Younger (2015) s06e03 Episode Script
The Unusual Suspect
1 [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Were you up all night, my little party baby, huh? I would have totally raged with you.
I did it.
I am caught up on "Exonerated," - and I have thoughts.
- What's "Exonerated"? What? - It is huge.
- It's so good.
Do you remember Audrey Colbert? She was charged with murdering that couple who brought her to the Four Seasons for a three-way? Yeah, she claims she was in the bathroom while someone else stabbed the couple 16 times.
But she had hung juries in both criminal and civil court.
- The podcast is so good.
- Yeah.
I swear, the only thing white women love more than Pinterest is murder.
- Oh, hollandaise? - Yeah, thanks.
Wait, do they do they think that she did it? Inconclusive so far, and Audrey refused to be interviewed for it.
She is pitching a book, though.
And we have a meeting tomorrow.
[CLAMORING.]
No.
No, no tweeting.
We convinced her agent to bring it to us first.
We can take it off the market before anyone else even hears about it.
Oh, my God! [CRYING.]
Well, I guess party baby needs a new diaper.
- Mommy wipes, Daddy diaps? - Yeah, sounds good to me.
Oh, come here.
Yes, oh, yes.
Maggie, I hope you put a tarp down in there, because those two look ready to make yet another perfect-looking baby.
- What? - Clare and Josh.
They're basically, like, walking heart eye emojis.
- Haven't you seen it? - You know what? I haven't been able to look at her since, you know, the incident.
- What what incident? - The birth.
I mean, she hoisted her legs over my shoulders, and shot that baby into my arms in the back of an Uber.
- I can't un-see that.
- Oh, diva! I haven't been able to look at a Oh, my God, can you not even say "vagina?" Oh, no, no, no, no, no, this will not do.
I will fix this, okay? You will be back on the hunt in no time.
- Ew.
- I said "hunt," with an H.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
Um, all right, I'm late for a thing.
So and I have an episode of "Exonerated" to catch up on.
- Bye.
- We just sat down.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
You're listening to "Exonerated.
" Tim Weigel met Audrey Colbert for the first and only time in June 2017 at the Rubin Museum in New York.
I was there one Sunday checking out the Tibetan art exhibit, and this woman brushed up behind me and quickly walked away.
She touched me and she was hot, so I followed her.
She moved really quickly, darting into corners and then re-appearing out of nowhere.
It felt dangerous, kind of sexy.
- And then what happened? - And then, we I make bad girls Look real good No! I make bad girls look real good [HEAVY DANCE MUSIC.]
Look real good [SPEAKING CHINESE.]
Xiexie, bai, bai, la! Ugh, creeps.
I guess Time's Up hasn't reached Shenzhen yet.
- Good morning, ladies! - Good morning.
Quinn, do we have something scheduled? Oh, no, I had a breakfast meeting in Midtown that went long, and I needed a hard line for the international call, so I just came to the nearest Wi-Fi.
- I hope that's okay.
- Of course! You've been on the bestseller list for three weeks.
Consider us your Midtown hot desk.
Excellent.
I'm sure you're aware that CLAW is trending on Twitter? Over 19,000 people are tweeting about it, so.
- Oh! - That's great.
It is.
In fact, "The Cut" wants me to come and talk about it on their "How I Get It Done" series, and I would love for my publisher to interview me.
That's wonderful.
Kelsey? - Okay, sounds good.
- Oh, good.
They'll reach out to you with all the details.
And thank you for being so accommodating.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
[SPEAKS CHINESE.]
That's Mandarin for "good-bye.
" [UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
How does a book that everyone hated debut at number ten and then keep climbing? Word of mouth was even more toxic than the reviews.
No offense, Liza.
She didn't take any of my edits.
- Set it on fire.
- The only thing that matters is that Quinn has a runaway hit, - so we will just have to - Eat it.
Hm, now that you're a publisher, maybe stop speaking like a trucker? Let's focus on finding our next best-seller so we can forget about this one.
Audrey Colbert's book is going to be massive.
Why is everyone in this country obsessed with true crime? Actual people have died, and they're selling branded beanies on Etsy.
It lets people experience danger, but from a safe distance.
It's exciting.
But the killer is always brought to justice.
Except for the double murderer coming to our conference room.
Alleged, and let's not say things like that in the meeting.
She killed two people.
I'm not going in there.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Whoa, lots of male energy here.
But they're all dealing with the same trauma you are, so don't think of men as the enemy for once.
I don't think of men as the enemy.
Oh, yeah, no, me neither.
Definitely not.
[BELL CHIMES.]
Let's get started.
Hi, I'm Beth.
I will be your guide.
