8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s05e01 Episode Script
David Mitchell, Katherine Ryan and David O'Doherty
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Jon Richardson, Sean Lock, David Mitchell, Katherine Ryan, David O'Doherty, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
- Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
A show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the number nine is considered unlucky in music because many composers died after writing their ninth symphony, after which they became decomposers.
At 27, Vincent Van Gogh began his artistic career.
But he had to give up painting just ten short years later, because for some reason his glasses kept falling off.
LAUGHTER 7% of Americans think Elvis Presley is still alive.
Do they really? AS ELVIS PRESLEY: Uh-huh.
LAUGHTER Right.
Let's get started.
OK.
Let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sean is a pessimist.
In his world, the glass is very much half-empty and also smashed and being used to threaten someone who looked at him funny.
And joining Sean tonight, it's David Mitchell.
Clever, charismatic and great fun to be around.
He's like a human being made from all the bits left over when they made Sean Lock.
That's quite a divisive thing to say about our team.
I'm trying to sort of divide and conquer here.
You want to conquer our team? You're already hosting the show! Give us a chance.
We just want to do anagrams.
Well, fair enough.
OK.
David is very particular about the correct use of the English language and he picks people up on the tiniest mistakes.
But surely, David, you're not that pedantics? I don't pick people up on the tiniest mistakes.
I'm not incredibly rude.
- So you're saying that was a tiny mistake, are you? - No, I haven't.
The very thing you wanted me to do I have not done.
I've said you pick people up on tiny mistakes and you're now saying you don't pick people up on tiny mistakes - Oh, I see.
- .
.
which feels like you're picking me up on a tiny mistake.
That's a different sort of tiny mistake, isn't it? The tiny mistake you were implying I pick people up on is an error in grammar or punctuation, not just a factual error or a slur.
Get out of that, Jimmy! You win this time.
Up against them this evening, it's Jon Richardson.
Our Countdown captains couldn't be more different.
While Sean Lock loves to let his hair down, Jon is famous for letting his family down.
The thing I love about that is it's massively harsh and just made up.
This is the start of a new series.
I assume the next episode you're just going to say, "Jon's a dick.
"That's according to his mum.
" I'll write that down.
That'll be very good for the next one.
Jon's team-mate, it's Katherine Ryan.
Katherine is Canadian and Canada is famous for its cold winters.
In fact, the only place that's been colder over the last 30 years is the other side of Jon's bed.
Jon, a fun fact for you.
On Mumsnet, there's a discussion forum at the moment called "Getting the horn over Jon Richardson".
How do you feel about that MILF action? It's nice to know that whilst I may be letting my mum down, I'm giving pleasure to other mothers.
I've just got this image of these women neglecting their children, they're running round, they're starving hungry and they're just going, "I really love Jon" Mum's looking for a different thing, isn't she, shall we say? I don't know.
See, I'm a mom and I'm a single woman and I feel like LAUGHTER So how do you feel? When you look at Jon do you think, "Wow, that's "Yeah, break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar?" Or do you think, - "No, thank you very much.
" - I don't think that and I think that's good news for Jon.
You are really funny.
We love that.
And you seem like you'd be really grateful.
But I know that's not true.
Now, David.
You're fairly well-spoken.
Have you got any tips for widening our vocabulary? I don't think I do, no.
Yes.
There are more than one words for some things.
In fact, there's even a word for more than one words for some things.
Although I can't remember what it is.
And if you - Lots.
Is it "lots"? - It might be lots.
But as a teenager I was confused that there were lots of different words for sex.
And I thought that each of the words for sex meant something distinct.
You know, I thought there were many more different kinds of sex things that I was going to have to get my head round before I became an adult.
But then I realised that most of them refers to the same sort of basic penis penetration stuff.
And that's how I came to understand the richness of the English language.
Sean, other than losing tonight, what's your greatest fear? Well, I'm not sure what my really biggest fear It's either me saying yes to Strictly or them saying no.
- I'm not sure which is worse.
- What's your biggest mistake in life? I've not really made many mistakes, Jimmy.
I mean I'm not happy with the hall carpet.
I suppose the biggest mistake I ever made was I bought socks in Lidl.
And they came in a tin, five of them.
In a tin.
In brine.
I assumed I was buying anchovies.
I put them on the pizza and went, "Jesus.
These are big anchovies.
" Sure, lovely.
Katherine, have you got a mascot this evening? My mascot is more an extension of friendship.
It is a cute shoe.
And I have been trying to make friends with Rachel Riley for a few years now.
I've been admiring her, her style.
She's one of the cool girls, you see.
I googled women.
They like shoes.
Me too.
And so I thought, what we should do is just display our cool shoes because that's the mark of a cool lady.
Just put them right on the bar.
Or maybe you could turn them into some kind of necklacey handbag Just display it, wear your comfortable boots so that when the unlicensed minicab journey goes wrong, you can still run away.
You can have money in there.
- Rachel, look how cool I am.
- I love it.
Yeah.
- I could be your friend.
- You can have some extra numbers.
- Thank you.
Jon, did you bring a mascot? Well, Jimmy it's more the conclusion of an investigation, really.
- What? - Because I've been worried for some time that people have been slagging me off behind my back on this show so I have bugged all of the dressing rooms.
I had to make the technology myself so I strapped this microphone to a banana in your dressing room this afternoon, Jimmy, and I think the results speak for themselves.
Here's what I heard.
JIMMY LAUGHS KNOCK ON DOOR AS JIMMY CARR: 'Oh, somebody's at the door.
' AS DAVID MITCHELL: 'Hello, Jimmy.
It's David Mitchell 'and Katherine Ryan.
' AS KATHERINE RYAN: 'Hello, Jimmy.
' AS JIMMY: 'What can I do for you?' AS DAVID: 'Well, Jimmy, we've come to find out 'who's going to be on Jon's team 'because he's not only the best at Countdown 'but also the most devastatingly sexually attractive.
' AS JIMMY: 'Well, David and Katherine, let me tell you that Katherine Ryan, 'you are on the team with Jon Richardson.
' AS KATHERINE: 'Oh, amazing.
I am excited.
Bye, Jimmy.
' So, that's the investigation.
Katherine, I don't remember having that conversation if I'm honest.
I think I must have blacked out somehow.
But why, Katherine, were you doing an impersonation of Stephen Hawking there? - OK, David, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I do have a mascot.
- What have you got? - I've brought My mascot is a torch.
- Why have you brought a torch? - It's good luck.
It's good luck in a power cut and it's good luck if you want tomurder someone.
I thought you were going to say something different there.
What did you think I was going to say? It's good luck if you want to wank a torch off? That's not how I wank.
No, maybe for other Is this the normal way to masturbate? This is all about learning.
Television.
- No.
Yeah, that's my lucky torch.
- Sean, have you got a mascot? I haven't got a mascot so much as I would like to start a new craze.
Oh.
- Last year was the year of the Ice Bucket Challenge.
- Of course, huge.
Personally, wasn't impressed, a bit of cold water on you doesn't really make any difference.
So I've come up with a new craze I want to pass on.
To raise money.
And it's the Cat Litter Challenge.
