18 to Life s01e12 Episode Script
Wingman
Breakfast is served.
There you are.
Ohhhh! Tom, this is delicious! Must be great to have|someone share the cooking.
Actually, I do all the cooking.
That he does.
Breakfast pizza,|pizza burgers, pizza loaf.
I can hardly wait for pizza sorbet.
Oh ho ho! Very funny.
This is the last box|for the yard sale.
I don't know how selling this|crap's gonna get me into golf camp.
Well, one man's trash is another|man's treasure, sweetie.
Has anybody thought of asking|Monica for her old stuff? I mean, she never wears|the same thing twice.
That is actually a great idea.
Jessie, would you mind|going to see Monica? Did I lose a bet? Truth is, she's been kind of depressYou|are so goodoke up with hat pep-talks.
No, not really.
Just that she won't Really?|return my calls.
I'm expecting a full report.
OK.
This is fantastic.
You barely touched it.
|I worked hard on this.
Sorry, not really in|the mood for eggs.
Now were these special eggs? No, I just-cooking's|kinda become my thing and I don't think|Jess has even noticed.
Oh man, this is awesome.
Actually, it's kinda demoralizing.
No.
No, look.
That's Sabrina Maythorpe.
Yeah, the brunette?|She's kinda cute.
No, Sabrina's the blonde.
I've been trying to get a|date with her for weeks but she's always with her friend.
Hey.
You've gotta be my wingman.
Carter, I am married now.
I am not going to play|your wingman anymore.
I totally respect that.
|Huh? I get it.
Hey, ladies! Hey, Carter! Why did you just call them over? Go with it, man.
|You look good.
Fix your Hi.
Hey.
This is my friend, Tom.
Hey, Tom.
Do you live at|the frat house with Carter? No.
No, I live over on|Henderson with my wife.
His Wi-Fi.
His Wi-fi.
This guy's a total techie.
Probably why he's single.
* Can't we find a way that|we could be together? * * Is there any way that|we could be together? * * And oh by the way,|baby, do you love me? * * Yes, I do! Yes, I do!|Yes, I do! * Sub made possible by Adriano_CSI There are only 48 cards in this deck!|I want my money back! Oh, I'm sorry but, as the signage indicates,|all sales are final.
Aw, c'mon, Ben.
|Give the lady her money back.
I'm afraid all I can say,|Phil, is caveat emptor.
Rules are rules.
I'm so sorry; he's an ass.
Oh, gee.
How much for this? Twenty.
Sold.
I'll give you five.
That shouldn't be there.
|That's mine! That's not for sale! Really! Cause I just bought|it for fifteen under asking.
Maybe if you actually won|something of your own, you wouldn't have to buy|my trophy, would you! All right! Listen.
Enough, OK? You know, I would really love it if you two would stop sniping|at each other for like, a day.
A contest? I love contests.
No, no.
No contest.
Actually, that's not a bad idea.
First one to lose his|temper loses the trophy.
Well, how is that fair? Phil doesn't even have a temper.
He's too sedated.
All right, then.
Phil? To make it fair,|you have to do this without the use of of any substances.
So what, just beer? No beer.
Wow.
You're screwed * Well.
Let the|games begin.
I already give my|stuff to the poor.
There's a chute down the hall|where I just drop them in.
That's the garbage.
Whatever.
Hey.
Ooh, I love the faux|leather of this Barcelona chair.
And that Eames table looks|like the real thing.
Yeah, the leather's not|"faux" and the table's real.
I didn't realize paralegals|get paid so well.
We do OK.
Also, men give me things.
Speaking of men I hear you broke up|with Todd.
You don't have to whisper.
He's not here.
Because I broke up with him.
Right.
Well, if you ever|need to talk about it, I'm- Oh! Hold that thought.
Anjay? Babe! Can't.
I'm already booked.
I've been there,|between boyfriends.
When I'm lonely, I feel like- Victoria.
