Zapped (2016) s03e01 Episode Script


1 My name's Brian Weaver.
I come from the city of London.
Well, just outside.
If you get the fast train from Waterloo, it's only about 30 minutes, tops.
Anyway, I've ended up in a parallel world thanks to some stupid amulet.
Ow! I made some friends, and met some fairies.
and a wizard called Howell said he could get me home, but he messed up.
I'm standing in the wrong triangle! Now I don't know where he is.
Have you come to fix the photocopier? Yes.
Then some weird assassin turned up, and started giving it the big I Am.
We meet at last, Breenan Whifter.
Weaver Brian Weaver? But, I managed to escape.
I ran and ran until I couldn't go on any more.
Then I carried on.
And that's when you rescued me.
It's good to be safe.
Wakey wakey.
Rise and shine.
What time is it? Bath-time! [FLYING INSECTS BUZZ.]
- Herman! - It's a bloody metal moth! - Herman! - Aw, I nearly had it! I just got a glimpse of Brian.
But he was bright orange.
Orange? Maybe it wasn't Brian.
Maybe it was What's orange? - An orange - Yeah! - [SIGHS.]
- Any sign of Howell in there? ["LOADED" BY PRIMAL SCREAM PLAYING.]
I can't believe you ran the marathon in under 4 hours.
- Yeah! - In a suit of armour.
Well, it's not about me, Greg.
It's all about those poor Spanish donkeys.
The link to the charity website didn't work, so here's 200 cash.
Much appreciated.
Marathon! Here he is, Mr.
Mo Farah.
It's not about me, Caz.
It's about the orphanage.
- Thought it was donkeys.
- Yeah, it's actually a donkey orphanage.
Those poor little donkeys without a mummy and daddy.
It breaks my heart, Greg.
I felt I had to do something.
It's very sad.
When is it you're swimming the channel? Just waiting for the goose fat.
I'll let you know.
Well done, man.
- Can I have a quick word? - Sure.
- Congratulations! - Cheers Carol.
Well done.
Thank you.
I don't suppose you'd care to make a donation, would you Caz? To buy wheelchairs for the sick baby donkey orphans? The link to the website was down, so I thought I would give you Oh.
Well I can't believe it.
Well, you'll never guess who's in town.
- Brian? - Howell? No! The circus! Circus? That's brilliant.
It's got performing animals.
Kept in cages.
It's so cruel! It's got an orc that does tricks.
- Yeah, and you know what I call that? - Fun for all the family? Exploitation.
We should do something about it.
Too right.
We should organise a protest.
- Let's do it together.
- Absolutely.
Side by side.
Only with me in a slightly more executive role.
Agh! Got it! Finally.
All my metal-ware's safe.
How to kill these things? What? You can't kill it! I'll release it into the wild.
It's much more humane.
There's 2 of them.
Oh, double-crunt! Come on, lovely.
We've got a show to do tonight.
Last one of the tour.
- Is it? - No.
Are you tired? Would you like a night off? Nice comfy bed? Yeah, I'd like that.
And I'd love to give it to you, Brian, I really would, but, you see, I can't because you're nothing.
You're less than scum, so you see, I've got to make you carry on.
You see the difficult position you've put me in? But you said you'd let me go.
I know I did Brian, but I was lying! That's what makes it all so difficult for me.
But we've just got to make the best of it, haven't we? Yes, please.
Thank you.
Do you need a hug? I can't touch you though, Brian, because you're almost certainly riddled with lice, but what I can do is give you a little treat.
Double slops.
It's not as bad as it looks.
That was another lie.
So, I've been looking at the purchase ledger, and someone signed off on this, but I don't recognise the signature.
They've ordered a 2nd-hand microwave, an oscillating desk fan, 17 car batteries.
and a drum of industrial copper cabling.
Could it be IT? What? No, look, here's another one.
6 boxes of wine - Australian red - and 24 packets of cereal.