LAUGHTER I'm going to tip this pile of cat litter over me to raise money for, um, I don't know, some kind of I don't like cats, so something that Some worthy charity? For men going clearly through some sort of breakdown? Yeah, all right.
Yeah.
Can I just pledge Å100? Pledge Å100.
Well, actually, I've got to nominate after this.
LAUGHTER You're not actually going to do it, are you? Why would you do? - Jesus! - Ready? One twothree AUDIENCE GROANS APPLAUSE Ah! Ah! Ant and Dec can shove their Bush Tucker Trials .
.
up their little Geordie cats' bums.
LAUGHTER I've got some on my finger! So, anyway, I've got to nominate two people.
- Quite a lot of that has gone down the back of your shirt.
- I know! But it is worth it.
It's for a good cause.
LAUGHTER - Who are you nominating? - I'm nominating Anna Wintour, the editor of Vogue.
LAUGHTER I thought, Rachel, you'd like it.
No? No.
No, I don't expect anyone else to do it, obviously it's too far I may actually have a bit of cat shit on me anyway.
LAUGHTER It never occurred to me when I was leaving the area, to take my water with me.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I'll just stand for it.
Ah! Has anyone got any wet wipes? No, no Sean, you've made your bed.
You will lie in it.
Just sit there in your cat shit and think about what you've done.
- I mean, you've had some crazy ideas.
- I've got it all down my trousers now.
What did our production? What did production crew say to you when you said What are you doing? LAUGHTER - APPLAUSE - What are you doing? WOLF WHISTLE Can you just pop your mic on? I don't know where it's gone.
- It's probably - I've stuffed it down my pants.
LAUGHTER Imagine some poor sound man listening to this.
"Is that his bollock?" Would it be unreasonable to ask for another glass of water? LAUGHTER I like the idea that somebody just tunes in now.
And sees my desk.
Atchoo! LAUGHTER OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's David O'Doherty! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING David, what's your favourite Irish phrase? Um, well, firstly, can I say that this Dictionary Corner today has something of a spicy tang to it from the cat shit aromas? I just feel, you know, in my island nation, we are more creative.
You know, if you're angry, you'll be like, "Oh, you plum.
" You know? Or whatever you say, whereas at home, there is a lot more I like, "Stick it up your hole.
" Er "Ask me hoop.
" You know, a similar thing.
"Ask me hoop"? What's your hoop? - It's similar to the first one.
- Oh! So, "Address your question to my anus?" LAUGHTER I think, James, my favourite Irish phrase of all time is when Roy Keane, the footballer, left the Irish squad in the 2002 World Cup, had a big argument with the manager, and his parting shot was, "Stick it up your bollocks.
" - LAUGHTER - I mean Apart from anything else, what are the logistics of that? And with David of course, is Susie Dent! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Susie's regular slot on Countdown, The Origin of Words, is one of the most popular parts of the show as it gives people a chance to make a cup of tea.
We've got Katherine on the show this evening, who is obviously Canadian.
Are there any Canadian phrases we should be aware of? I love Canadian place names because a lot of them are in their native, is it Algonquian languages? Is there really a place called Buffalo-Head-Smashed-In-Jump or something? I have never been.
We have Regina in Saskatchewan.
And their football team are called the Regina Roughriders.
LAUGHTER The The what-now with the with the who-how? Finally, I have a team! OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Rachel appeared on a Channel 4 Dispatches documentary, asking why Britain's children are failing when it comes to maths.
Turns out, they're a bit thick.
LAUGHTER Rachel, you've worked with three different Countdown hosts - Jeff Stelling, Nick Hewer and me.
Who was your favourite? You've all got your own different qualities, - you're very different people.
- Moving on! LAUGHTER - We've all got our own? - Well, Nick, Nick, you know informs us about poetry and dead people, you're good with the humour, but Jeff Stelling got me tickets to the Champions League final with Man United against Barcelona, so My dad actually said it was worth having kids after all when I took him to that game.
LAUGHTER OK, tonight we're not playing for the normal Countdown prizes.
Jon and Sean are competing this evening with their teams for some very special prizes - their dream prizes.
So if Jon wins, he'll get one hour, in a room, alone with that puppy.
ALL: Aww! And if Sean wins, he'll get one hour, alone, in a room, with that six-pack.
LAUGHTER Of strangely unrecognisable beer.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Jon and Katherine, you get first pick of the letters.
Can we have a vowel, please? Thank you, Katherine.
E And another one, please.
- U - And a consonant, please.
- H - And another one.
B And a consonant.
- N - And a vowel.
- E - And a consonant.
- Z - And a And a vowel and a consonant, please.
And And I and an R.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
LAUGHTER Ah! APPLAUSE - Jon, what have you got? - A six.
Katherine, what have you got? Eight.
I feel like that's not a word.
OK, you've got eight.
It's a tentative eight.
David, what have you got? I've got two fives, so that's a ten.
LAUGHTER - Sean, what have you got? - Five.
- OK, Sean, what's your five? - BRINE.
LAUGHTER - What, the stuff that socks come in? - Yeah.
David, your five? URINE LAUGHTER I don't know why I thought of it.
Because all I can smell is shit! LAUGHTER - It's lateral thinking, that is.
- Jon, let's hear your six.
HUNEEZ LAUGHTER - Can you have HUNEEZ, Susie? - I'd be amazed.
I will eat all of that if HUNEEZ is in there.
- Oh, hang on a second.
- No, stop LAUGHTER OK, so HUNEEZ isn't in there.
Katherine, your risky eight.
- Well, I had, you know Scrooge? Ebenezer was his first name.
- Yup.
But I'm not sure how to spell it.
LAUGHTER EBINEZUR.
There it is.
LAUGHTER - Just really trying to go for it.
- No, you really went for it.
And it did not pay off.
So it is five points for David and Sean.
APPLAUSE Susie, David, what could they have had? Not a whole bunch over here.
BREEZIN with no G isn't a word.
LAUGHTER HEINZER - someone who eats a lot of beans.
Total shit.
So, BRINE is? Is as good as we got.
So at the end of that, Sean and David are in the lead with 5.
APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
OK, Sean, David, your turn to pick the numbers.
OK, we will have two from the top and the rest from everywhere else.
Two big ones, four little ones.
Thank you, Sean.
And this time the numbers are 8, 3, 1 and 5 and the big ones - 25 and 100.
And the target So your target is 913.
Your time starts now.
So the target was 913.
Sean, did you get it? - No, I got 917.
- 917, OK.
David, did you get it? I think I might have got 910.
But I am not 100%.
Katherine, have you got it? - No.
- How close did you get? - Maybe, 9 Was it 921? - OK, Jon? - I think I got 907.
907? So the closest was David.
- David, how did you get it? - I might have used something twice.
It's all right to use something twice, isn't it? No, I know it isn't.
8 + 1 = 9 - x 100.
- Yeah, you're going to get there.
- = 900.
- Yup.
- Then 3 x 5 = 15.
Which you could have added to be two away, but you didn't.
LAUGHTER I like a challenge.
- Take the 15 away from the 25.
- For the 10.
