Young Sheldon (2017) s03e07 Episode Script

Pongo Pygmaeus and a Culture that Encourages Spitting

- Previously on Young Sheldon - Excuse me.
- You Coach Ballard? - That'd be me.
My daughter's here to try out.
Come on, I'm not gonna put a girl on my team.
Why not? She's got pigtails.
You're not even gonna give her a chance? No.
Can I talk to you? Yeah.
You tell my granddaughter she can't play baseball? Well, I was just looking out for her, that's all.
Well, we don't need you deciding what's best for her.
Or what? Or you and me are gonna have problems.
- We're back! - How'd it go? She made the team.
Congratulations! And Meemaw got a date with the coach.
- What? - It was a productive afternoon.
You sure you don't want me to stay? You promised you'd take me to RadioShack.
Sheldon, this is a big day for your sister.
I'm fine, Dad.
Come on.
I really don't want to go to RadioShack.
- Dale.
- Hey, Missy.
Why don't you get out there and start warming up? Okay.
And you must be Sheldon.
Your grandmother told me all about you.
We're going to RadioShack.
Yeah, she didn't lie.
George, I figure we kind of got off on the wrong foot the other day.
- Don't worry about it.
- Well, I do worry about it.
I-I'd like to take you out for a beer, if that would be okay.
It appears Meemaw told him about you, too.
Sounds great.
- Have a good practice.
- Thank you.
It's nice that you're going to socialize - with Meemaw's new boyfriend.
- I know.
She's gonna hate it.
Hey, Clark.
Today's the day.
It's in the back.
I'll go get it.
What's he getting? A direct-connect 300 baud modem.
How much? Don't worry, I'm using my allowance.
Plus, Clark gave me a healthy discount for helping with his application to medical school.
What's a modem do? It allows me to connect my computer to other computers that also have one.
Why would you need to do that? So I can share my scientific ideas with academics all over the world.
It's like the cybernetic version of the Algonquin Round Table.
I don't know what that means.
That's okay, you're still my dad and I'm genetically obligated to love you.
Missy, how was practice? So good.
Tell us everything.
The boys were a little mean at first, but I handled it.
Can I warm up with you? I don't play baseball with girls.
Really? Your friend's playing with one.
Ooh! I am so proud of you.
Well, I'm glad you all had a good day.
Not just them.
Guess who I'm grabbing a beer with.
Your new friend, Dale.
Are you kidding me? You were right, she's not happy.
We're gonna do a little combination here.
Here we go.
Ready and out, in, up, down Out, in, up, down.
Hi, Georgie.
It's Lisa, from English class.
Oh, hey.
What's up? I was wondering if you could help me with our homework.
Crap, we have homework? You're so funny.
I think so.
Most people don't.
What's that noise? No idea.
Georgie, I need you to get off the phone.
Hang on, Lisa.
I'm helping someone with their English homework.
I don't have time for jokes.
I need the phone line to connect my modem.
What the hell's a modem? It links my computer to an interconnected web of other computers in order to facilitate the exchange of ideas.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.
Sadly, that was not the stupidest thing he ever said.
Lift, lift, squeeze it.
Have you tried the meatballs here? They are fantastic.
I haven't.
But speaking of meatballs, I hear you're gonna hang out with my son-in-law.
You don't like that at all.
No, it's fine with me.
I hope you all go out and - have a grand old time.
- Oh.
Yeah, well, what's the matter? You afraid I'm gonna find out all your secrets? Calm down.
You're enjoying this a little too much.
Enjoying it? I'm loving it.
Look how mad you're getting.
Come on, what's he got on you? Did you do some jail time? Were you a go-go dancer? Hmm.
Have you got a tattoo in a naughty place? Can I see it? Ooh! Someone responded to a theory I posted on the physics bulletin board.
He called my work flawed.
That's rude.
Let him know he can't push you around.
That's what I did at baseball practice.
I'd rather not resort to name-calling.
It usually gets me stuffed somewhere uncomfortable.
That's in person, where people know you're pathetic and weak.
That's true.
This is completely anonymous.
I can say whatever I want without fear of physical retaliation.
And on that day, my sister created the first Internet flame war.
Ooh, that is as cruel as it is grammatical.
And send.
I tried to call you last night; the phone was busy.
