Only Fools and Horses (1981) s03e08 Episode Script

First time I saw this film, was in the middle of the war.
I remember half-way through it there was an air raid and we all had to run for the shelter.
I bet you all hated the Kaiser that night eh? What's the matter with you you moaning little git?? What's the matter with I'll tell ya! Grandad, it is Christmas night and I am stuck in here with I am stuck in - here, watching a film that the Germans tried to bomb! I know what you mean Rodney, I feel exactly the same.
I thought you liked this film.
I do! I mean it's it's Christmas night and I'm stuck in with you! Thank you very much.
Well stop yer whining! I don't know why you didn't go out with Del.
He's seeing Lassie again ain't he? You don't wanna let Del hear you refer to her as a dog! Well he must know! When she come back from Tenerife it took him two weeks to get her out of quarantine! Was that the bell Rodney? It sounded very much like it Grandfather! There it goes again! Whatever could it mean? It means there's someone at the door you lazy little toe-rag! Go on Rodney, it might be Del popped back for something.
I suppose you've run out of Bob Martins again! - Yeah? - Oh, good evening sir.
I'm sorry to bother you but I wonder if you could help me? Yeah, hang on.
No, I don't mean like that! I'm looking for a family called the Trotters.
The Trotters?? What makes you think the Trotters live here? It's written on your bell.
Who is it? RoReggie?? Hello old 'un, how you diddling? - It's really you! - It's me alright! Long time, eh? Too long Reg, too long! Oh it's good to see you, it really is! You two have met before have you? I'm sorry, let me introduce you.
Reg, this is Rodney.
Rodney, I'd like you to meet your Dad.
Right - where is he? Will you just calm down a bit! Before you go in there shouting and bawling, just you remember, he's still our father.
Well you and me could be spending the night in the orphanage by the time I've finished! He's not the man you remember, I promise.
I know you've told me how he used to be a right Jack the lad, all flashy shirts and gold cuff-links, a bit likea bit like some of the lads down the pub! But he's old now Del.
He's disheveled, he's pathetic, he seems sort of, frightened! Just bear it in mind will you, please! Alright, Rodney, alright.
Del Boy! Good to see you son.
Pour yourself a drink.
I used to have a shirt like that.
Yer Dad had a bath and a shave Del, then he found he was low on clothes! He's gonna get bit low on teeth before he's much older! Get yer things, sling yer hook! Alright, if you wanna talk it over I'm listening! He only wants to stay for one night Del! When he closed that front door in 1965 he closed it for good! Have I got any say in this? Let's hear what Rodney's got to say.
What's to be said Rodders? You know what he's like! No I don't! Of course you do, I've told you often enough! Yeah and that's all I know! I wouldn't mind the opportunity of judging him for myself.
I never raised a hand to your Mother Rodney except in self-defense! What do you mean 'judging him'? He deserted you when you were five years old! And not only that.
He walked out on his own Father! But he's back now! After eighteen years! Did his watch stop? Stone me Rodders, we see more of Hayley's Comet that we do with him! Just go will yer? Look, whatever you may think of him Del, he's still my son.
He only wants a bed for the night! I don't believe it! Can't you see what he's doing? He's playing on your sympathy, he's playing on your loyalty! That man is evil! That is the devil standing there! Don't be so stupid Del! That's your own Father! Yeah, but he sold his soul for an ounce of Old Holborn years ago! Give me one good reason, just one, why I shouldn't chuck you out by the scruff of the neck? I can't think of one Del.
I'm not proud of what I did.
I'm ashamed - ashamed and sorry! Just recently I've been laying in that hospital bed, night after night, re-living the moment I walked out of here! It hurts Del Boy, it hurts! Hospital bed? What's wrong with you Reggie? Something serious I hope! Just wrap up for five minutes, would ya! Don't be fooled by him Rodney.
He's had everything from Galloping Lurgy to Saturday Night Fever! Once when I was a kid I was doing my homework and I asked him what a cubic foot was.
He said he didn't know but he tried to have a week off work with it! What's wrong with you Reggie? Come on, you and tell me and Rodney.
Well, a few months back they took me into hospital, just for a few routine checks.
