8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Jamali Maddix, Rachel Riley, Sara Pascoe, Tom Davis

1 APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats You do the maths - it's Rachel Riley! Wham, bam, thank you, Jam - it's Jamali Maddix.
And their team captain, Rob Beckett.
And facing them tonight, straight out of Successville, it's Tom Davis.
Que Sara, Sara - it's Sara Pascoe.
And their team captain, Aisling Bea.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 40% of Britons have trouble getting to sleep.
Not my girlfriend - she can fall asleep at the drop of a trouser.
20% of British OAPs are unhappy.
We don't know about the other 80%, because no-one's visited in a while.
And, according to scientists, ironing burns 157 calories an hour.
That can't be true - otherwise, why is your mum so fat? Right, let's get started! CHEERING What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most popular talking points.
Aisling's team, what do you think the nation have been talking about? Well, I'd say it's our dear old pal in America, Lord Trump the Evil.
He has fired James Comey, who is head of the FBI, for investigating Trump into what was some probably dodgy dealings with Russia, and so now he's fired him in quite a dramatic way and I'd say even Kim Jong-un is a bit like, "Come on, mate! This is a bit bad!" The guy found out on the news.
He found out on the news, he's the head of the FBI! He's a spy! He also thought it was a prank, but I actually like the idea that it would have been a prank and Trump would have just phoned him an hour later going, "Errrgh!" I think Trump misses The Apprentice and just wants to fire someone on telly again.
He wrote this really weird letter and said, "It's definitely, definitely nothing to do with Russia, "and thank you, thank you, thank you for not investigating me.
"I'm not being investigated, not being investigated "You're fired.
Nothing to do with that.
Have fun.
" He's basically doing the political equivalent of, like, "Hey, guys, look over there! Oooh!" Whatever country, it's always Russia, isn't it? That Putin's a right nosy bastard, isn't he? If he was your next-door neighbour, he'd be popping his head over the fence, wouldn't he? I used to live next door to Putin and he's, like, "Oh, got a new barbecue, have you? Yeah?" "You can see it, cos you're standing on yours looking at my new one!" What do you think, Jamali? It's just, since the controversy came out and they asked Edward Snowden's opinion, it's just, like, they're always asking Edward Snowden's opinion.
OK, we get it, Edward's got an opinion, but they ask him about everything.
Next they'll be, like, "So what do you think of Kim Kardashian?" It doesn't matter what he thinks any more.
That said, what do you think? LAUGHTER I asked what you thought and you went, "I don't care what Edward Snowden thinks!" There's a reason I haven't booked him on the show! I've got YOU, I care what YOU think! What do YOU think? Stop passing the buck! It's just Edward Snowden, because everyone, like Stop talking about Edward Snowden! No-one gives him shit and he deserves to be given some shit sometimes.
So, Sarah, what do you make of Donald Trump? Do you know what? I don't like him.
They said to him, "Oh, look, we've read through all of Hillary Clinton's e-mails and "there's nothing there that breaks the law," and he was, like, "Nope, you didn't have time to read them.
" No-one's reading them all, are they? There's too many, isn't it? I can't get through mine.
I'm having a row with Caroline from Hungryhouse at the moment.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE They make up a name on Hungryhouse and it always goes, message from Caroline, "Hi, Rob, do you fancy something to eat?" You're not real, Caroline! You're an algorithm, Caroline, stop pretending like we bonded over half a chicken once! AISLING: I feel sorry for James Comey, though, because how can he get another job now as a spy now that he's famous? Which also brings me to, why is James Bond known as a great spy? "Hello, I'm Bond, James Bond Oh, God, I'm not supposed to tell anyone that.
" ROB: They keep changing his face, though, don't they, with actors? AISLING: That's true.
Oh, that's why! - Are you in the running for Bond? - No! You'd make an amazing Bond.
I don't, I look like someone tried to make Daniel Craig and I turned out.
"Shall we put it in the microwave? Oh, no!" "Can I have a martini anyway? I'm dying here!" I'd be an awful spy on the basis that everyone would see me coming.
I literally wouldn't be able to hide, would I? I'd walk into somewhere and they'd go, "That bloke was in the market yesterday.