Oh, can't talk;|sister-in-law's here.
UmJody? Jess! Yeah, I'll see you|at the club.
You know, your mom made|you sound lonelier.
That's because Mom can't understand|how anybody could be single and happy.
OK.
Well.
I guess I|should get going.
Do you want a glass of wine? I'm underage.
Don't make me slap you.
Maybe half a glass.
* I still don't get why I had to pretend to|be single.
Dude, do you even understand|the concept of a wingman? Your job is to engage the other|girl while I work my magic.
If she knows you're unavailable,|she'll be all: 'Let's go get our hair done|and play with hula hoops'.
You have no clue what women do|when we're not around, do you? No.
But the bottom line is,|I got a date with Sabrina! That's great.
|She seems like a nice girl.
Yeah, double-date! Too bad you'll never see her again.
All right.
I know that I've|asked for a lot in the past, but I'm cashing in my chips.
Oh! I think I'm in love.
I'm feeling really light-headed; I've got butterflies in my stomach.
I got some serious wood.
You sir, are a keeper.
The answer's still no.
* Good Lord.
What is that smell? Smells like Applewood smoked German bratwurst.
Dammit! Ben! You know the smell of|meat upsets Phil's stomach.
Yeah, Ben.
Oh, my gosh, you're right.
|I am so sorry.
Let me try to get rid of|some of this smoke here.
Oh, no, no, no.
|I just made it worse! Well, no point in letting|this go to waste, I guess.
How was your|trip to Monica's? Oh, you know what?|It was actually OK.
You know, she's not that bad once|you get a glass of wine into her.
Yeah, I know.
She's a lush.
So what'd you and Carter get up to? Played video games.
Wingman-Uh, wing Commander.
That's too bad.
|Pretty lame, actually.
I was thinking we could go check out that|new cafe; make fun of all the hipsters.
Oh, I can't.
Monica asked me to go|to a club with her and her friends.
I haven't had a girls'|night out in forever.
What am I gonna do? I don't know.
Hang out with Carter.
Phew! My goodness.
What is that? What is that smell? Pretty ripe, huh? Must you shovel|manure at this hour? Actually, it's guano.
The world's finest|eco-friendly fertilizer, made from the feces|of bats and seabirds.
A hundred percent organic.
Take a whiff.
I can't believe you've|been to Barcelona.
I feel lucky just sitting on|Monica's Barcelona chairs.
So what do you do with|your friends, Jessie? Well, design school takes|up a lot of my time.
I'm also married.
You're kidding.
It's great.
She's kidding.
We just don't have that much|time to travel, at least not now.
Well, hey.
If you're into architecture,|you have to check out the Spanish scene.
My husband thinks Gaudi is|the stuff between your toes.
C'mon, they're letting us in.
Ditch the plastic ring.
The crackerjack toy makes|you look so underage.
No.
But I haven't taken it|off since we got married.
Come on, Jessie.
Live a little.
Oh, thanks, buddy.
I needed this.
Actually, I kinda wanted to|talk to someone about something.
I have this crazy idea but I|don't know if Jessie will Love to hear all about it, man.
But the girls are here.
What!? How many times do I have|to tell you; I'm married.
What am I gonna say to this girl? Make something up! Tell her your|darkest secrets.
It doesn't matter.
You're never gonna see|them again, right? Come on, Tom.
For|once, live a little.
Another round of mojitos, ladies.
These are fantastic.
|What's in them? Alcohol.
Oh my God, I just totally|made out with that guy.
He's cute.
What's his name? I don't know.
So Jess, having fun? Yeah! That'll be forty dollars, ladies.
This round's on me.
Oh! Thank you! What's the matter?|Can't find the piggy bank? My wedding ring's gone!|I must've dropped it.
Oh, well.
No, Monica.
You have|to help me find it! Ha.
Oh, I thought you were joking.
Problem solved.
