1670 (2023) s01e04 Episode Script

Equality March

[rhythmic drum music playing]
[curtains screech]
[screaming frantically]
[exciting music playing]
[Maciej] I told Bogdan
that Tatars were storming Warka.
It's at least 24 hours round trip.
So I have the smithy to myself
while he's gone.
[screams strenuously]
[screams fading]
[high-pitched, loud panting]
[Maciej] I have to think of a new scheme
because I'm running out of town names.
[high-pitched, loud panting]
Hm. [chuckles lightly]
[sublime classical music playing]
[music stops]
[clock ticking]
[rock guitar riff plays]
[church bell ringing]
The mourning period
for my brother is over.
[loud clanging]
- [Stanisław] Yah!
- [horse neighs]
- [Zofia] Jakub!
- [odd music playing]
Stanisław's only been gone 72 hours.
You're right.
He's just run away. It's too soon.
He'll be back any minute
once he's calmed down.
[paintings clattering]
[Jakub] Stazcek's disappearance
made us all so very sad.
It also reopened
the never-ending discussion
of who will inherit the throne.
It comes down to me and Aniela.
But that silly girl
doesn't stand a chance in hell.
[thunder booms, rumbles]
[muffled cheering]
[Jakub] Aniela's obviously obsessed
with that simple peasant.
She could get banished
for being so stupid.
That's why I'm gonna play Cupid.
I'm a poet, and I didn't know it.
[sighs in awe] Nice one.
- [frogs croaking]
- [water burbling]
[rooster crowing]
A.D. 1670
Welcome to our annual infidel census.
Poland is a tolerant country.
You are free to practice whatever form
of deviant religion you choose,
but it is my duty to inform all of you
that you'll burn
in the depths of hell if you choose wrong.
We'll start with you, innkeeper.
I'm a follower of the Jewish faith,
just like last year. [chuckles]
And just like last year, I'm disappointed
to see you still wearing those curls.
You're excused.
[sighs] Who's next?
- Who the hell are you?
- My name's Maciej. I work for you.
The blacksmith's apprentice.
We've met already.
And your religion?
- I'm Orthodox.
- Hmm.
I have a new system.
It's a frowny face if you follow Shabbat,
and a pouty face for Orthodox.
I see no difference.
It's quite distinct. This is a Jew.
[mockingly] "I'm sad
because I'm living a lie."
This is an Orthodox.
[mockingly] "I don't want your religion.
I want to live a lie.'"
- [chuckles] It's all in the eyebrows.
- Oh, the brilliance of this boy.
All right. Next peasant.
Who do you worship?
- I don't have a religion, sir.
- You don't?
I've tried to develop
my metaphysical side, my lord,
but it's never really worked out for me.
I hope that won't be a problem.
Burn, atheist! Burn!
- [peasants murmur agitatedly]
- Huh.
Uh, perhaps I could try to find a religion
for next year, if it's a problem.
No. [chuckles] It's a free country,
but we'll be forced
to put you to death for your beliefs.
Atheists are marked
with a skull and crossbones.
[atheist peasant] I was confused.
There's been a mistake.
- On your part?
- Yes, sir. I'm not an atheist.
You're just changing your statement
because it'll get you burned at the stake.
I was nervous. What I meant was
that my beliefs run deep.
What are these beliefs of yours?
[breathes heavily] The, um
[crows cawing]
The Brown-Hatter.
Hm. The Brown-Hatter, huh?
And what does this Brown-Hatter teach you?
He teaches us that
we should wear hats.
And what does your deity promise
for the afterlife?
After death, if we have lived a good life,
we will be rewarded
with lots of spuds.
[all mumble in approval]
Mm. And the sinners?
- [peasants shouting indistinctly]
- [splashes]
In the mud and no spuds.
[all gasping and chattering]
Enough. No more spreading
your heathen beliefs.
I think we can let this one slide.
It's small potatoes.
Very clever, Father.
And besides,
I've always wanted to draw a fedora.
[pen squeaking]
- Go in peace. [chuckles]
- [Regina whispers] Albert!
[softly] That Brown-Hatter stuff
and the potatoes
It was beautiful.
What's your pronoun?
[bright classical music playing]
- [Aniela] Marianna, have you seen my dad?
- No.
[Zofia] Marianna!
Have you seen Jan Paweł?
- [door creaks]
- [Zofia] Has Stazcek come home?
