3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Stuck with Dick

Uh, excuse me.
I'm looking for something light and understated, yet capable of catapulting me back into the snowy bosom of my true love.
Ah.
Chardonnay beaulieu? Uh, no.
Mary Albright.
I'll look around for you.
Uh, be sure it goes with ham.
Better check the bottle, Dick.
Some of this stuff's over a year old.
Oh, Dick, this is so nice.
Planning a surprise romantic encounter for someone who hates your guts.
That's where you're wrong, Tommy.
Mary admitted that she still has feelings for me, which is why I must act quickly to regain her love and trust-- excuse me! Do you carry Spanish fly? God, Dick.
Why don't you just grab some microwave burritos and a couple of tall boys and go for it? You don't know the first thing about entertaining.
Yeah.
First ya gotta get some friends.
Yeah.
Good luck with that, miss personality.
Shut up, butt rash.
I'm workin' on it.
Oh, how I miss the days of furtive looks across the office, passing notes in faculty meetings.
Oh, and the groping was always nice.
If things were so great, why were you making our lives miserable with your constant whining and complaining? [Whining] Was not! Was so! Was so! Well, if I did, it was probably because I was filled with so much bliss, I didn't know where to shove it.
Trust me, after my romantic overtures, our toothbrushes will be hanging bristle to bristle by morning.
I say he's home by 7:00 with that toothbrush in his eye socket.
Ooh.
Look at the studious schoolgirl, all alone up in the rare books room.
Well, I'm the big, bad professor, and I'm disappointed in your grades! Not now.
I'm in a rush.
I'm just kidding, Mary.
Actually, it's me--Dick.
Uh, Dick, are you here for a reason? I'm here because, well, remember how you said that you still had feelings for me? Oh, I knew that would come back and bite me in the ass.
I thought I would act on those feelings and whisk you away for a romantic interlude.
But first, a getting-to- re-Know-you champagne toast and then we'll hike over to the reservoir for a moonlit picnic.
I have plans! You think I'm gonna drop everything for a little champagne? Not a littlea lot.
I don't have time.
It's not that easy to erase the past.
Well, why would you want to erase the past? Think back, Mary.
Don't you remember the romance? The laughter? The fighting? The screaming? The endless nights of lovemaking? The endless parade of humiliations, interspersed with random acts of insanity! It's after 7:00.
They've turned the elevators off.
I'll have to walk down the stairs.
Oh, no! Oh, we're locked in! We could be here all night! All alone! Just the two of us! We're locked in.
We could be here all night.
All alone, just the two of us.
Noooo! Hey.
What's goin' on? Oh, we're getting ready to console Dick.
He's gonna be devastated once Albright gives him the boot.
Yeah.
Poor bastard.
Well, he should have been home by now.
I mean, I've been rejected by lots of girls.
It only takes a minute.
God, do you think something terrible happened to him? Well, she probably just took him back.
That's what I meant! We've gotta stop him! He could be hanging his toothbrush at her house right now.
Let's go! Don't you think we're being kind of selfish here? No.
Let's go! What the hell are you doing? I'm looking for a secret passageway out of here.
But be ready.
We might encounter a Nazi.
Or even a mummy! Dick, you got us into this.
You could at least do something constructive! Yeah.
All right.
All right.
Hello-oooh! [Echo] Hello-oooh! You see?! There are other people here! We're trapped! [Echo] We're trapped! Great! They're trapped, too.
Every man for himself.
I don't believe this.
Oh, come on, Mary.
We'll just have to wait till they rescue us tomorrow morning.
The library's closed tomorrow.
The library's closed on Saturday? Dick, this is not a good school! Wait a minute.
I'm having a Tupperware party tomorrow, and Nina's gonna be there.
She'll put 2 and 2 together when she realizes I'm not there, and she'll come get me! And me?! Whatever.
Wellthat's a cause for celebration.
[Light bulb shatters] How romantic.
Pour the damn champagne! [Pounding on door] Sally: open up, Dick! We're not gonna let you do this! Hello? Ok.
Spread out.
I'll check upstairs.
I'll check the basement.
There is no basement.
Ah.
Then my work is done.
I'm on a 5, people.
There's nothing down here! Sally: oh! Oh, my god! What, did you walk in on them? No.
I think I just ate a bath oil bead! Hey, does anybody remember Albright having little, tiny hands? No, not really.
Why? Well, look at the size of these sandwiches.
Her whole refrigerator is full of trays of tiny food.
Wow.
I bet I could fit, like, I'll take that bet.
I'm in.
Both, chanting: do it! Go! Go! Go! Go! Well, things could be worse.