- Which you add to the 900.
- 3 away.
So seven points to Sean and David there.
LAUGHTER Rachel, you and I know it can be done.
Would you like to demonstrate? - Yeah, I think it was quite a hard one.
- Well I thought it was all right.
100 + 25 + 5 8 - 1 = 7 Times them together for 910.
And add on the 3.
APPLAUSE Time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
David, what have you got for us? What I have for you right now is, I have brought the party machine.
AndI thought I might do a song for the ladies.
Could we get a lighting state that the ladies would be into? Oh, yes! # Hey, ladies # Can I just say I think you're doing an incredible job in pretty much every way Good work, ladies! # But there's one thing # I'd like to bring to your attention # I feel it would be remiss of me not to mention # And that's that, ladies # What the fuck is going on with some of the fellas? # I don't want to sound like I judge too quick But it seems to me a lot of you're pickin' real dicks LAUGHTER # And, ladies, seriously, how are you so bad at spotting scoundrels? # I realise love's a mysterious thing # But you have to get better at spotting scoundreling! # He hasn't texted you back, he can't, his phone is out of battery # Every evening, around 7 o'clock # Scoundrel talk! Don't believe that shit! # He's just not sure he's ready to commit yet # Scoundrel talk! # Don't look at my phone Scoundrel talk! # Don't trust any pig who won't let you see their phone # Ladies, I hope you don't think I'm trying to interfere # I'm just trying to save you from future pain and tears # He turned out to be a jerk Yeah, that's because he always was a fucking jerk! LAUGHTER # Blazer and jeans It's the classic scoundrel look # No disrespect, Jimmy # What I'm trying to say Get with me # Comedians are their own special awful category # Just looking for a man who can make me laugh # Yeah, that's good for the first 20 minutes Thereafter some emotional stability would be nice too LAUGHTER # David, was it? # Was that a conversation or you trying out material on me? # It actually was a conversation # But the fact that I've now mentioned it on TV Means it has become material LAUGHTER # Ha-ha-ha Ha-aa.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING The scores at the moment, Jon and Katherine have, let me just tot it up Er No points.
Sean and David have 12.
APPLAUSE And here's your teaser.
The words are LUBE NUTS.
The clue is - Don't make it obvious.
That's LUBE NUTS - Don't make it obvious.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were LUBE NUTS.
The clue was - don't make it obvious.
It was, of course, UNSUBTLE.
So Sean and David are in the lead.
OK, time to spice things up a little bit.
You've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and Katherine.
So, Katherine, your turn to choose the letters.
OK.
Ermcan we have a vowel please, Rachel.
Thank you, Katherine.
A.
Another, please.
- E.
- And another, please.
- O.
- And another, please.
- A.
- And consonants for the rest.
N W D another W.
- KATHERINE SIGHS - And the last one, N.
LAUGHTER OK.
And the time starts now.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Just trying to look more feminine.
- What have you got? - A five.
- You've got a five.
- Katherine, what have you got? - ErI've got five as well.
- What's your five, Katherine? - OWNED.
- OWNED.
- Likeyou got owned.
That kind of thing.
- You got - owned.
- Yeah, that's how I use it.
Sean? - ENDOW.
Oh, very good.
Very nice.
- OK, so five points for both teams.
- APPLAUSE - David, could they have done any better? - Well, I got NANDO, which is a sort of a Portuguese brutally murdered chicken.
LAUGHTER OK, at the end of that Jon and Katherine have five, - but Sean and David have 17.
- APPLAUSE CHEERING LAUGHTER Right, now time for Jon and David to go head-to-head.
- David, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Right, two from the top and any other appropriate number of numbers, please.
RACHEL LAUGHS - Thank you, David.
Two from the top and four little ones.
- Yeah.
And this time the little ones are 4, 8, 1 and 5.
And the big ones are 50 and 100.
And the target RACHEL LAUGHS LAUGHTER - Spin again.
Spin again.
- They never let me do that! - SEAN: It looks easy.
- 236.
- Oh! - OK, and your time starts - I'm doing the first one.
- .
.
now.
LAUGHTER - Jon, did you get it? - No.
- LAUGHTER - David, did you get it? - No.
- LAUGHTER - Jon, what did you get? - Well237.
- OK, that's pretty close.
David, what did you get? - 239.
- Way off! - LAUGHTER Unacceptable.
Jon, how did you get 237? - Well, I don't think I've got that either.
- LAUGHTER 50 - 1 x 5 50 - 1 = 49 49 x 5 = 245 And then take off the 8.
245 - 8 = 237 - And that's it.
- And that is it.
- Seven points to Jon! APPLAUSE I got it, but it was a tricky one.
- Do you want to show them how? - Have you got it? - Yeah.
- Do you want to show everyone? - It's such a bloody hassle, why don't you just do it.
- I'll just read your mind.
- LAUGHTER - If you say 8 + 1 = 9 9 + 50 = 59 59 x 4 = 236 APPLAUSE OK, time to go across once again to Dictionary Corner.
David, what do you have for us? Imean, this is my job doing this.
In particular, playing, you know, this.
And there's times when I have a real low about the choices I've made in my life that have led to this situation for a 38-year-old man.
I had one I got a train recently to Norwich and ended up in the quiet carriage cos I was late for the train.
And I think the original idea of the quiet carriage was to create, like, a Japanese garden of serenity on the train where people could go and ponder the big questions.
- Hmm.
- But that is not what they've created, what they've created is a place where all of the most easily agitated members of society go and wait for shit to kick off.
LAUGHTER The worst part of it I find is that I join the bullies in evaluating the next person as they enter the quiet carriage as to whether they're appropriate to sit in it.
And when this guy sits in, like, I'm double hating him because I've got the only spare seat in the carriage beside me, but he's got like a big, big bag! - He probably has noisy legs as well.
- LAUGHTER He walks down, he's like, "Do you mind if I sit there?" I'm like, "It's the quiet carriage, you're supposed to mime your requests.
" So I go, like, "Yes, you may.
" Now, I tour with two bags.
I tour with tiny keybs in a sports bag and that's up on top and then I have a laptop.
So he goes to wedge his bag underneath and there's no room, so he has to stuff his big bag in the rack.
And in stuffing it up there, he disturbs a button on the PortaSound that I barely knew I had and suddenly the quiet carriage is filled with this sound Turkish March by Mozart A fury breaks out in the quiet carriage the like of which has not been seen in Britain since medieval times.
Like, "What?!" And I think, "I'll just leave it, people will get used to it after a while.
" It's Mozart.
And then they've sort of worked out who it probably belongs to and I have to stand up.
And the sports bag's got Velcro, - so I have to - MAKES RASPING SOUND For some reason, I feel the need to display it to the other members of the quiet carriage.
"It's for my job!" "Oh, God! What am I doing?!" And they are like, "What is he doing with his life?! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, the scores at the moment.
Jon and Katherine have 12, Sean and David have 17.
Here is your teaser.
The words are TRIED ASS.
And the clue is - it didn't go very well.
That's TRIED ASS - it didn't go very well.
- See you after the break.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser The words were TRIED ASS.