That's not the same thing.
It's identical.
Now let's go dance.
Yes! Whoo hoo! C'mon.
So are you just gonna|text all night, or do you wanna tell|me about yourself? Do you really Mm hm.
|want to know? Fine.
I still live with my|parents and do "chores".
I'm afraid to drive so I tell|everyone it's an environmental stance.
I think babies are ugly, no matter what|cute little basket you put them in, and I once had an erotic dream|about Velma from Scooby-Doo.
You're so cute.
I am? Yeah.
And interesting.
C'mon, tell me more.
OK, well, lately I've been|thinking about my future.
Honestly? I want to cook.
|Really cook.
Hey! What girl wouldn't|want to hook up with a chef? I saw a biography by Gordon|Ramsey somewhere here.
Oh my God, you have to read it.
Come.
Are you sure it was in this room? Kate? Whoa! What are you doing? Let's get cooking! Oh boy.
OK.
So, uh, listen, it was really great to meet you.
You're really nice.
Oh! Why don't you come up here|before you hurt yourself? No, I uh, I left the|iron on at home.
With my parents.
Did I mention|I live with my parents? Also, I like to iron.
You're cute.
Now why don't you|take your pants off? Whoooo.
Bye.
Morning.
Hey.
What are you looking for? My cell phone.
It's gotta be here somewhere.
How was your night? Fine.
How was yours? It was OK.
Something wrong with your ring? No.
It's just a bit lost - loose.
A bit loose.
How about some coffee? * Hey, Phil! Hey, where are you going? Inside.
Why? Your car's idling.
Oh yeah, I know.
I've got|to run some errands later so I thought I'd give the|AC a bit of a head start.
Oh.
Do me a favour, let me know when|she gets down to sixteen, will ya? Phew.
What's with you? Nothing.
How was last night? It didn't suck.
Turns out Jessie's refreshing in a "just fell off the turnip truck"|sort of way.
That's the nicest thing|you've ever said about Jessie.
Or anyone.
So does that mean you guys|are like, friends now? No.
Too much baggage for my taste.
All that guilt.
Reminds me of Mom.
Guilt? Yeah, she got all|fraught and bothered because she lost that silly|plastic ring you gave her.
But Jessie has the ring.
|She had it on this morning.
I got her another one.
It's not like those|things are one of a kind.
"It was an accident, Tom.
" Too obvious.
"It fell off".
Too random.
"Monica pulled me up on|the bar to dance and-" What am I saying? Tom's phone.
Hello? Is Tom there? Tom's not here.
Are you his mom? Actually, I'm his wife.
Are we talking about the same Tom? Eighteen.
Obsessed with Scooby Doo? Still lives with his parents? Likes to iron? Yeah, that's my husband.
Minus the ironing.
Oh my God.
He's married? Hey, honey! Have anything you|want to get off your chest? I don't know, Tom.
Do you have|something you want to get off yours? As a matter of fact, I do! I talked to Monica.
You lost your ring|and lied about it.
Oh, I lied? That's pretty rich coming from you.
By the way, Katy she says hi.
I can explain.
When were you gonna tell me? There's nothing to tell! Don't lie to me! Nothing happened! I'm not lying! I didn't sleep with her;|I didn't even look at her.
OK, I looked at her;|I didn't want to be rude.
No, Katy explained everything and|what you did was so much worse.
How can you share your aspirations|with some strange girl? Maybe I would've|shared them with you had you shown the|slightest bit of interest.
Maybe I would pay closer attention if you weren't changing your|life plan every other week.
Oh,I do not! Oh no? Last month you wanted|to go into advertising and before that you|wanted to be a fireman.
And now, a chef? It's like being married|to a six-year old! At least Katy didn't|treat me like a child.
Take that back! Sorry, Jess.
No take-backsies.
Maybe we are too young for this.
I'm crashing at my parents.
I'm sorry, dude.
This is partly my fault.
