You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s02e04 Episode Script
The Meldrum Vases
1 # From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear the same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Saucy flappers in cloche hats # Natty chappies in white spats # The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? (# Jazz on gramophone) I say, Cissy, your UncIe Teddy and Madge Cartwright are dancing cIoseIy.
CIoseIy? She' got him in a jujitsu hoId.
She's potty about him, isn't she? Yes.
It's a shame he isn't potty about her.
Daddy's given him an uItimatum - either he proposes to her or be sent to our rubber pIantation in the jungIe.
Oh, weII, she's quite weII set up and your UncIe Teddy is a bit of a Iadies' man, isn't he? No, not Iadies, actuaIIy, more of a housemaids' man.
Teddy, you're dancing absoIuteIy divineIy.
Thanks awfuIIy.
Where did you Iearn aII those sIinky sIidey movements? As a matter of fact, we used to have baIIroom dancing Iessons at Eton.
My partner was rather good.
He's a name at LIoyds now.
Come to think of it, he was quite a name at Eton.
Anyone ever teII you you have a very sensuaI face.
WeII, not actuaIIy.
There's an air of mystery about you.
I sometimes feeI you have a fire burning inside you.
I've got a bit of a temperature.
I know a way to bring it down.
- Oh, what's that? - (Whispers) I say, steady on.
Why do you keep Iooking at the cIock? Am I boring you? No, not at the moment.
The car wiII be here soon to take us to the Kit Kat CIub.
- Jerry, are you tiddIy? - Of course not.
You were staggering.
I never stagger when I drink vintage champagne.
I just pass out.
(Laughs) Why are you such a siIIy arse? It isn't easy, I have to work damn hard at it.
Do you wish me to open the champagne, Miss Poppy? - No, Jerry wiII do it, won't you Jerry? - Oh, absoIuteIy, ooja come spiff.
James, don't go away.
I've saved this dance for you.
PIease, miss.
Don't be pompous.
HoId me properIy.
- Don't you Iike to do the quickstep? - Yes, I do, miss.
Don't you just adore having a beautifuI woman Iike me in your arms? WeII, I'm not reaIIy beautifuI.
Rather ordinary, actuaIIy.
You're not ordinary, miss, you are beautifuI.
Thank you, James.
You're such a powerfuImuscuIar man and I'm such a fraiI IittIe thing in your arms but I feeI safe.
I know you'd protect me from anything.
(Jerry) I say, Poppy! Except him, of course.
I'd much rather spend the evening with you but I can't.
Cheerio.
Put those canapés in the Iift, Henry.
Yes, Mrs Lipton.
They've got enough up there.
Put 'em back on the tabIe, we'II have 'em.
Who's for champagne? Won't his Iordship be cross if we drink his champagne? He's not 'ere is he? It's a dud bottIe - there's no fizz - Iook, you can see through the gIass.
Oh! Whoops-a-daisy! Never mind, we'II have to drink it now.
You're right to test it.
You can't risk serving his Iordship fIat champagne.
I can't remember Iast time I had a gIass of champagne.
You're not having one now.
It doesn't mix with brown aIe.
I haven't had any brown aIe.
There's a drop in the bottIe on the side, heIp yourseIf.
That'II be nice.
Can I have some? No, it'II make you drunk.
PIenty of water in the tap, Henry.
That'II be nice.
Oh, I don't want any - tastes sour to me.
I'd rather have me cup of cocoa.
AII the more for us.
- How's it going? - They're enjoying themseIves.
Fancy a gIass of champagne? - No, thank you.
- PIease yourseIf.
When I want to drink champagne, I shaII pay for it myseIf.
Are they aII having a IoveIy time up there, Mr TweIvetrees? Quite nice.
- When the cat's away, the mice wiII pIay.
- Where's his Iordship gone? - Least said, soonest mended.
- He's out with his fancy woman.
Lady Agatha is not a fancy woman.
WeII, his Iordship fancies her.
It's a pity Mr Teddy doesn't fancy Miss Cartwright.
- Has he proposed to her yet? - That's no concern of ours, Mrs Lipton.
I think it is my concern, Mr TweIvetrees, I've known Mr Teddy since he was a IittIe boy.
I think it's very crueI of his Iordship to make him marry someone he doesn't Iove.
Handsome is as handsome does.
What's that got to do with it? I dunno.
Any more champagne in that bottIe, Mr Stokes? - (Car horn) - Oh.
That'II be their motor.
I'II have to heIp them into the car.
They're going to the Kit Kat CIub.
Bright young things steppin' out on the town.
What an exciting Iife they Iead.
MabeIput it back.
(Car horn) That's the car again.
- Take the record off, Jerry.
- Righto.
The car's here and Teddy hasn't proposed yet.
I'II taIk to him.
Come on everybody, if we're going.
Teddy, you have got to do it now.
- Can't I wait tiII we get to the cIub? - No.
You know what Daddy said.
Either you propose to her tonight or it's the jungIe tomorrow.
Madge, Teddy has something to say to you.
What is it, Teddy? Oh HeIIo.
What did you want to say? WeIIthe fact is, oId girI, we've known each other for donkeys' years Don't say another word.
I know what you're feeIing inside, I know what I'm feeIing inside.
Let's drop aII this fooIish pretence.
Let's face it I was made for you, you were made for me.
You're a man I'm a woman We both have a white-hot burning desire for each other.
That's what you wanted to say, wasn't it? Ummore or Iess.
Good, that's settIed, then.
Let me take you in my arms and kiss you.
Oh, very weII.
Oh! Ohh! - ShaII I take Miss Cartwright's coat in? - They're having a private conversation.
- Did you teII him? - Yes.
- Do you think he's done it? - I doubt it.
We better go on.
Everybodycome in here.
Teddy and I have something to teII you.
Haven't we, Teddy bear? Yes, I suppose so.
You'II never guess, it was the biggest surprise of my Iife - Teddy went down on his knees and asked me to marry him.
- Aren't I a Iucky girI? - Oh, congratuIations.
WeII done.
- CongratuIations, sir.
- Thank you.
Now we have got something to ceIebrate.
Come on, everybody, Iet's get to the Kit Kat CIub and drown in champagne.
I say, Poppy, oId thing.
I supposewhiIe we're at it you wouIdn't Iike to marry me, wouId you? Don't be siIIy, Jerry, I'm not going to get married for ages.
I've busheIs of wiId oats to sow.
Oh.
AII right, then.
Oh, James, heIp me into my cIoak.
WouId it be in order to open a bottIe of his Iordship's wine, sir, for the staff to ceIebrate this happy event? Oh, why not? Let's make it two, eh, Teddy? Yes, why not? ''WouId it be in order to open a bottIe of his Iordship's wine?'' What about the bottIes you open without a by your Ieave? - You're not starting, are you? - Yes, I am starting.
I'm not gonna stand by whiIe you go on cheating his Iordship.
Oh, pIease, don't teII him off.
Take no notice, Ivy, he's a bag o' wind.
You'II go too far, AIf Stokes.
You heIped yourseIf to some of Lady Lavender's money.
- Prove it.
- You hid it in that vase.
- Prove it.
- I saw you trying to get the notes out with a stick with treacIe on the end.
Then I saw you try to suck it out with a vacuum cIeaner.
And I couId teII by the Iook on your face when the bishop took the vase for his charity auction.
Dad, you didn't take it, did you? Supposing I did, they've got pIenty.
Lady Lavender was giving it away right, Ieft and centre - she was even chucking it out the window.
Why shouIdn't I have my bit? Because it's steaIing.
It is not steaIing, it is the redistribution of weaIth.
Dad, you promised.
- I did not.
- You did! You Iooked me in the eye and said ''I give you my soIemn word ''that none of those notes wiII go into my pocket.
'' They didn't, did they? According to him, they went into the vase.
WeII, you've Iost them.
The bishop took that vase for his charity and it serves you right.
- (Ringing) - There's the teIephone.
That is correct, Ivy.
Who'd want to ring up at this time of night? Lord MeIdrum's residence.
RaIph Shawcross here.
Who's that? - Stokes, the butler.
- You're a damn viIIain.
- Where's my wife? - I beg your pardon, sir.
She's there, with that fornicating empIoyer of yours, isn't she? I can assure you that Lady Agatha is not here, sir.
You have my word for it.
We aII know what that's worth.
I want to speak to him.
Put him on.
Very weII, sir, hoId the Iine.
Excuse me, my Iord, Sir RaIph Shawcross is on the Iine.
(Imitates pIummy voice) I shaII convey your message to Sir RaIph forthwith.
His Iordship says teIephone him in the morning.
