Young Drunk Punk (2015) s01e09 Episode Script

First Date Funeral

- Hey Ah? - Who's ready for some molten cheese? Now, I may not trust the French, but they make some good food.
Huh? - Oh! - Hot! Hot! Hot! - Hmm I've seen mouth burns before, but inner thigh burns? New to me.
- Maybe next Saturday? - Mm-hm! A little chilly, but I think it's worth it.
Yeah! So, female folk night is great, right? Oh! Ow! It's a romantic comedy called The Shining.
It stars Jack Nicholson and that girl from Popeye.
- That sounds good.
- Yeah I thought you said The Shining was a romantic movie? I thought it was, I swear I didn't know anything - about an elevator full of blood.
- Don't touch me! - I wanna go home.
- What about next Saturday? I like you, Ian, but I'm starting to think we're jinxed.
- No, no, no, we're not jinxed! - Please give me one more chance.
We'll try it one more time, but if it doesn't go well, we'll know it's not meant to be.
OK? - Yes.
Next Saturday! Hey! What's wrong? - Your Dad's mom died.
- The funeral is Saturday.
Better not have any plans.
Good.
My last chance with Diane and my grandma dies.
Argh.
How selfish is that? With old people, it's all me, me, me And apparently, funeral attendance is mandatory - in this sheep society.
- Hey, um How much did your grandmother weigh? You know, right at the end, there? - Why? - I don't know, I kinda always wanted to be a pallbearer.
You know? The idea of taking somebody to their final resting place seems kinda noble to me.
Don't laugh! - Can I have a spot or what? - Shinky, you are not going to the funeral.
- Why not? - I'm not going to the funeral.
- Why not? - I'm going on a date with Diane! - Seriously? - Yeah! I-I dunno, she says you guys are jinxed.
What? No, no, no, we're not jinxed.
We can't be jinxed.
A girl like Diane comes along maybe once in a generation.
That, I can agree with.
I know 12 guys who are head over heels - Hey, Shink, you're not helping! - Sorry.
How am I going to get out of this? I got it.
I got it! I was reading the psychology journal or maybe it was a cartoon that I watched But they were saying how exposure to death can - scar a young person for life.
- So? So, your parents wouldn't want you going to this funeral if they thought you were gonna be scarred for life, would they? So get a little crazy! - Get a little nuts, you know!? - Yeah.
Dad is not as upset as I thought he would be.
Did he even like Grandma? Oh, they didn't talk much and they never had any fun together, but yes, your dad loved his mom very much.
He just has a hard time with emotions.
- Yeah.
- Oh ho ho! Look at that! Everyone deals with grief in their own way.
Look what I found in the old pack rat's things.
She kept my old Bolo bat.
Oh, look what she kept; a picture of Snowball Oh, penny for your thoughts, Snowball? She loved that dog.
First Snowball dies, now my mom.
What's next, the golf cart? You know, Snowball died six months ago, I don't think - these things are related.
- Oh, what do you know? If anybody needs me, I'm gonna take a long, slow drive on the golf cart while I still can.
This isn't men's business.
Death is women's business.
I am feeling all these feelings.
I'm so confused! Why am I feeling all these feelings, why am I so upset? Maybe because your life is not going that well? And then there is that girl you keep trying to date.
No, no, no, it's something else, I Although a few things in my life could be going better.
- No, no, it's something else.
- Is it Grandma? Yeah! I think Grandma's death is is putting me in what a psychological journal might call distress.
I mean, I don't even think I can handle the funeral.
I'm hungry, but I couldn't even eat! Well, maybe just some fruit Well, at least he's eating.
Oh, he's a good boy.
Savour it.
You don't know how long you have left.
You know, some people think picking up their dog's poo is a nuisance.
I think it's a privilege! 'Cause it means they're alive.
- Death.
- Yeah - I'm sorry about your mom, Sir.
- Oh, that! Yeah, yeah, yeah Hey, what are you doing here, Shinky? Well, I have a bit of a unique request.