Partly? Partly, all.
They're just words.
Sometimes I envy you, buddy.
What are you talking about? I'm eighteen and married, Carter.
I have to deal with|in-laws and bills when my biggest problem should|be running out of ketchup.
Holy crap, we're out of ketchup.
Yeah, I should be more like you! Never married, never lonely.
Best of both worlds.
All right.
Listen.
Remember Sabrina|from the other night? Yeah.
Well, she dumped me.
So? You're just gonna|move on to the next girl, and then the next girl after that.
Yeah, right.
And then what, Tom? I don't know.
You just|keep going until you- Find someone special.
Isn't that the|point of it all? You're right.
Why would you want to|be chained down to a girl like Jessie when you could be here|with me eating ketchupless mac and cheese.
* ACOUSTIC GUITAR * * Please will you help me and not|take my friends away? * * I've got nothin' to do * * With these enemies of you.
* * Oooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
* Hey, Ben.
Can you believe? I have no musical|training whatsoever? Yaaaaahhh! Hey Phil.
Listen.
You win.
Excuse me? I can't do this anymore.
You're obviously the|more patient man so it belongs to you.
Wow, geez, I'm stunned.
Eh, Well.
It's not like I don't|have enough awards, right? Exactly.
And the fact that you haven't|enjoyed this kind of success, or any really, right? It's a fact I find almost touching.
So we're both winners then.
I don't know about that.
Anyway.
Maybe it'll|raise your self esteem.
Make that wife proud|of you for a change.
Maybe even your daughter, man.
You know what, Ben? You can take your sanctimonious,|and your condescending, and your smug- You've gotta pick a noun|eventually there, Phil.
See, I try to be a nice guy, and sometimes you|REALLY PISS ME OFF! Ha! Ha! I told you it would work! Gloating's not becoming, honey.
Doink.
Hee hee! See ya, sucker.
So, can I have a beer now? Where did you find it? Oh.
It fell on the floor|while you were dancing so I put it in my purse.
|Were you looking for it? I told you I was.
Several times.
Sorry.
I was kinda loaded.
It doesn't matter anyway.
Tom and I You know I don't even|wanna talk about it.
Why don't we have|another girls' night? Yes! I'll get the tequila.
Already with the tequila? Oh, maybe she's right.
Maybe we should wait until we|get to the club.
Why can't we just stay in and|watch a movie or something? Hey.
Got your text.
Remember this place? How could I forget? I think you were about here.
And I was right about here.
What are you doing, Tom? It's for real, Jess.
No more kid's stuff.
Oh my God!|How did you pay for that? I borrowed some money|from our move-out fund.
Also, I'm going to be the|father of a stranger's baby.
I don't know what to say.
Just say yes.
That's all you need to say: Yes.
No.
I can't accept this.
I love you, Jess.
|We can get through this.
I know we can, but I had|other plans for that money.
So we have to wait a little longer before we get our own place.
We'll get there.
That's not what I meant.
The Chelsea Culinary Institute? I signed you up for|cooking school, Tom.
If it's important to you,|it's important to me.
What about the ring? I found a better one.
An original.
Like my husband.
All right, little lady! Get ready for some|Spanish magic: Paella.
Except I subbed the|chorizo with hot dogs and the chicken with canned turkey, but it's the same general idea.
It's just like being in Barcelona, dining in the shadow of Gaudi.
Don't be gross, Jess.
* I tried so|hard to run away * * To put the ghost back in its grave|* * Just like the sea,|it's the night and me * Perfect! * Now that I know,|yes it's love * * Why go and play|the poor victim * * That's just a game|you'll never win * * Can't blame the|distant past * * for all the things you've|never done * * You gotta face up * * Yes, it's love.
* * La la la la la la * * I never thought|you'd go so far * Bye, Mom! * How can I travel|to where you are * * Please come back to me|and I'll make you see * * and then you'll know,|oh.
