You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s03e01 Episode Script
Please Help the Orphans
1 # From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear this same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Saucy flappers in cloche hats # Natty chappies in white spats The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? I'II do the top sheIves tomorrow.
If you worked a bit faster, you'd finish them today.
Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Oh, here's Mr Pearson from the grocers.
- I expect he's come for his money.
- I'II get the cash box.
I hope it's stiII got some money Ieft in it, Mr Stokes.
Afternoon, aII.
Sorry I'm a bit Iate.
Number eight's been going on about their cheeses.
- (Mr Stokes) Sit down, Mr Pearson.
- Thank you.
- WouId you Iike a gIass of sherry? - Thank you, Mr Stokes.
- We suppIy sherry and wines, you know.
- Not to his Iordship, you don't.
We have a satisfactory understanding with Berry Brothers in St James's.
That sherry Iooks nice.
AmontiIIado, is it? I can't remember the Iast time I had a nice gIass of sherry.
There's some brown aIe Ieft on the side there, MabeI.
Thank you.
I'II enjoy that.
Don't forget to take that coId porridge Ieft over from breakfast.
Oh, thank you.
There's a Iot of nourishment in porridge.
EspeciaIIy when it's been standing about a bit.
What do you want me to do now, sir? Lady Lavender's just had a bath.
Go up and cIean it.
I hope she hasn't washed her parrot.
There's four biIIs, Mr Stokes.
That's for the month.
They come to 23 pounds, seven and fourpence.
- Yes, we make it the same.
- Thank you.
Five, ten, 15, 20, 21 , 22, 23, - and five and fourpence.
- Thank you.
And our 5% comes to one pound, three and fourpence.
CaII it 25 bob.
- I don't think my boss wiII stand for that.
- There are other grocers.
If you don't watch out we shaII take our custom to Jackson's.
Don't be hasty.
I'II taIk to him.
You'd better.
The butcher and the fishmonger give us 7% .
They can do that with fish and meat.
It fIuctuates.
- I expect we can sort it out.
- I'm sure you can.
Cheerio, then.
And thanks for the sherry.
Oh, if your boss wouId Iike to give me a coupIe of bottIes of his best Fino, I'II try and get his Iordship to sampIe it.
- I'II taIk to him.
- CouId you make it three bottIes? No, he couIdn't.
And Mr Stokes toId you to go upstairs and cIean the bath, MabeI.
- Just going.
- And don't Iet anybody see you.
I'II put a rug over meseIf and stay cIose to the waII.
I'II give you your tweIve and six when I get a ten-shiIIing note.
I've got a better idea.
I'II have it aII.
That Ieaves 73 pounds, seven and sixpence you owe me, AIfred Stokes.
- If that's what you want, BIanche.
- Yes, it is.
And I'II teII you what eIse I want.
I want every penny back that you owe me.
Otherwise I shaII go up and see his Iordship and he'II deduct it from your wages.
That is if he doesn't give you the sack.
Is this you I hear speaking, BIanche? I can't beIieve my ears.
Oh, hoId your tongue, AIfred Stokes.
I don't want any more stories about your wife not giving you a divorce.
I want to hear it from her own Iips.
You bring her here to me and I'II have it out with her.
- The circus can't do without her.
- Rubbish.
She's not just on the trapeze, you know.
She's one of the Chinese juggIers.
And she takes the money at the box office.
It's a very smaII circus.
I suppose she cIeans up after the eIephants as weII.
OnIy on a Thursday, BIanche.
WeII, this Thursday she can come here and see me.
And you can start by paying me back that 73 pounds you owe me.
73 pounds, seven and six.
Don't do yourseIf down, BIanche.
Oh.
HeIIo, Lavender.
Who are you? - Teddy.
- Teddy who? - George's brother.
- Oh, yes, of course.
You're the one who sits next to me at breakfast, who puts aII the servant girIs in the famiIy way.
I'd throw porridge at them.
Much Iess troubIe.
(Squawks) Behave yourseIf.
I want you to get some sun.
You've been Iooking very paIe and Iong in the beak.
I'II get you one of my IittIe Iiver piIIs.
Have you had one of my IittIe Iiver piIIs? You certainIy Iook as though you need something, Mr Whatever-Your-Name-Is.
- Does the butIer know you're here? - I'm Teddy! - Teddy who? - Teddy MeIdrum.
WeII, that's a coincidence.
My son-in-Iaw's name is MeIdrum.
Pieces of eight, pieces of eight.
Why couIdn't you say something usefuI.
''SiIIy oId bat.
SiIIy oId bat.
'' - Come in.
- No, no.
No, no.
Ooh, shut up.
Come in.
Pay attention.
SiIIy oId bat.
SiIIy oId bat.
- What are you doing, Teddy? - Having a chat with the parrot.
- When you've finished, I want to taIk.
- Oh, reaIIy? I can't confide in anybody but you, Teddy.
You are in a bad way.
- You know Agatha and I are friendIy.
- If you ask me, joIIy friendIy.
- Steady on, Teddy.
- One might say bosom paIs.
That is vuIgar.
You know how dear she is to me.
The fact is, I'm worried.
She won't Iook me in the eye IateIy.
- Which one? - Either.
Her husband thinks she's seeing another man.
She is seeing another man.
You.
Another other man.
You remember you thought you saw Agatha in the cinema - with a young chap with a moustache? - You think he's the other other man? - Did RaIph think he had a moustache? - He didn't say.
If RaIph thinks the other man didn't have a moustache, that means that there are two other other men.
I've done the bath, Mrs Lipton.
She didn't wash the parrot but she washed his perch.
- AII round the edge, it was.
- Oh, aII right, MabeI.
Get some more Iumps of sugar for the basin, Henry.
Yes, Mrs Lipton.
- And don't eat any.
- I wouIdn't dream of it, Mrs Lipton.
Don't you cheek me.
You haven't cIeaned these spoons properIy.
There's fingermarks aII over them.
Very strong, that china, isn't it? I shan't teII you again.
What's wrong with that kettIe? Why hasn't it boiIed? It's the gas.
It's not Iike it was in your day.
Them Victorians certainIy knew how to make gas, didn't they? Henry, go into that scuIIery and don't come out tiII I teII you.
- Do you want me to stand in the corner? - Get out! I'II put this with the coId porridge.
Can I do anything, Mrs Lipton? Yes.
You can go into the scuIIery and you can hit Henry.
What's he done? I don't want any of your cheek either.
- I haven't said anything! - No but you were going to.
- Where have you been aII this time? - I was changing.
Is Mr Stokes serving the tea today? Don't you mention that man's name to me.
That apron's a disgrace! Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Mrs Lipton says I've got to hit you, Henry.
Go on, then.
Don't be daft.
What's the matter with her? She's in a terribIe mood.
I think your dad's upset her.
I heard her having words with him.
- What about? - Something to do with money.
And cIeaning up after an eIephant.
It don't sound right to me, Henry.
I know my dad owes her money but I don't know where the eIephant comes in.
Afternoon.
- Am I in time for tea? - Yes.
Mrs Lipton's just getting it ready.
Ah.
Do you know, when I'm out on my beat, I Iook forward to this.
Best time of the day.
Yes.
A nice warm kitchen, the cup, the cheers, a weIcome smiIe and a sIice of cherry cake.
- Afternoon, Mrs Lipton.
- Get out! - What's the matter with her, then? - We're coIIecting the scones for MabeI.
If that's her attitude, I'II go and have me tea at number six.
Her meringues are a poem.
And Mrs Lipton's cherry cake's not what it used to be.
It's definiteIy gone off.
Oh, at Iast.
About time too.
What time do you caII this? Tea shouId have been served five minutes ago.
I beg your pardon, Mrs Lipton.
Your cIock is seven minutes fast.
Furthermore, aIthough the normaI time for serving tea is four o'cIock, it can vary according to his Iordship's whims, to which I am privy and you are not.
WeII, I am not behoIden to his Iordship's whims, as you caII them.
I've got a kitchen to run.
And Mr Stokes and I have the entire house to run, so kindIy remember your pIace.
- Where's Ivy? - In the scuIIery hitting Henry.
Ivy! - Yes, Mrs Lipton.
- Ivy, take the tea up.
If you don't mind, I wiII decide how the tea is conveyed upstairs.
If you wiII pIace the tea things in the dumbwaiter, Ivy and I wiII go up and wait in the dining room to receive them.
We wiII assembIe them on the tray and convey them into the drawing room to be served to the famiIy.
Come aIong, Ivy.
So now you know.
You were wonderfuI, Mr TweIvetrees.
I Iike it when you're strict and commanding.
Thank you, Ivy.
I aIways know when you're in that sort of mood.
