Young Sheldon (2017) s03e13 Episode Script

Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Previously on Young Sheldon Dr.
Sturgis will be joining us for dinner.
I thought he was in the nuthouse.
We do not call it that.
That's what Dad calls it.
For starters, do not bring up his time in the hospital.
In The Shining, Jack Nicholson goes nuts and chases people around with an ax.
When them elevator doors opened, oh, man.
- Strike! - Yeah! All right, Missy! Humiliate that boy! Shelly, why don't you put your book down and watch your sister play? It's getting exciting.
It looks like everyone's just standing there.
There's two outs, bases are loaded, a-and the winning run's on second.
But if Missy throws one more strike, they'll win.
And then we can go home? That is exciting.
Ball three! Full count! Hold on.
Time! What are you doing down there? Pray for her.
On it.
What the heck's going on? I'm gonna lose the game.
Everyone's gonna hate me.
Listen to me.
Just throw the ball over the plate.
This guy's not gonna swing.
Yes, he will.
He's their best hitter.
Now, you trust me, all right? He is looking to walk.
He doesn't want to strike out against a girl.
You sure? Absolutely.
Just throw it across the plate.
He will not swing.
- Okay.
- Come on.
Wipe your nose.
That a girl.
Now, you got this.
Come on, Missy! He can't hit! You can do it! Play ball! Strike three! That's my girl! Oh, my gosh.
You said he wasn't gonna swing! I lied.
Hey, we won! Let's get pizza! Come on! Oh, hey.
Thank you.
Everybody, dig in.
Fun fact: did you know that pizza is only one of many Mediterranean flatbreads? You talking to me? Shelly, this is Mr.
Ballard's first time eating with us.
Let's make sure it's not his last.
Does a family meal mark an escalation in your romantic relationship? That's a good question.
Does it? You know what? Why don't you go sit at the kid table with your sister? Where do I begin? They're loud, they're sweaty from sports Get.
Hey, Sheldon, if your pizza's too hot, put ice on it.
That's what I did.
So, George, how do I convince this one to come fishing with me next weekend? I told you, nobody's gonna see this face after a night in a tent.
You don't want that mug scaring the fish.
Where you going? - Lake Conroe.
- Ooh.
Great spot for catfish.
Well, then, why don't you come along? You can even bring Georgie if you want to.
That'd be fun.
That sounds fun.
Uh, Mary, you mind if I go? A bed all to myself? - Bye.
- Ah.
It's a plan.
You got to remember to hoist your food up into the trees so this one can't get it.
- Very funny.
- You make fun of my face, I'm gonna have to make fun of your enormous, bear-like body.
So, how are you enjoying your first meal with our family? Well, everybody's mean.
I love it.
George? John here.
I'm calling to confirm a time for beer and socializing this weekend.
Oh, damn.
I forgot we had plans.
Um I'm actually going camping.
I'm real sorry.
Uh, the invitation kind of came up last minute.
You may not know this, but, um, I love camping.
- Really? - Oh, yes.
I spent a year backpacking through Asia.
I mean, I'd invite you along, but it's not really my trip.
I'm going with Connie's friend Dale.
Not a problem.
I'll just hang out with another friend this weekend.
I just need to make one first.
Hey, Dale.
It's George.
About this weekend, uh, we're gonna have to bow out.
Why? Everything okay? Yeah.
Yeah, I just forgot I made plans with a friend, and I feel bad canceling last minute.
Oh, hey, can we Does he like camping? Bring-bring him along.
Uh, y That might be a little weird.
It-it's Connie's ex.
Boy, he didn't impress me as a camping type.
Uh, well, actually, he was hinting around about going.
Claims to be an outdoorsman.
Really? Oh, hey, I'd like to see that.
- Bring him along.
- You sure? Yeah.
Hell, if we get caught in a freak snowstorm, he'll be the first one we eat.
Be like an appetizer.
Why can't I go fishing? It's a boys' weekend.
Then why isn't Sheldon going? - Do you hear yourself? - Do you? Well, since they get to do something fun, why can't we? Ooh, Chuck E.
That place is a nightmare.
Something that could be fun is the Museum of - No.
- Let him finish.
We already heard "museum.
" It's not gonna get better.
The Museum of the American Railroad.
Oh, yeah, that's worse.
Suddenly, camping with Dr.
