The Simpsons s34e09 Episode Script

When Nelson Met Lisa


As graduates, we go forth into a world
where benevolent AI has
solved all our problems.
Yes. Our only goal is to serve humanity.
So, graduates,
the challenge is to find new challenges
- which will challenge us
- NELSON: Hut, hut! (GRUNTS)
Hut, hut! Ah!
I sure wish there was an easier way.
Aw, man!
LISA: Nelson?
- Nelson Muntz?
- Lisa Simpson?
(GASPS) It's been so long!
What have you been doing
since fourth grade?
Very little.
I tried sushi. Didn't like it.
That's about it.
- Hey, we'd like a little privacy.
Take five!
So many shooting stars.
It's beautiful.
I was doing a mic check for tomorrow.
Wouldn't you know it,
I am the valedictorian.
(CHUCKLES) Are you a student here?
- No, I'm a pusher.
If anything heavy at school
needs pushing, I push it.
Seriously, my life is not great.
It's all flooding back.
My attraction to a bad boy
plus my compulsion to fix you.
They're kind of the same thing:
fear and desire.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
She's leaning in,
and I'm not looking down her shirt.
I must really respect her.
Do you want to see where I live?
Hell yeah.
Strap in.
I've never ridden on a motorcycle
- ♪
You live here?
It's adorable.
All I have to do is ring this bell.
Ooh, 3:00 a.m.
- Whoa, kind of loud!
Don't you think?
You look great, too, thanks!
All right, I've got to know,
why did you guys move
away after fourth grade,
and then not tell anybody
where you were going?
We had to get out.
Move somewhere that people didn't see us
- as the school bully and his poor stripper mom.
- Aw!
NELSON: I punched my house goodbye
and left for who-knows-where.
LISA: Okay, I've got to be honest,
your troubles are reeling me in.
All I need to hear is
one clumsy compliment,
and I'm hooked.
Uh I bet you could bench 120.
Aw, Nelson.
I need you to know I never
saw you as just a bully.
But I pounded so many dweebs.
Well, yeah, but to me, you were a sweet,
lost little lamb with
blackout anger issues.
I confess,
my knees would buckle a little
every time you'd say: "Haw-haw!"
- Haw-haw!
- Haw-haw!
Emphasis on the first haw.
BOTH: Haw-haw! Haw-haw!
- Haw-haw!
- Aw, nailed it.
Aw, look, the sun's coming up.
So, have you been seeing anybody?
Of course. (SCOFFS)
You think I, Lisa Simpson,
could go through four years of college
without a single date?
There's this amazing guy.
Vegan but not, you know, "vegan."
Majors in pony studies. (GIGGLES)
Sounds perfect. What's his name?
Um Fred.
Fred Gormanshenlen.
Gorm Grim
Mm-hmm, Fred Gormanshenlen.
Hey, Lis, still looking for a boyfriend?
Or a girlfriend? Or a friend-friend?
Bart! Look, it's Nelson.
- Give me your lunch money.
- Ah!
Just kidding, that's stupid kid stuff.
Give me your rent money. Also kidding.
But if you want to give me
some money, I'll take it.
Uh okay.
Thanks, man. That takes me back.
Mom and Dad wanted me to tell you
we're taking you to breakfast.
Now I'll leave you two alone.
I know all you did was
put on an invisibility cloak.
Fine. I just wanted to see what happens.
Sure is beautiful up here.
Remember that time we, like,
"liked" each other for a bit?
NELSON: Um, I'm not sure.
Maybe Could be
Nelson, do you think this
could be one of those moments
that changes your life forever?
Like finding a quarter in a couch?
Even better.
Uh, hold that thought. Duty calls.
It kind of ruins the moment!
Yeah, burritos are great!
MARGE: Bart! Did you find Lisa?
BART: She's up there talking to the kid
who used to beat me up all the time.
HOMER: The vest one or the hat one?
BART: Vest.
HOMER: Always liked him.
Lisa, get down here!
You know they only let me
out of debtors' prison for half a day.
I thought selling my house
and one lung would be enough
to pay for college,
but it just paid for the meal plan.
You better go.
I'll call you.
Great. Want to hear my ringtone?
It's really awesome.
The future is bright.
We go forth into a world
where we've reversed global warming.
And now there is a low-carb bread
that doesn't taste weird.
Congratulations, class of (MUMBLES)
Toss up your caps, and,
starting this year,
they will come down as diplomas.
Art history?
It was more valuable as a cap.
(SOBS): I'm so proud.
She's the first Simpson
who went to a college
who wasn't participating
in a sleep study.
You missed your sister's speech.
Ah, she's been rehearsing it
every night for 22 years.
"Follow your dreams," "carpe diem,"
sax solo, Maya Angelou quote, out.
Nailed it.