Um, I was hoping you might consider me for pall bearing duties.
- OK.
- Really? Yeah, I've been carrying her my whole life, why don' you take a turn.
Ha, you won't regret this! I'll start training immediately! - He hee! - You think she looks like me? - I see a resemblance.
- Who is that with her? - I think that's Rudolph Syklofsky.
- He was the love of her life.
- I thought Grandpa was the love of her life? Ah, well, Grandma had a lot of love to go around.
She gobbled up men like Tic Tacs.
Oh, she was like me! - She liked to stay out late.
- Check! Did she also smoke menthol cigarettes? Yes! Did she lose her virginity in an abandoned Wait! Ian? Ian? Are you okay? - Is anything ever really OK? - I'm OK! I could lose a few pounds reorganize my drawers, but I'm okay.
Oh, death be not proud, though some have called you the great equalizer, I don't feel equal to your challenge.
We're all blue, Harriet was a good woman when she was sober.
Well when she was out of booze she was a nightmare too.
You know, death is the most sobering thing of all.
And one day it'll be you and Dad who will leave this great Earth.
Obviously, Dad a lot sooner.
Obviously.
Don't tell him I said that.
Ah, I'm feeling so much ennui.
- Ennui? - But the It's the soul-crushing sadness and hopelessness that envelops someone.
It's what I'm feeling right now.
- That does sound serious.
- Maybe I shouldn't go to the funeral.
Fine.
It's OK with me if it's OK with your dad.
Great! I just wanted to pass on my condolences about your mom, boss.
Thanks, Spud, your sage words mean a lot to me.
- Over.
- Oh! Oh!! What's up? I can tell something's wrong.
You know, I've faced down drunk cowboys and the rise of Disco, but the thought of going to Grandma's funeral - is just too much to take.
- Then, let's not go.
- Really? - I've been dreading it myself.
So while everybody else is at that funeral, you and I can get a bottle of 40 year-old Scotch and hike up Moose Mountain.
Hope it rains that day! - The rain will cleanse us.
- No! I don't think that's a good idea.
I think we should all grieve separately.
Yeah, Mom really thinks I should skip it.
Mom Well, then you shouldn't go to that funeral.
Do you want your mom to shoulder the whole gruesome burden!? Well, there is you and Belinda.
- Belinda! - Yeah.
Ian, we've gotta go to that funeral for our women.
Our women who aren't as strong as we are.
No, no, I disagree, I think they are way stronger.
I knew you were up to something just now.
You were trying to teach me to stop moping around and lead this family! In good times and in bad.
You're right, Ian, we've gotta go to that funeral.
I'll still bring the scotch, though.
Religion can't help you, but Scotch can.
Hi.
Sorry to tell you, but Saturday is not gonna work for me.
- Could you do Friday instead? - Sir, you can't just move a funeral service at the last minute.
Fine! Why can't you have a funeral on a Monday? Mondays are dead anyways.
Leave Saturday for the living! Hello? Hi, this is Shinky, the head pallbearer.
I'm just wondering how much that casket's gonna weigh fully-loaded? They hung up immediately.
So what are you gonna do now? Shinky I'm gonna do something I haven't done since I was a very tiny child.
- Ahem! - Oh! Did you get new earrings? They were Grandma's.
I found them in her jewelry box.
and, we were the same ring size.
Does anybody else smell moth balls? It's Grandma's shoes! They're still airing out.
Well, I've eaten enough.
Mom! Mom!! It's been six months, why don't you throw the dog dish out? He won't let me.
Oh, Lord, love a duck! What on earth!? We were born naked and we die naked.
Lots of people die with their clothes on.
It's a metaphor.
I no longer want to live by society's clothing mandates.
Hey, Lloyd, we got a call about a a You stumbled into a family situation, here, Spud.
If I have to go to the funeral, I am going naked.
You're not totally naked, you're wearing an oven mitt.
Yes.
If you mean what you say, take off that oven glove.
