You're The Worst (2014) s04e01 Episode Script

It's Been

(LIGHTER CLICKING) (URINATING) Hey, Jimmy! (ROOSTER CROWS) I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway Gonna leave you anyway.
(DOORBELLS JINGLE) How's that fence holding up? Fine, Jimmy.
(ENGINE ROARING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (CHUCKLES) (DOOR OPENS) (DOOR CLOSES) AUTOMATED VOICE: At the sound of the tone, the time will be 2:58 and 30 seconds.
Hey, Ringo.
What episode are we on? JIMMY: Uh, 15.
(TV BEGINS PLAYING) Hey, did your power go out last night? Nope.
Mine did.
It's back on now.
Probably a loose hook-up.
RAE (OVER TV): So if you think this stunt is a little too dangerous, then we can come up - with something else.
- COLT: We'll stick to the script.
HOWIE: Yeah, Colt's right.
The only way we stand a chance of making a buck on this picture is if we come in on budget.
HARRY: The budget doesn't matter; the world's waiting to see my script.
HOWIE: Come on, Harry, do you really think that the world is waiting - to see a low-budget flick called - (KNOCKING ON DOOR) HOWIE AND HARRY: Death Car Hookers.
(HARRY LAUGHS) Goddamn it.
- HOWIE: Come on.
- (RAE LAUGHS) HARRY: I rewrote the car wash scene, so we do it outside and we save Hey-ya, Burt.
We were just wondering if you wanted to take a walk with us.
A walk to where? Uh, just a little walk, for fun.
The gas station's selling something called boba tea.
- (CHUCKLES) - That Fall Guy.
And you know, in your heart There is no reason He can no more change your mind Than you can change a season Oh How long has it been Since you said good-bye to him? How long has it been? (MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE) WOMAN: Hey, Jimmy.
Good set.
I've never heard a guy do Meredith Brooks's "Bitch" before.
It was pretty cool.
I read that book you recommended, the Henning Mankell memoir.
It was really affecting.
Of course.
Yeah, I'll give you some more recommendations, if you like.
Hey, do you want to go for a drive, or something? To where? Nowhere, just for fun.
I can't, but thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
(HORN HONKING) MAN: Slow down, Burt.
A Sport and a Pastime isn't in yet, but we can e-mail you.
I don't have e-mail.
Oh, well, we have SMS now.
I don't have a cell phone.
I'll check back.
I swear, that Fall Guy.
You know what we should do, Ringo? - Hmm? - When the weather gets a little warmer, get one of those projectors, watch Fall Guy on the side of my trailer, under the stars.
- Mm.
Great idea.
- One more episode.
I want to see if Seavers is gonna land that Jet Ski backflip.
Ooh, they have fluffer-grahams.
What is this? GAIL: Oh, Clifford's kids are visiting from New Hampshire.
- Say hi to Burt, family.
Can I, uh, pour you a glass of Chablis? Best boxed wine money can buy.
I guess.
MAN: Don't get too close to the fire, there.
GAIL: I was just about to play a song, I hope you don't mind.
Oh, God.
Oh, hush, you old grump.
Oh, Danny boy The pipes, the pipes Are calling From glen to glen And down the mountainside The summer's gone And all the roses Do you live here? Falling Why are you asking? This place is for old people.
- Is it? - So why are you here? - They had a vacancy.
Go away.
- But this place is for old people.
- This is getting very repetitive.
- Does your grandma live here? Oh, my God! My grandmother doesn't live anywhere.
- He lives here.
- Why do you live here? I'll tell you what, I The entire point of the United States is the guarantee of autonomy and personal liberty.
- What does that mean? - It means it's none of your goddamn business why he's living here.
- MAN: Hey, now.
- Burt.
You shut up.
Clifford, control your family.
- Burt.
- Ugh! To hell with this.
I'll have some more.
That's a much better name than "fluffer-grahams.
" (GLASS CLINKING) BURT: Goddamn it.
(METAL CLATTERING) Son of a Would you please shut up? I lost my goddamn keys! They're not on the hook! Oh.