" Do you look different without your glasses? I mean, yeah, this is as disguised as I could go.
- Can I try on your glasses? - Yes.
- Would I make a good spy? Cos this is all it takes sometimes.
People are, like, "Hey, Aisling Who the hell are you?!" - I want to vomit you're so blind.
- I know.
OK, let's have a look and see if Trump is up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's Donald Trump firing the head of the FBI.
This is the most shocking thing Trump has done since well, lunchtime.
Rob's team, what have the nation been talking about? - Is it the old - SNAPS FINGERS - .
.
election? The oldsnap election? They make it sexy and cool, don't they? Snap! Snap - election time! - It's an election! - I think Rob's having a breakdown.
I thought a snap election was when both of them thought about it at the same time.
"Snap! Oh, hey!" I don't think there should have been an election in the first place, because Theresa May called one on the basis that the Government is divided, but that's the whole point of democracy - you have to have some sort of opposition.
You can't just ring up Wimbledon and say, "Do you know what? "Andy Murray's been hitting that ball over that net and every time, "someone hits it back.
We've got to get rid of the other side.
" There's supposed to be people to go against.
ROB: You know the new leader of Ukip? What's, erm Theresa May LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE She's going, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, like, she's started to nick Ed Miliband's policies.
"We've got to keep energy prices down now.
" It's only because if it's a cold winter, they lose half their voters, do you know what I mean? She was on The One Show with her husband this week and it did make me question quite a lot of things about my life, cos they talked about her shoes and I instantly saw them and I knew they were from Russell & Bromley, and, until that moment, I thought Russell & Bromley was cool.
I really liked her husband on it.
I thought what he wore, like, really flattered his figure and his curves, I thought it was really We've got a clip of them on The One Show, talking about their relationship.
Check this out.
How hard is it to win a negotiation with your wife? That's a good question.
- Well, there's give and take in every marriage, isn't there? - Of course.
I get to decide WHEN I take the bins out, not IF I take the bins out.
- There's boy jobs and girl jobs, you see.
- What boy and girl jobs? I definitely do the taking the bins out.
I do the traditional boy jobs, by and large.
It's really terrible.
I mean, obviously, cos so many people are gay and in gay relationships and they just don't take the bins out! They just live on this landfill! "Neither of us can do it, our boobs will get in the way!" It is so stupid.
My wife, number one, does what he'd deem man jobs, cos I'm terrible at anything, so she does DIY, everything.
- What do you bring to your marriage? - Nothing.
- Wow.
Do you want to hear the romance of how they got together? Just take a look at them on The One Show talking about how they met.
Right, we're going to talk about your partnership now, cos this is what everybody wants to know.
So you were introduced to each other at Oxford Uni, weren't you? So we'll go in turn, Philip first.
First impressions of your wife-to-be.
"What a lovely girl.
" And she still is.
- Philip, did you fancy her instantly? - Absolutely.
- Excellent.
No, it was, it was love at first sight, absolutely.
Oh, he is crying on the inside.
LAUGHTER Like, every two seconds, he was like, "Save me, save me!" - I thought they came across really well in this interview.
- Did you? I honestly thought they were really charming and even in this interview they had the thing about, "Oh, yes, she's a very difficult woman.
" I think she comes across quite sweet sometimes and then I remember that she thought it was all right that nurses used foodbanks.
- You're a Labour supporter, you're a member of the party, right? - Yes.
- Do you think he's got any chance of winning? - I like him.
Yeah, but do you think he's got a chance of winning? Honestly, I find politics so confusing and every time someone says that someone is unelectable recently, they have won.
I think the thing about Corbyn is, right, you can look at, like, the media against him and all of his policies getting leaked, but you look at him, he's just like a silly, old bastard.
He kind of looks like your auntie's new boyfriend.
He has that sort of vibe of just, like, "Oh, are you bringing Jeremy back for dinner?" I sort of judge it a bit like this.
I think when you were a kid at school, the Mays', you'd have gone round there for tea and they'd have looked at you and gone WHISPERS: ".
.
we don't really like him.
" And I think Jeremy Corbyn would have given you a chance.
The way I look at it is, Stormzy likes Jeremy Corbyn, so I'm going to vote for Jeremy Corbyn.
