18 to Life s02e03 Episode Script

So what are your plans for spring break? Singles resort in Cancun.
How come I wasn't invited? Mature singles.
Oh.
What about you? Well, got a little r&r lined up: Rebecca and Rachel are their names.
I actually met them at the English as a second language sign-up.
You're teaching English? I'm learning English.
You're kidding.
Ola? Hey, how'd the job fair go? Great, considering there weren't even any rides.
You found a part-time job? Mm hm.
Last I saw, he was at the Hooters' booth.
You'd let him work at Hooters? Sure.
In the kitchen.
Hooters serves food? How'd the job fair go? Terrible.
Ah, there weren't even any rides.
Jessie already used that one.
What? You stole my joke? I got here first.
So, how'd it go? Well? No spring break for me.
I am with job for the next ten days.
Just like you demanded.
Sorry, did I say demanded? I meant demanded.
We have no choice! Our car leaks oil and the muffler drags.
We leave pools of fire everywhere we drive.
I thought that was a special effect.
See? So where are you working? Oh, my gig sucks.
I mean, it's better than wearing a giant beaver head at summer-lude, but only marginally.
Mine's amazing.
I'm at this awesome store, a real cultural mecca.
And I've got a soul-sucking retail job at a big box store.
And I'll be surrounded by art, literature, creativity.
And I'll be surrounded by losers.
Congratulations? You guys are like Romeo and Juliet on steroids.
I'm cancelling Cancun.
Can't we find a way that we could be together? Is there any way that we could be together? And oh by the way, baby, do you love me? Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Whoo hoo hoo Adrianocsi come on.
Go ahead, little fella, take the acorn.
Think you can settle in and start a family? Not on my watch.
Yeah, that's it.
Run.
Ben, what the hell are you doing? You can't stop the squirrels from mating by shooting at them! Well, I asked them to use birth control but they said it ruined the moment.
This has to be illegal.
No! Apparently the little bastards can fornicate wherever they please.
No.
I meant shooting a pellet gun in the city.
Oh, I don't kill them, Tara; I just let them know I can kill them.
They're a nuisance.
Squirrels are integral to the dispersal of seeds and nuts.
Ok? And they're only a nuisance to you.
Here you go, dear.
Home-made pretzels.
For keeping those designer rats out of my yard.
These ones are a little spicy, like you.
Oh ho ho! Thank you, Mrs.
braun.
Oh, my dear.
Oh! Did you hear that, Tara? Someone really appreciates me.
Whatever.
Ben? Why must you take everything so seriously? I don't take everything seriously! Why would-- oh.
I'm doing it right now, aren't I? Mm hm.
Dr.
marks called.
He said if you don't get your blood pressure under control, you can say good-bye to salt, and pretzels.
Hey, if I wanted bland food, I would've married your mother.
It's either that or ask Phil what makes him so sedated.
Ask Phil? I'd rather slit my wrists.
Well, that'd bring your pressure down in a hurry.
Come on! Grrrr! I wouldn't stress.
Pay day is Friday.
You know? We'll get it fixed then.
If I don't quit first.
I thought you were excited about this job.
I was until you killed it with your soul-sucking box store talk.
Yeah, but that was before I knew we were working together.
Now it's gonna be great! We'll make fun of co-workers together; we'll make sex in the break-room together, and we'll make enough money to get putzy fixed.
Yeah.
I think we should pretend that we're not married.
That's a really good idea.
More professional.
Way hotter.
Oh! Phil? Phil? Ah! I have a question.
What a coincidence.
I need a favour.
It's not a coincidence.
They're two totally different things.
Good point.
How ironic.
It's not ironic, either.
Well, you don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Agh! K.
Gle) Uh look.
I apparently have high blood pressure.
Really? And since you're the closest thing I know to a corpse, I was wondering if maybe you could help Me.
No problem, dude.
You gotta fix my next parking ticket.
Oh, done! The next one's on me.
Glad to hear it.
I just happen to have a parking ticket right here.
Now that's a coincidence.
Oh! Sorry.
Jessie? Have I seen you somewhere before? Um, I don't think so.
I never forget a redhead.
Mr.
bellow, I think you better read the book buy employee handbook.
Pay particular attention to the chapter on racial, religious, and follicle discrimination.
Us gingers gotta stick together.
All right! Good morning, team mates.
Today, I would like to welcome two new book buy team members! Our new sanitation specialist.
Am I going too fast for you, tom? You will be mopping floors, which means Luigi has been promoted to greeter.
Congratulations, Luigi! Jessie hill is our new junior assistant manager.
That's not fair.
Who said hair? Who said hair! So, you're gonna be my boss? Could this day get any better? If I say book you say buy.
Book! Buy! Book! Buy! If I say sell, you say more.