Oh, yeah, that was Sheldon.
Sheldon has friends he talks on the phone with? Well, his computer was talking to another computer.
And the world makes sense again.
Just a reminder, I'm gonna be late tonight.
Hanging with my new buddy Dale.
Well, I hope you two have fun together.
Oh, we will.
So much to talk about.
You better respect her privacy.
Oh, I don't plan on doing that at all.
Don't you need to go to work? Yes, but I don't want to leave until I know you're upset.
Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not.
Yeah, you are.
It's just so easy.
All you do is type in the Usenet address: "sci dot theory dot physics dot research dot quantum.
" Press enter, and it comes right up.
In WarGames, Matthew Broderick almost blew up the world.
The only thing I'm gonna be blowing up is this fellow's flimsy argument.
That was one of my classic jokes; feel free to laugh.
See? Like magic.
Uh, why are you dressed like a boy? I made the baseball team.
Oh, so you are a boy.
Get out, I need to change.
- You seem upset.
- I am.
I was right? Good for me.
Just get out.
You get picked on all the time.
How do you deal with it? Who's picking on you? It doesn't matter, just tell me.
I usually start by telling myself how much smarter I am than the person who's picking on me, but that won't work for you.
Missy? What? Sometimes I imagine that I'm an ion with a positive charge and they're an ion with a negative charge.
It's so that whatever they say bounces off me and sticks to them.
Hi, Georgie.
I like that jacket.
Then you'll probably like my pants; they're made of the same stuff.
Well, see you in class.
Hey, Georgie.
What's up? We're-we're friends, right? Yeah.
We're just friends? What do you mean? Well, I've asked you out a bunch and you've made it pretty clear you weren't interested, but before I asked out another girl, I just wanted to make sure that It's fine.
You sure? Because if it's not Georgie, I need to focus on my relationship with God right now, but I'm really happy for you.
Well, guess I'll see you around.
Well, I-I was married for 18 years and I got to tell you, those were the two best years of my life.
What's it like, you know, being single at your age? Why, you thinking about it? No, no, everything's fine.
- Happily married, just, uh, just curious.
- Yeah Come on, now.
She's not here.
Well, to answer your question, it's just great.
See, I get to wander around my house in my underwear, and I can make whatever bodily noises I choose whenever I choose.
I do that now.
Well, then, you got yourself a keeper.
So how'd you wind up coaching baseball? Well, with the sporting goods store, you know, I've sponsored a couple of teams, and then this year, my grandson wanted to play, so it lets me spend more time with him.
That's nice.
Yeah, I coach my son in football.
Sheldon? Oh, God, no.
Can you imagine? - You really scared me there for a second.
- Yeah.
- So you're dating my mother-in-law.
- Oh, no.
Now, did she send you here on a fact-finding mission? No.
No, I-if anything, she's worried I'm gonna tell you things about her.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Well, I tell you what, why don't we get another drink and let's get to it? Would you get this man a bucket of beer here, please? I'm sorry those girls were so mean.
They didn't just call me a boy.
They wouldn't sit with me at lunch.
No one talked to me at recess.
Aw, baby.
Somebody crossed out "Missy Cooper" in my notebook and wrote "Mister Cooper.
" Well, if that's what they're like, maybe you don't want them as friends.
I don't think I want to play baseball anymore.
If that's what you want, it's your decision.
Hello? I heard your daughter's playing baseball.
Hey, Brenda.
What were you thinking? Excuse me? My Billy's on that team.
Baseball's for boys.
Says who? Says everyone.
It's not ladylike.
Save some pudding for your father! Aw.
Okay, where was I? You were telling me what was ladylike and then yelled at your son like a dock foreman.
Listen, I'm just doing you a favor.
The other moms on the team are starting to talk.
Well, maybe the other moms need to mind their own business.
Come on, Mary.
Isn't one weird kid in your family enough? You going for a record? You're playing baseball.
But you said it was my decision.
It is.
And you're playing.
- There you are.
- Oh, yeah.
Connie's great.
You can have a beer with her, watch a football game, joke around.
She doesn't mind if you swear.
In fact, that woman's got a mouth on her.
- I have noticed that.
- Yeah.
You know, I just realized something.
I got more in common with my mother-in-law than I do my own wife.
