
I'm fucking legally asleep right now.
All right, here's the truth, okay? Don't get mad.
But without you, it just felt wrong.
- Well, get the fuck over it! - Aah! Do you want me to feel like the anchor? Huh? Is that what you want? Me to be the one who drags us down into the dank murk of suburban monotony until this one claws her way out? - This is weird.
- Yes.
Yes, it is.
Two red-blooded adults sneak home to do the deed and take a little dodo instead.
Okay, hold on.
Just a s I'm catching up.
So, you're not mad about us sneaking home to have sex 'cause we knew you weren't gonna be here.
You're mad because Because we're doing it all wrong.
Okay? We are doing it all wrong, people! This This is a poly foul.
You forgot the whistle thing.
- Oh, please.
Why? - I don't know, man.
- On his site, Coach Remi has "The Five Poly Fouls That Will Get You Ejected.
" - Who is Coach Remi? - Yeah.
EMMA: Coach Remi! Portland's official poly guru? Anyway, I've been reading his stuff, and he has this training camp at the downtown Marriott, and I think we should go.
A, that sounds dreadful.
Oh, that's it.
Yeah, go go on.
Okay, look, the two of us need to be able to have sex without the third one getting their feelings hurt, so come on.
Come on! Come on.
Do what you came here to do.
I'm just gonna sit back, then I'll join in when I'm ready.
- Like, right now? - Yeah.
I'm ordering you to fornicate without me.
W w For me, uh, there's never been a moment in my adult life where I was less inclined to have sexual intercourse.
- Sorry.
- Emma, we tried.
Like, w we even I don't even know what this is.
Is this a butt thing? I mean, when in doubt, it's usually a butt thing, right? Here's th Here's the thing.
I think Emma might be right.
I think that [INHALES DEEPLY.]
waiting for all three of us to be in precisely the right mood at precisely the right time is - you know, uh - It's a poly foul.
Now it's back again.
Okay, enough with this bullshit.
Enough with the mortgages.
Enough with the pumpkin-spice candles.
We are gonna throw a weird-ass pajama party like we used to.
Do you remember how much fun that used to be? And we're gonna drink, and we're gonna vape Well, you know, you two are gonna drink and vape.
But we're gonna dance, and we're gonna laugh, and we're gonna forget about the world, and before we know it, we will be using this stuff on each other.
I'm good.
Okay, all right.
You got a bigger mouth, anyway.
That's not really my thing.
- Ohh! - Oh, no, babe.
- My goodness.
- We haven't actually washed that, so that's really gross.
Just let go, let it flow like a river Don't overthink it 'cause you know that I deliver I gave you what you want, but you're gonna want more When you come back knockin', I'ma open that door Like wooh, yeah, you better hang on You better hang on, about to let loose, now - Lady lumps.
- Wooh, yeah, you better hang on Better hang on, better hang on Watch me Whoa I'm about to let loose now Whoa I'm about to let loose now La la la la la Here we go, here we go La la la la la Emma? I'm gonna check it out.
It's been over an hour, so Emma? Babe? Are you doing some sort of sexy hide-and-seek thing? Marco! Oh, babe.
Let's get you to bed, party animal.
Oh, my God, you are the funniest.
I am, aren't I? Oh! She thinks I'm funny.
I heard.
- And who are you? - I'm, uh, Zoe.
The interior designer.
At least, I hope so.
Little late for business meetings, - isn't it, babe? - Oh, inspiration never sleeps.
Girl's a genius, Nina.
Concepts are so cool.
Oh, I'm just channeling Shaun's vibe.
- We really connect.
That's so awesome.
Hey, does anyone else need a drink? I'm I'm gonna have - several all at once.
- Yeah, I'm in.
I will have your driest rosé.
Oh, you, uh you think I'm a bartender? - You aren't a bartender? - Well technically, yes.
- But I'm also a licensed therapist, so - Aww.
