Young Sheldon (2017) s04e09 Episode Script

Crappy Frozen Ice Cream and an Organ Grinder's Monkey

Previously on Young Sheldon You must be Coach Ballard's ex-wife.
Why? I'm kind of dating your ex-husband.
I knew who you were the whole time.
That's why I came over here.
Nicely played.
We ought to go out for drinks one night.
Hell yeah! Yee-haw! College is a time for new experiences, being exposed to exciting ways of thinking, meeting people from different backgrounds, and the unexpected visit from your dad in gym shorts.
- What are you doing here? - I got a phone call.
Apparently, the head of the college wants to talk to us.
- Oh, good.
- You sure it's good? Well, it's better than what I thought when I saw you, - which was, "Uh-oh, Meemaw died".
- Come on.
I was hoping in college you wouldn't get called to the principal's office anymore.
She's not the principal.
She's the president.
So if you're in trouble, you're in big trouble.
That's a fun way to look at it.
Gentlemen, please have a seat.
Sheldon's only been here a few weeks.
I hope he's not in trouble already.
What kind of trouble? Did something happen? Ooh, maybe it's from when I decided Uh, uh, all good.
Uh, you keep talking.
Well, I'll just get right to the point.
Uh, I would like you and your son to meet with a very important benefactor of the college.
Why us? Well, I mean, Sheldon is is an impressive addition to the physics program, and-and we like our donors to feel really good about where their money's going.
I get it.
You want the star quarterback to shake some hands with the boosters.
- Exactly.
- I'm not doing that.
I didn't shake her hand, and she's the president.
No, you don't have to shake anybody's hand.
Then why did you say it? I didn't say it.
He said it.
But you agreed with it.
All I'm asking you to do is to go to dinner, talk about science with a very nice and, more importantly, a very rich person.
- No, thank you.
- Buddy All right, uh, Sheldon, I was brought to this school to help raise its profile, and one of the ways to do that is through grants and donations.
You-you can understand that, right? I understand that you would like to put the novelty of my age and advanced intellect on display to raise some cash.
Sort of.
- Can I speak to you alone? - Will you give us a minute? Very well.
But if you're looking to see if my father will be a potential donor, you are barking up the wrong tree.
So how do we get your son to cooperate? I've been asking myself that since day one.
Look, I don't mean to put pressure on you, but there's a lot of pressure on me, so I'm going to put it on you.
Look, I'm sorry, isn't there anyone else who can go to dinner with this guy? So I have a unicorn in my zoo, but I should trot out a goat, is that what you're saying? Would you donate a new library to have dinner with a goat? What restaurant? Mr.
Cooper, I need you to understand something.
This university relies on donations for everything.
For upkeep, for salaries, for scholarships, like the one your son is currently on.
I'll talk to him.
Thank you.
And when you go to dinner, wear real pants.
So, there's this thing at school I really want to go to, and before you say no, I just want you to think about it.
- What is it? - Like a school function.
Why would I say no to a school function? So I can go? You're the best.
Hold on.
What kind of function are we talking about? You know, just the normal kind.
With some kids.
And some music.
You know you can't go to a dance.
Why not? You know that, too.
Because we're Baptist.
But all my friends are going.
That doesn't change anything.
What if I promise not to dance? So you expect me to believe that you are going to go to a dance with your friends, they'll all be dancing while you just stand there? I go to church and don't pray.
How is this any different? Where we eating tonight? Well, that depends.
Why don't you look in the glovebox and check on the Tums situation.
There's five.
Oh, my, this is tricky.
Well, Mexican's at least three apiece.
We might get by with two each if it's Italian.
You get red wine and then tomato sauce.
Hey, if they put lemon in the water, we're dead.
- Hmm.
That leaves barbecue.
- Sold.
Who gets Tum number three? Me.
They're my Tums.
Now, what do you think young people talk about on their dates? I don't know.
But my knee's telling me it's gonna rain this weekend.
Speaking of this weekend, hey, my son needs a final head count.
It's a small wedding.
It'll be weird if I'm there.
Aw, come on, I'm gonna be wearing a suit.
I'm very sexy in a suit.
Come on, Sheldon, think of it as a free dinner.
I'm a kid.
All my dinners are free.
Is what they're asking really that bad? Yes.
I go to this university to study science, not to help collect money like an organ grinder's monkey.
You see me go to the rallies and fundraisers at the high school.
I don't love it, but I do it.
And I hope they give you all the bananas you can eat.
Sheldon, donors like this are very helpful for the university.
They pay for all the science equipment and your scholarship.