Sell! More! Sell! More! Apparently it could.
We flow from the tree to downward barking dog.
Doesn't seem very flowy, Phil.
That's because you're thinking too much.
And I missed out a couple of the steps.
I like the way the poses are what they say.
And then we flow into the groin-cruncher.
Ow! God, my calf! If this is yoga, sign me up for a triple bypass.
You know, that's not yoga.
That's not even yogurt.
Listen, if you want to learn, I'll teach you.
She'll teach me.
You ok, Ben? Yeah.
Why are you suddenly interested in helping Ben relax? Because if I help Ben, I help the squirrels.
Right.
What? Having you as my boss is gonna be awesome.
We're gonna get away with murder.
So you're ok with this? Yeah! Ahem.
What's going on here? We were just doing some mopping.
Junior assistant managers don't mop.
Don't let dimples here try and trick you into thinking otherwise.
No, no, no.
He wasn't-- don't think that because she's a redhead that she's easily manipulated or that she'll become a vampire when she dies.
Cause she won't.
Let's go, jessie.
The best place to relax is in one's own environment.
All right, just forget about the poses.
All right.
Just breathe.
Breathe in? Breathe out.
I know how to breathe, dammit.
With the exception of the six and a half minutes at the bottom of willow lake when I was nine, I've been pretty much breathing all my life.
Breath is the link between the spiritual and the physical.
It is the key to all relaxation.
You just concentrate And there we go.
Would the junior assistant manager please report to the stock room? There's been a recall emergency.
What's going on? I finished my work so I was hoping you could give me some extra duties.
Tom, you know I'm not comfortable being your-- and as your employee, I will have to do whatever you tell me.
See how much fun it is working together? We don't work together; I'm your boss.
Now shut up and lose the shirt.
That was a great book.
Very invigorating, with a twist ending.
Jessie? I've been looking all over for you.
I'm gonna go do moppingMopping job.
What were you two doing in there? We were counting the new shipment.
You're wearing tom's name tag.
Can I see you in my office? Hey, little fella.
I'm not gonna hurt ya.
Look at you relaxing.
I'm so proud of you, honey.
Oh.
Looks like we have a weed sprouting over there.
Better nip it in the bud, huh? Nah.
It's just a weed.
I guess I'll take care of it.
So you're learning Spanish so these girls will teach you English? It's not easy being single, tom.
Book buy floor staff please report to stock room.
Don't you have to go? My wife is my boss.
I don't have to do anything.
I can't believe jessie's your boss.
This job just gets lamer by the second.
Oh, like you've had better.
Of course I have.
Carter Boyd, you're the best cowboy ninja who ever worked at the race car centre.
Thanks for saving earth.
Carter, the only job you've had is as a pharmaceutical test subject, remember? Obviously not, tom.
Anyway, the best part of this job is that jessie's my boss.
If the stock room's a-rockin'-- Tom bellow? Could you please report to the stock room? Tom bellow? I gotta go.
Wait, what do I do if the stock room's a-rockin'? When I say best, you say seller.
Best! Seller! Best! Seller! G-o-o-o-o-o book buy! Yay, thank you everyone.
Did you lose a bet? No! After finnegan caught us, I convinced him we switched our name tags because of some "employee empathy program.
" Ava has taught you well.
It gets better.
He actually gave me a promotion.
What? That's so amazing.
I'm not sure.
There's so much I don't know.
Like, what are those things that they put in urinals to make them smell clean? Urinal pucks.
Right! Yeah, I'm gonna need you to put fresh ones in all the bathrooms.
I am starving.
I didn't even get a break today; It was that busy.
And you must be exhausted.
All that cleaning.
What say we get out of these uniforms, order in, and do a little extra-curricular reading, if you catch my drift.
Who are you? Great idea.
How about a down-and-out hitch-hiker? So we're just going to pretend like today never happened.
Like what never happened? You.
Me.
The stock room? That was your idea.
Not the sex, the pucking! You made me change urinal pucks! Used ones.
Well, you wouldn't change new ones.
Since when is it your job to make me do mine? Why are you taking this so personally? How else am I supposed to take it? Like a grown-up.
Look, I think it's important that from now on I keep my personal and professional lives separate.
They weren't so separate at eleven A.
M.
this morning.
That was a mistake.
I'm sorry, tom but you have to understand.
There's a 'work' jessie and a 'home' jessie.
It's business.
Nothing personal.
It's just a part-time job, Jess.
Maybe at your level.
Beer and peanuts.
I'm not sure we should've screwed with the balance of nature.
There may be repercussions in teaching Ben yoga.
I didn't teach him yoga.
He only thinks he's doing yoga.
He's mostly just hyperventilating.
You naughty, naughty girl.