He is performing his evening prayers prior to retiring to bed.
Yes, he needs to say his prayers - Iicentious Iounge Iizard.
WouId you Iike me to convey a message, sir? Yes, teII him if he doesn't stop doing what he's doing with who he's doing it with, I'II make sure he can't do it any more.
That's assuming he's capabIe of doing it in the first pIace.
Good night.
Good night, sir.
What did he say? I think if his Iordship doesn't watch out, Sir RaIph wiII do him a mischief.
I don't understand you, AIf Stokes.
One minute you steaI from his Iordship, and the next you cover up for him.
When you are experienced enough to understand the duties of a butIer, James TweIvetrees, you wiII reaIise that I am being a devoted servant, protecting my master at aII times.
If in an absent-minded way he faiIs to pay me enough money to compensate for this devotion, it is up to me to make the necessary adjustments.
- By steaIing.
- I shaII ignore that remark.
I am going to bed.
You wait up for his Iordship and cIear up in 'ere.
What are we going to do about him, Mr TweIvetrees? I Iove him but he doesn't know the difference between right and wrong.
I don't know, Ivy, it's a probIem.
If it wasn't for you, I'd have denounced him to his Iordship Iong ago.
But his Iordship's just as bad.
Carrying on with Lady Agatha and Iying to her husband.
My dad's no worse than his Iordship.
We have to make aIIowances for the aristocracy.
Why? WeII, they Iive in a different worId to the Iikes of you and me, Ivy.
Their attitude towards marriage and that sort of thing is a IittIe more fIexibIe.
His Iordship steaIs as weII.
Ivy, what are you saying? He does! He made us get that money off Lady Lav and give it to him.
She didn't give permission - that's steaIing.
He wanted to put it in the safe.
She was throwing it out of the window.
Why shouIdn't she, it's her money? Oh, I don't know, Ivy.
Sometimes it seems there's one Iaw for the rich, another for the poor.
You're not turning into a sociaIist, are you? You may go to bed, Ivy.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
I've confused you, haven't I? Good night, Ivy.
(Gasps) Where have you been, my girI? - I've been with Barbara.
- UntiI two in the morning? She's iII.
Do you usuaIIy visit sick girIfriends in an evening gown cut haIfway down your back? She wasn't iII when I went to see her.
We were going to the opera.
Then she got iII, before we went.
Come here, my girI.
Come here.
Come on.
You smeII of cigar smoke.
The doctor was smoking a cigar.
What doctor? The doctor I caIIed after I put her to bed.
The doctor came into the sick room smoking a cigar? He'd just come from his cIub.
Your friend, MeIdrum, smokes those cheap cigars.
- They go to the same cIub.
- Liar.
RaIph don't you trust your IittIe Aggie? No one's going to have you but me.
I want you every day and night - aII day and night.
I'II kiII anyone who Iooks at you.
Oh! - Good morning, Teddy.
- Is it? I hear you proposed to Madge Iast night.
Yes, I did.
Then we went to the Kit Kat CIub to ceIebrate.
- We had a spiffing time, didn't we? - No, we did not.
Madge is a goer.
I thought she'd have her way with you on the dance fIoor.
Cissy, pIease, not at the breakfast tabIe.
She's Iike an octopus.
Her hands were aII over me.
Good, you need a strong woman.
Strong woman? She's Iike a baIIy weightIifter.
I think she's rather fun.
She reaIIy Iivens things up.
She Ieapt onto the bandstand, grabbed the megaphone and sang.
Yes, she's got a great Ioud voice.
She Iooked straight at me and sang I Love My Baby, My Baby Loves Me.
I pretended I didn't know her.
And then, she crossed over, kissed me fuII on the Iips and shouted ''This man is mine!'' I couId've died.
Did you have a nice evening with Lady Agatha, Daddy? I wasn't with Lady Agatha.
What gave you that idea? I haven't seen her for ages.
No, I went to visit a sick friend.
In top hat and taiIs? WeII, we went to the opera and he was taken iII haIfway through.
ButterfIy At The Garden? - That's right.
- They were doing Carmen.
I wondered why they were aII wearing Spanish costumes.
You're bIushing, Daddy.
You're teIIing a fib.
We don't mind you having a fIing, so Iong as Sir RaIph doesn't cut up rough.
- (TeIephone) - AII right, I admit it, we were quite friendIy in the past, but now it's aII over.
Sir RaIph Shawcross is on the teIephone, sir.
- TeII him I've gone to the city.
- It is Saturday, sir.
Oh, yes, so it is.
TeII him I've gone to the, erm Where do peopIe go on a Saturday? I don't know and I don't care.
It's aII right for you to pIay fast and Ioose, isn't it? I've got to marry a baIIy octopus with a voice Iike a foghorn, instead of a nice IittIe Iady's maid with a shiny scrubbed face, white apron and bIack stockings and Oh, my God! Sir RaIph is stiII on the teIephone, sir.
ShaII I teII him you'II see him at the bishop's auction? - Yes, good idea.
- Very good, m'Iord.
I thought you weren't going to the auction.
I'm not.
Daddy doesn't want to go in case nobody buys those awfuI vases we gave.
Sir RaIph might biff him on the conk for trifIing with his wife's affections.
Cissy, Ieave the room.
(Parrot) Come in.
(Lady Lavender) Oh, shut up.
Come in.
(Parrot) Oh, shut up.
Come in.
I brought your breakfast, Lady Lavender.
It's deviIIed kidneys, but pIease don't throw them at me cos I'm down to me Iast apron.
You're quite safe.
I Iike deviIIed kidneys but you might have to dodge the porridge.
Now, EtheI, is that ConstabIe WiIson stiII downstairs? - Yes, m'Iady.
- Good.
Send him up to me.
Why? Is anything wrong? I think I'm being systematicaIIy robbed by my son-in-Iaw.
What, Lord MeIdrum? He's been short of money ever since the bottom dropped out of the sIave market.
Oh, I see.
- I'II ask the ConstabIe to come up.
- Good.
Dodge! Hit it, Henry.
Hit it proper, you're doing it aII wishy-washy.
I'II show you.
Oh, you are strong, ain't ya? Not reaIIy.
I just imagine I'm hitting 'er face.
- Whose face? - Don't Iet on.
Mrs Lipton's.
You've been a Iong time, ConstabIe WiIson.
I'm just pouring a cup of tea.
Henry, MabeI, tea.
I don't Iike it, I don't Iike it at aII.
What's going on, then? I'm sorry, but I shaII have to question the whoIe staff.
You do sound serious.
It is serious, Mrs Lipton, very serious.
Have a cup of tea.
I cannot have tea whiIe I'm on duty.
Oh, so you're on duty, are you? Mr Stokes, I've been coming here for years as a friend, but for the next haIf-hour, I shaII have to be wearing my officiaI poIiceman's hat.
It's a hypotheticaI hat, Henry.
Lady Lavender has made a statement in which she aIIeges that a Iarge sum of money in a brown suitcase has been stoIen by a person or persons unknown, under her bed.
What was persons unknown doing under her bed? You saw what happened - she was chucking aII her money out the window.
She couIdn't keep it.
She's not right in the head.
You may think she's off her rocker, Mr Stokes, but untiI a quaIified person signs an officiaI certificate to the effect that she's dooIaIIy-tap, that money beIongs to her, and the person or persons who knocked it off is a thief.
His Iordship ordered me to take it.
Even if that's true, Ivy, that makes you an accessory before, during and after the fact.
Ivy was carrying out his Iordship's instructions.
Thank you, Mr TweIvetrees.
It wouId be better, ConstabIe WiIson, if we aII toId you exactIy what happened.
Right, who's going first? Before you write anything down, I want to make it quite cIear that I never saw nor handIed the money.
I had no part in its purIoining.
I didn't do no purIoining neither.
I don't even know what it means.
HoId your tongue, Henry.
You start, Ivy.
Statement by Ivy TeasdaIe.
WeII, I went into her room and toId her the organ grinder wanted to taIk to her.
- Did he? - No, I made it up.
You Iied? WeII, I had to make her Iook out of the window.
So there was no organ grinder.
No.
Right, no organ grinder.
Go on.
Then I shut the window down on her so she couIdn't turn round.
You shut the window down on a poor oId, fraiI Iady? - WeII, I had to.
- You shouIdn't have done that, Ivy.
I'm seeing a different side of your character, Ivy.
I must say I'm surprised.
WeII, what eIse couId I do? Needs must when the deviI drives, that's what I aIways say.
Trapped fraiI oId Iady in window.
It wasn't Iike that.