Jackanory Jackanory.
I'm telling you the truth this time Del, look! Newcastle Infirmary? I've been living up there for the last year or so.
What's the matter with you then? They discovered I had this em, hereditary blood disease.
It's calledwell it's a medical word! A long one Reggie? Ooh yeah Dad! Can they cure it? They're not sure! I just live in hope.
Hope's about the only thing I've got! Oh come on Dad! These doctors can perform miracles nowadays.
You just gotta be brave? Just beHereditary?? You said it was hereditary! That means I could have it.
And me!! Yes.
Well this is half the reason I dashed down here! The doctor said I had to warn my children immediately! What have they got to do? Go for blood tests? As soon as possible! I've done me best by you this time ain't I Del Boy? Yeah.
Thanks! I'm feeling a bit weak.
I think I'll climb in.
'Night boys.
- 'Night! - And Merry Christmas.
Will I have to have blood tests as well? No, it's hereditary, it means it's passed on not back! You're most probably the carrier! What a right blinding Christmas this has turned out to be! Some people get wise men bearing gifts – we get a wally with a disease! You two better get down to that hospital straight away after the holidays.
Yeah, but with these National Health cuts we could wait for ever! I'll give Dr Becker a ring first thing in the morning.
He's not gonna see us on Boxing Day! Oh yes he will! He owes me a favour.
His ten-year-old son thinks the bike that he got for Christmas came off the back of a sleigh.
Mister Becker and I know better! Just a minute, where's he sleeping? I offered him my bed.
You're a great big softy ain't yer! Well, he's not very well and all.
You'd have done exactly the same thing wouldn't you? Yeah, of course I would! Good, 'cos he turned my bed down and chose yours! Nite! Where's the ghost of Christmas past? He ain't here Del.
You mean he's gone? Only down the pub for the New Year's Eve do.
Oh, I thought it was too good to be true.
You talk about your father as if he is an alien.
You seem to think of him as ET.
No I don't Grandad, ET went home! A couple of letters arrived for you two.
I think it's the results of your tests! Oi, these have been opened! Your Dad must have done that.
Well the saucy git You can't blame him Del! I suppose he was too worried to wait for you! Yeah, well alright then! Well go on then Rodney, see what yours says.
All clear! All clear! I got an all clear my son! Well don't look too cheerful about it Del! I haven't seen mine yet have I? Oh no, sorry! What - what's it say Del? The results of my tests are negative! Negative? Well that means all clear as well you plonker! Does it?? I thought it was a medical term for curtains! Why don't they bloody say all clear then? Oh who cares? We'll have a drink to celebrate? Yeah I need something Rodders! Right, I'll go'n get changed.
That's funny! Your blood group's AB - Rodney's is just A.
We both have the same blood, don't we? That's what I thought! Giss 'em here! My blood group is AB and Rodney's blood group is A! Well, how's did that wally manage to get himself a different blood group? We're brothers aren't we? We both have the same blood! We both had the same mother, and we both got the same father!! Are you suggesting Rodney's got a different dad? I'm saying nothing! But I always remember Maisie Turner! Maisie Turner! Who the hell's Maisie Turner? She married Bernie.
Remember Bernie? Used to pull the stall out down the market.
Yes I remember! What about 'em? Well she had two boys.
One by Bernie, the other by some bloke she met on a charabanc trip to the lights! Bernie found out and divorced her.
How did he find out? Blood tests? No, the youngest boy was half- caste! Now I ain't saying anything against yer Mum, Gawd rest her soul.
But if you put two and two together You come up with Rodney! You remember just before your Mum announced Rodney was on his way, she and yer Dad were having lots of rows.
She started going out withnew friends.
You mean that trumpet player from the Locarno? I thought he played the saxophone! No that was the other one! I can see it all now, it's beginning to make sense! Don't you remember when Rodney joined the Boys' Brigade? He was a natural with that bugle? And when toy look at him Del.
I mean, he's sort of different! Why did this have to happen eh? This of all things! Alright? - Yes, wonderful Rodney! - Couldn't be better Rodney! What's wrong? No, no! Everything's brill! Good! I wonder where Dad is? That's exactly what me and your Grandfather were wondering I mean there's no telling which pub he'll be in now, is it? What? Just admiring the suit.