Jeremy Corbyn's upped his game this week, but it feels a bit too late.
He's come out with some amazing stuff about zero-hour contracts and not selling arms to Saudi and all this kind of stuff, but I feel a bit like he's had a Viagra at the end of the orgy when people are pulling on their jeans, asking for a glass of water from the host, like, it just feels like a little too late.
I would agree with you until, didn't he just, in the last couple of days, run over a BBC reporter? I think we're about to see vengeance Jeremy! I just feel that he's offering so many things, that he wants to scrap tuition fees that Labour put in to start with and he's offering money for NHS It's like he's skipping through a field of flowers, just tossing stuff around, where he can't actually get any of it done and he's got Diane Abbott saying - Oh, God.
- .
.
he's going to pay all these police people £30 a head.
Why don't we have a little look at Diane Abbott in action? So how much would 10,000 police officers cost? DIANE: 'Well, if we recruit the 10,000 policemen and women 'over a four-year period, we believe it'll be about £300,000.
' £300,000? - 'Sorry' - 10,000 police officers? What are you paying them? No, I mean - Sorry - How much will they cost? They will cost STUDIO LAUGHTER They will It will cost .
.
umabout .
.
about £80 million.
- She is rubbish, though, isn't she? - Yeah, terrible.
She thinks the election's on the 49th of July.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Also, I'll tell you what about her, she's bloody good at hiding.
Can you see her in that? Where is she?! OK, well, let's have a look and see if the general election is up there.
Yes! The general election campaign.
The Tories have pledged to cut migration, presumably by making the country so shit no-one wants to come here.
I know he's got his critics, but I think Corbyn is the man for the job, as long as that job is running an organic hummus store at an artisanal food fair.
Corbyn is soft on defence, soft on law and order and hard on Diane Abbott.
They used to do 69ers or, as Diane Abbott called it, 63 and a half.
GROANING LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Fingers on buzzers - what else have the nation been talking about? Oh, the Russians are invading Britain's Got Talent.
Yes, so this is a Russian contortionist act caused controversy when they arrived on Britain's Got Talent.
Take a look at them, though, they're pretty impressive.
DRAMATIC MUSIC CHEERING You know when you watch something? You know when you watch something and you're, like, "Ah, yeah, I could do that," then you're like, "No, no, I couldn't.
" I feel like we could Sara, just let me under there for a second.
All right, then.
I feel like it's easy enough to pretend you can, like LAUGHTER Ta-da! I think that's what's going on there, they just cut around it.
Your shoe was so red and beaky it look like something from The Muppets.
"Oh, hello, friend, how are you?" SHE QUACKS "Oh, all right, OK then, bye!" So Ireland's got no talent.
- I'll tell you who's got the most talent on Britain's Got Talent.
- Go on.
Amanda Holden's agent.
She does nothing else! What's the last thing she did apart from that? Les Dennis? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You were in one of the acts, weren't you, Tom? - I've got a clip here and I'm pretty sure you're in this.
- Oh, God.
# Everybody # Rock your body # Everybody # Rock your body right # Backstreet's back, all right Now throw your hands up in the air BUZZER # And wave 'em around like you just don't care If you want to party, let me hear you scream CHEERING It keeps giving.
It keeps giving.
People complain that other people were, like, professionals.
If you don't get that, that's what you get.
My friends and I, we did karaoke in France and we cleared a whole restaurant full of people singing the Spice Girls.
- Can we have a blast of your singing voice? - No! Hell no.
It's what we want, it's what we really, really want! CHEERING I'm going to do the contortion instead! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Tom, what would your talent be? I'd like to do something a bit sort of I don't know, weightlifting, maybe, or something like that.
- I'd like to fail on Britain's Got Talent.
- But are you strong? What can you lift? I've been bench-pressing life for the last couple of years.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I actually find that more impressive.
Jamali, what would you talent be? Erm, I beat the world record of how long I could spin a pillow on my finger.
And I did it and I applied and I was, like, "I can do this better.
" And they messaged me back saying, "Yeah, but we don't want to accept it.
" - You can spin it? - I can spin a pillow.
So just say, "I don't have any talent.
" - Oh, is that a cushion? - Whoa! CHEERING - I can do that.
- Will that be OK? - I can maybe do it with this.