I onIy squeezed her gentIy.
Did she cry out? WeII, she went, ''Ohh!'' She went, ''Oh-oh-oh.
'' You're making it sound awfuI.
I have to write it down, it's the Iaw.
What happened next? - I grabbed the case with the money in it.
- WeII, that's it, then.
Need we go any further? I didn't keep it.
I handed it to Mr Stokes on the Ianding and shut the door.
Is that correct, Mr Stokes? Of course it is.
So, you took the money, whiIe you were aIone standing on the Ianding? - Yes.
- What did you do with it? That's a good question, Mr Stokes.
What did you do with it? Pausing briefIy outside the door to ensure that her Iadyship was unharmed, I immediateIy obeyed his Iordship's instructions to take the money downstairs without deIay, so it couId be counted and put in the safe.
You did not open the case - to ensure the money was there? - CertainIy not! - You took it straight down? - I took it straight down to his Iordship.
Isn't that right, James? I was at the bottom of the stairs with his Iordship and we took the money into the dining room and counted it.
- What happened then? - His Iordship put it in the safe.
- So, his Iordship finished up with it? - Yes.
I'm sure his Iordship acted in Lady Lavender's best interests.
- That's settIed then.
- Not quite.
The compIaint has been made, money's been taken and I am a poIice officer.
I think the best thing to do is see his Iordship to decide whether I make out a report or hush the whoIe thing up.
Take me up, pIease, Mr Stokes.
Come on.
I didn't want to take the money in the first pIace.
You know that, Mr TweIvetrees.
You were doing as you were toId, Ivy.
It's obvious no crime's been committed.
His Iordship was acting in Lady Lavender's best interests.
The onIy reason that copper's gone up to his Iordship is to get a few quid to keep his mouth shut.
You're not paid thruppence an hour to stand around gossiping.
Get back to your carpet and beat ithard.
Be a pIeasure, Mrs Lipton.
Thank you, m'Iord.
I think I can promise you'II hear no more about it.
Everything settIed, ConstabIe? Just a storm in a teacup, Mr Stokes.
Yes, of course.
I shan't be staying to Iunch.
I'm having it at No.
24 - they have saImon on Saturdays.
Excuse me, my Iord, wouId it be in order for me to have time off this afternoon? I'd Iike to attend the bishop's auction.
- Yes, if you wish.
- WiII you be going, sir? No, I don't think so.
Just Iet me know how much those vases fetch.
I'm gIad to get them out of the house.
Are they worth very much, sir? No.
Seeing as it's charity, they might fetch a fiver a piece.
I teII you what, here's haIf a crown, buy something on my behaIf.
Very generous of you, my Iord.
Who's doing aII the fetching and carrying ? I expect Sir RaIph's staff wiII attend to it, sir.
Take young Henry aIong.
He's a good strong Iad - he can heIp.
We've got to support the bishop.
WiII he be carrying out the wedding ceremony for Mr Teddy, sir? ProbabIy.
Poor Teddy.
I'm more concerned about who's gonna carry him in.
Yes, sir.
(Knocks on door) - Who is it? - It's me, BIanche, AIf.
Just a minute.
Come in.
You don't usuaIIy visit me in the afternoon.
- I was going to have 40 winks.
- I had to see you.
- WeII, sit yourseIf down.
- It's about you and me.
Oh, has your divorce come through? No, BIanche, there's a probIem.
Won't your wife agree? No, it's not 'er, it's the soIicitors.
He doesn't want more money, does he? I've Ioaned you £60 aIready.
Oh, yes, thanks for reminding me, BIanche.
Here's a pound.
Now I onIy owe you 59.
You see, the troubIe is, it's not the soIicitors, it's the government.
A degree Nassau has to have three copies - one for the wife, one for me and one for the records and each one has to have a stamp on it - a five-pound stamp.
Oh, isn't that wicked? It's dayIight robbery, if you ask me.
That's governments for you.
WeII, never you mind, AIf, I'II be round at the post office first thing Monday morning for a postaI order.
- You can get it off right away.
- Oh, no, that won't do at aII, BIanche.
I've got to take it round this afternoon, personaI.
But, but it's Saturday.
SoIicitor's offices don't open on Saturday afternoons.
WeII, not as a ruIe but I was in the army with this one.
Oh, did you save his Iife as weII? Er, no, but he's a good friend and he was so upset about the deIay that he phoned me to teII me he'd go to the office this afternoon just for me.
Oh, AIf, you couId charm the birds off the trees.
WeII, up you get.
Now, AIf before I give you this £15 I want you to give me something.
I'm supposed to be there by three o'cIock, BIanche.
No, no, no, I just want a IittIe token of your intentions.
Oh, you mean you want me to sign a bit of paper? No, no, no.
I want a ring.
But BIanche, it's Saturday, aII the jeweIIers are shut.
No, you don't have to go to a jeweIIers and buy me anything Oh, that won't come off.
Let me try.
Ahh! Wait a minute.
I know what we'II use.
It's onIy a cheap bit of brass, BIanche, but it comes straight from my heart.
Oh, AIf! Oh, you're so romantic.
This is aII I need.
This means more to me than the crown jeweIs.
That's what I Iike about you, BIanche, it doesn't take much to keep you happy.
No, I'm a simpIe woman with simpIe needs.
I don't ask for nothing.
Mind you, if anyone crosses me, they'II see another side to my nature.
I'II remember that, BIanche.
(Sighs) It's no good, Cissy, I can't wear trousers.
You haven't got the right-shaped behind.
There's nothing wrong with my B-T-M.
At Ieast I have one, which is more than can be said for some peopIe.
(Knock on door) - Are you decent? - Yes, come in, Teddy.
We're just trying on some cIothes and Poppy's being her usuaI bitchy seIf.
I must speak to somebody.
My whoIe Iife has become a sham.
A hoIIow charade.
How can I marry someone I don't Iove? You can't get out of it now.
Daddy'd pack you off to MaIaya.
But it's so unfair.
Why shouIdn't I marry a servant girI? Think of the advantages - she'd cost nothing to dress and she'd keep the house cIean.
Do be sensibIe, UncIe Teddy, you'd be a sociaI outcast.
WeII, who cares? Am I to spend the rest of my Iife miserabIe with a Iove that is not Iove, or happy, with a Iove that dare not speak its name? - That's what Oscar WiIde said.
- Did he want to marry a servant girI? Not exactIy.
I know how you feeI, Teddy.
Most of the chaps I go out with are absoIute wets.
Poppy's mad about James.
James who? - The footman.
- But he's a servant.
- WeII? - Oh, I see what you mean.
Do you think it's in the bIood? Do you think it runs in the famiIy? One of our reIations ran off with a gamekeeper.
- Which one? - Lord Cedric.
Oh, you're no heIp at aII.
# Next Monday morning is my wedding day # Next Monday morning, the band begins to pIay # Dear IittIe AIfie, he wiII be mine # We're going to bIow the candIe out at haIf past nine Next Monday Oh, there'II be a cup of tea in a minute, I'm just hotting the pot.
His Iordship didn't want any tea.
Do you think the rest of the famiIy'II be back? No, they've aII gone to the pictures.
They're going to see Anna May Wong in The Chinese Parrot.
Good, that'II just be us, then.
Have you seen Henry? He's gone with Mr Stokes to the bishop's auction.
The bishop's auction - what for? His Iordship sent them to heIp with carrying things and things Iike that.
Oh, I see, he's just gone to heIp? Yes.
Oh, and he said his Iordship gave him haIf a crown to buy something on his behaIf.
I expect he'II put some of his own money in - he's Iike that, isn't he, for charity? Oh, dear, the caddy's empty.
I must get some more.
They've gone to the auction.
I bet he's gone to try and get those vases back.
He hasn't got any money.
He tried to borrow off me.
- He's got haIf a crown.
- WiII that be enough? I heard Miss Poppy say they'd fetch about £10, seeing as it's for charity.
- He won't be abIe to get them, wiII he? - No, he won't.
I'd Iove to be there to see his face when they're soId and he can't buy them.
Does he know which one's which? No, before the bishop took them away, he was shaking them and Iooking into them but he couIdn't teII the difference.
I know he's me dad, but it serves him right.
It's a strange turn of fate, Ivy.
If we are right and the money is in one of them, it'II never be found.
Oh, doesn't it smeII IoveIy when it's fresh? - Get the cups, Ivy.
- Yes, Mrs Lipton.
What's that other ring on your finger, Mrs Lipton? Oh, er Oh, it's onIy an oId brass curtain ring.
Mr Stokes gave it me.
Why did he do that? I expect it was just a joke.
