Only Fools and Horses (1981) s04e02 Episode Script

- Alright Trigger? - Yeah, I'm alrightemwell Yes, it's alright, I know Trigger, I know mate.
You going back to the flat are you? Yeah I'm coming back.
Do us a favour will yer, go on open up, I've got one or two things to do – bung the vicar a couple of quid, that sort of thing.
See them three over there, they're the North London branch of the family.
Make 'em welcome will you, keep your eye on 'em.
- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks, cheers Trigger.
I love a nice funeral.
Why don't you hang about, there's two more after this! - We'll leave the car shall we, eh? - We'll have a nice little walk, eh? Yeah, come onlet's have a nice walk eh Oi, gently!!! Well Michael.
How's business in the pub? Not bad Boycie.
Not bad.
Oh, you didn't hear did you? Thursday night some berk nicked me cigarette machine! Never! What about that sonic burglar alarm Del Boy sold you? Oh yeah, they nicked that an' all.
Just make some excuse Stan.
Say we're in a hurry or something! But it's a funeral love! We've gotta get all the way back to North London.
If we don't leave now we'll cop the rush hour! Look, I don't wanna go back to their flat either Jean, but I'm family! I wanna go back there - he was my brother! It's nothing to do with you Uncle Albert so stay out of it! What do you mean he was your brother!? You and him didn't talk to each other for years! Me and your Aunt Ada didn't talk to each other for years but she was still me wife! Come on, we'll go back for 'alf hour, show our respect.
Anyway, we'll only have him whining all the way home! And don't you dare light that pipe in my car! - It was a lovely service vicar.
- Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Has anyone seen my hat? It was here.
Right, 'ere you go.
Here you are look, come on, come on! Get stuck in there will you.
Where's the cake and candles Del? Don't matter! So the Chinese bird says to him, 'Listen I ain't cooking at this time of night.
' - Is that true? - Have a day off Trigger! Well everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, eh Trigger? - Yeah, it's a good do Dave! - Yeah, I don't believe you mob sometimes.
Have you got any fags on you Trigger? - What sort d'you fancy? - Anything'll do! Here you are, keep 'em, I've got loads! - Cheers! - Cheers Dave.
- Rodney, innit? - Well, it is when Trigger ain't about, yeah.
Uncle Albert - well great Uncle Albert really! I'm yer Grandad's brother.
Yeah, yeah, he told me about you.
But, you know, I don't take no notice of that sort of thing! No, no, it's best not to son! Shame really, me and him lost touch with each other years ago.
I spent most of my life at sea, you know, Royal Navy, Merchant.
- D'you know, I was torpedoed five times! - Yeah? Yeah! D'you know what the crews nicknamed me? Jonah? No! No, they didn't call me Jonah - not many of them! They used to call me Boomerang Trotter, 'cos I always come back! Triffic! 'Ere Rodney, do me a favour will you.
You know them batteries out there in the hall.
Stick 'em out in the corridor in case someone falls over 'em.
'Ere, Del, come here, come here son, listen to this one.
What is it, what? Go on.
Well, we'll have one more drink and get on our way, alright? I don't like the people over this side of the river! They're not as nice as North Londoners! You don't know what you're talking about girl! I was born round here! Need I say more? You couldn't wish to meet a more honest and generous people as South Londoners.
Honest and generous! I noticed they didn't have a whip round at the cemetery! Well they couldn't could they! Someone nicked the vicar's hat! DelDeldo youremember us, cousin Stan.
Stan yes, of course I remember you Yeah I was gonna come over and have a chat with you.
- This is my wife, Jean.
- Jean, yeah, hello Jean.
How are you? - Uncle Albert.
- Oh Uncle Albert, is it? Hello.
Your mum asked me to be your Godfather.
Yeah? I thought Uncle George was my Godfather? - Yeah, that's right.
Me and George spun a coin.
- George lost! So what you been up to these days Stan? Are you still poncing round in the insurance game, are you! I'm still in the insurance business, yeah, and doing very nicely thank you! - We've got our own place all paid! - Oh really what you got, a maisonette? - No - it's a mobile home actually! - Oh, you've a caravan? It's got two separate bedrooms, a breakfast bar and a combined toilet and shower-room! - It's a big caravan? - Well this is just a council flat isn't it? Yeah, but there's no chance of this getting a puncture is there! He's been living with us for He only popped round to borrow a screwdriver! If I hear another nautical yarn I'll swing for him! Someone suggested an old folks' home! - You can't do that, he's family! - Oh we didn't consider it.