Well, then, by all means, wake me from my erotic slumber.
Janis Joplin was just about to go onstage.
I always put them on a goddamn key hook.
But they're not there.
Son of a gun, shit turd pile.
- Jesus, man, your memory.
- I don't want to watch.
What? Did more of your friends die? You think you'd be used to it by now.
Come on.
It's a stupid show.
What is he, a stuntman or a crime fighter? Pick one.
He's living a lie.
Well, let's go to the library and pick something else out.
There's a, there's a little show called Nash Bridges.
I don't have my goddamn keys.
How can we go to the library if my keys are missing? What, and you think they'll be in this box of old crap? I don't know.
I've looked everywhere.
(CHUCKLES) Me and Marty Szymanski.
We rode motorcycles across Australia in the '60s.
A goddamn wallaby made me lay down going 50.
Fractured my tibia.
(CHUCKLES) It was a great trip.
Right, library.
I'll drive.
Fine, Ringo.
But BMWs are for lady travel agents.
I'll lie down in back so no one sees me.
JIMMY: House of Cards.
Takes place when you were a child.
Ugly Betty.
The Profiler.
Yeah, you're right.
The DVD selection is pathetic here.
But what do you expect from a town whose tax money all goes to opioid treatment and bark beetle eradication? We could drive into town.
Why don't you just call a locksmith to make you new keys? I'm not gonna pay someone 500 goddamn dollars to make a new key for my own goddamn car.
That's exactly what we don't need, more garbage and confusion.
Everything in this country is disposable! Something goes wrong, throw it out! Drive to Walmart.
Buy a new one.
You can't.
No keys.
Chinese can make you another, three cents on the dollar.
Who cares if it's covered in dog dust and toxic paint? They're my keys, and I need to have my keys! Goddamn it! L.
Just get in.
That car is all I have.
What about you and Marty whatever with the motorcycles? Marty died in 1997.
No, I meant you have the photo.
Burt? Burt.
Burt! What are you? B Lunatic.
Hello, Jimmy.
So, uh, how's Burt been the last few days? Appalling.
He's acting like a little bitch, frankly.
He threw a tantrum and ran into the woods.
He's probably dead in a gulley by now.
I was afraid of that.
This must be a big adjustment for him.
I know how much he loves that silly car.
There's anything you can do to help keep his mind off it or cheer him up a little bit (CLEARS THROAT) Listen.
Can I confide in you, Jimmy? - Please don't.
- It's just that - Read the room, Gail.
- Even before you turned up, Burt had already been well we concluded it was best if he didn't drive anymore, so I took his keys.
I hate to deceive him, but he won't face reality.
There are certain things I can't do anymore.
Bend down.
Read without a magnifying glass.
The point is you learn new things.
Like, I'm learning HTML and glassblowing.
I made this jellyfish.
Anyway, I We just care about him a lot.
Thanks for keeping this between us.
Eight out of ten.
Would bang.
Oh, oh, and I'll make you lap it up, up, up Oh, oh, and I'll make you lap it up, up, up You got that nothing-something violence I could never know, but You got my vengeance coming (ELECTRONIC VOCALIZING) Yeehaw! Slow down! Slow down, Burt! Jesus Christ! Nope.
(SIGHS) That batty Gail, thinking you wouldn't tell me.
I should have had her arrested.
I still might.
The one inalienable right we all have is the right to be left alone.
It's sad, Jimmy, these people, my peers, they used to be robust, ballsy, young.
Now they're these husks huddled against what, death? So petrified of life that the minute they see someone actually living, they have to shut it down so it doesn't remind them they gave up years ago.
Now we can finally get back to it.
It's a bit dated, but there's a satisfying Albee-esque bite, if you can see past the mullets and baggy suits.
Being without my car made me feel (CHUCKLES) I felt old.
Like them.
So, I'm hitting the road.
- What? - I used to live in Cape Coral.
I figure I'll drive down, see how it's changed, and visit some of my old buddies from the Navy down in the Keys, if any of them are still alive.
