Younger (2015) s07e08 Episode Script

The Baroness

Previously on "Younger"
I think it's time that I actually buy
my own apartment in New York City.
Check out this cutie-patootie
crib I found.
Casting for a real estate TV show.
- Are you out of your mind?
- You won't believe the perks,
and this will be really
good for your brand.
This is a show that I
did about trans women
on the Lower East Side.
Uh, Professor, what
do you call that one?
That's called "My Wife."
Maybe you're not a good
fit here after all.
What're you doing here?
Just thought you might
need a friend right now.
Thank you.
I thought you guys were perfect
for each other, what happened?
Well, he wanted to get married again,
- and I just didn't.
- Yeah, that's a fast proposal.
Must be an old guy thing.
You know, no time to lose before
they head towards that light.
No, he's just traditional.
Are you okay, Mom?
I mean, you really loved him, and
you still have to work with him.
It's fine, we're adults.
- I guess the only problem is
- Quinn Tyler.
Is that Quinn Tyler?
Right. Yep, that is Quinn Tyler.
Oh, my God. Have you read her new book?
It's amazing.
Honey, we published it.
Wait, so you know her? Like,
she would know your face?
- She kinda would, yeah.
- Okay, then I gotta meet her.
She's my hero.
Lady, your food!
Quinn? Hi.
Liza, hello. I thought
I smelled the food cart.
What a stomach you must have.
Um, I just I wanted to introduce you
to my daughter, this is Caitlin.
Oh, my God, Miss Tyler, I'm a huge fan.
We all are up at school.
Oh, that's so kind.
Where do you go, Smith?
Are you a legacy? Your mom
strikes me as a Smith girl.
I saw her wearing loafers once.
Uh, no, I'm at Vassar.
Oh, I went to Vassar!
Class of what does that matter?
- What year are you?
- Senior.
Oh, God, isn't it the worst?
You wanna go out in the world,
but you know this is the
best it's ever gonna be.
Ugh, I sobbed all the way through
our last acapella concert.
Wait you sang acapella?
Me too, I'm in this group
called The Troublemakers.
- I'm a Troublemaker.
- No way.
Yes way! Oh, my God!
You know what I actually
carry around is a pitch pipe.
- Okay.
- Ready?
- Ahh ♪
- You take the harmony.
Ahh ♪
La, la, ooh, la, la ♪
Doo, doo, ah, doo, doo, ah, da, doo ♪
Shoop, shoo-bee, doo-bee, doop ♪
Shoo-bee, doo, ahh,
wah, dah, dah, doop ♪
How about you? ♪
- Yay!
- How about you?
Do you still do a group hug
after every performance?
- Yes, we do.
- Okay, then get in here.
I'll see you at the foreign
rights auction meeting.
Oh, wow. She's incredible.
As in, not to be believed, yes.
Oh, I hate myself, I was
this close to asking her,
- and I choked.
- Asking her about what?
Mom, The Spirit of Vassar
Award why I'm in town.
I thought you had Jane Fonda.
She got arrested again.
Can you ask her, Mom?
- Uhh
- It's her alma mater,
it's tomorrow, and it'd
be really good for me
because I'm the one who pushed for Jane.
It's a code red, Mom.
That sounds good to me.
- London, you got that?
- Yes.
- Berlin?
- Yeah.
- Sorry, what's that now?
- Für dich. It means "for you."
Ah, okay, I went a different way.
That was impressive.
We don't usually let our authors
handle the foreign rights auction.
Oh, I know all these boys. They owe me.
So if we're done
Um, actually, can I talk
to you for a second?
Ooh, that sounds ominous.
Should I be scouting the exits?
Yeah, I'm going to go,
uh, duck and cover.
No, it's not about us or Charles.
Look, I know this is probably impossible
because it's tomorrow night,
but my daughter wants me to ask you
if you'd be willing to receive
the Spirit of Vassar Award.
Tomorrow night?
Sounds like somebody canceled.
Right. Um
I get it, it's fine.
- Thank you for being so nice to her.
- So, yeah, I'm available.
Tell her I'd be honored,
and then you can just give
me all the details, right?
