The Simpsons s34e10 Episode Script

1
As we embark on the sacred
task of choosing a new pontiff,
let the Holy Spirit guide us.
In nomine Patris et Filii
et Spiritus Sancti. Amen.
The Doge of Venice sends his regards,
you (BLEEP) papal stooge.
Choke on your own junk, Petrucci.
That'll teach you to exclude
the Ecumenical Council,
you (BLEEP) papist lapdogs.
Throat cut. Head chop. Taste it.
(BLEEP), (BLEEP), (BLEEP).
Oh!
Where did you learn to talk like that?!
- Was it Selma?
- Aw, honey,
we're just worried that this bloody,
potty-mouthed game
- is turning your mind to
- To (BLEEP).
Oh, fine.
- Then can I play Future War: Death Guts?
- No.
- Future War 2: Brain Carnage?
- No!
But then what do I play?
I have to play some game.
Of course you do.
Do you like your new game, sweetie?
- No.
- Do you want to stop playing?
- No.
- Perfect.
That's right in the
video game sweet spot.
I found that blocky game
on a moms' group.
It's an online world where
you learn to help, share,
and get virtual stickers for
celebrating our differences.
It's good for all ages,
so I'm also letting Maggie play.
Let me help you get set up.
I downloaded the instructions and Oh.
I guess giving you that thing
to shut you up at restaurants
really paid off.
And these bushy eyebrows
are the cherry on top of
this hunk sundae. Uh-oh.
My nose is glitching.
Yeah, this stupid old
computer is super glitchy.
Why is the flat screen so thick?
Is it also a microwave?
Look, I bought this mohawk with Bobux.
What the hell are Bobux?
It's the money you use in the game.
You buy it with your parents'
credit card
so you can get skins, costumes, wigs,
even a dragon codpiece.
Ah, you're the only person on Earth
who looks lamer in a mohawk.
-
- See if this rando will buy it.
"I'll sell it for one Bobux."
Booyah!
Well, that's weird.
You got the money,
but you got another mohawk.
See if you can sell it again.
Another one.
Whoa, it's like printing money.
It's probably 'cause we're playing
on this crappy old computer.
Don't they have these
same old (BLEEP) Colecos
in the school computer lab?
They're even older and more crappy.
Then that glitch is gonna make us rich.
All we need to do is
round up a bunch of nerds.
Nerds we got.
Wow, Maggie.
You really love this game, huh?
So involving. Hmm.
I'm gonna log in to see
what's so fascinating.
Brought you some
strawberries and bananas.
Oh, you like bananas
but not strawberries.
Good to know. Wait!
You just talked! You're talking!
With tiny pictures! Do it again.
You hate broccoli.
Oh, my God,
we're having our first conversation.
This is amazing.
I'm talking to my baby.
Thank you, screen time.
Skinner, your school's test scores
made the paper.
- Hmm?
- The Chinese press is using them as proof
of the decline of the
American educational system.
Well, we did have all that lead
in the water fountain pipes.
Oh, lead, lead, lead.
Everything's always lead with you.
This school is a train wreck.
I want those numbers up, Seymour.
Get me a PowerPoint presentation Monday.
I'll have it done by Sunday night.
Don't ruin my weekend.
Hmm. Strange, the download rate
is 87 megabytes per second.
We're paying for 91.
Better check the router.
Hmm? Why aren't you students in class?
Um, we're playing Oregon Trail
and no one's having a good time.
Hmm. I don't see any
oxen with dysentery.
Milhouse, what's really going on here?
We found a video game
glitch that makes money
and now Bart is the boss of a
lucrative criminal enterprise!
You want strawberries or Nutella?
A crepe station?
Simpson, you are staring down the barrel
of a harshly-worded
email to your parents.
That I will follow up on.
Seymour, walk with me.
Well, I do need 9,000 more steps.
I'm gonna be straight with you.
We're printing money.
Yes, I saw Hubert's
Rolex fidget-spinner.
Now, I know you'd never take
any sketchy cash for yourself,
but what if we gave this
train wreck of a school
a piece of the action?
I wish people would stop
calling this school a train wreck.
Everyone else sees Seymour Skinner
as a broken-down sad-sack
never-was in a cheap suit,
but I see a broken-down sad-sack
never-was in a cheap suit
with a vision for this school,
a vision he never dared
tell anyone about.
I do have a vision
no, no, a desperate prayer
that could save this school.
Tell me everything.
In my dream there's a theater ♪
A theater so cool ♪
They'll turn this dump ♪
Into a magnet arts school ♪
No testing to standardize ♪
When all the kids are
"dolls" and "guys" ♪
Academic benchmarks
cannot be exacting ♪
When all you teach
is dance and acting ♪
If the baseball team's
on a 12-game slide ♪
We're not athletes,
that's a point of pride ♪
All you need is
just one famous grad ♪
An Idina Menzel or
even one Josh Gad ♪
No more STEM classes
for this wide-eyed fool ♪
Only fails and passes
when this dump becomes ♪
A magnet performing ♪
Arts ♪
School. ♪
Aah!
