Young Sheldon (2017) s01e17 Episode Script

Jiu-Jitsu, Bubble Wrap, and Yoo-hoo

1 ADULT SHELDON: In any ecosystem, you'll find a delicate balance between predator and prey.
Some well-known predators include Panthera leo, Ursus arctos, and star of the 1987 film Predator, Predator.
Now, examples of prey include Oryctolagus cuniculus, Gallus gallus domesticus, and weighing in at 58 pounds soaking wet, Diminutive homo novus Curiously, a close relative of Gallus gallus domesticus.
Two, three, four ["FIX ME" BY BLACK FLAG PLAYS] [KIDS SHOUTING] Fix me, fix my head Fix me please, I don't want to be dead LUIS: Cooper.
Your stop.
Would you mind dropping me off closer to my house? You know I'm not allowed to do that.
What if I did your taxes? Sorry, kiddo.
I could've gotten you a nice refund.
ADULT SHELDON: The perilous journey from the bus stop to my front door was 97.
5 meters.
FYI, insisting on using the metric system in East Texas is another reason I was hunted by predators.
[PANTING] Homo novus needs a Yoo-hoo.
Nobody else is stronger than I am Yesterday I moved a mountain I bet I could be your hero I am a mighty little man Jiu-jitsu? I've decided to learn self-defense.
- Why? - I'm quite small, and will be for several years, maybe even more if I'm a late bloomer.
Your dad's big, maybe you'll take after him.
We both like my mom.
I think that's where the similarities end.
You know, one of the books mentioned a Vietnamese martial art.
Vovinam.
I'm a blue belt.
- Wow.
- Don't be impressed.
It's what you get when your mom buys the uniform.
Do you remember any of it? I don't even know where the belt is.
The book says jiu-jitsu is based on using your attacker's momentum against them.
It's just physics.
Come at me.
Like, run at you? Well, I'm new to this, so maybe just walk quickly.
And what happens when I get to you? I'll use your inertia to take you down.
Okay.
Hit it It takes two to make a thing go right [GRUNTING] And when does inertia take me down? [STRAINING]: Any second.
I got an idea that I wanna share You don't like it, so what? I don't care I don't understand.
I'm using physics.
[GRUNTING] All of my followers 'cause all I want is respect This leg lock is called an Outside Ashi Garami.
What happens next? That depends, is this your foot or mine? It takes two to make it outta sight.
LUIS: Cooper.
Your stop.
[PANTING] Ahh.
I bowled a new high score last night.
Nice.
- I got two turkeys.
- What's a turkey? It's three strikes in a row.
Why do they call it a turkey? Well, when they first invented bowling, they used to just throw frozen turkeys at the pins.
Eventually, they switched to balls to cut down on the smell.
Why you lying to her? I find it keeps my mind sharp.
[CHUCKLES] Sheldon, breakfast! SHELDON: Be right there! MARY: Sheldon! Coming! [RUSTLING] Hello.
MARY: Shelly, you all right? Yes.
I must be a little sore from doing jiu-jitsu with Tam yesterday.
Why were you doing jiu-jitsu? We're boys.
Roughhousing is what we do.
[POPPING] - What was that? - What was what? That sound.
What sound? [POPPING] What's all this? An extra layer of protection.
Protection from what? Sweetie, is someone bothering you? - Yes.
- Who is it? I'd rather not talk about it.
No, I want a name right now.
Mary.
Have you been hurting him? Only with my words.
Tell me who it is, Shelly.
Mary, slow down.
Don't tell me to slow down.
- Someone is bullying him.
- Okay.
Okay.
Sheldon, you can't go to school wearing all that.
Go to your room and take it off.
Yes, sir.
[RUSTLING, POPPING] You go with him.
But my cereal's gonna get soggy.
- Go.
- [SIGHS] I'd like one nice morning.
Why aren't you more upset about this? I am.
I just think we should proceed with caution.
- Someone is hurting our son.
- I understand.
But handling bullies is tricky.
It It's easy to make things worse.
And what makes you the expert? Honey, I was a bully.
MEEMAW: He's right.
You get involved in this in the wrong way, and they'll take it out on Sheldon.
Well, I'm sorry, but I can't just stand by.
Georgie, I need to talk to you, and wake up, you're gonna be late.
Got it covered.
I slept in my clothes.
Oh, Lord.
Look, somebody has been picking on your brother.
You know anything about it? No.
You better not be covering for anybody.
I'm not.
Most kids at school ignore him, and the girls all think he's cute.
It's kind of annoying.
