Young & Hungry (2014) s05e18 Episode Script

Young & Bullseye

1 Josh Can you believe we're going on a double date? You like Nick, right? - Who? - (LAUGHS) You mess this up and I'll kill you.
Um, they have had five dates, very successful sex, and she really thinks this could go somewhere, and it's very, very important to us that you like him.
Yes, because one day, me and Nick will live next door to you and Gabi, so (LAUGHS) What are you, seven? Look, if you like him, I like him.
- I like him.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) (GASPS) Oh! Josh, you get the door, 'cause you know, I don't live here, you live here.
(LAUGHS) I'll just, uh, stand here and try to look casual.
- Hey, Nick.
Good to see you again, man.
- Hey, good to see you, too, but I am here to see her.
I love you.
Hey, I'm gonna, open this up for ya.
Oh, you are so beautiful.
Oh, damn it.
I broke the cork.
Can you hand me that knife? Dude, you're gonna shove the cork into the wine? Trust me, it's the only way.
Do you mind? No, go for it.
Not gonna work.
What you wanna do is take the corkscrew (BLOWS) go at it from an angle.
You wanna just gently engage the cork as much as you can.
- And boom.
- (CORK POPS) And that is exactly why we have successful sex.
Hmm.
Wow, Nick! That is genius! (LAUGHS) Genius is a little bit of an overstatement.
I mean, we're talkin' about a cork, people.
It's a trick I learned because my grandfather owns a winery.
Oh, sweet.
I own my own one.
- Okay! - (CLINKS GLASSES) Why don't we pour some? Uh, actually, with all the angling of the corkscrew and whatnot, we don't have time, 'cause we'll miss our reservation.
Uh, do you guys care if we take my Ferrari? Sorry, the back seat's a little small.
Even better for us.
I love you.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) She in the spotlight And she turn my head She run a red light 'Cause she bad like that I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby Baby, I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby I can't believe we've been here an hour and no guy has approached me.
Yolanda, it's still early.
People aren't drunk enough, yet.
Maybe it's us.
I bet we're scaring guys off 'cause they think we're straight.
Excuse me.
Are you HotChocolate335? Oh, I'm sorry From HeyCupid.
I'm OpenHeartedSurgeon9.
- Oh, I think you've got - A medical degree! - Uh, but I'm not - Shut up, HotChocolate.
He's fine.
You're right.
And hopefully, that nine means what I think it means.
Hey! Hey, Nick, why don't you get us a table, and I'll get us some drinks.
You got dinner.
I can get the drinks.
Okay.
I'll get us a table.
I know the owner, so I can probably swing a booth.
You don't know the owner of this bar.
- I know of the owner.
- Oh.
Okay, Josh, this has to stop.
You've been trying to compete with Nick all night.
- Oh, he started it.
- I don't care who started it.
All right? I need you to be the bigger man.
Shouldn't be too hard.
I got like half a foot on that guy.
Okay, so I ordered wine for the ladies, bourbon for me, and, Josh, I took a shot in the dark and went with an appletini.
- Oh, teeny, like your - Bigger man, bigger man.
So Oh, they've got darts.
Darts! Darts! Darts are fun.
- Isn't this great? - Mm.
I mean, Sofia and I have always fantasized about having boyfriends at the same time, and now that it's happening, it's just so, hmm, nice.
Isn't this nice? Cheers to us! Oh, uh, we don't have drinks to cheers with.
Probably would if we ordered from the waitress instead of the bartender, though.
- Nope, the bar's always faster.
- Is it? 'Cause, uh, what's missin'? Ooh, I'll give you a hint.
Actually, I think you drink an appletini like this.
Okay, drinks.
How about, uh, we go get the drinks.
Sofia, you wanna go get the drinks? Gabi and I are gonna get the drinks.
(SIGHS) Oh my God, this is a nightmare.
Gabi, our boyfriends hate each other.
Yeah, I know.
I don't get it.
I mean, they have so much in common.
They're both smart and successful and cute.
On paper, it seemed like they'd get along great.