The clue was - it didn't go very well.
It was, of course, DISASTER.
Before we go on, he doesn't work here any more but he's turned up anyway - it's Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE AUDIENCE: Aw! Joe, what have you been up to? It's been a weird week.
LAUGHTER Basically, cos you fired me, you turd .
.
I did a bit of time-travelling.
What's time travel like? It's all right.
The only downside is it shrinks your horse.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Yeah, this was a seven-foot shire horse before I went travelling.
If I'd known, I wouldn't have done it.
Actually, can we can we get rid of it? It's pissing me off.
Cheers, Mum.
This is my mum.
Thanks, sweetheart.
I'll see you for tea, yeah? Bye, darling.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
Judging by the way you look, Joe, I'm presuming you went back in time, right? No, no, I went I went forward in time.
This is what they wear in the future now.
It's funny how fashions come back round, isn't it? And I brought a few things back from the future to show you, if you want.
You can come on now.
LAUGHTER You brought back a robot from the future, did you? No, no, no, this is just my half-brother, Fabio.
He's just on his way to a fancy dress party.
Total coincidence.
There's no robots in the future, you fucking idiot.
I did bring a few other things back.
Like I thought you might be interested in this.
In the future, all mobile phones are edible.
This is just a crumpet with an aerial stuck in it.
But you can still text and that.
That's quite nice.
Also, is anyone here fed up with losing their cowboy hat? Yeah.
Not a problem in the future.
In the future, all cowboy hats find their own way home.
Look.
Yeah, it's a prototype.
They're quite shit.
Go on.
Fuck off.
But also, the weirdest thing in the future is plastic surgery has got well out of hand.
- Do you want to see what you look like in the future? - Yeah, sure.
This is you, Jimmy.
I think you wear too much make-up.
Just one massive eye, like a Cyclops.
Yeah, you're a freak.
Jon, you've just had your head replaced I genuinely can't see the difference.
He's had his ears pinned back.
- Oh.
- And, Rachel, this is what you've had done.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Anyway, the weirdest thing about that, I only went a month in the future.
Anyway, let's play Countdown! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
Jon and Katherine, your turn to choose the letters.
One last thing I brought back from the future.
I brought back a few letters from the future.
They're exactly the same.
The only difference is, in the future, for some reason, all letters come with a sound now.
Let's try a consonant, then, and see what that sounds like.
That would be an CLOWN HOOTER SOUND That's what an R sounds like.
- A vowel.
- RACHEL: OK.
MOO! Consonant, please.
RICOCHET SOUND And another consonant, please.
CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES And a vowel, please.
GLASS SMASHING And a consonant, please.
SUBMARINE DIVE ALARM And a vowel, please.
HEAVY COUGH And a consonant, please.
GONG RACHEL: That gong, I get that one.
That's the only one that makes sense.
The whole place is fucked.
And a final consonant, please.
And a final 'Oh, shit! I dropped me onion!' LAUGHTER And your time starts now.
OK, Katherine, how many have you got? Seven.
Jon, what have you got? Six.
David? - Five.
- Yeah, five.
OK, what's your five, Sean? MEATY LAUGHTER OK, David.
GLORY MEATY GLORY LAUGHTER Jon, your six.
GAOLER But spelt badly.
Spelt old-fashioned.
GAOLER.
Oh.
SUSIE: Yeah.
Can spell it that way.
Brilliant.
And what was your seven? GLOATER - One who gloats.
- SUSIE: Brilliant.
I.
e, me.
KATHERINE: Yeah! So, seven points to Katherine.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, at the end of that, Jon and Katherine are in the lead with 19 points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE On to another numbers round.
OK, Sean and David, your turn to pick the numbers.
Two from the top and three, four, whatever it is, from the rest of the place.
Right, the little ones are 10, 4, 5 and 8, and the big ones I'm going to have to move Your legs are a bit wide apart.
LAUGHTER - 25 and 100.
- Can I press the button? Go for it, yeah.
Good luck, everyone.
Good luck at home.
So, your target is Your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 651.
Sean, did you get it? Er No.
I got 600 and OK, David, did you get it? No.
Jon, did you get it? Got 653, I think.
OK, Katherine, did you get it? Not closer than that, no.
OK, come on, Jon.
100 + 25 + 4 100 + 25 + 4 = 129 x 5 x 5 = 645 + 8 + 8.
653, two away.
So that's seven points to Jon and Katherine.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rachel, did you manage to get it? Yeah, it was quite tricky, though.
If you say 100 + 25, again + 8 = 133 x 5 = 665 And then take away the 10 and the 4.
APPLAUSE OK, the scores at the moment - Sean and David have 17, Jon and Katherine are in the lead with 26.
APPLAUSE And here's your final teaser.
The words are NOSE SCUM and the clue is - eating it up.
That's NOSE SCUM - eating it up.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were NOSE SCUM, the clue was - eating it up.
It was of course, CONSUMES.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean and David, your turn to choose.
Oh, um A vowel, please.
JOE: I'm going to quickly install a toilet.
LAUGHTER All right, I'll get on with this.
- I can't be arsed.
- A.
A consonant, please.
M.
A vowel.
I.
A consonant.
X.
Ooh.
That doesn't count.
Another consonant.
T.
And another consonant - just to show the X.
M.
And a vowel.
E.
And a vowel.
A.
SEAN: Jesus.
And a consonant.
And the last one S.
And your time starts now.
What you got? John, what've you got? Sean? 1, 2, 3, 45 OK.
David? I've got a 6.
Ooh, exciting.
OK, Sean, what's your 5? STEAM.
Katherine, your 5? I, too, have got Sean's STEAM.
OK.
David, your 6? It's, er, SIX.
S-I-X.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I mean, you can't say it's not a 6.
Jon, your 7.
David will know that in Ireland a mum is called a mammie.
And in Ireland I am the MAMIEST comic.
The mammies get the horn.
The MAMIEST.
That's true.
Don't want to be the daddiest comic.
You want to be the MAMIEST.
Is MAMIEST a word? It is, I've seen it on Jon's posters in Ireland.
DAVID: That doesn't say mammiest - to me, that says maimiest.
As in the comic that's most likely to maim someone.
What about MAMIEST, is that in there? Um, you'd need three Ms.
Mammies are in, not mammiest - but you'd need three Ms.
- Three Ms.
- Yeah.
So, 5 points to both teams.
APPLAUSE David, Susie, could they have done any better? There's the well-known abbreviation for a sandwich - is that right? Yeah, it sounds so made up, this.
That we all know and love, is a SAMMIE, of course.
You know, "Oh, lunch - gotta get me a SAMMIE.
"Cheese SAMMIE.
" What accent were you shooting for there, David? - New Zealand, New Zealand.
- New Zealand.
LAUGHTER OK, so Sean and David have 22 and Jon and Katherine have 31, So, fingers on buzzers - it's time for today's crucial Countdown conundrum.
Look! Look at it! Oh, if only you'd been more OBSERVANT.
Oh Let's have a look and see.
ALL: Ah! Is that a word? LAUGHTER OK, so the final scores are Sean and David have 22 but tonight's winners are Jon and Katherine with 31 points! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations to Jon and Katherine, they've won their dream prize.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Good night.
- Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
A show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the number nine is considered unlucky in music because many composers died after writing their ninth symphony, after which they became decomposers.
At 27, Vincent Van Gogh began his artistic career.
But he had to give up painting just ten short years later, because for some reason his glasses kept falling off.
LAUGHTER 7% of Americans think Elvis Presley is still alive.
Do they really? AS ELVIS PRESLEY: Uh-huh.
LAUGHTER Right.
Let's get started.
OK.
Let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sean is a pessimist.
In his world, the glass is very much half-empty and also smashed and being used to threaten someone who looked at him funny.
And joining Sean tonight, it's David Mitchell.
Clever, charismatic and great fun to be around.
He's like a human being made from all the bits left over when they made Sean Lock.
That's quite a divisive thing to say about our team.
I'm trying to sort of divide and conquer here.
You want to conquer our team? You're already hosting the show! Give us a chance.
We just want to do anagrams.
Well, fair enough.
OK.
David is very particular about the correct use of the English language and he picks people up on the tiniest mistakes.
But surely, David, you're not that pedantics? I don't pick people up on the tiniest mistakes.
I'm not incredibly rude.
- So you're saying that was a tiny mistake, are you? - No, I haven't.
The very thing you wanted me to do I have not done.
I've said you pick people up on tiny mistakes and you're now saying you don't pick people up on tiny mistakes - Oh, I see.
- .
.
which feels like you're picking me up on a tiny mistake.
That's a different sort of tiny mistake, isn't it? The tiny mistake you were implying I pick people up on is an error in grammar or punctuation, not just a factual error or a slur.
Get out of that, Jimmy! You win this time.
Up against them this evening, it's Jon Richardson.
Our Countdown captains couldn't be more different.
While Sean Lock loves to let his hair down, Jon is famous for letting his family down.
The thing I love about that is it's massively harsh and just made up.
This is the start of a new series.
I assume the next episode you're just going to say, "Jon's a dick.
"That's according to his mum.
" I'll write that down.
That'll be very good for the next one.
Jon's team-mate, it's Katherine Ryan.
Katherine is Canadian and Canada is famous for its cold winters.
In fact, the only place that's been colder over the last 30 years is the other side of Jon's bed.
Jon, a fun fact for you.
On Mumsnet, there's a discussion forum at the moment called "Getting the horn over Jon Richardson".
How do you feel about that MILF action? It's nice to know that whilst I may be letting my mum down, I'm giving pleasure to other mothers.
I've just got this image of these women neglecting their children, they're running round, they're starving hungry and they're just going, "I really love Jon" Mum's looking for a different thing, isn't she, shall we say? I don't know.
See, I'm a mom and I'm a single woman and I feel like LAUGHTER So how do you feel? When you look at Jon do you think, "Wow, that's "Yeah, break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar?" Or do you think, - "No, thank you very much.
" - I don't think that and I think that's good news for Jon.
You are really funny.
We love that.
And you seem like you'd be really grateful.
But I know that's not true.
Now, David.
You're fairly well-spoken.
Have you got any tips for widening our vocabulary? I don't think I do, no.
Yes.
There are more than one words for some things.
In fact, there's even a word for more than one words for some things.
Although I can't remember what it is.
And if you - Lots.
Is it "lots"? - It might be lots.
But as a teenager I was confused that there were lots of different words for sex.
And I thought that each of the words for sex meant something distinct.
You know, I thought there were many more different kinds of sex things that I was going to have to get my head round before I became an adult.
But then I realised that most of them refers to the same sort of basic penis penetration stuff.
And that's how I came to understand the richness of the English language.
Sean, other than losing tonight, what's your greatest fear? Well, I'm not sure what my really biggest fear It's either me saying yes to Strictly or them saying no.
- I'm not sure which is worse.
- What's your biggest mistake in life? I've not really made many mistakes, Jimmy.
I mean I'm not happy with the hall carpet.
I suppose the biggest mistake I ever made was I bought socks in Lidl.
And they came in a tin, five of them.
In a tin.
In brine.
I assumed I was buying anchovies.
I put them on the pizza and went, "Jesus.
These are big anchovies.
" Sure, lovely.
Katherine, have you got a mascot this evening? My mascot is more an extension of friendship.
It is a cute shoe.
And I have been trying to make friends with Rachel Riley for a few years now.
I've been admiring her, her style.
She's one of the cool girls, you see.
I googled women.
They like shoes.
Me too.
And so I thought, what we should do is just display our cool shoes because that's the mark of a cool lady.
Just put them right on the bar.
Or maybe you could turn them into some kind of necklacey handbag Just display it, wear your comfortable boots so that when the unlicensed minicab journey goes wrong, you can still run away.
You can have money in there.
- Rachel, look how cool I am.
- I love it.
Yeah.
- I could be your friend.
- You can have some extra numbers.
- Thank you.
Jon, did you bring a mascot? Well, Jimmy it's more the conclusion of an investigation, really.
- What? - Because I've been worried for some time that people have been slagging me off behind my back on this show so I have bugged all of the dressing rooms.
I had to make the technology myself so I strapped this microphone to a banana in your dressing room this afternoon, Jimmy, and I think the results speak for themselves.
Here's what I heard.
JIMMY LAUGHS KNOCK ON DOOR AS JIMMY CARR: 'Oh, somebody's at the door.
' AS DAVID MITCHELL: 'Hello, Jimmy.
It's David Mitchell 'and Katherine Ryan.
' AS KATHERINE RYAN: 'Hello, Jimmy.
' AS JIMMY: 'What can I do for you?' AS DAVID: 'Well, Jimmy, we've come to find out 'who's going to be on Jon's team 'because he's not only the best at Countdown 'but also the most devastatingly sexually attractive.
' AS JIMMY: 'Well, David and Katherine, let me tell you that Katherine Ryan, 'you are on the team with Jon Richardson.
' AS KATHERINE: 'Oh, amazing.
I am excited.
Bye, Jimmy.
' So, that's the investigation.
Katherine, I don't remember having that conversation if I'm honest.
I think I must have blacked out somehow.
But why, Katherine, were you doing an impersonation of Stephen Hawking there? - OK, David, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I do have a mascot.
- What have you got? - I've brought My mascot is a torch.
- Why have you brought a torch? - It's good luck.
It's good luck in a power cut and it's good luck if you want tomurder someone.
I thought you were going to say something different there.
What did you think I was going to say? It's good luck if you want to wank a torch off? That's not how I wank.
No, maybe for other Is this the normal way to masturbate? This is all about learning.
Television.
- No.
Yeah, that's my lucky torch.
- Sean, have you got a mascot? I haven't got a mascot so much as I would like to start a new craze.
Oh.
- Last year was the year of the Ice Bucket Challenge.
- Of course, huge.
Personally, wasn't impressed, a bit of cold water on you doesn't really make any difference.
So I've come up with a new craze I want to pass on.
To raise money.
And it's the Cat Litter Challenge.