I love you.
And I'd love you back, honey, if you were to pick up your peanuts.
What? Come on, Phil; They're all over the place.
More yoga? Well, Judith? My bp is in the basement, right next to my broken dreams of tom ever leaving the house.
I've never been more relaxed.
I really need you to take a look at our investment portfolio.
We have an appointment at noon.
Oh, absolutely.
Six-hundred million smoking Chinese men have me bullish on cigarette stocks again.
Great.
I'm doing a coffee run, want anything? A vanilla latte? I'll take a double mocha-chino.
What? Sorry, money up front.
Why are you being a jerk? I'm pretty sure name-calling isn't part of the book buy code of conduct.
Can you get my coffee or not? I'm not really comfortable lending money to co-workers.
It's just business.
Sprinkles? Yeah.
Oh.
Clean-up in self-help, tom.
Stat.
Unfortunately, I'm on break.
So you're gonna have to wait, or do it yourself.
Junior assistant managers don't mop.
Wait it is, then.
You do know you don't get a break until you've finished four hours of your shift, right? Ah, but everyone else is on break.
That's because everybody else came in for 9 A.
M.
, except for Melinda who came in at 8:30 but then locked her keys in the car and had to call ruben, her boyfriend, to help.
Technically she started at 9:10 but that's still four hours.
So.
Hey, honey.
What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at Wendy's girl guide meeting.
Why would I be there? It's father-daughter day.
Yikes.
Do we have any pickles? Oh my God! Phil! What have you done? The grass! Our butterfly habitat? On unkempt lawn is the perfect breeding ground for squirrels.
We have a squirrel problem? Ahhh.
Not anymore.
The woman inside me? Thank you, dear.
Oh.
Thank God someone's kicking some serious squirrel ass around here.
Thank you! Nice work with the "management for morons.
" Thank you.
You realize, of course, this means war.
Take it up with me after my legally-mandated book buy fifteen minute break, starting Now.
You can't take a break in battle, tom! Honey, you won't believe what I just saw Mrs.
braun delivering a basket full of pretzels to Phil, of all people.
Mm hm.
What are you doing? Um, nothing, nothing.
Just you know, bills.
Municipal taxes.
Banking.
Insurance re-evaluations.
Oh! Honey, I was thinking for our portfolio, big agriculture.
I mean, food shortages due to global warming are pretty much guaranteed! Ha ha.
Don't you think? I think so.
Yeah.
Oh, yes, this one.
Whoa whoa, honey.
It might be me, or is there a hint of edge in your voice? I want my husband back.
I'm right here.
No, you're not.
You're next door getting pretzels from Mrs.
braun.
Mrs.
braun delivered home-made pretzels to Phil.
Oh, good lord.
If Phil's me, that means I'm Oh no, no, no.
Oh no.
Thanks.
Welcome back.
Who was mopping the front entrance? That would have been tom bellow.
Don't tell me he made a mistake.
That's one way of putting it.
Well.
I'll just get him to re-do it.
Yes.
If by re-do you mean fire.
Fire! For a little spillage? Because that genius didn't use a wet floor sign, a customer fell and broke a hip.
Oh my God.
Did I say "fall"? I meant, "could have fallen.
" But I can't let that level of incompetence slide.
It was me.
I did it.
Jessie.
Trying to cover for an employee's failure, I mean, the depth of your generosity is endless.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go fire tom.
No! Wait! Please sir, you can't.
You know what? You're right.
You should do it.
What? No.
Why? Because this is one of those unfortunate things that a manager has to do.
Think of it as a learning opportunity.
Well, couldn't I just skip this part of my education? You have a choice, jessie.
Fire tom or I'll fire you.
Tom bellow, please report to the assistant manager's office.
People are backing off some are lining up people are lookin' up people are blowin 'up people are crashing up and they're covering up! Sweet red-headed Jesus! Did you notice how his neck went as red as his hr when he fired us? Kinda hard to miss.
Unli this.
Did you steal this? I think of it as a parting gift.
"Bad-ass jessie" is the bomb.
There's like everything you need to repair a car in here.
I know.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah.
We'll give it to your dad and he'll fix it.
Exactly.
See, we make a great team.
I say "book", you say "Bite-me.
" Hey! Nice job on the lawn here, Phil.
Guess all you have to worry about now is maintenance.
Shouldn't be too bad.
Not if you don't mind late nights and early mornings.
Late nights? Best time to mow.
Early mornings? Best time to water.
This is about the pretzels, isn't it? I've trimmed more rough edges in a year than you have in a lifetime, Phil.
I deserved those pretzels.
You can't even eat them.
Judith has volunteered to de-salt each one individually.
She needs a hobby.
Oopsie.
Adrianocsi