1670 (2023) s01e05 Episode Script

1
[audience applauding]
[curtains screeching]
- [rooster crows]
- [maracas rustling]
[playing upbeat acoustic music]
[rhythmic pulse of drums plays along]
[in Polish]
Spare some money for art today ♪
It's pure joy, so have it your way ♪
And if you don't have a coin, my dear
Look behind your ♪
[mandolin solo playing]
[woman, in English]
Well, he's no singer, for sure.
- [in Polish] ♪ear! ♪
- [audience applauds]
- [in English] Hey, give it to me.
- I beg your pardon?
The gold coin you stole
from behind our peasant's ear is mine.
Father, no. It is merely
[blows]
- a trick.
- A trick?
Just like the Swedish Deluge
was supposed to be a trick? Give it back.
- [singer sighs]
- That's very sneaky of you.
If anyone else has a gold coin
behind their ears, declare it now.
And you and your wife better get out
of here. This is private property.
- Father? I don't think this is his wife.
- [kisses]
- [mysterious music playing]
- Wait a minute. A guy with a mandolin.
A man dressed as a woman.
[cow moos]
- [Jakub] A jester.
- [jester grunting]
[Jakub] A woman
who has her hair uncovered.
- All that's missing is
- [woman laughing]
[music intensifies]
Oh, no.
A touring theater troupe.
TYMF THEATER
[sublime classical music playing]
[music stops]
The three things I hate most
in the whole world.
Reformation, Judas,
and touring theater troupes.
So many distractions luring people away
from their faith nowadays.
Theater is one of them.
- I could easily name many more, though.
- [coin clinks]
Well, I love touring theater troupes.
Those people get to
travel around the world
and get to experience all
kinds of exciting things.
Mass has all kinds of exciting things too.
And theater's just a strangely dressed guy
telling tall tales
to a group of people for an hour.
So, how is that different from mass?
[footsteps distancing]
James and Anne have been married
for seven years now,
but they don't have any offspring.
[Jan Paweł] Oh.
- What does King Charles think of that?
- [singer] I don't know.
[munching] But the word is
that he hasn't spoken to Anne
since their vacation in Wales.
[Jan Paweł, Bogdan] Ooh!
[laughing] I just love hearing stories
about the English royal family.
Mm, yeah, I guess.
But, maybe, you could tell us some things
about social events?
- Social events?
- [Aniela] Mm-hmm.
Uh Well, when it comes to England,
I don't know. Mm
Oh! They had the plague there
about four years ago.
[somber music playing]
The plague?
[singer] Yes.
Tens of thousands of people perished.
And were any victims
of this plague Polish?
[singer] We left our porter there.
[Bogdan] Mm.
[Aniela] Oh my God.
Dad? Are you alright?
Dad?
[music grows funereal]
[Aniela, echoes] Dad?
Breaking news from England.
[fire crackling]
I found out that, four years ago,
the plague made its way through London.
Which was God's way to punish them
for inventing the telescope to spy on him.
Whenever I hear a story like that,
it reminds me
that I'm not going to live forever.
Memento mori.
That's my favorite motivational saying.
[chuckles]
Death is simply an unavoidable part
of modern life.
[drunkenly] Acorns!
Mieczysław, my friend, you've had it!
[laughs rudely]
[thuds]
[Jan Paweł] In the last decade,
Poland's population has dwindled
to a third of what it was.
Mieczysław?
The Grim Reaper hasn't spared us, either.
We have three children now,
but we had three others that died.
- What do you mean, three? It was four.
- [music stops]
Was it four?
Marysieńka, Kacperek, and Eustachy.
[Zofia] And Gabryś?
Ah, Gabryś.
You're right. That makes it four.
Wow, that's even worse.
[whispers] Although,
it strengthens my argument.
- [lively folk music playing]
- [man] Hey, for fu Franek!
- [man 2] What?