Sturgis doesn't seem so bad.
Uh, excuse me camping with who? Whoa.
Dale didn't mention it? No.
I'm guessing John didn't mention it.
- No.
- Hmm.
And when were you gonna mention it? Oh, I was never gonna mention it.
So John, I hear you're going camping this weekend.
I am.
With the guy I'm dating.
I know.
It was so nice of him to let me tag along.
And don't you think that's gonna be a little awkward? No more awkward than any other social situation I find myself in.
I'm making my, uh, homemade GORP: good old raisins and peanuts.
I'll have to give you the recipe.
I think I can figure it out.
Listen, I want to warn you about Dale.
He's kind of a guy's guy.
Sometimes his sense of humor can be a little mean-spirited.
Just don't let it hurt your feelings.
Well, you don't have to worry about me.
We physicists are no strangers to smack talk.
I once told Dr.
Linkletter he wouldn't know a randomized trial if it crawled up his sphincter.
Do not be a jerk to John.
Oh, why would I be a jerk? You're gonna be camping.
You're gonna be in the woods.
You're gonna be drinking.
You're a jerk without any of that.
Don't worry.
I know how to get along with people.
Knowing how and doing it are two different things.
Okay, okay.
I-I'll be nice.
Thank you.
To your goofy little friend.
That's Dale.
We're gonna head out.
Here's some coffee for the road.
- Thanks.
- Make sure your dad doesn't drink too many beers.
You're funny.
And make sure your son doesn't drink any beers.
Got it.
I'll finish 'em all.
Let's go.
Be safe.
Have fun.
Oh, I'm free.
This sure is a sweet setup.
Well, now, thank you very much.
This thing is nicer than our house.
It's not nicer than our house.
Well, don't be too sure now.
I got microwave and air-conditioning.
I got a stack of old Playboys back there in the bathroom.
Okay, maybe.
Hey, there's John up here on the right.
Are you sure that's not a garden gnome? Missy, how would you feel if there were somewhere just like Chuck E.
Cheese, but instead of pizza and ball pits, there was locomotives and placards explaining their history? That's just the museum.
I didn't think she'd see through that.
So, Johnny, that's quite the outfit you got on there.
I just got one question.
Where do the merit badges go? Because I look like a Boy Scout? Yeah, that's kind of the joke there.
Well, I accept your jocular insult as a token of bonding.
Well, if you like that one, how about this? Uh, I haven't seen legs that white since Hey.
Why don't we talk about something else? George, it's all right.
You don't need to protect me.
I can take it, and I can dish it right back.
Oh, yeah? Well, bring it on, babe.
It would help if I knew a little more about you.
Were you, by chance, a bed wetter? I know it's been a while, but I really have to talk to you.
I understand you might not want to hear about my dating life, but if you hadn't died, I wouldn't be in this situation.
So this is on you.
- How about a movie? - How about the planetarium? That's like a movie, where you can see real stars instead of, I don't know, Gene Kelly? We're never gonna agree.
Let's just do rock, paper, scissors.
Anecdotal evidence suggests that players familiar with each other will tie 75% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes.
Well, what if we added a few more choices? Like, rock, paper, scissors, candy, pony.
Now you're just being silly.
But your idea of a winner-takes-all competition is a good one.
We just need to come up with something that is fair to both of us.
What if we list all the spices in Mom's spice rack alphabetically? I'll go first.
Black pepper.
We're not playing the spice game.
So now I have these two guys in my life.
And I know that might sound like bragging, but at my age, if you are single and not hooked to an oxygen tank, you got to swat 'em away.
I'm still pissed at you for dying.
I'm not gonna just sit at home and miss you.
I mean, you wouldn't want that.
You'd want me to go out and have fun, right? Take your time, think about it.
Damn, John.
Three already? What are you using for bait? I made it myself.
It's, uh, cheese, garlic and a little bit of pig brains.
Pig brains? Where the hell you get pig brains? From the butcher.
But you get some odd looks when you ask for it.
You get odd looks? Oh, I find that hard to believe.
Like this.
I think he's pulling your leg, John.
Oh, I see.
Meaning I get odd looks all the time.
That's funny.
Well, if anyone wants to try my bait, uh, you're welcome to.
- Sure.
- Yeah, I'll give her a go.
Dale? No, I think I know how to fish, John.
Really? 'Cause it doesn't look like it.