I'm in.
Giving all these kids
computer lab passes
for the rest of the
term was a great idea.
Too bad we can't work
after-school hours.
What if we say it's midnight basketball?
Ooh, Skinner,
who knew you were such a devil?
Well, I learned from the best.
Or should I say, the worst?
So, how do you turn the game
dollars into real dollars?
We use the Bobux to buy cucumbers
in the game Vegetable Crossing.
Then brine those into Pickle Pesos,
which convert ten-to-one in Delta miles,
then use those to buy
Panda Express gift cards,
which you donate to
Amnesty International,
then you can sell the tax credits
for cold, hard Danish kroner.
Now that we're finally talking,
there are so many things I've been dying
to chat with you about.
Like, what's your favorite animal?
Elephant!
And what do you want
to be when you grow up?
An elephant doctor.
Aw!
You love me.
Oh, Maggie!
Uh, Marge, you're in this
game world all the time now,
so I'm trying to dry my
pants in the microwave.
Should I set it on
"potato" or "popcorn"?
Homie, Maggie just said
"I love you" to me.
I never thought I'd hear
it for the first time
in a massively multiplayer
online roleplaying game,
but I'll never forget it.
Wait, in this game Maggie can talk?
There's so many things
I've wanted to ask a baby.
Why do you make eye
contact when you poop?
Do you remember when I
lost you at Home Depot?
Where do faces go during peekaboo?
Maggie heart doughnut man?
But I'm doughnut man!
She loves me. She loves me!
One of my three kids loves me!
Whee!
Stupid art school.
We're gonna have gum-proof floors,
acoustics that make second graders
sound like sixth graders.
And the ceiling's gonna be so high,
our resident opera ghoul won't
bump his head on the rafters.
Ouch!
Seymour, where on earth did
you find the money for this?
Um, look at the parent
donation thermometer.
Ah, well, the thermometer doesn't lie.
You wanted to see me, sir?
- We both wanted to see you.
- Martin,
when you run a business, as we are,
you need a product and a market
and a workforce that isn't full of
- Jive-ass snitches.
- I'm sorry?
We've heard you're gonna sing
to your parents about this
victimless thing of ours.
I-I have signed a mutual
honesty compact with them.
Oh, look, your report card.
Beautiful little A you've got here.
Would be a shame if
something happened to it.
God, no!
You sick bastard.
Okay, okay. I'll keep
your dirty video game secret.
Oh, man is wolf to man.
Skinner, are you feeling this?
I know it's insane,
but we're like a team.
Working together, shared interests,
we're more than a team.
We're colleagues.
Would you like to put
your feet up on my desk
as we daydream about our goals?
And top salesperson
of the day goes to
Sherri, who unloaded 150 rainbow mohawks
at ten Bobux a pop.
Couple more days like that,
and you're getting the trip to Honolulu.
This is new.
An ice cream truck.
Wait, they're shooting ice cream at us.
It's an ice cream drive-by. Run!
Oh, no. It's a trap.
Not unicorns.
They're my second-favorite
magical horse.
"Boblox belongs to us."
People, looks like we've
got ourselves a turf war.
- Bad news, we've got competition.
- Who?
The Sunflower gang's IP address
belongs to some place called
Limitless Frontier Horizons.
Hmm, what do you know?
The Montessori School.
Check out the fancy groundskeepers.
Those aren't groundskeepers.
They're parent volunteers.
Pay for tuition, then work for free.
What a racket.
Good morning, Principal Skinner.
Hello, "kids-call-you-Sandra."
Um maybe you're not aware of this,
but, uh, some of your
students have been interfering
with some of my kids', um,
independent study project.
Ooh, I'd love to help,
but our curriculum is student-led.
So if their passion is the
monetization of coding errors,
it's part of our core belief
system that I support them.
That's, uh, progressive school
mumbo jumbo for "screw you."
You can't tell me you want war with us.
Um, well,
"can't" is a word we don't use here.
We also don't say "don't."
We just can't.
Are you even in charge?
No! I just send out emails
trying to convince parents
there's a plan to all this.
Oh, please come to our
silent auction next week.
One of our dads is Drake.
He'll emcee but not perform.
That'll be all, Sandra.
Oh, that is a really nice tower,
Truth-Anne.
Yeah, yeah, they're all nice.
Let's take a walk.
Let me show you what I've built here.
From day one,
these curiosity seekers have been told
they can succeed at anything
they set their mind to.
Do you think you can win
against that unbreakable,
unearned self-confidence?
Look, there's room in the
Boblox scam for both of us.
You take the gumdrop fields
and teddy bear bouncy rooms.
We keep the penguin fun land
and the mushroom castles.
Well, sharing is one of
the habits of the heart.
We accept.
Can you excuse us for a moment?
What the hell are you doing?
What? We had to make a deal.
With only half the money,
there's no revolving stage,
no flying wire harness system.
Good luck doing Angels in America.