- [cow moos]
- [chickens clucking]
- [water trickling]
- [indistinct chattering]
- [horse neighs]
[goat bleats]
- [blade rasps]
- [music becomes tense]
[blade whooshes]
[cow mooing]
[Maciej] Wojciech.
Wojciech? What are you doing?
I was supposed to help
the theater troupe set up,
but then I had an overwhelming urge
to rebel against our oppressors.
- [music stops]
- [chickens clucking]
Sounds silly, now that I said it out loud.
What are you up to?
Um, I was gonna feed the horses.
- [horse1 nickers]
- [horse 2 neighs]
- [horses neigh]
- [indistinct playful laughter]
Actually, would you like
to trade chores with me?
How come?
Well, because I'm trying to avoid
one of the horses.
Ah
If it makes you feel any better,
I hate one of the geese.
TYMPF THEATER
[singer] Ah. Bella!
- [merry folk music playing]
- Put it over there.
Good afternoon. I heard
that you might need some help.
Sure. We can always use help.
What's your name?
- Maciej.
- My name is Simon.
- That's Ivonne.
- [Ivonne] Ciao!
- Maris, Marco, Natan, and Bożena.
- [all greeting]
- Hi.
- Good to meet you all.
Um, so what kind
of work do you want me to do?
Maciej, the theater's not a job, you know.
The theater is a calling.
You'll fall in love with it, you'll see.
Same way girls fall for jugglers.
What? [laughs shyly]
What do you mean "what"? Don't you know
that wenches can't resist jugglers?
- [exclaims]
- [distant squealing]
[Simon laughs]
[women squealing hysterically]
[squealing continues]
[Ivonne] So, shall we?
Sure. After all, it's Sunday.
It's Wednesday.
Are you trying to convince me, or not?
[water gurgling]
- [tense music playing]
- [creature growling]
[music crescendos, stops]
You're making so much noise,
I can't hear the fish.
What are you
ne'er-do-wells up to here, huh?
We're not up to anything, my lord.
[Bogdan] Oh, yeah? I can see
you're eating something with your son.
And yet, you offer me nothing.
A noble defender
of our great Polish realm goes hungry.
You think that's nice?
What's that you're hiding
behind your back, you swine?
Nothing.
[Bogdan] Nothing?
Give it here.
Oh!
Edible mushrooms.
I just love eating edible things.
- [crunching]
- Be careful, my lord.
[munching] Why?
Are you threatening me, you rapscallion?
[Ivonne] No,
it's just that those mushrooms
You just shouldn't have too many.
And who are you to tell an infantryman
what he can and cannot do?
[horse neighs in the distance]
He's gonna have one hell of a Wednesday.
[horse neighs]
[splatters]
[chewing intensely]
[Jan Paweł] Anielka.
You're so beautiful.
- Dad, you don't have the plague.
- You don't know that.
- Pretty sure I'm right.
- [sighs]
I have this stabbing pain. [whines]
All right, Dad. Where is it?
I don't know.
[inhales] All over my body.
Probably because it's advancing quickly.
Plague doesn't cause stabbing pain.
- [Jan Paweł] Well, what does happen?
- I don't know. You cough and then you die.
[sighs impatiently]
[Jan Paweł coughs loudly]
[inhales, coughs loudly]
You start coughing up blood, Dad?
[exhales] Maybe I don't have
any more blood because of the plague.
The plague happened four years ago,
and it was in London.
How could you possibly have gotten it?
Well, I didn't wear my hat outside,
so now I'm in for it.
And the devil never sleeps.
Right.
[inhales shakily] I'm summoning the medic.
[Aniela inhales, sighs]
I'm afraid I have some bad news.
It's possible that a serious disease
has appeared in our village.
Left-handedness?
No, the lefty was expelled
from the village immediately,
so the evil didn't spread.
A round of applause for you
for taking swift action.
- [all applaud politely]
- [villager whoops softly]
Here's the thing.
- The plague might be upon us.
- [villagers gasp]
Well, it's a good thing the Lord is
our protector and savior.
