Only Fools and Horses (1981) s05e05 Episode Script

What's the matter with you Boycie? You don't seem you're old self tonight, You ain't cheated once.
No, sorry Trigger, I'm just a bit down, that's all.
I mean, you don't know what it's like to have a wife who cannot have children.
I've tried to console her.
I've said 'Marlene, God didn't mean you to have kids, so shut up about it.
'Doesn't seem to help.
I'd like to be someone's dad.
We're down for another going over at the bloody hospital next week.
I mean, embarrassing ain't the word.
I'm sure they do half those tests just for a giggle.
I mean, she's the one with the problem, why have I gotta go? I never knew who my dad was.
I heard your mum weren't that sure.
You're out of order Mike.
She knew who my dad wasroughly.
Now, come off it Trigger.
I've seen your birth certificate at school! What did your mum put down under father's name? Long time ago weren't it? What did she put down under father's name? 'Some Soldiers!' Well maybe that's where I get my military bering from! Oh yeah? Well go'n do a counter-attack then! Where's Del Boy tonight then? - He's gone to the Zoo.
- He's gone to the - Don't ask.
- Right then, I'm off now Mickey.
Yeah, I'll see yer later Amanda.
Here doll, treat yourself to a chinky, yeah.
Cor, cheers Mick.
I'll give you a bell in the week.
Seems like a nice girl Mickey! Yeah well! You know how it is Mike, every so often a person fancies a bit of rough! And she picked you? Oh that's a joke innit? I remember you said something funny a couple of years ago! Alright Mick? - Alright Rodney, what you having? - Oh, um, 'alf a lager please, ta.
'Ere y'are Mike, make that a big pint! Oi, oi, what have you been up to then? I'm working for Boycie ain't I! Delivering, picking up.
He's in the video game in a big way.
Pirates, naughties, all that! And it's cash in hand, no questions, sweet as a nut! Where you been, out on the knocker? No, I've just come back from me evening class ain't I? You know I told you we'd applied for an Arts Council grant? We got it! Never! Yeah, straight up! Mr Stevens, right, he's head of our art group, got confirmation this morning.
We got ten thousand pounds to make a local community film.
And we've got all the equipment, everything - and guess who's in charge of the project? You're putting me on! No, straight up, it's me.
What I've got to do, you see, I've gotta come up with the idea and then delegate the various responsibilities to all the other students.
Yeah, well put me in won't you? I'm a member of your art class aren't I? Oh come off it Mickey, you only came one night - and that's only cos I told you we had a nude model.
Yeah, well I thought it would be a bird.
You've gotta write it Rodney? Well, you're a natural when it comes to the written word.
I'll never forget that thing you wrote some years back.
What was it called? The Indictment.
That's it, The Indictment, yeah.
That would have made a terrific book you know.
Why didn't you send it to the publisher? I'll be perfectly honest with you Mickey.
I couldn't think of a single publisher who could understand what I was saying.
Yeah, it was a bit strange weren't it? - Alright Rodders? - Hello Del, what you having? What am I having? A bleedin' hard time with this moaner, here.
I shouldn't be humping bales of hay around at my time of life.
Bales of hay?? You see, Abdul's cousin's girlfriend's brother's mate, right, he's a gamekeeper down at one of these private Zoos! And Monkey Harris's sister's husband's first wife's stepfather, right, he works for an animal food company.
So, put the two together and what you got - a nice little earner.
Don't wanna worry you but I think you've got something nesting in there, old son.
Up yer shirt! Hang on.
I'll see you in a minute.
While you've been poncing around at yer soppy art class I've had to unload two tons of hay! Oh, poncing around, is that what you call it? Well, for your information, this evening I was commissioned to make a film! Leave it out Dave, I wouldn't leave you to make a jelly! I have heard rumours Mickey Mouse wears a Rodney Trotter wristwatch! - It's true.
- I love it, Boycie.
I'm telling you!! I've got all the equipment, and everything! I'm writing it andand Mickey Pearce is directing! You whatMickey Pearce directing.
He couldn't direct a sea gull to the coast him.
He's got experience in films! What, that Saturday-morning job at the photographic counter at Boots? Leave it out Rodney.
Anyway, you couldn't write a film script.