Okay, but if you're saying yes now
and you're going to cancel tomorrow,
it's my daughter, and it
really means a lot to her.
Liza, when are you gonna
realize you can trust me?
I promise I'll be there.
I didn't
Thank you.
Onions, what would street
meat be without them?
Oh, Maggie.
Maggie. Maggie, Maggie,
Maggie. There you are.
Cass, it's so great to see you!
Um, you really shouldn't be seeing this.
I was supposed to just
go leave it on your desk.
It's a gift from you know who.
So we're all clear for
that trip to P-town?
Ooh, we have to clear up
a little problem first.
- I thought we did.
- Not the boobs, the tweets.
Have you seen these?
Well, I don't pay attention
to the critics,
I mean, no true artist does.
They're not critics.
They're students,
apparently, and quite angry.
You don't want effigies
burning in the quad.
Believe me, they make
one of me last year
over the tuition increase.
Not flattering, I was in a plaid suit.
I read one or two of them,
and they're completely ridiculous.
I mean, inappropriate.
How am I inappropriate?
You gotta be careful.
These kids are incredibly woke
and your work goes all
the way back to the '90s.
Just think, there could be
other skeletons in your closet.
And what about the Halloweens?
Wh-what Halloweens?
Maggie, there's been
a lot of Halloweens.
Look, I'm your ally here,
but if the students turn on you, I
It's one or two, tops.
Maybe they don't like Italians.
I'm the one who should be angry.
Uh-oh, I don't think your clay is hard.
Oh, my God. This is the one
that I worked so hard on.
Oh, and careful, you could
lose a ring up there.
It happens. Am I right?
- To Kelsey.
- Ah! Here we go.
Tonight, Brett meets a new client,
young, successful, driven.
- That's me.
- With an agenda all her own.
So exciting.
This is the kitchen with the view.
- I don't know.
- Oh, my God.
Okay. At the end of this,
after they're all too expensive,
I kinda say, "I think
I should just give up."
It's so hard seeing what you want so bad
and hearing him say, "It can't happen."
- Devastating.
- Oh, my God.
I have not felt this sad since
Meryl's scene in "Mamma Mia! 2"
when she comes back as a
ghost with good lighting.
- Shh-shh.
- Yeah, it happens.
It's a professional hazard.
Clients get crushes on me.
They're coming off marriages
or relationships
and I'm the guy they lean
on to start their new life
and frankly, I've got
the shoulders for it.
But Kelsey? Oh, my.
She is taking it to a new level.
- Oh.
- I mean, I felt her eyes on me
- all afternoon.
- What?
My God. Kelsey, look
at you looking at him,
you're giving him full
blow-up doll face.
I was looking at the backsplash.
That that's my tumbled granite face.
What can I say? The place
is for sale, not me.
I just don't think I've ever come
across a client this thirsty,
I mean, motivated.
She's comin' in hot.
I can't believe this.
Lauren, this is your fault.
No it's-it's not
that bad, right, guys?
No. No, Kelsey, come on.
You opened that closet,
like, really well.
And I liked how you knew why
copper piping's important.
You said this was gonna
be good for my brand.
Which is what now, exactly, Lauren?
Some desperate, thirsty,
Manhattan bulge-hunter?
Now that actually sounds like a show.
Okay, well, we're just very unhappy
- with how you portrayed her.
- Unhappy, no.
You tell them that I will sue.
Like, they cannot air that again.
Uh-huh, yes, she's here. You know what?
And we're going to bow out.
Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Yes, I will tell her that.
Yeah, I remember.
No, no, no, no.
Yeah, I do. Okay, I gotta go. Bye, bye.
What? You remember what?
Um Apparently I might have signed
a four-episode contract for you
while that cute guy was
wiring you for your mic.
You know, I didn't want
to interrupt a moment
- that might be happening.
- What?
Lauren, wait, I can't quit.
Wait, you can be fired.
Yes, it's reality TV, right?
So they like crazy,
and drunk, and angry.
So you just be calm, be reasonable.
Don't flip over a table or
poop on the floor in Mexico.
You know just they'll move
on to the next crazy person.