Many partners, after witnessing birth, have trouble seeing the vagina as sexual again, and this is natural.
It was a source of joy and warmth and [TENSE MUSIC.]
Love and heat.
And now, it's a sight of jarring trauma.
And we can run from that, or we can dive right in headfirst, and reclaim that love.
So I encourage you all to share your stories, no matter how scary they are.
Labor was easy.
The baby came out really quickly.
And then, her uterus just sort of fell out on the table.
Like giblets.
The placenta dislodged from the cord, so they had to retrieve it manually.
Did you know they make rubber gloves that go all the way up to the elbow? The baby's arm was just sticking out of it, flailing.
For, like, five minutes.
I'm so sorry.
What her arm came out, and [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Everybody's obsessed with Audrey Colbert, but nobody really knows her.
They just know the salacious stories they've heard on "Exonerated.
" But this is her life! Is it glamorous? Absolutely.
Is it sexy? Routinely.
But is it criminal? [TENSE MUSIC.]
And this is where you're supposed to say "no.
" We rehearsed this.
Sorry, I forgot.
Um, we are huge fans of "Exonerated.
" - Yeah.
- But we know that the podcast isn't telling us everything.
Yeah, what we're interested in is your story.
You know, in your words.
But this will not be a confession or a denial.
This will be the truth.
The good, the bad, and everything in between.
Is she promiscuous? Often.
Is she jealous? Almost pathologically.
Is she a murderer? [TENSE MUSIC.]
Audrey, this is where you say no, remember? No.
Do you think I did it? No.
- Definitely not.
- No.
Good, because if you thought I had killed two people and you still wanted to publish my book, I don't think I could trust you, and I really need to trust you.
That insufferable podcast turned me into a national supervillain.
International.
Huge in Europe.
This is my opportunity to clear my name.
A book isn't going to be sliced up - Phrasing.
- into horror memes like my Megyn Kelly interview, or chopped up to make me look like some sort of dangerous psychopath.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Does that sound like something that you can help me with? Yes.
Definitely.
Mm-hmm.
Good.
Yeah, right.
What was that? A crippling lack of media training, but don't worry.
We will fix that before the book tour.
- The good news is she likes you! - Great.
You're not taking this anywhere else, right? 650, and no one will even know she's writing a book until we announce.
[KNOCKING.]
Yeah, okay.
Great, yeah.
Seriously, you can't tell anybody.
- Okay.
- She's insanely secretive.
Don't tell her I said that.
Bye.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
A bottle of Dom, please.
I'm celebrating.
Make that two.
Whoa.
Where have you been hiding? I'm not hiding, just busy.
With? I mean, you barely text me back anymore.
What's going on? Where are you working? Are you working? Look, I can't say just yet, but it's big.
You know, you don't need to pretend.
You're going to find something.
I have, and when I close it, you'll hear about it.
- Okay.
- You don't believe me.
Um, there's only one bottle left.
[LAUGHS.]
It's his.
On me.
- You're not paying.
- You're not working.
You're not listening.
Oh, whoa.
You're not going to help me drink it? [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Hey, she is finally asleep.
For good, this time.
[GROANS.]
Don't jinx it.
You want to go sleep in your bed? I'm too tired to go to bed.
I sleep where I can now.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, here.
Lift up.
Oh, there we go.
[BOTH EXHALE.]
Oh, I should clean her bottles.
No, I already did, right after I emptied the Diaper Genie.
Oh, thank you.
- Truly, you've been so amazing.
- Hm.
I don't know how I thought I could do this alone.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Yeah.
Well, I've done about a tenth of the work that you have, but you're welcome.
Clare? Hey.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
You and Zane, again? How was it? Wild.
I mean, almost good enough to make me ignore that he wouldn't tell me if he had a job yet.
That's weird, right? Well, I don't know.
I mean, you know, Charles and I don't talk about work, and we're kind of Do not tell me the museum story again.
- I don't want to hear it.
- Liza, Kelsey, anyone? - Yeah, a little help.
- Oh, God, Diana! - What? - Please.
- Jeez.
- Get me to the chair.
- Okay, all right.
- I'm good, I'm fine.
- All right, all right, all right.
- Okay.
What happened? We've got a problem.
I was at Pilates with my publisher ladies, and politely announcing that CLAW is going to be number one on "The New York Times" - bestseller list this week.
- What, officially? Okay, you've got to be kidding me.
Could you get me my prescription from my purse and stop interrupting, please? Anyway, I announce, and Jackie Dunn, who is obsessed with me, always turns everything into a contest, claims that she has an inside track on a new book by Audrey Colbert.
That's impossible.
Redmond said he wasn't taking her anywhere else.
According to my group, she is pitching to half the major houses in town.