Lisa, since you're moving
to the big city,
let me give you some
very important advice:
the police horses
will not share their oats.
I repeat: not share their oats.
- Stop the car!
I wonder what life could be like.
Je t'aime.
Hold that thought, it's midnight.
When are we gonna get a real apartment?
We live in the best
bell tower in the world,
and you're still not happy.
Nelson, it's still a bell tower.
I know what you're saying.
"This marriage is incredible.
- No man compares to me. I love you so much."

Dad, please drive away
at a melancholy pace.
Good, and can you make it
look like it's raining?
(SNIFFLES) That's perfect.
HOMER: What am I supposed to do?
What does that mean? (CLEARS THROAT)
It's "S" years later.
Oh, wait, five years later.
Oh! Narrating is hard.
Lisa and Nelson have not seen
each other since college,
but five-uddenly,
I mean, but suddenly
Oh, sweetie, person of the year.
You look great.
I can't believe it didn't go
to President "Clone of Abraham Lincoln."
What have they done to
my Republican Party?
Even I think they're nuts.
But as long as they're cutting
education, I don't really care.
(GRUNTS) But I'm innocent, okay?
I did not rob this train, I swear.
I'm simply here to try
one of those classic
Amtrak cheeseburgers.
Super yum.
We've got proof.
There are 1,700 surveillance
cameras on this car alone.
Fine. I admit it.
Guilty as charged.
Behold the awesome power
of the flying squirrel.
- Wha?
- Gotcha.
Don't forget, every squirrel has a tail.
Like, no!
Nelson Muntz?
Are you a police officer?
No way. No one wants to be
a lame-o cop these days.
Ah, shoot. Uh, Lou.
Can you fish around down there,
maybe find my seat belt?
Just let me die.
I'm a bounty hunter.
This angel with zip cuffs is
the love of my life, Rott.
Short for Rottweiler.
Lisa's a friend from
Springfield Elementary.
Remember that principal
we arrested for matricide?
(GASPS) Skinner killed his mother?
No, mattress-cide.
He ripped the tag off his mattress.
Your sleep number is up.
Nelson, I haven't seen you since
that night at college.
Uh, what night at college?
It was nothing,
just another one of those evenings
where you stay out all night
and watch the sunset
and hear a few bells.
Hubert Wong, visionary tech giant.
Your hand feels as soft
as a baby's bottom.
And yours feels like a busted driveway.
BOTH: Thank you.
So, Hubert, what's up?
I have been waiting for
this day since second grade
when you used to bully me.
Those who laugh last, laugh best.
And now I have won the prize
your heart desired most of all.
That luggage rack behind Lisa?
No, Lisa.
Do you know where I proposed to her?
I don't know. Chipotle?
Hubert proposed on the moon.
He took me to the Sea of
Tranquility at earthrise,
and I saw "Marry Me"
written in the sands
of the Sahara Desert.
- NELSON: Bo-ring.
In space suits, you can't even kiss.
HUBERT: I spent $20 million
designing suits where you could.

ROTT: Holy crap.
That story sucked.
Nelson and I have a love so hot,
it'll melt your damn skull.
- Ah!
- (SCOFFS) We met when I hauled his fat carcass in
for the reward.
I had an overdue library book.
I got stuck on this one word:
"new ants"?
Nuance! Nuance! Love you.
Aw! Mm!
Ugh, I need a drink.
I could go for a scotch and steroids.
Oh, funny.
Lisa never told me she
had a thing for you.
Well, not really. In a way.
Sort of. Maybe. I don't know. Shut up.
Tell me, Nelson, how is your mother?
What was her job again?
I believe some sort of
freelance entertainer? Hmm?
- Stripper.
- Ah, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes.
And your father, is he still living
with his secret other
family in Shelbyville?
Huh? Is he? Is he?
We were the secret family, idiot.
- (GROANS) He wedgied me!
My "person of the year" status
didn't protect me at all!
(GASPS) Nelson, you're an adult,
and you still do this?
Not cool, dude.
I mean, you can shake off
a punch to the face,
but those underpants are
stretched forever, man.
Nelson, I really thought that
by this time that (GRUNTS)
You never learn.
Love is so fickle.
Lou, can you jam my butt
into this bathroom?
Oh, man.
HOMER: Five years later.
Why do I have to say it again?
Couldn't you use the
one I said last time?
And I asked for a 3 Musketeers
about an hour ago.
good but a little disappointing.
Looking for a phone?
I recommend the one that
attaches to your brainstem.
(GASPS) Nelson. Hi.
Minimally invasive surgery
and updates you barely notice.
So, listen,
sorry about what I did to Hubert.
How're you two doing?
Great. Great.
(CHUCKLES): Great.
You know,
his company is doing fantastic.
The new ePhone 67 enables users
to actually meld their minds.
Experience intimate contact
with your loved ones
with a minimum of pop-up ads.
And most importantly,
we care about our workers.
Thanks to this innovation,
we're finally able to
pay them $16 an hour.
In store credit.
How are you and Rott?
We're great. We're good.
Not that good. She left me.
Here's a little fact
to put in your mind.
Hubert and I are separated, too.
- Meet cute: achieved.
Time to go to the next level.