- Yeah, take that glove off! - Take it off! - Come on, you little sissy! - Why don't you take it off? All right! - Yeah Ian, take off the glove.
- Come on, coward, take it off! Argh! Well, people grieve in their own ways.
Ah! I've got this family thing on Saturday that I kind of can't get out of.
OK, I'll go.
But remember, it's our last chance.
- Dinner, Diane! - Oh, I've gotta go.
Bye! And it's a f Well, date's still on.
- She's, ah, coming with me.
- That's awesome! Does she know it's a funeral? - No, she does not.
- I am sure that she'll figure it out as soon as she sees the dead body.
Argh! Rudolph? The guy from the photo.
Did I interrupt some weird ritual? Did you know that Grandma kept a lover the whole time she was married to Grandpa? - And she had a boyfriend? - Cool.
- I need some help with Diane.
- Is that the girl you keep trying to date but you always come home early? Well, I actually have a date with her on Saturday - kind of.
- But Saturday is the You're bringing her - to the funeral? - Yeah, I made a date and I can't break it and she's gonna hate me - for messing it up again.
- No.
This is the best possible thing that could've happened to you.
Funerals are the ultimate turn-on for girls.
- Really? - Yes.
They're practically a panty-peeler.
I think you're overselling this.
Girls love a guy who's vulnerable.
Your emotions will stir her emotions.
- She'll want to jump your bones.
- Cool! Thanks, Belinda! Oh, just make sure that you tell her where you're going.
There's no such thing as a 'surprise funeral'.
Where everyone hides in the dark "Surprise! It's a funeral!" Hey, mom! Looks like fun! - Is everything OK? - Of course! I'm amped for this funeral.
You're all over the map.
It's worrisome.
Plus, you look wild-eyed and crazy.
No, no, I was born to mourn.
- Hm, maybe you shouldn't go.
- No, I'm as calm as a cucumber.
- I can handle it.
- That's what you said about tennis camp and we all know how that ended.
Plus you cried all the way through the Lazer Zeppelin concert - after begging to go.
- I was a kid.
I was 15 years old! Please, I want to be there for the family.
OK, you can come.
Under one condition: you get yourself a new suit.
- And something dignified.
- Absolutely! - You look fantastic.
- Thanks.
- It's OK for what we're doing? - Yeah! - What are we doing? - Oh, yeah, this 'family thing' is sort of a tribute to my grandmother.
Is she getting some sort of award or? - Not as such.
- Is this a funeral? Ah Ah Yeah.
I didn't want to blow it with you again! Your grandma died and you didn't say anything until now? Well, you know men and their emotions.
I was so torn up about it.
I didn't want to break our date.
It was the only firm rock that I had to hold on to.
Well, when you say it like that So, what's with the silver suit? Oh, yeah, well, silver was my grandma's favourite colour.
And suit was her favourite clothes.
- Are you sure this is OK? - It's not really a funeral dress.
Yeah! Red was my Grandma's other favourite colour.
Woo! 210! I could lift that casket alone if I wanted to.
Hmm Hey Huh!? - You did your hair like hers.
- Do you like it? - Yeah, it looks good on you.
- I know! Are you OK? Yeah, I was just thinking about how she used to put her head in my lap and I'd rub her tummy 'til she fell asleep.
Rudolph? Oh, I'm so glad that you came! I read all your letters, they were so touching.
If, at times, racy Thank you for calling me after all these years, Harriet.
Oh, no, I'm Belinda.
I'm Harriet's granddaughter.
Harriet, you haven't changed a bit.
I don't know if I can do this.
Maybe I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am.
I'm here for you, whatever you need.
- M'kay? - What are you wearing? My father wore this at Vimy Ridge.
Doesn't actually own a suit, so I had to improvise.
- Where are the pallbearers? - They're over there.
Thank you.
Gentlemen, I'm afraid your services won't be needed.
How's it going? You're a bit confused.
I miss the days when we would walk into the wilderness, find a horse, and just get on and ride.
Oh great, you were horse-thieves.