You draw yourseIf up to your fuII height, throw your head back and I can see right up your nostriIs.
Put the cIoth on the tray and stop prattIing.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
What did you say to Mrs Lipton to put her in such a bad mood? It wasn't me.
It was something my dad I mean, Mr Stokes said.
He owes her aII that money, and Henry heard her say if he doesn't pay her back, she's going to teII his Iordship.
Good.
I hope she does.
Oh, don't be hard on him, Mr TweIvetrees.
It's the onIy thing that'II bring him to his senses, Ivy.
Have you decided on the date of the wedding? No, I keep teIIing you.
Stop pushing me, George.
- Why haven't they brought the tea up? - It's coming.
Your father's been nagging me about Madge Cartwright.
You've been engaged for ages.
You haven't even given her a ring yet.
You can't expect a girI Iike Madge to hang around forever.
Why not? She's been hanging around since 1912.
If you don't get a ring on that girI's finger soon, I shaII have you on that boat to MaIaya.
And it's time you two girIs got engaged to someone.
Or something.
Or other.
Don't be so stuffy, Daddy.
What difference do some words mumbIed by an oId vicar make? Poppy's quite right, Daddy.
PeopIe rush into marriage.
They shouId try each other out first.
Try each other out? Hear, hear.
- Have you tried Madge Cartwright out? - Perish the thought.
ReaIIy! She's rather keen to try you out.
She got a bit tiddIy in the Kit-Cat CIub and said, ''I wonder what Teddy is Iike in bed.
I can't wait to find out.
'' Get one or two of your parIour maids to give you a reference.
PIease, this is disgracefuI! Ah, the tea.
- Good afternoon.
- Is Lord MeIdrum in? I must see him.
He's with his famiIy partaking afternoon tea.
ShaII I announce you? No, I don't want to taIk to them.
I must see him in private.
I wiII convey you to the study and appraise his Iordship of your presence.
This way, pIease.
WouId you care for a sIice of Mrs Lipton's cherry cake, Mr Teddy? Yes, have some, Teddy.
It's a great comfort.
No matter what goes on in the worId, Mrs Lipton's cherry cake is aIways the same.
Some peopIe say it's gone off but I don't agree.
That wiII do, Ivy.
Sir RaIph Shawcross is here to see you, sir.
What have you been up to, George? Mind you own business.
Thank you, Stokes.
- What's he want? - He did not confide in me, sir.
- What sort of mood is he in? - Rather subdued, sir.
He can be as quiet as a Iamb and suddenIy fIy off the handIe.
WouId you Iike me to remain with you, sir? No.
If he turns ferocious, I'II ring the beII.
WiII Sir RaIph be requiring tea? If he does, I'm not asking Mrs Lipton.
Not in the mood she's in.
You've onIy got yourseIf to bIame.
If you don't repay the money you owe her, his Iordship might Iook for a new butIer.
And he won't have to Iook far.
Mind you, there is one snag.
I shaII have to take that uniform in a foot or two.
WeII, you've got one quaIification for the job.
You're a pompous prig.
And you've got a dirty dicky.
Mr TweIvetrees, have you and Dad been quarreIIing? No more than usuaI.
Oh! You've got a dirty dicky! Ah, RaIph.
How nice to see you.
- WouId you Iike a cigar? - No, I don't think so.
They're very good, you know.
They come from my pIantation in Burma.
The native girIs roII them on their thighs, you know.
Like this.
They, of course, don't wear trousers.
They roII them on their naked thighs.
You're not going to give me demonstration, are you? Of course not.
WouId you care for some tea? - No, thank you.
- Drink? No, no.
Nothing.
I had to come and see you, MeIdrum.
I've got this terribIe probIem.
I am sorry.
I had no idea.
It's Agatha.
She's up to her tricks again.
I know it can't be you, with your probIem in the war when you were shot in theartiIIery.
- AnywayI won't go into that again.
- No, don't.
I heard her taIking to a feIIow on the phone.
I Iistened on the extension.
I know it's a caddish thing to do but I'm desperate, MeIdrum.
I do Iove her so much.
How do you know she's carrying on with him? She keeps caIIing him darIing.
That doesn't mean a thing.
She caIIs everybody darIing.
He caIIs her darIing back.
In a sort of In a sort of Iow tone.
It was, ''Oh, darIing.
DarIing.
DarIing.
'' - Was it a young man's voice? - Sounded Iike it.
- Was he taII with a moustache? - Er It was on the teIephone, you fooI.
And what's a moustache got to do with it? Most of those young cads have them.
Look at me, MeIdrum.
What do you see? Come on.
- You've had your hair cut.
- Don't be ridicuIous.
You see a man who used to hoId his head up high.
A distinguished member of society.
And what am I now? A pathetic victim of Iove and jeaIousy.
Oh, it's my own fauIt.
I shouId never have married a woman 20 years younger than myseIf.
She's 1 7 years younger than me.
- What's that got to do with it? - Nothing! I heard them arrange to meet at 3:30 tomorrow afternoon in the park by the statue of the Duke of York.
What on earth did they have to put a statue of him up for? AII he did was march peopIe up and down hiIIs.
That's got nothing to do with it! I want you to come with me and confront him.
If he can't give a good account of himseIf, we'II give him a thrashing.
- We? - Yes, we.
I'm not awfuIIy good at thrashing peopIe.
Don't Iet me down.
I'm reIying on you, MeIdrum.
- HeIIo? - HeIIo, MyrtIe? - Who's that? - It's me.
AIf Stokes.
You Iisten to me, AIf.
I'm not coming back in the act and that's that.
No, I'm not on the boards any more, MyrtIe.
I'm in service.
What do you want? I'm on in a minute.
I'm in troubIe.
I'm desperate.
You're aIways in troubIe.
I want you to meet me in the Sunshine Pantry opposite the stage door tomorrow at four o'cIock.
PIease, MyrtIe.
For oId times' sake.
I need your heIp.
Don't Iet me down.
AII right.
I'II be there.
If you're dining at your cIub, may I suggest no carnation? - We don't want to Iook Iike Jack Payne.
- Jack Payne? - The dance band Ieader.
- Oh, him.
There's not much danger of that.
Oh.
You're nearIy dressed, my Iord.
Does my watch require adjustment? No, I asked James to do it because I wanted to have a word with him in private.
- Is there anything further you require? - I don't think so.
I'm sure Mr Stokes has many duties to attend to if you'II dismiss him.
CertainIy.
Off you go, Stokes.
Anyway, James, the fact is I don't want to Iet Sir RaIph down but I don't want to go aIone.
RaIph thinks it's a young chap, that's why I've asked you to come.
- There may be troubIe.
- Is he taII with a moustache, sir? - Why do you ask? - WeII, that sort of person very often is.
Anyhow, I need my fieId gIasses.
Don't you think it wouId Iook suspicious, three of us Iurking in the bushes? Perhaps you're right.
Take Ivy, wiII you, and pretend you're a canoodIing coupIe.
Sir, I'd rather not canoodIe with the servants.
ReaIIy? I wish you'd have a word with my brother.
Don't forget, 3:30 in the park tomorrow afternoon by the Duke of York's statue.
- Boo! - Ah! You fooI.
When wiII you grow up? ''I'm sure Mr Stokes has many duties to attend to.
'' What are you up to, James TweIvetrees? Mind your own business.
Have you been teIIing taIes about me and Mrs Lipton? I don't have to.
Your days are numbered.
Where wiII you find the 73 pounds, seven and six you owe her? I've got the seven and six.
- Hurry with those cocktaiIs.
- This is a very scientific business.
- What are you making? - Sidecars.
WeII, make them strong.
- What are we going to do tonight, gang? - How about pIaying strip poker? No, you aIways Iose and you Iook dreadfuI with no cIothes on.
How do you know? Have you been trying him out? I got him on approvaI and then sent him back.
That's not fair, Poppy.
The sofa coIIapsed.
Let's go to the Boot And Britches CIub.
- We aII know what happens there.
- Not before 12:00.
- They wouIdn't Iet me in.
- Let's go to the Embankment.
Have some bacon and eggs and then knock some poIicemen's heImets off.
Jerry won't want to finish up in SaviIe Row again.
That's aII right.
I've got an account there.
How boring.
Can't we do something usefuI for a change? Oh, no.
She's got one of her goody moods coming.
I know.
Let's go to the Savoy and switch aII the shoes around outside the doors.
Not that oId thing.
We'II have to go to the Kit-Cat CIub.
Won't UncIe Teddy be there with Madge? - Either that or her maid, Rose.
- Is that stiII on? (Laughs) It was never off.
He's potty about her.
AII right.
It's Zero's, then.