- But that's our book! - Oh, my God.
I know, I got so frazzled that I got caught up in the reformer.
Could you just help me open this, please? And can someone get me an espresso? Postpone the power trip, Kelsey.
I am handicapped.
We need to get Redmond on the phone right now.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Hold on, I'll be right back with espresso.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Just hand me the [PHONE BUZZING.]
Kelsey, what self-destructive idiot gave you this number? Your assistant.
She owed me.
Hi, Hodor.
Listen, I'm taking an infrared sauna.
Can we make this a quickie? Yeah, you screwed us on Audrey Colbert! I said "quickie," not no lube.
You said it was ours, and now, you're taking it wide.
We gave you the pre-empt you asked for, the meeting went great, and we are about to top the best-seller list.
I saw.
Quinn's number one with a dagger.
Con-drag-ulations.
What are you talking about? Quinn's shiny number one comes accessorized with a dagger on every list, meaning bulk sales.
Meaning you bought your best-seller.
What? No, listen.
I'm just as surprised as anyone, but that book's a hit.
It's trending on Twitter.
I know, an army of Chinese bots inserting "#CLAW" into every conversation they can.
Which means, like your sales numbers, it's a scam.
Everyone in town is talking about it.
It's suspicious, and Audrey already has enough of that.
- Redmond, that's not fair.
- Thanks for calling.
Never do it again.
Tell my assistant she's fired.
All right, I'm here.
Let's call him.
He's not the problem.
We need to find Quinn.
[DANCE MUSIC.]
I'm going to need her to slow down until my Vicodin kicks in.
Enjoy.
- Hi.
- Hi there.
- Beth, remember? - Yeah, Maggie.
How you doing? Um, I'm sorry that I ran out of here so quickly.
You seem great, but I'm beyond help.
Oh, that's not in my vocabulary.
You know, there are plenty of other methods we could use to re-acquaint you, and I also teach privates.
Oh.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
So talk me through it.
What does it mean? Where did you leave it? Was there any nocturnal frotting? She was already getting ready for work by the time that I woke up, so we didn't talk about it.
- But, I just - Okay, okay.
So what what do you want? I don't know.
I feel, like, maybe I should just do it.
You know, we're still legally married.
I mean, it would be better for Gemma.
Josh, that's not my question.
What do you want? I don't think that we're right for each other.
Okay, then you have to cut it off, once and for all.
Even if she looks at you with those little cartoon deer eyes and begs you to do it for the baby.
[CHUCKLES.]
I know it's not a fun conversation to have, Josh.
But you're a dad now, okay? And dads have to be tough.
- Yeah.
- Except for my dad.
God, he is such a little bottom.
[EXHALES.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
I've never even heard of the Ardmore Club.
What is it? Like, Soho House for oligarchs? Quinn's showing off, so we'll ignore that she's ruining our reputation.
Hello, Millennial.
Thank you for coming.
I have the talking points for the event.
Great, do they mention that you faked your best-seller? What are you talking about? You bulk-bought a ton of books to boost sales.
They track that and note it on the list.
Okay, well, tell that to the fans on Twitter.
Also fake.
Most of the hashtags are traced to Chinese bots, especially the ones defending it.
Is anything about this book real? The money the book's bringing in is real.
What else do you need? - My reputation.
- Oh.
Integrity still means something in publishing.
This is screwing with my business.
Who even knows? Book Twitter? They're our peers, and they talk.
Do you know how hard it is to run for office in this country as a woman? I have to control every single detail.
No mistakes, no second chances, no leaks.
If anyone catches wind too soon that I am running, the media will have extra time to drag me.
If I get in too late, somebody else's momentum might be too strong.
And none of this timing and precision and secrecy means anything without and say it with me.
Name recognition.
So you bought yourself a hit.
"CLAW" 's numbers weren't where they needed to be, so I got them there.
And in exactly 11 weeks, when I announce that I am running, I will have already been on all the talk shows promoting my book, because why? It's a "New York Times" best-seller.
It says so right on the cover.
This is completely unethical, and it's already hurting me.
This controversy will be over in a day, and when all is said and done, your company will have pocketed millions of dollars.
Now, do I have to call "The Cut" and tell them that Millennial doesn't support it's author enough to show up to a very important event? - I'll be there.
- That's a good decision.
See you tonight.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Charles? [TENSE MUSIC.]
- What have you got there? - Oh, my God.
You scared me.
Uh, I don't know.
It was just sitting out.
I are you taking out a loan on the townhouse? Oh, I'm, uh just moving some things around.
That's a lot of money.
Is everything okay? Have you listened to episode seven of "Exonerated"? Uh, no, not yet.
Audrey breaks into her ex's house.