Well, I need you to look after him.
Why? Because I'm your mother, and I'm asking you nicely.
What if I don't want to? I don't care, you're doing it.
How was that nice? So there I was flying above the city, but when I woke up, I couldn't fly.
That's like the dream you had where you were dating Madonna, but when you woke up, you weren't.
Exactly.
You ever have the ones where your teeth are falling out? Better my teeth than my hair, but - Sheldon? - Over here.
- What are you doing? - Hiding.
From who? Is Billy the one giving you trouble? No.
His dad? No No.
She's a demon.
The little Sparks girl? You're kidding.
She seems so sweet.
He says she slaps him around, takes his lunch money.
She even put a tadpole down his shirt.
Poor kid, he tucks in those shirts.
- She looks harmless.
- She's cute.
So she probably gets away with stuff.
I'm like that.
I wonder if stray cats poop in that sandbox.
MARY: George.
You need to talk to her parents.
Me? Why me? Because you're more intimidating than me.
That's rich.
Hey, Billy.
Hello, Missy's dad.
- Is your father home? - Yes.
Could you get him for me? Happy to.
Dad, it's Missy's dad! He's also Sheldon's dad! HERSCHEL: Well, howdy, neighbor.
Hey, Herschel.
What brings you by? Chickens too loud? - Nah, they been fine.
- Good, good.
Fried up the noisy one last week.
That shut him up.
Anyway, how can I help? Uh, well It's come to my attention that, uh Sheldon's run into a bit of trouble with your daughter.
What kind of trouble? He says she been beating on him.
- My Bobbi? - Yeah.
This one? The six-year-old? Bobbi, get over here! You realize I've taken dumps bigger than this kid.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hey, babydoll, uh, Mr.
Cooper says that you've been picking on Sheldon.
- Now, is that true? - No, Daddy.
Are you sure? Okay, go wash up for dinner.
I don't know what to tell you, George.
I mean, is it, is it possible your son has a little crush on her? Oh, I don't think he's wired that way.
Oh, are you saying that he's a No, no, I'm saying he's a bookworm.
[CHUCKLES] Unless she's math or a dictionary, he ain't interested.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
Thanks for hearin' me out.
Your wife sent you over here, didn't she? - I don't want to talk about it.
- [CHUCKLES] I bet she did! Not talkin' about it! Tell her I said hi! [CHUCKLES] How'd it go? Uh, good.
Yeah.
I handled it.
Oh, thank the Lord.
Yeah.
Me and the Lord.
Team effort.
[WHIRRING] Hello, Bobbi.
You told on me.
Well, actually, my brother figured it out, so, technically, I would argue that I didn't.
Doesn't matter.
Uh, I should let you know, I've read a book on jiu-jitsu.
And I'm prepared to throw it at you.
[SCREAMING] Shelly, it's just Bactine.
Aah! I didn't even put it on you yet.
[SHUSHING SOFTLY] You want to tell me what happened? Bobbi Sparks came into the garage And she attacked you? Not exactly.
I tried to use jiu-jitsu on her, but I tripped and fell.
Aw, baby.
I'm so sorry you're havin' to deal with this.
It's okay.
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
" And do you feel stronger? No.
How are the knees? Better, thank you.
Good.
And regarding this jiu-jitsu stuff, you should know that a man's not supposed to raise his hand to a woman.
Oh, I won't.
I don't want to hurt myself again.
Did you ever have a bully when you were growing up? Have you met your grandma? I thought you said you handled it next door.
I did say that.
Where you goin'? To handle it.
[QUIETLY]: Should've been you in the first place.
What? Good luck! [DOOR SHUTS] Way to go, Scooby! That's my newshound! Missy, I could really use your help.
With what? I'm being bullied by Bobbi Sparks.
Hilarious.
Go on.
Madame Doo! That's me! Mom says a man should never raise his hand to a woman.
But I believe I've found a loophole.
You're a woman, so you're allowed to hit her as much as you want.
Why would I do that? Because I'm willing to pay you.
How much? My life savings, four dollars.
That's a good start.
Now, let's talk TV privileges.
What do you want? Complete control every afternoon for two months.
That's when Professor Proton is on.
I know.
Sucks for you.
[SIGHS] I'm on fire! [LAUGHS] Hello, Brenda.
Oh, hey, Mary.
How many lanes you need? Actually, I'm here to talk to you.
Seems that our kids are havin' a little problem.
Yeah.
Herschel told me.
Oh, good, good.