Could it be catering? And the key to the store room's gone missing.
Leave it with me.
So, shall I come over tonight? Say, 7 o'clock? I can say I'm working late.
We'll see.
Free drink to anyone who gets the moth.
Behind you! Got it! What? Isn't that a fairy? Oh crunt.
- What should I do? Should I let it out? - No no no, it's angry.
Wail 'til it's calmed down.
I'll just put it there.
How long should I leave it, guys? Guys? [DOOR SLAMS.]
So, I'm sure you know why we've called you in.
Can I just say that I would never, ever, under any circumstances, defecate into a pot plant.
It's not - Sorry, what was that? - Nothing.
Erm Well, we know how committed you are.
Caz says you're always first in, last out.
- Well - A valued member of the darts team.
But, there have been some issues.
Erm, your IT skills, your accountancy skills, and of course all the negative publicity following the whole Stone Henge incident.
I did give that stone back.
So, Greg and I have come to a very difficult decision.
And I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go.
Can I just ask one question, please? What is company policy regarding having extra-marital relations with your line manager? Actually, I was thinking we could give you one last chance.
See you down the pub! [LAUGHS.]
The show is starting and there are still tickets available.
Not again! Come on, Barbara.
Well how come I have to make the placards? Because I'm the advance party scoping out the best place for us to demonstrate.
and? - Here's fine.
- I've never done a protest before! Look and learn.
Cheap tickets mean low standards of welfare.
Cheap tickets? Sounds great! They have a captive orc.
- Captive orc? - We love orcs.
And, there is a degrading exotic dance act.
They get pelted with rotten fruit.
These placards, Barbara.
Your wording's all wrong.
Herman! What are you doing here? - Nothing.
- Is that rotten fruit? What? As if.
FEFFENHOFFER: That's it, sold out.
Well that's embarrassing.
Welcome to Feffenhoffer's Magical Travelling Amazementarium.
of wondrous curiosiations.
And we start with our daredevil orc, who will dive from an impossible height into water.
and emerge completely unscathed.
Ta-da! Completely unscathed And now, an act which is the talk of the Western Marches.
Fluffy, our musical throth.
And now, a man from another world, and, his exotic dances.
It was 2015.
I'd reached the final of Strictly Come Dancing, the world's greatest dance competition.
My partner, Orla and I, started with a rumba.
Come on, Orla.
We have to at least get a 7 from Craig Revel Horwood.
or we'll end up in the dance-off against Dave, from The Hairy Bikers.
Brian? Herman! Herman! You've got to get me out of here! I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen.
We appear to be experiencing some technical issues.
Herman! Tell the others! Send help! - There'll now be a short intermission.
- I thought that was quite good.
Ban the circus.
Big rally tomorrow.
Speech by me, Steg Stegson, campaign leader.
Hey! I just saw Brian.
- What? - Who? Yeah.
He was one of the acts.
His face was all orange.
That's just like I saw in the crystal ball! He started shouting "Please help me!", then got dragged off stage.
Very modern.
- Not really my cup of tea, though.
- What are we going to do? Well, we need to finish leafleting the square, then I'm going to lie down for a bit.
About Brian! We've got to free him.
We have to free all oppressed workers, Barbara.
Now, I'm happy to set up a working party I am rescuing Brian.
Are you helping me? - Hmm? - Yes.
Great plan, guys.
Maybe I should go and check on the the old you-know-what.
He will have calmed down by now, wouldn't he? BOTH: Yeah Ohhh Brian.
What have you got to say for yourself? Have I put you in a difficult position? You have, Brian.
You have! What does it say in your contract? Clause 38.
38 At no point during any performance or part thereof, shall the aforementioned performer make such remarks as can be construed as making contact with the audience for the purpose of securing their release.
Or you can hit me with a stick.
Exactly Brian.
That's why we have this contract.
It's to protect you.
Now we have an extra show tomorrow.
It's a new double-act.