Did we love? No, of course not! Well not at them prices anyway! - Are you alright son? - Yeah.
You ever been on board a ship Rodney? Yeah, yeah, when I was a kid.
Grandad took me.
I see.
Did he ever take you down and show you the engine room? No, no, it was only the Woolwich ferry! He got seasick.
We had to go home via the Rotherhithe tunnel.
I used to work in the engine room - maintenance, that sort of thing.
Cor, them boilers took some looking after and all! D'you know what the most important gadget is in the engine room? The lock on the porthole? No - they don't have port It's the safety valve on the boiler! You get a build-up of pressure and the safety valves ain't working - bang - the whole gubbins explodes! You've gotta find a way of releasing the pressure, that's what's happening to Del! He's releasing the pressure - laughter's just his safety valve! I don't think it's right! Them people laughing in there! I ain't laughingI ain't today, I ain't laughing tomorrow, I don't wanna laugh for the rest of my life.
Well, as long as you're happy son.
I'm away now, boys.
So I'll see you later.
In your trousers, Michael.
- I'm off now, Del alright son.
- Yeah.
'Ere, thanks for coming Mike.
'Ere, you're doin' a bit of a flyer ain't you? Well, as a sign of respect for yer Grandad I've decided to open the pub early.
Oh that's very nice of you Mike, appreciate the gesture! Thanks.
Oh about the booze.
It comes to 86 quid.
Please Mike, don't discuss money now, I mean you'll be offering me a discount for cash next won't you! I saw the periscope half mile off starboard.
I saw the wash through the torpedo’s fins.
It caught us at theat the pointed end.
Wallop! Up it went.
Foam, flame, fire smoke, burning metal! As soon as it happened I thought to myself, 'Hello, we've been hit.
' - I s'pose you get to know the little signs, eh? - Yes! Yeah, okay Mike, 'ere listen, don't worry about that burglar alarm that got nicked.
'Cos Trigger knows where he can get hold of another one.
Alright, so I'll whip it round to you okay.
Okay, cheers Del.
See you Rodney.
Thanks Mike, yeah.
Del, I've just been telling young Rodney about my days in the navy.
I don't know why you don't join up? Yeah, well you've just given me five good reasons! Here we are.
Here we go Rodney, look specialty of the house.
Sausage unt ala the old mash! There you go.
I ain't really all that hungry Del.
Oh come on Rodders! I've been an hour out there in that kitchen cooking this! Go on, try it at least.
- I can't eat that Del - What's wrong with it? Well, it's nothing like Grandad's is it? It tastes nice.
I tried to mess it up, honestly I did, Rodney! I just didn't have his knack! Do you know he was taught to cook at one of London's biggest establishments.
You're kidding.
No, straight up, he was a trainee chef at the Ear, Nose and Throat Hospital! Now, come on then.
- Come on, let's give this an 'iding? Shall we? - Yeah, why not? Well it's just - it's just us two now bruv! Me and you against the rest! They don't stand a bloody chance do they, eh? Del, someone's trying to pull our lavatory chain! Yeah, I know - I know it's an awkward one innit? The secret is one slow pull and then a sharp one! There you go.
There it is see.
What I'm saying is, right, we're the only ones in the flat and someone's trying to flush our lav!! No, yeah, well maybe it's a washer! Or something! How can a bloody washer pull the chain??? I don't know do I! I am not a scientist or something? Am I? No, it's alright, it's probably, you know quite simple.
You know nothing.
Nothing at all really.
Where's my bloody hammer? - Oh my bloody head! - Gordon Bennett!! You nearly had your head caved in then! You soppy old sod! I had too much of that cognac! Where is everyone? Well, they've all gone home! It's 'alf past 11 at night.
Where the hell have you been? I conked out in one of them beds, my belly's going round and round.
Oh my Gawd! 'Alf past 11.
D'you think Stan and Jean'll be worried about me? Worried about you? Yeah, well of course they'll be worried about you! Look, we can't drive you back there tonight now, no, me and Rodney have had enough to drink! What about a min-cab then? No, you won't get one now Rodney, they'll be busy washing out their back seats! I reckon you've got to stay the night and I'll drive you back to North London tomorrow.
Rodney, you go and lock up, oi, make sure you bring them batteries in 'fore someone swipes 'em.
- No one's gonna nick them Del! - Really, how d'you think we got 'em? I appreciate this son.