"Aww"? I mean, no offense, but if you're a licensed therapist working here as a bartender, there has to be at least one "aww" - Oh, no.
- in that story, right? [GIGGLES.]
Well, okay, then! Um, I'm just gonna go to the back and find our best rosé.
That's also where we keep the toxic cleaning products, so - [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, no.
You know what? Why don't we, um Why don't we take a rain check on that drink until it's champagne, huh? Is that a great idea, or is that my greatest idea? - [GIGGLES.]
- Uh, thank you so much for coming in, Designs by Zoe.
Sounds good.
I'm so stoked to work with you, Shaun.
I think we can create something truly special here.
Okay, well, you'll hear from me.
Or you won't! Yeah, the future, it's, uh it's so mysterious.
What the hell was that? [LAUGHS MOCKINGLY.]
CARMEN: Yeah, you can hold her hand.
- Hey! - Hey.
Are you you surprised to see me? I live here.
- And you rang the doorbell like 47 times, but Well, you know Hey, there they are! - Good morning, beautiful people.
- Good morning.
Happy Saturday.
It's a great time to be alive, huh? Ah, truly.
Just lost a couple organs in the toilet, but now there's room for the next generation of beautiful people to grow.
Blessed be the fruit.
So, what's everyone up to this brilliant, blissful morn? I'll go first.
I'll be at my office scrambling to make a deadline while also watching these lovable, little monkeys.
It's fun, right? [CHUCKLES.]
- Unless - Oh, boy.
- Oh, yeah, we - Yeah, no, we The thing is, oh, Emma and I have some, uh - We have something.
- We have some bid'ness - Mm-hmm.
- to attend to.
Aw, how nice.
What kind of bid'ness? Yeah, what kind of bid'ness? I don't that I don't know about.
- I I think it's a good question.
- They're asking, like, specifically.
- Specifically.
- What are we doing? - Well, this is gonna be a lie.
- Yep.
- We have errands and stuff.
- Yeah, you know, like mom stuff.
Well, you know, if you're going shopping, Callie is she has an amazing eye, and she's very expressive.
- IZZY: Oh, yes.
- I like to poop at the toy store - because it smells like strawberries.
- IZZY: Cal, I'm confused what smells like strawberries, the toy store or your poop? [LAUGHTER.]
All hail Princess Monster Face.
We're actually getting our hoo-has done.
- Mm.
- Uh, it's a twofer.
We're gonna surprise Jack.
Okay, so 2 minutes and 13 seconds to concoct the lamest excuse ever.
You can do better.
- I think.
- JACK: You know what? I got this.
You guys can go out.
Yep, leave it to Uncle Jack.
Oh, my God.
Jack, thank you.
You are by far my favorite Trakarsky.
- Always have been! - Aw, that's not saying much.
You girls gonna be all right with Uncle Jack? You'll just do some drawing? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Okay, Carmen, we need some girlfriend time, okay? Just you and me.
And I'm dying to catch up on "Who We Are," but I don't want to spoil anything.
So, have you caught up? Oh, please.
I'm not caught up on sleep or basic hygiene, and yet I can't even get nominated for "Best Lemonade Stand by an Asian-American Who Lives in My House" award.
- Aww.
- Well, it's their loss, Carm.
You know I'm exaggerating, right? Course I do.
- Bye, guys.
- Bye, Princess Monster Face! - Bye, girls! - Bye, Mom.
I know what you're doing, by the way, with your homicidal kid smile.
It's not gonna work.
You can't scare me.
Okay, please stop.
Ohh, if this place were trying any harder, - it's be a warehouse full of - Dicks? - Yeah! - [LAUGHING.]
So, Gabe wants to meet to talk about their mom why? Well, you saw "The Great Santini.
" - Mm - You don't know "The Great Santini"? Oh, my God, it's so good.
So, Robert Duvall plays this badass military dad.
He's trying to toughen his kid up for the cold, cruel world.