[chickens cluck]
I'm avoiding my wife and daughter,
because there's a March for Equality
scheduled for tomorrow.
It's a ceremonial procession
that brings together all of our infidels.
- There's only one problem.
- Dad needs to approve the parade permit.
Surely you meant to say
that he must deny it.
Our opinions differ, Mother,
but he must say yes to the march.
He must say a hard no.
Why are you acting so immature?
No means no, Aniela.
But this needs a yes.
- [knocking on door]
- [door creaking]
[chicken clucking in distress]
[Jan Paweł] Come on in, Andrzej.
Make yourself at barn.
- [mysterious music playing]
- [horse snorts]
[Jan Paweł] My only hope
to solve my dilemma is
this old fart, Andrzej.
If he is the first one to veto the march,
I won't be forced to choose
between Zofia and Aniela.
[chickens clucking]
I just can't let on
that I care about this equality crap.
[gladly] Luckily, I'm a cunning man.
Andrzej, we both know
we don't have much in common,
which is why I want to start
with something light, of no importance.
I'm wondering if you've decided
to approve the infidel parade.
- What's your decision?
- About what?
- Are you gonna support them?
- Support what?
The March for Equality.
Is someone having a march?
- Don't play dumb. You brought it up first.
- I guess I forgot.
So many bigger issues to deal with.
I've barely given it a second thought.
[laughs awkwardly]
It's your call.
We both need to make a decision
since we each own half the village,
don't we?
Except your half's bigger than mine.
[groans softly]
[groans louder]
[horse groans]
All right, then.
Let it be.
Equality March is on.
- [chickens clucking]
- [horse neighing]
Leave my barn, now
little man.
- [music builds]
- The pastry comes with.
[metallic scraping, clang]
The pastry stays.
[daringly] Mmm.
- [horse nickers]
- [chickens cluck]
[sighs deeply]
- So not cool.
- [music stops]
I said yes to the march
because I'm a tolerant person.
- Thank you, dear.
- [bright classical music playing]
I strongly believe
each person has the right
to express themselves.
And especially if exercising that right
means causing problems for Jan Paweł.
Want a treat?
[mischievous music playing]
[groans] I went on patrol to make sure
that no foreigners were squatting
in our woods.
Now, I'm not a racist,
but I don't like other
Poles are just such superior beings.
And Lithuanians. They're pretty good too.
- [birds singing]
- [footsteps crunching snow]
A perfect scenario for today
would be running into a real Muscovite
and starting the Great Patriot war.
We'd conquer enemy territory,
and I'd no longer be a landless noble.
[sighs] Although finding a starling's egg
is pretty sweet too.
- [eggshell cracks]
- [branch cracks]
[eerie tone plays]
- Hello?
- [branches cracking]
Who's there?
[branch cracks once again]
- I can hear you!
- [eerie tone plays]
- [thuds]
- Hey!
- [menacing music playing]
- Who are you? Germans?
[man 1, in Tatar] Will he do?
He looks meager.
[man 2, in Tatar] It is what it is.
Let's get him!
- Bash-bash!
- [man 1] Bash-bash!
- I'm not going for any bash-bash.
- [man 2] Bash-bash.
"Bash-bash" is a well-known
Tatar expression for raid
and taking prisoners to sell
for ransom or to use as slaves.
- [Tatar men] Bash-bash!
- These are Tatars, and this is bash-bash.
- [man 1] Bash-bash!
- [Bogdan screams]
- [pleasant music playing]
- [indistinct chattering]
- Oh. Thank you so much.
- Enough, Izaak.
[sets box down]
I came for the wine.
- What wine, Father?
- For the altar?
This one's a real jester.
What do you want?
Do I have to want something?
Aniela, have I ever told you
you have beautiful breasts?
And hips.
Uh, maybe you would've noticed
if it weren't all hidden
underneath that flowy smock.
Believe me. I know. [laughs]
Why are you being so annoying?
[Jakub] What? Is it a sin
to tell one's own sister that she's hot?
[exclaims] Forgive me.
I've sinned. I'm absolved.
Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.
If you'll excuse me, Father.
I need to get these delivered.
Look at that. The man said he had to go,
and off he went.
Decisive and true to his word.
Oof. Macho and sexy.
Celibacy is getting to you, brother.
[sinister bell chimes]
Youth today know nothing about lust.
A buddy of mine would get all hot
under the collar
at the sight of a woman's calf,
and take her straight to his cot.
Greatest vicar I've ever known.
Jan Paweł!