- Let me see how light it is.
- Is it too light? - It's like a flap of skin! - Is it too light? - Actually, it's too light.
Whoa! CHEERING I've got talent, Jimmy! LAUGHTER - Stupid.
Stupid thing.
- What's up, Jimmy? Eh? Well, I mean Jamali, you are the Susan Boyle of this show.
All right, Jimmy said there was no talent.
Come on, big bollocks.
Ow.
How could this possibly be? Oh, yeah, hold on No, no, that is pretty tricky.
OK, I can tell you Britain's Got Talent is not one of the most talked-about things, but the four-piece Russian contortionist act managed to get four thumbs up.
Well, that is what I call a finale! That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
We're trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points.
OK.
Fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER - OK.
What do you think? - Cheese.
There is a story about cheese.
- What's the story about cheese? - I like cheese.
- And - Yeah.
That's it.
- News just in! Um Apparently, healthy.
So, they are saying that cheese, milk, and yoghurt do not increase the risk of health problems.
Yeah.
Good.
I don't think this is news.
- Jamali, do you eat a lot of cheese, mate? - Not Yeah.
- Like, I do.
I do.
Yeah.
I do eat too much cheese.
It's great news for the cheese industry.
They're dancing on the streets of Cathedral City.
They love it.
APPLAUSE - Tom, how much cheese do you eat in a day? - Tell you what, Jimmy.
I'm trying to lose weight at the moment.
- You look really well, Tom, as well.
- Thank you, Sarah.
Thank you.
That actually means a lot.
- That hat looks loose.
- Yes.
I know.
I lost 3st round me head.
I find the trouble is people keep changing what you can and can't eat.
I've kicked cheese and now people are saying cheese is good for you.
I don't know where I stand, Jim.
- You're a vegan, right, Sarah? - I am.
- Of course.
- But I'm a bad vegan.
- A bad vegan? - Yeah.
- How do you mean "a bad vegan"? Do you mean you go on about it? I don't OK.
I'd All veganism means.
"Oh, please tell us, Sara.
" All it means is you're not supposed to eat or wear anything that comes from animals if they've given up their life, or they've been farmed for it, or whatever.
The reason I'm a really bad vegan is I really love taxidermy.
But it's the same reason for both! I'm a vegan because I love animals and that's why I love taxidermy because you can kiss them and they don't run away.
You also say that animals have given up their life, like it's a choice.
Like they've turned around and gone, "You know what, I want to be eaten.
" Like it's a suicide bomber type thing.
If animals don't want to be eaten, why are they made out of food? Exactly.
APPLAUSE My first boyfriend, he actually wouldn't eat cheese but he'd only eat yellow stuff.
- So he'd only eat, like, chicken nuggets and chips.
- Middle of egg? - I don't think - Middle of egg? If only there was a name for that.
If only there was a name for "middle of egg"! Can you think of a name for "middle of egg"? There is no name for it.
They should have named it! There's no name for it.
Because the outside bit of egg and the middle of egg.
This is my issue with the world.
There's too many names for things.
We don't need another one.
Middle of egg.
We know where we are.
Well, I can tell you, the new study on dairy is not one of the most talked about things this week but if you think cheese doesn't pose a health risk, then you've clearly never tried to peel the foil off a Dairylea triangle in the fast lane of a motorway.
I'm lucky to be here, people.
OK.
Fingers on buzzers.
Another thing to get.
Is it that French election? Well, I think people are dying to know what your view is on the French election.
Macron! - He won.
- Macron.
Yeah, he won.
To be fair, he sounds like an affordable laptop, not a leader.
Macron.
I wouldn't trust a Macron to connect to my wireless printer, not run a country.
And his missus is 24 years older.
Old Nanny Macaroon.
There's been a huge controversy about this.
It's his drama teacher from school.
- Yeah.
- That he's ended up marrying.
So, he's got to bang his old teacher and then now running a country.
He's like living the dream.
It's all right for her going out with someone 24 years younger but, if I do it, I'm a paedo, apparently! - That's because you're 30.
- Yeah, I know.
For legal reasons, I need to point out he didn't sleep with his teacher when he was at school.
Well, also, she is working for his government so the really interesting thing is she's working for him, for free, in charge of education.