I'm talking five, six days to get down there, just me and the open road.
Are you seriously leaving? Don't cry, Ringo.
You can watch L.
whatever without me.
The thing is yes, Gail has terrible taste in lawn ornaments and literature and jogging attire, but maybe she has a point? You ran over my hibachi three times, man.
No, I didn't.
What? Okay, well, yes, you did, first of all.
That is disturbing that you deny it.
But listen, Burt, right, I'm not gonna talk down to you, okay? You are an adult.
My God, it's pathetic for anyone to live in anything but the truth.
Okay? And your truth is, Burt, you are no longer a driver.
I-I used to find it amusing.
Old man in a hot rod.
But Gail's right.
You are dangerous.
No, I'm not.
And even if you make it to Florida, you're gonna be alone.
I like being alone.
Burt, you have people here who care about you.
Out there, zero.
Just live in reality, man.
You're serious? You've been hiding out in a retirement community where your only friend is a 71-year-old who can barely stand you.
It's been three months.
You ever wonder why I never asked what you're hiding from? Because it's none of my goddamn business! But you might want to ask yourself that question before you try to interfere in my life.
You're only 71? Jesus Christ.
What were you? A Nepali Sherpa? (LAUGHS) You look like a boat dock came to life.
Remind me to moisturize next time.
(GROANS) JIMMY: You're all witnesses! You all saw that! MAN: Come on, Burt.
Oh, thank you.
Air conditioning goes down, place smells like the inside of a garbage disposal.
BOY (WHISPERING): This is so boring.
- I just want to go home.
- Look at their hair.
BOY (WHISPERING): This was made in the '80s.
GIRL: Do you think I would know this? (BOTH GROAN) Shh.
("ARE YOU MY LOVE?" BY KELLEY STOLTZ PLAYING) Are you my love? Are you my love? Are you the one that I've been thinking of? Are you my love? I've been holding the door I've been holding the door Are you the one that I've been waiting for? I've been holding the door Everything bagel and cream cheese, black coffee.
Electricity rained How my lips stung From whispering your name Tell me, baby, true.
Are you my love? Are you my love? Are you the one that I've been thinking of? Are you my love? Aw, hey, dog.
I've been holding the door Are you the one that I've been waiting for? I've been holding the door Are you my love? Are you my love? - Bup! Are you my love? Are you the one that I've been dreaming of? - (COUGHING) - Jesus.
(À LA DOLORES O'RIORDAN): With their tanks And their bombs, and their bombs And their guns, in your head In your head you're crying In their head, in your head Zombie, zombie Zombie-ie-ie-ie.
Linds, I discovered this awesome radio station! Jack FM it is not your father's rock station.
You see, Jack just plays whatever he wants.
They have this great '90s block I've gotten really into.
What a great decade for music.
We were so lucky! (TOILET FLUSHES) Anyway How was your day? So good.
I love my job.
That's so great.
Watch me.
It's like having people expect you to be somewhere actually makes you want to go there.
Plus, I get money.
- Look, I put beads in my hair.
- Hmm.
You should use it at work.
"Teenage white girl on vacation" is gonna be huge this year.
I'm finally contributing to society.
By being a stylist's assistant? Helping make people less ugly? It's God's work, Gretch.
This is the tits! I'm playing with clothes during the day, and then I come home, and you're here, and Paul isn't.
I love my new life.
Yeah, but I don't know.
- What? - I love it, too.
But we're doing the same thing every night.
You know, drinking, smoking weed.
I'm afraid we might be in a rut.
Okay, well, we can go out in the hood.
Get Korean barbecue, and then go to one of those karaoke places where they don't like white people.
I have a better idea.
Why don't we stay here and smoke crack? Where did you get crack? From one of the homeless people outside.
I didn't even have to leave the apartment.
He just came to the window and asked if I wanted to buy some crack, and I said yes! Ten dollars for all that crack.
Can you believe it? Maybe smoking crack isn't the best idea.
The guy who sold it to me couldn't disagree more.
