3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Power Mad Dick

Hello, Lucy.
Hmm.
That's a new tip cup, isn't it? Yes.
I thought so.
Good-bye.
How in the world did she get the nickname sunshine? I was joking, Dick.
Oh, that's clever.
What I'm about to say may be repeated to no one.
What is it? I was in the chancellor's office, and they were discussing the vacancy left by Dean Sumner.
Mary, I have it on excellent authority that you have been selected as the new Dean of the school of arts and sciences.
Me?!! Shh! Me? You.
I'm the new Dean? You're the new Dean.
You're the new Dean.
Remember, not a word to anyone.
Watch out, you idiot! You've just bumped into the new Dean! and coca-cola classic me, too, pumpkin.
I can't wait.
Bye.
Oh, so you're seeing Don tonight? Seein' him? I'm losin' my virginity to him.
I can come back.
Oh, no you don't.
You just fix that thing.
Sally, this is gonna be a night you'll remember for the rest of your life.
You know, I'll never forget the night that I lost my virginity to, uh oh, what's-her-name over at the place.
Magic! Yes, it's a special time.
Do you know what you're going to be wearing? Not a lot.
You know what I'm Sayin', uh, uh what's your name? You know what I'm Sayin', Freddy? I think so.
You know, Sally, sex isn't always all it's cracked up to be.
How would you know? I don't.
Well, Dubcek's my expert.
This little lady told me she lost her virginity 14 times, huh? Wait.
Is that possible? No, but a girl's got to be mindful of her reputation.
Well, Sally, we knew that this time would come someday, so we wanted to make sure that you had protection.
See ya.
Oh, uh, Nina now that you're going to Mary's new office and leaving me, I want to wish you luck and tell you I've never been happy with your work.
And now that I'm leaving, I want you to know you can kiss my black behind.
Hello, Mary.
Oh, Dick, you don't have to call me Dean.
I didn't.
I said, "hello, Mary.
" Oh, good.
Because nothing's changed.
I'm still Mary.
It's just that I got a major promotion to a position of genuine authority, so if you'd wanted to call me Dean, I'd understand, but you don't have to.
I didn't.
Good.
This office is amazing, Mary.
Yeah.
I especially like your new ceramic fish.
What is that? It's a gift.
You know what would go beautifully with that? This.
Oh, you have such a good eye.
I'll go get the rest of my stuff.
Good.
I'll give you a hand.
Smell this one.
Ahh! Mmm! Ok, now, smell it on.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop smelling her! Hi, Don.
Sally, what are you doing? Oh, I got some great stuff for tonight.
Look, almond body lotion.
I'm gonna smell like a big almond.
Almonds are good.
Yeah.
Oh, and check this one out.
When you blow on it, it gets hotter.
Whoo! Yeah.
Sally, Sally, could you come over here? Oh, sure, I'll just um-- hey, you don't have any venereal diseases, do you, Don? No! Good 'cause I'm lookin' forward to tonight, but not that much.
Will you go away?! Sally, I appreciate your comin' down here, but, you know, until the clock strikes 5:00, I'm still on duty.
Ah, tahuh I also got this for tonight.
Rico, I'm takin' a personal day.
But the shift's over in 10 minutes.
I said I'm takin' a personal day.
Aah! My office is so empty without you.
Well how about a new couch to brighten things up? Can you do that? Oh, sure.
Just call the warehouse and tell them Dean Albright said you could have a new couch.
And maybe a chair? Sure.
And some sporty throw pillows to add a splash of color? Make it so! Oh, this is unreal.
And my girlfriend's the Dean! My girlfriend's the Dean! I'm the Dean! Phelps, take the day off.
Thank you, Dr.
Solomon.
So, Ron, how are the designs for my office coming? Dick, let me be up front with you.
There are people who are going to tell you not to go Louis xiv.
I'm not those people.
Good.
I hate those people.
Carry on, my good man.
What do you think you're doing? Refilling my drink.
No free refills.
Oh, is that a fact? That's a fact.
Do you know who you're dealing with? Unfortunately.
That's it! By the power vested in me by the Dean of arts and sciences, you're fired! Pack your bags, princess! The free Ride's over.
You are out of here! Fine.