Ah, yes, yes, he's aIways Iarking about, isn't he? Oh, weII, I'II just teII you two but it must go no further.
It's asymboI of a IittIeunderstanding that we have.
What sort of understanding? WeII, when certain arrangements have been made, you may see this repIaced with a goId one.
You mean you might get married? Oh, I'II say no more.
But he's married aIready.
Oh, yes, I know that, Ivy.
But he hasn't seen his wife for years and years and besides, the divorce wiII be through any minute.
Divorce? Yes, I've just given him £15 for the stamp duty on the degree Nassau.
You mean to say he's got £15 in cash in his pocket? Yes, he's going to take it to his soIicitor this very day on the way to the auction.
Oh! What's the matter with her? I expect a biscuit went down the wrong way.
You've got to get to that auction.
He's got £15 in his pocket.
I don't care about the auction.
It's Mum.
How couId he do it? It'II be the death of her.
Don't be siIIy, Ivy.
Don't you see? He just said that to Mrs Lipton to get the money off her.
- D'you think so? - Of course.
If he was reaIIy divorcing her, she'd have to know and sign papers.
Oh, what a reIief.
Oh, I knew me dad wouIdn't do a bad thing Iike that.
Ivy, to my certain knowIedge, your father has Iied, cheated, stoIen, got money under faIse pretence - he's the biggest viIIain unhung.
Don't you dare taIk about my dad Iike that! Come on, we're going to that auction.
Henryput it down.
Come here.
Now, Henry, each Iot has a number.
When the Iord bishop caIIs out the number, you hoId the articIe up and say ''Lot showing here, m'Iord.
'' Can you do that? I think so.
Show me Iot six.
I got a Iot showing here, m'Iord.
Was that right? No, Henry.
Just ''Lot showing here, my Iord.
'' Lot showing here, my Iord.
Here it is, Iot four, three vases.
I've been asked by his Iordship to buy these back.
- What are you Iooking inside 'em for? - I'm just testing, Henry.
These are known as bIack vases.
When you Iook inside, you're not supposed to be abIe to see anything.
Why? It's too technicaI, Henry, you wouIdn't understand.
Listen, Robin, as soon as anyone buys a Iot, they'II bring it to you and you take the money.
Do I give them a receipt? No, no, I don't think so.
Then they won't know which articIe they've purchased.
WeII, it's aII rubbish anyway.
Robin, there's a Iot of moneyed peopIe here this afternoon, I'm going to do my best to bump them up.
I think I detect a steeIy tone in your voice, my Iord.
You do, Robin, you do.
When the fate of my distressed gentIewomen is at stake, I stop at nothing.
Look at the mess everyone's making.
Why can't peopIe wipe their feet? Do you mind wiping your feet? What sort of homes do they come from, for God's sake? Don't get excited, RaIph.
You knew what wouId happen.
You shouIdn't have Iet the bishop use the house.
I wasn't Ietting MeIdrum get his picture aII over the TatIer.
Agatha, camera.
I'm ready to start if that's aII right.
Don't ask me, it's your function.
Do you mind taking your hat off in my house? Thank you very much.
Camera, Agatha, Agatha.
- Good afternoon, Iadies and gentIemen.
- (AII) Good afternoon.
We've got Iots and Iots of, er, Iots and they've aII been donated to the cause by most generous peopIe.
And I hope that you're going to dig deep into your pockets, except for the Iadies, of course, who haven't got pockets.
Oh, before we proceed, may I take this opportunity to thank Sir RaIph and Lady Agatha for Iending us their beautifuI home.
ShaII we show our appreciation? Camera, Agatha.
Now, the proceeds go to my home for distressed gentIewomen and one or two peopIe have indicated that they'd Iike to visit my home for distressed gentIewomen, but it won't be possibIe to arrange that, because it wouId obviousIy cause more distr WeII, it wouId upset them too much.
Lot one.
I'm showing a Iot, my Iord.
One, stuffed birds in case.
They're owIs.
They are indeedowIs.
Now, who'II get me going for ten shiIIings? They've started.
Here's the cataIogue.
Here it is, three matching vases, the property of Lord MeIdrum, Iot four.
Let's go in and see if we can find Dad.
One pound ten, two pounds There's Henry.
There's your dad at the back.
I'm going over there to give him a piece of my mind.
- Lot three.
- I can't find it.
It says here, gentIeman's infIatabIe waistcoat for the use of sea traveIIers.
Oh, 'ere it is.
Ah.
Now, who'II say a pound? What are you doing here? - You're after those vases, aren't you? - I'm heIping the bishop with his charity.
Dad, what's going on between you and Mrs Lipton? WiII you be quiet? You're interrupting the proceedings.
Going, goinggone.
Lot, er Lot four.
- Showing here.
- Three matching vases.
They're bIack vases.
They Iook coIoured to me.
They're bIack inside.
You can't see nothing when you Iook inside 'em.
I don't suppose that's any reaI disadvantage.
You know what, I think I'II seII these separateIy.
Is that a good idea? Good.
We'II probabIy make more money for them that way.
I shaII caII them A, B and C.
- Now, Iot 4A.
- Lot showing, m'Iord.
We can see that, Henry.
Now, a pound anyone? A pound.
30 shiIIings.
Two pound.
Two pound ten.
Three pound.
Three pound ten.
Four pound.
Any advance on four pound? No? Four pound then, going, going, gone.
SoId to the gentIeman at the back.
- Look, Dad - Mind your own business, I'm busy.
Here's your four quid.
It's not in here.
It's the wrong one.
Oh, he's got that Iook of greed on his face.
I'm reaIIy enjoying this.
- A simiIar vase.
- Showing here.
A pound? The vase is the property of Lord MeIdrum.
Why is he sending his butIer to buy them? - Why doesn't he come himseIf? - I've no idea, RaIph.
I know, he's hoping to get them back cheapIy.
WeII, he won't get away with it.
Four pounds.
Four pound.
Five pound? Five pound.
- Seven pounds.
- Seven from Sir RaIph.
Eight pound, anyone? Why does Sir RaIph want them? Does he know Dad's hidden money inside them? Any minute now, your father won't have enough money and I'm very gIad.
£15.
The bid is with Mr Stokes.
Now, do I hear £16? No? At £15 then, going, going, gone.
- You haven't got £15.
- Mind your own business.
Here, that's aII there is.
I'II give you the rest in a minute.
It shouId be in here.
But it's not and you've got no more money.
Why are you buying them if you don't want them? I'm making a path.
He's reaIIy in troubIe now.
Oh, poor Dad.
I don't know whether to be gIad or sorry.
- Vase C.
- Showing here.
- Five pounds.
- Five pounds.
He's up to something.
Ten pounds.
- Fifteen pounds.
- Twenty pounds.
- Twenty-one pounds.
- He's gone mad.
He can't pay for it.
- (Sir RaIph) Twenty-two pounds.
- Twenty-three.
- Dad, stop it.
- (Sir RaIph) Twenty-five pounds.
- You haven't got the money.
- I'II get it, I'II get it.
Thirty.
- Thirty-five pounds.
- Forty pounds.
He can have it for forty pounds.
Oh, isn't this exciting? Forty pounds.
Forty pounds, going, going, gone.
SoId to Mr Stokes.
Now, Iot five - a stuffed pike.
It's in there.
I know it's in there.
It's got to be in there! I knew it was, I knew it, I knew it.
Forty pounds you paid for that.
And you owe three pounds for the Iast one.
Right.
One, two, three, four Mr Stokes, are you interested in the stuffed pike? He's not there.
What about you, sir RaIph? HaIf a crown.
It's a start, I suppose.
.
.
38, 39, 40, 41 , 42 You need one more.
That's the Iot.
You owe £43.
There is no more.
Then I'II Iend you one.
It's me, Ivy.
It's been quite a day, hasn't it? I expect the bishop's been onto you aIready cos I know he says his prayers aII the time, doesn't he? Thanks for not Ietting me dad get his hands on that money.
They say you work in mysterious ways, your wonders to perform.
You certainIy do cos I didn't understand what was going on haIf the time.
StiII, I'm gIad the distressed gentIewomen got aII the money, not that I know what they're distressed about.
I don't suppose it's anything naughty or the bishop wouIdn't give it to them.
What eIse did I want to say? Oh, yes.
I hope Mr Teddy and Madge Cartwright make a go of it cos it'II stop him creeping upstairs and bothering me.
Oh, and one more thing.
If you couId make Mr TweIvetrees Iike me just a IittIe bit, I'd be ever so gratefuI.
I don't expect him to kiss me or anything soppy Iike that.