I didn't break in.
I have a key.
Hm, well, that's what Audrey said, too.
He came home and found her going through his things.
- What happened? - She she convinced him not to call the police.
And how did she do that? [SOFT MUSIC.]
Well, I guess I need to listen to episode seven.
She's been asleep for an hour.
She should be out until I get home.
Just a client dinner, nothing fancy.
So I should be back in a few hours.
Hey, Clare, can we can we talk about the other night? Okay.
Look, I just want to say, first off, I am so happy that we have this baby, and that we're raising her together.
- But you and me - Are you breaking up with me? Are we together? Oh, thank God.
I was so worried you were going to propose again.
What are you talking about? We're still married.
I know, and the other night was - Yeah.
- For a second, I thought, "Wouldn't it be nice if we found a way back to each other?" But? But the second I woke up, it all came rushing back.
Everything I felt when you left me in Ireland.
We keep trying to force ourselves together.
You know, for a green card, for the baby.
And though those seem like good reasons, they're not the right ones.
Then let's do this the right way.
Okay, this is not just about us anymore.
- Clare.
- Josh.
Will you divorce me? I will.
[LAUGHTER.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Thanks for dinner.
That was so nice.
I mean, I didn't even think about that while I was with you.
Well, that's not the goal.
To not think about it all together.
See, I think group was too much, too fast.
Maybe we should take it slower.
Slow is good, yeah.
What'd you have in mind? I don't know, maybe How's that? That was pretty good.
Maybe we could, uh, speed things up a little bit.
Well, maybe if you [DANCE MUSIC.]
- I'm sorry I'm late.
- It's fine.
I needed some time to think, anyway.
- Where's Charles? - Oh, he was busy tonight.
Hm, he didn't want to be associated with this bogus book, either.
I don't blame him.
Are you okay to do this interview? - Yeah, I am great.
- What is this? It is a press release naming Quinn as the sole conspirator.
I'm not taking the hit for this.
Send it to Diana so it can go out tomorrow - with coverage of the event.
- You know we can't do that.
Not to our investor, and definitely not to a writer.
Everybody here knows that our big, fat hit is a big, fat fraud, and I have to go on stage and congratulate her for it.
No one will work with us if we throw an author under the bus.
I know.
Right.
Just in case.
And so I said, "Jack, I don't need ten days meditating in Myanmar to know myself.
"I already know that sounds like hell.
I'm getting on the jet and going to Macau.
" And I did.
[LAUGHTER.]
What a relatable story! Let's take some questions.
- Hi, Quinn.
- Hi.
Congratulations on the success of the book.
Oh, thank you.
Any comment on the dagger next to your number one? You know, I am just I'm not as acquainted with the bestseller list as you all are, so I don't really know.
Were bulk sales responsible for "CLAW" 's astronomical numbers? My publicist did say that there were a number of universities that wanted to use the book for syllabi, so next question.
- That wasn't really an answer.
- Okay.
Uh, it sounds like you're questioning the validity of "CLAW" 's numbers, and I want you to know that integrity is of the utmost importance to me.
The book's ethos suggests otherwise.
So you read it.
Thank you.
Um, well, I really am a neophyte at this.
So my publisher can speak to this better than I can.
Quinn's right.
Integrity is important.
So is honesty.
There were bulk sales that contributed to "CLAW" 's numbers due to a series of forthcoming speaking events.
I am extremely proud to be the first to announce that Quinn Tyler is running for Senate in the great state of California.
[ALL GASPING.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[LAUGHS.]
Do you have any idea what you just did? Take a bow.
The line is ticking, push us on Stepping up, game on, game on, game on - You can't keep my down - Game on Can't keep my down [ROCK MUSIC.]
Thanks for meeting us, Redmond.
I assume you saw Quinn Tyler's story in the "Times.
" - And the "Post," and "WIRED.
" - I did.
Kelsey, you're a messy bitch who lives for drama.
I stan.
So now that the dagger is cleared up, we want to talk about Audrey Colbert again.
Aw, adorbs! Well, I'm sure she would come racing back to you, but we just accepted another offer last night.
- What? - It wasn't Jackie Dunn, was it? No, we actually went with a new little start-up - called Mercury.
- Who? What masochist would start a publishing company - in this client? - Not my money, not my problem.
But Kelsey, you do know the editor very well.
Zane Anders? Unbelievable.
At least I didn't pay for that champagne.
What if we counter the offer? Whatever it is, we will top it.
Well, the offer is now 800,000.
Can you top that? That's a lot of money.
[PHONE BUZZING.]
It's "Nightline" calling for Audrey again.
Hello? They have a better table uptown.
Good-bye! [DANCE MUSIC.]
I don't understand.
