#blackAF s01e07 Episode Script

1
When you think about
vacations, you think about
traveling the world,
unwinding and reconnecting
with your family.
But everyone knows
what vacation really is.
Vacations are war.
And not the 1980s kind of war
where you exchange dirty looks
and propaganda movies
with the Soviet Union.
We sail into history.
I'm talking war.
Real war, where people get messed up.
Now, of course, no one starts vacations
at each other's throats.
Like any war,
all sides do their best to avoid
any potential bloodshed
through diplomacy.
Wow. Look at these over-the-water
bungalows in Tahiti.
I think they call those bures.
I think they call them
"where God would stay if he
wanted to use his AmEx points."
Whoa. Check this out.
They say that the sunsets in
Jamaica look like God's orgasm.
No?
Did you know that most
of the world's billionaires
vacation on the French Riviera?
Mm-hmm.
What about the Bahamas?
Dude, we're not going to the Bahamas.
Bahamas is like the fucking Orlando
of the Caribbean. Not doing that.
Okay, well, we're not going to Tahiti.
Why?
Because we're not a Midwestern couple
who's gonna take our second honeymoon
because we hit it big on
a scratcher, that's why.
We're not going to fucking
- Puerto Rico, either.
- Why?
Name one beautiful place in Puerto Rico.
Vieques.
That's not Spanish, that's German.
- You just made that up.
- You don't even know.
Okay, how about DR?
- DR?
- DR.
Do you Do you love your life?
'Cause if you love your life,
we're not going to DR.
- Why?
- Because I'm not willing to die
"of natural causes"
as my heart explodes out of my chest.
That shit was weird, dude.
- What's wrong with Hawaii?
- Where in Hawaii?
Like, Oahu.
I knew you were gonna say
the worst island possible.
And when talks fail,
the next step is to rally your allies
and start your campaign
of misinformation.
What up, Stink?
Not that I have to sell Brazil
because Brazil is Brazil, but you know,
it is Brazil.
Can every single creature
in Australia kill you?
Sure, but that's the price you pay
when you wanna go somewhere they call
"The Gold Coast."
Costa Rica.
It's the place Nelly Furtado
went to go get cured of AIDS.
- Nelly Furtado doesn't have AIDS.
- Not anymore, she doesn't.
And even though alliances are made,
they can easily be broken.
Okay. You want these Super Soakers?
Mm-hmm.
All right, then it has to be Jamaica.
- Jamaica!
- Jamaica!
Yes!
- Love you, Mom!
- Love you!
My guys!
Hey!
Look, calm down, guys.
Whoa!
- Listen to me.
- Money!
You don't wanna go to Jamaica, okay?
- Trust me on this.
- Yeah, we do.
You know what Jamaica is?
It's an island that has
broken glass everywhere,
just little pieces shattered
all over the ground.
I think Jamaica actually means,
"island of broken glass."
Wouldn't you rather go to a place
we can sleep in a over-the-water
Tahitian bungalow?
Ooh.
Doesn't that seem crazy?
You can sleep above sharks.
What? That is so cool!
- No, that is not so cool!
- What do you mean?
- Why would I wanna sleep above sharks?
- What is happening?
Why would you even be allowed
to sleep above sharks?
This place sounds super negligent, Dad.
What are you, some kind of cop?
What's wrong with you?
Do you like being
Pops's younger brother?
I'm the little brother,
but I'm not younger.
No, you're the little brother
and you're younger than him.
That guy's older than me?
I find that hard to believe.
I don't know what else
is below there, man.
Probably, like, turtles
or stingrays and stuff.
Stingrays are cool, right?
Isn't that that thing that
killed the Crocodile Hunter?
That was just a freak accident.
The dude hunts crocodiles,
and got killed by a stingray?
Fine, man.
But how about clownfish?
They also have clownfish
you could sleep above.
Clownfish are way cooler than sharks.
I mean, you love clownfish.