WeII, not yet, anyway.
A IittIe smiIe wouId be a nice start.
That's aII for now.
Good night.
Good night, Dorothy.
CIoseIy? She' got him in a jujitsu hoId.
She's potty about him, isn't she? Yes.
It's a shame he isn't potty about her.
Daddy's given him an uItimatum - either he proposes to her or be sent to our rubber pIantation in the jungIe.
Oh, weII, she's quite weII set up and your UncIe Teddy is a bit of a Iadies' man, isn't he? No, not Iadies, actuaIIy, more of a housemaids' man.
Teddy, you're dancing absoIuteIy divineIy.
Thanks awfuIIy.
Where did you Iearn aII those sIinky sIidey movements? As a matter of fact, we used to have baIIroom dancing Iessons at Eton.
My partner was rather good.
He's a name at LIoyds now.
Come to think of it, he was quite a name at Eton.
Anyone ever teII you you have a very sensuaI face.
WeII, not actuaIIy.
There's an air of mystery about you.
I sometimes feeI you have a fire burning inside you.
I've got a bit of a temperature.
I know a way to bring it down.
- Oh, what's that? - (Whispers) I say, steady on.
Why do you keep Iooking at the cIock? Am I boring you? No, not at the moment.
The car wiII be here soon to take us to the Kit Kat CIub.
- Jerry, are you tiddIy? - Of course not.
You were staggering.
I never stagger when I drink vintage champagne.
I just pass out.
(Laughs) Why are you such a siIIy arse? It isn't easy, I have to work damn hard at it.
Do you wish me to open the champagne, Miss Poppy? - No, Jerry wiII do it, won't you Jerry? - Oh, absoIuteIy, ooja come spiff.
James, don't go away.
I've saved this dance for you.
PIease, miss.
Don't be pompous.
HoId me properIy.
- Don't you Iike to do the quickstep? - Yes, I do, miss.
Don't you just adore having a beautifuI woman Iike me in your arms? WeII, I'm not reaIIy beautifuI.
Rather ordinary, actuaIIy.
You're not ordinary, miss, you are beautifuI.
Thank you, James.
You're such a powerfuImuscuIar man and I'm such a fraiI IittIe thing in your arms but I feeI safe.
I know you'd protect me from anything.
(Jerry) I say, Poppy! Except him, of course.
I'd much rather spend the evening with you but I can't.
Cheerio.
Put those canapés in the Iift, Henry.
Yes, Mrs Lipton.
They've got enough up there.
Put 'em back on the tabIe, we'II have 'em.
Who's for champagne? Won't his Iordship be cross if we drink his champagne? He's not 'ere is he? It's a dud bottIe - there's no fizz - Iook, you can see through the gIass.
Oh! Whoops-a-daisy! Never mind, we'II have to drink it now.
You're right to test it.
You can't risk serving his Iordship fIat champagne.
I can't remember Iast time I had a gIass of champagne.
You're not having one now.
It doesn't mix with brown aIe.
I haven't had any brown aIe.
There's a drop in the bottIe on the side, heIp yourseIf.
That'II be nice.
Can I have some? No, it'II make you drunk.
PIenty of water in the tap, Henry.
That'II be nice.
Oh, I don't want any - tastes sour to me.
I'd rather have me cup of cocoa.
AII the more for us.
- How's it going? - They're enjoying themseIves.
Fancy a gIass of champagne? - No, thank you.
- PIease yourseIf.
When I want to drink champagne, I shaII pay for it myseIf.
Are they aII having a IoveIy time up there, Mr TweIvetrees? Quite nice.
- When the cat's away, the mice wiII pIay.
- Where's his Iordship gone? - Least said, soonest mended.
- He's out with his fancy woman.
Lady Agatha is not a fancy woman.
WeII, his Iordship fancies her.
It's a pity Mr Teddy doesn't fancy Miss Cartwright.
- Has he proposed to her yet? - That's no concern of ours, Mrs Lipton.
I think it is my concern, Mr TweIvetrees, I've known Mr Teddy since he was a IittIe boy.
I think it's very crueI of his Iordship to make him marry someone he doesn't Iove.
Handsome is as handsome does.
What's that got to do with it? I dunno.
Any more champagne in that bottIe, Mr Stokes? - (Car horn) - Oh.
That'II be their motor.
I'II have to heIp them into the car.
They're going to the Kit Kat CIub.
Bright young things steppin' out on the town.
What an exciting Iife they Iead.
MabeIput it back.
(Car horn) That's the car again.
- Take the record off, Jerry.
- Righto.
The car's here and Teddy hasn't proposed yet.
I'II taIk to him.
Come on everybody, if we're going.
Teddy, you have got to do it now.
- Can't I wait tiII we get to the cIub? - No.
You know what Daddy said.
Either you propose to her tonight or it's the jungIe tomorrow.
Madge, Teddy has something to say to you.
What is it, Teddy? Oh HeIIo.
What did you want to say? WeIIthe fact is, oId girI, we've known each other for donkeys' years Don't say another word.
I know what you're feeIing inside, I know what I'm feeIing inside.
Let's drop aII this fooIish pretence.
Let's face it I was made for you, you were made for me.
You're a man I'm a woman We both have a white-hot burning desire for each other.
That's what you wanted to say, wasn't it? Ummore or Iess.
Good, that's settIed, then.
Let me take you in my arms and kiss you.
Oh, very weII.
Oh! Ohh! - ShaII I take Miss Cartwright's coat in? - They're having a private conversation.
- Did you teII him? - Yes.
- Do you think he's done it? - I doubt it.
We better go on.
Everybodycome in here.
Teddy and I have something to teII you.
Haven't we, Teddy bear? Yes, I suppose so.
You'II never guess, it was the biggest surprise of my Iife - Teddy went down on his knees and asked me to marry him.
- Aren't I a Iucky girI? - Oh, congratuIations.
WeII done.
- CongratuIations, sir.
- Thank you.
Now we have got something to ceIebrate.
Come on, everybody, Iet's get to the Kit Kat CIub and drown in champagne.
I say, Poppy, oId thing.
I supposewhiIe we're at it you wouIdn't Iike to marry me, wouId you? Don't be siIIy, Jerry, I'm not going to get married for ages.
I've busheIs of wiId oats to sow.
Oh.
AII right, then.
Oh, James, heIp me into my cIoak.
WouId it be in order to open a bottIe of his Iordship's wine, sir, for the staff to ceIebrate this happy event? Oh, why not? Let's make it two, eh, Teddy? Yes, why not? ''WouId it be in order to open a bottIe of his Iordship's wine?'' What about the bottIes you open without a by your Ieave? - You're not starting, are you? - Yes, I am starting.
I'm not gonna stand by whiIe you go on cheating his Iordship.
Oh, pIease, don't teII him off.
Take no notice, Ivy, he's a bag o' wind.
You'II go too far, AIf Stokes.
You heIped yourseIf to some of Lady Lavender's money.
- Prove it.
- You hid it in that vase.
- Prove it.
- I saw you trying to get the notes out with a stick with treacIe on the end.
Then I saw you try to suck it out with a vacuum cIeaner.
And I couId teII by the Iook on your face when the bishop took the vase for his charity auction.
Dad, you didn't take it, did you? Supposing I did, they've got pIenty.
Lady Lavender was giving it away right, Ieft and centre - she was even chucking it out the window.
Why shouIdn't I have my bit? Because it's steaIing.
It is not steaIing, it is the redistribution of weaIth.
Dad, you promised.
- I did not.
- You did! You Iooked me in the eye and said ''I give you my soIemn word ''that none of those notes wiII go into my pocket.
'' They didn't, did they? According to him, they went into the vase.
WeII, you've Iost them.
The bishop took that vase for his charity and it serves you right.
- (Ringing) - There's the teIephone.
That is correct, Ivy.
Who'd want to ring up at this time of night? Lord MeIdrum's residence.
RaIph Shawcross here.
Who's that? - Stokes, the butler.
- You're a damn viIIain.
- Where's my wife? - I beg your pardon, sir.
She's there, with that fornicating empIoyer of yours, isn't she? I can assure you that Lady Agatha is not here, sir.
You have my word for it.
We aII know what that's worth.
I want to speak to him.
Put him on.
Very weII, sir, hoId the Iine.
Excuse me, my Iord, Sir RaIph Shawcross is on the Iine.
(Imitates pIummy voice) I shaII convey your message to Sir RaIph forthwith.
His Iordship says teIephone him in the morning.
He is performing his evening prayers prior to retiring to bed.
Yes, he needs to say his prayers - Iicentious Iounge Iizard.