What happened between the paper and now? So much! But I think it all started with that corkscrew thing.
Oh, I know.
I mean, what was Josh's problem? Nick was just tryin' to help him, and then he just got all weird.
If by "help him" you mean that show-offy, smug presentation where he lectured Josh on how to remove half a cork? You wanna talk about show-offy? You think it was really necessary for Josh to order a bottle of wine from his own vineyard at dinner? Huh.
Well, it's not Josh's fault his wine is on the menu of every fine restaurant in San Francisco, unlike Nick's grandpa's wine, which I didn't see listed anywhere.
Too bad we didn't go to the airport strip club, where they probably have it on the bar gun.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Oh, thank God.
Drinks are here.
So, I was just about to ask Josh how you guys met.
Ah! Well, Josh needed a chef, we got together and now we're here.
- If only it was that short.
- You're short.
No, no, no.
It was actually, uh, a lot more romantic than that.
Gabi and I had instant chemistry from the moment we met.
Unfortunately, we weren't ready to be together right away.
So, over the course of the next three years, we'd get nice and close, then we'd get ripped apart.
Then we'd get close again, and we'd get ripped apart again, until one day, fate tapped us on the shoulder and said, "Josh, Gabi, the time is now.
" Remember what we said? Shall we say it together? - I love you.
- (CLEARS THROAT) I'm ready to go.
Oh, you know, that's so different from me and Sofia.
I mean, when I first met her, there was no getting close or ripped apart stuff, I mean, I didn't need three years to think about it.
Hm.
You know, good things come to those who wait.
I don't like waiting.
I knew the moment I saw her, we were gonna be together.
Gabi and I had sex on the first night.
Sofia, will you move in with me? - What? - What? See? I told you this guy will do anything to one-up Josh.
Nick, I would love to move in with you.
(GIGGLES) Okay, Sofia would never move in with a guy after five dates.
I mean, she's too rational and level-headed and boring for that.
Well, let me tell you somethin'.
She's never gonna move in with him.
Damn right she's not! Why is she not? Because they're bluffing, and we're gonna call their bluff.
Hell yeah, we are! How are we gonna do that? By offering to help them move in together, this weekend.
Pfft! Are you crazy? I hate helping people move.
We're never gonna have to.
The minute we suggest that they move in together that quickly, they're both gonna back out.
Now, are we done talkin' about this? - Yes.
- Good.
- Can I tell you a secret? - Yes.
I often enjoy a good appletini.
Good morning, HotChocolate! How'd it go with the doctor? Ha ha.
Well, he made a follow-up appointment.
I've heard of Doctors Without Borders, but never Doctors Without Standards.
What he means is, yay you, Yolanda.
- Yay.
- Yay, nothin'.
Last night we talked about him.
Next time, we're gonna have to talk about her.
I mean me.
HotChocolate.
I just looked at HeyCupid, and it turns out this bitch, HotChocolate, has got a double degree in Greek philosophy and Old English poetry! Oh, no worries, Yo-Yo.
Elliot majored in literature.
And I haven't worked in a couple years, so I've had time to read ten philosophy books.
We can teach you! How the hell am I supposed to learn all that crap before my next date? I know! How about we pull a Cyrano? I don't do that on my first date! Wait.
What's that? It's where we tell you what to say.
(GROANS) If I wanted to help an old woman get into bed, I would've majored in nursing.
What the hell is this? Oh! Sorry! Uh, hi! (LAUGHS) We were just about to have moving day sex.
You'll know one day.
(QUIETLY) Okay, you said they were bluffing.
This doesn't look like bluffing.
Don't worry, it'll happen any minute, trust me.
Why don't you grab a box and bring it down to the curb? All right, Nick.
We'll "grab a box and bring it down to the curb.
" - Uh, wait.
- Here we go.
Is there, uh Is there somethin' you wanna tell us, Sofia? Yeah, there is.
I'm kind of just realizing it now.
Hey, Nick, could you come out here for a second? Well, I just wanna say, you know, obviously last night, you know, didn't really go as planned, and for you guys to come over here and help us move, and, I don't know, start this new phase in our lives, it really means a lot to me.