I do love clownfish.
Nemo was a clownfish.
Yet he also almost got eaten by a shark.
But he didn't.
Didn't that shark end
up becoming his friend?
He did.
He really did.
What is happening right now?
You two are a mess.
Are you in or out?
Island of broken glass
or clownfish?
Yes!
No! No!
- No!
- Dad!
The boys want to go to Tahiti.
Really? Nothing to do with you?
'Cause they were really
excited about Jamaica
until you got in their ear.
- I'm
- Chloe still wants to go.
What are you talkin' about? Okay.
And we know which way
Drea is going to sway.
Why does that make you
comfortable that one of our kids
is always gonna be on your side?
Because that's a great thing.
That means I'm a good parent.
That means it comes down to Brooklyn,
and he stared at me in
my face the other day
while he took a shit in his pants.
So as far as I'm concerned,
his credibility is kind of shot.
Agreed.
What about Fiji?
- Fiji's actually interesting.
- It is, right?
I know how you love
your hand-murdered pork
and pineapple combination.
I do. I think it's something
sexy and primal about it.
Mm-hmm. Wait.
Are we agreeing?
I'm not sure. We're not
here a lot.
No, we're definitely not.
But it feels like it.
Yeah, I think we're
I think we're agreeing, right?
- Let's do this.
- Yeah!
All right.
We're going to Fiji!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
It was my idea!
Mom! Mom! Mom!
- What?
- Mom! Mom! Mom!
- What?
- How was that your idea?
- It was my idea!
- We both talked on it.
We talked about it,
but it was my idea first.
- But I was
- Who cares? It's not a competition.
And like Eastern Europe
in the summer of 1914
a family heading off on vacation
is just a powder keg waiting to explode.
Things between us have,
uh, been not great.
Mm. That feels harsh.
But fair.
Our marriage is horrible right now.
Again, harsh.
But fair.
You know what you did
and you're okay with it?
You're selfish. Damn!
You think I'm riding
some kind of black wave?
What in God's name is
happening on your feet?
You're such a bad mom
Like, a failure.
Look, there's obviously a problem here.
Anyway, it's not just us.
Everybody in the house is at
each other's throats right now.
Money has ruined us.
- You've never taken us bowling.
- Or to a Lakers' game.
The whole "not trying" look only
works if you're actually trying.
I brush my hair!
Mom and Dad thought you
were high risk for autism.
Y'all are soft.
I shit the diaper, Mommy.
Push comes to shove, I will eat you.
Yeah, well, that's why
we need a family vacation.
Yes.
We need, like,
a collective release valve.
We try to get them off once
a year. Let everybody go
just get their shit off and,
you know, be themselves.
Together.
Remember
you, me, and Chloe
used to go up to Palm Springs
in that shitty Volvo?
Oh, my God! Whatever
happened to that car?
I sold it, remember?
She didn't sell it.
She was supposed to sell it.
She drove it up to Palmdale, got out,
left it on the side of the road
and took a town car back.
Who did you sell it to?
I don't remember. It's just so long ago.
After the Volvo,
it was Mexico,
- flying coach.
- Mmm.
And then things started to pick
up for both of us professionally.
Um, yeah, we started stepping
up our game a little bit.
You know, making that
left instead of the right
when you get on the plane.
Flying first class is just
a different experience.
It's really almost not like flying.
Honestly, I kinda feel like
the people in the back of
the plane are animals now.
Like, that's, like, a cargo hold.
Yo, guys, honestly,
fuck that first-class bullshit.
That isn't when we arrive,
this trip is when we arrive.
I really did it.
Set this shit off this time.
Went in my bag and went for it.
I did it. It's PJ time.
It's PJ o'clock. It's
It's half-past PJ.
PJ's "private jet." Why didn't
I just say, "private jet."
If I'm acting nervous,
it's because I'm nervous.
Private jets are, like,
really expensive.
