3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Fun with Dick and Janet (2)

Harry: last time on 3rd rock from the sun we returned from the home planet, but forgot to clean up the landing site.
Aliens, huh? Harry: meanwhile, the big giant head made us bring back a little present for Dick.
I'd like you to meet your new wife! My wife?! Sally: we've been calling her Janet.
Harry: too bad he was already engaged to Dr.
You crazy lug.
Harry: so Dick came up with the idea to send his new wife packing.
Watch as I become the most obnoxious, repulsive creep any woman has ever met.
Stella! Stella! Janet! You didn't eat your mini pizza! Acchh! You call that a pizza? I wouldn't feed that to a dog! A dog wouldn't feed it to a dog! Not even a dog he hated! Ok, then.
Damn right you're sorry! Sorry as hell! You're-- now bring me another beer.
Because I drink! And I drink a lot! I'm a booze hound, I am.
And what's worse, when I drink, I get a head of steam.
I get all punchy, and I like to lash out! Oh, you're not so bad.
Ahhgod! Why can't you dress nice? Look at you! You look like someone who--who-- isn't dressed all that nice.
Well, I could change for you.
And look at that apron.
[Crying] I like that apron.
[Sobbing] It's pretty.
With all the hearts and--And the words and--and the hearts [Wailing] Oh, that's Ok, baby.
You can wear the apron.
Oh, god, I'm sorry! [Sobbing] You're a nice person, and it's not your fault that the big giant fathead made you come here and live with people you don't even know! [Sobbing] I've always depended on the kindness of strangers.
[Sobbing] Mama make it all better! I'm all messed up inside, mama.
[Sobbing] [Whimpering like a dreaming dog] Good morning, lover.
Oh, my god! What have I done? Well, not much.
But, hey, there's always tonight.
Oh, what time is it? I- I've got to get to work.
No, don't worry about it.
I already called Nina, and I told her you were gonna be late.
You called Nina? Yes.
I--I told her everything.
You told her everything?! Well, where's my kiss?! "Speaking off the record, officer Don Orville told the bugle, "I believe aliens are among us and it's up to me to nab 'em.
" Wow.
Don, front page.
And it's all because my eyes were opened to a world I never knew existed.
Thanks, Harry.
[Sighs] You can't listen to him.
It doesn't exist.
Oh, yes.
It does.
Look what I found in the wheat field.
[Gasps] [Gasps] [Gasps] It's the fusion chamber! The what? The fusion chamberlain.
The fusion chamberlain show.
With your host, fusion chamberlain! Whoo! Whoo I've never seen it.
Sally, what I have in my hand is a piece of a terrifying alien spacecraft.
Undeniable proof that they've landed.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to pack this in dry ice and drive it to the regional field office of the Fbi in Cleveland.
Why dry ice? Gives a nice smoky effect.
Well good-bye, Sally.
Good-bye? I'm off to save the earth from the scum of the universe.
Fbi? What are we gonna do? Don't panic.
I have the solution.
You're gonna go down to the police station and take the fall.
Tell them it was a prank.
Why me? Well, you're a minor.
They'll go easy on you.
Besides, we all have to make some sacrifices around here.
What sacrifice are you making? The shame of having a juvenile delinquent for a nephew, Ok? I'm not angry, Tommy.
I'm justdisappointed.
Good morning, Nina.
Oh, that can't be good.
Dick what happened last night? Where were you? Well, didn't Harry tell you? He told me you fell down a well.
Uh, uh, uh, he was covering for me.
See I was packing my bag so that we could elope! Elope? Yes! We're going to Akron! Oh, it'll be so romantic.
You, me, the notary public at the copy-mart.
Well, I--I can't just leave.
I have to cancel 3 classes, and is Nina in? No! Uh-- Mary, forget about your classes.
This time tomorrow we'll be on our honeymoon.
We can go anywhere we want for as long as we want.
Heck, we may never come back.
We're crazy in love, let's go! Good morning.
Daah! Ohh! What's going on? Yeah, Dr.
Solomon, why don't you tell her what's going on? She's lying.
What? Mary, you can't listen to a thing she says because it's--it's-- I-it'sopposite Wednesday! Opposite Wednesday? Yes! Everything she tells you, you're supposed to think the opposite.
All the secretaries are doing it.
No! Is this true? See? Ah ha ha ha! Love is war, peace is hate.
If she says she's happy, she's actually sad.
If she says I was with another woman last night, it's because I actually wasn't! You were with another woman? She's just saying that.
Save your breath.
I already told her.
Oh, Mary, it's true.
I was with a woman last night.
Hah! I didn't really tell her.
What?! It's opposite Wednesday.