I mean, what was that book that you wrote, what was it called The Indikment, I mean that never got published did it, eh? No, 'cos you chucked it down the bloody chute! Yes that's right, because I didn't want to see you disappointed! It was a bloody stupid story - no murders in it or nothing! It was an indictment of a failing system weren't it? Alright, it was a first effort so it probably didn't have the same social impact as, say, Cathy Come Home! It didn't have the same social impact as Lassie Come Home! This film you're making Rodney - anyone in it we know? I tell you what, all them birds are in it for a start, look.
That's a shred move on your part Rodney.
You're the writer, Mickey's the director.
So he gets the casting couch and you get the Biro! 'Ey up there, here you are Oscar, quick, mind out - I've got a present for you.
There y'are.
- What is it? - Close your eyes.
- Oh come on Del! - Now, come on, close yer eyes! I bet Tom Stoppard don't have to put up with all this! Alright, come on then open 'em.
Well? There you are.
It's a typewriter, innit? You see that Albert, he recognised it straight away, that's the author in him! Well, come on Rodney, come on, let's get going boy.
You'll soon have that old screenplay knocked out now won't you my son? Go on, there.
It's erit's old isn't it? They made stuff to last in them days.
That is quality Rodney.
Look at that crest, by royal appointment.
- Oh yeahVictoria Regina! - Well go'n.
- What? - Well go on, try it.
It's very faint Del, innit? Well you gotta hit it harder than that Rodney - have another go.
It's still faint.
Well, you've gotta give it a good whack haven't ya.
Here, I'll show ya, look.
There y'are, there y'are, that's a bit better, look.
Yeah that's great, thanks a lot.
- Away you go then.
- Away I go what? Well, you know, you know, start the old typing.
Yeah, be creative.
Be creat I can't just be creative at the drop of a hat can I? There are certain things a writer needs before he can actually start writing.
Like a story! You ain't even got a story?? Not exactly, I've only been trying for a couple of days, ain't I? Listen, I've got an idea for a story and it's a bloody good 'un an' all! D'you wanna hear it? NoNot really Del.
Oh that's charming innit? You buy him a brand-new typewriter and come up with a story for him, and what thanks d'you get? I'll tell you what thanks get Albert, no sodding thanks, that's the thanks I get! Alright, tell me yer story then! No, no, don't bother yourself Rodney, please.
I was only tryin' to help you! Oh now, come on, honestly Del, seriously, I'd like to hear your story Well, I need a bit of help, don't I? Right, okay, now this is a Jaws-type story.
Jaws?? Jaws has been done though.
I know it's been done! But this is different.
It's calledThere's a Rhino Loose in the City! There's a Rhi Loose In As in rhinoceros? That's right.
There's a Rhino Loose in the City! What's it about Del? Well, it's about this rhinoceros right, escapes from the zoo and it heads straight for London! And after two or three days they find like all these dead bodies lying about and no-one knows who's done it! So, they get hold of this private detective, you know, like a sort of Charlton Heston type geezer to try and solve the crime.
Now the zoo keeper happens to be a very attractive woman.
Before you know where you are, old Charlton is giving the sort what for, so that's yer romantic interest! A rhinoceros?? Yeah! But they don't know it's missing! But how can you not know? If you've got a rhinoceros right and one day it ain't there - well, you tend to know it's missing! Don't be a plonker all yer life Rodney.
She ain't got one rhinoceros, she probably had two or three rhinoceroses! And how's he escape? Squeezed through the bars most probably! Now don't you start getting saucy with me Rodney.
I'm only trying to help you.
I don't believe this! Nobody knows it's escaped? What about the eight million people living in London? Don't none of them spot it? Yes! But the ones who spot it - they're the ones who get trampled to death! And what about all the others? The people in offices, the people in cafes, the people sitting on top of buses! It's a rhino Del.
- He only comes out at night! - What is it, a vampire rhino? No it is not a vampire rhino.
That is stupid that is, innit eh? And where does he live during the day? In a lock-up garage in a back street! What, he's leasing it is he? He's not leasing it.
It's a disused garage in a back street where no one ever goes! The detective does find it, only it's at night! And the rhino's gone out? That's right see, so you see the old detective is nowhere near solving the mystery.
You see what it is Rodney, not only is it a love story! It's a whodunit! An whodunit? What do you mean an whodunit? We know who-dun-it! The rhino done it! Yes, I know that, we - we the audience know that, but they don't know - the actors do they? This is something! A rhinoceros has escaped from a zoo! There are 300 dead bodies covered in rhinoceros footprints! There's a lockup garage two and 'arf foot deep in rhinoceros crap and Charlton Heston suspects the butler!! I do admit there are one or two teething snags! But it's got all the essential qualities of a hit hasn't it.