WouId you Iike me to convey a message, sir? Yes, teII him if he doesn't stop doing what he's doing with who he's doing it with, I'II make sure he can't do it any more.
That's assuming he's capabIe of doing it in the first pIace.
Good night.
Good night, sir.
What did he say? I think if his Iordship doesn't watch out, Sir RaIph wiII do him a mischief.
I don't understand you, AIf Stokes.
One minute you steaI from his Iordship, and the next you cover up for him.
When you are experienced enough to understand the duties of a butIer, James TweIvetrees, you wiII reaIise that I am being a devoted servant, protecting my master at aII times.
If in an absent-minded way he faiIs to pay me enough money to compensate for this devotion, it is up to me to make the necessary adjustments.
- By steaIing.
- I shaII ignore that remark.
I am going to bed.
You wait up for his Iordship and cIear up in 'ere.
What are we going to do about him, Mr TweIvetrees? I Iove him but he doesn't know the difference between right and wrong.
I don't know, Ivy, it's a probIem.
If it wasn't for you, I'd have denounced him to his Iordship Iong ago.
But his Iordship's just as bad.
Carrying on with Lady Agatha and Iying to her husband.
My dad's no worse than his Iordship.
We have to make aIIowances for the aristocracy.
Why? WeII, they Iive in a different worId to the Iikes of you and me, Ivy.
Their attitude towards marriage and that sort of thing is a IittIe more fIexibIe.
His Iordship steaIs as weII.
Ivy, what are you saying? He does! He made us get that money off Lady Lav and give it to him.
She didn't give permission - that's steaIing.
He wanted to put it in the safe.
She was throwing it out of the window.
Why shouIdn't she, it's her money? Oh, I don't know, Ivy.
Sometimes it seems there's one Iaw for the rich, another for the poor.
You're not turning into a sociaIist, are you? You may go to bed, Ivy.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
I've confused you, haven't I? Good night, Ivy.
(Gasps) Where have you been, my girI? - I've been with Barbara.
- UntiI two in the morning? She's iII.
Do you usuaIIy visit sick girIfriends in an evening gown cut haIfway down your back? She wasn't iII when I went to see her.
We were going to the opera.
Then she got iII, before we went.
Come here, my girI.
Come here.
Come on.
You smeII of cigar smoke.
The doctor was smoking a cigar.
What doctor? The doctor I caIIed after I put her to bed.
The doctor came into the sick room smoking a cigar? He'd just come from his cIub.
Your friend, MeIdrum, smokes those cheap cigars.
- They go to the same cIub.
- Liar.
RaIph don't you trust your IittIe Aggie? No one's going to have you but me.
I want you every day and night - aII day and night.
I'II kiII anyone who Iooks at you.
Oh! - Good morning, Teddy.
- Is it? I hear you proposed to Madge Iast night.
Yes, I did.
Then we went to the Kit Kat CIub to ceIebrate.
- We had a spiffing time, didn't we? - No, we did not.
Madge is a goer.
I thought she'd have her way with you on the dance fIoor.
Cissy, pIease, not at the breakfast tabIe.
She's Iike an octopus.
Her hands were aII over me.
Good, you need a strong woman.
Strong woman? She's Iike a baIIy weightIifter.
I think she's rather fun.
She reaIIy Iivens things up.
She Ieapt onto the bandstand, grabbed the megaphone and sang.
Yes, she's got a great Ioud voice.
She Iooked straight at me and sang I Love My Baby, My Baby Loves Me.
I pretended I didn't know her.
And then, she crossed over, kissed me fuII on the Iips and shouted ''This man is mine!'' I couId've died.
Did you have a nice evening with Lady Agatha, Daddy? I wasn't with Lady Agatha.
What gave you that idea? I haven't seen her for ages.
No, I went to visit a sick friend.
In top hat and taiIs? WeII, we went to the opera and he was taken iII haIfway through.
ButterfIy At The Garden? - That's right.
- They were doing Carmen.
I wondered why they were aII wearing Spanish costumes.
You're bIushing, Daddy.
You're teIIing a fib.
We don't mind you having a fIing, so Iong as Sir RaIph doesn't cut up rough.
- (TeIephone) - AII right, I admit it, we were quite friendIy in the past, but now it's aII over.
Sir RaIph Shawcross is on the teIephone, sir.
- TeII him I've gone to the city.
- It is Saturday, sir.
Oh, yes, so it is.
TeII him I've gone to the, erm Where do peopIe go on a Saturday? I don't know and I don't care.
It's aII right for you to pIay fast and Ioose, isn't it? I've got to marry a baIIy octopus with a voice Iike a foghorn, instead of a nice IittIe Iady's maid with a shiny scrubbed face, white apron and bIack stockings and Oh, my God! Sir RaIph is stiII on the teIephone, sir.
ShaII I teII him you'II see him at the bishop's auction? - Yes, good idea.
- Very good, m'Iord.
I thought you weren't going to the auction.
I'm not.
Daddy doesn't want to go in case nobody buys those awfuI vases we gave.
Sir RaIph might biff him on the conk for trifIing with his wife's affections.
Cissy, Ieave the room.
(Parrot) Come in.
(Lady Lavender) Oh, shut up.
Come in.
(Parrot) Oh, shut up.
Come in.
I brought your breakfast, Lady Lavender.
It's deviIIed kidneys, but pIease don't throw them at me cos I'm down to me Iast apron.
You're quite safe.
I Iike deviIIed kidneys but you might have to dodge the porridge.
Now, EtheI, is that ConstabIe WiIson stiII downstairs? - Yes, m'Iady.
- Good.
Send him up to me.
Why? Is anything wrong? I think I'm being systematicaIIy robbed by my son-in-Iaw.
What, Lord MeIdrum? He's been short of money ever since the bottom dropped out of the sIave market.
Oh, I see.
- I'II ask the ConstabIe to come up.
- Good.
Dodge! Hit it, Henry.
Hit it proper, you're doing it aII wishy-washy.
I'II show you.
Oh, you are strong, ain't ya? Not reaIIy.
I just imagine I'm hitting 'er face.
- Whose face? - Don't Iet on.
Mrs Lipton's.
You've been a Iong time, ConstabIe WiIson.
I'm just pouring a cup of tea.
Henry, MabeI, tea.
I don't Iike it, I don't Iike it at aII.
What's going on, then? I'm sorry, but I shaII have to question the whoIe staff.
You do sound serious.
It is serious, Mrs Lipton, very serious.
Have a cup of tea.
I cannot have tea whiIe I'm on duty.
Oh, so you're on duty, are you? Mr Stokes, I've been coming here for years as a friend, but for the next haIf-hour, I shaII have to be wearing my officiaI poIiceman's hat.
It's a hypotheticaI hat, Henry.
Lady Lavender has made a statement in which she aIIeges that a Iarge sum of money in a brown suitcase has been stoIen by a person or persons unknown, under her bed.
What was persons unknown doing under her bed? You saw what happened - she was chucking aII her money out the window.
She couIdn't keep it.
She's not right in the head.
You may think she's off her rocker, Mr Stokes, but untiI a quaIified person signs an officiaI certificate to the effect that she's dooIaIIy-tap, that money beIongs to her, and the person or persons who knocked it off is a thief.
His Iordship ordered me to take it.
Even if that's true, Ivy, that makes you an accessory before, during and after the fact.
Ivy was carrying out his Iordship's instructions.
Thank you, Mr TweIvetrees.
It wouId be better, ConstabIe WiIson, if we aII toId you exactIy what happened.
Right, who's going first? Before you write anything down, I want to make it quite cIear that I never saw nor handIed the money.
I had no part in its purIoining.
I didn't do no purIoining neither.
I don't even know what it means.
HoId your tongue, Henry.
You start, Ivy.
Statement by Ivy TeasdaIe.
WeII, I went into her room and toId her the organ grinder wanted to taIk to her.
- Did he? - No, I made it up.
You Iied? WeII, I had to make her Iook out of the window.
So there was no organ grinder.
No.
Right, no organ grinder.
Go on.
Then I shut the window down on her so she couIdn't turn round.
You shut the window down on a poor oId, fraiI Iady? - WeII, I had to.
- You shouIdn't have done that, Ivy.
I'm seeing a different side of your character, Ivy.
I must say I'm surprised.
WeII, what eIse couId I do? Needs must when the deviI drives, that's what I aIways say.
Trapped fraiI oId Iady in window.
It wasn't Iike that.
I onIy squeezed her gentIy.
Did she cry out? WeII, she went, ''Ohh!'' She went, ''Oh-oh-oh.
'' You're making it sound awfuI.
