You're The Worst (2014) s05e07 Episode Script

Zero Eggplants

1 Why am I hiding? Why don't I speak? What am I waiting for? (giggles) - How you feeling? - Good.
You sure you're okay he's coming? I'm not angry anymore.
I think it might even be good to see him.
We float, we're floating Why can't I let Myself out? What's your end-of-life plan? Easy, toss me off something.
Huh? I want to know how it feels to fly.
- Oh - Ooh.
Or sex murder me.
Yeah, scratch that.
Sex murder me for sure.
I'll be on Nancy Grace 24/7, a nation will mourn.
Don't let Ron Howard's daughter play me in the movie.
We have beef.
I want to be cremated, with my ashes kept for eternity in an urn on your mantel.
You may remarry, just no one sexier than me.
The one exception being Mark Ruffalo.
Fair enough.
Mm (grunts) Actually, I'm pretty tired.
Oh, okay.
Okay, good night.
It's just that uh, we've-we've sort of created an expectation where we do sex whenever - one of us wants it.
- And yet I'm still tired.
- Are you mad about the florist? - I'm fine.
- I want to make it up to you.
- Don't bother.
- You can't.
- How can we make it even? Do you want to sock me in the face? I'm extra bruisey, so you'll get to relish the effects for weeks.
There's nothing you can do about getting your dick sucked.
I could suck a dick.
(chuckles) To even it out.
Like those "take a penny, leave a penny" cups.
Make it a zero-blowjob sum gain for me.
Sounds fair.
You do that.
Suck a dick, Jimmy.
- (chuckles) - No, I'm serious.
Suck a dick.
Suck a dick! Alternately just let me be mad.
I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway Gonna leave you anyway.
Next, we have examples of some of our most popular fillings.
Uh, butterscotch-cream cheese, almond ganache, lemon curd, Earl Grey medley, apricot jam, kiwi-pistachio buttercream.
Hey, you wouldn't think kiwi and pistachio would go well together, and yet, they don't.
- So when's the big day? - June 9.
- (laughs) Six-nine.
- Sex number.
They get it.
What about you? We're already married.
QUINN: We got totally caught up in the hype and spent way too much money on our wedding.
Our ring bearer was an actual bear.
Deep-sixed our finances for years.
RACHEL: So we stick it to the wedding-industrial complex whenever we can.
It feels so good.
Rachel has a personality disorder.
I shoplift.
I mean, I used to.
So scamming free cakes or menu tastings really scratches the itch.
It's our third tasting of the day.
Quinn is in AA.
Micro-transgressions make drinking fucking seltzer water tolerable.
- (both laugh) - I love shoplifting.
I basically stole this whole outfit.
- And Jimmy's a total alcoholic.
- Hmm? Hey, if you guys want our help gaming the system, we could save you a buck or two.
We have low to no morals, so we would be totally up for that.
- QUINN: Hi.
- RACHEL: Oh, hi.
Jimmy, we're gonna have couple friends.
The hardest of passes.
Couple friends, Jimmy.
All married people need couple friends.
It's a must-have.
Couple friends.
Stop saying "couple friends.
" We are not going to have - Couple friends! - (laughter) Thank you so much for having us over, you guys.
Oh, we love wine hangs on the patio.
We have never done this once.
Why not? You have a gorgeous view.
- We do? - Do we? Hmm.
Here is our wedding binder.
The orange tabs are the easiest places to scam.
Purple means you can get actual cash out of them.
DJs, photographers, flowers.
We may actually be in the market for a new florist.
Right, Jimmy? RACHEL: Venues.
- Very cool.
- I'm glad we could do this.
Hey, how are you guys? - Shh.
- Oh, they can't hear us.
We're not really even here anymore.
I don't believe in the Holocaust.
- So, example - I like that you can smoke there.
Let me try.
Um, Gretchen, you eat your butt, and farts from your butt.
Oh (chuckles) So, why'd you ask about me and Gretchen? Oh, well, planning a wedding can be stressful.
Also, because of the little thing with the florist.
(laughs) Rachel and Gretchen have been texting.
So I gather privacy goes out the window with couple friends? Jimmy, you have no secrets anymore.
(chuckles) - Fantastic.
- But seriously, if you ever need someone to listen, I'm here.
Okay, Michael Messner, sociologist and proponent of more emotional elasticity in traditional masculine roles.
I know, I know.
I'm a big old softy.
AA will do that to you.
Never stop drinking, Jimmy.
It's horrible.
Man, I would love to come out here and fly my drone over the reservoir sometime.
Oh, I have a drone, too.
(chuckles) Well, had.
They really should put a "Return Home" button on the controls.
They do.
What do you know? - Mm-hmm.
- (laughs) So, um, what did Gretchen tell Rachel about the, uh, you know, t-the time I let someone else fly my drone? Was she upset about the flight? Because she's been cagey about it.
Well, how would you feel if someone flew her drone? So this place, - these are the photographers.
- (drone whirring) This is the whole section of photographers.
This guy is hot, he's good, - he's passionate - (bushes rustle) They're so cool.