[Chuckling] What's so funny? Oh, if you only knew what you've been eating all this time.
The joke's on you.
I may have eaten it, but never once did I ever keep it down.
[Tango music plays] Yaah-ah! Ugh! [Knock on door] Morning.
Happy? [Snickering] Me, too-ski.
[Humming tango] Surprise! Surprise! So maybe it wasn't the best idea to throw Sally a surprise party.
Tommy, maybe you'd like to lose your virginity without your family jumping out and yelling, but I know I wouldn't.
Oh, Sally, are you Ok? Yeah.
What's for breakfast? We are so proud of your entrance into womanhood that we got you this plaque.
Tommy? "Hats off to you, employee of the week.
" Speech! Speech! Isn't there something you want to tell us about last night? Oh.
Oh uh Ok, uh could ya take the hat off first? Thanks.
Um well, so, I-- I went out and I met Don at the police station, uhuh well, here I am! Ooh! Cereal.
Come on! Hold on a minute, Missy! Aren't you leaving something out? I don't think so.
About losin' your virginity, you big knucklehead? I can't tell you about that.
Well, why not? I don't know.
I just can't.
It's none of your business! Of course it's our business! This is what we do.
This is why we're here on earth.
I told you all about my first night with Mary, every disgusting little detail, no matter how much you begged me to stop.
Yeah, and now it's your turn, so spill! Why do you guys even care so much? Because a--it's real dirty, and b--you won't tell us! It's like the less you tell me, the more I want to know! Well, you're never gonna know.
Oh, now I wanna know even more.
Mary? Oh, Mary? Come to bed, my little tangerine.
I can't.
I'm still working.
But it's late, mutton chop.
I know.
Daddy needs a kiss-kiss.
Well, daddy's not going to get a kiss-kiss 'cause I'm still cleaning up the mess you made with Lucy.
Oh, that.
Dick, she filed a grievance! I had to fire her, Mary.
She flouted our authority.
Our authority? You don't have any authority.
I'm the Dean, not you.
Me.
Me--Dean, you--Boyfriend.
Rawwrr tomorrow morning, you are going to convince her to take her job back.
Why do I have to do it? Oh, you're incredible.
First you give Dr.
Strudwick a raise, then you carpet the men's room.
It was so echoey.
Dick, I have been Dean exactly one day, and, thanks to you, I have already been dressed down by the chancellor.
Fine.
If it will make you feel better, I'll take care of Lucy.
Thank you.
Now will you come to bed, my little wisp of cheesecloth? No, but I'll see you at the office tomorrow.
Ahh! Fine.
So long.
It's my bedroom.
Then I guess it's the couch for you.
Guess again.
Oh! Then it's a fancy hotel room, is it? It's your butt out the door! That's it! I'm leaving! I just kicked you out.
Too bad.
I wasn't listening.
Please let me stay.
Out! That's it! I'm leaving! [Thinking] Dear diary, I'm so confused.
I've always been able to tell you everything, so, here it goes last night-- last night Don and I-- we-- why are you being so nosy? Why can't you just leave me alone? What do you think Don did to her? I don't know, but I think it's time we found him and opened up a little can of whup-ass.
Hello, boys.
Why don't you save the sweet talk for the ladies, Don? Yeah.
Did you think we wouldn't know? Did you think we wouldn't find out? Stupid! What's the matter? Is Sally Ok? She's a mess! And we want to know why.
Well, what did she tell you? Nothin'.
That's the problem.
Well, how do you know something's wrong? Because she tells us everything about you.
The way you wear your hat the way you sip your tea, the way your smile just beams, the way you sing off-key.
No, no.
Yes! She tells us everything, and you can't take that away from me.
I would never do anything to harm Sally.
I love her.
Oh, yeah? Well, then, why isn't she talkin'? I don't know! That's her business! Why, I oughta--Ok.
All right, we'll play the little game your way.
But, remember, we're watchin' you, 24 hours a day.
I thought we were gonna go see a movie.
Shh! Eh! Eh! Lucy, please, sit down.
I summoned you here because there seems to have been a little misunderstanding.
Somehow you got the impression that I fired you.
Ha ha ha! Oh, you mean like when you said, "pack your bags, princess, the free ride is over"? Well, I'm not saying the misunderstanding is entirely your fault.
