The Simpsons s34e07 Episode Script

From Beer to Paternity


HOMER: Mmm, gravy.

Sorry, dear, I burnt the roast.
Again? (SIGHS)
Relax, Judy. Let Duffman help.
Ah. Forgiven.
- Thank you, Duffman.
- You're welcome, Judy.
Hey, you can do
at least one thing right.
Can't get enough of
that wonderful Duff. ♪
I'd like to pour
the world a beer ♪
And party heartily ♪
We'd like to make
that beer a Duff ♪
And drink till we can't see ♪
It's the beer thing. ♪
Let's turn this grunge to fun-ge!
'Cause I'm wanted ♪
For fun in the first degree ♪
Wanted. ♪
DUFFMAN: Ooh, yeah! Ha-ha!
- Those were the days, huh?
Well, those days may have
been the days back then,
but these days,
the days aren't those days anymore.
And, gentlemen, we can't be either.
Go ahead and harrumph,
but Duff needs a new message
and a new messenger,
so get a harrumph of this.
Attention, Duff Nation.
We need you to choose our new mascot
by voting in our first ever
Duff Election.
The candidates are:
Hops and Barley, lady brewologists
who don't even know they're pretty.
Woketopus, the most open-minded
mollusk on the block.
Dame Helen Mirren.
I'm sorry, what is this for?
ANNOUNCER: And I guess we're
open to keeping Duffman.
Vote today. Democracy needs you,
and so do we.
This is our moment.
Duffman needs us, and so do we.
They can't get rid of Duffman.
What's next, tear down the Oregon Trail?
Disintegrate the Lincoln Memorial?
Impeach Santy Claus?
I got a notebook full of examples here.
You said it. Duffman was there
when I had my first beer at 13,
and I want him to be there
when I have my last beer at 54.
Why is there a Duffman
sticker on my saxophone case?
My music teacher thinks
I have a problem.
We all have a problem.
Duffman might lose.
Everyone, everyone.
The latest numbers are in.
Aw, man, he's tied for last
place with some loser named
(HEAVY ACCENT): "No Mascot; Just Logo."
Oh, no.
Brandon, you're my agent.
Reassure Duffman.
D-Man, chill. You got this in the bag.
Hold on one second.
Woketopus, my cephalopod
from another mom bod.
You're gonna mop the floor with
that hip-thrusting has-been.
Still me, Brandon.
You have a great day.
Duffman needs to remind
people why they love Duffman.
They love him.
- Doo, bow, bow ♪
Dry T-shirts?
Not on my watch, ladies.
- Get out of here!
That was a blatant act
of tortious negligence.
Tortious negligee.
Oh, yeah. Ooh!
Hey, hey!
What is happening?
Not mine. Not mine. Mine
No, not mine. Oh!
I do think that this is me.
REPORTER: Hey, Duffman.
Rough week, brah.
Getting your can crushed in the polls,
and now you're getting
sued by 37 lady lawyers.
Duffman never meant to hurt or demean
any dames, broads, or chicks.
Two thrusts for gender equality.
- He's not sorry.
- He thinks we're idiots.
Let's denounce him at the Gal Dive.
No, no, please, please.
I can't be sexist because, because
I'm the father of a daughter.
And as the father of a daughter,
I could never, ever disrespect women.
(GRUNTS) It seems like every famous man
who gets himself in doo-doo
brings up that he has a daughter,
and I think that's doo-doo. I do.
(SCOFFS) Father of a daughter.
That's the lamest defense in the world,
but these days there's no way
anybody's gonna fall for it.
He's got a daughter?
- How bad can he be?
- What a role model.
- What?
- Oh.
Got a photo of your little princess?
Sure, sure, I have a picture of her
right here.
Wait, that's me.
Lisa is Duffman's daughter?
(GASPS) Marge,
did you sleep with Duffman?
- No.
- Why not?
He's lying.
That photo must be from one
of those sleazy beer events
you take the kids to,
even though you say you don't.
Duffman's using me as a prop?
You wish.