What is she going to be saying to the other teachers? Like, flirt.
Flirt hard.
It does make you think differently about all of your old teachers.
So Sister Bernadette, call me.
Tom, what do you think? I know you're not huge on French politics.
I'm not huge on any politics.
But he's a decent looking fella.
Makes me feel a bit of a waster because he's handsome and he's leading the country now.
And he's the same age.
- Oh, is he the same age as you? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- In fairness, though, I think leading France is not right for you.
- No, no.
Do you have any words, kind of, like, Literally, I'm the kind of guy who just walks in somewhere and goes "One beer.
" - All the world.
- So, you don't have a friend? - Huh? - Don't have a friend? - No.
Drinking one beer! Not travelling on your own.
This is the saddest thing I've ever heard, Tom.
Well, let's have a look and see if the French election is up there.
- Waaay! - Yeah! APPLAUSE Yes.
Emmanuel Macron is the new president of France.
People are making a big deal of the fact that Macron's wife is 24 years older than him.
And, yet, nobody's bothered that Melania Trump is sleeping with a man 24 years older than her, apart from Melania Trump.
She's really bothered about it.
So, those were the nation's most popular talking points.
But in other news, Harry Potter star Emma Watson has won a gender neutral award for her role in Beauty And The Beast.
If you don't know what a gender neutral award is, basically, it doesn't matter whether you've got a wand or a Chamber Of Secrets.
I call it "middle of woman".
APPLAUSE Good and simple.
OK, at the end of that round, Rob, Jamali and Rachel have two points.
Aisling, Tom, and Sara have one point.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
- Aisling, Tom, Sara, what do you like the look of? - What do you think, Tommy? - I'm going to go with this alien.
I like the alien.
- OK.
Well, the new Alien film was released on Friday.
So, we asked our studio audience What do you think? - Are we allowed to ask them? - No! We asked them earlier.
I was put off aliens by ET.
I always found he was really needy.
You know what I mean? At first, it'd have been amazing finding ET.
"My God! I found an alien.
That's incredible.
It's so cool.
" And then, literally, like, it was, "Ah, fucking hell, he needs this.
" "He needs that.
He's got to build his fucking spaceship.
" I remember, as kids, we went on the Alien, the ET ride in Disney World.
And we got to sit at the front and these Americans were, like, "And what are your names, honey?" And we were, like, we were completely sunburnt because Irish people shouldn't be taken out of the country.
"We'reAisling and Sinead.
" And we went on and as it recorded our names down and then towards the end it went, COMPUTER VOICE: "Goodbye, As-a-lin-lin and Sio-nee-nee" We were like, "Whaaat?" It was a great ride, though.
Rachel, you're famous for being intelligent.
Do you believe in aliens? - Well, my mum used to be part of an alien search club.
- Oh! They had membership cards, and everything.
And they used to go to this windmill in Rayleigh and have little meetings.
I think she went dogging and she didn't want to tell you! Where are you going? We're looking for aliens, love.
- There were flashing lights.
- The car was covered in plasma.
They came right up to the windscreen.
- The car was covered in plasma? - I know! Oh, my God! I haven't been fully supportive of that kind of thing but, yeah.
Stephen Hawking would believe in aliens.
There's more chance that they're out there than they're not.
It'd be pretty solipsistic to believe it was just us, - wouldn't it be? - Yeah.
Plus, there's people like Jimmy who are, kind of, bridging the gap.
- I mean, there's something different about you.
- How dare you? I'm a robot built on Earth.
I think aliens are rubbish.
Do you what I mean, like? - It's a few lights and a couple of crop circles.
- Oh, my God! It's a circle.
They're this amazing, another race of whatever, these extraterrestrials and they do just some some circles on a field.
Neil Buchanan in Art Attack done a whole set of duvets.
And their advanced brains just doing circles in crops? What a boring thing to do! I go five trillion miles to fuck up a farm! There are some experts out there.
I don't know whether this would sway you but take a look at this guy.
Clearly an expert on UFOs.
- What do you think? Do you believe in UFOs? - Oh, yeah.
Yes, sir.
Definitely.
They're out there, man.
I seen them.
I've been out there, Aurora, Texas.
You got them little graves and stuff.