I mean, it's got suspense, lots of killings and a bit of humpty dumpty! I mean, look, this is a disaster movie! Disaster? It's a calamity Del! Why is he killing people? Well, what d'you want him to be a social worker? Well, he's a man-eater ain't he? No, no, rhinoceroses aren't carnivorous! They're vegetarian! Alright, so we elbow the lock-up garage and we make him hide in the back of an health food shop! And he won't head for the city neither.
But he's gotta head for the city so that he can kill lots of people! Yeah that's right! No, his natural habitat would be open country.
Alright, so what are you suggesting? We call the film There's a Rhino Loose Somewhere Out in the Sticks Where No Sod Lives?? You don't call the likes of Charlton Heston in 'cos something's eating carrots! I think it's a good idea Del.
- Thank you very much Albert.
- Yeah, well I'll pass! Alright, alright, I just wanted to put an idea in your head that was all.
I wish it'd been a bleedin' bullet now! Del, I've only got a small budget, ain't I? But that's the beauty of it Rodney.
I know where there's a rhinoceros going cheap! Yeah, alright Chas, I'll knock out that stuff for you tomorrow night.
Eh? Um, not sure whether we'll be wanting the rhino now.
We won't.
Alright, listen I'll give you a bell tomorrow Chas.
Tata mate.
Oi Tony, come on, where's that grub - we've been waiting 'alf hour.
There's something I wanted to catch on the telly, the Epilogue.
Wha' you order? Look I told you, two chicken and rice and one Spanish omelette.
Two chicken rice, one Spanish omerette.
Can't even speak the lingo can he? Well, how are you getting on with your story then? Well I have the kernel of an idea! I'm just waiting for it to develop somewhat.
It's what writers call the gestation period.
- And what do you call it? - Stop it, stop your winding up you.
And where's your director then Rodney? He's acquainting himself with the video camera and all the equipment.
Yeah.
He's down the Town Hall filming a wedding.
What d'you mean he's down the Town Hall filming a wedding? Well, well you see what happened was, I went down the Town Hall and around a few churches taking notes of the banns.
Then I contacted the brides and asked them if they'd like their happiest day recorded on film for 50 quid a throw! I don't believe you're doing this to me! Well look Rodney, that Mickey Pearce has gotta practice with that camera ain't he? He's gotta work out how to focus it and all that.
You know, why not earn while yer learn! That's what I say.
Anyway, Boycie nicks all them tapes from Boycie, don't he, eh? But Del, this is an opportunity for me and all you're doing is making money out of it! It'll be alright because he's only got five or six weddings to do, two or three christenings and he's finished.
But that camera is council property! - Yeah, so is the Town Hall.
- Yeah see, there you go! You're just abusing the trust shown in me, ain't yer.
LWill you shut up you tart! Look, here is your share.
I don't want it.
Oh well, please yourself.
It goes back in the Alright, just this once! Don't do me no favours Rodney! Will ya, eh? You've got a nerve Well, that's shut you up for a good while though innit Boycie! I keep telling you Marlene, them doctors don't know everything! They're a bunch of chancers that's all.
Good afternoon, I phoned an order through earlier, Mr Boyce.
- Oh yes, I go see.
- Thank you.
All those bloody tests I've had! And what about all the bloody tests I've Oh, good afternoon Derek.
I didn't realise you and your family were dining out.
Oh yes, I like to treat 'em once in a while, keep the moral up.
Hello darling, how are you? Hey, is my little godson in there yet? No he ain't! And he ain't likely to be with him around! Marlene bloody nuffing! All these years you've said it was my fault we couldn't have kids! They've just discovered there's nothing wrong with me - it's him.
Ain't it bleedin' fair eh?? What's the matter then Boycie? You ain't a noofter are you? See that you've started now Marlene? Even the doctors ain't allowed to discuss this outside the confines of the laboratory.
And you're holding a public debate in a Chinese take-away.
He's got what the doctors call a low count.
Don't want to buy a calculator do you Boyce? - What's it mean? - Nothing! It means he's been firing more blanks than the Territorials! You happy now Marlene? - My Boyce, prawn balls? - Yes thank Yes, thank you very much.
It's our anniversary next Friday.
20 years, Gawd, that's something to celebrate innit? Anyway, we've hired the pub and you're all invited.
Oh lovely, we'll be there sweetheart.
Well, come along then Marlene.