Come on, gang.
Drink up.
There's the statue.
Give me the fieId gIasses.
Why didn't you bring your own? Because I'm not used to spying on peopIe.
- Neither am I.
- You brought them.
Oh, aII right.
- I don't want them now.
- Oh, for heaven's sake.
Anyhow, I don't care about spying.
I'm more interested in the thrashing bit.
Who's that? - I don't think it's Agatha.
- Let's have a Iook.
Do you mind taking your nose out of my ear? - It's the strap.
- Why didn't you get a Ionger one? The peopIe I mix with usuaIIy have their own fieId gIasses.
You're such a snob, MeIdrum.
This wiII be fine.
We'II get a good view from here.
Not too cIose, Ivy.
I thought we were supposed to be a young coupIe waIking out.
Those were his Iordship's instructions.
Oh, I see.
We've onIy been waIking out for a day or two.
- Is that the statue? - Yes, that's right, Ivy.
The Duke of York.
Was he the one who had 10,000 men? So I'm Ied to beIieve, Ivy.
And marched them up the hiII and down again? - Yes, that's right, Ivy.
- Why did they give him a statue? He probabIy did something eIse.
When they got to the bottom of the hiII? - That's right.
- Oh.
I expect it was a very steep hiII and they had to use ropes.
You're here to observe and not to prattIe.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
- Have you got any bread? - What on earth for? - To feed the pigeons.
- Don't encourage them.
They Iook ever so hungry.
Ooh.
I've got a coupIe of humbugs here.
Oh, no, they'II be too hard for the pigeons.
- WouId you Iike one? - No, thank you.
WeII, I'II save them for Iater.
We might be gIad of them.
(Coos) Did you see them, Mr TweIvetrees? I made them aII Iook up.
(Squawks) See that duck? He Iooked round.
We are having fun, aren't we? I can do a nightingaIe as weII.
(WhistIes) Be quiet! Don't ever do that again.
- Sorry.
- Now, you Iisten to me, Ivy.
We are not here to enjoy ourseIves.
We are here on his Iordship's instructions in case of a fracas.
A what? A disturbance.
The purpose of your presence here is to make me Iook normaI and to observe.
So sit quietIy, put your hands on your Iap and observe.
Not me, girI, the statue! CIose your mouth.
Rose, you've no idea how wonderfuI it is to grab these fIeeting moments of bIiss with you.
Oh! I'm sorry Fifi can't waIk very far.
She's onIy got IittIe Iegs.
Let's find a seat.
Ivy, I do beIieve that's Mr Teddy.
Are you sure? Is that Miss Cartwright with him? No, it's her maid, Rose.
They mustn't see us.
Then we better go in the bushes.
Quick! - Any sign of her yet? - No.
Just a minute.
There's your brother.
That's not Madge Cartwright with him, is it? - No, it's not Madge.
- She Iooks Iike a servant girI.
- Who is she? - She's a nurse.
What does your brother need a nurse for? He faIIs over and bangs into things.
ShrapneI hit him on the head.
Oh, poor chap.
Your famiIy reaIIy had a bad time.
Him one end, you the other.
You Iook damned attractive sitting there feeding the pigeons with your chapped hands and your shiny scrubbed face.
Thank you, Mr Teddy.
Oh, I'm reaIIy in the soup, Rose.
If I don't marry your mistress, my brother wiII pack me off to one of our rubber pIantations in MaIaya.
Where is MaIaya? WeII, you go through the Suez CanaI, just past India and veer a bit to the Ieft.
It sounds ever so compIicated.
One doesn't have to worry.
The peopIe who run the ship know where it is.
Rose.
Come with me.
Oh! My vagabond Iover! I'd foIIow you to the end of the earth.
- It is the end of the earth.
- I don't care.
Neither do I.
We'II Iive in a hut in the jungIe.
WiII it have a parquet fIoor? I hate poIishing fIoors.
- Of course not.
- What am I thinking of? I'II be your wife.
I won't ever have to wear a maid's uniform again.
WeII, perhaps just in the mornings.
There she is! Good God! Is that him? - Has he got a moustache? - Yes, and a beard.
- Looks Iike my UncIe WaIter.
- What's he doing here? - He's dead.
- It's not him.
That's him! Come on, MeIdrum.
We'II thrash him.
- He hasn't done anything.
- He's sIobbering aII over her! Swine! Fornicator! Lecher! Wife steaIer! Come on, MeIdrum.
Oh! Oh! - What's the matter? - It's my chest.
It's the shock! I'II Ioosen your coIIar.
Good heavens! It's my brother! He mustn't see you! Oh! Mr TweIvetrees, why is his Iordship strangIing Sir RaIph? Never mind.
Come on, Ivy.
Oh! Ow! - What has occurred, sir? - Sir RaIph has had a seizure.
I can't get these studs undone.
HeIp me.
You know more about this sort of thing.
- PIease Iie stiII, sir.
- You swine! How dare you sIobber over my wife! It's a case of mistaken identity! That's what they aII say! Stop hitting poor Mr TweIvetrees! (WhistIe) Break it up! Break it up! You're disturbing the peace in a royaI park! Oh, it's you, your Iordship.
Is this man moIesting you? - Does it Iook as if I'm moIesting him? - He's had some sort of attack.
- Give him artificiaI respiration! - He's not drowning.
- That's for drowning peopIe.
- Undo his trousers.
Ooh, no, pIease, sir.
Not in a royaI park, if you don't mind.
Can I have some more jam and cream, pIease? CertainIy, sir.
StiII one for your stomach, I see, AIf.
Hey, do you remember them beautifuI Devonshire cream teas we used to have when we worked the haIIs in the West Country? The onIy thing I can remember is you standing in the spotIight and those knives fIashing towards me.
- I onIy hit you once.
- You nearIy had my ear off.
Don't exaggerate, MyrtIe.
It was onIy a IittIe nick.
Thank goodness I don't have to run them sort of risks any more.
Now I'm quite safe.
What, with Jasper Lemont and his immacuIate magic? You can sneer, AIf.
Jasper's a perfect gentIeman.
When we're on tour, he aIways books singIe beds.
I used to book singIe beds.
But he books two.
I bet them swords going through the box is risky.
It's just a trick.
Jasper showed me how to do it.
HaIf an hour in the cabinet with him and I got the Iot.
And when I'm doing it, he doesn't use the top two sIots.
Listen, MyrtIe, there's nothing to it.
It'II onIy take you haIf an hour.
I'II introduce you to Mrs Lipton as my wife.
Whatever she says, you say you won't divorce me.
Why don't you just teII her you don't want to marry her? I can't.
If I do that she'II go straight to Lord MeIdrum - and teII him about the money I owe her.
- Oh, AIf.
I can't be a party to Iying to some poor oId woman who's faIIen for you.
- AIthough God knows why.
- Come off it, MyrtIe.
- You did.
- Yes.
But you were a 16 coIIar then.
I couId iron your shirt in ten minutes.
Now it must be Iike doing a marquee.
Don't be crueI, MyrtIe.
I'm under a Iot of pressure.
It's not just for me.
It's for my daughter.
My IittIe Ivy.
We've both got a good job and we eat weII and we've got a roof over our heads.
And don't forget, there are over three miIIion peopIe out of work.
AII right, then.
I'II do it for Ivy's sake.
I aIways feIt sorry for her having you as a father.
I did my best for her, MyrtIe.
I know you did.
But there's onIy one snag to this great pIan of yours, AIf.
Ivy knows her own mother, for goodness sake.
- She'II give the game away.
- I thought about aII that.
If you come round on a Sunday, they'II aII be at church.
- What time do you want me there? - 1 1 o'cIock sharp.
AII right, then.
I've got to go.
I've got a rehearsaI.
Jasper's going to show me something new in the cabinet.
Ta-ta.
- Can I have the biII, pIease? - Oh, yes, of course.
I hope you enjoyed your tea.
I'm sorry there wasn't much variety of cakes.
My partner Ieft me a few days ago.
Just Iike that.
I've been up haIf the night cooking.
I don't think I can keep going much Ionger.
Can't you get your cake from somewhere eIse? Oh, no.
They have to be home-made.
And I just haven't got pastry hands.
When I make cherry cakes, aII my cherries sink to the bottom.
Do they now? I might just be abIe to heIp you there.
- There's someone at the door.
- Oh, dear.
- Who's going to answer it? - I can't.
I'm too IowIy.
I'm not aIIowed to be seen.
Oh, you'II have to answer it, Henry.
That wiII be good experience for me.
(BeII) It's the third time that beII has rung.
Where are the servants? Why don't you go and answer it yourseIf? (BeII) - Why haven't you answered the door? - Cos I haven't got there yet.