Gr--ohh, Nina! You're an evil genius! [Giggling] Yah ha ha ha.
Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck.
Go ahead and laugh! But you won't be laughing when the Fbi confirms what I've been telling you.
We are not alone.
Whoo-ooh! Whoo-Ooh! Hey, Don, uh, I gotta tell you something.
Can it wait, Tommy? I got a date with the Fbi.
Well, then, no.
No, it can't.
You see, uh, this is pretty funny, heh.
I actually think you're gonna laugh.
It turns out that it was me who destroyed old man Sweeney's field all along.
What? What the hell are you talking about? Well, it's no big deal.
I was just trying to have a little fun, and so it went too far, you know? Oh? Is that so? Well, how do you explain the crop circle and the burn marks? Well, I-- I was running laps with a flaming 2x4 dragging behind me.
You see, I'm a teenager.
I don't know any better.
Not so fast, junior! See ya.
There's one thing you can't explain: it's this! That? Uh-Huh.
Well-- well, this is a-- it's--it's a-- it's a sling-a-rang.
It's a toy.
You know, you you throw it [Clunk] And--and it just lands there on the floor, you know? I'm sure you've seen the commercials for it on Tv.
You know, the little jingle-- sling-a-rang sling-a-rang pick it up and fling that thang of course.
A sling-a-rang in an empty field.
I should've known.
It was you.
It was you all along.
Well, I feel better.
Thanks for listening, Don.
Tommy! There are a lot of rotten kids in a town like Rutherford, but I expected more of you.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson.
Well, I know that must tear you up, Don, considering it could jeopardize your relationship with my gorgeous aunt Sally.
Yup, that's an owie.
But for your own good, I'm gonna have to charge you as an adult.
Oh, does that mean I can rent showgirls? Mmm! What is this? An omelet.
Well, I thought an omelet was runny eggs filled with big chunks of unmelted cheese food.
Yeah, well, live and learn.
What's this? I don't know, but they're yummy.
Hey! Janet! Come here and tell us what we're eating! No, no, no, no.
She's not here.
She went to Dick's office to drop off his lunch.
What? I said she went to Dick's office-- you idiot! If Janet finds out about Albright, we're dead! We've gotta stop her! Let's go! Let's go! Excuse me.
Could you tell-- oh, my god! Look at the cute tuchus on you! Can we help you? I am sure you can.
Well, campus information is-- look at you! Are you looking for somebody? Uh, yes, Dr.
He's my husband.
I didn't know Dr.
Solomon had a wife.
Well, this is my first time out of the house.
Uh, h-he's in the next building.
Thank you.
See you around campus, bubbele.
[Clicks tongue] Come on, Dick.
Who was she? Ok.
I wanted to keep this a surprise.
She was a travel agent.
I was up all night with her planning our honeymoon in Hawaii.
So, once again, what are we waiting for? Let's go! An all-night travel agent? They're the best! Oh, Mary, just picture it.
Just us.
Just the two of us, no one else, by the ocean-- palm trees swaying in the breeze, you sunning yourself in front of me, sensually removing your gauzy dress, your underwire bra, your support panties with the tummy-control panel, and finally your knee-highs all in the glow of a full moon while I play Hawaiian wedding song.
Oh, it does sound nice.
I've got to admit it, Dick, you are full of surprises! Oh, Mary! Oh, Dick! Dick, honey, I brought your lunch! My god.
Janet! I mean-- who are you?! I'm your wife, silly.
She's your what?! His wife.
Nice to meet you.
You're married? Well, uh, not in the way you think.
You told me your wife was dead! That's what she told me! I'm not dead! Your wife is coming! Your wife is coming! Your wife-- son of a bitch! Ohh! Mary! Please! Wait, Mary! We may be too late.
Gee you think? So who's the shiksa? Mary, please, wait.
Mary, you've got to listen.
Mary-- Mary, please stop! I have to tell you something, something that will clear up this whole mess.
I can't wait to hear this.
Here's the absolute truth.
I have a wife.
I'll give you that.
But, Mary, there's something you don't realize.
She doesn't understand me.
Oh, you poor thing.
You're the only woman I love.
Oh, great.
And when I'm with her, all I think about is you.
Where have I heard that before? Oh, I know! Every married man I've ever dated.
How many married men have you dated? Just one, Dick.
You! Because I don't do that.
And you know what else I don't do with married men? Marry them! Hey, hey, hey, congratulations, you two! Oh, Mary.
Look, I'm confused, and you're confused, so let's just stop all this nonsense, go to a motel, and make love.
Oh, come on, Dick.
You're married.
Do you understand? Married.
And you lied about it.
I never want to see your face again.
Hey-- shut up! Well, hi, honey.