Where would Zane get that kind of money?
Were you up all night, my little party baby, huh? I would have totally raged with you.
I did it.
I am caught up on "Exonerated," - and I have thoughts.
- What's "Exonerated"? What? - It is huge.
- It's so good.
Do you remember Audrey Colbert? She was charged with murdering that couple who brought her to the Four Seasons for a three-way? Yeah, she claims she was in the bathroom while someone else stabbed the couple 16 times.
But she had hung juries in both criminal and civil court.
- The podcast is so good.
- Yeah.
I swear, the only thing white women love more than Pinterest is murder.
- Oh, hollandaise? - Yeah, thanks.
Wait, do they do they think that she did it? Inconclusive so far, and Audrey refused to be interviewed for it.
She is pitching a book, though.
And we have a meeting tomorrow.
[CLAMORING.]
No.
No, no tweeting.
We convinced her agent to bring it to us first.
We can take it off the market before anyone else even hears about it.
Oh, my God! [CRYING.]
Well, I guess party baby needs a new diaper.
- Mommy wipes, Daddy diaps? - Yeah, sounds good to me.
Oh, come here.
Yes, oh, yes.
Maggie, I hope you put a tarp down in there, because those two look ready to make yet another perfect-looking baby.
- What? - Clare and Josh.
They're basically, like, walking heart eye emojis.
- Haven't you seen it? - You know what? I haven't been able to look at her since, you know, the incident.
- What what incident? - The birth.
I mean, she hoisted her legs over my shoulders, and shot that baby into my arms in the back of an Uber.
- I can't un-see that.
- Oh, diva! I haven't been able to look at a Oh, my God, can you not even say "vagina?" Oh, no, no, no, no, no, this will not do.
I will fix this, okay? You will be back on the hunt in no time.
- Ew.
- I said "hunt," with an H.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
Um, all right, I'm late for a thing.
So and I have an episode of "Exonerated" to catch up on.
- Bye.
- We just sat down.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
You're listening to "Exonerated.
" Tim Weigel met Audrey Colbert for the first and only time in June 2017 at the Rubin Museum in New York.
I was there one Sunday checking out the Tibetan art exhibit, and this woman brushed up behind me and quickly walked away.
She touched me and she was hot, so I followed her.
She moved really quickly, darting into corners and then re-appearing out of nowhere.
It felt dangerous, kind of sexy.
- And then what happened? - And then, we I make bad girls Look real good No! I make bad girls look real good [HEAVY DANCE MUSIC.]
Look real good [SPEAKING CHINESE.]
Xiexie, bai, bai, la! Ugh, creeps.
I guess Time's Up hasn't reached Shenzhen yet.
- Good morning, ladies! - Good morning.
Quinn, do we have something scheduled? Oh, no, I had a breakfast meeting in Midtown that went long, and I needed a hard line for the international call, so I just came to the nearest Wi-Fi.
- I hope that's okay.
- Of course! You've been on the bestseller list for three weeks.
Consider us your Midtown hot desk.
Excellent.
I'm sure you're aware that CLAW is trending on Twitter? Over 19,000 people are tweeting about it, so.
- Oh! - That's great.
It is.
In fact, "The Cut" wants me to come and talk about it on their "How I Get It Done" series, and I would love for my publisher to interview me.
That's wonderful.
Kelsey? - Okay, sounds good.
- Oh, good.
They'll reach out to you with all the details.
And thank you for being so accommodating.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
[SPEAKS CHINESE.]
That's Mandarin for "good-bye.
" [UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
How does a book that everyone hated debut at number ten and then keep climbing? Word of mouth was even more toxic than the reviews.
No offense, Liza.
She didn't take any of my edits.
- Set it on fire.
- The only thing that matters is that Quinn has a runaway hit, - so we will just have to - Eat it.
Hm, now that you're a publisher, maybe stop speaking like a trucker? Let's focus on finding our next best-seller so we can forget about this one.
Audrey Colbert's book is going to be massive.
Why is everyone in this country obsessed with true crime? Actual people have died, and they're selling branded beanies on Etsy.
It lets people experience danger, but from a safe distance.
It's exciting.
But the killer is always brought to justice.
Except for the double murderer coming to our conference room.
Alleged, and let's not say things like that in the meeting.
She killed two people.
I'm not going in there.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Whoa, lots of male energy here.
But they're all dealing with the same trauma you are, so don't think of men as the enemy for once.
I don't think of men as the enemy.
Oh, yeah, no, me neither.
Definitely not.
[BELL CHIMES.]
Let's get started.
Hi, I'm Beth.
I will be your guide.
Many partners, after witnessing birth, have trouble seeing the vagina as sexual again, and this is natural.