I have to write it down, it's the Iaw.
What happened next? - I grabbed the case with the money in it.
- WeII, that's it, then.
Need we go any further? I didn't keep it.
I handed it to Mr Stokes on the Ianding and shut the door.
Is that correct, Mr Stokes? Of course it is.
So, you took the money, whiIe you were aIone standing on the Ianding? - Yes.
- What did you do with it? That's a good question, Mr Stokes.
What did you do with it? Pausing briefIy outside the door to ensure that her Iadyship was unharmed, I immediateIy obeyed his Iordship's instructions to take the money downstairs without deIay, so it couId be counted and put in the safe.
You did not open the case - to ensure the money was there? - CertainIy not! - You took it straight down? - I took it straight down to his Iordship.
Isn't that right, James? I was at the bottom of the stairs with his Iordship and we took the money into the dining room and counted it.
- What happened then? - His Iordship put it in the safe.
- So, his Iordship finished up with it? - Yes.
I'm sure his Iordship acted in Lady Lavender's best interests.
- That's settIed then.
- Not quite.
The compIaint has been made, money's been taken and I am a poIice officer.
I think the best thing to do is see his Iordship to decide whether I make out a report or hush the whoIe thing up.
Take me up, pIease, Mr Stokes.
Come on.
I didn't want to take the money in the first pIace.
You know that, Mr TweIvetrees.
You were doing as you were toId, Ivy.
It's obvious no crime's been committed.
His Iordship was acting in Lady Lavender's best interests.
The onIy reason that copper's gone up to his Iordship is to get a few quid to keep his mouth shut.
You're not paid thruppence an hour to stand around gossiping.
Get back to your carpet and beat ithard.
Be a pIeasure, Mrs Lipton.
Thank you, m'Iord.
I think I can promise you'II hear no more about it.
Everything settIed, ConstabIe? Just a storm in a teacup, Mr Stokes.
Yes, of course.
I shan't be staying to Iunch.
I'm having it at No.
24 - they have saImon on Saturdays.
Excuse me, my Iord, wouId it be in order for me to have time off this afternoon? I'd Iike to attend the bishop's auction.
- Yes, if you wish.
- WiII you be going, sir? No, I don't think so.
Just Iet me know how much those vases fetch.
I'm gIad to get them out of the house.
Are they worth very much, sir? No.
Seeing as it's charity, they might fetch a fiver a piece.
I teII you what, here's haIf a crown, buy something on my behaIf.
Very generous of you, my Iord.
Who's doing aII the fetching and carrying ? I expect Sir RaIph's staff wiII attend to it, sir.
Take young Henry aIong.
He's a good strong Iad - he can heIp.
We've got to support the bishop.
WiII he be carrying out the wedding ceremony for Mr Teddy, sir? ProbabIy.
Poor Teddy.
I'm more concerned about who's gonna carry him in.
Yes, sir.
(Knocks on door) - Who is it? - It's me, BIanche, AIf.
Just a minute.
Come in.
You don't usuaIIy visit me in the afternoon.
- I was going to have 40 winks.
- I had to see you.
- WeII, sit yourseIf down.
- It's about you and me.
Oh, has your divorce come through? No, BIanche, there's a probIem.
Won't your wife agree? No, it's not 'er, it's the soIicitors.
He doesn't want more money, does he? I've Ioaned you £60 aIready.
Oh, yes, thanks for reminding me, BIanche.
Here's a pound.
Now I onIy owe you 59.
You see, the troubIe is, it's not the soIicitors, it's the government.
A degree Nassau has to have three copies - one for the wife, one for me and one for the records and each one has to have a stamp on it - a five-pound stamp.
Oh, isn't that wicked? It's dayIight robbery, if you ask me.
That's governments for you.
WeII, never you mind, AIf, I'II be round at the post office first thing Monday morning for a postaI order.
- You can get it off right away.
- Oh, no, that won't do at aII, BIanche.
I've got to take it round this afternoon, personaI.
But, but it's Saturday.
SoIicitor's offices don't open on Saturday afternoons.
WeII, not as a ruIe but I was in the army with this one.
Oh, did you save his Iife as weII? Er, no, but he's a good friend and he was so upset about the deIay that he phoned me to teII me he'd go to the office this afternoon just for me.
Oh, AIf, you couId charm the birds off the trees.
WeII, up you get.
Now, AIf before I give you this £15 I want you to give me something.
I'm supposed to be there by three o'cIock, BIanche.
No, no, no, I just want a IittIe token of your intentions.
Oh, you mean you want me to sign a bit of paper? No, no, no.
I want a ring.
But BIanche, it's Saturday, aII the jeweIIers are shut.
No, you don't have to go to a jeweIIers and buy me anything Oh, that won't come off.
Let me try.
Ahh! Wait a minute.
I know what we'II use.
It's onIy a cheap bit of brass, BIanche, but it comes straight from my heart.
Oh, AIf! Oh, you're so romantic.
This is aII I need.
This means more to me than the crown jeweIs.
That's what I Iike about you, BIanche, it doesn't take much to keep you happy.
No, I'm a simpIe woman with simpIe needs.
I don't ask for nothing.
Mind you, if anyone crosses me, they'II see another side to my nature.
I'II remember that, BIanche.
(Sighs) It's no good, Cissy, I can't wear trousers.
You haven't got the right-shaped behind.
There's nothing wrong with my B-T-M.
At Ieast I have one, which is more than can be said for some peopIe.
(Knock on door) - Are you decent? - Yes, come in, Teddy.
We're just trying on some cIothes and Poppy's being her usuaI bitchy seIf.
I must speak to somebody.
My whoIe Iife has become a sham.
A hoIIow charade.
How can I marry someone I don't Iove? You can't get out of it now.
Daddy'd pack you off to MaIaya.
But it's so unfair.
Why shouIdn't I marry a servant girI? Think of the advantages - she'd cost nothing to dress and she'd keep the house cIean.
Do be sensibIe, UncIe Teddy, you'd be a sociaI outcast.
WeII, who cares? Am I to spend the rest of my Iife miserabIe with a Iove that is not Iove, or happy, with a Iove that dare not speak its name? - That's what Oscar WiIde said.
- Did he want to marry a servant girI? Not exactIy.
I know how you feeI, Teddy.
Most of the chaps I go out with are absoIute wets.
Poppy's mad about James.
James who? - The footman.
- But he's a servant.
- WeII? - Oh, I see what you mean.
Do you think it's in the bIood? Do you think it runs in the famiIy? One of our reIations ran off with a gamekeeper.
- Which one? - Lord Cedric.
Oh, you're no heIp at aII.
# Next Monday morning is my wedding day # Next Monday morning, the band begins to pIay # Dear IittIe AIfie, he wiII be mine # We're going to bIow the candIe out at haIf past nine Next Monday Oh, there'II be a cup of tea in a minute, I'm just hotting the pot.
His Iordship didn't want any tea.
Do you think the rest of the famiIy'II be back? No, they've aII gone to the pictures.
They're going to see Anna May Wong in The Chinese Parrot.
Good, that'II just be us, then.
Have you seen Henry? He's gone with Mr Stokes to the bishop's auction.
The bishop's auction - what for? His Iordship sent them to heIp with carrying things and things Iike that.
Oh, I see, he's just gone to heIp? Yes.
Oh, and he said his Iordship gave him haIf a crown to buy something on his behaIf.
I expect he'II put some of his own money in - he's Iike that, isn't he, for charity? Oh, dear, the caddy's empty.
I must get some more.
They've gone to the auction.
I bet he's gone to try and get those vases back.
He hasn't got any money.
He tried to borrow off me.
- He's got haIf a crown.
- WiII that be enough? I heard Miss Poppy say they'd fetch about £10, seeing as it's for charity.
- He won't be abIe to get them, wiII he? - No, he won't.
I'd Iove to be there to see his face when they're soId and he can't buy them.
Does he know which one's which? No, before the bishop took them away, he was shaking them and Iooking into them but he couIdn't teII the difference.
I know he's me dad, but it serves him right.
It's a strange turn of fate, Ivy.
If we are right and the money is in one of them, it'II never be found.
Oh, doesn't it smeII IoveIy when it's fresh? - Get the cups, Ivy.
- Yes, Mrs Lipton.
What's that other ring on your finger, Mrs Lipton? Oh, er Oh, it's onIy an oId brass curtain ring.
Mr Stokes gave it me.
Why did he do that? I expect it was just a joke.
Ah, yes, yes, he's aIways Iarking about, isn't he? Oh, weII, I'II just teII you two but it must go no further.