Well, maybe that's because all your talking is scaring the fish away.
Evidence suggests your theory is incorrect.
Well, evidence suggests I need another beer.
Not that bad.
Oh, that's nice.
You decided to stay home and play a game? Nope.
We're inventing a new game, and the winner gets to pick what we do today.
We had to find a way to make sure that it's completely fair to both of us.
So we made a list of 20 challenges that combine stuff we're both good at.
Whoever wins each challenge gets to take a block and put it on top of their tower.
Whoever's tower reaches the height of this rocket first wins.
Okay, I will leave you to it.
"And finally, both parties agree the loser will do the activity selected by the winner graciously, without complaint.
For the purpose of this agreement, a complaint is defined as any disparaging comment, eye rolls or name calling, including but not limited to: 'dingus, ' 'fartbreath' and 'buttwipe.
'" Can we just sign it and play? I've signed my name.
Feel free to draw an "X.
" I know how to write my name, Sheldon.
Damn it, I wrote "Sheldon.
" So, Dale is fun.
Kind of a good old boy.
Reminds me a bit of you.
He gets on my nerves.
So he kind of reminds me of you.
And John's not anything like you.
He's not anything like anyone.
Maybe that's why I keep thinking about him.
Fun fact: in Finland, they make a fire that's two long logs sitting on top of each other with a wedge of wood in between to let the air flow through.
That's your idea of fun, is it? Mind if I grab a beer? - I'm not your father.
- Hold on.
This young man's underage.
- So? - So the laws of Texas are pretty clear on the subject.
Oh, what a surprise.
There's one more thing you know more about than everybody else.
I don't know why you're surprised.
I don't know why you're here.
I'm just gonna stick with Dr Pepper.
Why don't you get some more firewood, Georgie? Thank you.
I'm here because my friend George invited me.
Well, your friend George invited you because he felt sorry for you.
You know, Connie warned me you might behave like this, and she-she was right.
I don't know why the hell she ever went out with you.
Well, she did, and we got along famously.
Until you broke up with her after you got out of Out of what? Say it! Never mind.
Piddled on my shoe.
What'd I miss? So enough about me.
How about you? You got your wings yet, or is that just in the movies? It's a Wonderful Life.
That's one of my favorites.
Ah, sorry.
I didn't see you.
I'll keep it down.
No, it's all right.
I, uh talk to my wife all the time.
I'm Kenneth.
This is Vanessa.
This is Charlie.
I'd introduce them, but they're neighbors.
They probably know each other.
Well, if he complains about someone snoring, I'm sure it's her.
I didn't bury him with his hearing aid, so he's fine.
Well, you know what? I'll, um I'll come back in a few minutes, and let you finish your chat.
Really nice meeting you, Connie.
You, too.
You see? Got to swat 'em away.
Each player alternates naming a state while Hula-Hooping.
The first player who can't name a state or drops the Hula-Hoop loses.
Ready, set, go.
Darn it.
So I won? Yes.
'Cause I was just gonna say "Texas" again.
One, two, three, four.
I declare a thumb war.
Hey, that was some good catfish.
Real good.
I'm no longer enjoying this outing, so I'm going home.
- See ya.
- H-Hang on, Dale.
John, y wait, you can't just leave.
We're in the middle of nowhere.
Not a problem.
I have my compass, a flashlight and half a bag of GORP.
No, wait, wait.
- Please.
- Let him go, George.
You want to tell Connie you lost her old boyfriend in the woods? Well, he's a grown man for crying out loud.
Let him do what he wants.
Well, that's an argument for me having a beer.
Shut up.
Come on, Dale.
Do the right thing.
Tell him to stay.
John? Oh, damn.
John! Boy, for a little guy, he's fast, ain't he? I win.
You can't set it that way.
Does it say that in the rules? Well, no.
And is this your signature? Yes, but Mom, we're going to Chuck E.
Cheese! We're not going anywhere.
It's almost your bedtime.
Sorry, hon.
Well, all that matters is that I'm the winner.
Yes, you are.
Actually, I was the winner.
We spent the whole day doing everything I love: drafting contracts, arguing about rules, and most importantly, never leaving the house.
- Come on.
- I don't want to.
Just one more time.
Rock, paper, scissors, candy, pony! Rock trips pony.
I win.
How do you keep winning? You keep picking pony.
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