I hadn't thought of it that way.
So I'll tell 'em we're on for Saturday? I'll think about it.
What's to think about? It's a night of you showing off how smart you are.
People do like that.
All right, I'm in.
Can I put on the game? I don't care.
Sweet! What's your problem? Did you ever go to a school dance? One or two.
How'd you get Mom to let you? Easy.
Didn't ask her.
By the way, that works for all kinds of stuff.
Well, it's too late.
I already asked.
Rookie mistake.
Why can't we have a fun religion? I don't think there is one.
Come with me.
- Here.
- What is it? The answer to your problems.
What other tapes you got? Nature films.
Don't worry about it.
I just got off the phone with President Hagemeyer.
This guy we're gonna have dinner with sounds pretty interesting.
He made all of his money selling antistatic furniture for laboratories.
He's not even a scientist? He's just a furniture salesman? Yeah.
What am I supposed to talk about? Talk about whatever you want.
Just don't be insulting.
What if he says something I think is ridiculous? Keep it to yourself.
What if you just said something I think is ridiculous? Because Okay, maybe we need to work a little on your conversation skills, like not calling people out for saying stupid things.
How am I supposed to practice that? What's up? - Hello.
- Hey, June.
It's Connie Tucker.
Hey, Connie.
How are you? I'm good.
Am I seeing you Saturday night? Well, that's what I've called about.
Are you sure you want me there? I mean, it is your son's wedding.
Oh, it's his second wedding.
Those barely count.
Besides, I'm bringing a date, too.
Come on, it'll be fun.
I'm in.
Fantastic! So, how dressed up we getting? Oh, it's a small ceremony, nothing fancy.
You just saying that 'cause you want to look better than me? Of course not.
But I do believe you'd be stunning in overalls.
All right.
See you then.
Overalls, my ass.
So you really can't dance here, man? I can't believe that.
- It's true.
- See? They ain't allowed to dance, either.
It's like I'm watching my life.
That's how I feel when I'm watching Top Gun.
Okay, Sheldon, try having a conversation with Billy about science.
Let's see.
Uh, what do you know about quantum mechanics? My dad's a mechanic.
At his shop, he has a calendar with a bikini lady on it.
Dad Instead of losing patience, act interested and ask a follow-up question.
Your father's a mechanic.
You know what else is interesting? Quantum mechanics.
That describes the basic particles and forces that make up reality.
Let's talk about that.
I'm gonna marry that bikini lady.
I've been working on a theory about the wave-particle duality of light.
I have a nightlight that looks like Spider-Man, but I don't turn it on.
Go ahead.
Why don't you turn it on? I'm afraid of spiders.
Yeah, seems like a good place to stop.
Now what happens? You go home.
Thank you for your hospitality.
And it was King David.
King David, who-who we read about in-in Samuel.
And-and-and what did David do? What did David do? What did David do? - David danced.
- "David danced before the Lord with all his might, leaping and dancing before the Lord".
Leaping and dancing.
- I'm impressed.
- Thank you.
Too bad it's from Footloose.
What's a footloose? It is the movie that Pastor Jeff warned us about in his talk on the sins of cinema.
Just let me go to the dance.
I'm sorry.
I can't.
I'm never talking to you again! Did you show your sister Footloose? - Did it work? - No! Mm.
Then no.
Oh! Now, when you meet this guy, you got to shake his hand.
What if I offer a stately bow? That's how they do it in Asia.
You're shaking his hand.
Then it's a good thing I brought Old Righty.
You're not wearing that in a restaurant.
Why? 'Cause you don't make a good impression by being afraid to shake hands.
Howard Hughes was a germophobe, and he did quite well for himself.
Didn't he go crazy and save his pee in jars? Better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.
- You're shaking his hand! - Okay! Haven't been to many weddings lately.
Mostly funerals.
Yeah, those don't have an open bar.
I don't know why I'm so excited.
I'm paying for this.
Hey, y'all.
Hi, June! Don't you look pretty? Thank you.
I happen to agree.
Connie, Dale, this is Justin.
- Hi, Justin.
Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
You must be a friend of my son's.
Actually, he's my date.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Much more fun than a funeral.
George Cooper, meet Gary O'Brien, - the antistatic furniture king.
- Hello.
Shocking to meet you.
Don't do that.
And this, of course, is our physics prodigy, Sheldon Cooper.
A great pleasure.
I had an obligation to fulfill.
So I closed my eyes and thought of science.
Just like on my honeymoon.
How's pizza sound for dinner? You think I'm eating dinner with my mom on a Saturday night? You're adorable.