LAUGHTER I'm going to tip this pile of cat litter over me to raise money for, um, I don't know, some kind of I don't like cats, so something that Some worthy charity? For men going clearly through some sort of breakdown? Yeah, all right.
Yeah.
Can I just pledge Å100? Pledge Å100.
Well, actually, I've got to nominate after this.
LAUGHTER You're not actually going to do it, are you? Why would you do? - Jesus! - Ready? One twothree AUDIENCE GROANS APPLAUSE Ah! Ah! Ant and Dec can shove their Bush Tucker Trials .
.
up their little Geordie cats' bums.
LAUGHTER I've got some on my finger! So, anyway, I've got to nominate two people.
- Quite a lot of that has gone down the back of your shirt.
- I know! But it is worth it.
It's for a good cause.
LAUGHTER - Who are you nominating? - I'm nominating Anna Wintour, the editor of Vogue.
LAUGHTER I thought, Rachel, you'd like it.
No? No.
No, I don't expect anyone else to do it, obviously it's too far I may actually have a bit of cat shit on me anyway.
LAUGHTER It never occurred to me when I was leaving the area, to take my water with me.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I'll just stand for it.
Ah! Has anyone got any wet wipes? No, no Sean, you've made your bed.
You will lie in it.
Just sit there in your cat shit and think about what you've done.
- I mean, you've had some crazy ideas.
- I've got it all down my trousers now.
What did our production? What did production crew say to you when you said What are you doing? LAUGHTER - APPLAUSE - What are you doing? WOLF WHISTLE Can you just pop your mic on? I don't know where it's gone.
- It's probably - I've stuffed it down my pants.
LAUGHTER Imagine some poor sound man listening to this.
"Is that his bollock?" Would it be unreasonable to ask for another glass of water? LAUGHTER I like the idea that somebody just tunes in now.
And sees my desk.
Atchoo! LAUGHTER OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's David O'Doherty! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING David, what's your favourite Irish phrase? Um, well, firstly, can I say that this Dictionary Corner today has something of a spicy tang to it from the cat shit aromas? I just feel, you know, in my island nation, we are more creative.
You know, if you're angry, you'll be like, "Oh, you plum.
" You know? Or whatever you say, whereas at home, there is a lot more I like, "Stick it up your hole.
" Er "Ask me hoop.
" You know, a similar thing.
"Ask me hoop"? What's your hoop? - It's similar to the first one.
- Oh! So, "Address your question to my anus?" LAUGHTER I think, James, my favourite Irish phrase of all time is when Roy Keane, the footballer, left the Irish squad in the 2002 World Cup, had a big argument with the manager, and his parting shot was, "Stick it up your bollocks.
" - LAUGHTER - I mean Apart from anything else, what are the logistics of that? And with David of course, is Susie Dent! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Susie's regular slot on Countdown, The Origin of Words, is one of the most popular parts of the show as it gives people a chance to make a cup of tea.
We've got Katherine on the show this evening, who is obviously Canadian.
Are there any Canadian phrases we should be aware of? I love Canadian place names because a lot of them are in their native, is it Algonquian languages? Is there really a place called Buffalo-Head-Smashed-In-Jump or something? I have never been.
We have Regina in Saskatchewan.
And their football team are called the Regina Roughriders.
LAUGHTER The The what-now with the with the who-how? Finally, I have a team! OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Rachel appeared on a Channel 4 Dispatches documentary, asking why Britain's children are failing when it comes to maths.
Turns out, they're a bit thick.
LAUGHTER Rachel, you've worked with three different Countdown hosts - Jeff Stelling, Nick Hewer and me.
Who was your favourite? You've all got your own different qualities, - you're very different people.
- Moving on! LAUGHTER - We've all got our own? - Well, Nick, Nick, you know informs us about poetry and dead people, you're good with the humour, but Jeff Stelling got me tickets to the Champions League final with Man United against Barcelona, so My dad actually said it was worth having kids after all when I took him to that game.
LAUGHTER OK, tonight we're not playing for the normal Countdown prizes.
Jon and Sean are competing this evening with their teams for some very special prizes - their dream prizes.
So if Jon wins, he'll get one hour, in a room, alone with that puppy.
ALL: Aww! And if Sean wins, he'll get one hour, alone, in a room, with that six-pack.
LAUGHTER Of strangely unrecognisable beer.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Jon and Katherine, you get first pick of the letters.
Can we have a vowel, please? Thank you, Katherine.
E And another one, please.
- U - And a consonant, please.
- H - And another one.
B And a consonant.
- N - And a vowel.
- E - And a consonant.
- Z - And a And a vowel and a consonant, please.
And And I and an R.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
LAUGHTER Ah! APPLAUSE - Jon, what have you got? - A six.
Katherine, what have you got? Eight.
I feel like that's not a word.
OK, you've got eight.
It's a tentative eight.
David, what have you got? I've got two fives, so that's a ten.
LAUGHTER - Sean, what have you got? - Five.
- OK, Sean, what's your five? - BRINE.
LAUGHTER - What, the stuff that socks come in? - Yeah.
David, your five? URINE LAUGHTER I don't know why I thought of it.
Because all I can smell is shit! LAUGHTER - It's lateral thinking, that is.
- Jon, let's hear your six.
HUNEEZ LAUGHTER - Can you have HUNEEZ, Susie? - I'd be amazed.
I will eat all of that if HUNEEZ is in there.
- Oh, hang on a second.
- No, stop LAUGHTER OK, so HUNEEZ isn't in there.
Katherine, your risky eight.
- Well, I had, you know Scrooge? Ebenezer was his first name.
- Yup.
But I'm not sure how to spell it.
LAUGHTER EBINEZUR.
There it is.
LAUGHTER - Just really trying to go for it.
- No, you really went for it.
And it did not pay off.
So it is five points for David and Sean.
APPLAUSE Susie, David, what could they have had? Not a whole bunch over here.
BREEZIN with no G isn't a word.
LAUGHTER HEINZER - someone who eats a lot of beans.
Total shit.
So, BRINE is? Is as good as we got.
So at the end of that, Sean and David are in the lead with 5.
APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
OK, Sean, David, your turn to pick the numbers.
OK, we will have two from the top and the rest from everywhere else.
Two big ones, four little ones.
Thank you, Sean.
And this time the numbers are 8, 3, 1 and 5 and the big ones - 25 and 100.
And the target So your target is 913.
Your time starts now.
So the target was 913.
Sean, did you get it? - No, I got 917.
- 917, OK.
David, did you get it? I think I might have got 910.
But I am not 100%.
Katherine, have you got it? - No.
- How close did you get? - Maybe, 9 Was it 921? - OK, Jon? - I think I got 907.
907? So the closest was David.
- David, how did you get it? - I might have used something twice.
It's all right to use something twice, isn't it? No, I know it isn't.
8 + 1 = 9 - x 100.
- Yeah, you're going to get there.
- = 900.
- Yup.
- Then 3 x 5 = 15.
Which you could have added to be two away, but you didn't.
LAUGHTER I like a challenge.
- Take the 15 away from the 25.
- For the 10.
- Which you add to the 900.
- 3 away.
So seven points to Sean and David there.