Do you think she likes me? I think she likes me.
Why are you quiet? Does she not like me? Goddamn it.
Of course she did.
Who wouldn't like you? So you talked to Rachel about it.
- About what? - It.
The florist thing.
Yet you won't talk to me about it.
- No.
- But you talked to Rachel about it.
- We're friends.
- She told Quinn.
- They're married.
- And Quinn told me she told him.
Seems like you've cracked the case of who knows what, Dr.
Dolittle talked to animals.
You should be happy for me getting a female friend! I get nervous just texting her because I just know I'm gonna say something that will make her hate me.
So yes, I open up to her, like girls are supposed to do, and it's actually working.
So you should be goddamn happy for me! Hey.
Are you okay? Do you need to up your medication dosage, maybe? You got a blowjob from a vendor for our wedding.
Then let's talk about it.
I told you.
Suck a dick, or leave me alone about it.
Okay, but really what can I do? I am dead serious.
You're right.
That's the only way to make things even.
Put a dick in your mouth and suck on it.
Let me know when you've done that.
(doorbell rings) Hey.
- Hey, girl.
- (laughs): Come in.
Dope place.
It's a flip.
Well, I am flipping for it.
- Cookies! - Thanks.
Such a good idea to do solo hangs.
I know.
Couple friends, solo style.
Also, I can't be around Jimmy right now.
- Still? - Ugh, I don't know.
It's not his fault.
Getting his dick sucked isn't his fault? No, that was.
That was scummy.
I just mean that's not, like all of it, you know? Anyways, let's talk about literally anything else.
Um, rhubarb! Homemade soap! Feminist porn! - The gig economy! - Bowling! Costa Rica! Doughnuts! - Alcohol? - Ladybugs! No, I'm asking do you want some alcohol? Oh, God, yes.
I hope we didn't force this solo hang on the boys.
You think they like each other as much as we do? Impossible.
Why in God's name did I put it out there? I know Gretchen.
That was very foolish.
She made me taste my own ejaculate.
- Yeah, I heard about that.
- Of course you did.
- You were just making a joke, right? - Yes! Well, not a joke precisely.
I was presenting the obvious logical equivalent.
I didn't think she'd latch onto it.
Do you know she hasn't spoken to me since? Wait, am I even supposed to tell you this? I don't know the rules.
I'm sorry, Jimmy.
This is a tough one.
You could just wait her out? Do you know how disconcerting it is to live with someone who will not talk to you? I just keep pretending I'm Harvey Keitel in The Piano and Gretchen is a fetching mute.
You could you know do it.
What? No, no.
No, I can't I couldn't I-I can't do that.
I know, but, I mean, it is just skin.
Attached to a disgusting, hairy, male man.
- Wait, you haven't ever? - No.
Uh I mean, maybe.
I used to black out a lot.
But, look, it's not that big a deal.
It might even be interesting, experientially speaking.
- I do enjoy new experiences.
- Uh-huh.
Though, generally ones with less immediate proximity - to testicles.
- Mm-hmm.
No, look, even if I could S a D, where would I find the D to S? A dating app.
My brother uses this one all the time.
He lets me help him pick dudes.
And you can basically order anything.
It's like Postmates for penis.
Check it out.
You can see what each guy is down for right here.
Here's one! This guy is willing to host and he's looking for oral ASAP.
- Well, he looks pleasant enough.
- Mm-hmm.
- Like a small-town veterinarian.
- Yeah.
Or the first soldier - to die in a war movie.
- Yes.
- Let's make your profile.
- Oh, okay.
Uh, wait, wait.
Um (shutter clicks) Very nice.
Now look like a rough boy.
Mm, maybe go back to the duck lips.
Just a little aggressive.
There we go.
You can't help but to start to imagine this entire personality and childhood and college essays for this thing that's living inside of you, even though you know you're not supposed to.
How can you help it? Anyway, so that was hard to get over.
Not sure I am yet.
I know I'm gun-shy to try again.
- Right.
- So how about you? Oh, yeah, no, nothing like that.
I cut myself trying to trim my pubes once, so I get it.
I mean, do you guys want children? Oh, uh Shit.
Babies I don't know.
I like them when they're dressed up like animals, but I don't yet totally know if I You don't know if you want to be a mom? Totally normal.
Oh, no, I want it.
I was gonna say "should.
" I don't know if I should be a Do you want to Do you want me to put on some music? I have a mental thing.
Uh whatchamacallit, clinical depression.
- Sorry.
- No.
Sorry, I'm sorry.
Um, I'm just flinchy.
- I want a hug.
- It's okay.
Hey, in fact (chuckles) let's hug as soon as I go pee-pee in your toilet.
Then we're gonna hug like motherfuckers.
(phone chimes) He says his door is unlocked.
It's go time.
You got this.
Easy peasy.
Mouthwash, gum, antibacterial wipes.
Stash it in a bush.
Remember, this is for your lady.
It's just skin.
You got this! Hello.
MAN: Hello.
There you are.
Got a lovely, lovely house.
Books! Very nice.