His prop is a Duff chick magnet.
There's got to be some explanation.
The explanation is he's a jerk,
and I hope he loses.
(GASPS) Lisa,
you wash your mouth out with beer.
I hope he loses, too. Beer, please.
Homer, you have to tell Duffman
that he's not allowed to use
our daughter as a
"get out of hot water free" card.
Oh, can't I just talk to him
at the next
"Duff Single Mom Twerk Olympics"?
I hope this is the right place.
Um, hi. My name is Homer Simpson.
(SIGHS) Duffman is off the clock
and does not have time for randos.
- Thanks a lot. Drink Duff.
Hey, are you gonna slam the door
on your own daughter?
Oh, Duffman is busted. Oh, boy.
You're a sexist and a phony.
How can you live with yourself?
All right, all right,
I'm sorry I fibbed.
I panicked. I pulled up a pic
from Dufftoberfest from a few years ago.
A few years ago was the best one.
Lisa's not your Lisa. She's my Lisa,
so the next time you're in trouble,
use a picture of some other guy's kid.
Thanks, Dad.
Sorry, I just
Oh, no. (SOBBING)
Are you okay, Mr. Duffman?
I am not. (SIGHS)
The thing is, I really
do have a daughter, okay?
Her name is Amber. She's named after
my favorite beverage color,
but now she's 30 years old,
and she won't talk to me.
Lisa, do you mind waiting
in the car for a moment?
Daddy needs to be strong
for his famous friend.
Of course.
Can I get a selfie of me
with you in your bathrobe?
Gah, your daughter
is so bright and confident.
She is.
So, you must've taught her so much.
I guess I did.
You must be the greatest
girl dad i-in the world.
I must be!
Maybe it's not too late for me, huh?
Could you teach me how to be a better
you know, girl dad?
- I will!
- Duffman thanks you.
And so do I. Come here.
Come on, Duffman.
Don't worry about losing your job.
We need to focus on how
you lost your daughter.
That's why I've
assembled this crack team
of daughter dads to help you out.
I think you'll find they're
the finest men around.
Welcome to P.F. Thong's.
You boys ready to order?
I will have the Lettuce D-Cups,
um, with a chicken side piece.
I will have the Wedgie Salad
and the Baby Got Back Ribs.
Oh, and, uh,
some Sprung Rolls for the table.
I don't have much of an appetite.
(CHUCKLES) See, I, well,
I haven't talked to my daughter
in years, and, um
Say no more.
I'll bring you a Dead Beet Salad
and a Coke Zero Contact.
So, if your estranged daughter
writes an angry book about you,
don't self-publish your rebuttal book.
Uh, thanks for all the advice, fellas.
(STAMMERS) I-It's just,
I haven't talked to Amber
in over a decade.
I-I don't even know where to begin.
You just got to show her you still care.
Pick up the damn phone. Call her.
GROUP: Call her! Call her! Call her!
Call her! Call her! Call her!
I'm on the phone with her now.
GROUP: Ignore us. Ignore us. Ignore us.
Amber, I was just wondering, um,
could I maybe drive up
there to see you sometime?
Uh, this weekend, maybe?
She said, "I guess."
No, not (CHEERS)
because what if I screw up?
What if Amber hates me? I
I need you to come with me, please.
A road trip with Duffman. Woo-hoo!
You, me, and Lisa.
Bonet? This trip
just keeps getting better.
No, no, no, your Lisa.
I need both my girl-dad guru
and his dad-girl-daughter
for inspiration.
Lisa! Lisa, you're coming
with me and Duffman
on a road trip to Glendon Falls.
What? (YAWNS)
- Why would I want to do that?
- Hmm.
Marge, why would Lisa want
to go to Glendon Falls
with me and Duffman?
Well, that's near
the Agatha Christie Museum
of Quirky Detectives.
Lisa likes Agatha Christie?
I love Agatha Christie,
and that museum is gonna be amazing.
Ah, I can't believe you remembered.
They're having a special
exhibit this weekend
on her ten reddest herrings.