It was a source of joy and warmth and [TENSE MUSIC.]
Love and heat.
And now, it's a sight of jarring trauma.
And we can run from that, or we can dive right in headfirst, and reclaim that love.
So I encourage you all to share your stories, no matter how scary they are.
Labor was easy.
The baby came out really quickly.
And then, her uterus just sort of fell out on the table.
Like giblets.
The placenta dislodged from the cord, so they had to retrieve it manually.
Did you know they make rubber gloves that go all the way up to the elbow? The baby's arm was just sticking out of it, flailing.
For, like, five minutes.
I'm so sorry.
What her arm came out, and [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Everybody's obsessed with Audrey Colbert, but nobody really knows her.
They just know the salacious stories they've heard on "Exonerated.
" But this is her life! Is it glamorous? Absolutely.
Is it sexy? Routinely.
But is it criminal? [TENSE MUSIC.]
And this is where you're supposed to say "no.
" We rehearsed this.
Sorry, I forgot.
Um, we are huge fans of "Exonerated.
" - Yeah.
- But we know that the podcast isn't telling us everything.
Yeah, what we're interested in is your story.
You know, in your words.
But this will not be a confession or a denial.
This will be the truth.
The good, the bad, and everything in between.
Is she promiscuous? Often.
Is she jealous? Almost pathologically.
Is she a murderer? [TENSE MUSIC.]
Audrey, this is where you say no, remember? No.
Do you think I did it? No.
- Definitely not.
- No.
Good, because if you thought I had killed two people and you still wanted to publish my book, I don't think I could trust you, and I really need to trust you.
That insufferable podcast turned me into a national supervillain.
International.
Huge in Europe.
This is my opportunity to clear my name.
A book isn't going to be sliced up - Phrasing.
- into horror memes like my Megyn Kelly interview, or chopped up to make me look like some sort of dangerous psychopath.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Does that sound like something that you can help me with? Yes.
Definitely.
Mm-hmm.
Good.
Yeah, right.
What was that? A crippling lack of media training, but don't worry.
We will fix that before the book tour.
- The good news is she likes you! - Great.
You're not taking this anywhere else, right? 650, and no one will even know she's writing a book until we announce.
[KNOCKING.]
Yeah, okay.
Great, yeah.
Seriously, you can't tell anybody.
- Okay.
- She's insanely secretive.
Don't tell her I said that.
Bye.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
A bottle of Dom, please.
I'm celebrating.
Make that two.
Whoa.
Where have you been hiding? I'm not hiding, just busy.
With? I mean, you barely text me back anymore.
What's going on? Where are you working? Are you working? Look, I can't say just yet, but it's big.
You know, you don't need to pretend.
You're going to find something.
I have, and when I close it, you'll hear about it.
- Okay.
- You don't believe me.
Um, there's only one bottle left.
[LAUGHS.]
It's his.
On me.
- You're not paying.
- You're not working.
You're not listening.
Oh, whoa.
You're not going to help me drink it? [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Hey, she is finally asleep.
For good, this time.
[GROANS.]
Don't jinx it.
You want to go sleep in your bed? I'm too tired to go to bed.
I sleep where I can now.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, here.
Lift up.
Oh, there we go.
[BOTH EXHALE.]
Oh, I should clean her bottles.
No, I already did, right after I emptied the Diaper Genie.
Oh, thank you.
- Truly, you've been so amazing.
- Hm.
I don't know how I thought I could do this alone.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Yeah.
Well, I've done about a tenth of the work that you have, but you're welcome.
Clare? Hey.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
You and Zane, again? How was it? Wild.
I mean, almost good enough to make me ignore that he wouldn't tell me if he had a job yet.
That's weird, right? Well, I don't know.
I mean, you know, Charles and I don't talk about work, and we're kind of Do not tell me the museum story again.
- I don't want to hear it.
- Liza, Kelsey, anyone? - Yeah, a little help.
- Oh, God, Diana! - What? - Please.
- Jeez.
- Get me to the chair.
- Okay, all right.
- I'm good, I'm fine.
- All right, all right, all right.
- Okay.
What happened? We've got a problem.
I was at Pilates with my publisher ladies, and politely announcing that CLAW is going to be number one on "The New York Times" - bestseller list this week.
- What, officially? Okay, you've got to be kidding me.
Could you get me my prescription from my purse and stop interrupting, please? Anyway, I announce, and Jackie Dunn, who is obsessed with me, always turns everything into a contest, claims that she has an inside track on a new book by Audrey Colbert.
That's impossible.
Redmond said he wasn't taking her anywhere else.
According to my group, she is pitching to half the major houses in town.
- But that's our book! - Oh, my God.