Yeah alright, oh Rodney is that right you're making a film? You know I used to act a bit when I was younger.
Actually someone once said that I had a promising career in films.
Yeah, then talkies come along and ruined it! Let's go Marlene! Tara Marlene.
Bye bye Boycie.
What about that then? Old Boycie being a Jaffa.
- A Jaffa? - Yeah, you know, seedless! I could use Boycie's problem as a theme for my film couldn't I.
Because that hospital they attend, that's one of the leading centres for genetic research, artificial insemination and all that.
That's quite interesting? Oh yeah, on the edge of yer seat stuff that - yeah.
Have you thought any more about the rhino story? Del, I am not doing a film about a blood-sucking rhinoceros and a divvy detective! No, that hospital interests me though.
I don't reckon they should be allowed to do it - freezing things and all that.
They're messing around with nature.
No, they're not messing around with nature are they? They're assisting nature! See, 'cos they only freeze the ova, or eggs, right, until they are ready to be fertilised, right, and then thy get the egg and well they sort of mixThere's this geezer Oi, oi, I've ordered an omelette 'ere.
Yeah, yeah.
Do you know what I reckon, in a few years time, young married couples wanting to start a family, they won't go to the doctors, they'll nip down the road to Bejams! - Everything alright Rodney? - No, the T and the A are missing.
Well it's no problem is it? Well it is if you wanna write words like 'at'! You'll find a way round it, I've got faith in you, I really have.
Anyway, how are you coming on? Can I have a read, or something? No you can't! It's not finished yet! Oh alright.
What's this, just a minute.
What's this red mark up here, is that something technical is it? No, one of my fingers started bleeding! Never mind, you'll be alright.
Hey! I tell you what, your movie ain't 'alf caused a stir round here! You'd be surprised how many actors and actresses live locally.
I don't mean - you know, like professionals, I mean a lot of new, fresh, untapped talent! Well, I made a list for yer, there you are.
You're not suggesting I use all these people in my film? Just extras Rodney, just extras.
Never mind the quantity think about the quality! I'm thinking about the money Del! I did say, well a tenner a day.
I can't afford to pay 'em a tenner a day! No, they pay us a tenner a day.
You're just exploiting people again ain't yer? No I am not Rodney.
I've given 'em your word now.
Well you had no right to! Alright here’s your share.
There you go, look.
And they're just extras? Just extras, that's all.
By the way, there's a list here of local businesses you might like to mention.
The Seventh Heaven Sauna Parlour?? Yeah, just a mention, something like 'The nice relaxing atmospheric, nice and friendly service.
' You know what I mean? Oh, is the undertaker's down there? - No.
- Oh well bear it in mind, will yer? Del, why are you doing this to me? I had high hopes when I started this project! Mr Stevens said if it was good enough he'd show it at the National Film Theatre.
What's the matter with you, you're earning ain't yer? Look, listen I've gotta shoot, I've got another client to meet.
It might mean another booking 'Ere, talking about thatwhat is a 'natural birth'? Never mind - I'll find out myself.
Albert, d'you wanna lift? Yeah, I'll be with you in a minute son.
Well come on, come on shift yourself I ain't got all night you know.
See you later.
Smile, you're on Candid Camera.
Alright, listen, I might have another booking for you later on.
I'll give you a bell, alright.
Alright Rodney? No it's not alright! This is getting out of hand! Look! What is it, a petition? No, that's our cast list! And this is a list of all the shops and businesses we've gotta advertise.
- He forgot the undertakers! - You mean you knew about it? Well it's good business Rodney! Right, I'm off out now Rodney.
- I'll get it.
- Look it's gotta stop Mickey! We're promoting shops and businesses, ain't we? We've got more extras than Ben Hur there.
- Watcha babe.
This is Amanda.
- It's a what? Amanda.
I'm taking her out for a drink tonight so I asked her round here so you could make her a nice cup of coffee.
Alright Rodney.
Yeah, okay.
- D'you take sugar? - Two please.
Mickey, could I have a moment of your time please.
What's up? Why is she wearing a nurse's uniform? She's just come off duty! Oh yeah.
You must think I've just come off a banana boat! What are yer playing at?? Look, I've been delivering these films for Boycie ain't I, so I know where I can sell 'em.
We've got all this equipment, why waste it? We can cut the middle-man out! I'd like to cut your liver out.
You are not making any films in this flat.
Understand? Both of you?? Alright Rodney, no need to get out yer pram about it.