It's you, and Molly.
Molly, the sabre-toothed bear? That's right, Brian.
And, err what will I be doing, exactly? A few seconds of running around, screaming, and that pretty much takes you to the end, Oh! The stick.
Hands Touching hands Reaching out Touching me Touching you Altogether now! Sweet Caroline Good times never seemed so good I'd be inclined Da da da To believe they never would [AUDIENCE CHEERS.]
You distract the Ring Master, and I'll go round the back and release everyone.
Hang on Barbara.
All decisions need to go through the Chair.
I'll distract the Ring Master, and you go round the back and free everyone.
Seconded? Seconded? Right.
You keep him talking.
I won't be more than an hour.
An hour?! Ohhh Hi.
Steg Stegson, Community Leader.
Circus Master.
Running a circus? Gah, that must be pretty interesting.
It is.
Tell me everything! Brian? - Brian! - Barbara! Oh, Brian! I can't believe it.
I thought about you every day, for 3 months.
Yeah, ditto.
Oh, what happened to your trousers? Doesn't matter.
Listen, Barbara, I really need to get out of here, okay? There is a spare key in the wagon.
We don't need a key.
I've got this.
- What is it? - A metal moth.
It can eat through metal.
It'll go through the bars in no time.
Amazing! Thanks, Barbara! Let's get you out of here.
Stand back.
ORC: I'm free! I'm off to join the circus! Another circus The moth'll be back in a minute.
- So how have you been? - Busy, yeah.
Yeah, got captured, escaped, ran through a forest 'til I couldn't run anymore, then I ran some more, then this guy caught me, chucked me in a circus, and it's not coming back, is it? No Where's that spare key? - In the wagon.
- Okay.
Oh beard suits you, by the way.
So, Mr.
Stegson, or Steg if that's not too familiar.
It's a very exciting life.
No two days the same, lots of travel, tight-knit team, and of course the perks and the money are fantastic.
Aw and you think I'd make a good act? Absolutely! Naturally good-looking Naturally good-looking.
- Funny, - I am funny I'm seeing a headline act.
But aren't all your acts kept in cages? - Of course they are! To protect them.
- Aw from the fans.
Some of the women in the crowd get very carried away.
Carried away - And I'd be one of the main attractions? - Top of the bill! Now, just so we're both happy, what I suggest is that you sign this legally-binding framework, just so that you are protected.
Just out of interest, how long have we been talking for? - About 4 minutes.
- Futt! Star dressing room he said.
I think there's been a mix-up.
I suppose he told you you can come and go as you please.
- What happened to your trousers? - It doesn't matter, okay? Stop! Barbara's gone to get the key.
She'll get us out.
Thing is, he was right about my natural good looks.
- Steg! Weren't you supposed to be - Just undo the lock.
- I can't get it.
- There's a knack to it, okay? You have to lift it up, pull it towards you, and give the keys a little jiggle.
Nah nah nah, what you're doing is, you're pulling towards and then jiggling.
- You need to to jiggle it at the same - What has happened to my hawk? Hide the key! Who the crunt are you? [MUFFLED NOISES.]
What? I'm the Circus Inspector.
Oh! I hope you understand what a difficult position you've all put me in.
I will return.
Okay Barbara.
Now! The key! Come on! Let's go! Let's get out of here.
There's a slight delay on the key.
Bright purple That's not a good sign, is it? Who's a bad fairy, go to sleep I'd like to report a stolen credit card.
Yeah, my name's Jess Evans.
Yes, it's Jess Evans, security number 324, and that's 10 boxes of Shiraz.
Thank you.
Howell, this arrived for you.
I think it's your goose fat.
Finally! Is that to cheer up the donkeys? Oh, some weirdo is at reception asking for you.
He owes me 5 grand! Can you tell him that I died last night, please? No, no.
Tell him I died this morning.
No, no last night.
- Cheers Caz.
- You're welcome.