Oh forget it, I'll get you a pillow and some blankets, and you can make yourself a bed there on the chaise longue, alright? 'Ere, I won't be able to sleep on there Del! I need a good firm mattress, I've got a curvature of the spine see! Really? It's all them years sleeping in a hammock I suppose is it! Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised! I might as well kip down in there, eh? No, no, you can't go in there.
That's my Grandad's room! Yeah but - I'm his brother! Yeah, that don't make no difference.
Only me and Rodney are allowed in that room! That room is gonna remain exactly as he left it! That room is going to be a shrine dedicated to the memory of my Grandfather.
I understand Del! No, we'll just have to think of something else that's all.
Listen, if I get the big mattress out of Rodney's room I can put it down.
No, I'd never get it through the door would I.
- Oi, where'd you want these then? - Sling 'em in Grandad's room for now will you Rodney.
- Alright? D'you get Albert home safely? - Yes, I got him home safely alright Rodney! - Morning son! - Morning.
You're back? - Boomerang Trotter always comes back! - What happened? What happened? I'll tell you what happened, I drove him all the way back to North London.
Right through the bleedin' rush hour! And what did we find when we got there? Stan and Jean have moved! Moved? What do you mean moved? What do I mean? They hooked the caravan on the back of the Cortina and they've had it away! This was lying where the caravan once stood! It's just my clothes and a few personal belongings.
You mean that's all you've got in the world? No, we've gotta go back tomorrow to pick up his parrot! How could they do this to me? That is disgusting innit? I mean, deserting him like that! Yeah! It ain't the first time it's happened either! I mean, I think, there should be a law or something against that! Yeah, I know.
All I wanna know is where they've got Ere.
What did you say just then? I said it ain't the first time it's happened either!! D'you remember yer cousin Audrey? I went and stayed with her and her husband Kevin for a year.
One day they sent me down to Sainsbury's with a shopping list.
When I come back they'd emigrated! Not a dicky bird to me though! Then there was young Gillian, you know, Patsy's girl.
I went over there to give her a bit of comfort 'cos her husband was on nights.
Six months later she sets fire to the house.
She got three months medical supervision for that! I can remember thinking as I stood on the ledge and jumped into the fireman's net 'That's gratitude for you.
' I ain't 'arf got a funny feeling Del! So have I Rodney! I feel like a turkey who's just caught Bernard Mathews grinning at him! What shall I do with these then? I tell you what you ought to do with these shall I, put 'em in here right.
In they go, in there, 'cos you're not staying here.
No, of course not! Just for a couple of days that's all! No, no, no, not for a couple of days, not for one day! There's a seaman's mission down there at St Katherine's.
You go down here, go on.
Well, I thought I'd just have a look at the local paper, and find meself some digs.
Yeah, that's a good idea Uncle.
They'll have a local paper down at the mission! Now, go on sling your hook.
Yeah - alright Del! Don't mind if I have a quick cup of tea do you? No, go on there's a flask of cold tea out there and some vol-au-vents from yesterday.
- Go on, you can have them.
- Cheers son! What are you doing, winding him up? Yeah, yeah, I'm winding him up aren't I.
I'm winding him up! Del, he only wants to stay for a couple of nights, and get himself sorted out! - He's a Trotter Rodney.
- We're Trotters! Yes I know, but we take after Mum in nature.
He's from Dad's side of the family! You know what they're like.
You offer 'em a cup of tea and they think you've adopted 'em.
Look at that time when Dad came round here he wanted to stay 'one' night! - Took us nigh on a fortnight to get rid of him! - Uncle Albert might not be like that! Oh leave it out Rodney! You've heard him yourself when he was telling us about that time he came round the Cape of Good Hope, he was three months on the same wave! I don't believe you Del, I do not believe that you of all people, could! Where do you think you're going? I'm going down the caff, I'm gonna get some grub and some better company! I'm gonna put some clothes on first! You've changed Del! Yeah, well it's about time you did, come on, we've got to go down the market later on.
I mean your personality has changed! I've seen a side of you I never knew existed! You don't understand Rodney! You're right about that Del! I mean, look at you last night, you was laughing you was drinking, I mean, why didn't you just put yer Money M record on Del, we could have had a good old knees up! It was Grandad'sHow could you get over it so easily? Get over it? What a plonker you really are Rodney.
Get over it.
I ain't even started yet!!! Ain't even started bruv! And d'you know why? Because I don't know how to!!! That's why I've survived all my life with a smile and a prayer! I'm Del Boy ain't I! Good old Del Boy - he's got more bounce than Zebedee! 'Ere you are pal, hat you drinking? Go on! Hello darling, you have one for luck!!' That's me, that's Del Boy innit? Nothing ever upsets Del Boy.
I've always played the tough guy! I didn't want to, but I had to and I've played it for so long now, I don't know how to be anything else! I don't even know how toOh it don't matter! Bloody family! I've finished with 'em! What do they do to you, eh? They hold you back, drag you down, and then they break yer bloody heart! I'm sorry.
- Alright there, alright.
Hello darling.
- I'll be over there.
Okay, alright.
Alright pal, what you drinking? Give him one.
I'll have a Malibu and tonic with some lime and 'alf of lager, please darling.
- In the same glass? - No, in separate ones if you don't mind! Well I don't know do I, it might have been one of your erotic cocktails, Del.
Saucy little cow that one, ain’t she, eh? - Alright Del? - Yeah, brill! Triffic.
How's things? Oh you know, quiet.
Here, you know that old boy that was at the funeral, him with the beard? - He was in here lunchtime.
- Oh yeah? What is he? A relative or something? Nah - well yeah, I mean, he's a distant relative, yeah.
We was telling me all about his wartime dramas.
Torpedoed five time, dive-bombed twice.
He's a bit of a jinx ain't he? Yeah.
You know what his last job was don't you? He was entertainments officer on the Belgrano.
Straight up.
Cheers darling.
- One pound eighty please.
- Alright, there you go.
Go on.
Have one for luck.
Oh that reminds me Del, about all that booze yesterday? Yeah, what about it! Went down a treat didn't it? See you later Mike.
- I wonder where he is? - Eh, who? Uncle Albert! Oh him, oh, well he's down the seaman's by now ain't he, eh, got himself a lovely bed, blinding little locker - yeah, he's as happy as a pig in sugar! He is yeah.
Yeah I suppose so butmakes you think don't it? A man fights for his country like that, you know, laying his life on the line.
D'you know he went down with five different ships! Yeah! I know, I don't know why he just didn't join the submarine corps in the first place.
- He's got a nasty cough! Ain't he? - Yeah, pity Boots ain't open innit! - You alright Unc? - Yeah, fine son, ta.
Yeah good.
Did you go down the mission then? Yeah I went down there, but it ain't there no more! They knocked it down, built some luxury flats and a marina! Look, I ain't got very much I've got what Put yer money away Rodney, I don't want it! Thanks for the offer though.
Go 'n, you get back to Del.
Don't you worry about me.
Alright? Don't worry! It's alright Rodney, nothing to worry about! It's just me lungs.
We hit a mine coming back from Normandy.
I was trapped for 12 hours in a smoke-filled engine room.
Well, if it's not one thing it's the other, eh? He ain't got nowhere to sleep tonight! He went down the mission, it's not there any more - there's just a marina.
Well can't he kip in the back of that? A yachting marina! Come on Del - that's Grandad's brother sitting over there.
Where do you want him to sleep, eh? A dosshouse? Listen Rodney, that bloke has been in shark-infested seas, right, he's been attacked by kamikaze pilots, and blown up more times than a beach-ball! One night in a dosshouse ain't gonna do him any harm, is it? - You don't believe all them stories do you? - What? Do you reckon they're porkies? Well of course they are! I didn't wanna say nothing 'cos, you know, he's a proud man! What proud? Him? He comes from Dad's side of the family doesn't he? No, I just offered him a couple of quid and he wouldn't take a penny! No, well, he wouldn't would he, he's still got the hundred quid I gave him this afternoon! - You gave him a hundred pounds? - Yeah! You don't think I'd let him go potless do yer? Is that why you can't pay Mike for the booze? Oh come on, come on.
Alright? Yeah, alright son.
Just having a drop of rum, warm the old cockles.
- You eaten? - Na, not yet.
Then why didn't you have something to eat when you was in here at lunchtime? Well, all they had left was sausage and mash and I've gone right off that! - You fancy an Indian? - Wouldn't mind son! We'd never get a table this time of night, Del.
No.
We'll have to get a takeaway, and eat it at home! Yes, that's what we'll do, we'll get a take-away and eat it at homeEh? It it's alright with you two Del.
Thanks.
Don't know what you're thanking me for, you're paying! Come on Sinbad, let's get down there before the health inspector! Oh, I'm glad I caught you.
I've just phoned the mission and they said they've got a bed for you.