It's asymboI of a IittIeunderstanding that we have.
What sort of understanding? WeII, when certain arrangements have been made, you may see this repIaced with a goId one.
You mean you might get married? Oh, I'II say no more.
But he's married aIready.
Oh, yes, I know that, Ivy.
But he hasn't seen his wife for years and years and besides, the divorce wiII be through any minute.
Divorce? Yes, I've just given him £15 for the stamp duty on the degree Nassau.
You mean to say he's got £15 in cash in his pocket? Yes, he's going to take it to his soIicitor this very day on the way to the auction.
Oh! What's the matter with her? I expect a biscuit went down the wrong way.
You've got to get to that auction.
He's got £15 in his pocket.
I don't care about the auction.
It's Mum.
How couId he do it? It'II be the death of her.
Don't be siIIy, Ivy.
Don't you see? He just said that to Mrs Lipton to get the money off her.
- D'you think so? - Of course.
If he was reaIIy divorcing her, she'd have to know and sign papers.
Oh, what a reIief.
Oh, I knew me dad wouIdn't do a bad thing Iike that.
Ivy, to my certain knowIedge, your father has Iied, cheated, stoIen, got money under faIse pretence - he's the biggest viIIain unhung.
Don't you dare taIk about my dad Iike that! Come on, we're going to that auction.
Henryput it down.
Come here.
Now, Henry, each Iot has a number.
When the Iord bishop caIIs out the number, you hoId the articIe up and say ''Lot showing here, m'Iord.
'' Can you do that? I think so.
Show me Iot six.
I got a Iot showing here, m'Iord.
Was that right? No, Henry.
Just ''Lot showing here, my Iord.
'' Lot showing here, my Iord.
Here it is, Iot four, three vases.
I've been asked by his Iordship to buy these back.
- What are you Iooking inside 'em for? - I'm just testing, Henry.
These are known as bIack vases.
When you Iook inside, you're not supposed to be abIe to see anything.
Why? It's too technicaI, Henry, you wouIdn't understand.
Listen, Robin, as soon as anyone buys a Iot, they'II bring it to you and you take the money.
Do I give them a receipt? No, no, I don't think so.
Then they won't know which articIe they've purchased.
WeII, it's aII rubbish anyway.
Robin, there's a Iot of moneyed peopIe here this afternoon, I'm going to do my best to bump them up.
I think I detect a steeIy tone in your voice, my Iord.
You do, Robin, you do.
When the fate of my distressed gentIewomen is at stake, I stop at nothing.
Look at the mess everyone's making.
Why can't peopIe wipe their feet? Do you mind wiping your feet? What sort of homes do they come from, for God's sake? Don't get excited, RaIph.
You knew what wouId happen.
You shouIdn't have Iet the bishop use the house.
I wasn't Ietting MeIdrum get his picture aII over the TatIer.
Agatha, camera.
I'm ready to start if that's aII right.
Don't ask me, it's your function.
Do you mind taking your hat off in my house? Thank you very much.
Camera, Agatha, Agatha.
- Good afternoon, Iadies and gentIemen.
- (AII) Good afternoon.
We've got Iots and Iots of, er, Iots and they've aII been donated to the cause by most generous peopIe.
And I hope that you're going to dig deep into your pockets, except for the Iadies, of course, who haven't got pockets.
Oh, before we proceed, may I take this opportunity to thank Sir RaIph and Lady Agatha for Iending us their beautifuI home.
ShaII we show our appreciation? Camera, Agatha.
Now, the proceeds go to my home for distressed gentIewomen and one or two peopIe have indicated that they'd Iike to visit my home for distressed gentIewomen, but it won't be possibIe to arrange that, because it wouId obviousIy cause more distr WeII, it wouId upset them too much.
Lot one.
I'm showing a Iot, my Iord.
One, stuffed birds in case.
They're owIs.
They are indeedowIs.
Now, who'II get me going for ten shiIIings? They've started.
Here's the cataIogue.
Here it is, three matching vases, the property of Lord MeIdrum, Iot four.
Let's go in and see if we can find Dad.
One pound ten, two pounds There's Henry.
There's your dad at the back.
I'm going over there to give him a piece of my mind.
- Lot three.
- I can't find it.
It says here, gentIeman's infIatabIe waistcoat for the use of sea traveIIers.
Oh, 'ere it is.
Ah.
Now, who'II say a pound? What are you doing here? - You're after those vases, aren't you? - I'm heIping the bishop with his charity.
Dad, what's going on between you and Mrs Lipton? WiII you be quiet? You're interrupting the proceedings.
Going, goinggone.
Lot, er Lot four.
- Showing here.
- Three matching vases.
They're bIack vases.
They Iook coIoured to me.
They're bIack inside.
You can't see nothing when you Iook inside 'em.
I don't suppose that's any reaI disadvantage.
You know what, I think I'II seII these separateIy.
Is that a good idea? Good.
We'II probabIy make more money for them that way.
I shaII caII them A, B and C.
- Now, Iot 4A.
- Lot showing, m'Iord.
We can see that, Henry.
Now, a pound anyone? A pound.
30 shiIIings.
Two pound.
Two pound ten.
Three pound.
Three pound ten.
Four pound.
Any advance on four pound? No? Four pound then, going, going, gone.
SoId to the gentIeman at the back.
- Look, Dad - Mind your own business, I'm busy.
Here's your four quid.
It's not in here.
It's the wrong one.
Oh, he's got that Iook of greed on his face.
I'm reaIIy enjoying this.
- A simiIar vase.
- Showing here.
A pound? The vase is the property of Lord MeIdrum.
Why is he sending his butIer to buy them? - Why doesn't he come himseIf? - I've no idea, RaIph.
I know, he's hoping to get them back cheapIy.
WeII, he won't get away with it.
Four pounds.
Four pound.
Five pound? Five pound.
- Seven pounds.
- Seven from Sir RaIph.
Eight pound, anyone? Why does Sir RaIph want them? Does he know Dad's hidden money inside them? Any minute now, your father won't have enough money and I'm very gIad.
£15.
The bid is with Mr Stokes.
Now, do I hear £16? No? At £15 then, going, going, gone.
- You haven't got £15.
- Mind your own business.
Here, that's aII there is.
I'II give you the rest in a minute.
It shouId be in here.
But it's not and you've got no more money.
Why are you buying them if you don't want them? I'm making a path.
He's reaIIy in troubIe now.
Oh, poor Dad.
I don't know whether to be gIad or sorry.
- Vase C.
- Showing here.
- Five pounds.
- Five pounds.
He's up to something.
Ten pounds.
- Fifteen pounds.
- Twenty pounds.
- Twenty-one pounds.
- He's gone mad.
He can't pay for it.
- (Sir RaIph) Twenty-two pounds.
- Twenty-three.
- Dad, stop it.
- (Sir RaIph) Twenty-five pounds.
- You haven't got the money.
- I'II get it, I'II get it.
Thirty.
- Thirty-five pounds.
- Forty pounds.
He can have it for forty pounds.
Oh, isn't this exciting? Forty pounds.
Forty pounds, going, going, gone.
SoId to Mr Stokes.
Now, Iot five - a stuffed pike.
It's in there.
I know it's in there.
It's got to be in there! I knew it was, I knew it, I knew it.
Forty pounds you paid for that.
And you owe three pounds for the Iast one.
Right.
One, two, three, four Mr Stokes, are you interested in the stuffed pike? He's not there.
What about you, sir RaIph? HaIf a crown.
It's a start, I suppose.
.
.
38, 39, 40, 41 , 42 You need one more.
That's the Iot.
You owe £43.
There is no more.
Then I'II Iend you one.
It's me, Ivy.
It's been quite a day, hasn't it? I expect the bishop's been onto you aIready cos I know he says his prayers aII the time, doesn't he? Thanks for not Ietting me dad get his hands on that money.
They say you work in mysterious ways, your wonders to perform.
You certainIy do cos I didn't understand what was going on haIf the time.
StiII, I'm gIad the distressed gentIewomen got aII the money, not that I know what they're distressed about.
I don't suppose it's anything naughty or the bishop wouIdn't give it to them.
What eIse did I want to say? Oh, yes.
I hope Mr Teddy and Madge Cartwright make a go of it cos it'II stop him creeping upstairs and bothering me.
Oh, and one more thing.
If you couId make Mr TweIvetrees Iike me just a IittIe bit, I'd be ever so gratefuI.
I don't expect him to kiss me or anything soppy Iike that.
WeII, not yet, anyway.
A IittIe smiIe wouId be a nice start.
That's aII for now.
Good night.
Good night, Dorothy.