That's kind of creepy.
Let's hope the beer does its job and I don't remember this tomorrow.
Well, hey, tell me something about this guy she was seeing.
The scientist.
- Really? A scientist? - Yeah, not with test tubes; more with arithmetic, thinking and stuff.
- Uh-huh.
A physicist.
- There you go.
Nice enough fella.
Always reminded me of that cartoon owl in the Tootsie Pop commercials.
Well, why'd they break up? Uh, you know.
You know, things happen.
What things? - Eh - Come on, now.
At least tell me if there's something I need to worry about.
Oh, no.
Connie's rock solid.
Unless you put on a little weight.
- Then you will hear about it.
- Ah.
Uh, you want to switch to light beer? Hey.
I may have boobs, but I'm still a man.
Well, I never.
Hello? I'm having a scientific argument with someone and I need your help.
I do love a good science fight.
Has it devolved to name-calling yet? Yes.
I called him a Pongo pygmaeus.
Oh! A Bornean orangutan.
That is a creature who would be very bad at science.
Well done.
I know.
So how can I help? I posted a theory on the collapse of wave function.
We've been arguing back and forth and he's saying that my probabilities come out negative.
I see.
Have you considered that negative probabilities can still have meaning? Ooh, I hadn't.
That suggests another idea.
I can argue that negative probabilities only show up in intermediate steps.
I'm gonna destroy him with this.
And when you do, feel free to call him a Scarabaeus viettei, a dung beetle.
Oh, I so admire your mind.
Back at you, little man.
Can I top off your coffee? Well, that's awfully nice of you.
You know me.
I'm a pleaser.
You just want to know what I talked about with Dale.
Not really.
I promise you got nothing to worry about.
I didn't say a thing.
Thank you.
So what'd you find out about him? Oh, I see how this works.
You're damn straight that's how it works.
Now spill.
Well, let's see.
Uh, he likes to drink, likes to hunt.
Uh, he's got a son who's divorced.
I know all this.
Go on.
That's all I got.
You are useless.
When he comes to his senses and dumps you, - I'm gonna stay friends with him.
- Good.
If he dumps me, he deserves to suffer.
Hey, Dale.
Hey, George.
So, uh, she gonna be okay out there? Well, I talked to the other coach.
The boys are gonna leave her alone.
Hey, Billy! You're supposed to be warming up.
I found a worm! Do you want to coach a baseball team? You praying? I'm asking the Lord to watch over my little girl.
Well, while you're at it, ask Him for a win.
I got money on this.
You bet on a kids' baseball game? I got three to one odds.
Thanks to Dr.
Sturgis, I had all the intellectual ammunition I needed to bring my opponent to his knees.
I accused him of conflating two different interpretations of quantum theory, woefully misrepresenting Paul Dirac, and when I called him a dung beetle in Latin, I was so riled up, I almost started producing testosterone.
Here she comes.
This is it.
Go get 'em.
- Let's go, Missy! - Go get 'em, Missy! Ball.
- Whoa.
- Oh! Dear Lord.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold it.
It happens.
She's okay.
Brush it off, Missy! Ball.
Whoa! - What the hell? - Son of a bitch.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey.
Hold it.
We talked about this.
Cooper! Ah, well, here we go.
Eat dirt.
Eat it.
Kick his ass! Does it taste good? Huh? Yeah, listen to your meemaw.
Kick his ass! You gonna cry? Huh? Do it.
Do something.
Break it up.
H-Hang on.
She's winning.
Missy! Missy Cooper, you stop beating up that boy! Punch him in the nuts! Ooh, the long-awaited rebuttal.
"While I still believe my theory has merit, I will concede that your point has some validity.
" My point has some validity.
My point has some validity! Yes! That day, both my sister and I emerged victorious from savage battles.
Hers fought with fists, mine with words.
What does my point have? Some validity! Although we were both pretty sore the next day.
Ejected from your very first game.
I'm proud of you, slugger.
Thanks, Dad.
- Dairy Queen's on me.
- To be clear, we are not rewarding violence.
But I am glad you didn't let those girls from school bully you into quitting.
I should rub their faces in the dirt.
That's my girl.
Someone's getting extra sprinkles tonight.
Ooh, hooray for violence.