Maybe if someone had some prunes You'd think this situation would speed up your metabolism.
You've been here months.
You must've tried something.
- Of course I've tried.
- Well, tried what? - I tried to dig a tunnel.
- Let's see it.
It doesn't matter.
I didn't finish it.
No, come on.
It'll be better than nothing.
- That's it, is it? - Well I only had a spoon! Hang on I think I can get through these bars.
You can't.
I've tried.
Brian, I'm a lot thinner than you, and my skin has natural oils.
What about Howell? Did he ever turn up? No.
No-one's seen him for months.
Who knows where he is? Probably off savouring the pleasures of another wondrous world.
That's him! You need to come out, Howell.
If there's a problem, we can all sit down and talk about it with HR.
He owes me 5 grand.
You lent Howell 5 grand? He said he'd find my cat.
He said to me, this was the leg bone of Pope Leo the 3rd.
What are you doing in there? Right, Howell, Stand back everybody.
Stand back! If this doesn't work, I am completely fu- -cked! I'm pretty pleased with that.
I'm just keeping a lookout.
I can pull my head in at any time.
Now my lovelies, we have a sell-out show, and a very hungry bear.
But, with half our acts having escaped, you've put me in rather a difficult position.
So, do you know what I'm going to do? Cancel the show? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, etc.
I am going to let all 3 of you play with the bear.
So if you'd like to take these steaks, and strap them to each of your heads.
Give us one good reason why we should.
This! That is a good reason.
All right, Trebor.
You haven't seen any fairies outside, have you? [TREBOR SQUAWKS.]
Brian, Barbara, and Steg are all in the circus? [TREBOR SQUAWKS.]
And your son's learning trumpet? [TREBOR SQUAWKS.]
They're all going to fight a bear with steaks strapped to their heads? [TREBOR SQUAWKS.]
Hang on - wait! Greetings, Herman.
Howell! My best customer! A Rhubarb Seizure, please, if I may.
Actually Howell, I'm gonna need your help.
Oh I've just come straight from the office.
The day I've had! All the others are going to be eaten.
By a bear.
Really? Well if I've gotta fight a bear, you'd better make it a large one! [LAUGHS.]
Look If you won't help them now, then you're barred.
Sure, home.
I've got a plan.
I've got another plan.
So what I'm proposing you to, Mr.
Feffenfoffer, A fair exchange 3 of your utterly worthless performers, for 3 rare and exotic items, from a distant world.
This city frozen in a glass orb.
With floaty white bits.
This delicious cream liqueur.
And finally, this game-changing paper toner, with 25% off your next purchase at.
Hah Smiths.
Thanks for coming to my rescue, guys.
It really was a 1st class effort.
- Something happen to your trousers? - Leave it! Futt! You wanna get some goose fat on that.
Don't give up, Brian.
There's always hope.
It's showtime! And hope is gone.
Excuse me, Mr.
Fefffenhoffer? If you're spelling it F.
, yes? I just wondered if you'd be interested in a new act for your circus.
What is it? Some sort of aired elementum? Have a look.
Did you put me in that jar? Oh.
seen it, a huge blast of powerful earth-magic, known as electrisisisisis.
and then BOOM.
I was back in the Henge.
You sing along to music on a machine? Incredible.
They have wine in a box.
How do they get the floaty white bits inside? Yeah, but Jess and Greg? I just don't get it.
I mean Greg?! I'm sorry, Brian.
This must be hard for you.
Here! This'll cheer you up, Brian.
I got you some new earth-clothes.
Oh, brilliant.
I'm sick of this shirt.
Eh-hey! Barely worn.
Cor, dear 10 sovs, Good luck, mate.
You finished with that? Well now that I've got all my best customers back, I've got a feeling this pub's going places.
Well, I'm certainly going nowhere.
- You're a Muntian.
- Muntonian.
- A Muntyite.
- A complete Munt! [METAL MOTH BUZZES.]
Hmm That's bad luck.

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