I know, I got so frazzled that I got caught up in the reformer.
Could you just help me open this, please? And can someone get me an espresso? Postpone the power trip, Kelsey.
I am handicapped.
We need to get Redmond on the phone right now.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Hold on, I'll be right back with espresso.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Just hand me the [PHONE BUZZING.]
Kelsey, what self-destructive idiot gave you this number? Your assistant.
She owed me.
Hi, Hodor.
Listen, I'm taking an infrared sauna.
Can we make this a quickie? Yeah, you screwed us on Audrey Colbert! I said "quickie," not no lube.
You said it was ours, and now, you're taking it wide.
We gave you the pre-empt you asked for, the meeting went great, and we are about to top the best-seller list.
I saw.
Quinn's number one with a dagger.
Con-drag-ulations.
What are you talking about? Quinn's shiny number one comes accessorized with a dagger on every list, meaning bulk sales.
Meaning you bought your best-seller.
What? No, listen.
I'm just as surprised as anyone, but that book's a hit.
It's trending on Twitter.
I know, an army of Chinese bots inserting "#CLAW" into every conversation they can.
Which means, like your sales numbers, it's a scam.
Everyone in town is talking about it.
It's suspicious, and Audrey already has enough of that.
- Redmond, that's not fair.
- Thanks for calling.
Never do it again.
Tell my assistant she's fired.
All right, I'm here.
Let's call him.
He's not the problem.
We need to find Quinn.
[DANCE MUSIC.]
I'm going to need her to slow down until my Vicodin kicks in.
Enjoy.
- Hi.
- Hi there.
- Beth, remember? - Yeah, Maggie.
How you doing? Um, I'm sorry that I ran out of here so quickly.
You seem great, but I'm beyond help.
Oh, that's not in my vocabulary.
You know, there are plenty of other methods we could use to re-acquaint you, and I also teach privates.
Oh.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
So talk me through it.
What does it mean? Where did you leave it? Was there any nocturnal frotting? She was already getting ready for work by the time that I woke up, so we didn't talk about it.
- But, I just - Okay, okay.
So what what do you want? I don't know.
I feel, like, maybe I should just do it.
You know, we're still legally married.
I mean, it would be better for Gemma.
Josh, that's not my question.
What do you want? I don't think that we're right for each other.
Okay, then you have to cut it off, once and for all.
Even if she looks at you with those little cartoon deer eyes and begs you to do it for the baby.
[CHUCKLES.]
I know it's not a fun conversation to have, Josh.
But you're a dad now, okay? And dads have to be tough.
- Yeah.
- Except for my dad.
God, he is such a little bottom.
[EXHALES.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
I've never even heard of the Ardmore Club.
What is it? Like, Soho House for oligarchs? Quinn's showing off, so we'll ignore that she's ruining our reputation.
Hello, Millennial.
Thank you for coming.
I have the talking points for the event.
Great, do they mention that you faked your best-seller? What are you talking about? You bulk-bought a ton of books to boost sales.
They track that and note it on the list.
Okay, well, tell that to the fans on Twitter.
Also fake.
Most of the hashtags are traced to Chinese bots, especially the ones defending it.
Is anything about this book real? The money the book's bringing in is real.
What else do you need? - My reputation.
- Oh.
Integrity still means something in publishing.
This is screwing with my business.
Who even knows? Book Twitter? They're our peers, and they talk.
Do you know how hard it is to run for office in this country as a woman? I have to control every single detail.
No mistakes, no second chances, no leaks.
If anyone catches wind too soon that I am running, the media will have extra time to drag me.
If I get in too late, somebody else's momentum might be too strong.
And none of this timing and precision and secrecy means anything without and say it with me.
Name recognition.
So you bought yourself a hit.
"CLAW" 's numbers weren't where they needed to be, so I got them there.
And in exactly 11 weeks, when I announce that I am running, I will have already been on all the talk shows promoting my book, because why? It's a "New York Times" best-seller.
It says so right on the cover.
This is completely unethical, and it's already hurting me.
This controversy will be over in a day, and when all is said and done, your company will have pocketed millions of dollars.
Now, do I have to call "The Cut" and tell them that Millennial doesn't support it's author enough to show up to a very important event? - I'll be there.
- That's a good decision.
See you tonight.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Charles? [TENSE MUSIC.]
- What have you got there? - Oh, my God.
You scared me.
Uh, I don't know.
It was just sitting out.
I are you taking out a loan on the townhouse? Oh, I'm, uh just moving some things around.
That's a lot of money.
Is everything okay? Have you listened to episode seven of "Exonerated"? Uh, no, not yet.
Audrey breaks into her ex's house.
I didn't break in.
I have a key.
