The Simpsons s34e08 Episode Script

Step Brother from the Same Planet


Everything here is made out of garbage.
Upcycling is at the very core
of the modern maker movement.
It's very responsible.
Like these doggie chew
toys made out of
used retainers?
Ugh! Too responsible!
Hey, guys. You're craft fair fans, too?
Ew, no. We're doing
a photo scavenger hunt
for Francine's birthday party.
We need a picture of something sad.
I wonder why I wasn't invited.
'Cause you're a party narc
who ruins everybody's fun.
What? When have I ever done that?
You once deflated a bouncy house
'cause you smelled mildew.
You shut down a pool party
'cause the diving board wasn't code.
You stopped a barbecue
because the fire
extinguishers were expired.
Okay, okay, I get it.
Basically, you're a wet blanket.
That's not true,
she's more like a blanket
that tattles and kills all joy.
Ooh, that's sad.
Oh, what a beautiful little box.
- I'll take this.
- You'll need this polish.
It's my blend of secret ingredients,
including carnauba wax.
That-that one's not a secret.
Okay, I'll take both.
I have to explain to the box
that it's going to live with you now.
Okay, baby, you're gonna go
Are you seeing this?
Are you seeing that?
(CHUCKLES) Man bun.
Pathetic old dude thinks
death won't find him
if he has a freaky hair lump.
(CHUCKLES) Stupid bun.
Homer, Marge!
You finally get to meet my special lady.
This is Blythe.
Special lady? Since when?
Oh. Oh, it's been almost six months.
And we're just hearing about it now?
What do you mean?
I left you tons of messages.
I thought those were all butt-dials.
GRAMPA: Homer, I've met someone
- I'm in lo
- Blythe and I are getting seri
- I fell out of the senior van and I'm lost
How did you two meet?
I was hired by the Retirement Castle
to cleanse auras with a
therapeutic sound bath.
But I don't want inner peace.
But when she started gongin' her gongs,
it felt like I stuck my tongue
in love's power outlet.
(MOANING): Oh, wow.
BLYTHE: As Abe vibrated past,
there was something inside
him that called to me.
GRAMPA: It was the bullet I
fired into my foot during the war
to get out of KP duty.
We're not wasting any more time.
I'm moving in with her.
I finally found true love.
And I finally won't have to pay
for your retirement home.
You have so many chimes.
You're not going to miss any wind.
Ooh, this is my son Calvin.
Felicitous greetings on this day to you.
That's how this one guy
talked in Star Trek
when they went to a Shakespeare planet.
It's how I'm saying hello these days.
Oh, uh, hello-eth to you.
What a charmer.
- How old is Calvin?
- 11.
Hmm, so you had him when you were
Oh, he's adopted.
Cute kid, but, man,
my dad's gonna eat him alive.
Hey, there's my guy.
He never gave me uppies.
Abe and Calvin love to cook for company.
Final looks on the plating, chef.
That one needs a sweep
of balsamic, chef.
Nobody's refilled my water glass.
This restaurant would
get zero Michelin tires.
Tonight we've made for
you a roasted chicken
with apricot and fennel.
- MARGE: Mmm.
- How are we enjoying the first bites?
Well, I'm not getting fennel at all.
So that's a fail.
(WHISPERING): Don't be rude.
(SHRIEKS) Shelf rat!
Well, they're both rodents,
but this little dude
is a Sciuridae,
or squirrel, if you prefer.
I'd prefer that it
not stare into my soul
like it knows my sins.
Calvin does taxidermy.
That's one of his pieces.
He's a rising star in the field.
He takes classes with adults.
You can't even see the tire tracks
- on this guy anymore.
Uhp, time for your glocky-drops, Abe.
Aw, that stuff makes me blinder
than an umpire in a mineshaft.
You know the drill, commodore.
Head back, eyes open.
BOTH: Rain, rain.
Windshield wipers!
Here you go, sweetie.
We made that chestnut
stuffing I know you love.
BLYTHE: Abe, you're feeding
the thermostat again.
D'oh! Damn glocky-drops!
Yo, our grandfather
Abe Simpson moved out,
but left his (SHUDDERS) denture cup.
Do you have a lost and found?
Please say you don't
have a lost and found.
Oh, Abe's moved out?
Well, his room is paid up
for the next two weeks.
Uh, actually, I misspoke.
Um, Abe is still using the room.
Using it like crazy.
We own this place for two whole weeks.
- Hmm.
- We can take a shower in a chair,
- flush the toilet a million times
- Interesting.
Oh, you're gonna tell Mom and
Dad about this, aren't you?
Nope, this is one whistle
I'm not gonna blow.
Instead, what if we used this room
to throw the greatest
slumber party ever?
No rules, no limits,
and, dare I say it, no slumbering.
(STRAINING): Tell me more.
Also, that kid is not
that good of a cook.
There's such a thing as chicken being
too tender and juicy, you know?
Our wood is really loving
this carnauba stuff.
And what kind of kid does taxidermy?
Dead animals are meant to be
poked with a stick, end of story.
Homer, you've been complaining
about Calvin for three days.
Why are you so obsessed with him?
What? I don't think about him at all.
But did you notice how
he asked to be excused?
That speaks to a guilty conscience.
And another thing.
(LISPING): Why is my tongue swelling up?
- What is this rash?
Oh, my gosh.
You must be having an allergic
reaction to the carnauba wax.
Well, stop using it!
I-I've rubbed it into the floors,
the windows.
Every wood surface in the
house has been carnauba'd!
It'll take weeks to dissipate!
But where do I go to breathe?
Yay, you're here.
I was putting up glow-in-the-dark stars.
I'll let you distribute the other half,
since you're kind of
like my brother now.
Brother? (SCOFFS) I'm a grown man.
Half? This is barely a third. No fair!
Okay, Harry Potter chapter read,
pillow fluffed
Scary German puppet
turned to face the wall.
GRAMPA: Uh-huh.
And now, a good-night kiss.
Watch your feet!
- Night, Calvin.
Psst. Homer. Want to play 20 questions?
Okay. Question number one: Shut up.
(LAUGHS) You're funny.
We should go out on our bikes tomorrow.
I know this place by the nuclear
plant that has the best jumps.
Oh, wait. Did you bring your bike?
I don't have a bike, I have a car.
And I don't play at the nuclear plant,
I work there because I am a grown-up.
Abe says I'm mature for my age.
When we check in at a restaurant,
he gives the host my name,
so I'm practically a grown-up, too.
No, you're not.
You're a pants-wetting baby.
(SPUTTERS) That is patently untrue.
I have excellent bladder control.
If anything, I hold it in too long.
Pants-wetting baby!
Stop lying! (GRUNTS)
(GASPS) You threw that zipper-first!
(GASPS) My orrery! Eat gas giants!
I'll give you a gas giant!
Stop squirming and let me fart
- No!
- on your head!
Never! (GRUNTS)
- Ow!
I welcomed you into my home,
my room, where I keep my artifacts.
But you, sir, are a butt brain!
From here on out, it's war.