Great, I love it, it is a new one is it? No, I bought it five years ago, it weren't new then! Come on, something's up, innit? Are you gonna tell me? Oh I suppose you've got a right to know Rodney! I want you to know that it won't make a blind bit of difference! Everything will still stay exactly the same! See the thing is, Rodney, that man you call Dad - ain't! - Ain't what? - He ain't yer Dad! - What is it, a joke? - No, I wish it was Rodney! I don't get you.
Of course he's my Dad! But he must be, Grandad introduced us! Say no more about it, leave it at that! No I will not leave it at that! You are trying to say that that man is not our father? No he just isn't yours! You've got a different blood group Rodney, look! So I've got a different blood group, what does that prove? It proves you're a whodunnit.
That's not the only thing.
You see, just before Mum fell for you, she'd met this, like new 'friend'! He was a trumpet player from the Locarno! And a saxophone player! Yes, alright Grandad, alright.
What are you trying to tell me.
My Dad was a band? No Rodney, no! Just the brass section! No I don't believe ya! The way you've always described Mum she'd never do anything like that! She wouldn't normally! This must have been just a one off.
Great! I can't wait to fill in my next passport application form.
Mother's name: Joan Mavis Trotter.
Father's name: Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass! Been for a drink Reggie? Yeah I've bin for a drink Dad.
I've got damn good reason to ain I? What are you moaning about now? I can read Del Boy! Earlier this morning I happen to notice them medical reports! I thought that's funny, different blood groups! So just to be on the safe side I checked my group with me donor's card, then I checked yer Grandad's group with his old army records.
And what do I discover? We've got a Lone Ranger in the family! I'd just like to know ho the hell Tonto was! If your Mother was alive now I'd kill her! You what?? Try'n see it from my point of view Del! How would you like to have a son who you love and care for, who you fetch up as yer own, only to find years later that he's a mystery? Waht do you mean you loved and cared for him? You walked out on Rodney when he was five years old! You didn't care if he had shoes on his feet or food in his belly! What do you keep bringing Rodney into this for? You're the mystery! AB.
Why? You alright Del? Eh? Yeah, I'm alright darling.
I thought you'd have been in last night or the New Year's Eve do! The rest of the family was here.
Were they? No, I er, I got a bit involved elsewhere.
Your Dad's a giggle ain't he? Yes Karen, that man is one long grin! He got up on the stage and started singing Adam Faith songs.
You're kidding? After all these years he's still doing the Adam Faith impression? He was good! He sang 'What do you want if you don't want money?' and, what was the other one? 'Someone Else's Baby'.
Do you want another one? Grand Marnier and grapefruit juice please.
- Oh leave it out Dad! - It's true I'm telling you! He still didn't know it was you? He didn't have a clue.
I saw him years later and he still had the scar! - Alright Del? - Yeah triffic Rodders.
Why didn't you come down last night for the New Year's Eve party? I had a bit of business to attend to, you know what I mean Can I get you a drink? That's nice of you, but I'm with my family.
Perhaps I can get yer family a drink as well! Karen, give those people a large brandy each, will yer.
Anyway let me finish the story.
Well I'm gonna have a chat with Del.
Oh! Alright Rodney - don't be long, eh! You didn't come home last night? No, er, I stayed the night at Trigger's place.
I'm fed up with kipping on that settee.
Is that the only reason? Yeah of course it is the only reason! You seem to be seing a lot of the ond man lately.
Yeah.
I think he's trying to make up for all the lost years.
You been out this morning? Yeah.
He took me to the zoo.
Oh yeahalright was it? Yeah, you know, animals and things! Good! Listen, I don't want to spoil the surprise, but I saw him up Selfridges on Friday looking at the Action Men! Why don't you just come back home, eh Del? I'm not with him now.
He won't let me forget that I'm a - a Lone Ranger! Del he hasn't mentioned it, honest! Maybe not to you, but every time I see him on the landing he always shouts hi ho silver! D'you know, at school once, during the biology lesson the subject of genetics came up, and the teacher said that children with same parents can have different blood groups! That's alright Rodney - you're trying to cheer me up.