LAUGHTER Rachel, you and I know it can be done.
Would you like to demonstrate? - Yeah, I think it was quite a hard one.
- Well I thought it was all right.
100 + 25 + 5 8 - 1 = 7 Times them together for 910.
And add on the 3.
APPLAUSE Time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
David, what have you got for us? What I have for you right now is, I have brought the party machine.
AndI thought I might do a song for the ladies.
Could we get a lighting state that the ladies would be into? Oh, yes! # Hey, ladies # Can I just say I think you're doing an incredible job in pretty much every way Good work, ladies! # But there's one thing # I'd like to bring to your attention # I feel it would be remiss of me not to mention # And that's that, ladies # What the fuck is going on with some of the fellas? # I don't want to sound like I judge too quick But it seems to me a lot of you're pickin' real dicks LAUGHTER # And, ladies, seriously, how are you so bad at spotting scoundrels? # I realise love's a mysterious thing # But you have to get better at spotting scoundreling! # He hasn't texted you back, he can't, his phone is out of battery # Every evening, around 7 o'clock # Scoundrel talk! Don't believe that shit! # He's just not sure he's ready to commit yet # Scoundrel talk! # Don't look at my phone Scoundrel talk! # Don't trust any pig who won't let you see their phone # Ladies, I hope you don't think I'm trying to interfere # I'm just trying to save you from future pain and tears # He turned out to be a jerk Yeah, that's because he always was a fucking jerk! LAUGHTER # Blazer and jeans It's the classic scoundrel look # No disrespect, Jimmy # What I'm trying to say Get with me # Comedians are their own special awful category # Just looking for a man who can make me laugh # Yeah, that's good for the first 20 minutes Thereafter some emotional stability would be nice too LAUGHTER # David, was it? # Was that a conversation or you trying out material on me? # It actually was a conversation # But the fact that I've now mentioned it on TV Means it has become material LAUGHTER # Ha-ha-ha Ha-aa.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING The scores at the moment, Jon and Katherine have, let me just tot it up Er No points.
Sean and David have 12.
APPLAUSE And here's your teaser.
The words are LUBE NUTS.
The clue is - Don't make it obvious.
That's LUBE NUTS - Don't make it obvious.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were LUBE NUTS.
The clue was - don't make it obvious.
It was, of course, UNSUBTLE.
So Sean and David are in the lead.
OK, time to spice things up a little bit.
You've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and Katherine.
So, Katherine, your turn to choose the letters.
OK.
Ermcan we have a vowel please, Rachel.
Thank you, Katherine.
A.
Another, please.
- E.
- And another, please.
- O.
- And another, please.
- A.
- And consonants for the rest.
N W D another W.
- KATHERINE SIGHS - And the last one, N.
LAUGHTER OK.
And the time starts now.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Just trying to look more feminine.
- What have you got? - A five.
- You've got a five.
- Katherine, what have you got? - ErI've got five as well.
- What's your five, Katherine? - OWNED.
- OWNED.
- Likeyou got owned.
That kind of thing.
- You got - owned.
- Yeah, that's how I use it.
Sean? - ENDOW.
Oh, very good.
Very nice.
- OK, so five points for both teams.
- APPLAUSE - David, could they have done any better? - Well, I got NANDO, which is a sort of a Portuguese brutally murdered chicken.
LAUGHTER OK, at the end of that Jon and Katherine have five, - but Sean and David have 17.
- APPLAUSE CHEERING LAUGHTER Right, now time for Jon and David to go head-to-head.
- David, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Right, two from the top and any other appropriate number of numbers, please.
RACHEL LAUGHS - Thank you, David.
Two from the top and four little ones.
- Yeah.
And this time the little ones are 4, 8, 1 and 5.
And the big ones are 50 and 100.
And the target RACHEL LAUGHS LAUGHTER - Spin again.
Spin again.
- They never let me do that! - SEAN: It looks easy.
- 236.
- Oh! - OK, and your time starts - I'm doing the first one.
- .
.
now.
LAUGHTER - Jon, did you get it? - No.
- LAUGHTER - David, did you get it? - No.
- LAUGHTER - Jon, what did you get? - Well237.
- OK, that's pretty close.
David, what did you get? - 239.
- Way off! - LAUGHTER Unacceptable.
Jon, how did you get 237? - Well, I don't think I've got that either.
- LAUGHTER 50 - 1 x 5 50 - 1 = 49 49 x 5 = 245 And then take off the 8.
245 - 8 = 237 - And that's it.
- And that is it.
- Seven points to Jon! APPLAUSE I got it, but it was a tricky one.
- Do you want to show them how? - Have you got it? - Yeah.
- Do you want to show everyone? - It's such a bloody hassle, why don't you just do it.
- I'll just read your mind.
- LAUGHTER - If you say 8 + 1 = 9 9 + 50 = 59 59 x 4 = 236 APPLAUSE OK, time to go across once again to Dictionary Corner.
David, what do you have for us? Imean, this is my job doing this.
In particular, playing, you know, this.
And there's times when I have a real low about the choices I've made in my life that have led to this situation for a 38-year-old man.
I had one I got a train recently to Norwich and ended up in the quiet carriage cos I was late for the train.
And I think the original idea of the quiet carriage was to create, like, a Japanese garden of serenity on the train where people could go and ponder the big questions.
- Hmm.
- But that is not what they've created, what they've created is a place where all of the most easily agitated members of society go and wait for shit to kick off.
LAUGHTER The worst part of it I find is that I join the bullies in evaluating the next person as they enter the quiet carriage as to whether they're appropriate to sit in it.
And when this guy sits in, like, I'm double hating him because I've got the only spare seat in the carriage beside me, but he's got like a big, big bag! - He probably has noisy legs as well.
- LAUGHTER He walks down, he's like, "Do you mind if I sit there?" I'm like, "It's the quiet carriage, you're supposed to mime your requests.
" So I go, like, "Yes, you may.
" Now, I tour with two bags.
I tour with tiny keybs in a sports bag and that's up on top and then I have a laptop.
So he goes to wedge his bag underneath and there's no room, so he has to stuff his big bag in the rack.
And in stuffing it up there, he disturbs a button on the PortaSound that I barely knew I had and suddenly the quiet carriage is filled with this sound Turkish March by Mozart A fury breaks out in the quiet carriage the like of which has not been seen in Britain since medieval times.
Like, "What?!" And I think, "I'll just leave it, people will get used to it after a while.
" It's Mozart.
And then they've sort of worked out who it probably belongs to and I have to stand up.
And the sports bag's got Velcro, - so I have to - MAKES RASPING SOUND For some reason, I feel the need to display it to the other members of the quiet carriage.
"It's for my job!" "Oh, God! What am I doing?!" And they are like, "What is he doing with his life?! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, the scores at the moment.
Jon and Katherine have 12, Sean and David have 17.
Here is your teaser.
The words are TRIED ASS.
And the clue is - it didn't go very well.
That's TRIED ASS - it didn't go very well.
- See you after the break.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser The words were TRIED ASS.
The clue was - it didn't go very well.
It was, of course, DISASTER.