Just remember, that may not be enough.
So what? Are you saying
divine providence might not be enough?
Well, this would be an epidemic,
a huge amount of sick people.
Public divine providence
might not be quite enough.
That's why I'd like to encourage you all
to subscribe
to private divine providence services.
Wait a sec.
Can't our patron saints help us out?
[villagers agreeing]
Patron saints cover
only a very basic providence package.
Of course, Saint Isidore
can help you heal up your broken limbs,
but how can a simple saint like him
cure something like the plague?
So I'll be collecting payments
this afternoon.
[cloak billows]
[rooster crowing,
mimicking a wailing siren]
MEDIC
[rooster continues crowing]
[Jan Paweł] A medic has come
to Adamczycha. He is my very last hope.
If I am to become
the most famous Jan Paweł in history
it would help if I were alive.
- [medicine chest clattering]
- "I'm alive, therefore I am."
René Descartes.
[medic] Please say, "Ah."
[Jan Paweł] Ah.
- [footsteps receding]
- That's all?
How long before I get the results?
You don't have the plague.
[Jan Paweł] Really?
[relievedly] Oh my God!
[inhales] Yes! Yes! [shouts] Yes!
- [echoes]
- [frogs croaking]
- [sheep bleating]
- [suspenseful music playing]
How can you trust a juggler, huh?
Those two weirdos warned me
about eating the shrooms,
but I feel absolutely fine.
Better than ever.
My eyesight is sharp.
My body is nimble.
And on top of that,
my father, the sultan Mehmed IV,
has just handed the reins
to the Ottoman Empire over to me.
Once again,
thank you, dear Father.
- I won't fail you.
- [concluding chords play]
Oh, alas, that love
Whose view is muffled still
Should without eyes
See pathways to his will!
[actor wailing]
- [Simon] Maciej.
- Yeah?
- Take it.
- You want me to take this somewhere?
- No, I want you to take it and play it.
- Play it? Me?
Yes. We lost our sound engineer.
He was also our sword swallower.
- That's another story.
- I see.
But I don't know how to play or
or anything, so, I mean
Hey, come on, it's easy.
Whenever somebody dies onstage,
just do this.
[drums play the sting]
[Simon] Here. Try it.
[actor] Here. Stand this way.
There's better light.
- No, I can't do it.
- [grunts] Maciej [coughs]
[grunting, coughing]
[spitting, grunting]
Blood, blood, blood! Oh!
- [chickens clucking]
- [sheep bleating]
[drums play the sting]
- [Simon] Bravo, Maciej. [laughs]
- [Bożena] That's great.
- [cow moos]
- [laughs softly]
Because I care deeply about my health,
I've made sure to get a second opinion.
Luckily, I convinced the medic
to stay a bit longer,
and he gave me another one.
- [wet slap]
- [grunts]
One of the main symptoms of the plague is
enlarged lymph nodes near the abdomen.
Enlarged what?
Large round bulbs in the crotch area.
You don't have that.
[sighs] Are you sure about that?
What about these?
They're your testicles.
I knew that.
I just wanted to make sure you did.
I have two. Is that good?
[medic] Yeah.
- Does Andrzej have more than two?
- I don't think so.
- Jan Paweł, you don't have the plague.
- Mm. You're right.
And the plague is not actually
what you should be worrying about now.
I know. It's the Swedes.
[snorts, spits]
I was talking about other ailments,
like heart disease. Do you smoke?
A pipe, once a week.
- Not enough.
- Yes, I know, but it makes my throat sore.
Soreness or not,
the smoke is wonderful for your organs.
It warms everything up down there.
The guts just love it.
I won't bore you with medical terminology.
It's just important that you smoke.
When Zofia was pregnant,
I was really motivated.
I had to make sure she smoked as well.
And then, it
Oh, there's one more thing.
- You're becoming obese.
- Thank you.
It makes you look attractive,
but it's not good for you.