In fact, I've heard people
with a lot of money say
"It's the quickest way to go broke."
Scottie Pippen,
perhaps the greatest
swing man in the history
of the National Basketball
Association, went broke
doing what I'm doing.
He's in my head.
I have my concerns.
I mean, that guy could shoot,
defend, rebound, really
just a complete package.
Broke.
Doing what I'm doing.
Fuck it.
I'm gonna be a hero
to my fucking family.
Yo, ain't know I was gonna do
them like this though, right?
Hit them over the head with that privé!
Bla-lah!
I did okay, right?
Taking that PJ to Fi-J,
you know what I'm saying?
You guys see this?
We out 'chere.
Big things in these streets.
Okay, go fuck myself, I guess.
Family vacation has a pretty
loose meaning in this family.
It's why Jo's cousin, Peaches,
and my assistant Danny
are tagging along.
The PJ's a flat fee so
it actually makes sense,
because the more people that come along,
the less it amortizes out to be,
and if you get enough people,
it's basically cheaper
than a commercial flight,
is what I've been telling myself.
Yeah.
It's cheaper.
- You know, this is the bigger one.
- Do they have two bathrooms?
- Q!
- I'm sure.
Chloe!
Yeah!
Oh, my God!
- Did you know he was coming?
- Marquise?
Yeah, Marquise.
No.
Did you know he was coming?
No, I didn't know he was coming.
Wait.
Did you know he was coming?
No.
Of course I knew Marquise was coming.
It was the only way
to get Chloe to come.
If I had said no and made her go,
she would've been little a bitch the
whole time. So what's the point?
So why didn't you just tell Dad?
Because he would've been
a little bitch the whole time.
So what's the point?
What the fuck?
What's up with this fucking guy?
He just picks up people's
bags? Who does that?
You don't even like
helping with the bags.
You hate helping with the bags.
I don't care, man.
You don't just pick up
another man's family's bags.
I'm the dad. I decide who does that.
- Okay, you're ridiculous.
- You're ridiculous!
Babe, I'm the dad.
I decide about the bags.
- You are the dad.
- That's That's just how it goes.
Okay.
Yo, Danny. Playboy.
I want you to bang out
a family pic for me.
Oh, but then I can't be in it.
I know, I know, it's all good, bud.
- Just Just get that done for me.
- Okay.
Kids! Let's get together for a pic.
- No!
- Now!
No, come on, everybody.
Yes, you have to.
- I'm gonna get on the plane.
- No, you're not! No, you're not.
- I wanna watch TV on the plane.
- Please turn around.
Please turn around.
Marquise, don't worry
really about being in this.
- Don't feel Oh, you're in it.
- I'm part of the family!
- Oh, my God.
- Wow, this is
- You're so close to me! Scoot.
- I don't care!
This is really clear.
- Is this a phone or
- Can you please take the picture?
I'm taking it. I can't
Just take it. Okay, fine.
The picture's taken. It's fine.
It's fine. It's fine.
Just give me the camera.
Everybody, get on the plane.
White leather.
This is nice, guys, right?
Um, you know, there's Wi-Fi.
It'll make your music you're
using to drown me out louder.
Um
There's food in the back.
You know, it's, like, shrimp
and crab for you. Only.
- Okay.
- Thanks, Pops.
No, it's for
Ba-ba! Want some juice later?
- I want some juice now.
- Okay, you can have some.
Okay, I'll get you some juice,
but don't tell Peaches.
She'll drink it all.
What up, boys? Got the
couch option, I see.
Nice white leather.
There's beverages in the back.
I think I saw a La Croix
and some other things you may like.
Danny, you're welcome, buddy.
Seriously. I know this is a big day.
That shirt's dog shit too, by the way.
This is us, guys.
All right.
Ridiculous, I swear.
Fucking
Look at that.
Hashtag ungrateful.
Can you stop?
This is for us. That's okay.
Everybody knows you're a baller.
They're just used to it.