I don't know this neighborhood.
Seems to have a high walkability rating.
Take off your shirt.
Just like that.
Good on you, mate.
(exhales) I'm a little nervous.
You see, this is my Can you stop talking? Right, yeah, okay, okay.
Silencio, por favor.
I'll just-I'll just get at it then.
Um Could you make it a little sexy? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, well, I plan to.
Yeah, it's lovely.
Oh, you like that? You like that? See, I do not work out, like, in a traditional sense, but I have a top-notch calisthenics routine Yeah, the name of which is derived from Callisthenes of Olynthus.
Fun fact, Aristotle was his great uncle.
Now, you might wonder That was quick.
How'd it go? - He disinvited me.
- What? Why? He accused me of being a closeted virgin, and then I sort of lunged at him awkwardly, fell into his leg, knocked over a picture puzzle he'd been working on.
He was livid.
I mean, his attitude at the end was a real turnoff.
(phone chimes) He gave you zero eggplants.
Zero?! How dare he! Well, in retaliation, I shall give him - (phone chimes) - Uh, you can't.
He blocked you.
Where's your shirt? (gasps) (toilet flushes) (mouthing) What are you doing? Nothing.
I was just seeing if you had a cat.
Do you have a cat? Because I couldn't find one.
Oh, the comb.
I was thinking of getting one of these, and I wanted to know if it could fit in my bra.
Why, are you accusing me of stealing? That is really messed up of you, Rachel.
Projecting much? - (laughs) - What? Why are you laughing at me? This is my absolute favorite part of a new friendship.
When the real comes out.
Listen, Gretchen, here's how it is with me.
I don't let just anyone in.
But I don't lose people, so once you're in, you're in for life.
(stifled laugh) (sobs softly) But, seriously, I am gonna need my grandmother's comb back.
(crying softly) - QUINN: What are you gonna do? - JIMMY: Eh.
Just live a sexless existence next to a prickly, mute, redheaded ball of anger and recrimination until she eventually leaves me.
Or enact some far worse revenge gleaned from countless hours spent watching Snapped, in which women finally, you know, snap.
Fuck this.
You can't give up.
Let's go to the West Hollywood bars.
I'll wingman you.
Oh, forget it.
I clearly can't S a stranger's D.
I'd have to at least be comfortable with the guy, or (chuckles) (water running) (water stops) I did it.
- Did what? - The thing you told me to do.
I did it.
I did the thing.
- I did it.
- Jimmy.
Whoa, what? Jimmy.
Jimmy? - Jimmy! - (chuckles) (gasps) What are you? What? Who? - Quinn.
- (gasps) What? What? What is happening? Oh, my God.
You Jimmy! (muffled scream) What the actual fuck?! Oh, my God! You you sucked a dick for me.
I say "S'd a D.
" It's classier.
Oh, no.
But Rachel Oh, no, no.
It's fine.
He called her right before he left.
She thought it was hilarious.
Really? Seriously? Ooh.
Okay, then.
So we're good? Yes, Jimmy.
We're good.
I mean, I was just trying to get you off my back.
- What? - Nothing.
You did it for me.
I love you for that.
By the way, they're coming over for dinner tomorrow night.
Try not to drop your fork and accidentally suck his dick again.
(laughs) To making connections.
To the serendipity of meeting you guys at that cake tasting, and to always being open to new experiences.
RACHEL: To letting people in.
And to the lengths our husbands will go to make us happy.
(laughs) Oh, well.
If it was good enough for Oscar Wilde and Tennessee Williams and Truman Capote and James Baldwin Okay, most of my favorite male writers, actually.
To friends for life.
JIMMY and RACHEL: For life.
RACHEL (echoing): I don't let just anyone in but I don't lose people.
Once you're in, you're in for life.
For life! I don't lose people.
You're in for life.
For life.
For life.
You're in for life.
You're in for life.
Jimmy, what are you guys talking about? What? The blowjob.
(chuckles) Gretchen, the, uh Jimmy? You did know about the Blowjob? You didn't put your you had his your m-mouth, Jimmy? - What are you doing? - Wait, you didn't tell her? Gretchen, it's not a big deal.
It was all for Wait.
- Gretchen! - Not one more word! I thought you told me that she wanted him to.
You thought I wanted my husband to suck your husband's dick? That's what he told me.
That's what he told me.
That's what you What the fuck, Jimmy? Oh, my God.
No! No, no, no, no.
I d I didn't want to.
Gretchen, tell her.
Tell her.
Did you make up that she said that just to get me to let you do that? Why would I say that?! I think you guys should go! Yes, I think we should.
(door opens, closes) What the hell was that? Eh, she was too much for me.
Anyways, all this talk of BJs I need it now.
Well, okay.
These seven words I say to you One by one I love you And you have to know (whispers): Edgar.
If I could change Edgar.
How I'm insane If I could learn to leave My troubles behind It's starting to burn And I want to go home Only home I've known Lost in the storm It had to be Seven words to set us free Now I face tomorrow Now I face tomorrow Now I face Tomorrow Tomorr