Hm, okay, so that's your
plan. Just act dull.
Kels, come on, you can do this.
Just be that girl you
are in the mornings,
when you start telling
me about your dreams.
Oh, that's nice. Charles is
doing the publisher thing
and walking in with his author.
Mom, are Quinn and Charles
Yes, they are dating buddies,
and thus, naturally,
- he accompanies her unto gatherings.
- She's his rebound?
Oh, God, you should have told
me, I never would've asked.
Then you wouldn't have
saved the day, right?
And I wanted you to save the day.
I will try to hate her a little for you,
but after tonight, okay?
Don't hate her.
I don't even hate her.
Come on, Mom, you're only human.
Yeah, the human who needs a drink.
I know it's only four months
until you're legal, but no.
Whatever. Dad will get me one.
- Say what now?
- Dad!
He wanted to come.
I hope that's not a big deal.
God, no.
What a super fun evening
this is turning out to be.
- I'll be right back.
- Hey, Liza. You're looking well.
You, too. I think one of
your gums is bleeding.
Ooh, yeah, yeah.
That's been happening. No big deal.
Uh, just yeah.
Developing a teeth whitening system,
so I dialed it up to 11.
I didn't know you were gonna be here.
Well, I dumped enough
money into this place.
Time to recoup with a little
free chicken dinner, right?
Yeah. One chicken dinner
ought to even you right up.
So this is a classic pre-war five,
but actually built last year.
So pre the next war?
You look, uh, I don't know, down.
No, I don't talk when I look,
which may not make very interesting
or compelling viewing,
which could result in lower
ratings, but it's just me.
No, no, no, you're tender today.
No, not at all.
I'm just
I know this building,
and there's nothing under two million.
I threw a party on the
penthouse for my company.
Oh, and your company is important
to you, isn't it, Kelsey?
It's lonely at the top.
I'm not lonely.
I'm extremely popular,
and you know what?
- What?
- No, no, no.
I'm not I'm I'm good, I'm fine.
I'm not not doing this.
Well, I may not be able to make
all your dreams come true,
but how about these bookshelves, huh?
Your love of books is
one thing I can satisfy.
I mean, it's like it was made
for a, I don't know, say,
a young publishing exec
who sometimes curls up
with a novel to nurse a broken heart.
- Oh, hang on.
- Oh, my gosh.
That's one of your books, right?
Is this cut in half?
What the hell is this?
It's genius, right?
I mean, you don't want
a big, old bookcase
eating up floor space.
- Solution: faux.
- Okay, I'm done.
This whole show is insane.
You haven't shown me one
apartment I can afford
- and and now this?
- Okay.
This is aspirational TV.
No one in America wants to
see what you can afford.
You are just wasting my time.
And guys, he's wasting your time, too.
And just so you know,
America, I can do a lot better
than a guy who talks about his cats,
and their many moods in between takes.
And speaking of faux,
that's a sock in his pants.
Yeah, wardrobe told me.
Starting to sound a lot like
hell hath no fury like a wo
- Ugh!
- Kelsey.
Rob. Clare's ex. How are you?
Do you know what they're
doing in your building
on the 20th floor, that TV show?
I'm guessing you're gonna tell me.
That stupid reality show
where we're supposed to pretend
we're gonna find our dream home,
but instead they humiliate
you and won't let you quit.
So you are one of their clients.
I I did not know that.
- So you're in on this?
- I work with them.
Yeah, and all the big developers do.
We gotta move these apartments.
Well, you know what?
Next time you try to sell
an apartment to a publisher,
don't line the walls
with decapitated books.
No wonder Clare dumped you.
For me, the real spirit of Vassar
is in the young people it educates.
Now, I've met some of them tonight,
and there's one young lady in particular
who is in perfect tune with
our cherished alma mater,
and I wanna thank her.
I want to thank all of you.
Now I have a dessert to finish.
Good night, everybody.
Wow. Hot millionaire.
Respect, man.
Was that shout out for me?
- Yeah.
- Thank you for that
and for this really,
thank you so much.
Aw, anything for a Troublemaker.
Speaking of teeth, how's
your relationship with yours?
'Cause I'm launching a
teeth whitening company.