I mean, if I'm going to be trapped with someone, I'm sure glad it's you.
At least with you, I know that, no matter how hungry you get, I'm not going to wake up to find you gnawing at my leg.
Right, Mary? I'm beginning to think you planned this all along.
Actually, my plan was for us to be doing it right now.
Under a pine tree by the reservoir.
On the ground?! Not on the ground.
I brought newspaper.
Entertainment section, Mary.
That's you.
Wow.
Albright's got such cool stuff.
I wonder how come she never invites me over.
Because you're a freakin' moose, that's why.
Hey! You guys gotta try this electric ear swab! Oh! They're back! Ok! Pretend we just got here! Ass right there, freezehole! Don, what are you doing here? Albright's silent alarm went off.
Well, I didn't hear anything.
We thought there might be a break-in.
Well, no one's broken in since we broke in.
You broke in? What, do you think Albright gave us the key? B-but breaking and entering, that's a crime.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
You shouldn't be here! I should arrest you! Oh, come on, Don.
Can't you look the other way just this once? No, I'm afraid I can't, Sally.
I--well, just this once.
Butyou can't stay here! We'll leave right away, Don.
Thanks.
It's Ok, Rico! It was just Araccoon.
Ok, you guys, you heard him.
We gotta get outta here.
Whoa! Check out pay per view! Oh, what's on? I don't know.
Sounds good.
[Drunkenly] I remember the first time I saw you.
You walked in like cock of the walk.
You knew what you wanted, and you took it! Just like a cat takes what does a cat take? Cat food? That's it.
Hahahaha [Drunkenly] I remember when I first saw you, Mary Albright.
I thought you were a fireball.
You sure have my number.
I know.
I stole it from Nina's Rolodex.
I have a confession to make.
I was the one who kept calling and saying, "hello, fireball.
" I knew it was you all along! I'll tell you one thing.
What? I made you earn it.
That's Mary Albright! I don't just give it away.
Anymore.
Hey, morning.
Oh, man what did I miss? We watched beastmaster's revenge 3 more times.
And you didn't wake me up?! Well, what's on next? English patient.
Yeah, me, too.
Oh, I'm out.
Yeah.
[Doorbell rings] Get back! Take your positions! Wait a minute.
I don't think it's them.
What makes you so sure? Why would she ring her own doorbell? Good thinking.
Hi.
You must be Mary Albright.
Uhyeah.
Sure.
Otherwise, I'd be this person who broke in and was hanging around, even though the police told me to leave, so I'm Suzy martin from Tupperware? So, Mary, today's your big party, huh? My party? Yeah.
I have all your display items out in the car.
Well, say, you're a big fella.
Want to give me a hand? Hey, Mary, remember, it's your party, and you can coast, or you can host.
Let's go.
This is odd.
Tommy, do you know what this means? No, Mary.
What? I'm hosting my first party.
[Barking] Wake up.
Wake up! Oh huh? Dick did we did we what? You know.
I-I'm not sure.
I think we did! I'm not sure.
You do? Maybe we did! Hey! Ooh! You know what this means?! No! We're back together! Just you and me, kid! No.
No! We're an item! Noo! Noo! Somebody get me out of here! Dick, I want to make myself perfectly clear.
We are not together again.
Whatever happened last night if it did shouldn't have! Well, I just want to say that if it did happen it was glorious.
How do I let these things happen to me?! Why are you resisting, Mary?! We've always been great together.
Were we even in the same relationship?! I mean, every time I think I have a handle on you, you spring a new and disturbing surprise on me! You noticed? Come on.
Maybe we can find something heavy to break the lock.
Oh, look! There's an air vent! Yes, and there's a lamp.
Let's try to stay focused, Mary.
It might lead somewhere.
It's worth a try.
Ah, my brave little Mary.
You're magnificent.
You know that.
I won't try to stop you.
No, no.
No, you wouldn't want me to.
That's the adventurous spirit and intrepid pluck that I've-- get in the vent! Dick: oh, god! Ow.
Ow! Ow! Ooh! Come on, Mary.
I made it.
You can do it.
Come on.
Rappel.
Rappel.
You are such a fool! Need I remind you that it was this fool who suggested that we use your pantyhose as a lifeline? Let's just get out of here.
Oh! Oh mother ofpearl! [Crying] Don't lose hope, Mary.
If you cry, I'll cry, and--and--and who'll stop me from crying?! Oh, don't try to hug me! I'm not.
There's a big, dead spider in your hair.
Waaaahhh! I told a lie.
He's still alive.
Waaahh! Hey, Tommy.
Where's Dr.
Albright? Well, we're not sure, but we think she's having sex with Dick.