Aw, I'm just so overwhelmed.
What can I do to make you feel better? I don't know Ian? Yeah, funerals make me sad too.
Say who's this funeral for, sweetie? Hey, Dad, you OK? Yeah, you know, she was a lot of things, Ian.
Loyal, obedient.
But mostly, she loved us.
- Yeah.
- You know, I'll never forget the pitter-patter of those tiny feet on the kitchen floor.
Or the reassuring sound or her drinking from the toilet bowl.
Wait, you're talking about Snowball.
Of course I'm talking about Snowball! Where the hell have you been? Sorry.
I wrote a speech for today.
Well, it's a poem actually and some of it is about Snowball.
Well, all of it is.
See you in there.
Argh.
Let's do it! I meant to compliment you on your neat dress, Diane.
Thank you.
I understand that Harriet liked red.
Hm, yeah, red, white, rosé.
She loved Whisky.
Mom, you have to help me.
That guy Rudolph thinks that I'm Grandma.
He's getting a little handsy.
Ooh, Mr.
Syklofsky! Look, I'm her mother Mildred? You're still alive! - Who is Mildred? - Harriet's mother.
Just go with it.
Yes.
Of course I am still alive.
- You look well.
- Don't try that polite thing with me! You stay away from my daughter or I will clip your pecker with a clothes peg.
I should have done it years ago! I'm going! I'm going! I never told anyone about the stolen money we buried.
Excuse me.
Ahem! Pardon me, pastor.
Excuse me.
That's better.
So my mom died.
But I guess you know that.
You know, it's funny.
When your mom dies, you're supposed to grieve for a year.
But when your dog dies, you don't even get the day off work.
So before I talk about my mother, I'd like to read a little something I wrote while I was driving around in my golf cart.
A loving heart that beats no more.
That cold, wet nose that warms my core.
I shall never get o'er my friend who used the doggy door.
Snowball passed away too soon.
We were a set like a fork and spoon.
And then it just says "Snowball" a few times Picture of her catching a frisbee.
- He didn't.
- He did.
If anybody needs me, I'll be on a long, slow drive around the parking lot.
It hit him! He's finally grieving Snowball's death.
It is now time to take Harriet to her final resting place.
- Pallbearers - Hey, hey, hey, hey! - We talked about this.
- Is he serious? It's just me, folks.
So bear with me.
Ooh! Oomph! O-K.
I'm good, good-good-good, don't touch me.
Ah! - Oh.
- Oh, dear God! No I'm can do this I can do this.
Aaah!! O-K! Aaah!! Ha ha ha! - I'm sorry I embarrassed you.
- No.
I have to say you're actually quite sexy when you're emotionally vulnerable.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
Honestly.
- At a funeral.
- Everyone grieves in their own way.
See, I told you, Ian.
Funerals make women excited.
Well we did it! First date without any trip to the hospital.
- That was the worst one yet.
- It was so bad it was good.
I kept thinking that Alan Funt was gonna pop out and tell me I was on Candid Camera.
So next Saturday - Really? - Only a guy who really likes me would put himself in so much trouble.
I'll see you.
Oh.
You think Dad's gonna be okay? He'll be fine.
It just takes him a while to grieve.
Grandma's death will hit him.
- Just give him six months.
- Mm.
Spud! Tell your mom you love her while there's still time! - OK, Mr.
McKay! - I love you, Mom! Aah! Are you sure that this is the right field? - Oh, with great certainty! - But you said that about the last field! Hmm Harriet, maybe if you give me a kiss, - I'll remember.
- Dammit, Rudy, we already tried that! It didn't work! You know what I think the problem is? When I buried the money, I was younger so it needs to be 20 youthful, vigorous paces from the tree.
You start.
- One.
Two.
- No, no, no, you have to walk like a young man! Just back from the war, the whole world at your feet.
Walk like you just found out your father was not your true father.
Walk like you just won 40 dirty acres of British Columbia from Farley Mowat.
Ah! You made me lose count! Remember, your legs were half as long back then.