WOMAN: Lindsay, did you get those swatches from Antwerp? - Hello? - Lindsay? Can I see you in my office? Lindsay, I wanted to - I smoked crack.
- What? Thank you for this opportunity.
I'm sorry I let you down.
Lindsay, sit.
You've been here on a trial basis for over a month now.
Are you enjoying yourself? So much.
It's the dream I didn't know I had.
I feel like I found a family here.
Plus, the free food is a nice perk.
We don't have free food.
Anyway, how would you like to come work for me full-time? What?! Yes! I mean, I might be amenable to that.
Do you have a piece of paper on which I should write my opening salary offer? (LAUGHS) You're funny.
You have got a great eye, and you're the most positive person we've ever had.
I really value you, Lindsay.
Okay, well, you'll start at a base of $45K, plus commission on any new clients you bring in.
Now that you're out of your probationary period, the real work begins.
You don't have to do any more of those dummy chores.
Carl can do all that crap.
I want you to start thinking like a designer.
Read these.
They're a good start for understanding my style, philosophy and influences, and probably the origins of my body dysmorphia.
Why I eat ice for lunch.
(NERVOUS LAUGH) Then come back tonight at 7:00, and we begin.
Tonight? But work is for day.
Honey, making people look good is a 24-hour job.
We have to dress an actor for Jaden Smith's retirement party.
Thanks, Priscilla.
(LINDSAY SIGHS) Shove it up your ass, Carl.
How was work? I had a great day.
The Price Is Right had Plinko, which they never do.
I made a chocolate mug cake.
Also, I started a really cool dinosaur mural on your wall.
Anyway, tonight I made a pitcher of greyhounds with that bag of grapefruits that you thought were limes.
Postmates is bringing us Taco Bell as we speak.
I think I have a little crack left.
(LAUGHS) I can't hang out tonight.
I have to be back at work at 7:00.
But work is for day.
That's what I said.
Oh, well, at least until then, we can get down with our chalupas and watch Fixer Upper.
We drink every time Joanna says, "Shiplap!" That Chip can get it, huh? He can get it all the way, I think.
Actually, I have a whole bunch of reading to do.
Oh, ha-ha.
"I should really get started on those sit-ups if I want to finish in time to catch the news.
" Actually, I really need to concentrate, so maybe you could clear out for, like, an hour or two? - Are you okay? - Yeah, no, it's just, um, I'm not really going outside these days.
- What do you mean? - I haven't left your apartment.
- Since when? - Um three months, two days, give or take.
What?! You mean you haven't even left while I'm at work? But the other day I came home for lunch and jerked it for 45 minutes.
I was hiding under the bed.
Oh So, I take it you're not going to therapy? Wrong! I Skype with that titty-sucking bitch every week.
I am still taking my meds and holding down my job, so she's happy.
Are you holding down your job? I'm paying randos to take care of my bullshit clients, and I told the boys I'm in Europe scouting new talent and making connect Shit, shit! I'm late for my Skype with them.
Oh, bonjour.
Oh, you're in France now.
God, I love Paris.
Did you go to the Louvre? Oh, no, it's closed.
They're cleaning the rugs.
Uh, where's Honey Nutz? He couldn't make it.
He said he had a colonoscopy.
Isn't he young for that? Well, he said it's never too early to start, but come on, we all know the truth, right? Zachary craves any kind of human touch.
Anyway, bitch, what opportunities have you gotten for us? You've been gone forever.
I am laying important groundwork.
I'm talking you up to all the music press, the influential bloggers.
Uh, pardonnez-moi, uh, un ashtray, s'il vous plaî.
It's just that you've been gone for a long time, and we actually have press needs here.
I tweet-threatened Connie Chung yesterday, and not a peep, Gretchen, not one peep.
Guys, there is a surging hunger for American hip-hop in Europe right now.
You know, because of Brexit.
You can't deny that.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- That makes sense.
- Anyway, I'm going to Hot Mix 97.
8 tonight.
They are playing you on their Magnifique Mash-up Hour.
Make sure they play "Titty Tag.