Okay, I'll put it on my watchlist.
So So, their mom is, you know, like a distaff Great Santini.
- Mm.
- She may have gone, uh, a little overboard.
- Yeah, sounds like it.
What's so funny? It's Nathan showing me his latest assignment.
He's pretending to like street meat.
It's so stupid.
Guess humor's subjective.
- Come on.
Let's go find him.
- Okay.
Leave us, Jebediah Todd.
- [SIGHS.]
- Are you absolutely certain you weren't followed? Why don't you just tell us why we're here? - There isn't much time.
- Did you take cyanide? No.
I'm getting my nose and ears done, but I needed to talk to you in person, away from Jack.
And telephones are ? - Easily compromised.
- Oh, my God.
We have a potentially violent situation on our hands.
Mom's coming to town, and Jack's gonna make nice with her, or I'm gonna go postal on his ass.
You're kidding me.
Oh, my God, he's not kidding.
Okay, how do I put this delicately? Um, - this is the stupidest idea I've ever heard.
- True.
Well, they're both too stubborn to make the first move, so I'm gonna make it for them.
Why are you doing this now? Okay, w we're already stressed enough with the babies and the house and That's why I'm doing it.
Jack finally managed to go deep enough to make babies.
- Gross.
- That is disgusting.
But everything he thinks he knows about his own upbringing is a lie.
And even well-intentioned lies have consequences.
I want Jack to have his mom at a time like this, like I did.
It matters.
But he needs to know the truth about his dad to understand Mom and why she was the way she was with him.
The truth? God damn it, Gabe.
In the name of all that's good in the world, - please pick up! - CALLIE: Fuck! I said "pick up," young lady.
Okay? That's not even close.
- What up, jack-off? - JACK: It's me.
Uh, I'm with the, uh, Amari girls.
Dave's kids? They're friggin', like, little devil children.
I don't know what to do.
Um, I gave them candy, and now it's there it seems like there's more of them, like they're multiplying.
- What do I do? - I don't know.
Why don't you go golfing like a real man and leave the wives to mind the children? How about that? Okay, quick, look around is it 1956 where you're at? You know, I just keep wondering how you always get the chick end of the stick, huh? How is that? - Are you golfing? - Dude, real men golf in the rain, bro.
Fore! - Yeah.
- Here's the thing Emma and Izzy were acting super weird this morning.
They said they were gonna go out and run some errands, but it seemed very nefarious, I have to say like they were up to no good, like they were planning a surprise for me or something.
A surprise? What?! Don't be stupid.
That's Man, you got to grow up and stop thinking everyone's always plotting some big surprise.
Jeeesus! I mean - Okay, now you're acting super weird.
- Oh, fuck off.
I am not.
Fuck yeah, you are.
Keep going.
You're gonna reveal yourself in two seconds.
Oh, hole in one! I just got a hole in one! It's amazing! You You got a hole in one? You just yelled "fore.
" Yeah, a big wind just blew it right back.
Oh, they're bringing the big check! It's great! They're bringing it right now! Gotta go, bro! [GROANS.]
Oh, my God, what the f No.
Girls, no.
This can't Something has to be done about this.
So, setting aside the Trakarsky family curve ball that Gabe just threw at us Let's set it way aside like, in the Philippines.
I saw on your computer that you were researching tri-custody.
Well, that's what you want, isn't it, babe? The three of us to be equal parents? Um Back when my mom and dad were cozy, little drunks together, they were big into video games.
They would always give me the controller and tell me that I was in charge of the bad guys, and I thought I was some amazing game player.
Until I found out that there were no batteries in the controller and it was a two-player game.
Oh, shit.
Hi! - Hey.
- Remember the sign everyone loves to make fun of? "Slow Children at Play"? I just think the word "down" would help so much.
- Sue me.
Would an HOA Security Division speeding ticket suffice? Uh, so, Em, who is this person? And why is she playing cops-and-robbers in our driveway? I'm Lala, HOA president.