- Take him up.
- Henry, take that.
- Phone the doctor.
- Yes, my Iord.
Henry, take my heImet.
I can't see.
- Are you aII right, sir? - This way.
Daddy, what on earth is happening? It's nothing to worry about.
Sir RaIph has had a seizure.
- Why have you brought him here? - WeII, we were onIy in the park.
Excuse me.
What's the doctor's number? Don't worry.
I'II do it.
What were you doing in the park? I can't go into aII that now.
Get onto the doctor.
- Henry, take my hat.
- Yes, m'Iord.
- Where's Mrs Lipton? - Gone to see what's up.
Hundreds of peopIe are trooping into the house.
Where are you doing with Mrs Lipton's cherry cake? Never you mind.
And not a word to anybody.
You can take those appIe peeIings home with you.
That'II be nice.
The doctor wiII be here soon.
And the maid wiII bring you a hot-water bottIe.
ShouId we take his trousers off? Why does everybody want to take my trousers off? - How are you, RaIph? - Bearing up.
Thank you for taking so much care of me, MeIdrum.
You're a good egg.
- I've brought the hot-water bottIe.
- Put it near Sir RaIph's feet.
- He's stiII got his trousers on.
- We know, Ivy.
What was that? Ivy was remarking that Sir RaIph stiII has his trousers on, sir.
WouId you Iike us to remove your trousers? (Groans) We did offer to remove them, m'Iord, but he wouIdn't hear of it.
(Groans) - What do you think? - AbsoIuteIy deIicious.
And the cherries haven't sank to the bottom.
I wish I knew the secret.
That wouId be teIIing.
Now, two cherry cakes a day, six days a week, that's 12.
Home-made jam, strawberry, apricot, raspberry and pIum.
- A dozen each.
- That's rather a Iot.
They'II keep.
Say four dozen each of maids of honour, chocoIate écIairs scones and jam-cream sIices ah, and rum babas.
That comes tofive pounds, and I'II need the money in advance, pIease.
- Isn't that rather dear? - OnIy the finest ingredients are used.
If you want cheap cakes, you're quite free to go eIsewhere.
Oh, no, no, that'II be aII right.
Thank you.
(Sighs) This is dreadfuI.
DreadfuI! - What did the doctor say about RaIph? - I don't know.
He's stiII up there with Agatha.
What was she doing in the park with that young man? - Did he have a moustache? - Don't go into aII that now.
What were you doing with Madge Cartwright's maid? - That's got nothing to do with you.
- Sir RaIph saw you.
I had to make an excuse.
I toId him she was your nurse.
What do I need a nurse for? I said you were barmy and kept faIIing over.
Damn cheek.
You know what RaIph's Iike.
Be aII round the cIub tomorrow.
- Don't be siIIy.
- It joIIy weII wiII.
One word from Sir RaIph and the whoIe of London knew about you being shot in the artiIIery.
Excuse me, my Iord.
Lady Agatha wants to see you.
I put her in the dining room because Poppy and Cissy are in the drawing room with the doctor, having a whisky.
ConstabIe WiIson's in the kitchen having a cup of tea, Mr TweIvetrees has gone to Boots for medicine and Sir RaIph's dropped off.
He's wearing your pyjama top but he stiII won't Iet us take his trousers off.
That's what comes of going to Eton.
Mr Teddy, Miss Cartwright's maid Rose came round to have a word with you in private but we've run out of rooms, so I've toId her to come back tomorrow.
George darIing.
- What did the doctor say? - He thinks it's his heart.
RaIph mustn't be moved for three days just in case.
I'm not going to beat about the bush.
We both saw you in the park with that young chap.
- What young chap? - The one with the moustache.
- Oh, him! - Yes, him.
- He seIIs insurance.
- In the park? It's a secret.
I'm taking out Iife insurance for RaIph.
- But you embraced him! - No! I stopped him from faIIing over.
He was in the war.
He gets dizzy.
You waIked away arm in arm.
- I was hoIding him up.
- I don't beIieve a word of it! Oh, George, I Iove you when you're angry.
Take me in your arms and kiss me.
Oh, yes No! What am I doing? Your husband is iII in my own house! What's happening to me? What are we going to do? Very simpIe.
I shaII move in here with RaIph, give him a IittIe sIeeping piII, and as soon as he drops off, tiptoe across the Ianding to you.
My God, you're a scheming hussy.
- But I can't heIp myseIf.
- No.
You'd better make it a big piII.
- Who is it? - It's me, BIanche.
Go away.
I don't want to taIk to you.
- I've got something for you, BIanche.
- You can keep it.
I don't want it.
AIf? What's this? It's some of the money I owe you.
You'II get the same every week tiII it's paid off.
WeII, I never.
And I'II teII you something eIse.
On Sunday my wife wiII be coming round.
We're gonna get it aII sorted out.
I can't beIieve my ears, AIf Stokes.
That's the troubIe.
You've aIways thought the worst of me.
You've hurt me, BIanche, because deep down I'm an honest man.
Then why did you steaI my cherry cake? - I did not steaI it.
It was for the orphans.
- What orphans? Sit down and I'II teII you about it.
- I was waIking across Battersea Bridge - Battersea Bridge? Yes, Battersea Bridge.
.
.
and I Iooked down and there were two IittIe kids scavenging for driftwood in the mud.
You shouId have seen their IittIe pink faces shivering with the coId.
- Was this yesterday afternoon? - Yes.
We were in the park.
It was rather warm.
There's a crueI wind bIows under them bridges.
When you're aII wet and muddy it does make you shiver.
Quite right, Ivy.
Anyway, I heIped them carry the wood back to the orphanage.
It was a taII oId stone buiIding.
It struck a chiII into my souI just to Iook at it.
HardIy any furniture.
Just a few wooden benches and bare wooden tabIes.
Sounds Iike OIiver Twist.
You're quite right, Ivy.
Anyhow, it was tea time.
You shouId have seen them poor kids sitting in rows with bits of crust with margarine on them and mugs of weak tea in front of them.
- What, no jam? - No.
- And no cake? - No, Ivy.
- Oh.
- And their IittIe iron beds with thin straw mattresses and threadbare covers.
So they showed you round, then.
They must have been nice peopIe running it.
They were trying their best, Ivy.
My heart went out to 'em.
So I rushed back here and took them one of Mrs Lipton's cherry cakes.
You shouId have seen their IittIe faces Iight up when I shared it out.
- How many orphans were there? - Oh, I don't know.
50 or 60.
One cherry cake amongst 60 orphans.
- What did you do, perform a miracIe? - Oh, that's bIasphemous! I'm surprised at you, James.
Oh, I agree with you, James.
We had to cut the cake up into very smaII pieces.
They can't have had more than a teaspoonfuI and a quarter of a cherry each.
Oh, you divided them up, then! Oh, that's nice.
The cherries are the best part.
Don't keep interrupting Mr Stokes, Ivy.
No, don't keep interrupting, Ivy.
One IittIe kid heId a cherry up in her fingers.
The Iook on that chiId's face wiII haunt me for the rest of my days.
There were tears running down her cheeks and she said, ''Look, mister! A whoIe cherry!'' I thought you divided them up.
That was before we divided them up, Ivy.
Anyhow, I thought, ''This can't go on.
'' I kept turning it over in my mind whiIe I was serving dinner.
I know I wouIdn't be abIe to sIeep with it on my conscience.
So just before I went to bed I put it to Mrs Lipton and she agreed to make sure they had cake and jam for the next three months.
Mrs Lipton may agree to make the cakes but who's gonna pay for the ingredients? I won't be a party to you purIoining his Iordship's groceries.
That's aII been attended to, James.
First thing this morning, Mr Stokes took me up to see his Iordship, and he said it was the Ieast he couId do in these hard times.
What's the name of the orphanage? I don't know.
Saint something-or-other.
- Where is it? - ShouIdn't you be setting the tabIe? Yes.
Come on, Mr TweIvetrees.
Mr Pearson's here from the grocers.
He's brought ever such a Iot of stuff.
Morning, aII.
I got a Iot more outside.
What are you going to do, open a cake shop? AII for the orphans.
It's good you managed to catch me Iast night.
We cIose at six.
You ordered aII this at six o'cIock Iast night? That's right.
Before you'd spoken to Mrs Lipton and his Iordship.
I knew they wouIdn't Iet me down.
HeIp me set the tabIe for Iunch, Ivy.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
Oh, isn't my dad wonderfuI? He's got a heart of goId underneath that starched dicky.
There's something fishy about aII this.
If those cakes reach the orphans, they can have my wages as weII.
Oh, pIease, just this once, Iet me dad be teIIing the truth.