" - Or "Pussy on Swoll.
" - Mm-hmm.
Uh, voulez voulez.
(CHUCKLES) I have to go.
- Ciao.
- Also, make sure you - Girl.
- Right? No, I meant girl You have got to leave the apartment.
Sweetie, just go outside for an hour.
You're listening to poor-people radio.
You have the bush of an old Italian man.
You're doing crack.
But isn't it kind of awesome, though, that I came straight here after Jimmy left me on that hill, and haven't left? Like, that is pretty much straight baller when you think about it.
What if I run into him and then I die? I'm trying to stalk him online, but that idiot hasn't updated anything.
Have you figured out why he left yet? Why he asked me to be his wife and then drove away? Best I can figure, he was paid by one of my enemies.
It was just a long con to prank me by someone who I did wrong.
Probably Jason Mraz for when I called him a fedora-wearing diarrhea.
Do you believe Edgar that he hasn't heard from Jimmy? Oh, no.
Edgar is obviously covering for him.
Really? That fink.
Well, no one lies to me.
Hey, do you know where those Eskimo Pies are that I put in the freezer? Oh, I forgot to tell you, the police came for them.
Oh, well.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR) Come in! - Lindsay.
- What are you doing? I'm just trying to come up with some pitch ideas for the show I'm working on, Doug Loves Sketche.
It's about sketches.
Doug loves 'em.
I know, I watched season one.
- I loved "Guido Baby.
" - (GASPS) "Guido Baby" was mine.
You could totally tell! BOTH: "Wah! Oh!" Jimmy! Jimmy, I'm coming down! - What are you doing? - I know he's here.
- He's really not.
- Please.
I could read people like a deck of cards, and you're holding the "Q" of clovers.
Give him up, chico! Where is he? He's not here.
He never came back, okay? Do you know how hard that was for me? At first, I drove around looking for him, from bar to bar, every night.
Showing photos, asking around.
I even started a hotline.
Tips came in, but they never led anywhere.
Now I just keep a light on for him and I leave him messages every once and awhile - just to hear his voice.
- (MUSIC ENDS) But life goes on.
It must.
Ha! That's too many details.
I redecorated.
Would I dare do that if Jimmy was still here? He'd kill you.
(WHISPERS): Exactly.
(SIGHS) (SIGHS) So he just never came home from proposing? He just disappeared? Maybe he moved back to England.
I don't know.
But he's gone.
WOMAN (ON TV): So you're sure a handsome fellow like you - doesn't have a girlfriend.
LINDSAY: You won L.
- What? - Jimmy never came home either.
Guess you guys are both pussies.
Gretch, he's gone.
He must've drove back to England.
- Thanks.
- WOMAN (ON TV): I saw everything! MAN: Since this is obviously over, I'll just be (BLEEP) honest.
I was gonna bang that chick.
(CAR HORN HONKS) (EXHALES) (SIREN WAILING) (HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) So, what would you say your most pressing style needs - are right now? - Trends.
I need to be told what the trends are going to be.
Like what are people wearing in Japan next year? Hmm? Also, been really feeling poopy pants these days.
No autographs.
(SNAPS) You need to go! Hi! You guys are out of Goldfish, by the way.
- Can I help you? - Um, sorry.
That's my Sorry.
(WHISPERS): What are you doing? I tried to go outside, but it's boring as shit.
It's just busses and old Asian ladies with the wheelie carts.
When did sounds get so loud, yo? Anyway, so I came here.
- What are you guys doing? - Gretchen! I need you to listen to me.
I cannot be your only person.
Why not? Gretchen, this is my place of business.
- But I don't want to go.
- Go.
Mentally ill neighbor.
(CHUCKLES) Thanks, Obama.
(BOTH LAUGH) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING FROM CAR STEREO) (SIGHS) (GASPS) Oh, good! You're done! What are we gonna do now? Have you been out here the whole time?! Yeah, just like three hours.
- (SIGHS) - You told me to wait outside.
I introduced this cabbie to Jack FM.