Guess I'm eating alone.
What about Missy? She's not talking to me.
She'd talk to you if you just let her go.
You know I can't do that.
Come on.
I went to school dances, and I turned out fine.
I didn't let you go to any dances.
I did all kinds of stuff behind your back.
Like what? I'm dumb, but I'm not that dumb.
So I'm supposed to just let her do whatever she wants? Yeah, I don't think so.
I'm just saying she's a good kid.
Be glad she's still asking.
So, how'd you two meet? Oh, I've been cutting his mom's hair for years.
Oh, that's nice.
Bet you when she cuts your hair, you get a lollipop, don't you? Oh, he gets more than a lollipop.
- Really? Is that so? - Dale.
Okay, so what is it you do, Langston? Justin.
Actually, I'm about to open a frozen yogurt shop.
Frozen yogurt.
Isn't that, like, crappy ice cream? We consider it a healthy alternative.
Crappy ice cream.
It's actually getting really popular.
I'm gonna invest.
Invest money? What else would she invest with? I don't know.
You got fake ice cream.
- How 'bout fake money? - Well, there's Hey, would you mind going to get me another drink, please? Happy to.
Thank you.
What's your problem? Yeah, what is your problem? Who said I had a problem? - We did.
- You're being rude.
Okay, you want to spend all your money on some boy toy, it's none of my business.
Why do you care what she does with her own money? - Yeah, why? - Well, you got some young guy running around, asking for money.
You don't think I know what that's all about? Okay, he didn't ask I offered.
And I can do what I want.
I'm a grown woman.
Oh, hell, you were a grown woman when he was born.
Sheldon, why don't you tell Mr.
O'Brien about some of your goals at the university.
Well, I'm pushing for stricter dress codes.
There are a lot of belly buttons on display.
Science goals.
My ultimate goal is to one day devise the grand unified field theory.
You're one of those, are you? Excuse me? Well, Kurt Godel's incompleteness theorems eliminate the possibility of a unified theory.
- You honestly believe that? - Sheldon.
That's interesting.
Tell me more about how Einstein's life goal was nothing but folly.
What is she thinking? Maybe she's thinking, "Why did I come here with this guy?" Wait, no, that's what I'm thinking.
You know what I'm talking about.
She brought him here on purpose.
- What purpose? - To upset me.
You know, Dale, not everything is always about you.
Well, you're mad at me, she's mad at me.
It seems like it's all about me.
Well, you owe her an apology.
Like hell I do.
Then I'm gonna do it for you.
No, wait.
Connie, wait.
What? Bring me back a beer.
Missy? Go away.
I'm not talking to you.
I know you're mad.
But I've been thinking about it, and I trust you enough to know that you will behave yourself.
So, just this once, you can go.
Thanks, Mom.
Love you.
Why won't this open? Sometimes it sticks! I know, on the surface, Dale seems like a a bully, but, underneath Still a bully.
Well, yes, but a little less of one, right? Sure.
Thank you.
You know, I'm gonna bring him a peace offering.
Ain't he cute? Can you believe that Dale thinks the only reason you brought him here is just to piss him off? That's exactly why I brought him.
- What the hell is the matter with you? - What? Why would you go out of your way to upset Dale at your own son's wedding? I don't know.
He's my ex-husband.
Well, he's my boyfriend.
Hey, that's your problem.
Well, you're starting to be my problem.
Geez, who's the bully now? I knew I shouldn't have come here.
Your ex-wife is a bitch.
I am so filled with love for you right now.
I believe we have to look to gravity and its magnitude I was really doing my best to hold it together.
could be a repulsive force if you just add negative mass.
I smiled and nodded like my meemaw's Houston Oilers bobblehead.
And I also discovered a way that we could predict the masses of all the known particles using the Egyptian pyramids.
In physics, there's a phenomenon known as supercritical assembly.
If you bring enough material together in one place The trick is numerology.
in the right configuration, eventually, it will explode.
This is fun.
Not a lot of people I can talk to scientist-to-scientist.
We're not talking scientist-to-scientist.
You're not a scientist.
You're just a rich man that no one will be honest to because everyone wants your money.
Oh, don't listen to him.
I mean, he's just a kid.
Why don't you tell me a little more about your pyramid thingy? Huh? It turned out Gary did appreciate my honesty.
The school got a generous donation.
My, my, my.
That is a lot of zeroes.
My father got Oilers tickets from President Hagemeyer.
50-yard line and free parking? Hoo-mama.
And I got a brand-new, state-of-the-art antistatic lab chair.
It works.

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