Thank you, Mother.
Pickup is noon tomorrow.
Don't be early. Bye, now.
Drive away. Don't look back.

- Welcome to our pop-up sleepover.
Do you have the "birthday gift"?
One $25 gift card.
Take off your shoes,
we have unlimited bed-jumping.
I've never felt so alive!
We got PG-13 movies,
rated "M" videogames.
What if Mother calls?
We got Milhouse in the closet
standing by. Guy's a pro.
hello, Wendell's mom.
Yes, I will remind him
to wear his night guard,
because I am another parent.
(NORMAL VOICE): Love you.
Lis, take a moment.
We did this. You did this.
- ♪
I am Lisa, bringer of fun.
Driest of blankets.
Must you hit every bump?
- Oh!
I make a million dollars a year.
Did you know that?
- No, you don't.
- Oh, yeah?
Then why do I have a ton of DVDs?
What's a DVD?
Ugh, your car smells like fried chicken.
No, I smell like fried chicken.
Can you breathe through your mouth?
Your nose is squeaky.
Wow, Calvin, what a great start.
But how would a pelican have
access to a freshwater fish?
(LAUGHS) Well, that's the joke!
Oh, so funny to murder
innocent water birds.
Uh, it died of natural causes,
I have a network of park ranger friends
who save dead animals for me.
So you're not a psychopath,
just a weirdo. Got it.
It's always sad when an animal dies,
but this pelican gets to
speak to the world as art.
I was inspired to make this
after Abe told me about
his time in the war.
His stories are so cool, but disturbing.
I will not sit here
and have you call my
father's stories cool!
They're meandering and endless.
I'm going to Moe's,
where people know what's boring.
And it's not just taxidermy,
Calvin's got a million creepy hobbies.
And my dad thinks they're all great.
When I was his age,
I was cleaning pool covers from below.
Yeah, going house to house
with my scrub brush and Speedo.
I stuck googly eyes on shells
and sold them at the beach.
Till my dad told me to knock it off
because people would
think I was a freak.
Yeah, my pop also told me to lay low.
Literally. We were gravediggers.
We took turns sleeping in open graves.
Heh. Nothin' builds character
like waking up to a coffin
being lowered on top of youse.
To unprocessed trauma.
- Hi, Lisa!
- She waved to us!
Our sleepover is a hit.
We have the room for one more weekend.
We're gonna be gift card thousand-aires.
No, Bart, we have to reinvest
in our next party.
We have to top ourselves.
I'm thinking face painters,
walk-around SpongeBob,
one of those pools you can surf in.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you chain-sucking lollypops?
Just need a little something
'cause I didn't sleep much last night.
I was pricing mashed potato stations.
Lisa, in the non-weekend world,
you have to have a bedtime.
I don't want to live in
the non-weekend world.
We've only got one more chance
to scrawl our names across
the slumber party sky.
I'll sleep when I'm nine.
Hmm? Hmm.
Look at me, I'm Calvin.
I'm little but I use big words.
Son, I know it's hard sharing a room
with someone so, uh, different than you.
But you've handled it
with grace and maturity.
Anyway, I just wanted to say
- I'm so proud of you Calvin.
Ooh, aah, dah!
I can't see a thing with
these glaucoma drops. (SIGHS)
HOMER: He thinks I'm Calvin.
Look at how he looks at him.
He never looked at me that way.
Are you okay, kid?
You seem kind of quiet.
I've never heard you say
you were proud of me.
Ever. In my entire life.
What are you talking about?
I say that to you all the time, Calvin.
I forgot.
Homer, you villain!
Do not harm that birdhouse.
The nuthatches did nothing to you!
What's wrong with you?
My dad kisses the butt you walk on.
I'd get it if you were great at sports,
or fixing cars,
or demolishing buildings,
but you're just a weird little kid.