You're a diamond, you really are! No, I mean it.
Why don't you get some advice on the subject.
Go and see Dr Becker.
- I couldn't Rodney! - Why not? Because then he'd know everything, wouldn't he? He's the family doctor.
He treated Mum when she was ill.
I don't want him thinking 'that' of her! No, I mean it's clear cut, Rodney, I am as the French say oeuf sur le plat.
The family is A, and I'm AB! So what does that matter? That's nothing, is it? You're only one letter out.
Look, the only difference between us is a B.
And we all know what B stands for, don't we? Rodney! You gonna play cards with us? Yeah, in a minute! You wanna game? No not me Rodney.
He'll always find a way winding me up! No he won't Del! Look, if you just sit over here on your own he's gonna think he's beaten you! C'mon.
He who dares wins! Yeah, OK, come on.
Take a seat Rodneyoh, does your friend want to play as well? Now just lay off him Reg! Don't you say nothing to annoy me! Oh as if I would! He's touchy ain't he? Don't know who he gets it from.
Right, what shall we play? Before you say it, no, we don't wanna play Happy Families! Alright.
We'll play Pontoon Dad, Rodney, Kimasabi.
You got any money Rodney? I gave you my last fiver this morning.
Dad? You know I'm skint! Well why didn't you nip Del for a few quid? I can't ask Del for money after what's happened! No I don't suppose you can! Rodney could! Alright Grandad, Rodders.
Evening Reginald! Grandad do me a favour.
Stick me a pizza under the grill.
You in for the night Del? Yes I'm in for the night! Good! We can all have a family sing- song together this evening.
You can join in if you like! What's up with you? Well, earlier on I showed him my GCE certificates.
He said he was proud of me! Then he went and wrote a bet on the back of one of 'em! He wrote a bet on the back of one of your GCE's? That man is the devil Rodney! I'm beginning to think you're right! I know one thing, you were right! Was I? Oh yes.
I took your advice.
Good! What advice was that then? I'll tell you in a minute! Well there were four in there earlier! Yeah, and you drunk 'em all! You don't fancy popping down the off-licence and get a few drinks in do you Del? No! No I'm off the drink for the moment.
I went and saw Dr Becker this evening.
Yeah? Why what's wrong with you Del? Well, for the last week or so I've been suffering from this pain in the arse! So I asked doctor Becker if he'd give me another blood test, you know just in sort of, double check it.
But he said there was no need to, because, you were absolutely right Rodney, a person's blood group doesn't make a blind bit difference.
A mother and father could have three children, and each one of those kids could have a completely different blood group! That's rubbish! I mean what does he know anyway? Oh he knows quite a lot! Like he knows that my blood group is group A! Well why's he written AB on the results? He didn't Grandad! Somebody added the B! Now I wonder who could have done that?? Well it must have been someone at the clinic having a joke! I mean the letters arrived by post.
The envelopes were sealed! Until you opened 'em! I was only trying to make sure that you two didn't have the same illness as me! Oh yeah, Dr Becker was very interested in your 'blood disorder'.
So he phoned up Newcastle Infirmary to find out exactly what was wrong with it.
- And what do you reckon? - They'd never heard of him! - Now how'd you know that Rodney? - I must be clairvoyant Del! You see, they ran your name through their computer They found they didn't have a patient called Trotter.
But, they did have a porter called Trotter! But he left two weeks ago with 57 blankets, and the chief gynaecologist's Lambretta! I don't feel all that well! I mentioned that to Dr Becker, and you know what he suggested: Plenty of fresh air new surroundings and lots of exercise - like take a longbriskwalk! Did he? Yeah maybe he's right.
Is that the time? I really must be on my way! So soon? Don't wanna outstay me welcome Del! I'llI'll get my things together.
The dirty, conniving little! Alright Grandad, alright.
Listen, I'll tell you what.
I hid a bottle of scotch underneath the sink.
Good boy Del.
I'm glad he's gone! Made it a right miserable Christmas for all of us.
It'a alright Rodney.
All over now.
Don't worry.
We'll all soone be back to just the way we were.
Del Boy, I've burnt yer pizza! See what I mean!