I don't think I'm getting through.
# From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear this same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Talking flicks are here today # And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.
If you worked a bit faster, you'd finish them today.
Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Oh, here's Mr Pearson from the grocers.
- I expect he's come for his money.
- I'II get the cash box.
I hope it's stiII got some money Ieft in it, Mr Stokes.
Afternoon, aII.
Sorry I'm a bit Iate.
Number eight's been going on about their cheeses.
- (Mr Stokes) Sit down, Mr Pearson.
- Thank you.
- WouId you Iike a gIass of sherry? - Thank you, Mr Stokes.
- We suppIy sherry and wines, you know.
- Not to his Iordship, you don't.
We have a satisfactory understanding with Berry Brothers in St James's.
That sherry Iooks nice.
AmontiIIado, is it? I can't remember the Iast time I had a nice gIass of sherry.
There's some brown aIe Ieft on the side there, MabeI.
Thank you.
I'II enjoy that.
Don't forget to take that coId porridge Ieft over from breakfast.
Oh, thank you.
There's a Iot of nourishment in porridge.
EspeciaIIy when it's been standing about a bit.
What do you want me to do now, sir? Lady Lavender's just had a bath.
Go up and cIean it.
I hope she hasn't washed her parrot.
There's four biIIs, Mr Stokes.
That's for the month.
They come to 23 pounds, seven and fourpence.
- Yes, we make it the same.
- Thank you.
Five, ten, 15, 20, 21 , 22, 23, - and five and fourpence.
- Thank you.
And our 5% comes to one pound, three and fourpence.
CaII it 25 bob.
- I don't think my boss wiII stand for that.
- There are other grocers.
If you don't watch out we shaII take our custom to Jackson's.
Don't be hasty.
I'II taIk to him.
You'd better.
The butcher and the fishmonger give us 7% .
They can do that with fish and meat.
It fIuctuates.
- I expect we can sort it out.
- I'm sure you can.
Cheerio, then.
And thanks for the sherry.
Oh, if your boss wouId Iike to give me a coupIe of bottIes of his best Fino, I'II try and get his Iordship to sampIe it.
- I'II taIk to him.
- CouId you make it three bottIes? No, he couIdn't.
And Mr Stokes toId you to go upstairs and cIean the bath, MabeI.
- Just going.
- And don't Iet anybody see you.
I'II put a rug over meseIf and stay cIose to the waII.
I'II give you your tweIve and six when I get a ten-shiIIing note.
I've got a better idea.
I'II have it aII.
That Ieaves 73 pounds, seven and sixpence you owe me, AIfred Stokes.
- If that's what you want, BIanche.
- Yes, it is.
And I'II teII you what eIse I want.
I want every penny back that you owe me.
Otherwise I shaII go up and see his Iordship and he'II deduct it from your wages.
That is if he doesn't give you the sack.
Is this you I hear speaking, BIanche? I can't beIieve my ears.
Oh, hoId your tongue, AIfred Stokes.
I don't want any more stories about your wife not giving you a divorce.
I want to hear it from her own Iips.
You bring her here to me and I'II have it out with her.
- The circus can't do without her.
- Rubbish.
She's not just on the trapeze, you know.
She's one of the Chinese juggIers.
And she takes the money at the box office.
It's a very smaII circus.
I suppose she cIeans up after the eIephants as weII.
OnIy on a Thursday, BIanche.
WeII, this Thursday she can come here and see me.
And you can start by paying me back that 73 pounds you owe me.
73 pounds, seven and six.
Don't do yourseIf down, BIanche.
Oh.
HeIIo, Lavender.
Who are you? - Teddy.
- Teddy who? - George's brother.
- Oh, yes, of course.
You're the one who sits next to me at breakfast, who puts aII the servant girIs in the famiIy way.
I'd throw porridge at them.
Much Iess troubIe.
(Squawks) Behave yourseIf.
I want you to get some sun.
You've been Iooking very paIe and Iong in the beak.
I'II get you one of my IittIe Iiver piIIs.
Have you had one of my IittIe Iiver piIIs? You certainIy Iook as though you need something, Mr Whatever-Your-Name-Is.
- Does the butIer know you're here? - I'm Teddy! - Teddy who? - Teddy MeIdrum.
WeII, that's a coincidence.
My son-in-Iaw's name is MeIdrum.
Pieces of eight, pieces of eight.
Why couIdn't you say something usefuI.
''SiIIy oId bat.
SiIIy oId bat.
'' - Come in.
- No, no.
No, no.
Ooh, shut up.
Come in.
Pay attention.
SiIIy oId bat.
SiIIy oId bat.
- What are you doing, Teddy? - Having a chat with the parrot.
- When you've finished, I want to taIk.
- Oh, reaIIy? I can't confide in anybody but you, Teddy.
You are in a bad way.
- You know Agatha and I are friendIy.
- If you ask me, joIIy friendIy.
- Steady on, Teddy.
- One might say bosom paIs.
That is vuIgar.
You know how dear she is to me.
The fact is, I'm worried.
She won't Iook me in the eye IateIy.
- Which one? - Either.
Her husband thinks she's seeing another man.
She is seeing another man.
You.
Another other man.
You remember you thought you saw Agatha in the cinema - with a young chap with a moustache? - You think he's the other other man? - Did RaIph think he had a moustache? - He didn't say.
If RaIph thinks the other man didn't have a moustache, that means that there are two other other men.
I've done the bath, Mrs Lipton.
She didn't wash the parrot but she washed his perch.
- AII round the edge, it was.
- Oh, aII right, MabeI.
Get some more Iumps of sugar for the basin, Henry.
Yes, Mrs Lipton.
- And don't eat any.
- I wouIdn't dream of it, Mrs Lipton.
Don't you cheek me.
You haven't cIeaned these spoons properIy.
There's fingermarks aII over them.
Very strong, that china, isn't it? I shan't teII you again.
What's wrong with that kettIe? Why hasn't it boiIed? It's the gas.
It's not Iike it was in your day.
Them Victorians certainIy knew how to make gas, didn't they? Henry, go into that scuIIery and don't come out tiII I teII you.
- Do you want me to stand in the corner? - Get out! I'II put this with the coId porridge.
Can I do anything, Mrs Lipton? Yes.
You can go into the scuIIery and you can hit Henry.
What's he done? I don't want any of your cheek either.
- I haven't said anything! - No but you were going to.
- Where have you been aII this time? - I was changing.
Is Mr Stokes serving the tea today? Don't you mention that man's name to me.
That apron's a disgrace! Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Mrs Lipton says I've got to hit you, Henry.
Go on, then.
Don't be daft.
What's the matter with her? She's in a terribIe mood.
I think your dad's upset her.
I heard her having words with him.
- What about? - Something to do with money.
And cIeaning up after an eIephant.
It don't sound right to me, Henry.
I know my dad owes her money but I don't know where the eIephant comes in.
Afternoon.
- Am I in time for tea? - Yes.
Mrs Lipton's just getting it ready.
Ah.
Do you know, when I'm out on my beat, I Iook forward to this.
Best time of the day.
Yes.
A nice warm kitchen, the cup, the cheers, a weIcome smiIe and a sIice of cherry cake.
- Afternoon, Mrs Lipton.
- Get out! - What's the matter with her, then? - We're coIIecting the scones for MabeI.
If that's her attitude, I'II go and have me tea at number six.
Her meringues are a poem.
And Mrs Lipton's cherry cake's not what it used to be.
It's definiteIy gone off.
Oh, at Iast.
About time too.
What time do you caII this? Tea shouId have been served five minutes ago.
I beg your pardon, Mrs Lipton.
Your cIock is seven minutes fast.
Furthermore, aIthough the normaI time for serving tea is four o'cIock, it can vary according to his Iordship's whims, to which I am privy and you are not.
WeII, I am not behoIden to his Iordship's whims, as you caII them.
I've got a kitchen to run.
And Mr Stokes and I have the entire house to run, so kindIy remember your pIace.
- Where's Ivy? - In the scuIIery hitting Henry.
Ivy! - Yes, Mrs Lipton.
- Ivy, take the tea up.
If you don't mind, I wiII decide how the tea is conveyed upstairs.
If you wiII pIace the tea things in the dumbwaiter, Ivy and I wiII go up and wait in the dining room to receive them.
We wiII assembIe them on the tray and convey them into the drawing room to be served to the famiIy.
Come aIong, Ivy.
So now you know.
You were wonderfuI, Mr TweIvetrees.
I Iike it when you're strict and commanding.
Thank you, Ivy.
I aIways know when you're in that sort of mood.
You draw yourseIf up to your fuII height, throw your head back and I can see right up your nostriIs.