Before we go on, he doesn't work here any more but he's turned up anyway - it's Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE AUDIENCE: Aw! Joe, what have you been up to? It's been a weird week.
LAUGHTER Basically, cos you fired me, you turd .
.
I did a bit of time-travelling.
What's time travel like? It's all right.
The only downside is it shrinks your horse.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Yeah, this was a seven-foot shire horse before I went travelling.
If I'd known, I wouldn't have done it.
Actually, can we can we get rid of it? It's pissing me off.
Cheers, Mum.
This is my mum.
Thanks, sweetheart.
I'll see you for tea, yeah? Bye, darling.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
Judging by the way you look, Joe, I'm presuming you went back in time, right? No, no, I went I went forward in time.
This is what they wear in the future now.
It's funny how fashions come back round, isn't it? And I brought a few things back from the future to show you, if you want.
You can come on now.
LAUGHTER You brought back a robot from the future, did you? No, no, no, this is just my half-brother, Fabio.
He's just on his way to a fancy dress party.
Total coincidence.
There's no robots in the future, you fucking idiot.
I did bring a few other things back.
Like I thought you might be interested in this.
In the future, all mobile phones are edible.
This is just a crumpet with an aerial stuck in it.
But you can still text and that.
That's quite nice.
Also, is anyone here fed up with losing their cowboy hat? Yeah.
Not a problem in the future.
In the future, all cowboy hats find their own way home.
Look.
Yeah, it's a prototype.
They're quite shit.
Go on.
Fuck off.
But also, the weirdest thing in the future is plastic surgery has got well out of hand.
- Do you want to see what you look like in the future? - Yeah, sure.
This is you, Jimmy.
I think you wear too much make-up.
Just one massive eye, like a Cyclops.
Yeah, you're a freak.
Jon, you've just had your head replaced I genuinely can't see the difference.
He's had his ears pinned back.
- Oh.
- And, Rachel, this is what you've had done.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Anyway, the weirdest thing about that, I only went a month in the future.
Anyway, let's play Countdown! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
Jon and Katherine, your turn to choose the letters.
One last thing I brought back from the future.
I brought back a few letters from the future.
They're exactly the same.
The only difference is, in the future, for some reason, all letters come with a sound now.
Let's try a consonant, then, and see what that sounds like.
That would be an CLOWN HOOTER SOUND That's what an R sounds like.
- A vowel.
- RACHEL: OK.
MOO! Consonant, please.
RICOCHET SOUND And another consonant, please.
CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES And a vowel, please.
GLASS SMASHING And a consonant, please.
SUBMARINE DIVE ALARM And a vowel, please.
HEAVY COUGH And a consonant, please.
GONG RACHEL: That gong, I get that one.
That's the only one that makes sense.
The whole place is fucked.
And a final consonant, please.
And a final 'Oh, shit! I dropped me onion!' LAUGHTER And your time starts now.
OK, Katherine, how many have you got? Seven.
Jon, what have you got? Six.
David? - Five.
- Yeah, five.
OK, what's your five, Sean? MEATY LAUGHTER OK, David.
GLORY MEATY GLORY LAUGHTER Jon, your six.
GAOLER But spelt badly.
Spelt old-fashioned.
GAOLER.
Oh.
SUSIE: Yeah.
Can spell it that way.
Brilliant.
And what was your seven? GLOATER - One who gloats.
- SUSIE: Brilliant.
I.
e, me.
KATHERINE: Yeah! So, seven points to Katherine.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, at the end of that, Jon and Katherine are in the lead with 19 points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE On to another numbers round.
OK, Sean and David, your turn to pick the numbers.
Two from the top and three, four, whatever it is, from the rest of the place.
Right, the little ones are 10, 4, 5 and 8, and the big ones I'm going to have to move Your legs are a bit wide apart.
LAUGHTER - 25 and 100.
- Can I press the button? Go for it, yeah.
Good luck, everyone.
Good luck at home.
So, your target is Your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 651.
Sean, did you get it? Er No.
I got 600 and OK, David, did you get it? No.
Jon, did you get it? Got 653, I think.
OK, Katherine, did you get it? Not closer than that, no.
OK, come on, Jon.
100 + 25 + 4 100 + 25 + 4 = 129 x 5 x 5 = 645 + 8 + 8.
653, two away.
So that's seven points to Jon and Katherine.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rachel, did you manage to get it? Yeah, it was quite tricky, though.
If you say 100 + 25, again + 8 = 133 x 5 = 665 And then take away the 10 and the 4.
APPLAUSE OK, the scores at the moment - Sean and David have 17, Jon and Katherine are in the lead with 26.
APPLAUSE And here's your final teaser.
The words are NOSE SCUM and the clue is - eating it up.
That's NOSE SCUM - eating it up.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were NOSE SCUM, the clue was - eating it up.
It was of course, CONSUMES.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean and David, your turn to choose.
Oh, um A vowel, please.
JOE: I'm going to quickly install a toilet.
LAUGHTER All right, I'll get on with this.
- I can't be arsed.
- A.
A consonant, please.
M.
A vowel.
I.
A consonant.
X.
Ooh.
That doesn't count.
Another consonant.
T.
And another consonant - just to show the X.
M.
And a vowel.
E.
And a vowel.
A.
SEAN: Jesus.
And a consonant.
And the last one S.
And your time starts now.
What you got? John, what've you got? Sean? 1, 2, 3, 45 OK.
David? I've got a 6.
Ooh, exciting.
OK, Sean, what's your 5? STEAM.
Katherine, your 5? I, too, have got Sean's STEAM.
OK.
David, your 6? It's, er, SIX.
S-I-X.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I mean, you can't say it's not a 6.
Jon, your 7.
David will know that in Ireland a mum is called a mammie.
And in Ireland I am the MAMIEST comic.
The mammies get the horn.
The MAMIEST.
That's true.
Don't want to be the daddiest comic.
You want to be the MAMIEST.
Is MAMIEST a word? It is, I've seen it on Jon's posters in Ireland.
DAVID: That doesn't say mammiest - to me, that says maimiest.
As in the comic that's most likely to maim someone.
What about MAMIEST, is that in there? Um, you'd need three Ms.
Mammies are in, not mammiest - but you'd need three Ms.
- Three Ms.
- Yeah.
So, 5 points to both teams.
APPLAUSE David, Susie, could they have done any better? There's the well-known abbreviation for a sandwich - is that right? Yeah, it sounds so made up, this.
That we all know and love, is a SAMMIE, of course.
You know, "Oh, lunch - gotta get me a SAMMIE.
"Cheese SAMMIE.
" What accent were you shooting for there, David? - New Zealand, New Zealand.
- New Zealand.
LAUGHTER OK, so Sean and David have 22 and Jon and Katherine have 31, So, fingers on buzzers - it's time for today's crucial Countdown conundrum.
Look! Look at it! Oh, if only you'd been more OBSERVANT.
Oh Let's have a look and see.
ALL: Ah! Is that a word? LAUGHTER OK, so the final scores are Sean and David have 22 but tonight's winners are Jon and Katherine with 31 points! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations to Jon and Katherine, they've won their dream prize.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Good night.