They're out there, man.
I'm flying in the plane.
I'm always hallucinating but who really knows what I'm looking at? You know what I'm saying? OK.
Erm, well, but there's no proof of this.
Just people's accounts.
You're right.
There's no proof.
But, I mean, there's no proof of Jesus or, you know, people going to the rest room until they tell you about it.
You know what I mean? Yes.
That seems funny until you realise that's Donald Trump's new head of science.
That's the type of guy who's made a documentary that I watch.
I go, sounds legit.
I feel like every time they ask an American about aliens, they always have that accent.
"Well, I don't know what I saw, but there was a cow out there yesterday and next thing you know it's pregnant and now I've got a green baby cow on my lawn.
" They always have that accident from the south.
OK.
What about you, Sarah? Do you think our audience would agree.
I think people believe in some form of aliens so, I think, it'd be yes.
- What do you reckon? - Yeah.
I'm going to go with yes.
I think people do.
- Yeah.
- People like to think that there is a bigger world.
Aliens and ghosts.
I think, who would win a fight between an alien and a ghost? - What's the fight over? - Who's the most real, I guess.
So, what do you guys think? - Rob, do you think our audience will believe in aliens.
- Yeah.
- I think they do.
Do you think they believe? - Yeah.
They definitely look like alien believers.
So, you're saying yes.
You're saying yes.
Well, I can tell you, the answer is yes.
73% of our studio audience to believe in aliens.
So, at the end of that round it's three points for Rob and two points for Aisling.
That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here is your first one - BUZZER SOUNDS - Incest.
I mean I mean, it's going to be a big argument, but I don't think it's going to be the biggest, necessarily.
Did you see that couple who couldn't get pregnant? They went to the doctors to see why and it turned out they were twins.
- GASPING - What?! They're twins.
They were adopted, but they didn't know They knew they had the same birthday.
Everyone used to joke, "Oh, that's funny", cos they used to celebrate it together.
It's only when they went to try and they couldn't conceive that - they found out.
- Oh, my God.
That was always my biggest fear when you date someone who looks like you.
Who would you date that looks like you? .
.
Someone who looked like me.
It'd be awkward.
Like this is a picture of your wife.
APPLAUSE OK, so top cause of family arguments.
Let's agree, it's not incest.
- In my family, it's Friends.
- What, sorry? - The TV show Friends.
- Go on.
My dad has just retired recently and he's started watching Friends.
I went round there the other day, and he was sitting on the sofa.
My mum went, "Be careful of your dad, he's in a bit of a mood.
" I said, "Why?" She said, "He's been watching Friends.
" I said, "What's the problem?" I went there and said, "What's up with this watching Friends?" He went, "This fucking Chandler" ".
.
he's doing my fucking Swede in.
I like the others.
"I like Monica, Ross.
Lovely pair of kids, credit to their parents.
"Rachel's lovely, Joey, even Phoebe, I can stick her.
"But he's always got something to say.
"You'd never get sick of smashing the geezer.
" But to watch an episode of Friends with him is a thing of beauty.
He'll sit there and he'll be going And Chandler will come in and go, "Did I not believe that?" And he'll go Seething.
Seething.
Aisling, arguments in your house, what's the biggest argument? The pronunciation of muesli.
My mother says "moosli", Sara, every single time.
We are always fighting about that in my house.
- How do you say it? - Cornflakes.
She goes, "Do you know what I like now, Aisling? 'Moosli.
' " "Muesli, Mammy.
There's, like, a pretend Y there.
" "That's what I'm saying.
Moosli.
" "No, muesli.
" "Moosli.
" "No, Mother!" - My mum says, "hUmmus.
" - So does mine! We need to join a support group.
OK, top cause of family arguments - what do you think, Jamali? How about money? I think the idea of, like, will money.
Like, when someone dies, who gets the money.
I'm like, you know My grandma, I love her, she's dear to me, but she's coming to the end.
I'm trying to, you know We're thinking.
No, I mean, like Time Death happens, right? You've got to, like, you know? I think I deserve a car.
- Is it true you still live with your mum? - Yeah.
Thanks for exposing that.
I appreciate that.
I still live with my mum.
Do you know what makes it worse? I live in my mum's attic.