Oh, my god! What is she thinking? What's she thinking? What's he thinking? Ok.
Can we just agree that they're both idiots? Yeah! So nobody noticed that Dr.
Albright isn't here? Oh, well, we didn't want to spoil the mood, so we told them all that her parents died.
Well, maybe I ought to help out.
Uhno, that won't be necessary.
Ladies, I've got chills.
If you like the carrot keeper, you'll think this next item is the cat's whiskers! I give to you the super snack tube! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I know! I know! This slick little number was designed for you moms with little ones whose mouths always need feedin'.
Hungry kids? Hey, no problem! Car, park, or pool, you'll always be ready.
I'm no mom, but I've got a mouth, and I want one! Oh, put me down for 2! Ooh! You know what I smell? [Sniffs] A bargain! And I'm gonna go get it.
What is this place, anyway? I think it's the chancellor's ballroom.
NoI don't.
I think it's some kind of a storage closet.
Hardy boys novels updated textbooks-- why don't they just throw this junk out? Well, I'll just throw out these hardy boys books.
Oh, my god! This is my thesis! I spent 2 years of my life writing this, and they keep it in here?! Well, then, this must be the archives! It's in the bottom of a boxed marked "sugar puffs"! This was good, damn it! And they keep it in here? Oh, and look! In 15 years , it was checked out once! Once I'm so sorry, Mary.
I don't know what to say.
Champagne? Thanks for having me, Sally.
It was a great party.
It was a hoot, wasn't it? Bye-bye.
Look at all this loot! I know.
I must say, I love my new chip sombrero.
Hold on there, compadre.
I called dibs on the chip sombrero a half-hour ago, along with the hamburger hopper.
Hamburger hopper? Everyone knows that goes with the bun hutch, and you ain't gettin' that.
Wait.
The bun hutch is in the countertop collection.
My countertop collection! Well, now you're talkin' crazy.
Shut up! Enough! You know what? It was my party.
I'm calling the shots.
We helped! Oh, we helped! I carried this baby on my back! I threw the Tupperware party of the season! I'm the one who decides who gets what, and nobody touches Nothin'! No, Sally.
That ain't right.
We were all in this together! Partners! Equal partners, equal shares! Just cool down here.
Why don't you guys go in the kitchen and get yourself something to eat? Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't ya? And when we get back, what do ya know? The bun hutch is gone! Hey, hey, wait a minute! I wouldn't do ya like that.
I just thought maybe you'd like some mini pizza bagels.
Bagels? Bagels?! We don't need no stinking bagels! Wow.
I know.
3 in a row.
Damn! When I wrote this, I was so young and ambitious.
I was so full of dreams.
And you know what else? I was so full of crap! This is what I thought was good?! This belongs in here! It belongs in the garbage! Oh, I know how you feel.
Oh, you can't know how I feel! I know what it's like to be betrayed by your memories.
I remembered our relationship as being all rosy, but it turns out it was one long nightmare.
It wasn't all bad.
A lot of it was, but some of it was Ok.
You mean it? Yeah.
Well, what you wrote about the Mayan subculture in chapter 11 was really wonderful.
You read my thesis.
You're the one who checked it out! Of course I was.
I even kept it an extra week.
I got $3.
00 in fines.
Then you liked it? Yeah, it was good.
Maybe not $3.
00 good, but good.
So it was you.
What a nice surprise.
You see? It isn't so bad being stuck here with me, is it? I guess not.
What's that smell? Oh, I was afraid we'd get lost, so I left a trail of blue cheese in the vent, and I guess the heater just kicked in.
Oh! [Gagging] Champagne? Wild weekend, huh? We were in the library.
Mmm.
Is that so? Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.
We were locked in the whole time.
Look, I don't need to know.
What you do on the weekend is your business.
Which was spend it locked in the library.
Uh-huh, and is that why you smell like cheap champagne? It may have been cheap, but there was lots of it.
Whatever.
Nina, cancel my classes.
I'm going to spend about 6 hours in the tub.
So does this mean that the two of you-- I don't know what this means.
All I know is that this weekend made me realize a few things, and I've got to admit, he is charming in his way.
In his way? Well, he's full of surprises, and as much as I thought I'd hate that, I guess it's fun to be surprised.
Oh, uh, by the way, Nina, I'm going to class.
See if you can beat the cheese stink out of these pants.
Surprise! Captioned by the national well, I don't understand these charges.
I did not watch beastmaster's revenge 4 times.
I don't even know what a beastmaster is! Well, that does sound intriguing, but I didn't order it.
And what is ultimate warrior bloodbath '98? Oh, wait.
I did order that.