So, I was wondering what you're plannin' to do about it, 'cause the situation doesn't seem to be gettin' any better.
Well, if you haven't noticed, I'm at work right now.
I see that.
But you understand that your daughter's being abusive to my son.
Well, maybe your son needs to grow a pair.
And in due time, he will.
But right now, I expect you to teach your children how to behave.
Connie Tucker to the front desk, please.
Connie Tucker.
Why are you calling her? You say my daughter's harassing your son.
Well, her daughter's harassing me.
Hey, Mary.
- What are you doin' here? - Well, I was hopin' to have a rational conversation about Shelly, but there's only one person being rational.
[GRUNTS] Uh, and it ain't you.
Could you excuse us for just a minute? Do you understand that you are in the place where I socialize three to four days a week? So you care more about bowling than your grandson? Of course not.
I'm just saying maybe there's a better way to go about it.
Now, I'm warnin' you, Brenda is one mean I know you don't like bad language, but we are in a bowling alley One mean bitch.
Well, I can be mean, too.
Okay, you listen to me.
You get your kid in line or I What are you doing? Get out of here.
This is my place of business.
And now I see where your daughter gets it.
BRENDA: You know what? I have been nothin' but nice to you and your family since the day y'all moved in, and I'm over it.
Watching you walk around all holier than thou, like you're better than everyone else.
Well, guess what, you're not.
I'm gonna pray for you.
She says that to me all the time.
I'm not even sure she does it.
How'd it go? I don't want to talk about it.
[SNIFFS] Is that pine? We're not talkin' about it.
- [DOORBELL RINGS] - And you get that! Herschel.
Hey, George.
It has come to my attention that your wife went to speak with my wife at her place of work, - and, uh - She send you over here? Uh, the-the important thing is that I'm here to tell you that, uh, Mary's behavior was inappropriate.
You know, it's interesting.
When I came to your house, you were laughin', and now you're all serious.
Why is that? What do you say we go talk about this somewhere a little more comfortable? MARY [SHARPLY]: Who's at the door? [CHICKENS CLUCKING] Make yourself at home.
Oh, boy.
You hang out in here? Sure.
Once you get used to the smell, it's not so bad.
[CHUCKLES] I coach a high school football team.
This smells like petunias.
[LAUGHS] I like to take a break from the family and come out here and watch the games.
- Ooh! - [CHUCKLES] [MUSIC PLAYING] Your wife don't mind? She don't know.
She's scared to death of chickens.
- Is that right? - Once I found out, buildin' this coop was a no-brainer.
[LAUGHING] I sure did love You were gone so long.
How did it go? Well Two, please.
Billy? Why would I want lumpy tea? Isn't he pretty? Very pretty.
I feel pretty.
Girl, you know it's true My love I handled it.
Thank you so much.
We're family.
It's what we do.
[HERSCHEL AND GEORGE SR.
CHUCKLING] Listen, I'm sorry my wife went down to the bowling alley.
Please, I'm sorry Brenda made me come to your door.
I'm not.
This is the most fun I've had all week.
I-I feel bad about the whole thing with the kids.
Hey, it happens.
I know, but Bobbi shouldn't be beatin' on Sheldon like that.
- It's not okay.
- What's not okay is Sheldon gettin' beat up by a little girl.
Well Yeah.
[BOTH CHUCKLING] Look, I'll talk to Bobbi.
I don't know if it'll help, but I'll try.
- Hey, you're a good man.
- Mm.
Yeah, I-I should be headin' back.
Mm.
All right, well, look, come on by anytime.
Yeah.
You know, we should obably get our stories straight before we talk to our respective - mates.
- Sure.
What do you want to say? How 'bout this? We had words, it almost got ugly, but we came to an understanding.
- I like that.
- Yeah.
You want to take a swing at me? Make it look real? I have a freakishly high tolerance for pain.
No, no.
But you're sweet for offering.
- You have a good night.
- You, too, pal.
[CHUCKLES] BRENDA: Herschel! Where the hell are you?! Shh.
[QUIETLY]: I built a hidey-hole under here, but there's only room for one of us.
Where is that fat dumbass? Believe it or not, that means I'm gettin' lucky tonight.
Y'all have an odd relationship.
Love is a mysterious thing.
BRENDA: Herschel! ADULT SHELDON: Existing in a world of predators isn't easy, but we prey have developed several natural defenses to help us survive.
There's playing dead, - warning calls, camouflage - [BICYCLE BELL RINGS] and, last but certainly not least, good old-fashioned running away.
[SCREAMING] A little screaming never hurts either.