- Does she know you're up there? - She knows I'm there.
She does know I'm there, yeah.
Well, that is something.
It's not as bad as it could be.
Yeah, I live at home.
Rachel, what do you think? What causes fights in your house? Sometimes I get an angry text from my dad that says, "I don't even like sunflowers.
" It turns out two months ago when we recorded Countdown, I said something about them and they've ended up on TV or my mum's been dogging or something like that.
I think it's probably less about the sunflowers and more about the dogging.
Rob, what else causes arguments in your house? - Being volunteered for something.
- Ooh.
You know when you sort of come down and my Mrs goes, "You're OK to take my mum to the airport, aren't you?" Well, no, but she's there with her coat on and her passport in her hand.
It looks like I'm having a trip down the M25, aren't I? I don't understand the airport run any more.
With the event of Uber, I don't understand why you've still got to pick people up from the airport, but you do.
Because some people pay tax and have to get trains.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Fair enough.
That's some proper rich dude shit to say as well, like, "Why doesn't everyone just get a private car?" "Can't you just pay a man to jump on his back and run there?" LAUGHTER Genuinely I genuinely don't understand.
OK, so I would say it's people being inconsiderate.
Milk back in the fridge, empty things back in the fridge.
- You're in the right kind of area.
- Housework.
- Dividing housework.
That's exactly it, yeah.
- A point! Yes.
- Well done, Sara Pascoe.
Yes, the top cause of family arguments is people being messy.
I often come home and find my girlfriend's left things lying around.
Shoes in the lounge, trousers in the hallway, boxer shorts on the landing, and a man's shirt on the bedroom floor.
She's so bloody messy.
All right, here's your final question BUZZER SOUNDS Is it when you say a word over and over again it sounds really weird? Cucumber.
Cucumber.
Cucumber.
- Cucumber.
Cucumber.
- Cucumber.
What is it, even, cucumber? This is a waste of time, yeah.
- Cucumber.
- What does it even mean? Hang on, hang on, Rob genuinely doesn't know what a cucumber is.
- What is it? - Green banana.
It's just a small marrow, innit? Just call it a small marrow.
Jamali, how do you waste time? I play video games, I spin pillows, I follow dreams.
What about you, Rachel? Presumably - I mean, Countdown is the main one.
- Well, Countdown, yeah.
It does go into regular life, so when I see a three-digit number on a hotel door, I have to factorise it.
If I see a name, I have to put an anagram.
Tom Davies is an anagram of SAD VOMIT.
Great.
Jamali Maddix is an anagram of MADAM JAIL DIX.
That does kind of suit me.
Tom, if you've got time to kill, what do you do? Tickling.
- Tickling? - Tickling? You waste time tickling? I like tickling people.
I mean, you get pulled up for it, being a 6'7" man.
Do people ever react nicely to it? Cos I think it's actually like a form of torture.
Some people sort of laugh a little and look a little bit awkward.
Just, like, someone serving you? - No.
- THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER I'll do it with Jimmy, cos it's weird otherwise.
No, I'll sort of make conversation I think you need to have nerve endings.
I'll make a joke, and then I'll sort of And then go for a little tickle.
LAUGHTER Jimmy! - Jimmy looks so cute.
- Oh, my God, I'm so hard.
I like that.
- That's a really It's quite a good technique.
- Yeah, it's nice.
- It's a strong - It takes a lot of practice, Jimmy.
The lovely thing about that was I absolutely felt like a little kid.
Because he's so enormous, you sort of go You genuinely looked like Sophie in The BFG.
I feel if you Just stand behind me for a second, I feel I will look I've never looked more like a ventriloquist's dummy.
I'm sure we could make you look a little bit more like it.
Hang on, don't put your hand there.
OK, so top way to waste time? ROB: YouTube.
- Social media.
- Internet, yeah, internet.
No, it's social media.
Don't you tell me what I'm guessing, Jim.
- Is it internet? - Yeah, I'm going to give it to you.
- Quality.
I can tell you, the top way to waste time is browsing the internet.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE END-OF-ROUND BUZZER Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show, which means the final scores are, Aisling, Tom and Sara have three points, Rob, Jamali and Rachel have four points.
They're the winners.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us, good night.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE