Young Sheldon (2017) s04e05 Episode Script

A Musty Crypt and a Stick to Pee On

[adult Sheldon.]
Previously on Young Sheldon All right.
Let me start by saying that I owe you an apology.
I want you to know that I'm trying to change.
- What do you want from me? - One more chance.
Thanks again for giving me another shot.
Well, I'm trying to get better at forgiving people.
Well, I'm glad to hear you say that.
'Cause I'm the one who egged your store last night.
Forgiving people sucks.
- Should we say grace? - Heck, yeah.
Oh, cool.
Let's say grace.
- [Georgie.]
Well? - It's very colorful.
Check out the best part.
Wanna try it out? [adult Sheldon.]
As long as I can remember, unlocking the mechanisms that govern the physical universe was my greatest passion.
- What you working on? - Dungeons & Dragons.
Hey, even Hawking took a roll through the park once in a while.
I'm working on a new campaign to play with Tam and Billy.
- You know how I feel about that game.
- I'm aware.
Which is why the most wicked thing in it is my sense of humor.
- [doorbell rings.]
- [sighs.]
I still don't like it, but you are playing with other kids, so I'll take it as a win.
[adult Sheldon.]
Notjust playing with other kids.
Controlling every aspect of their destiny as their Dungeon Master overlord.
I didn't believe in God, but I sure loved acting like one.
- Hey, Mary.
- Wayne, come on in.
Thank you.
George just ran to pick up some beers.
It's funny when he runs, ain't it? Oh, hey, Darlene wanted to know if you were gonna pack anything nice to wear.
- For what? - The coaches' conference.
I wasn't going to that.
Darlene's going? A free weekend in San Antonio? [laughs.]
A hotel on the river? Of course she's going.
- Did George not invite you? - No.
He didn't.
- Honestly - [door opens.]
what is wrong with that man? Game time.
What? Mom's just mad I'm playing Dungeons & Dragons.
Oh, good.
[theme song playing.]
I didn't know he was bringing his wife.
And of course it didn't even occur to you to ask me? Well, no.
But isn't that better than thinking about it and then not doing it? They both make you a jerk.
Since when are you interested in a coaches' conference? I am interested in a weekend at a nice hotel by a river.
Hotel is pretty nice.
- What's up? - Watching the game with your dad.
Where is he? - Getting yelled at by your mom.
- Cool.
Any chance you might wanna watch the kids this weekend? - Sure.
No problem.
- Good.
I thought you and Dale might have plans.
We might hang out, but That's fine.
Something going on? Mmm-mmm.
Sounds like something.
Well, he's trying to be a better person and it's weird.
- Weird how? - Just doesn't seem natural.
I don't follow.
Like when you see a dancing bear at the circus, and you know it just wants to rip some clown's head off.
- That's graphic.
- Where y'all going? George has a coaches' conference in San Antonio.
Ah, and you weaseled your way in.
Good for you.
- I didn't weasel.
- So it was his idea? Not exactly.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a weasel.
[rock music playing on radio.]
- Getting ready for your trip? - Yep.
Dale told me you were taking his camper.
Gonna head down with Wayne and his wife.
Just out of curiosity, when exactly are you and Mom leaving, and when exactly are y'all coming back? You're not bringing your girlfriend here.
Excuse me for taking an interest in your life.
Besides, your grandma will be here the whole time.
Never mind.
So her house will be empty? Look, I used to be your age.
But can you try thinking with your brain for once? If you used to be my age, I think you know the answer to that.
All right, baby.
We're leaving here in a few minutes, but we'll be back on Sunday, and your Meemaw will be here.
- Sheldon? - What? - We're leaving.
- Where are you going? - To San Antonio.
- When are you leaving? - In a few minutes.
- When will you get back? - Sunday.
- But who's going to watch us? - Meemaw.
- Okay.
Can you at least give me a hug? I can.
Just finishing up.
See you again soon.
- How you doing? - All right, I guess.
Dale here? He went to go hang out with my Meemaw.
Who, by the way, is at my house all weekend, so that's a no-go.
What do you wanna do later? Movies? Putt-putt? I was thinking maybe we could go get a test.
- What kinda test? - The pregnancy kind.
We're closed.
- But the sign says - We're closed.
[sighs with dismay.]
This can't be happening.
How sure are you? I'm not sure.
That's why I wanna get the test.
- Well, you don't look pregnant.
- That's not how it works, Georgie.
I know.
I'm just freaking out right now.
- Let's just go to the drugstore.
- Right.
- I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
- Please don't say that.
So, you've stayed at this hotel before? Oh, yeah.
It's nice.
They got an indoor pool, killer breakfast buffet.
There's even a real nice gym I walk right past on the way to the breakfast buffet.
Why didn't you tell me there was a pool? I would have brought my bathing suit.
Hotels have pools.
Didn't think I needed to mention it.
Well, it would have been nice if you did.
They also have beds in the rooms.
Did you remember your pajamas? Okay.
You don't have to act like that.
You don't need to blame me 'cause you forgot your bathing suit.
Well, I guess we're not going in the pool.
Maybe you're not.
I packed my suit.
Are you gonna behave like this all weekend? Responsible and fun-loving? Probably.
You are such a monkey butt.
Come on.
There's gotta be a more insulting name you can call me.
I am sure there is, but they're about to get in and they do not need to hear us arguing.
Whoo-whee! [laughs.]
- Hey, Mary.
- Darlene, good to see you.
- Hey.
George, how's it going? - Good, good.
We were definitely not arguing ten seconds ago.
I figured we'd order pizza.
- Okay.
- What do you want on it? Everything except onions, green peppers, mushrooms, spinach No vegetables.
Got it.
- How about a little salad, too? - If you like wasting money.
Spoken like a true Texan.
- So, what's Sheldon like? - A pain in the ass.
He means what does Sheldon like on his pizza.
Sheldon, what do you want on your pizza? - Still glad you came? - Actually, I am.
- I don't want any pizza.
- See? Pain in the ass.
Well, we can get something else.
I don't want anything.
I'm not hungry.
Well, what's the matter? My friends were supposed to play Dungeons & Dragons with me, but they canceled.
Aw, I'm sorry.
- We could play with you.
- Really? Dale, that's nice, but I don't think you'll like it.
- Afraid I might beat you? - Actually, there's no one winner.
It's a cooperative game where you use your imagination to explore a fantasy world with the help of the Dungeon Master's pre-planned scenarios and the rolling of polyhedral dice.
- Still sound fun? - Yeah.
Sort of.
I got it.
- Anybody see you? - No.
And I didn't recognize the guy behind the counter but I used an Italian accent just in case.
- Please tell me you're joking.
- [Italian accent.]
Oh, I'm-a no joking.
- Oh, God.
- Here.
Do it.
I can't do it here.
I have to pee on it.
Okay, fine.
Although we've done crazier stuff in this truck.
By the way, I made reservations tonight at that steak house on the River Walk.
Ooh, fancy.
Oh, yeah.
Nothing says fancy like a two-pound slab of meat.
Oh, shoot.
I didn't pack my dress shoes.
See, George? It might be helpful if you mentioned some of these things ahead of time.
Here we go.
Wayne's always doing stuff like this.
I'm glad to know it's not just us.
That's why I packed his shoes last night.
You did? Baby, you're the best.
Well, how can I be the best when you are? It is just us.
So how does this work? You start by creating your character.
I wanna be a Ninja Turtle Princess of Power.
Put me down for that, too.
You have to choose from one of the character classes.
There's Thief, Druid, Paladin, Wizard - The Wizard.
I want that.
- All right.
Then I'll use my magic to turn me into a Ninja Turtle Princess of Power.
- No.
- Wait What's a Paladin? A Paladin is a holy knight who crusades in the name of good.
- I like that.
I wanna be that.
- Really? Yeah.
I've been meaning to do more crusading in the name of good.
You say you got Thief on that list? I'll be a Thief.
That sounds like fun.
Okay, I think I got it.
It takes ten minutes for the results.
- You want me to go in with you? - To watch me pee on a stick? I'm being supportive right now.
You could try the same.
[heart beating loudly.]
I'm pregnant.
You sure I'm not too heavy? No.
I got it.
I guess it's time to do what people do on their wedding night.
Georgie, we're gonna be parents.
We don't do that anymore.
Besides, my water just broke all over your bed.
Dad gum it.
Stop having fun and help me take care of these babies.
But I just got home from my day job.
And I only have ten minutes to my night job.
That's ten minutes you could be helping.
Now go change whichever this one is.
Georgie, there's a band called Guns N' Roses on the phone.
- Really? - Yeah.
The guitarist hurt his hand, and they want you to fill in.
- Tell them I can't.
I'm a dad now.
- Okay.
This is a long ten minutes.
Ooh, this camper is so cool.
We borrowed it from my mom's boyfriend.
Yeah, you might not want to poke around too much.
You find my mother-in-law's bra, I'm driving into a brick wall.
Maybe we get one of these.
Spend our summers driving around, just the two of us.
That sounds amazing.
- Where would we go first? - Does it even matter? We don't even have to take it out the driveway.
You got that right.
- Can you guys not do that? - Do what? Be so happy.
You're married.
Act like it.
- How do you put up with him? - It's a good question.
- What's your secret? - [both.]
Oh, God.
Well? - I'm not.
- Really? - We're good.
- Thank God.
- What a relief.
- I know.
We better stop hugging or you're gonna need another stick to pee on.
You enter a dark and musty crypt.
Torches along the walls fill the room with a flickering light.
In the center of the room is a mysterious, glowing chest.
- What do you do? - I open the chest.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's a chest in the middle of a crypt.
It's a little suspicious, don't you think? I don't know.
I'm not even sure what a crypt is.
Aah! It could be booby-trapped.
Thieves have the ability to check for traps.
- Good for me.
I can do that.
- Hold it.
This chest does not belong to us.
- So? - I'm a Paladin.
It's not a very Paladin-y thing to do.
You didn't wanna steal the key, you didn't wanna fight the goblins.
You wouldn't even kill the spider.
You put it in a cup and took it outside.
- That wasn't in the game.
- I know.
It was in real life, which is worse.
Could me and your Meemaw have a little privacy, please? We can leave, but we're still gonna listen.
Also, you find no traps.
What is your problem? You act like Mr.
Goody Two Shoes and you expect me to believe that's real? - Yeah.
- Well, I don't.
Sheldon said there were no traps.
[dismissive snort.]
Now, I know it's hokey, but at least once a day, Darlene and I say one thing that we appreciate about each other.
Isn't that sweet? It was Wayne's idea.
- I appreciate you saying that.
- And I'm gonna vomit.
It's fine.
We know we appreciate each other.
Mary, is it fine? I guess it wouldn't hurt to hear it once in a while.
George? - What? Now? - You got something better to do? - Come on, George.
- This is ridiculous.
Just do it, you baby.
Mary, I appreciate you.
That's the best you can do? Baby, do you have any single friends for this poor woman? Mary, I appreciate how much you take care of the house and all of us.
I know it's not easy.
Thank you.
That means a lot.
I love it.
Mary, you're up.
Well, George I appreciate how hard you work.
I know you make a lot of sacrifices for us and you don't get enough credit for that.
Thank you.
Now let's hear how much you appreciate me for fixing your marriage.
- Shut up, Wayne.
- [chuckles.]
I wonder who came up with blue raspberry.
Raspberries ain't blue.
- It should be blueberry.
- You'd think.
But blueberries ain't blue either.
They're purple.
The whole blue food situation in this country needs some work.
So what do you wanna do? Probably something with our clothes on.
- No kidding.
That was scary.
- Terrifying.
I was afraid I was gonna have to marry you.
- Afraid? - Shaking in my boots.
And what exactly would be so terrible about marrying me? I didn't say terrible.
You can be afraid of things that are great.
Like what? Uh Oh, rollercoasters.
- You're an idiot.
- Rollercoaster's a good answer.
I didn't say sharks, which is what I thought of first.
- You're making it worse.
- How is it worse? I didn't say it.
Rollercoasters is a good answer.
What happened to you? You used to be fun.
Come on.
I'm playing this stupid game with your grandkids.
That's rude.
Cut the crap.
We both know this isn't you.
- Oh, I can't win with you.
- What does that mean? - Forget it.
- No, I'm not gonna forget it.
- Talk to me.
- I don't wanna.
- Missy, help me out here.
- Communication is important.
I learned that on the Fresh Prince show.
I asked you to marry me and you turned me down flat.
Are you still mad about that? Hell, yeah, I'm still mad about that.
- He proposed? - He just said he did.
Pay attention.
And you didn't even take it seriously.
I didn't take it seriously because you were drunk.
That's when I'm the most honest.
You can ask anybody at the bar.
Okay, fine.
That still doesn't change the fact that I'm not interested in getting married again.
Why not? I don't have to explain myself to you.
- I'd like to know.
- And I'd like to play D&D.
We've been through this.
I like my life just the way it is, and if you can't work with that then, well - Well, what? - Tough knuckles.
Well, that's good then.
I don't have to pretend to be Mr.
Water-Drinking Nice Guy anymore.
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Well, will you all excuse me? - Where are you going? - I'm gonna get myself a beer.
So you're standing in a crypt looking at a locked chest.
- What do you? - [Dale.]
Pull a beer out of it.
Get out of my way.
I'm a Thief and I'm opening this chest.
Have at it.
I'm a Paladin with a buzz on.
The chest opens, revealing a scroll with ancient writing in a strange language you don't recognize.
What do you do? I say this is boring And turn myself into a Ninja Turtle Princess of Power.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles This game just got good.
- High five.
- Yeah.
Heroes in a half shell Turtle power! [theme music playing.]

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