Young Drunk Punk (2015) s01e07 Episode Script

Ian and Shinky Make a Movie

1 Correct me if I'm wrong.
Ah, Eraserhead was the main guy, right? He wasn't that terrifying, screaming, bloody baby-rat thing? All I know is that it's like someone ripped out all the nightmares out of my head and charged me five bucks to watch it.
And all I could say is, more of that, please.
I feel like a crazy man barfed in my eyes.
Was that even a movie? Shink, that was the future of movies! - Hey, guys.
- Hey, Diane.
Ian, Shinky, this is Marq.
Marq, this is Ian and Shinky.
- Hey, Mark.
- Hello, Mark.
- It's Marq with a "q".
- Oh! So it's Q-Mark? It's pronounced "Mark", he just spells it pretentiously.
Hm.
So, what did you think of the movie? My films aren't quite as mainstream as Eraserhead.
- You make movies? - I have made nine short films in eight short months, while you guys let me guess, listened to records - in your parents' basement.
- It's my basement actually.
And talk about doing things without actually ever getting around to doing anything, am I right? Actually, you're-you're wrong.
We make films too.
- Really? - You do? - We do? - Yeah, yeah! We're working on a pretty important one right now about the secret, true hell that is suburban life.
It's called Subdivision.
Yes! It's a lot like Joy Division, the band, but there's a lot less joy in it.
Sounds amazing.
You know, I'm hosting a film festival this Friday night, your piddly little film would make an excellent palate cleanser.
Our "piddly little film" is gonna kick the palate right out of the back of your head, pal.
- I look forward to that.
- Great.
Come on, jerk.
See you guys.
- Bye, Diane.
- Are we making a movie? - Looks that way.
- Yes! Hahaha! I got it! This is how we set it up.
Th-the the Brae Vista Rec Centre is built on the same spot where the old insane asylum burnt down in a chemical fire.
Oh yeah! And the old insane asylum is built in the same crater where the, uh, mysterious meteor obliterated that Indian burial ground! Yeah, but the meteor doesn't come from space, like any dummy would have you believe, it comes out of the earth, and it explodes out of the ground like it's - like it's - From hell! Haha! So many movies do psycho killers, but how many movies do psycho-killer buildings? Only four that I can name off the top of my head.
But we do have a slight problem.
Total lack of movie making ability? Also, it's our lack of equipment.
My dad says that the country that makes film for his camera doesn't actually exist anymore, so kind of a bummer.
Hmm.
Do we have sound? We'll try to get to it tomorrow.
So what do I do for a toilet until then? Go outside? Security cameras make it look like talking to the lawn deer.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
We've just been understaffed! Can you see how disappointed I am? Shinky, this is how we make our movie.
Are you OK? I can't remember if I've taken my sock off or putting it on.
You're exhausted, - you just need to take a nap.
- I can't.
My whole team's gone AWOL.
Henry's out of town helping his half-brother and quarter-sister move; and Spud, they're not gonna let him out of the hospital till he comes up with some of the money for his operation.
Hey, you just need to take a break! You're starting to lose it.
I found the milk in the medicine cabinet, not to mention you peed - in the - I said I'm fine.
I'm busy and I'm just I don't have time to sleep! OK.
Just do me a favour then: why don't you take some of these, um breath mints? You might be tired, but your breath will be minty fresh.
They sound pretty good.
And don't worry about me.
I've still got Ian out there.
Speaking of which Ian, how's the snow removal on the north corner going? Over.
I presume you're not answering me, because Quiet on the set.
OK, here he comes.
And action! Pizza guy, stop! What? Are you the guys that ordered the pizza? Yeah, yeah.
I need you to go back around the corner and come in again, OK? Slower and more scared.
Yeah.
And hold the pizza in your other hand.
- Why? - Just go back around the corner and come in again, and you'll get a huge tip.
Yeah, OK.
More scared.
Hold the pizza in your other hand.
Yeah, OK, no.
You know what? Stop, stop.
OK, I need you to come in again, and I really want to see the haunted face of compromise.
And hold the pizza in your other hand! OK, here we go.
Find the truth.
Love your work.