Jan Paweł, has a decision been made
to grant the Equality march?
Oh, Izaak
- I'm so mad, I can't talk about it.
- [saber rasps]
Please, use your words.
I'm afraid that the parade route is
under construction.
You won't be able to have your march.
The road is closed to traffic
for the rest of the day.
I was told that Bolesław the Wrymouth
may be buried somewhere under here.
We're excavating to see if we
find any important remains.
[sighs indignantly, chuckles]
That Wrymouth
A lousy ruler,
and even lousier corpse.
This is very unfortunate, indeed.
Yes, I was looking forward
to the big parade.
Well, I hope the rumors blaming you
for the fiasco die down quickly.
- [chickens cluck]
- [goat bleats]
- Blaming me?
- Of course.
I've been telling my brothers in faith
that it was set in stone
once Andrzej had approved.
After Jan Paweł the Enlightened
convinced him.
[laughs nervously]
[goat bleats]
- But it's Wrymouth.
- Yes. Only you know what folks are like.
They hear a bell,
but can't tell from which synagogue.
Two versions of the story later
and all anyone will be talking about
is how Jan Paweł the Wrymouth
canceled the march.
[inciting music playing]
[Jan Paweł] Fine.
Fill the hole back up!
Chop, chop, chop, chop,
chop, chop, chop, chop, chop!
[chickens clucking]
[laughs, sighs]
- [shovel scrapes]
- [dirt patters]
[music stops]
[slow drum music playing]
[prisoner 1 moaning and groaning in fear]
- [apple crunches]
- [Bogdan] Mmm.
- [prisoner 1 screaming in pain]
- [munching] People say traveling educates.
It's the same with being kidnapped.
Personally, being held captive
has shown me that Tatars aren't as bad
as latrine graffiti said.
Woah! Can Can I just finish my apple?
Whoa! [groaning and grunting]
[merry folk music playing]
[peasants laughing]
[laughter continues]
- [feedback squeals]
- Oh, gentlemen!
I just wanted to say
that you might wanna start trying
to find yourselves a date for the wedding.
[all laugh loudly]
- [peasant 1] Who's getting married?
- It's my sister.
[peasants agreeing]
She's so keen on marrying a magnate's son,
that she ordered us to plan her wedding.
Go, girl! [laughs]
[peasant 2] Did he say
she's marrying a magnate?
[peasant 3] Who'd be stupid enough
to marry that girl?
- Her balls are bigger than mine!
- [water splashes]
[dramatic music playing]
Deadly sin number four,
but also a powerful aphrodisiac.
- Hi. [panting]
- [music stops]
I have some good news.
Dad said yes to the march.
- [exhales contently]
- Mm-hmm.
- [Aniela] Aren't you happy about it?
- [fire hissing]
So that's what's important right now, huh?
Of course.
[fire hissing]
I thought you might be too busy attending
to your big announcement.
[tong clatters]
- What big announcement?
- [scoffs softly]
- The one where you
- [fire hisses]
dump the lowly serf,
and keep the royal bloodline intact
[sniffs softly]
[cliques tongue]
by marrying the son of some magnate.
That kind of announcement.
[chuckles confusedly]
What the hell are you talking about?
[tong clangs]
[Maciej takes a deep breath]
Pardon me, my lady.
I forgot I was speaking to a noble.
No, you're speaking to an equal.
That should be enough
to not behave like this.
You idiot.
[fire crackling]
[whimsical music playing]
[doorbell chimes]
Come in. Come in. Come in.
We're at a temporary housing facility
for Tatar prisoners.
I'm giving the vibe here
at least five stars.
- This guy in the hoodie, that's Nameless.
- [Nameless screams, muffled]
- Waive to our guests.
- [Nameless groans, muffled]
This is Szczepan,
the youngest of our bunch.
And this is Bones.
[hissing, screeching]
He's a bit of a stiff. [laughs]
The Tatars keep us captive here,
but who would wanna leave
with so much square footage?
Now follow closely and I'll show
you where the real magic happens.
[exclaiming contentedly]
Can you believe my luck?
This is twice as big as my previous stall,
with the same number of rats,
and much tastier rats at that.
- [whimsical music continues]
- [laughs]
Well, I'm starting
to like these guys more and more.
- Tatars are cool.
- [fire crackling]
And I'm hating on the Swedes
more every day.
Stockholm syndrome, I guess.