And? And, um I took the waffle iron.
(SCOFFS) I can't believe this.
When it's right, it's right.
Oh, I'm really gonna miss this place.
- And Gabi? - Yeah? If you need me to pay rent next month, I will.
That would be good.
Okay! Ooh! Well, bye! Wow, were we wrong! I can't believe this, Josh.
This is really happening.
I mean, they met each other, they love each other, and now they're moving in together! I don't get it.
It doesn't make sense.
They went on five dates.
Well, maybe that's all he really needed.
Maybe he's the kind of guy that knows what he wants and when he wants it.
Maybe he doesn't need three years to figure it out! Wait.
What's happening? I just I think it's a little odd that we've been together for so long and we haven't even discussed moving in together.
Okay, it's odd.
Therefore, it needs to be discussed.
So discuss.
Okay, uh Well, I have plenty of room.
You're already working there.
You can't afford to live on your own Okay, this is so not romantic.
Starting over.
Gabi, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
And I've never felt like this about anyone.
Getting better.
And although, I might not be the guy who knows what he wants after five dates, I do know one thing.
I love you.
Getting a lot better.
And you would make me the luckiest man in the world if you'd move in with me.
Really? You mean it? I've never meant anything more in my life.
- Ooh! - Come on, move with me.
Yeah? Okay! Okay! Ah! - Ah! - I'm moving in with my boyfriend! I'm moving in with my boyfriend! Yolanda, can you hear me? Yes.
This is Lil' Kim talkin' to Lil' Kimchi.
Over.
Oh my damn.
He's here.
(GIGGLES) Wow.
You look stunning.
Ooh, nice tushie.
Ooh, nice tush shee you again.
Um, I'll have a marti Uh, wait a minute.
Is it okay if I order a drink? I know you're ten years sober.
Who the hell told you that? Well, I read it on your profile, under "accomplishments.
" Oh that's right.
(MUTTERS) I hate that bitch.
So one martini and one? Uh Hmm Uh Oh God.
She doesn't know any non-alcoholic drinks.
Iced tea, Yolanda.
Iced tea.
So, you studied philosophy.
What do you think of Plato? Well, it comes in lots of colors, and I love the smell! No, no, no, no, no.
Plato's a philosopher.
Tell him you love Plato because Allegory of the Cave makes you challenge your perception of the world.
(LAUGHS) Allegory of the Cave makes you challenge your perception of the world.
Wow, that's amazing.
(LAUGHS) I know! The reception in here is fantastic.
So I'm guessing studying Old English poetry seemed modern compared to Plato.
Do you have a favorite poem? Well, there are so many.
I couldn't possibly have a favorite one.
Could I? "Someone came knocking at my wee, small door" "Someone came knocking at my wee, small door" - "Someone" - (PHONE VIBRATING) Oh God, it's my mother.
I have to answer.
- "Someone" - Mm-hmm.
"Someone!" Please, keep goin'.
"Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah "someone's in the kitchen, I know.
"Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah, strummin' on the old banjo.
" (LAUGHS) - (YOLANDA LAUGHS) - You are too funny! I'm gonna have to watch out for you.
Ooh! Ice-cold martini.
- Dog! That looks good! - Uh! Do you know what? Here's a funny game I always love to play.
What's the color of my eyes? Ooh.
Beautiful brown.
Oh Now I'll do yours.
Cover your eyes.
Yes, ma'am.
(LAUGHS) Okay, hmm, um, your eyes are I'm thinking.
Uh brown.
Hey.
Hey, Sofia! Gabi, what's wrong? I got, like, three 9-1-1s from you.
Why would you assume something's wrong? Well, usually with you, it's a pretty good guess.
Ha! Funny! Everything today is so funny.
And beautiful.
And perfect.
What's going on? Okay.
Do you remember our dream? Dual weddings, dual vacations, kids at the same time, moving in with our boyfriends at the same time? - What? - Josh asked me to move in with him and I said yes! (SCREAMS) Where's your (SCREAMS)? - Wow.