And you are? Uh, Izzy Silva.
Our wife.
Nice to meet you.
I have an out gay son, so I'm cool with all that.
- Super woke.
- Cool, okay.
Anyway, Emma, you should know people are talking.
- What are they saying? - They're saying that Binge Club presidency is just a launching pad and that you have designs on my job.
Not that I'm worried, 'cause I'm not.
Well, uh, maybe you should be.
So it's true.
You are gunning for me.
Emma is much too busy, uh, - building her architectural empire - [GIGGLES.]
to be playing neighborhood politics with you, Lala.
Did you make up that name? - Nope.
- No, it's, uh it's her real name.
No shit! How stoned were your parents? They're in recovery.
Okay, you know what? Why don't we, uh, just call this a truce, you give us the ticket, before it gets out of hand? I'll put it in your mailbox.
Gosh, I hope everything works out with the house.
No telling when the next one hits the market.
So nice to meet you, Lizzy.
"Lizzy"? Really? Does it look like I have low self-esteem - and that I dye my own hair? - A little.
- Does it? - Not really.
Like I said, very established neighborhood, practically no turnover.
Good luck fitting in.
This is bad.
- Why? - She's calm.
Look at her.
She is too calm.
She's ridiculous, is what she is.
It's gonna be fine.
I'm telling you, Lala is covering something insidious, like eternal evil.
Sounds reasonable.
Not to change the subject, but have you ever heard of those high-powered executives that just transfer their intense but beautiful careerist energies into, uh, neighborhood politics? Welcome back.
- Wow! - Wow! - Beautiful! - Looking good, Princess.
Thank you.
These girls are a total nightmare.
I don't even care if they hear me.
- So, where were you guys? And just give me an answer quick.
Don't think.
- Yeah, we were we were getting our - Hair.
- We were getting our hoo-has done.
- I knew it.
I knew it.
- Tripped you up.
- Why do you have two wives? I got this one.
Well, girls Do you want to hear a story? Once upon a time, Prince Jack was put under a spell, and he was given too much love for any one princess to handle.
But luckily, Princess Izzy and Princess Emma loved each other very much.
Two princesses can't love each other, silly.
Well, you know I'll get this one.
Yes, actually, they can.
Two princess can love each other.
Come here.
And do you know what? These two princesses well, let's put it this way.
There once was a frog, and his name was Jack, right? And not just one princess, but two princesses came by and gave him a kiss.
And you know what happened to him? He turned into a prince, and they lived in this kingdom of love forever and ever.
And the prince, if everything goes right, will someday turn into a king.
- - Ugh, I got to go, guys.
- Where are you going? - Uh, it's a Nina emergency.
Unroll your eyes.
- Real this time.
- [SIGHS.]
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
It's This is gonna be you guys someday.
You mean this is gonna be us someday.
Bye, girls! - Say bye-bye.
- Bye, Princess Izzy! Bye, prince.
Hey, Carm.
How's it going? Don't tell Jack, but I'm gonna sneak home right now and catch the rest of that stupid, sappy show, just so you and I can talk about it.
I want us to be "Who We Are" sisters from different misters, always there for each other, just like Sandra and Tracy.
And they didn't even know they were sisters? Really? Hey, Carm, don't even sweat it.
We're taking the girls to the park.
- Really? - Yeah.
Like Sailor always says, "I love you, and you love me, and that's just who we are.
" That's so stupid, and I'm definitely not crying.
MAN: You'll never break us because we know who we are.
What about you? Huh? Do you know who you are? [SOBBING.]
I'm a woman who's sobbing over the tribulations of a man who's far too handsome to be a plumbing contractor in real life.
But mostly I'm just drinking alone, talking to the TV, and just imagining the love of my life's humiliating comeuppance because I'm a jealous shithead who just wanted him to be my plus-one for once.