And that's a good thing.
How?
'Cause otherwise they would
be maniacs running around
trying to eat all the prosciutto
and melon before we take off.
There's prosciutto and melon?
Guys! Prosciutto and
melon is also available.
It's delicious. I'm gonna
get everybody a plate.
It comes with the plane.
Let's see what movies are playing.
You know? You know?
Why are you staring at Chloe
with crippling sadness?
I'm not.
So, my sisters always fight.
Like, they hate each other.
Then, for some reason
when we go on vacation,
they're like best friends.
But now Chloe has Marquise,
and Drea's all alone.
She's really in her feelings
about it. It's hilarious.
You need therapy. Bad.
At least I didn't lose my only friend.
Thanks.
You have such a beautiful family.
So well put together.
- Thank you.
- And your husband,
so lucky he just gets to
throw on a track suit.
Bet he can't do that at his normal job.
I get off on this shit.
She is dying to know
what we do for a living.
She's like, "How do these black
people have so much money?"
And the tattoos.
You really only see that in
the music industry, or on athletes or
drug dealers.
That's fu Yeah. That
is where you see those.
Dying.
If you need anything, or just
wanna talk about your life,
I'll be around.
Thanks.
Actually, there is, uh, one thing.
Yeah.
Do you have any warm nuts?
- Just, like, cashews or almonds?
- Yeah. Okay.
Thank you.
She came back,
and I organically slipped
in that I was a lawyer.
Blew her mind.
Yeah, I'm sure it was super organic.
Danny Fricka-Fricka-Fresh.
Oh, my God, or Sir White-A-Lot.
- Oh, I like that. I like that.
- Yeah?
I know you can get mad bitches
with that. And I'll twerk for you.
- You will?
- And I'll be your Fly Girl,
you know what I'm saying?
- I know.
- Oh, my God!
- I so believe in you.
- You do?
- Yes! I wouldn't twerk for everybody.
- Oh, my God.
D. Let me holla at you
for a second, playboy.
What the fuck are you doing, dude?
- What?
- You don't talk to the help!
But I am the help.
What are you talking about?
No, you're not. You're my family.
Oh, that's nice.
'Cause before when you asked
me to take the picture,
I was feeling left out.
Dude, why does everything
have to get weird?
Just don't talk to Peaches.
- Don't talk to her.
- Why?
Because that's Joya's
family. She's a plant.
Joya uses her to get information
on me. Do not talk to her.
She's just helping me
come up with DJ names.
Goddamn it, Danny!
You're not a fuckin' DJ! Don't
you see what's happening?
- I'm sorry, I just don't understand.
- No, you don't understand.
She is using you, dude.
She's making you believe
that you can do anything.
Then she takes all the information.
Next thing you know,
I'm I'm dead.
By the way, have you seen this bathroom?
- It's incredible.
- Incredible.
I'll use the toilet now.
No, you can't use it. The
The captain has some rule, like,
only immediate family members.
I thought you said I was your
No, I'm just saying, like, this
is the captain's rules, not mine.
- Okay.
- Okay.
But there's a squat pot or something.
That's Okay.
Danny? You my family.
No, not that kind of family.
Hi, um, could I get a
glass of champagne?
- Sure, let me get that for you.
- Thank you.
So, fake IDs? That's
what we're doing now?
Hey, it doesn't matter anyways.
We're in international waters.
Uh, we're not in the water.
We're in the air.
Okay, how about you get
a glass and loosen up?
I don't like champagne.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you
had such a refined alcohol palate
to not like the world's
most beloved drink.
I like other alcohol.
Like what?
Vodka.
What kind?
Ciroc.
What flavor?
Guava.
You are so lame!
You literally chose the one
flavor that they don't make.
Look, they have apple,
pineapple, red berry,
- amaretto.
- Here you go.
Thank you so much.
You know what? I don't have
to take shit from you.
Peach, limited edition
white grape. Yummy!