Let's try another approach.
Cut the bull, doc.
You want me to drop my grievance so you can get your sorry butt off the chopping block.
Ahh, poor thing.
I see the mashed potato fumes have gone to your brain.
What? Look, things happened that maybe shouldn't have happened.
I'm not here to place blame.
But I'm sure we can reach an agreement just as soon as you substantially change your attitude.
[Chuckling] I don't have to change my attitude for you.
Ok! I tried to give you a second chance, but you blew it! Out you go! You're fired! You can't fire me.
You don't have the power.
Oh, I don't, do I not? No, you don't! And you never did.
Now, isn't that right? Please, let there be an earthquake.
Let there be an earthquake.
Pardon me.
I gotta make a call to my lawyer.
Oh! Oh ho ho ho ho! So you're gonna cut me out of your will, are you? Well, I can do the same! You're out! I am so screwed.
Sally.
Don.
I've been goin' nuts.
Are you all right? Oh, Don I've never been happier in my life.
I just wish I could enjoy it, but I can't because I'm too busy freakin' out! Why? Well, it's like you know when you buy a new pair of stiletto heels? Well, go on.
And they're really great, and everybody says they're really great, and "why don't you just get 'em? They're so great.
" So you finally take the plunge, and you love 'em.
They're perfect, and they're surprisingly comfortable, but then all of a sudden you realize, "what have I done? I'm up so high, "and what's up ahead of me? "The world is full of escalators and heating grates and sod, and what if I'm not able to handle all that?" Well, Sally, you're so tall, you could just wear flats.
I guess I just didn't realize what an impact losing my virginity would have on my life.
Losing your virgin-- hokey smokes! You didn't know? No, Sally, I I'm honored it was me.
Ieh heh heh I guess if you've never been with anyone else, then you can't fully appreciate how magnificent a lover I really am.
I can imagine.
Oh, you are a lucky girl, Sally! A lucky, lucky girl.
I know.
That's why I wanted to shout it from the mountain tops! But when I got home, I couldn't tell anybody.
That's Ok.
Have you told anybody we did it? Oh, sure, tons of people, but that was months ago.
But not since we actually did it? Of course not.
What kind of heel do you think I am? This information is only for members of the Sally-Don club.
There are only 2 members.
You and me, Don? Me and you.
Can Tommy join? No.
Good.
Because there's a part of me that feels like if anybody else found out about it, it'll stop being our thing, and I don't ever want it to stop being that.
It never will.
I'm so glad we had this talk.
Anytime you want to, uh talk you just see me.
Sometimes I just like to lie back and let you do the talkin'.
So you like to, uh listen, do you? [Giggling] Yeah.
Ooh! Ha ha ha.
Do you? Yeah.
Well, that's good.
'Cause I'll talk your brains out! Talk to me, Don! Talk to me! The man's an idiot.
He really is.
Why are you even seeing him? Well, it's hard to meet nice guys.
Ehtell me about it.
So, Lucy, will you drop the suit and take your job back at the cafeteria? After the trauma I suffered there? I could never work in the cafeteria again.
Why? I'm frightened.
Ok, what'll it take? Nina, what are you doing? I'm working for you again, and if you think you weren't satisfied with my work before, just wait till you see all the typos and lost messages you've got comin' your way! Ohh! You! Can I help you? I have to see Mary.
Not so fast, doc.
She's a very busy woman.
Sit down and wait your turn! Mary! Lucy, tell whoever it is I'm busy.
Mary, it's me! Tell him I know who it is.
You'll have to wait.
Can you get me some water? No.
How about some cabbage soup and mashed potatoes? No! and coca-cola classic power is a funny thing.
Yeah.
So are rubber pencils.
Mary has power.
I have Mary.
Mathematically, I should have power.
But, as it turns out, all I have is the power to make her angry at me which is still a pretty good power.
You know, sometimes it's nice to give up power.
Really? Yeah.
I don't always have to be the take-charge lieutenant.
I mean, sometimes I can let somebody else have control.
Letting yourself be vulnerable, it opens you up to a whole new world of experience.
Tell usmore.
No.
It was worth a shot.
I really thought you had her that time.