Thank you. You're the best dad ever.
Aw, you don't have to thank me.
Do it later in front of Duffman.
Man, I can't believe I'm on
a road trip with my hero.
Wow, your little daughter's your hero?
That's so sweet.
And that's exactly who
I was referring to.
Oh, hey, we should put on
music that Lisa likes, huh?
Okay, Lisa likes jazz.
That's a thing I know.
Mm, I'm not in the mood
for jazz right now.
Let's listen to my second favorite.
Salsa? Old-school rap?
Traffic on the twos?
I like K-pop, Dad.
Wh Oh, uh, of course. I knew that.
(LAUGHS) It's fun to pretend
that you're clueless.
(CHUCKLES) Beautiful.
We are the lovesick girls ♪
Oh, yeah!
We are the lovesick girls. ♪
Dad, I don't need you to do that.
(LAUGHS) They always try to be older
than they are, don't they?
Oh, man, such good fathering.
Not like Duffman.
Would it help to talk about Amber?
She was the best thing
that ever happened to me.
But then I became Duffman,
and, well, you know what they say,
"With great pilsner
comes great infidelity."
Her mom left me when Amber was four.
And by the end of high school,
Amber hated me.
Said she never wanted
to talk to me again,
and I guess I just believed her.
Yes, believe women.
No, she was a kid. She didn't mean it.
Yes, believe Lisa.
I think about her every day, and I
I keep this drawing
with me wherever I go.
Aw, you need to tell her all of this.
I bet she's been waiting for
you to reach out for years.
Oh, Lisa, you are so sweet
and so wise.
Guh-reat job, Homer!
Homer, Homer!
LISA: Guess what.
They give you a real tea set to drop
when you walk in the drawing
room and find a dead body.
Brandon, what is up?
Seriously, like, uh, what's up?
Not your election numbers, Duff-bro.
They're dismal.
Look, you're near the
corporate mascot convention
at the Conventions.comventions
convention center.
It'd be a great chance
to drum up some support.
He'll do it, Brandon.
Duffman cannot lose this election.
But what about the museum?
There's plenty of time for both.
That's a proud papa pledge.
Hey-ya, Chief,
can I count on you for a
middle finger, okay.
Ooh, I bet this guy's
a registered Duffocrat.
Uh-oh, he flashed a gun. My goodness.
Anyone? Anyone want a selfie?
We could use my phone. I can Air
Drop it to you.
CONVENTION WORKER: In five minutes,
join us in Ballroom C
for a panel discussion.
The Charlie Tuna Conundrum
When the Mascot Is the Product.
Attention, everyone,
Duffman is sitting all
by himself in Hallway B.
Please just go say hi to him.
He really needs this. And, uh,
don't listen to this if you're him.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
Can I get your autograph pen?
I got to get a signature
from the Mucinex loogie.
He is so hot. (LAUGHS)
Losing to a loogie.
Dad, shouldn't we get going?
The museum closes at 5:00.
Don't worry, sweetie,
I'm keeping an eye on the time.
It's only 2:30.
(SCREAMS) That's not a real clock!
That's the mascot for Tea Time Tamales.
Oh, my God, no.
LISA: Wait! Wait!
No, don't close!
You can't close yet.
Mm, sorry, kid,
we're shutting down for three months
to build a new attraction.
LISA: Aw, nuts.
You got to stay open.
We drove all this way,
and I'm a second grader
who solves murders
on a sixth-grade level.
Well, look who I brought.
I can unlock a lot of
things for Duffman,
but not this museum.
Well, this calls
for some expert dadding.
Lisa, honey, tell Daddy what's wrong.
This is all your fault.
That's right.
- Let it out.
- Okay,
I am tired of you pretending
that you're some sort of
ideal dad when this whole trip
you've been kissing Duffman's cans.
See, I knew you wouldn't have any fun.
That's why I didn't think
you should come. Eh
(GASPS) You didn't
even want to bring me.
You were just using me
as some kind of girl-dad prop,
just like Duffman did.