- Wow is very nice, but I was really hoping for a (SCREAMS).
- Talk about one-upsmanship.
- I know, ri What? Josh couldn't stand the fact that Nick one-upped him, so he asked you to move in, and you were so jealous that I was asked to move in, that you said yes.
In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you were the one who asked Josh if you could move in.
Okay, what the hell is happening? What's happening here is that you can't let me have five minutes of joy without having to top me.
God, Gabi, you're so obnoxious! Okay, I don't understand how my best friend isn't happy for me right now.
Oh, like you were me? Um, I believe your exact words were, "I told you this guy would do anything to one-up Josh.
" Because he would.
I mean, God, Sofia, you've been on five dates with this guy.
Gabi, you were just over to help me pack.
What the hell was that? I was calling your bluff! (YELLS ANGRILY) Oh my God.
What is wrong with you? Man, you have changed since you moved out, yesterday? No, you're the one who's changed.
Me? Yes! Yes you, because, huh, you were so happy with the way that things were going with Josh, and then all of a sudden, you wanna move in with him? What, just because you move in with your boyfriend, I can't move in with my boyfriend? Oh, admit it.
You said yes because you're a petty, selfish, little girl! (GASPS) - Oh my God! - What? The dart is in The dart? The dart's in where? The dart's in your head.
(GASPS) (THUDS) (LAUGHING) Is there a doctor here? We need a doctor back here.
Oh, he can help, he's a doctor.
Uh Please.
Some girl just took a dart straight to the head.
Ew! Is there blood? - Oh my God! - What kind of doctor are you? A fake one.
I lied, I'm sorry.
Are you sure you're okay? Yeah.
I will be.
After another bite.
God, Gabi, how did we go from three days ago all of our dreams coming true to A nightmare of you tryin' to kill me with a dart? - What happened to us? - I don't know.
You got a boyfriend, and we both went crazy.
We did.
(CHUCKLES) Sofia, I'm really sorry that I said that Nick only wanted to move in with you because he was competing with Josh.
I should've said that, I mean, of course he wants to live with you.
Everybody wants to live with you! I've lived with you, it's the best.
Living with you is the best, too.
Can I tell you something? You were right.
I think I only said yes to moving in with Josh because I was trying to one-up you.
My God, and I only said yes to Nick because I was so mad that you didn't really believe he was asking me - Gabi, are you okay? - Sofia, don't admit to anything.
I have your best legal interest at heart.
Uh, Nick, can I talk to you for a second? - Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Okay, well, let's get your stuff and go back to my place.
Nay, our place.
Josh, um, I love you a whole bunch, and I really hope that one day we might live together, but, right now, like right, right now, I don't know if I'm ready.
Oh, thank God.
What I mean, is one day you might kind of wanna be ready, though, right? Totally might kind of wanna be ready.
So, uh, we have some news.
Oh, uh, yeah, we have some news, too.
Um, I'm not moving in with Nick.
What? I'm not moving in with Josh.
- What? - BOTH: Yay! BOTH: I'm sorry.
It's all right, I may have rushed things a little bit, but, u about anyone before.
Which also might be kind of why I acted like an ass.
- Sorry, dude.
- Yeah, and I'm sorry, too, that you acted like an ass.
Okay.
Well, now that everything is back to normal, how about we celebrate, open a bottle of wine? - I got it.
- I got it.
How about some beer? Maybe it's the head wound, but Nick's grandpa's wine is not that bad.
It's the head wound.
- (WHISTLING) - Open heart surgeon? Oh, uh HotChocolate.
I thought you were sober.
It's Yolanda, and I thought you were a surgeon.
What are you doin' here? Actually, I own a moving company.
- Oh, really? - No.
But I drive the truck.
- You do? - No.
They make me sit in the middle.
Look, I'm I'm sorry about the other night.
I I just didn't want my smart, beautiful and funny date to find out that I'm only a mover.
Oh.
So what I'm hearin' is, you're experienced in packin' big brown boxes.