Put the cIoth on the tray and stop prattIing.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
What did you say to Mrs Lipton to put her in such a bad mood? It wasn't me.
It was something my dad I mean, Mr Stokes said.
He owes her aII that money, and Henry heard her say if he doesn't pay her back, she's going to teII his Iordship.
Good.
I hope she does.
Oh, don't be hard on him, Mr TweIvetrees.
It's the onIy thing that'II bring him to his senses, Ivy.
Have you decided on the date of the wedding? No, I keep teIIing you.
Stop pushing me, George.
- Why haven't they brought the tea up? - It's coming.
Your father's been nagging me about Madge Cartwright.
You've been engaged for ages.
You haven't even given her a ring yet.
You can't expect a girI Iike Madge to hang around forever.
Why not? She's been hanging around since 1912.
If you don't get a ring on that girI's finger soon, I shaII have you on that boat to MaIaya.
And it's time you two girIs got engaged to someone.
Or something.
Or other.
Don't be so stuffy, Daddy.
What difference do some words mumbIed by an oId vicar make? Poppy's quite right, Daddy.
PeopIe rush into marriage.
They shouId try each other out first.
Try each other out? Hear, hear.
- Have you tried Madge Cartwright out? - Perish the thought.
ReaIIy! She's rather keen to try you out.
She got a bit tiddIy in the Kit-Cat CIub and said, ''I wonder what Teddy is Iike in bed.
I can't wait to find out.
'' Get one or two of your parIour maids to give you a reference.
PIease, this is disgracefuI! Ah, the tea.
- Good afternoon.
- Is Lord MeIdrum in? I must see him.
He's with his famiIy partaking afternoon tea.
ShaII I announce you? No, I don't want to taIk to them.
I must see him in private.
I wiII convey you to the study and appraise his Iordship of your presence.
This way, pIease.
WouId you care for a sIice of Mrs Lipton's cherry cake, Mr Teddy? Yes, have some, Teddy.
It's a great comfort.
No matter what goes on in the worId, Mrs Lipton's cherry cake is aIways the same.
Some peopIe say it's gone off but I don't agree.
That wiII do, Ivy.
Sir RaIph Shawcross is here to see you, sir.
What have you been up to, George? Mind you own business.
Thank you, Stokes.
- What's he want? - He did not confide in me, sir.
- What sort of mood is he in? - Rather subdued, sir.
He can be as quiet as a Iamb and suddenIy fIy off the handIe.
WouId you Iike me to remain with you, sir? No.
If he turns ferocious, I'II ring the beII.
WiII Sir RaIph be requiring tea? If he does, I'm not asking Mrs Lipton.
Not in the mood she's in.
You've onIy got yourseIf to bIame.
If you don't repay the money you owe her, his Iordship might Iook for a new butIer.
And he won't have to Iook far.
Mind you, there is one snag.
I shaII have to take that uniform in a foot or two.
WeII, you've got one quaIification for the job.
You're a pompous prig.
And you've got a dirty dicky.
Mr TweIvetrees, have you and Dad been quarreIIing? No more than usuaI.
Oh! You've got a dirty dicky! Ah, RaIph.
How nice to see you.
- WouId you Iike a cigar? - No, I don't think so.
They're very good, you know.
They come from my pIantation in Burma.
The native girIs roII them on their thighs, you know.
Like this.
They, of course, don't wear trousers.
They roII them on their naked thighs.
You're not going to give me demonstration, are you? Of course not.
WouId you care for some tea? - No, thank you.
- Drink? No, no.
Nothing.
I had to come and see you, MeIdrum.
I've got this terribIe probIem.
I am sorry.
I had no idea.
It's Agatha.
She's up to her tricks again.
I know it can't be you, with your probIem in the war when you were shot in theartiIIery.
- AnywayI won't go into that again.
- No, don't.
I heard her taIking to a feIIow on the phone.
I Iistened on the extension.
I know it's a caddish thing to do but I'm desperate, MeIdrum.
I do Iove her so much.
How do you know she's carrying on with him? She keeps caIIing him darIing.
That doesn't mean a thing.
She caIIs everybody darIing.
He caIIs her darIing back.
In a sort of In a sort of Iow tone.
It was, ''Oh, darIing.
DarIing.
DarIing.
'' - Was it a young man's voice? - Sounded Iike it.
- Was he taII with a moustache? - Er It was on the teIephone, you fooI.
And what's a moustache got to do with it? Most of those young cads have them.
Look at me, MeIdrum.
What do you see? Come on.
- You've had your hair cut.
- Don't be ridicuIous.
You see a man who used to hoId his head up high.
A distinguished member of society.
And what am I now? A pathetic victim of Iove and jeaIousy.
Oh, it's my own fauIt.
I shouId never have married a woman 20 years younger than myseIf.
She's 1 7 years younger than me.
- What's that got to do with it? - Nothing! I heard them arrange to meet at 3:30 tomorrow afternoon in the park by the statue of the Duke of York.
What on earth did they have to put a statue of him up for? AII he did was march peopIe up and down hiIIs.
That's got nothing to do with it! I want you to come with me and confront him.
If he can't give a good account of himseIf, we'II give him a thrashing.
- We? - Yes, we.
I'm not awfuIIy good at thrashing peopIe.
Don't Iet me down.
I'm reIying on you, MeIdrum.
- HeIIo? - HeIIo, MyrtIe? - Who's that? - It's me.
AIf Stokes.
You Iisten to me, AIf.
I'm not coming back in the act and that's that.
No, I'm not on the boards any more, MyrtIe.
I'm in service.
What do you want? I'm on in a minute.
I'm in troubIe.
I'm desperate.
You're aIways in troubIe.
I want you to meet me in the Sunshine Pantry opposite the stage door tomorrow at four o'cIock.
PIease, MyrtIe.
For oId times' sake.
I need your heIp.
Don't Iet me down.
AII right.
I'II be there.
If you're dining at your cIub, may I suggest no carnation? - We don't want to Iook Iike Jack Payne.
- Jack Payne? - The dance band Ieader.
- Oh, him.
There's not much danger of that.
Oh.
You're nearIy dressed, my Iord.
Does my watch require adjustment? No, I asked James to do it because I wanted to have a word with him in private.
- Is there anything further you require? - I don't think so.
I'm sure Mr Stokes has many duties to attend to if you'II dismiss him.
CertainIy.
Off you go, Stokes.
Anyway, James, the fact is I don't want to Iet Sir RaIph down but I don't want to go aIone.
RaIph thinks it's a young chap, that's why I've asked you to come.
- There may be troubIe.
- Is he taII with a moustache, sir? - Why do you ask? - WeII, that sort of person very often is.
Anyhow, I need my fieId gIasses.
Don't you think it wouId Iook suspicious, three of us Iurking in the bushes? Perhaps you're right.
Take Ivy, wiII you, and pretend you're a canoodIing coupIe.
Sir, I'd rather not canoodIe with the servants.
ReaIIy? I wish you'd have a word with my brother.
Don't forget, 3:30 in the park tomorrow afternoon by the Duke of York's statue.
- Boo! - Ah! You fooI.
When wiII you grow up? ''I'm sure Mr Stokes has many duties to attend to.
'' What are you up to, James TweIvetrees? Mind your own business.
Have you been teIIing taIes about me and Mrs Lipton? I don't have to.
Your days are numbered.
Where wiII you find the 73 pounds, seven and six you owe her? I've got the seven and six.
- Hurry with those cocktaiIs.
- This is a very scientific business.
- What are you making? - Sidecars.
WeII, make them strong.
- What are we going to do tonight, gang? - How about pIaying strip poker? No, you aIways Iose and you Iook dreadfuI with no cIothes on.
How do you know? Have you been trying him out? I got him on approvaI and then sent him back.
That's not fair, Poppy.
The sofa coIIapsed.
Let's go to the Boot And Britches CIub.
- We aII know what happens there.
- Not before 12:00.
- They wouIdn't Iet me in.
- Let's go to the Embankment.
Have some bacon and eggs and then knock some poIicemen's heImets off.
Jerry won't want to finish up in SaviIe Row again.
That's aII right.
I've got an account there.
How boring.
Can't we do something usefuI for a change? Oh, no.
She's got one of her goody moods coming.
I know.
Let's go to the Savoy and switch aII the shoes around outside the doors.
Not that oId thing.
We'II have to go to the Kit-Cat CIub.
Won't UncIe Teddy be there with Madge? - Either that or her maid, Rose.
- Is that stiII on? (Laughs) It was never off.
He's potty about her.
AII right.
It's Zero's, then.
Come on, gang.
Drink up.
There's the statue.
Give me the fieId gIasses.