Yes, it's love *
There you are.
Ohhhh! Tom, this is delicious! Must be great to have|someone share the cooking.
Actually, I do all the cooking.
That he does.
Breakfast pizza,|pizza burgers, pizza loaf.
I can hardly wait for pizza sorbet.
Oh ho ho! Very funny.
This is the last box|for the yard sale.
I don't know how selling this|crap's gonna get me into golf camp.
Well, one man's trash is another|man's treasure, sweetie.
Has anybody thought of asking|Monica for her old stuff? I mean, she never wears|the same thing twice.
That is actually a great idea.
Jessie, would you mind|going to see Monica? Did I lose a bet? Truth is, she's been kind of depressYou|are so goodoke up with hat pep-talks.
No, not really.
Just that she won't Really?|return my calls.
I'm expecting a full report.
OK.
This is fantastic.
You barely touched it.
|I worked hard on this.
Sorry, not really in|the mood for eggs.
Now were these special eggs? No, I just-cooking's|kinda become my thing and I don't think|Jess has even noticed.
Oh man, this is awesome.
Actually, it's kinda demoralizing.
No.
No, look.
That's Sabrina Maythorpe.
Yeah, the brunette?|She's kinda cute.
No, Sabrina's the blonde.
I've been trying to get a|date with her for weeks but she's always with her friend.
Hey.
You've gotta be my wingman.
Carter, I am married now.
I am not going to play|your wingman anymore.
I totally respect that.
|Huh? I get it.
Hey, ladies! Hey, Carter! Why did you just call them over? Go with it, man.
|You look good.
Fix your Hi.
Hey.
This is my friend, Tom.
Hey, Tom.
Do you live at|the frat house with Carter? No.
No, I live over on|Henderson with my wife.
His Wi-Fi.
His Wi-fi.
This guy's a total techie.
Probably why he's single.
* Can't we find a way that|we could be together? * * Is there any way that|we could be together? * * And oh by the way,|baby, do you love me? * * Yes, I do! Yes, I do!|Yes, I do! * Sub made possible by Adriano_CSI There are only 48 cards in this deck!|I want my money back! Oh, I'm sorry but, as the signage indicates,|all sales are final.
Aw, c'mon, Ben.
|Give the lady her money back.
I'm afraid all I can say,|Phil, is caveat emptor.
Rules are rules.
I'm so sorry; he's an ass.
Oh, gee.
How much for this? Twenty.
Sold.
I'll give you five.
That shouldn't be there.
|That's mine! That's not for sale! Really! Cause I just bought|it for fifteen under asking.
Maybe if you actually won|something of your own, you wouldn't have to buy|my trophy, would you! All right! Listen.
Enough, OK? You know, I would really love it if you two would stop sniping|at each other for like, a day.
A contest? I love contests.
No, no.
No contest.
Actually, that's not a bad idea.
First one to lose his|temper loses the trophy.
Well, how is that fair? Phil doesn't even have a temper.
He's too sedated.
All right, then.
Phil? To make it fair,|you have to do this without the use of of any substances.
So what, just beer? No beer.
Wow.
You're screwed * Well.
Let the|games begin.
I already give my|stuff to the poor.
There's a chute down the hall|where I just drop them in.
That's the garbage.
Whatever.
Hey.
Ooh, I love the faux|leather of this Barcelona chair.
And that Eames table looks|like the real thing.
Yeah, the leather's not|"faux" and the table's real.
I didn't realize paralegals|get paid so well.
We do OK.
Also, men give me things.
Speaking of men I hear you broke up|with Todd.
You don't have to whisper.
He's not here.
Because I broke up with him.
Right.
Well, if you ever|need to talk about it, I'm- Oh! Hold that thought.
Anjay? Babe! Can't.
I'm already booked.
I've been there,|between boyfriends.
When I'm lonely, I feel like- Victoria.