[mysterious music playing]
[sighs deeply]
[Jakub] Operation Misalliance is
heading into the climax zone.
- [bell tolls]
- [splashes]
[mug clatters]
[fire crackling]
[Jan Paweł sighs]
Your mother won't let me in anyway
because I approved to the march.
Father, the discomfort you're feeling
is a testament to your troth.
What you're about to see
is gonna break your heart,
but you can't turn away from it.
- [John Paul scoffs]
- [door creaks]
[door creaks, closes]
[chickens clucking]
[woman giggling]
[man sighs lustfully]
Can we do it the normal way tonight?
[sighs] What do you mean?
This is the new normal. [laughs]
- [romantic music playing]
- [woman sighs seductively, moans]
What brings you
to my doorstep at this hour, my lord?
It's late, isn't it?
Be praised, my honorable Countess.
I've come to humble myself at your feet.
Although I have
over 300 pear trees ripe
for the picking in my latifundium,
I only want to pluck the bounty
from your bush, my Countess.
[man and woman sigh lustfully]
- [whispers] What am I watching?
- [whispers] No idea.
[moans] Oh! My lord,
my patience has run out.
- I can wait no more!
- [whip cracks]
Bend over this second!
- [chicken clucks]
- [woman sighs]
[gasps, moans]
- [whip cracking]
- [both moan] Ah!
Don't tell my uncle, I beg of you,
because my uncle is
Margrave of Lower Lorraine!
- [whip cracking]
- [moaning] Ah! Oh!
[woman moaning]
[whispers] This freak show
is not breaking my heart.
But that very bad actor just mentioned
that his uncle is
the Margrave of Lower Lorraine.
[man and woman moaning] Oh! Oh!
[whispers] Father, I think he's lying.
[whispers] Of course he is.
So she won't punish him for the fruit.
- Now be quiet, and let me watch.
- [man, lustfully] My sweet!
- [whip cracking]
- [both] Oh! Ah!
- [melancholy music playing]
- [fire crackling]
- [ember clatters]
- [fire sizzles]
- [dolls clatter, thud]
- [sighs in frustration]
- [melancholy music continues]
- [indistinct laughing and chattering]
[music transitions
into a slow violin solo]
You want another?
I don't know.
Wanna talk about it?
- Men, huh?
- [Aniela scoffs]
They're a waste of breath.
- [man] Hey! How long do I have to wait?
- [inn caretaker] Ula!
[breathes deeply, sniffles]
I'll see you at the march soon?
[Ula] Oh
I thought the whole thing was canceled.
[glass shatters]
- [angrily] Why did you cancel the march?
- [sighs knowingly]
Aniela we have bigger things to tend to.
[fire crackling]
It's about Lord Bogdan.
He was captured by Tatars.
They left an arrow indicating
that they've taken him prisoner.
With his belongings next to the arrow?
- Mm, no.
- [sighs uneasily]
But his smell tends to linger
for quite a while, even outdoors.
This is a tragedy for our entire family.
[clicks tongue] It would be
in bad taste to parade right now.
You've barely even talked
to Uncle since he arrived.
You just don't want the march.
I really don't care what
sort of gods they worship,
but to celebrate their difference
in the streets?
- What about the children?
- Mm-hmm.
[breathing heavily, angrily]
The march is on!
No march without Bogdan!
If we get Bogdan from the Tatars,
we'll have the parade?
Well, barring any more obstacles, yes.
We'll have it.
[cloak swishes]
I'll bring him back.
The girl's lost her mind.
[yelling] I'm sick of everyone telling me
I can't do things
because I'm some kind of precious noble!
[objects clattering and clanging]
[Aniela breathes angrily]
[in Polish] Oh, Maryś, my Maryś
I am asking you, my swan ♪
To let me, to let me
Mow your little lawn ♪
[Izaak, in English] Aniela!
Is the march happening?
[Aniela] I'm working on it.
[in Polish] To let me, to let me
Mow your little lawn ♪
[in English] Do you think
we could use our connections to
To what?
Pull some strings, maybe?
Izaak, I keep telling you,
we don't rule the world.
- Mm-hmm.
- There is no Jewish conspiracy, you know.
- It's just a rumor.
- Yeah, I know. I know. [sighs deeply]
- [dramatic music playing]
- [horse neighing]
[Jan Paweł] Aniela!
Aniela, wait!
[horses neigh]
- [hooves clip-clopping]
- [Jan Paweł] Aniela, will you slow down?