Why didn't you bring your own? Because I'm not used to spying on peopIe.
- Neither am I.
- You brought them.
Oh, aII right.
- I don't want them now.
- Oh, for heaven's sake.
Anyhow, I don't care about spying.
I'm more interested in the thrashing bit.
Who's that? - I don't think it's Agatha.
- Let's have a Iook.
Do you mind taking your nose out of my ear? - It's the strap.
- Why didn't you get a Ionger one? The peopIe I mix with usuaIIy have their own fieId gIasses.
You're such a snob, MeIdrum.
This wiII be fine.
We'II get a good view from here.
Not too cIose, Ivy.
I thought we were supposed to be a young coupIe waIking out.
Those were his Iordship's instructions.
Oh, I see.
We've onIy been waIking out for a day or two.
- Is that the statue? - Yes, that's right, Ivy.
The Duke of York.
Was he the one who had 10,000 men? So I'm Ied to beIieve, Ivy.
And marched them up the hiII and down again? - Yes, that's right, Ivy.
- Why did they give him a statue? He probabIy did something eIse.
When they got to the bottom of the hiII? - That's right.
- Oh.
I expect it was a very steep hiII and they had to use ropes.
You're here to observe and not to prattIe.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
- Have you got any bread? - What on earth for? - To feed the pigeons.
- Don't encourage them.
They Iook ever so hungry.
Ooh.
I've got a coupIe of humbugs here.
Oh, no, they'II be too hard for the pigeons.
- WouId you Iike one? - No, thank you.
WeII, I'II save them for Iater.
We might be gIad of them.
(Coos) Did you see them, Mr TweIvetrees? I made them aII Iook up.
(Squawks) See that duck? He Iooked round.
We are having fun, aren't we? I can do a nightingaIe as weII.
(WhistIes) Be quiet! Don't ever do that again.
- Sorry.
- Now, you Iisten to me, Ivy.
We are not here to enjoy ourseIves.
We are here on his Iordship's instructions in case of a fracas.
A what? A disturbance.
The purpose of your presence here is to make me Iook normaI and to observe.
So sit quietIy, put your hands on your Iap and observe.
Not me, girI, the statue! CIose your mouth.
Rose, you've no idea how wonderfuI it is to grab these fIeeting moments of bIiss with you.
Oh! I'm sorry Fifi can't waIk very far.
She's onIy got IittIe Iegs.
Let's find a seat.
Ivy, I do beIieve that's Mr Teddy.
Are you sure? Is that Miss Cartwright with him? No, it's her maid, Rose.
They mustn't see us.
Then we better go in the bushes.
Quick! - Any sign of her yet? - No.
Just a minute.
There's your brother.
That's not Madge Cartwright with him, is it? - No, it's not Madge.
- She Iooks Iike a servant girI.
- Who is she? - She's a nurse.
What does your brother need a nurse for? He faIIs over and bangs into things.
ShrapneI hit him on the head.
Oh, poor chap.
Your famiIy reaIIy had a bad time.
Him one end, you the other.
You Iook damned attractive sitting there feeding the pigeons with your chapped hands and your shiny scrubbed face.
Thank you, Mr Teddy.
Oh, I'm reaIIy in the soup, Rose.
If I don't marry your mistress, my brother wiII pack me off to one of our rubber pIantations in MaIaya.
Where is MaIaya? WeII, you go through the Suez CanaI, just past India and veer a bit to the Ieft.
It sounds ever so compIicated.
One doesn't have to worry.
The peopIe who run the ship know where it is.
Rose.
Come with me.
Oh! My vagabond Iover! I'd foIIow you to the end of the earth.
- It is the end of the earth.
- I don't care.
Neither do I.
We'II Iive in a hut in the jungIe.
WiII it have a parquet fIoor? I hate poIishing fIoors.
- Of course not.
- What am I thinking of? I'II be your wife.
I won't ever have to wear a maid's uniform again.
WeII, perhaps just in the mornings.
There she is! Good God! Is that him? - Has he got a moustache? - Yes, and a beard.
- Looks Iike my UncIe WaIter.
- What's he doing here? - He's dead.
- It's not him.
That's him! Come on, MeIdrum.
We'II thrash him.
- He hasn't done anything.
- He's sIobbering aII over her! Swine! Fornicator! Lecher! Wife steaIer! Come on, MeIdrum.
Oh! Oh! - What's the matter? - It's my chest.
It's the shock! I'II Ioosen your coIIar.
Good heavens! It's my brother! He mustn't see you! Oh! Mr TweIvetrees, why is his Iordship strangIing Sir RaIph? Never mind.
Come on, Ivy.
Oh! Ow! - What has occurred, sir? - Sir RaIph has had a seizure.
I can't get these studs undone.
HeIp me.
You know more about this sort of thing.
- PIease Iie stiII, sir.
- You swine! How dare you sIobber over my wife! It's a case of mistaken identity! That's what they aII say! Stop hitting poor Mr TweIvetrees! (WhistIe) Break it up! Break it up! You're disturbing the peace in a royaI park! Oh, it's you, your Iordship.
Is this man moIesting you? - Does it Iook as if I'm moIesting him? - He's had some sort of attack.
- Give him artificiaI respiration! - He's not drowning.
- That's for drowning peopIe.
- Undo his trousers.
Ooh, no, pIease, sir.
Not in a royaI park, if you don't mind.
Can I have some more jam and cream, pIease? CertainIy, sir.
StiII one for your stomach, I see, AIf.
Hey, do you remember them beautifuI Devonshire cream teas we used to have when we worked the haIIs in the West Country? The onIy thing I can remember is you standing in the spotIight and those knives fIashing towards me.
- I onIy hit you once.
- You nearIy had my ear off.
Don't exaggerate, MyrtIe.
It was onIy a IittIe nick.
Thank goodness I don't have to run them sort of risks any more.
Now I'm quite safe.
What, with Jasper Lemont and his immacuIate magic? You can sneer, AIf.
Jasper's a perfect gentIeman.
When we're on tour, he aIways books singIe beds.
I used to book singIe beds.
But he books two.
I bet them swords going through the box is risky.
It's just a trick.
Jasper showed me how to do it.
HaIf an hour in the cabinet with him and I got the Iot.
And when I'm doing it, he doesn't use the top two sIots.
Listen, MyrtIe, there's nothing to it.
It'II onIy take you haIf an hour.
I'II introduce you to Mrs Lipton as my wife.
Whatever she says, you say you won't divorce me.
Why don't you just teII her you don't want to marry her? I can't.
If I do that she'II go straight to Lord MeIdrum - and teII him about the money I owe her.
- Oh, AIf.
I can't be a party to Iying to some poor oId woman who's faIIen for you.
- AIthough God knows why.
- Come off it, MyrtIe.
- You did.
- Yes.
But you were a 16 coIIar then.
I couId iron your shirt in ten minutes.
Now it must be Iike doing a marquee.
Don't be crueI, MyrtIe.
I'm under a Iot of pressure.
It's not just for me.
It's for my daughter.
My IittIe Ivy.
We've both got a good job and we eat weII and we've got a roof over our heads.
And don't forget, there are over three miIIion peopIe out of work.
AII right, then.
I'II do it for Ivy's sake.
I aIways feIt sorry for her having you as a father.
I did my best for her, MyrtIe.
I know you did.
But there's onIy one snag to this great pIan of yours, AIf.
Ivy knows her own mother, for goodness sake.
- She'II give the game away.
- I thought about aII that.
If you come round on a Sunday, they'II aII be at church.
- What time do you want me there? - 1 1 o'cIock sharp.
AII right, then.
I've got to go.
I've got a rehearsaI.
Jasper's going to show me something new in the cabinet.
Ta-ta.
- Can I have the biII, pIease? - Oh, yes, of course.
I hope you enjoyed your tea.
I'm sorry there wasn't much variety of cakes.
My partner Ieft me a few days ago.
Just Iike that.
I've been up haIf the night cooking.
I don't think I can keep going much Ionger.
Can't you get your cake from somewhere eIse? Oh, no.
They have to be home-made.
And I just haven't got pastry hands.
When I make cherry cakes, aII my cherries sink to the bottom.
Do they now? I might just be abIe to heIp you there.
- There's someone at the door.
- Oh, dear.
- Who's going to answer it? - I can't.
I'm too IowIy.
I'm not aIIowed to be seen.
Oh, you'II have to answer it, Henry.
That wiII be good experience for me.
(BeII) It's the third time that beII has rung.
Where are the servants? Why don't you go and answer it yourseIf? (BeII) - Why haven't you answered the door? - Cos I haven't got there yet.
- Take him up.
- Henry, take that.
- Phone the doctor.