Oh, can't talk;|sister-in-law's here.
UmJody? Jess! Yeah, I'll see you|at the club.
You know, your mom made|you sound lonelier.
That's because Mom can't understand|how anybody could be single and happy.
OK.
Well.
I guess I|should get going.
Do you want a glass of wine? I'm underage.
Don't make me slap you.
Maybe half a glass.
* I still don't get why I had to pretend to|be single.
Dude, do you even understand|the concept of a wingman? Your job is to engage the other|girl while I work my magic.
If she knows you're unavailable,|she'll be all: 'Let's go get our hair done|and play with hula hoops'.
You have no clue what women do|when we're not around, do you? No.
But the bottom line is,|I got a date with Sabrina! That's great.
|She seems like a nice girl.
Yeah, double-date! Too bad you'll never see her again.
All right.
I know that I've|asked for a lot in the past, but I'm cashing in my chips.
Oh! I think I'm in love.
I'm feeling really light-headed; I've got butterflies in my stomach.
I got some serious wood.
You sir, are a keeper.
The answer's still no.
* Good Lord.
What is that smell? Smells like Applewood smoked German bratwurst.
Dammit! Ben! You know the smell of|meat upsets Phil's stomach.
Yeah, Ben.
Oh, my gosh, you're right.
|I am so sorry.
Let me try to get rid of|some of this smoke here.
Oh, no, no, no.
|I just made it worse! Well, no point in letting|this go to waste, I guess.
How was your|trip to Monica's? Oh, you know what?|It was actually OK.
You know, she's not that bad once|you get a glass of wine into her.
Yeah, I know.
She's a lush.
So what'd you and Carter get up to? Played video games.
Wingman-Uh, wing Commander.
That's too bad.
|Pretty lame, actually.
I was thinking we could go check out that|new cafe; make fun of all the hipsters.
Oh, I can't.
Monica asked me to go|to a club with her and her friends.
I haven't had a girls'|night out in forever.
What am I gonna do? I don't know.
Hang out with Carter.
Phew! My goodness.
What is that? What is that smell? Pretty ripe, huh? Must you shovel|manure at this hour? Actually, it's guano.
The world's finest|eco-friendly fertilizer, made from the feces|of bats and seabirds.
A hundred percent organic.
Take a whiff.
I can't believe you've|been to Barcelona.
I feel lucky just sitting on|Monica's Barcelona chairs.
So what do you do with|your friends, Jessie? Well, design school takes|up a lot of my time.
I'm also married.
You're kidding.
It's great.
She's kidding.
We just don't have that much|time to travel, at least not now.
Well, hey.
If you're into architecture,|you have to check out the Spanish scene.
My husband thinks Gaudi is|the stuff between your toes.
C'mon, they're letting us in.
Ditch the plastic ring.
The crackerjack toy makes|you look so underage.
No.
But I haven't taken it|off since we got married.
Come on, Jessie.
Live a little.
Oh, thanks, buddy.
I needed this.
Actually, I kinda wanted to|talk to someone about something.
I have this crazy idea but I|don't know if Jessie will Love to hear all about it, man.
But the girls are here.
What!? How many times do I have|to tell you; I'm married.
What am I gonna say to this girl? Make something up! Tell her your|darkest secrets.
It doesn't matter.
You're never gonna see|them again, right? Come on, Tom.
For|once, live a little.
Another round of mojitos, ladies.
These are fantastic.
|What's in them? Alcohol.
Oh my God, I just totally|made out with that guy.
He's cute.
What's his name? I don't know.
So Jess, having fun? Yeah! That'll be forty dollars, ladies.
This round's on me.
Oh! Thank you! What's the matter?|Can't find the piggy bank? My wedding ring's gone!|I must've dropped it.
Oh, well.
No, Monica.
You have|to help me find it! Ha.
Oh, I thought you were joking.
Problem solved.
That's not the same thing.
It's identical.