We can't go to war with these psychos.
Their self-esteem is off the charts.
Take the deal.
So, fellow lifelong learners,
do we have an understanding?
Yes, uh, we have an understanding.
Understand this:
"When you come at the king,
you best not miss."
You're going to quote The Wire to me?
My dad directed three episodes
in the dockyards season.
That season was slow, and also:
This. Is. War.
Look, we can still
get a deal with these guys.
- Let's just go back in there and
- You're out.
- What?
- You don't have the stones
for the mohawk trade.
You can't fire me.
You're right,
people who are fired get a severance.
You get nothing.
This is my grift. I brought you in.
It's all in the game, son.
All in the video game game.
Those self-esteem punks
are gunning for us.
I need a ruthless, bloodthirsty general.
Milhouse, you're up.
Me? But what about Bart?
He's history,
and this school doesn't teach history.
Do it and you'll never have
to play dodgeball again.
And I get the pretty
teacher for fifth grade.
- Mrs. McCarthy?
- You know who I'm talking about.
Mm. Ms. Tanaka.
Let's hit these
sunflowers where it hurts.
They steal our princess tiaras,
we kill their unicorns.
They strangle our gnomes,
we glitter-bomb their pumpkin patch.
So get out there and paint the streets
with the blood of tomorrow's leaders.
Let's talk Boblox!
Hey, everybody! It's me, Astrid.
And it's me, French Fry!
- Hi, Astrid.
- Hi, French Fry.
Have you been seeing all
this craziness in Boblox?
It's so crazy.
The Springfield kids
were selling mohawks,
but so were the
Montessori Sunflower kids,
so they got in a gang war.
Everyone is being so grouchy,
makes me sad.
Check out what happened
to the Springfield kids
at the Candyland.
I like bears, but this one looks mean.
- Aah!
- Ew. He was mean.
You are always right about bears.
Don't ever rip me in half, French Fry.
I would never, Astrid.
Online friends forever!
Oh, look, it's a fashion show.
I love fashion shows.
This Nelson guy looks so cute in a vest.
Cutie alert!
Ouch.
That Sunflower kid is stabbing him.
Stabbing's for jerks.
The Springfield gang
is getting wiped out.
Astrid, why are candy canes
only for Christmas?
Great question.
Subscribers, post your theories.
No racist stuff, you guys.
Bye!
We did it.
We made our house in Boblox.
Aw, I wish Lisa were here, too.
Guys, you've been in this game so long
that, out in the real world,
the lawn is overgrown,
Bart bought a Lexus,
and I had to go to my own
parent-teacher conference.
Turns out I'm a joy to have in
class and I might need glasses.
Guess what, honey. Maggie talks in here.
Whoa, Maggie,
you're communicating using only emojis,
like an old person trying
to act like a teenager.
Ha! And, Dad, you're not at Moe's?
Why would I be at Moe's
when we can play
volleyball with my head?
Whee!
Who would have thought that
our family would be happiest
inside a video game?
It's heaven,
and it's all from the comfort
of my real-life toilet.
My dream of a theater ♪
Has turned out so cool ♪
The moment has
come for my magnet ♪
Performing arts school. ♪
We're getting butchered everywhere!
Good God. What about our revenue stream?
They've taken it all.
Hmm. I'm gonna show these kids
something they have no idea exists:
the real world!
Ah, stupid Skinner.
I'm done trying to make
money out of nothing.
I'm going all in on NFTs.
Apathetic face emoji?
Arts school!
He's destroyed the
community wasabi garden.
He's heading for the computer lab.
What kind of nurturing is this?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Out of my way.
Don't do this, Seymour.
Oh, I'm doing it.
If I crush their computer lab,
we beat these psychos.
Look at yourself.
You're about to bulldoze a school.
They took Daddy's money
and I'm the daddy!
What's happening?
We're in unchartered school territory.
I've spent the best years of your life
trying to drive you insane,
and now I don't want that.
This isn't you. You're not a psycho.
You're lame, like unfrosted cornflakes.
But I want to be Lucky Charms.
It's okay. Corn Flakes is
a surprisingly good cereal.
But crushing this kombucha academy,
that'll ruin your life.
And being partners with
you has made me realize
you're a human being.
No, I'm not.
You are. Walk away.
But I already rented the
costumes for Seussical.
It was never meant to be.
But Josh Gad.
Josh Gad is not real.
He never was.
Right, of course he's not.
Maybe there's a teachable moment here.
In a sense, the bulldozer
is Anglo-Saxon privilege.
You're fired, Sandra.
Oh, thank you!
Come on, let's head to Krusty Burger.
I'll buy you a shake
and you can tell me about
your other stupid dreams
that will never happen.
No, Bart, I'm done
living in a fantasy world,
because a fantasy world
is no place to live.
Sorry to bother you,
neighborinos, but, uh,
the newspapers have been
stacking up on your porch.
I just thought I'd peek in
and give you a lookie-loo.
Hello?
Mm
Shh!