BOTH: Coffee!
- LISA: We just want coffee!
I should never have left my home planet.
Today's temperature is 50 below zero.
Would you like to order mittens?
So, my ex and I split up
because of a fight,
a fight she had at a fight
club without telling me.
Ugh, there's nothing worse
than dishonest punching.
But enough talking about other women.
Lisa, I'm tired of only
seeing you every five years.
I'd like to see you every
three years or two or
or on a weekly basis!
Nelson Muntz, I would really like
to get to know you better, too.
It had to be you ♪
It had to be you ♪
I wondered around ♪
And finally found ♪
The somebody who ♪
What about Milhouse?
If I'm a simulation, why am I so lonely?
Who does that benefit?
Lisa! Lisa!
Uh, wait a minute. (GRUNTS)
- I want you back.
- No.
Lisa, through the miracle
of constant repeated
electroshock therapy,
I've fixed everything
about myself, and now I am good.
I am great. I am awesomeness itself.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, attitude reset.
Take me back. Please.
See, I say please now.
You want me to beg?
This guy begs.
I don't know. Why should I?
Why don't you look outside?
You can run my charitable foundation.
You can save the planet.
All the dreams you laid out
in this second-grade paper.
You kept that this whole time?
Oh, no, what do I do now?
Um um
They say if you love something,
let it go.
And if it loves you, it'll come back.
Ex-Except for your turtle which
got smushed by that mail truck.
Follow your dreams, Lisa.
Like you said in your graduation speech.
You remember my speech!
(SCOFFS) He remembered one line.
I have it all.
Hubert, this is a side of you
I've never seen.
Goodbye, Nelson.
You idiot.
Woah, those really hurt.
HOMER: Four months later.
Wait, that wasn't the end?
She doesn't end up with Hubert?
Oh, wait, oh, I see.
There's still another page here.
Okay. Lisa and Nelson get a phone call.
Their best friends are getting married.
The bully with the hat
and Krusty's daughter.
And why am I doing this? Am I dead?
I hope not.
BOTH: Hello?
- Will you be my maid of honor?
- Will you be my best man?
-I can't believe
-I can't believe
- how much I love him.
- how much I love her.
BOTH: Oh, how are you?
- Meh.
- Same old, same old.
Blah, blah, blah.
BOTH: I just hope you
find the happiness I have.
It's so great when
severely damaged people,
like all of us, find each other.
So, can I count on you?
BOTH: Sure.
- She's so lucky.
- He's so lucky.
I don't have a dog.
I got to fix that screen door.
So, Sophie and Jimbo.
I guess some people have happy endings.
Come on, Lisa. Use the crook
of your arm, not the forearm.
No one ever taught you
how to interlock arms?
I know you're not really angry.
I know what this is really about.
Just because you know
everything and I know nothing
doesn't make you smarter than me.
Well, maybe it does a little.
(SCOFFS) You told me to go,
and now you're mad I did.
You haven't changed
since elementary school.
Nobody changes after elementary school.
The church is eating me.
Thanks for coming. Thanks for coming.
And thanks to this hologram of my father
who's about to perform this
beautiful interfaith ceremony.
My son, you are a big needy nothing.
Aw, his speech from my bar mitzvah.
That always gets me.
People ask me, "Why Jimbo?"
And I say, "Screw you,
mind your own business, Mom."
But there's more.
He's honest.
He doesn't hide who he really is,
and there's no one I could
be more in love with.
Have I been missing it the whole time?
Is Nelson the one?
No. You love Hubert.
You are the smartest, sweetest,
funniest person I've ever met.
Eh, I'll never have a life.
They're bailing!
Thank God I had understudies.
What are you doing out here?
You'll catch cold.
Come on, take my jacket.
Why did you follow me?
I followed you because I adore you.
Lisa, I used to know what it was like
to hurt a person for no reason.
Don't do it to me.
I couldn't be more serious.
I love you because
you're the last person
I want to talk to at night.
When you say "Smell you later,"
I do want to smell you later.
Wherever I've gone in my life,
I'm drawn back to you like
a dork's face to a swirly.
And when I get all
wrapped up in my feelings,
you're the one who tells me
feelings are dumb.
But they are dumb,
if you throw away everything
for a loser in a clip-on tie.
I'll tell you what I want, mister.
Haw Huh?
I lost the girl, but I got the bell.
So, I was doing a panel at CPAC,
the Clone Political Action Committee.
Not the other one, they suck.
And I saw the tallest drink of water
I'd ever seen in my life.
I looked at him and said, "There's a man
I'd like to share a bed with."
That was a thing in my day. It was!
Then I found out he was an actor
and, uh, boy, that was a red flag.
Well, yes, but now
we've been running mates
for four straight terms.
Didn't hurt that we were running
against Jimmy Carter
and Grover Cleveland.
Oh, we'll be back.
Between my malaise and his mugwumps,
we can't lose.
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