Now let's go dance.
Yes! Whoo hoo! C'mon.
So are you just gonna|text all night, or do you wanna tell|me about yourself? Do you really Mm hm.
|want to know? Fine.
I still live with my|parents and do "chores".
I'm afraid to drive so I tell|everyone it's an environmental stance.
I think babies are ugly, no matter what|cute little basket you put them in, and I once had an erotic dream|about Velma from Scooby-Doo.
You're so cute.
I am? Yeah.
And interesting.
C'mon, tell me more.
OK, well, lately I've been|thinking about my future.
Honestly? I want to cook.
|Really cook.
Hey! What girl wouldn't|want to hook up with a chef? I saw a biography by Gordon|Ramsey somewhere here.
Oh my God, you have to read it.
Come.
Are you sure it was in this room? Kate? Whoa! What are you doing? Let's get cooking! Oh boy.
OK.
So, uh, listen, it was really great to meet you.
You're really nice.
Oh! Why don't you come up here|before you hurt yourself? No, I uh, I left the|iron on at home.
With my parents.
Did I mention|I live with my parents? Also, I like to iron.
You're cute.
Now why don't you|take your pants off? Whoooo.
Bye.
Morning.
Hey.
What are you looking for? My cell phone.
It's gotta be here somewhere.
How was your night? Fine.
How was yours? It was OK.
Something wrong with your ring? No.
It's just a bit lost - loose.
A bit loose.
How about some coffee? * Hey, Phil! Hey, where are you going? Inside.
Why? Your car's idling.
Oh yeah, I know.
I've got|to run some errands later so I thought I'd give the|AC a bit of a head start.
Oh.
Do me a favour, let me know when|she gets down to sixteen, will ya? Phew.
What's with you? Nothing.
How was last night? It didn't suck.
Turns out Jessie's refreshing in a "just fell off the turnip truck"|sort of way.
That's the nicest thing|you've ever said about Jessie.
Or anyone.
So does that mean you guys|are like, friends now? No.
Too much baggage for my taste.
All that guilt.
Reminds me of Mom.
Guilt? Yeah, she got all|fraught and bothered because she lost that silly|plastic ring you gave her.
But Jessie has the ring.
|She had it on this morning.
I got her another one.
It's not like those|things are one of a kind.
"It was an accident, Tom.
" Too obvious.
"It fell off".
Too random.
"Monica pulled me up on|the bar to dance and-" What am I saying? Tom's phone.
Hello? Is Tom there? Tom's not here.
Are you his mom? Actually, I'm his wife.
Are we talking about the same Tom? Eighteen.
Obsessed with Scooby Doo? Still lives with his parents? Likes to iron? Yeah, that's my husband.
Minus the ironing.
Oh my God.
He's married? Hey, honey! Have anything you|want to get off your chest? I don't know, Tom.
Do you have|something you want to get off yours? As a matter of fact, I do! I talked to Monica.
You lost your ring|and lied about it.
Oh, I lied? That's pretty rich coming from you.
By the way, Katy she says hi.
I can explain.
When were you gonna tell me? There's nothing to tell! Don't lie to me! Nothing happened! I'm not lying! I didn't sleep with her;|I didn't even look at her.
OK, I looked at her;|I didn't want to be rude.
No, Katy explained everything and|what you did was so much worse.
How can you share your aspirations|with some strange girl? Maybe I would've|shared them with you had you shown the|slightest bit of interest.
Maybe I would pay closer attention if you weren't changing your|life plan every other week.
Oh,I do not! Oh no? Last month you wanted|to go into advertising and before that you|wanted to be a fireman.
And now, a chef? It's like being married|to a six-year old! At least Katy didn't|treat me like a child.
Take that back! Sorry, Jess.
No take-backsies.
Maybe we are too young for this.
I'm crashing at my parents.
I'm sorry, dude.
This is partly my fault.
Partly? Partly, all.