- Ah - I don't even buy he's a real pizza guy.
I got an idea.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Hey, man, thanks for the pizza.
Run.
- Keep the change.
- What? Haha! I got you your pizza, evil building.
No! No! No! Ah-ah-ah-ah! Haha! - Cut.
- Perfect.
But you better catch that guy before he calls the cops.
Yeah.
- Ah, who's calling the cops? - Oh, no, I, uh I was just wondering about the cops out loud, to myself, because I saw something weird on the monitor.
What the hell is that? Looks like blood.
But that's impossible, right? - So much blood.
- It's finally happening, Ian.
Won this little puppy in a foosball tournament.
Haven't taken her out to dance for a while, but I think it's time.
You stay here, Ian, and be my eyes.
- Why can't your eyes be your eyes? - They're busy being my brain.
Now, if something does happen to me, call Emergency and say it's happened, Lloyd's finally down! And if I don't come back, there's a metal box hidden behind the washing machine.
Take it out and burn it.
Whatever you do, Ian, do not look inside that box.
- Ah - What's in the box? Ah! Where is your dad going with that club? - Are we rolling on this? - We're always rolling, man.
- What's wrong? - I'm just making orange juice.
Mom.
I'm just worried about your dad.
Well, I've been worried about Dad since I was eleven.
It's just kind of become this background hum - that I ignore! - Well, I may have done something that was a teensy bit unwise.
Oh, please tell me you didn't let him buy that guy's wolf.
No.
I just may have given him some of my diet pills.
I confiscated those.
Well, your dad was exhausted, I didn't know what else to do.
Well, I hope he knows what he's doing.
I told him they were breath mints.
Uh-oh.
Help! Anybody, help! Th-this building, it - it ate my dog! - What?! My-my Pedro, it just - It sucked him up! - That's impossible.
You think that I, being just a regular kid, wouldn't know that? But look! No, no, no, wait! Seriously, you have to sign a release.
All units respond.
All units respond.
Over.
Spud, are you in the bathtub? Well, I'm a man of leisure, boss.
I thought you were in the hospital, Spud! They wouldn't operate unless I washed a few things first.
- Over.
- OK.
Spud's down! Ian, are you there? Uh, yeah, this is Ian unit responding.
Over.
- We have a UE! - A UE? What's a UE? An unidentified event.
Until this is solved, nobody sleeps, nobody eats.
I may not even sit down! Somebody's poking the bear, and the bear is about to poke back.
- We need that to camera.
- Uh, yeah, you're breaking up a bit, Dad.
I missed that last part.
Ah, you know, the walkies work better when you face away from the rec centre.
I said, Somebody poked the bear! The bear is about poke back! I think our movie just found its hero.
What movie? - Lloyd, you're great! - Way to go! - Hi.
- Doing a wonderful job! Thanks for all your hard work, Lloyd.
- I got you a Texas mickey! - Whoa! Hey, Lloyd.
Huh? Thanks again for letting me sleep with your daughter.
What?! Ugh! You crashed.
Yeah He's exhausted and high on Mom's diet pills.
We need to figure out a way to get the keys to the golf cart - away from Dad.
- Yeah, he's acting even crazier than usual.
It's like he knows he's in a movie.
That's exactly why I'm here, Ian.
You knew that it was one of my biggest dreams to become a famous actress! You've literally never said that before.
I'm a star, Ian! That's obvious! Ah! Is there any karate in this movie? No, there's not.
But that's a great idea! We could use that.
Thank you, Belinda! I know a couple of expert karate guys.
- I'll go make some calls.
- Awesome! - She can't be in our movie.
- What do you mean? Why not? Sex sells, we should have gotten a woman on this ages ago.
Yeah, but karate? I think you're losing track - of the theme of our movie.
- The theme is there's a killer building on the loose, man.
I think we're nailing that.
Yeah, but what about suburbia's wildfire cancer? You know the lie of the brass ring? I really love those ideas! - I know you do.
- Hi, guys.
Hey, Diane! How are things going in Hollywood, Alberta? They're pretty great.
We're getting some excellent footage of suburban life crushing the working stiff's soul.
And their skulls.