That's who I am! Listen up, you.
Say what now? Grandpa did not escape Nazi Germany to watch you lie down and crumble.
Ah, God damn it.
My grandfather was an immigrant, too, and he got locked up in a camp! Why does Dave get to We're fighters in this family, right to the end.
That's good.
That's good.
Mm, mm.
And furthermore Ah, shh, shh! Can feel a sequel brewing.
Take that, you laughing girl! - [GRUNTS.]
- Your insult game is in a free fall.
Update Now Shaun's very presence turns women into giggling love zombies! - Unh! Fuck! - Nina! - Ow! Oww! - Okay.
- How do men do that? - The better question is, why do men do that? - Okay, just - [WHIMPERING.]
Let's, um - [MUSIC STOPS.]
- turn that off.
Shaun is catching his wave.
So what? - That's a good thing.
- Mm, is it? You know, he'll always be obsessed with you.
And while things are evening out a bit, - your upper hand is safe.
- Mm.
So, maybe spend a little bit more time knowing it and a little less time showing it? - I guess? - Mm.
Mm! Better? Mm.
Will you massage my hand? Weird.
Only if you focus.
Okay, so, one second, I was watching Jack and Emma with the Amari girls.
And the next, it was like it was like a a home video, with their kids, the twins.
And it was perfect.
They want you in the picture.
I know.
I know.
I told Emma my game-controller story.
Why? Because I've been thinking about it a lot.
You know, it seems like a metaphor for my vague "mamacita" role.
Oh, Iz, that is so dark.
Well, they have a biological dad, and they have a biological mom.
So, what am I, really? Like, the cool aunt? Or the nanny that's, like, become like family? - I mean, I don't know.
- Yeah.
- The controller with no batteries? - See? [SIGHS.]
What if this last year has been, like, the coolest, weirdest vacation ever and I'm the souvenir that they don't remember buying when they were drunk? - EMMA: Do you think she's happy? - Which one? You think it's a "tears of a clown" situation happening? - [CHILDREN LAUGH.]
- I'm talking about Izzy.
She bought us a pumpkin-spice candle.
She gets it.
Hawthorne Heights is our home, not just a home base.
So, she gets it, and she wants to make it work.
Does that mean she's happy? I mean, will she be happy in two, three years? I don't know, but what can we do? We can get help.
You talking about that poly coach and the training camp thing? - [LAUGHING.]
- Come on, Em.
I mean, you got to admit, it sounds a little [SIGHS.]
awesome? I was gonna say something different, - but your face was telling me to say "awesome.
I know.
I thought you were going somewhere else with that.
I'm going wherever you're going.
Just know that I'll understand We're gonna make it through - The stormiest weather - When is this thing? - Tonight.
- What?! - [LAUGHING.]
- Tonight? Yeah! You're going where I'm going.
Count me in, I guess.
Got to let you know We're in this together Mm, sure we have the address right? IZZY: Interesting Marriott.
Kind of a B&B vibe? Yeah, well, they changed the venue at the last minute.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah? Uh, we're, um - we're lost, and we're looking - You're looking for the open "gym" - or whatever he's calling it? - Yeah.
You just gonna watch me carry in all your refreshments? Or do you want to help a mother out? - Jack will help you.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
Couple more in here.
Ohh! Oh, okay.
There's no version of what's waiting for us inside that house - that isn't incredibly weird.
- Mnh-mnh.
Yeah, but we can't afford to waste 600 bucks.
- Mm.
- Each.
Wait, what? H how much did she say? - Hey, Jack, watch the stairs.
- WOMAN: You can set those down on the counter for me there.
I can only hear you We're gonna talk about the problem Speaking out about the problem Let me guess, it's the same one I know that we are all pictures of heaven This repetition of games But doesn't chaos ever get kind of boring When there's no resolution and no change? I can only hear you We're gonna talk about the problem Speaking out about the problem Let me guess, it's the same one