Yo, I just had a transformative dream.
And it was beautiful.
Mmm.
Okay, they have French vanilla,
mango, pineapple, coconut.
All right.
Come on. You just gotta
pull the hand out.
It's a really simple game.
Move your hand.
Are you serious about this clown?
Why did you just call
my boyfriend a clown?
I get it.
You guys are a college thing.
But it's a college thing
and then it's over, right?
Look at him.
- I'm looking at him.
- He's so cute.
You know who else was cute? Manson.
- Just tell me it's gonna stop soon.
- Dad, it's my choice, okay?
Can we not talk about this right now?
I've always questioned
Chloe's judgment, but
this is different.
This is scary.
Excuse me, Pops, can I talk
to you for a quick second?
Hey, man.
I just wanna say this is a
really amazing opportunity
and it's so dope that
you put all this together.
It's special.
You know, I don't have a dad.
I mean, I'm not saying
you're my dad. I'm just,
you know, you just have such
a beautiful family and
I guess I'm just really thankful
you decided to include
me in all of this.
So, like, I don't know,
real talk, thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
You're a Jamaican dude.
You wanna marry a Swedish model
and move to Pasadena,
that's what your kid's gonna
look like. Remember that.
Rarely do I give my parents
credit for anything
but Fiji?
Why did it take us so long to come here?
I'll be honest, this would
not be a bad place
to play Count the Black People.
It would be an extremely short game.
Like, almost immediately over.
Ooh, what about that African
family right over there?
- No.
- No.
Africans don't really fuck
with African-Americans.
They look down on us.
See? Didn't even say hi.
They're kind of better
than us in some ways.
We're the black people that got caught.
If you're still following the
war/powder keg metaphor,
room assignments were
basically the matches.
No, no, no.
You two can share the couch.
I'm taking the bed.
Izzy's always pushing me around.
Not this trip.
This time, I'm going to
stick up for myself.
You know what, Izzy?
I don't think you understand.
It is not okay to ju
I just folded those!
What the
- Izzy!
- I really don't care what you think.
Don't worry, little bro.
You can stay on the couch with me.
I love my little brother.
I mean big brother.
This is going to take
some getting used to.
I mean, he's just so soft.
It's fine. It's just who I am.
No, it's not fine.
You got to stand up for yourself.
You can't be a victim your whole life.
You see why this guy confuses me?
Um, what is he doing in here?
Um, this is actually me and
Marquise's room, so
No, it is fucking not. Are you crazy?
Nope, not on my watch.
I mean, I'm a cool dad.
I'm not that fucking cool.
You will be staying with
your sister in this room.
And I'm going to be staying with
I wish you weren't here,
but since you are, you're going
to be staying with Danny.
- Yes!
- Who, unfortunately, only has one bed.
- Respect.
- To Danny.
I sleep in the nude, FYI, so
- Me too.
- Real life crazy person.
- This is really beautiful, dude.
- Yeah.
It's hot as fuck, though.
Did you know it was gonna
be this hot out here?
I mean, yeah. It's an island.
Yeah, I guess that's right.
Yo, man, look.
I need you to watch Marquise
for me. Seriously.
Like, don't let him outta
your eyes this entire trip.
Sweet. That guy has it all figured out.
I feel like I can learn a lot
just by being in his orbit.
Do I have to worry about
you fucking him, too?
What?
Do I have to worry about
you fucking him, too?
He's dating your daughter already.
- I mean, it's not even a
- That's not the answer, dude!
- What do
- No?
I mean, he's taken.
Dude, I'm gonna go cut these
into shorts. I'll be back.
- Do you need help?
- No, man!
- I'll hold your
- What's going on?
Okay, nothing!
Yo, yo!
- Yo.
- What's up, cutie?
- Hey.
- How you doing?
Good.
Not bad, right?
Beautiful.
I got that island. Rented
that for us for lunch.
That's ours.
This big island?
No, that
It's that one.