Right now, we're just kinda
putting together the synergy,
the vertical integration,
and the metrics.
- The metrics.
- I'd love to explain it all to you,
walk you through my vision
for America's mouth.
You know, the healthcare segment
is one of the certainties of our time.
So take this card. She's
the head of my VC firm.
Venture capital firm.
She might be able to smooth
out your learning curve.
Or vice versa. I'm always very
happy to share my expertise.
Thank you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I just I just wanted
to say thank you.
- Aw.
- And I don't know, I just
I wish I understood you better.
Hell, I know.
I've written two books about
me, and I can tell you,
bitch is unpredictable.
No, I'm serious.
I wanna think that you've changed
and Charles obviously does,
but you kinda built a trap for me
the night of your book
launch, and I fell into it.
Are you that person or this one?
You need to remember
that you were digging for dirt on me
in order to get between me and Charles,
so I had to play rough.
I knew it didn't look great,
but when it comes to him,
I'd rather save my ass than my face.
Doesn't he deserve that?
Look, you may not know me,
but I know who you are.
You're Maria von Trapp,
you're sweetness and light,
and pillow fights and guitars,
and I am just not that.
Whether I like it or not,
I'm the baroness.
Nobody roots for the baroness.
But what they always forget is
the baroness loved the Captain.
She loved him very much.
Good night, Liza.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Funny thing, I meant to tell you
that I had breakfast with Dylan Park
at Marlow and Sons the other day.
Oh, how did she like your notes?
Good. Great. Yeah.
But as we were leaving,
we ran into Lottie from "Vulture,"
and I pitched a piece about
INKubator for their site.
I thought, let 'em run a sidebar
or a chapter of Dylan's book.
Dylan was fine with it if we
are anything we want.
I mean, I think that could work.
Ohh, thank God,
'cause Lottie kinda jumped the gun
and it dropped today, a half-hour ago.
- What? Oh, my God.
- I know.
But read the comments. They love it.
Lottie says it's already driving
a lot of traffic to the site.
She wants another chapter. Are you mad?
Oh, my God.
They love it. Oh, my God!
Our little INKubator is taking off.
I know.
Oh, my God, can you stop these?
Whoa. What are you talking about?
Look at these tweets. I've
read nicer things about me
on the wall of the men's
room in high school.
I mean, at least they
were more accurate.
Wait, trans-phobic?
You're not trans-phobic.
No, no, but I guess I
triggered some students
when I mentioned my old show,
you know, "Gypsies,
Trannies, and Thieves."
Uhh Did you use air quotes, at least?
I know, I know.
But it's what we used to call
each other back in the day.
I mean, technically, we don't
say gypsy anymore, either.
It's Romani or traveller.
But, hey, thieves is still okay, though.
You know, that's my problem.
I've never been a tiptoe person,
but, you know, thank God, 'cause
that show put me on the map.
- It's not adult ed, is it?
- No.
All right, 'cause if you're teaching
a bunch of college students,
I don't think these tweets
came from them.
- How can you tell?
- You got Twitter for desktop,
um, this quote from Leslie Stahl,
and the lingo who says, razzamatazz?
If you ask me, you made one real enemy,
and they're definitely
too old to be a student.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Thank you. Give me this.
- Yeah.
- Thank you. Oh, my God.
- I gotta go. I'll call you later.
- Okay.
- Can I have a word with you, Dean?
- Yes, come in. Listen,
I'm afraid the situation
is going sideways.
We've had more tweets.
Ooh, your poor little fingers.
It must be really hard
typing razzamatazz.
So many Z's.
I'm sorry. I don't understand.
I know it was you.
"Groovy," "right on" and a
quote from Billie Jean King.
This was all you.
You set me up,
because you didn't believe
me about Kamila.
Of course I don't believe you.
She gave me a bust of
herself last Christmas.
Why would she give me another one?
You pressured her, to send
you photos of her bosom.
And worse than that, you
are damaging these kids
with your antiquated views.
Me? Antiquated?
You wear rouge and told
me to pack my valise
- for Provincetown.
- Well, guess what?
You can unpack it, 'cause you're fired.