Huh. I think you're just jealous
because you look like a dried date.
Jan Paweł, you paid me
for my medical advice.
[Jan Paweł] Yes. Well, let's face it.
You just can't stand that I'm like a bear,
and you're like a desiccated weasel.
[Izaak] Of of course, Bogdan.
I'd be delighted to become your mufti.
Um, I just have a couple of doubts
about it. The first one is uh uh
Th th that I think that Well, I
I just don't know that I'm mufti material.
Uh, you know, with my physique
and my personality, and so on.
[goat bleats]
And the other doubt
I don't know what a mufti is.
You shall be my mufti.
[Izaak] Yes. I I understand that part,
but I'm still not sure because I
My dear father
[goat bleats]
[Bogdan]Mehmed IV, has decided.
I must assemble my court,
and conquer the Bulwark of Europe.
Family pressure.
Believe me, I understand all too well.
Your parents tell you over and over,
"Conquer the Bulwark of Europe." [scoffs]
The same way I heard mine tell me,
"Be a good Jew, Izaak!"
- Easier said than done. [scoffs]
- You are my mufti.
[folk music playing]
[goat bleats]
[Izaak] You know what, Bogdan?
You are also my mufti.
[laughs nervously]
What a wonderful conversation.
- [wagon creaking]
- [chickens clucking]
Doctor Weasel told me that,
if I wanna live longer,
I should start running.
So I'm gonna start running right now.
An hour or two every day.
I'll just finish this.
[gulps]
And off I go. I'll see you in two hours.
[panting loudly]
[exhausted groaning]
[groans loudly] Ow!
Ow! Fuck this, I'm done!
[Simon] The audience likes
what they've seen so far.
We've brought them Shakespeare's universe.
That's why we've decided to put on a show
with so many intense tragedies that,
in order to get over them,
Hamlet, Macbeth, Othello, Prospero,
Romeo and Juliet
have to join forces to fight.
We're calling it
The Vengeance Cycles.
SHAKESPEARE'S UNIVERSE
THE VENGEANCE CYCLES
And thus, I die.
[drums play the sting]
[audience applauds politely]
Meh. I thought the book was better.
A night in the stocks.
[sighs softly] I hate it
when people say that kind of thing.
- [cow moos in the distance]
- [music box plays a cheerful melody]
PAID ANNOUNCEMEN
This is a paid announcement.
Oh, my! [gasps] I feel unwell.
Oh, poor guy. It's too bad.
[curious music playing]
Oh. Are you unwell?
Try our Calvary Herbal Supplement.
Oh! I feel much better!
How is he feeling better?
He was unwell just a moment ago.
I was unwell, but I drank
some Calvary Herbal Supplement,
and now I feel much better!
[wheels squealing]
Calvary Herbal Supplement.
Drink some, and you won't die.
[goat bleats]
- [Jan Paweł] Oh.
- [audience applauding politely]
[mailman] Lady Zofia? A letter for you.
- [Zofia] Mm.
- [mysterious music playing]
- Thank you. Thank you very much.
- Here you are.
I love the theater, except I love knowing
what my mom's scheming more than anything.
Come on up, now.
Theater can't save you from death.
- [coins clink]
- And the devil never sleeps.
[woman] How can we be sure
that we'll be safe once we pay?
That's easy.
I was the very first one
to purchase this service.
Have you seen anything bad happen to me?
- [loud clang]
- [peasants gasp in shock]
[Jakub thuds]
A crusader!
- [man 1] Oh, okay.
- [villagers] Oh.
[villagers in commotion]
- [man 2] Get out of my way.
- [woman 1] Let me in there.
[man 3] Oh, it's nice.
ESTEEMED LADY ZOFIA ADAMCZEWSKA
- [door creaks]
- [mysterious music playing]
- [Bogdan] Aniela?
- [scary tone plays]
Uh, hi! Hello, Uncle.
I was just
looking for my dad.
And I am the Sultan of the Ottoman Empire.