And my dad hates weird little kids.
At least he sure hated me.
Homer, Abe doesn't hate you.
Oh, yeah? I'll show you.
We got ten minutes until
his eyedrops wear off.
(GRUNTS) You be me.
Dad, do you have a second?
Dang it, Homer.
Do you think I'm made of seconds?
I was in the middle of a very
important word find puzzle.
I was about to find the
longest diagonal of my career.
Now what do you want?!
Um, I-I
You, you, you nothing!
Wow, that was harsh.
Do you ever tell him
how he makes you feel?
Kinda. I stuck him in the worst
nursing home I could find.
Figured he'd read between the lines.
I think you need to find a new
way to express your feelings.
It might need to be
more than just words.
But my way with words be my
best moutha-ma-callits. Aw.
You'll figure out a way to
get through to your dad.
You just need to put on
your thinking cap.
Where have you been?
I had to get Band-Aids.
Lewis got stabbed with
a juice box straw.
Somebody fed the pony Pop
Rocks and he kicked out the TV.
His poop is popping!
The climbing wall collapsed
onto the Reptile Rodeo.
There's loose tails everywhere.
I tried to throw a party,
but the party threw me.
I'm putting a stop to this.
Are you sure?
You know what that will make you.
Hello? Yes, I'd like to blow the whistle
on an out-of-control party
at The Retirement Castle.
Oh, my name?
It's Lisa Simpson, party narc.
Well, the party's shut down,
kids are packing up their stuff.
Great. I'm sure they all hate me.
- Yeah, probably.
I gotta dump the churro
sugar out of my shoes.
- They've arrested Lisa!
She's paying the ultimate price
for throwing the ultimate party.
You're our hero, Lisa!
If you drive me home with the siren on,
we've got a freezer full of Snickers.
- Go, Lisa!
- Lisa, you're the best!
- You got this, Lisa!
Call your lawyer!
There's some really
inspiring work here tonight.
Yours is a blistering indictment
of American consumerism.
I love how the middle joey
is looking in the opposite direction,
as if imagining a different future.
Glad you got that.
I worried it was too subtle.
Oh, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Now, let's announce tonight's winners.
Hold on, there's one more entry!
A strange man with an object
hidden under a pillowcase?
Come on up! I want to see this.
I was told to find a
new way to communicate.
My stepbrother Calvin expresses
his feelings through taxidermy,
so I decided I would do the same.
That's not taxidermy, you idjit!
But it's very deep. And sad.
The small shell pleading with
its eyes to the larger one.
It is clearly about a son's
need for his father's approval.
What? It's just two smelly
shells glued on a board.
Abe, look at it. Really look at it.

(SNIFFLES) What these shells are saying,
is that how you feel?
You seem to love being a dad to Calvin,
but you hated being a dad to me. (SOBS)
No, son, no. See, when you were a kid,
being a dad felt like
the end of my youth.
But now with Calvin,
it's my last chance to feel young.
Oh, so what you're saying is
no matter how old you are,
it's only ever been about what you need.
You finally get me.
It wasn't because I was a bad kid.
You're just horribly flawed.
I am!
Another family saved by taxidermy.
All right, let's wrap things up.
We have 20 minutes before
this room is taken over
by the Massage Table Expo.
So, Blythe dumped me for a guy
she says is a better
spiritual match for her.
Also, he's super rich and can eat corn.
He's taking Calvin to
Africa to study animals
in their natural habitat.
I'll miss that little scamp,
but you know,
I'm glad you and I are
finally communicating.
I love you, son. Anyway, call me back.
- Your dad left you another message.
Eh, it's probably just a butt-dial.
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