Was it expensive?
It wasn't cheap. It's an island.
Anyway, you want to go to the
beach? Everybody's hanging out.
- Nah.
- Nah?
We also could, you know, maybe
Uh, no, I
I'm just getting situated.
You know, I got to get my bearings.
- Sure.
- Yeah.
This is "vacation mode" for Jo.
She never wants to do anything.
I mean, literally nothing.
The point of vacation
is not to do anything.
To relax.
This is an indication that I'm
in a very good place in my life.
If I wasn't relaxed,
I would be manic and nobody wants that.
The guess the point of this vacation
was to work on our marriage.
She said it was horrible.
You heard her. She literally
said those words, so
Here I am, working.
On our marriage.
- Um, all right, have a good day.
- Thank you.
We could also do other,
like, top stuff if you want.
No, forget it. All right.
- Have a good day.
- You too.
Doing whatever it is you're doing.
Jump!
- Get in the pool, Brooklyn.
- No.
Get in the pool, you coward.
Yo, babe.
- No.
- Come on!
We've got some light.
We should do something, dude.
Like, get on a fucking jet ski
or go snorkel or some shit.
Get one of those stand-up paddle
boards the white dudes be doing.
Nah.
I mean, or we could find,
like, a spot on the beach
kind of secluded, like,
maybe just me and you.
Nah.
Right.
Yo, my man.
It's gonna fuckin' be a long night.
Just keep the drinks coming,
doubles for both of us.
- Two for me, please.
- Hey, she wants two.
Vacation.
Double team! The double team!
Dude!
What are you guys doing? Marquise!
Huh?
I'm just splashing with
my bros. Splash bros.
Okay, well, when you're done
splashing with your bros,
your girlfriend will be over
here, in a bikini, all alone.
- Don't do that, babe.
- Don't do what?
You know, every single
time we go somewhere,
you find some random bros to play with.
Like your meditation
bro, Josh from Ojai.
Your yoga bro, Steven from Big Bear.
I miss Steven so much.
Wait a second.
- Is Marquise bi?
- What?
'Cause that would connect
a lot of dots for me.
You think I'd be with him
if he was into guys?
Do you really think any girl
would be cool with that?
I would.
No, you wouldn't.
You don't know what I would do.
Yeah, I do.
When you're sleeping with someone,
you want them to be 100% satisfied
with what you're bringing to the table.
Chloe, bisexuality and monogamy
are not mutually exclusive.
What? What's so funny?
Oh, it's not funny, it's hilarious.
Everything you know about sex,
you learned from a TED Talk.
Okay, Peggy Orenstein
is a highly regarded
Okay, no. I am done being
lectured on sex by a virgin.
- Yo, what's up, dude?
- Nothing. Everything's chill.
- How's it going?
- Good, good.
I was actually gonna ask
you if I could run to my room
and grab some sunscreen?
No, dude! What are you talking about?
You're supposed to be watching Marquise!
I'm sorry, I'm just heating up.
I feel the sun.
There's sunscreen over by
the fucking toilet. It's
in a pump or some shit.
I don't know what SPF it is.
What the fuck are you talking about,
dude? Just watch Marquise!
Okay, yeah, no problem.
Sometimes it seems like being white
is like the hardest fucking
thing in the world to be.
Can't even be in the sun.
Like, what kind of fucked up
evolutionary trait is that?
The sun?
How are there so many of them?
How've they lasted this long?
On top?
It's SPF 45, is that enough?
Okay, yeah. No, this'll work.
They didn't have anything for your face?
What the fuck, man? Fuck your face!
- No, no. Fuck my face.
- This is important!
- Yeah, no, I got this.
- Oh, my God.
I got I got you.
Are you reading the ingredients?
No, no, not at all. No, it's just
- Just use it!
- Okay, I'll use it. Yep.
This isn't going to work.
This is going to be
Aruba all over again.
For my family, day one had
gone relatively smoothly.