They're just words.
Sometimes I envy you, buddy.
What are you talking about? I'm eighteen and married, Carter.
I have to deal with|in-laws and bills when my biggest problem should|be running out of ketchup.
Holy crap, we're out of ketchup.
Yeah, I should be more like you! Never married, never lonely.
Best of both worlds.
All right.
Listen.
Remember Sabrina|from the other night? Yeah.
Well, she dumped me.
So? You're just gonna|move on to the next girl, and then the next girl after that.
Yeah, right.
And then what, Tom? I don't know.
You just|keep going until you- Find someone special.
Isn't that the|point of it all? You're right.
Why would you want to|be chained down to a girl like Jessie when you could be here|with me eating ketchupless mac and cheese.
* ACOUSTIC GUITAR * * Please will you help me and not|take my friends away? * * I've got nothin' to do * * With these enemies of you.
* * Oooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
* Hey, Ben.
Can you believe? I have no musical|training whatsoever? Yaaaaahhh! Hey Phil.
Listen.
You win.
Excuse me? I can't do this anymore.
You're obviously the|more patient man so it belongs to you.
Wow, geez, I'm stunned.
Eh, Well.
It's not like I don't|have enough awards, right? Exactly.
And the fact that you haven't|enjoyed this kind of success, or any really, right? It's a fact I find almost touching.
So we're both winners then.
I don't know about that.
Anyway.
Maybe it'll|raise your self esteem.
Make that wife proud|of you for a change.
Maybe even your daughter, man.
You know what, Ben? You can take your sanctimonious,|and your condescending, and your smug- You've gotta pick a noun|eventually there, Phil.
See, I try to be a nice guy, and sometimes you|REALLY PISS ME OFF! Ha! Ha! I told you it would work! Gloating's not becoming, honey.
Doink.
Hee hee! See ya, sucker.
So, can I have a beer now? Where did you find it? Oh.
It fell on the floor|while you were dancing so I put it in my purse.
|Were you looking for it? I told you I was.
Several times.
Sorry.
I was kinda loaded.
It doesn't matter anyway.
Tom and I You know I don't even|wanna talk about it.
Why don't we have|another girls' night? Yes! I'll get the tequila.
Already with the tequila? Oh, maybe she's right.
Maybe we should wait until we|get to the club.
Why can't we just stay in and|watch a movie or something? Hey.
Got your text.
Remember this place? How could I forget? I think you were about here.
And I was right about here.
What are you doing, Tom? It's for real, Jess.
No more kid's stuff.
Oh my God!|How did you pay for that? I borrowed some money|from our move-out fund.
Also, I'm going to be the|father of a stranger's baby.
I don't know what to say.
Just say yes.
That's all you need to say: Yes.
No.
I can't accept this.
I love you, Jess.
|We can get through this.
I know we can, but I had|other plans for that money.
So we have to wait a little longer before we get our own place.
We'll get there.
That's not what I meant.
The Chelsea Culinary Institute? I signed you up for|cooking school, Tom.
If it's important to you,|it's important to me.
What about the ring? I found a better one.
An original.
Like my husband.
All right, little lady! Get ready for some|Spanish magic: Paella.
Except I subbed the|chorizo with hot dogs and the chicken with canned turkey, but it's the same general idea.
It's just like being in Barcelona, dining in the shadow of Gaudi.
Don't be gross, Jess.
* I tried so|hard to run away * * To put the ghost back in its grave|* * Just like the sea,|it's the night and me * Perfect! * Now that I know,|yes it's love * * Why go and play|the poor victim * * That's just a game|you'll never win * * Can't blame the|distant past * * for all the things you've|never done * * You gotta face up * * Yes, it's love.
* * La la la la la la * * I never thought|you'd go so far * Bye, Mom! * How can I travel|to where you are * * Please come back to me|and I'll make you see * * and then you'll know,|oh.
Yes, it's love *