Sit down.
I'll make you a cup of coffee then you can both hit the road.
What's happening? What the bloody hell's happening? I've got a cast of thousands, I've got more advertising than Pearl and Dean and now Mickey wants to make Emmanuelle in Peckham.
Oh, this is a bloody nightmare Now Rodney, RodneyCalm downDeep breathsNice 'n' easy does it - Night Nurse Take One.
- Night Nurse Take One?? That's the way baby.
Let it slip to the ground.
MickeyYou better not be doing Oh no Mickey.
No, get her to put 'em back! Oh bloody hell! Hold 'em up.
That's it.
Move 'em about a bit.
Oh hurry up Mickey love.
Boycie, he don't like smiling for too long.
Okay everybody, that's a wrap.
I wasn't ready for that one.
- Happy anniversary.
- Happy anniversary dear.
Oi, vicar get a move on.
We've got that christening to do in 20 minutes.
Yes, I'll be with you in just a moment Mickey.
Alright, I'll wait for you down the church then.
Alright Rodney? - Shut up! - Please yerself! Here we go Rodney, my son, there is your share, alright? I don't like this Del, you know I don't like this.
Ta.
Here Del, we're slipping out to the back room.
- Alright? - Right, good Mike, yeah.
- Hi Rodney.
- Alright Mike.
Of all the bars in all the world and you had to walk into mine.
You in my film as well Mike are yer? Yeah, just a little cameo role son.
I'll see you in a minute.
Come on Rodney.
Come on Albert.
It all seems to be going rather well.
Oh yeah, it's very nice innit vicar? I married the happy couple all those years ago.
Of course, I had hoped by now that the Good Lord would have blessed their union with an offspring or two.
But if it's not to be Well I heard that because of the precarious state of the world, Boycie and Marlene had decided against starting a family.
Oh really? I heard that Boycie was a Jaffa.
Tell me, is it true that you're making a film Rodney? Oh yeah.
We got an Arts Council grant.
I erI was talking with Derek earlier I'll give you a bell when we start shooting vicar.
Thank you my boy.
Alright - everyone got a drink have they? Even the vicar's in on it Del.
- What you want to drink? - Give us a beer.
Here.
Go on then my son.
- Watcha Dave.
- Alright Trigger.
- You dirty rat! - Oh, this is getting bloody stupid.
Alright gentlemen, would you like to settle down.
If you'd like to take your seats.
Come on, here we go.
The Boycie Video and Leisure Arts Company is proud to present the British Premiere of Night Nurse from the novel by Enid Blyton.
Ooh, that was a bit unexpected innit? Here look at that one.
I've got no sympathy for her, look.
No, no, Del that's gotta be special effects.
No that's real.
No stop - it's starting proper now.
Where do they get these grotty flats to film in? 'Ere I've seen that bird before somewhere.
Go on girl, let's have a look.
'Oh dear, I am tired I've just come back from nursing.
' One of those would do me a week.
Hello, who's got her ear muffs off now It was nothing to do with me Del.
It was a Mickey Pearce production! Mickey Pearce.
You wait till I get my hands on him.
I'm 'gonna shove that camera 'alf a mile up his nostril! Rodney, didn't you have any idea what you were getting yourself into? I thought Boycie wouldn't be too pleased you know, someone muscling in on his business and that.
God.
Boycie.
Boycie's not the one that worries me.
It's his partners that are giving me grief.
D'you know who's backing him in this, only the Driscoll Brothers that's all.
- Have you heard of 'em? - No.
No.
Well let's hope they haven't heard of you.
Now I'm gonna see if I can save your knees and make sure they stay in the same place.
Now I'm stuffing this down the khazi, you stay there.
Del, I promise nothing like this will ever happen again - I promise.
Hello Rodney? Alright for a cup of coffee?? - Oh yes, do come in Mickey.
- I brought a few friends with me.
Oh yes.
Pearcie! I want a ruddy word with you.
Hello? Oh Mr Stevens, hi! Yeah, yeah and have you had a chance to read it? Great.
Well what do you think? And please be truthfully blunt with me.
Okay, yes, ah ha! Yes well that's truthfully blunt innit Mr Stevens.
Yes, there are a lot of characters in it, yes, but all vital to the theme I thought.
Yes, well, I actually wanted to write a film that not only dealt with the contemporary issues but also challenged some of the more widely held beliefs of modern youth! No, that is no problem because my brother knows where he can get us a rhino, yeah!