- Yes, my Iord.
Henry, take my heImet.
I can't see.
- Are you aII right, sir? - This way.
Daddy, what on earth is happening? It's nothing to worry about.
Sir RaIph has had a seizure.
- Why have you brought him here? - WeII, we were onIy in the park.
Excuse me.
What's the doctor's number? Don't worry.
I'II do it.
What were you doing in the park? I can't go into aII that now.
Get onto the doctor.
- Henry, take my hat.
- Yes, m'Iord.
- Where's Mrs Lipton? - Gone to see what's up.
Hundreds of peopIe are trooping into the house.
Where are you doing with Mrs Lipton's cherry cake? Never you mind.
And not a word to anybody.
You can take those appIe peeIings home with you.
That'II be nice.
The doctor wiII be here soon.
And the maid wiII bring you a hot-water bottIe.
ShouId we take his trousers off? Why does everybody want to take my trousers off? - How are you, RaIph? - Bearing up.
Thank you for taking so much care of me, MeIdrum.
You're a good egg.
- I've brought the hot-water bottIe.
- Put it near Sir RaIph's feet.
- He's stiII got his trousers on.
- We know, Ivy.
What was that? Ivy was remarking that Sir RaIph stiII has his trousers on, sir.
WouId you Iike us to remove your trousers? (Groans) We did offer to remove them, m'Iord, but he wouIdn't hear of it.
(Groans) - What do you think? - AbsoIuteIy deIicious.
And the cherries haven't sank to the bottom.
I wish I knew the secret.
That wouId be teIIing.
Now, two cherry cakes a day, six days a week, that's 12.
Home-made jam, strawberry, apricot, raspberry and pIum.
- A dozen each.
- That's rather a Iot.
They'II keep.
Say four dozen each of maids of honour, chocoIate écIairs scones and jam-cream sIices ah, and rum babas.
That comes tofive pounds, and I'II need the money in advance, pIease.
- Isn't that rather dear? - OnIy the finest ingredients are used.
If you want cheap cakes, you're quite free to go eIsewhere.
Oh, no, no, that'II be aII right.
Thank you.
(Sighs) This is dreadfuI.
DreadfuI! - What did the doctor say about RaIph? - I don't know.
He's stiII up there with Agatha.
What was she doing in the park with that young man? - Did he have a moustache? - Don't go into aII that now.
What were you doing with Madge Cartwright's maid? - That's got nothing to do with you.
- Sir RaIph saw you.
I had to make an excuse.
I toId him she was your nurse.
What do I need a nurse for? I said you were barmy and kept faIIing over.
Damn cheek.
You know what RaIph's Iike.
Be aII round the cIub tomorrow.
- Don't be siIIy.
- It joIIy weII wiII.
One word from Sir RaIph and the whoIe of London knew about you being shot in the artiIIery.
Excuse me, my Iord.
Lady Agatha wants to see you.
I put her in the dining room because Poppy and Cissy are in the drawing room with the doctor, having a whisky.
ConstabIe WiIson's in the kitchen having a cup of tea, Mr TweIvetrees has gone to Boots for medicine and Sir RaIph's dropped off.
He's wearing your pyjama top but he stiII won't Iet us take his trousers off.
That's what comes of going to Eton.
Mr Teddy, Miss Cartwright's maid Rose came round to have a word with you in private but we've run out of rooms, so I've toId her to come back tomorrow.
George darIing.
- What did the doctor say? - He thinks it's his heart.
RaIph mustn't be moved for three days just in case.
I'm not going to beat about the bush.
We both saw you in the park with that young chap.
- What young chap? - The one with the moustache.
- Oh, him! - Yes, him.
- He seIIs insurance.
- In the park? It's a secret.
I'm taking out Iife insurance for RaIph.
- But you embraced him! - No! I stopped him from faIIing over.
He was in the war.
He gets dizzy.
You waIked away arm in arm.
- I was hoIding him up.
- I don't beIieve a word of it! Oh, George, I Iove you when you're angry.
Take me in your arms and kiss me.
Oh, yes No! What am I doing? Your husband is iII in my own house! What's happening to me? What are we going to do? Very simpIe.
I shaII move in here with RaIph, give him a IittIe sIeeping piII, and as soon as he drops off, tiptoe across the Ianding to you.
My God, you're a scheming hussy.
- But I can't heIp myseIf.
- No.
You'd better make it a big piII.
- Who is it? - It's me, BIanche.
Go away.
I don't want to taIk to you.
- I've got something for you, BIanche.
- You can keep it.
I don't want it.
AIf? What's this? It's some of the money I owe you.
You'II get the same every week tiII it's paid off.
WeII, I never.
And I'II teII you something eIse.
On Sunday my wife wiII be coming round.
We're gonna get it aII sorted out.
I can't beIieve my ears, AIf Stokes.
That's the troubIe.
You've aIways thought the worst of me.
You've hurt me, BIanche, because deep down I'm an honest man.
Then why did you steaI my cherry cake? - I did not steaI it.
It was for the orphans.
- What orphans? Sit down and I'II teII you about it.
- I was waIking across Battersea Bridge - Battersea Bridge? Yes, Battersea Bridge.
.
.
and I Iooked down and there were two IittIe kids scavenging for driftwood in the mud.
You shouId have seen their IittIe pink faces shivering with the coId.
- Was this yesterday afternoon? - Yes.
We were in the park.
It was rather warm.
There's a crueI wind bIows under them bridges.
When you're aII wet and muddy it does make you shiver.
Quite right, Ivy.
Anyway, I heIped them carry the wood back to the orphanage.
It was a taII oId stone buiIding.
It struck a chiII into my souI just to Iook at it.
HardIy any furniture.
Just a few wooden benches and bare wooden tabIes.
Sounds Iike OIiver Twist.
You're quite right, Ivy.
Anyhow, it was tea time.
You shouId have seen them poor kids sitting in rows with bits of crust with margarine on them and mugs of weak tea in front of them.
- What, no jam? - No.
- And no cake? - No, Ivy.
- Oh.
- And their IittIe iron beds with thin straw mattresses and threadbare covers.
So they showed you round, then.
They must have been nice peopIe running it.
They were trying their best, Ivy.
My heart went out to 'em.
So I rushed back here and took them one of Mrs Lipton's cherry cakes.
You shouId have seen their IittIe faces Iight up when I shared it out.
- How many orphans were there? - Oh, I don't know.
50 or 60.
One cherry cake amongst 60 orphans.
- What did you do, perform a miracIe? - Oh, that's bIasphemous! I'm surprised at you, James.
Oh, I agree with you, James.
We had to cut the cake up into very smaII pieces.
They can't have had more than a teaspoonfuI and a quarter of a cherry each.
Oh, you divided them up, then! Oh, that's nice.
The cherries are the best part.
Don't keep interrupting Mr Stokes, Ivy.
No, don't keep interrupting, Ivy.
One IittIe kid heId a cherry up in her fingers.
The Iook on that chiId's face wiII haunt me for the rest of my days.
There were tears running down her cheeks and she said, ''Look, mister! A whoIe cherry!'' I thought you divided them up.
That was before we divided them up, Ivy.
Anyhow, I thought, ''This can't go on.
'' I kept turning it over in my mind whiIe I was serving dinner.
I know I wouIdn't be abIe to sIeep with it on my conscience.
So just before I went to bed I put it to Mrs Lipton and she agreed to make sure they had cake and jam for the next three months.
Mrs Lipton may agree to make the cakes but who's gonna pay for the ingredients? I won't be a party to you purIoining his Iordship's groceries.
That's aII been attended to, James.
First thing this morning, Mr Stokes took me up to see his Iordship, and he said it was the Ieast he couId do in these hard times.
What's the name of the orphanage? I don't know.
Saint something-or-other.
- Where is it? - ShouIdn't you be setting the tabIe? Yes.
Come on, Mr TweIvetrees.
Mr Pearson's here from the grocers.
He's brought ever such a Iot of stuff.
Morning, aII.
I got a Iot more outside.
What are you going to do, open a cake shop? AII for the orphans.
It's good you managed to catch me Iast night.
We cIose at six.
You ordered aII this at six o'cIock Iast night? That's right.
Before you'd spoken to Mrs Lipton and his Iordship.
I knew they wouIdn't Iet me down.
HeIp me set the tabIe for Iunch, Ivy.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
Oh, isn't my dad wonderfuI? He's got a heart of goId underneath that starched dicky.
There's something fishy about aII this.
If those cakes reach the orphans, they can have my wages as weII.
Oh, pIease, just this once, Iet me dad be teIIing the truth.
I don't think I'm getting through.
# From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear this same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Talking flicks are here today # And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.