[inhales, sighs] All right.
You got me, Uncle.
[Zofia] What are you doing
in my bedchamber?
- [odd music playing]
- [gasps]
Nothing. [chuckles tensely]
We were just joking around.
[laughs nervously]
And I am the Sultan of the Ottoman Empire.
[laughs loudly and nervously]
[Zofia starts laughing]
[laughs along, madly]
- There's nothing like family.
- [paper rustles]
[continues laughing]
- [footsteps distancing]
- [gentle acoustic music plays]
Well, that was sneaky.
[dramatic music playing]
I am dying, for I was vain, my daughter!
It is painful to admit that.
Anyone who does not learn this lesson
shall never become king.
[Jan Paweł snorts and laughs rudely]
What an idiot! He's just like Andrzej.
[laughs]
[audience applauds]
- [loud thud]
- [cat howls]
[magical tone plays]
[all gasp]
- [Bogdan] People of Adamczycha!
- [tense music playing]
You shall bow before me, your new Sultan!
[music fades]
[awkward silence descends]
[goat bleats]
It's lucky that Bogdan's here
to save the day,
even though he sleeps in a barn,
and can barely dress himself.
- [drums play the sting]
- [audience applauds and laughs]
[laughing hysterically]
[Bogdan retching, vomiting]
[Ivonne] I'm so happy you came
to say hello.
Because, even though I was on stage,
I could see it in your eyes.
- [indistinct chattering and laughing]
- Your passion, it's intoxicating.
[cheerful folk music playing]
[man] Oh, look at these
dancing people over here.
Maciej.
[man] We should do some dancing too.
That'd be great.
[Simon] You saved the show.
That sound, "ba-dum-tss,"
works much better
after a joke than a death.
[laughs]
[Simon] You're a natural.
- Just beginner's luck.
- [Simon] No, no, no.
Our shows can be kind of explosive.
You know what a small-town audience
is like. At any moment,
you could face dogs, drunks, pogroms
but you can handle all of it.
We could use you, Maciej.
That's really nice,
but I'm the blacksmith's helper here.
Wait a minute. You help the blacksmith?
Huh. So you're telling me that,
if all goes according to plan,
you'll have a chance
to become a blacksmith
in about ten years from now? Hm.
[Marco] Simon!
Come play with us. We're waiting for you.
[Simon] Arrivo!
All right. In two weeks,
we're headed back this way
to some nearby villages.
That'll give you some time to think
about whether your future's here or not.
[coin clinking]
- [cheerful folk music continues]
- [indistinct chattering and laughing]
[chuckles]
[fire crackling]
Wait. So first, he was unwell?
- Yeah.
- [Bogdan] And then
[Aniela] Dad, it was a commercial.
Well, it saved my life.
- I'll live forever now. Until I'm 50!
- It's a lie and you fell for it.
A lie? [laughs]
A lie, she says.
This morning,
I couldn't have crushed this goblet.
And now
[swallows]
after drinking the
Calvary Herbal Supplement
[inhales sharply, strains]
[inhales]
[straining harder]
[exhales forcefully]
I feel much better.
Simon was right.
- [pensive music playing]
- I've grown to love the theater.
The troupe doesn't care
if you're a peasant or a magnate's son.
And why would they?
When you get on stage,
you can be whoever you want to be,
and you can live any life that you want
[sniffles, sighs]
[emotionally]and not just the life
that fate dealt you.
- [distant howling]
- [disturbing music playing]
- [fire crackling]
- [crows cawing]
[music intensifies]
[flies buzzing]
[knocking]
[door locks clicking]
- [loud dragging]
- [lock turns]
[door creaking]
[Maciej] Hi. Question. [breathes heavily]
What's the punishment for running away?
[music crescendos, stops]
[electronic rendition
of folk music playing]
[lute music playing]
[dramatic classical music playing]
[disturbing music playing]
[mellow folk music playing]
[merry classical music playing]
[lute music playing]