(SINGSONGY): He loves it! (LAUGHS) Not that Jack would care.
That guy does not play by society's rules.
I meant go outside into the world.
You are losing your shit and moping about your ex-boyfriend, but Not "ex," he's not my ex-boyfriend.
We're still technically engaged.
Are you goddamn kidding me? I don't know! Who knows?! You don't know! Do you know? (SIGHS) You are my best friend in the entire world.
- We share a toothbrush.
- We do? But you can't come home tonight.
I can go anywhere.
I know, let's go kill someone.
- Focus! - Okay.
That's better.
Babe, this is for your own good.
I am only going to say this once: Gretchen, it's been One week since you looked at me Cocked your head to the side and said "I'm angry" Five days since you laughed at me You said, "Get back together, come back and see me" Three days since the living room Realized it's all my fault, but couldn't tell you Yesterday you'd forgiven me But it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry Hold it now and watch me hoodwink Make yourself think Think you're looking at Aquaman I summon fish to the dish, although I like the Chalet Swiss, I like the sushi 'Cause it's never hits the frying pan, hot like wasabi When I bust rhymes Big like LeAnn Rimes 'cause I'm all about value - Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits.
- (SCREAMS) I can't take it anymore! - EDGAR: What's wrong? - Well, I just got done with a full day at work.
And then I had night work, and now I have homework.
That's three kinds of work.
And Gretchen won't give me any space.
She Canada-rapped at me.
You and me, we have jobs now.
We are businesspeople.
(GULPS) Edgar? We're the serious ones now.
Oh, my God.
- I miss them.
- Me, too.
(AS JIMMY): My God, at least use - a coaster, woman.
- (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (AS GRETCHEN): But I'm too busy looking at awesome dogs on the Internet.
Right, that's it, I can't take it anymore! I'm going downstairs.
Well, I was gonna go down there anyway to take a shower and not wash my legs.
Maybe I'll work on my tree house blueprint.
Perhaps I'll add a wall.
Don't bug me in there, I'm gonna be jerking it to gangbang porn.
I'm going to drink alcohol in my bed and read a very boring book.
No, pay attention to me.
I'm Gretchen.
Play with my hair.
Rambling speech about myself, pointed insult, mock horror, extended metaphor that gets off track, and then I call myself out for it! (CHUCKLING): Thirstiness, nasal laugh, being gross.
Yet another reminder that I'm mentally ill.
Play with me.
Come on, I'm Gretchen.
- Kiss me! - Stop bothering me! - I'm bored.
- All right, fine, I'll kiss you.
- Jesus! - Yeah.
- Well, do me already, dummy.
- Ah, fine.
Is this seat taken? Why, no.
(BOTH PANTING) Listen, Edgar, that was really good sex.
Right? Like really good.
But just so you know, I'm really committed to my job right now and I don't want you to get your feelings hurt.
(PANTING SOFTLY) (EXHALES SLOWLY) I am so glad you said that because, as amazing as that was, I feel, like, nothing for you.
I am all about my job right now.
- Really? - Yeah.
Good, then.
- So, wait, we just had dope sex, and don't feel the need to discuss it.
Not at all.
And we could, like, do this again whenever we feel like it or not And be fine either way.
I think so.
Me, too.
(LAUGHS) - Cool.
- Cool.
- Cool.
- Cool.
You know, I could go again.
(CLAPS) How about this? An hour of sustained work, and then round two.
- You are so smart.
- Pssh! - (CHUCKLES) - (SIGHS) - All right.
- Phew! - This is so great.
- (PAGE FLIPS) After all that time with annoying-ass Gretchen, you're not even trying to bother me while I - Shh - Sorry.
(SIGHS DEEPLY) Living in a concrete jungle Searching for something that I Don't think I'll ever find Come here, you.
Chisel the walls of the city That blinds me Mmm.
There she is.
Oh, I missed you.
To relate to (MOANS) Divine.
(PHONE CHIMES AND VIBRATES) (TY MOANS SOFTLY) Take me home I am ready for it I know you can love More than I can (TY MOANING) Take me home