Dinner that night was the first
time we'd gathered for a meal
in probably six months.
So my dad took the
opportunity to make a toast,
and by toast, I mean stand up
and loudly remind us that
he's the reason for all of this.
Thank you guys so much.
Fuckin' love you guys, seriously.
Just wanted to say a couple words.
As I I'm reminded as I look out
over this warm
Atlantic Ocean.
This is South we're
in the South Pacific.
It's the Pacific Ocean.
Same thing. All I'm trying to
Not the same thing. It's two
different bodies of water.
Opposite.
Right. The point I was
trying to get at is Hawaii.
You know, we are so close to
Hawaii and it just makes
Not that close to Hawaii.
Not very close at all to Hawaii.
- Right, I
- Same ocean, but
Beautiful, smart woman. You are right.
Lawyer. That's why I married her.
All I'm saying is Hawaii
birthplace of Barack Obama.
That's what that reminds me of.
And I think that, much like Barack,
who is considered a hero
- Check it!
- Whoa.
- We're going to get that.
- Yeah. Totally.
Not you.
Hey, we might need him to
take the fall if we get busted.
I changed my mind. You can come.
Sick!
And what it makes me think about,
when I think about Obama,
is I start to reminisce,
about what a great man
he was. We all miss him.
We miss him. I think about him
frolicking in those sugarcane fields,
that beatific smile, you know, and I
Beatific smile?
Barack has smoker's lip.
Shit, that's why he was my president.
You think I wasn't gonna
vote for somebody
who smoke Newports and blunts?
Y'all get it, right?
First of all, Peaches, very funny.
But if you had even woken up
on voting day early enough to vote,
I'm not sure that the ballot
you cast would have counted
because I'm pretty sure
you're a felon.
And secondly, that little outburst
just earned you what
we call a separate check.
Waiter, she's on her own tonight.
So, enjoy that.
It's fine.
Anyway, when I think about Barack,
I remember Barack because I think that
Barack was a hero.
And, you know, you guys probably,
because I'm a husband and father,
think of me as a hero.
At this point he'd had six Lava Flows.
Minimum.
But I'm just a man,
and as a man who happens
to be the provider
sole provider of this family.
And also in family,
you learn to tolerate
family.
And people who are not family
and probably will never hopefully be,
if God is a real thing
in this world, family.
But
Barack Obama
You know my man, Sean? He kinda
looks like a young Junior Seau?
He was telling me about a
party the locals set up
that's supposed to be dope.
You wanna pull up later?
Yeah, yeah, that sounds cool.
We can just dip out after dinner.
- I might try to get some cardio in first.
- Okay.
Where are we dipping out to?
No, you are not dipping with us.
What? Why?
Because I'm not in the mood
to babysit you tonight.
Oh, you have to babysit me?
Look, we're just all on different paths.
Really?
Because you're so
grown-up and so mature?
College forces you to grow up.
But Barack, like your
heroic dad, is just a man.
And as a man, you learn
very quickly that
- I'm sorry. Can you
- Yeah.
I don't need to get that. I'm all good.
It's fine. They keep calling.
- I'll get it.
- No, please don't.
Hey, girl, hey! Bula!
Look, Lavette. We're in
the middle of vacation.
- Here we go.
- Can you please call us back?
I know you're on vacation.
I just spent half the afternoon
talking to the front desk manager
begging him to hook you up.
Why are you talking to our
hotel manager for us?
Do you think I would let my girl
have some rinky-dink hotel room
on the day of her book signing?
- What?
- Kenya, come on. Stop it.
All right, Lavette. I'm just
gonna call you back, okay? Bye.
Book event?
Please, don't do this right now. Okay?
Don't do what? Act like you're
the horrible person that you are?
You're an asshole.
- I'm the asshole?
- Yeah. You're an asshole.
Okay.
Remember when I said
vacation was a powder keg?
It was at that moment,
war had officially been declared.