Hm, well, that's what Audrey said, too.
He came home and found her going through his things.
- What happened? - She she convinced him not to call the police.
And how did she do that? [SOFT MUSIC.]
Well, I guess I need to listen to episode seven.
She's been asleep for an hour.
She should be out until I get home.
Just a client dinner, nothing fancy.
So I should be back in a few hours.
Hey, Clare, can we can we talk about the other night? Okay.
Look, I just want to say, first off, I am so happy that we have this baby, and that we're raising her together.
- But you and me - Are you breaking up with me? Are we together? Oh, thank God.
I was so worried you were going to propose again.
What are you talking about? We're still married.
I know, and the other night was - Yeah.
- For a second, I thought, "Wouldn't it be nice if we found a way back to each other?" But? But the second I woke up, it all came rushing back.
Everything I felt when you left me in Ireland.
We keep trying to force ourselves together.
You know, for a green card, for the baby.
And though those seem like good reasons, they're not the right ones.
Then let's do this the right way.
Okay, this is not just about us anymore.
- Clare.
- Josh.
Will you divorce me? I will.
[LAUGHTER.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Thanks for dinner.
That was so nice.
I mean, I didn't even think about that while I was with you.
Well, that's not the goal.
To not think about it all together.
See, I think group was too much, too fast.
Maybe we should take it slower.
Slow is good, yeah.
What'd you have in mind? I don't know, maybe How's that? That was pretty good.
Maybe we could, uh, speed things up a little bit.
Well, maybe if you [DANCE MUSIC.]
- I'm sorry I'm late.
- It's fine.
I needed some time to think, anyway.
- Where's Charles? - Oh, he was busy tonight.
Hm, he didn't want to be associated with this bogus book, either.
I don't blame him.
Are you okay to do this interview? - Yeah, I am great.
- What is this? It is a press release naming Quinn as the sole conspirator.
I'm not taking the hit for this.
Send it to Diana so it can go out tomorrow - with coverage of the event.
- You know we can't do that.
Not to our investor, and definitely not to a writer.
Everybody here knows that our big, fat hit is a big, fat fraud, and I have to go on stage and congratulate her for it.
No one will work with us if we throw an author under the bus.
I know.
Right.
Just in case.
And so I said, "Jack, I don't need ten days meditating in Myanmar to know myself.
"I already know that sounds like hell.
I'm getting on the jet and going to Macau.
" And I did.
[LAUGHTER.]
What a relatable story! Let's take some questions.
- Hi, Quinn.
- Hi.
Congratulations on the success of the book.
Oh, thank you.
Any comment on the dagger next to your number one? You know, I am just I'm not as acquainted with the bestseller list as you all are, so I don't really know.
Were bulk sales responsible for "CLAW" 's astronomical numbers? My publicist did say that there were a number of universities that wanted to use the book for syllabi, so next question.
- That wasn't really an answer.
- Okay.
Uh, it sounds like you're questioning the validity of "CLAW" 's numbers, and I want you to know that integrity is of the utmost importance to me.
The book's ethos suggests otherwise.
So you read it.
Thank you.
Um, well, I really am a neophyte at this.
So my publisher can speak to this better than I can.
Quinn's right.
Integrity is important.
So is honesty.
There were bulk sales that contributed to "CLAW" 's numbers due to a series of forthcoming speaking events.
I am extremely proud to be the first to announce that Quinn Tyler is running for Senate in the great state of California.
[ALL GASPING.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[LAUGHS.]
Do you have any idea what you just did? Take a bow.
The line is ticking, push us on Stepping up, game on, game on, game on - You can't keep my down - Game on Can't keep my down [ROCK MUSIC.]
Thanks for meeting us, Redmond.
I assume you saw Quinn Tyler's story in the "Times.
" - And the "Post," and "WIRED.
" - I did.
Kelsey, you're a messy bitch who lives for drama.
I stan.
So now that the dagger is cleared up, we want to talk about Audrey Colbert again.
Aw, adorbs! Well, I'm sure she would come racing back to you, but we just accepted another offer last night.
- What? - It wasn't Jackie Dunn, was it? No, we actually went with a new little start-up - called Mercury.
- Who? What masochist would start a publishing company - in this client? - Not my money, not my problem.
But Kelsey, you do know the editor very well.
Zane Anders? Unbelievable.
At least I didn't pay for that champagne.
What if we counter the offer? Whatever it is, we will top it.
Well, the offer is now 800,000.
Can you top that? That's a lot of money.
[PHONE BUZZING.]
It's "Nightline" calling for Audrey again.
Hello? They have a better table uptown.
Good-bye! [DANCE MUSIC.]
I don't understand.
Where would Zane get that kind of money?