[horses neigh]
[Jan Paweł] Sweetie, I'm asking you
for the last time to turn back!
Aniela, can you stop?
- You made your point.
- I did not!
Can you just take my side for once,
please, Dad?
I was already let down once today.
- What about your mother?
- I'll protect you from Mother.
- [horse nickers]
- And I'll protect you from the Tatars.
I brought my friend Władysław with me.
Should they try to attack us,
they'll taste our swards.
- Swards or swords?
- I don't have either.
I'll take care of them. And it's swords.
Władysław, you need a sword
against Tatars.
You said we were going out
to get "tartare."
I said, "We need to get some Tatars
out of the woods," not tartares!
Well, my grumbling stomach only heard
"get tartare," then I got on my horse.
Władysław No matter how drunk you are,
always remember, "horse, sword, key."
- [Aniela shushes]
- [horse snorts, nickers]
- [Jan Paweł] Whoa.
- [rhythmic drumming in the distance]
- [whispers] It's still warm.
- Huh?
- [menacing music playing]
- [arrow scrapes]
[Jan Paweł gasps]
We've come for my uncle.
We mean you no harm.
[door slams]
[music intensifies, fades]
Oh! [laughs]
It's Bogdan!
We'd like to buy him back.
[game show music plays]
- [coins jingle]
- [Jan Paweł] I have 50 coins.
That's all you're offering?
They'll laugh you out of the woods.
[game show tone plays]
They want 500.
They just want five.
Really? I'm definitely worth
ten times that.
[coins clink]
I'll bid three.
What is this?
I'm confused. You offered 50 to start.
Because I didn't know
his current market value.
[Aniela] Dad, let's buy all of them back.
What did I always tell you at the fair
as a child? You can only choose one thing.
[Aniela] They'll take them away
to who knows where!
- How much for the kid?
- [game show tone plays]
And the mystery bag?
[game show tone plays]
Ah, that's too rich for my blood.
We'll take Bogdan and the kid.
[Władysław stammers]
Hold on a second, Jan.
Let's be strategic.
[momentum-building music playing]
[Władysław] In hole number two,
you have Bogdan. A joke.
In hole number three,
there's the kid. A bargain.
But in hole number one, a mystery bag.
Just like you said,
"Doesn't that make your blood race?"
That bag could hold anything.
Like a stray cat. And I don't like cats.
It's not. It's obviously a prisoner
in a hood, Dad.
[Władysław] Come on, old friend.
Aren't you tempted?
You could potentially win something
so much cooler than Bogdan.
[Bogdan] My ears work just fine.
- All right. I'll take the guy in the bag.
- [prisoner laughs with relief]
Come on! We came here to rescue my uncle,
and that's what we're doing.
And the kid.
All right.
- Is this really your final answer?
- Yes!
- [fire crackling]
- [music slowly fades]
I've been talking to you all day long,
and you learned nothing.
Nothing! Do you hear me?
So I made a deal with these Tatars.
They made it clear
they didn't wanna fight,
knowing that Poles take no prisoners.
Although, technically,
in this case, we are taking prisoners.
Except they were our prisoners
whom were captured by them,
so we're just capturing 'em back.
I mean, "who" were captured, not "whom."
- [indistinct laughing and chattering]
- [grand music playing]
[blade rasps]
The honorary patron
of this year's Equality March,
celebrating infidels of all races,
shall be my brave brother-in-law, Bogdan.
- [Bogdan] Hm?
- [music continues]
- [laughs]
- [slices]
- Whoo! [cheering]
- [all whooping and cheering]
And please give a big round of applause
to our guests of honor!
[all cheering]
All protesters are kindly requested
not to throw stones.
- [villagers chanting] Adamczycha!
- [drum and horn sounding rhythmically]
[chanting continues]
Live your best life in this place!
- [man] Stay on the left side of the road!
- [all chanting] Adamczycha! Adamczycha!
- Believe what you want in this safe space!
- [man] Heads up! The march is moving!
[chanting continues] Adamczycha!
- Adamczycha!
- [man] Watch out for provocateurs!
Do not get provoked!
[all chanting] Live your best life
in this safe space!
Adamczycha! Adamczycha!
Believe what you want in this safe space!
- [goat bleats]
- [all chanting] Adamczycha! Adamczycha!
- Believe what you want in this safe space!
- [melancholy music playing]
[melancholy music continues]
Subtitle translation by Maja Konkolewska.
Previous EpisodeNext Episode