Don't ever
talk to me
She'll get over this, right?
Mine did not.
Ready, handsome?
- You're leaving?
Duffman just realized that you
are not a good dad. Uh-uh.
I'm all yours Renata.
Fun name.
(ROLLING R): Renata.
what you reading there?
Come on, you got to say something.
Ooh, I can't handle
the silent treatment.
Don't leave me alone with my brain.
- I remember this one time
- Eyes on the road!
Oh, Duffman left
Amber's drawing in the car.
It's really a shame about them.
It is. (SIGHS) He really does love her,
you know.
Maybe, but Duffman should've
spent more time listening
to Amber instead of thinking
only about himself.
Well, maybe sometimes
Duffman's scared to listen
because he'll hear about all
the dumb stuff he screwed up.
Sure, but maybe
he should be brave enough
to admit he's not perfect.
Not even close to perfect.
I think we should take this to them.
Yeah. I hope they work things
out before it's too late.
Me, too, Dad.
That would be really great.
Good luck, buddy. I'm rooting for you.
Thank you, Evan, and good luck
with your MFA. Oh, yeah.
Okay, here we go.
Time to prove to your daughter
that you've changed.
Ah. Damn.
MAN: A little help, bro?
Dude, it's Duffman.
Join our rager!
Oh, yeah.
I mean, no, no. Not who I am anymore.
- Okay. (SIGHS)
I can't believe you're here
because I don't know you,
and I did not invite you.
Oh, what an odd thing to say.
Hi, I'm Homer, and this is Lisa.
We have something to give to your dad.
Yeah, well, I can't help you.
(SIGHS) He never showed.
(GASPS) I don't get it.
If I know Duffman, and I briefly did,
nothing was more important
to him than seeing you.
He was so excited.
Really? As excited as he was
to miss every dance recital,
every graduation, every art show?
No. More.
Your dad taught me the importance
of not taking my daughter's
love for granted.
Duffman's really changed.
Trust me, when you see him next,
you'll be amazed at how enlightened
and sensitive he's become.
DUFFMAN: Chicken fight!
Doo, bow, bow ♪
Come on, friend!
- What the crap?
No, Amber,
I was just about to knock on your door.
You have to believe me.
It's true. This whole chicken fight,
it felt like he was somewhere else.
I'm sorry, Colleen,
but if this teaches you anything,
it's that you should work on
your relationship with your dad.
(SCOFFS) I have a great
relationship with my dad.
I just also like bikinis
and parties, you jerk.
Duffman respects your journey.
Amber? Amber!
Ah, Amber
Hey, uh, pal Whoa, that's Duffman!
Amber, look out!
You saved me
So, the chick magnet is
also a daughter magnet,
I get it now.
All chicks are somebody's daughter.
- No. Uh-uh.
- Yeah, try again.
Some chicks are guys, and that's okay.
Mm Mm-mm.
- Hmm.
- It-It's okay, Dad.
B-Baby steps, I guess.
(LOUD WHISPER): Give her this now.
No way. I haven't seen this in ages.
I look at it every single day.
I miss you so much,
and I should've been there for you.
I'm so glad you're back in my life,
- and I really hope that
Ugh, seriously?
Duffman, amazing news.
- You won the election.
- Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah.
Some kid posted video
of you singing K-pop,
and their fan army voted
for you en freakin' masse.
I need you on the next plane to Korea.
Kim Jong-un wants to kidnap
you and make a movie together.
Oh, yeah!
Aw, you know what?
I think I have had enough
of that wonderful Duff.
What? You'll never work in
the adult beverage game again.
No beer, no hard seltzer, no kombucha.
Duff Nation, Duffman is here
to get you wrecked in
a whole new way as
- Puffman.
Come check out my daughter's
brand-new weed store
featuring her custom-made,
one of a kind,
glass bongs.
Oh, yeah. If any
of my other estranged daughters
are watching, hit me up.
Wait, your what?
DUFFMAN: I mean Oh, yeah!
Your tea service, Lord Thistlewink.
- ♪

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