Well I just came by to see if you guys need any help.
- Yeah! - Nah You know, we were just saying that the film lacked a feminine perspective.
- You should be in it! - I would love that! Hahaha! - Fantastic! - Fantastic So you know what's happening in the scene, right? Sort of.
Um, this building represents society's expectations, and it's physically crushing me to death? - Exactly.
- Cool! - I do a really good collapse.
- And then at the end, Shinky's gonna throw a bucket of blood on you.
Yeah! Wait.
Do I die? I put a lot of thought into this character.
Born in Greece, plays the cello, wants to help sick people.
Look, Diane, honey, the building kills everyone, OK? What if the building doesn't kill her? What if I don't know, what if the building falls in love with her? It's a love story between a woman and a building.
Yeah, I could definitely see a building falling in love with you.
And she falls in love with it too.
It's brave, strong.
And you've never felt love from a building before.
- It's new.
It's scary.
- Wha? I'll scream, but not with my voice, I'll scream with my body.
- And then kiss the building.
- What?! Let's try one.
But White sheep, black sheep.
White sheep black, sheep.
White sheep, black sheep.
Action! Ian, if your dad offers you some breath mints, just say no.
OK.
Weird things are going on.
Did you see that Fifth Estate episode about suburban Satanists? They're everywhere.
- They come.
And they come in to - Weird things are going on.
We should continue this conversation in private, - perhaps out by the fountain.
- Yes, we wouldn't want to alarm our women now, would we? I need to commandeer - your sandwich.
- What?! Oh, ugh.
There's been a lot going on, as you well know.
I think you're right, Dad.
It's almost supernatural.
Well, you know I have a tremendous sense of smell, - don't you? - Oh, yeah.
All afternoon, I've been smelling what I can only - describe as an evil odour.
- Oh, that's interesting, Dad.
Can you describe what evil smells like? 'Cause - I think I'm smelling it too.
- It's more than just a smell, as you know.
It's like a feeling.
Like you go to touch it, but it's not even there.
This is fantastic.
- What are those, Dad? - Oh, breath mints.
Your mother gave them to me.
They taste horrible, but they really do the trick.
Feels like my breath is going 300 miles an hour.
- Whoo! - This is unbelievable.
You're going to die next.
Huh? So, the building's writing signs now? Why would the building even say that? I thought we were falling in love.
That is why you have to die, Diane, because the building is scared of love.
Love is its enemy, huh? Yeah, but physically, how is the building writing signs? I don't know, Ian.
How is it physically phoning for a pizza? We've already established that! Have you ever heard of creative license, have you? It's gone through your head, once.
That's a Lloyd alert.
Uh, Ian? Scramble! It's gonna be OK.
There it is.
OK.
What? Helen, crazy things are happening! - Are they? - Yes.
Blood, Satanists! I don't want to die! Lloyd, how many breath mints have you had? What does that got to do with anything? Talking of Satanists! - You're going straight to bed.
- Am I? Yeah.
Brae Vista won't fall apart without you.
It won't? I think Shinky and I just have a different vision - for this film.
- Well, Shinky is wrong.
Cynicism is easy and boring and cowardly.
- Boo, cynicism! - Love isn't old-fashioned, - it's brave! - Yay, love! OK, I don't know how we're gonna do this, and it's gonna sound a little sexual - There are no bad ideas.
- What if instead of me going inside the building, we end with the building going inside of me? I love that idea.
I don't 100% know how we're gonna do it, - but - Look! Whoo! I'm not afraid of you, karate guys.
Come on! - Belinda? - Bam! Pow! - What's happening? - I have no idea, but your sister is killing it.
- Pew! - Oh! Oh Bam! Oh no, the cops are there.
- Yeah-yeah, I called them.
- Why? What do you mean, why? For production value.
Think about it.
The police show up, they find a bloody body - Ugh - they'll freak out! Pandemonium in the streets.
Are you really sure it's a good idea to freak out the cops? - Absolutely.
- No, no, no, no, no! - What is she doing?! - Cops are here! Let's go! She's improvising.
Show time! Pew! Pew! Pew-pew-pew! I'm gonna authorize the use of nightsticks - on this one.