You brought this on yourself.
And I don't blame Kamila,
poor thing, she's vulnerable,
she's struggling, you took advantage,
she's trying to overcome
her sexual blocks.
Oh, she overcomes all right,
like the flume ride at Coney Island,
like a broken shower head,
like an open fire hydrant
in a hot city street.
- Get out!
- No. You know what?
Not without my clay tits.
Oh, excuse me my clay bosom.
I meant to decline, I'm sorry. Bye
Hang on, hang on.
I just wanted to let you know
that you are out of the show,
and they've agreed not
to run your episode.
Are you serious?
How did that happen?
Eight of the next ten locations
are in my buildings.
I call it leverage,
I think they call it blackmail,
- Potato, potahto.
- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.
- And I learned my lesson here,
you know, reality is not my friend.
I learned a lesson, too.
Next time I stage an apartment,
I'm gonna use real books.
I was thinking maybe you
could help me pick some out.
You want books, Rob,
I will send you a list,
along with a link to a little
trade secret we call Amazon.
Hey, I live on Amazon,
but I was thinking of maybe supporting
a nice independent bookstore.
I recycle, got bamboo sheets,
I'm pretty left-wing for a money-hungry
real estate developer,
if you grade on a curve.
There is literally nothing you could
say that would persuade me
to get within five feet of someone
in Manhattan real estate.
I've got two things.
One: no cameras.
And two: I will only
buy Empirical books.
No, uh Not Empirical,
Millennial books.
I'd like to be loyal
to the classic brands.
Meet me at Little Shop, 7:00 p.m.
Lauren wanted some promo copies.
I can't believe the sales.
And no daggers this time.
I just got off the phone with Caitlin.
She said you arranged an
internship for her this summer
with Mind Palace podcasts.
It's my pleasure. When you're a soprano,
you have to love your altos.
They're the frame.
And she's a great kid.
I'm assuming mostly thanks to you.
David's not so bad.
Not to her, anyway.
I had a David a Harry actually.
But I got rid of him as
soon as I figured that out.
Harry? He's not in your books.
Not my happiest memory.
God, I thought I was
so smart bailing early,
but maybe you was smarter.
You stayed, you did the marriage thing,
and you got Caitlin out of the deal.
I do a lot of deals, but
I don't have a Caitlin.
Probably never will.
Of course, not going through
childbirth has certain compensations.
Everything down here
is exactly the way God
and my waxer Fabian made me.
See, don't worry, I'm still me.
See you later.
Oh, this is enough for ten bookshelves,
20 if I cut 'em in half.
Ha, ha.
Okay, well, it was fun.
My train's on the corner.
Oh, no, no, Freddie can take
you anywhere you want.
Home or maybe dinner with
a friendly book lover.
You dated Clare.
We broke up last month.
Oh, wow, a whole 30 days.
Are you even close with Clare?
- What's her last name?
- Uhh, something Irish?
O'Something McSomething.
Oh, nope.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
What if I call you tomorrow?
Is 31 the magic number, or is it day 41?
I can count really high.
It's a hard pass. Thank you, though,
and my authors, they thank you, too.
Tell them they're welcome.
Okay. Well, good night.
O'Reilly! Clare O'Reilly.
Good night, Kelsey.
It's probably a good thing.
You're an artist.
And the whole teaching thing
might have become
this great distraction.
Yeah, you know what they say,
those who can't do teach, right?
Yeah, and those who do
the Dean's wife, can't.
You know, you're right
and this show is who I am,
I can't wait to see
Hey, what are you doing with that sign?
Maggy Amato's been canceled.
- No, you mean postponed.
- No, canceled.
Not just the show, the
person she's canceled.
Have you read what they've been
saying about her on Twitter?
Who are you?
Nobody, I guess.
Next time on "Younger"
- Who would we be working with?
- Both of us.
- It'll be a double date.
- Ha.
Liza, this is really good.
He proposed?
I'm not really looking for a
complicated dating situation.
Clare and I ended things amicably.
And have you asked Clare
how she feels about that?
Well, it's never too late to
be what you might have been.
You believe that's true?
I should've seen this coming.
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