How was your day? Oh, how was my day? My life has become a farce! And not a witty little door-slamming, everybody-runs-around farce.
No! A cheerless, lachrymose, dispiriting farce where the only one laughing is a crying mime! Well, at least we have each other.
But I don't love you.
What?! I don't love you! You do too love me.
I am your wife, the person you're supposed to love! Those are the rules! There are no rules! You can feel whatever you want for whoever you want to.
Love's not an assignment.
It just happens! That's earth, baby! So, you mean that I don't have to love you? No.
Oh, my god, that's so great.
Ever since I got here you've been just a huge pain in my purple tube.
Wha-- in fact, there are a lot of things that I don't love about this planet.
This broom this stupid-ass apron these stupid dishes and your family! What's wrong with my family? What's wrong with them? They act like a bunch of people! Well-- but what are you doing? I'm leaving you, darling.
Leaving? W-well, what about your big giant uncle? Well, that will have to be our big giant secret.
Oh, thank you, Janet.
I mean, jeez, if I get to pick the person I'm in love with, I'm gonna get somebody really good-looking! Oh! I'm gorgeous.
I mean, I saw these guys today at the school, and they were just unbelievably beautiful! I mean, they had all these muscles.
Well, I have muscles.
No, I mean real muscles! And they were young, and they were hard, and they had all their hair, even right here.
Huh! Hair is very overrated.
It takes away from the size of your face.
Well, don't take it personally, Dick.
I mean, you just said yourself that you don't love me.
Now, which way's Vegas? But, Janet, it's a big world out there.
Where will you go? What will you do? Oh, don't worry about me, Dick.
We'll always have Rutherford.
Bye, Janet.
Bye, Janet.
What? Janet's leaving? Yes.
Noooo! Janet, don't go! I don't believe it.
The fake mother of my phony son.
I've been dumped by my wife and my fiancee in the same day.
Ohh! What about me? I've lost a live-in maid, a cook, a gardener, a chauffeur, and an electrician.
I loved her! Aww! Well, look on the bright side, Dick.
With Janet out of the way, maybe you'll get another shot at Albright.
You think? Probably no.
But, hey, at least there's still the three of us.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Hey, wait.
Didn't there used to be four of us? Ohh, yeah! Officer Don called.
"Tommy's in jail.
" Jail?! Jail?! Jail?! Waagh! Waagh! Waagh! Get him out! Get him out of jail! You idiots! Don, where's Tommy? Oh, you're too late.
Whoa! You killed Tommy?! No, I let him go.
You let Tommy go to his death?! Waagh! Hey, Harry.
Aah! Ohh! He's alive.
Oh, huh sorry.
Nice tie.
What did they do to you? It was pretty scary.
As a juvenile, I could've spent 200 hours cleaning up other people's trash on the highway.
But I wanted to teach him a lesson, so I charged him as an adult.
What does that mean? I got a $40 fine.
Where'd you get $40? I paid it.
Damn the system! Thanks, Don.
I owe youbig.
Harry, grab the, uh-- uh, the sling-a-rang.
The what? The sling-a-rang? Remember? You've seen it advertised on the fusion chamberlain show.
Yes, I have.
I gotta see that show.
[Tapping on door] [Doorbell ringing] It's me.
What do you want? Janet's gone forever, Mary.
She's gone.
We're divorcing.
She's not around to ruin our lives anymore.
This isn't about her, Dick.
She didn't lie to me.
She's not the one who didn't tell me about her! Mary, I wanted to.
What else is there, Dick? Dick? [Gasps] There is something else, isn't there? And you can't tell me, can you? Ohh! Good-bye, Dick.
I'm sorry.
So I guess there's no way you would ever marry me.
Dick, right now there's no way I'd even carpool with you.
Wellwhat if your car breaks down? I'd rent.
I'd walk.
Well, there are no cars available.
What? In the worst snowstorm in 50 years? I'd take a bus.
You would never take a bus! You're right.
Then I'd carpool with you.
Dick: yes! You know, I gotta say, there are things I'm gonna miss about Janet.
Especially the way she made food you could eat.
She had a gift.
What are you gonna miss most about Janet, Dick? Oh, I'm gonna miss the amazingly nutty complications she added to my life.
Nothing, you idiot! You know, Dick, we're all real sorry about Mary.
Kind of.
Oh, I'm not worried.
When we first came here, Mary hated me, and I won her over.
I can do it again.
You really think so? Of course.
She won't be able to stay away for long, not with an album full of naked pictures of me.
She has naked pictures of you?! Not yet.
Harry, get the camera.
Captioned by the national thanks.
A photo album? [Chuckles] [Gasps] Oh, my god! [Interested] Oh, my god.
That's my teddy!