- Bam! Ah! Bam! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! The building, it's inside my head! Where the hell is Lloyd McKay? I don't know, I might be a little too tired for this.
- Hi, Lloyd.
- Hoho I'm Sabina and I'm a Sunshine Girl.
About me? I like big dogs and small tops.
- Oooh - I also like Lloyd.
I like the way you look at me when you read the paper.
No, honestly, I'm just checking out my horoscope.
Let's do that thing you think about when you look at me.
- Hahaha! I don't know.
- You can take off everything but the sash and the gloves.
Why can't I take off the gloves? Oh, it's a dream.
Are you in labour? - Is Ian being born again? - No, the phone's ringing off the hook.
Brae Vista is falling apart without you.
OK, just need a couple of breath mints to get my motor running.
No, no, no, no! No more of these.
You just go.
- OK.
- Yeah.
So, ah how long have you guys been ninjas? - Deke! - Oh, Lloyd, - you kind of missed the party.
- What the hell happened here? Well, your daughter clubbed Dave here, but those things happen.
- Arrest that one! - On what charge? He says he saw a meteor, he tripped, hit his head.
- Story checks out.
- There was a meteor?! No, that's what I say when I don't feel like checking something out.
But there's so many reasons to arrest Shinky.
- What were you thinking? - All I did was make the call; - your sister attacked them.
- How are we supposed to finish now? You're completely ruining my movie.
I could have sworn it was "our" movie.
- Yeah, well, whatever.
- Yeah whatever.
Good luck with your film, Hitchcock.
When the cops show up, the love story's over.
I just wanted to make a simple, brilliant indictment of society, is that too much to ask? Apparently.
Some people make films, Ian; others just make excuses.
Get back here! - Let's get him! - When I woke up - This morning - Evil me.
Felt like I'd been sleeping forever Dreamed I changed the words to my baby's song - Then, it wasn't the same - Aaah! When I woke up this morning I was 20 years old When I woke up this morning - Wow, the day I've had.
- I was 20 years old When I woke up this morning Oh! - Don't you know how to knock? - You don't have a door.
We've been over this, OK? You say, "Knock-knock.
" - And you say, "Who's there?" - And then you say, "Ian.
" And I say, "Ian who?" And you say, "Ian and the missus was having a shag in the loo!" - I finished our movie.
- Which movie? The bloody, edgy one or the bloody, boring one? A completely new one, and I'm gonna show it at the festival tonight.
Are you in? - I woke up this morning - Alright.
- I was 20 years old - Can I listen to the end of the song? Always.
But we only have ten minutes, so let's speed it up.
Deadly.
Yah! - It's good to be back.
- We need this.
Before we begin in earnest, I just want to remind you all that the popcorn is not for eating; it is for atmosphere.
And more importantly, not popcorn.
- Hmm - Welcome again to the second annual "Moving Images on Film" Film Festival.
We have some really wonderful films for you here tonight.
But before we get to them, here's a film by Ian McKay.
Be kind.
Wow, the day I've had.
You're a working stiff, fountain, you'll know what I'm going through.
You work hard for your family so they can live in a nice, safe neighbourhood.
But you have to work so many hours, you never get to see them.
You're a lot like me, fountain.
We could both do our jobs in our sleep.
For all our hard work, people throw coins at us.
If they feel like it, they piss on us.
You got a family, fountain? Of course not, you're a fountain.
Maybe we're all fountains.
You cut me out! - He fell asleep eating popcorn.
- I know.
Well, that was unexpectedly powerful.
So powerful.
I tip my hat, you talented bastard.
There will be no more films tonight! Get out! Everybody, get out of here! And now, the award for best performance by an actor in an independent film: Lloyd McKay Fountain, and in the role of Lawn Deer, Persephone the lawn deer.
- She's good.
- And the winner is "Lloyd McKay.
" But we don't believe in awards, do we? Awww! - So you can't have it! - Why do I even come - to these things? - For this.
Are you OK? Yeah, it's just a dream.
- Go back to sleep.
- I don't know if I can.
Well, maybe this will help.
- I'm going to punch you now.
- I understand.
Punch me again.
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